I ought to do this more

Get out and go see some live music and enjoy myself and enjoy the company of people like me and just enjoy life and all that stuff. I got to shake hands with Colin Bluntstone tonight and say thanks you for such a great evening. Now you know I'm really bad in crowds but these were mainly people of my age who grew up with the same music and it was all just a great evening out and enjoying it and smiling at strangers and sharing the experiences (without hallucinogenic drugs) although beer helps.

Not sure what the lady next to me was on and as usual, I attract the loonies at dos like this :-) but we had a good jig and dance around and shared some memories and laughs before she disappeared off somewhere.

What a great night - I ought to do more of this sort of thing. Just lovely to get out and go out with a few friends and enjoy yourself without having to organise it or be one of the doers - just go along and relax.

I keep saying it - I don't do enough of this - about time I ate my own dog food and listened to my own advice.

PR or Fund - Raising Advice Sought

Not for me but for Jeanne over in the US. See the blog here.

Whilst I've been involved in PR and Fund-Raising this is in a club type environment where I have a captive audience and so I'm not exactly qualified but perhaps if you are you can assist in thinking of constructive ways to raise money. If you are in the US - even better as you'll know your local rules and what works well in the US.

Thanks for reading - hope you can help.

Well how strange is that

On the 4th February last year my mate called and we went out to see Colin Bluntstone as you can see in this blog. Last Thursday the same chap said would I like to go and see Colin Bluntstone as he was playing at the same place. I doubt that he would remember that it was ust over a year ago on a Thursday we saw him last time. Spookily enough I saw him on a whim when I worked down at Swindon.

Small world - I hope he is as good as he was last time we saw him - it was a good evening.

Tired again

Well another long day and a lot more work done and the slog of it make me very tired. It is just hard grind it out head work and so a full 8 hours worth of it makes you tired.

I'm off to bed early for once and hope that it will sort me out for tomorrow. I'm out tomorrow evening to a concert which will be nice. Colin Blunstone once again is playing locally so off to see the show better than last week and the week before with funerals - well I hope so :-)

Feeling good apart from this damn ticklish cough and the tiredness of course.

Worked myself to a standstill today

By 4:30 in the afternoon I was absolutely drained so sat down and watched a couple of DVDs and also had to dash off to friends to rescue their photos from their PC hard drive! Makes what I'm doing with the business more and more important I'm sure.

Niggling cough is driving me mad. Hope it will go away soon but for now little coughs all the time which is just plain annoying.

We are really bashing out the work at the moment and getting closer to our goal of getting investor ready. It takes time though and it takes a concerted effort hence I was so tired as I did 8 hours solid writing today and I really felt drained by then.

Feeling good though and concentrating on work is fine - the days seem to fly by and I'm sure one day I'll find that all the hard stuff is done and we can sit back and review it and say it was a good job done.

Goodness me

where did the weekend go to? I'm not posting as much as I used to but that should be a good sign as it means it isn't as important any more and I find myself so engrossed in what we are building that days are beginning to slip by and I'm not thinking Bladder Cancer as much as I used to. My preoccupation with it is waning and at last I am beginning to think that the light at the end of the tunnel isn't the light from an oncoming train but more likely the sunshine pouring in from the journey I've been on.

I'm hoping that things can just get better now and that whatever dark place I've been to can stay behind me and that the rest of my life can be brighter, more optimistic and more rewarding again. It's been a pretty hellish 4 1/2 years and it isn't quite over yet but things are moving in the right direction and that's a start.

I've now also come to terms with the reality of the "team" not actually quite being a team and leaving just a few of us to battle to the conclusion of our company setup and there's an inevitability about it. I wrote some time ago that I realised that we were on our own and then I dropped a note out to a few friends and got back an interesting message, it was this:

"You've been 'playing fair' to everyone. giving them the benefit of the doubt, giving them room to edge out of doing things, helping them through their family and work traumas and generally doing everything that you'd expect them to do to you". I guess because I'm like that, it is true, I have tried my hardest to accommodate everyone but, the rub is that they have been getting on with their own lives in that time, doing what they wanted to do and being fair to themselves and not to me. This really is how it is.

I'm off at a tangent for a moment so forgive me. I asked how I should celebrate my 5 years clear this July and got responses back but the ones that suddenly made sense were to thank my close friends (those who had been there for me) and then to go and do something for me. Finally, do something for yourself - to me, that said it all because, of course, I've hardly done anything for myself in all that time.

So back to the earlier piece. I've been fair to everyone, I've used up my patience and I've been let down so how to react. Well, not in a vengeful or spiteful way - not at all. I'm just going to drop the communication now, expect nothing - which is what I normally get - and carry on regardless. Together with my business partner, we've made all the sacrifices and together, we will take our ideas forward. The team will have no further major input as they've not earnt it and they've not done anything for it either. They actually know this but haven't got the balls to own up to it.

That's why things are different today, I've got rid of that monkey on my shoulder and can move on business wise now and I know that I've freed my head up knowing that they aren't treating me with the same levels of respect that I've been treating them with. After all, they have jobs and other things to attend to and are getting on with their own lives - time - frankly - that I did the same and got on with mine.

It hurts me because of the way I am but I just need to remind myself of those words "But are these people being fair to you?" The answer is always no so there should be no guilt. I'm working on it :-)

The Hollow Man

That's how I feel today. Yesterday was a lot better than I thought it would be and the funeral was a Humanist one which was interesting, lots of words and his favourite music. Lots of fond memories and it was a bit sad and a bit funny too. They had dug out some of his old movies and he made comedy sketches which meant that we were laughing and enjoying seeing him again.

It was such a shame that he died in the way he did but sometimes better to go and none of us ever have to see the person we treasured getting old, frail, ill etc? Here was how we remembered him. a tear of sadness in one eye and a tear of joy in the other. Lovely memories of growing up and him being there.

So - hollow man? I'm exhausted from these two funerals and the draining effect they've had on me.

On Wednesday I heard an interesting explanation about why post cancer survivors have this "energy" problem - it's probably written down somewhere or who knows it could be a joint theory of ours :-) What we discussed was that whilst we are being treated, especially immunotherapy or Radio or Chemo we are in a heightened state - somewhat like the level of combat troops and that's why Post Cancer Fatigue is likened to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. You have the fright or flight response and your adrenaline is pumping along with other essential responses. Imagine if you will holding the fear and fright inside you and it is probably true that you don't let too many (if any) people know just what terrors are running around in your head. Playing with the will it work or won't it? Will I live? Will I die horribly? What am I going to tell the kids? And all of that going on is bound to eat away at you. That keeps you in a heightened state, that uses your reserves. When you need them - you haven't got as much (if any) as you had before and it takes time to rebuild and restock. So when you are already running on empty you run out of steam very quickly.

It may sound like a load of old tosh of course :-) However I tend to think it is near the truth because of the drained feeling I get after these sorts of stressful things. In addition, going to funerals brings back sharp memories of what lies in wait for us all eventually but in my case and I'm sure other cancer survivors - it brings things sharply back into focus about just how lucky I was and what living means.

Out to Canterbury

To see a very nice man who shares the cancer experience with myself and my business partner. They both had Prostate Cancer so in the same sort of area and many of the tales were the same. Interesting that he is a good few years ahead of us but had a horrible time with the ups and downs of it all. I can agree on that but I didn't get the sort of downs he did. Dark and horrible as mine were his were far worse, far , far worse.

Anyway, it was lovely to get to see him and have a coffee and long chat. He is mentor to A for her photography and it was a real privilege to see his studio. There aren't that many film photographers around these days - everything is Digital. He makes sure A can have access whenever she wants it and he is very good on advice and assistance too.

Well- better get off to bed or I'll have another rubbish night. Had the most awful night and disturbed dreams. Hope to get some better rest but now I have this silly cough which is driving me mad, I hope that goes too overnight.

My Friend's Father

My friend's fathers were lovely people. One was taken from us as I was diagnosed in July 2006 and I was unable to attend his funeral - I was probably not helping the situation being so ill at the same time! Dennis, whose obituary is here was one of those father figures who treated me like an adult and spoke to me without being condescending and has always been interested in me, my family and my progress. At 81 ( a year younger than my dad) he was taken from us far too early when he still had years of mind and body to give to us all.

It is so sad that he has been called away so early because he was still organising things and actively involved in clubs and organisations right up to the end.

I wonder if we are meant to remember people this way, at their best, doing what they do, still in many ways at their prime and generally as I remember him.

It's a bit of an omen that of all my very close friends, my dad is the last one left of them all. Eddie, Dennis and Tom all having moved on this past 5 years.

I suppose it is getting to that time in life when I should expect this sort of thing. Anyway - loads of people are expected on Thursday - I've primed them that if it is sardine packed I won't be able to stay in the chapel but I kind of hope that it is reasonably filled and not stacked so that we can have a good ceremony.

Tomorrow - I'm off to Canterbury to see A's mentor but unfortunately L is too ill to attend her interview having picked up some horrible bug. She has had to reschedule but I still think I ought to go down and meet him - having organised this from before Christmas. It's been 2 years since I last saw him and he is such a nice man and has been a great mentor to my daughter A in her quest to become a photographer. He regularly gives her free run of his studio and lab for her to work in and he will not let me pay for it. I intend to get even tomorrow and at least buy him lunch... :-)

Comments

Please note that I like comments on my blog, additions to my knowledge and useful links but anything that appears to me to be an advert will be taken down, like the last two comments were. Don't do it.

Can you help?

I've posted this before and I wondered whether you can help a patient in the US. The Story is here and here. Good things are happening with treatment but transport costs are mounting up and the available cash is low. If you can assist it will help.

Thanks

Sore Throat

I knew I'd caught something on Friday when we went out I was struggling with a sore throat and on Saturday I'd made sure I was using throat tablets to stop me coughing and wheezing. It all came out on Sunday morning and so I was sat in my chair sleeping mainly.

I'm a lot better today but have a husky voice and dry cough to contend with. Hopefully all will be better tomorrow - it hasn't stopped me working today but is just a nuisance. I haven't had a cold for some while so it is quite an inconvenience - you forget so quickly.

Other than that I'm plodding away at my research work and trying to sort out this week's work load and telephone calls together with visits out and about. It is going to be another sad week with my friend's dad's funeral on Thursday - I hope that I don't get a cold off of them like I got from the last one.

Late

It's 1:35 in the morning - I've just got back and someone managed to whack the wing mirror off of the cab on the narrow lane near here. Not good. Cabbie was mightily pissed off but he was driving after all is said an done.

A great evening and November back up to Scotland beckons. It is a shame that the club closed so early as we were just getting into the swing when the taxi arrived. Our comic sketch about Nelson and Hardy which (apparently) went down a storm last year was asked to be repeated. We were about to do that when the taxi arrived!

Interesting times in our locale. The problem? Politics, greasy pole and all that nonsense. It would be nice to have a level playing field - where everyone knows what is expected etc. If that isn't given then everyone makes it up of their own account! Unhealthy stuff.

Anyway - it was nice to hear that we were appreciated at the meeting in Scotland and have been invited back this year.

Reflecting on what's been happening in my life

All this anger comes from somewhere and I realise that as much as I like to think I'm in control of things, I'm not really. Sure I can do many things to help myself but life has a way of reminding you what could happen at any time to any one of us.

In addition, I find that the things I think of when I am at my most cynical and when my mind goes off and analyses things actually appear to be coming true. I was sceptical about whether the whole team was behind us and I find that they are getting on with their own lives and they aren't really helping me and my business partner to the extent that we figured that they would. We also find that there is a general lack of feedback and support which is a shame really.

I suppose that I'm acting all hurt and surprised and upset about something that I knew, deep down inside myself, would probably happen. That is why there is anger boiling just under the surface. I really wanted everyone to come along and share in the journey but other people's lives are lived in their way not the way the big words said they would be. Suddenly reality bites and we are there on our own. After a long journey and a lot of work there just appears to be nothing there at all. The odd comment perhaps and the sound of a snippet stolen from a book half read on the subject of business start ups but, in reality, nothing is going to happen and we are left to do this on our own.

I've said this before and I guess after a week of real heavy slog I'm beginning to feel that I'm producing work that no one even reads. Sure the investors will read them but it would have been nice to have a pat on the back and a congratulatory email at least. What did I get? Zip - nada, nowt!

Oh well, tomorrow will be a nice day - the Scots are down and we are in for a fabulous meeting and a Burns Night to remember.

Well I enjoyed that

The Mousetrap and the lovely little theatre. Seated with some Canadians (like Americans but even nicer!) :-) and some Swedish guys over for the weekend to watch a football match on Sunday (Premiership Soccer) not the Super Bowl one...

It was lovely, good old fashioned fun and a real Agatha Christie who dunnit. Great fun and a really enjoyable night out courtesy of the girls.

Just the ticket

Well it is one of those days today - we are just about to depart and go up to London for the Mousetrap - I will enjoy that - I hope. I think I'm under control at the moment! I have to say that this last week has seen me getting a little wound up over nothing but that said, I think a lot was to do with the funeral and also the doctor's yesterday was just stupid.

I tend to attract stupid people and get dragged down to their level. At least I gave up before I exploded yesterday. I managed to complete the analysis of the customer survey today. That being just the plain analysis not anything clever like cutting the data into demographics and all that fun stuff. You know that bit when you did something for a reason and someone took it out for a reason and then you realise that taking out a specific question from the survey could have given me the pivot to start to use the data intelligently and to do some serious filtering of the data. Damn I wished I'd stuck to my guns on that.

Everyone is cramming down food at the moment as we are about to go out and so I'd better wrap this up shortly. I'm out tomorrow - the lads from Scotland are down again for their yearly visit en masse and so it will be quite a day tomorrow - I doubt I'll be home until 2 am if then! It will be my second Burns night of the season and I'm looking forward to it as I don't have to drive on this one and we can just relax and have a good time and get a taxi home afterwards. Cool.

Calm Down Now

I was in a real rage this morning but have kind of calmed down a bit now. I do find some things really ball achingly annoying. Doctors are now top of my list for talking a load of old tosh. Say what it is please, in English, I have no idea what you are talking about or what you expect me to do about it. I have got past the stage of doing it because you say so if you don't explain it to me, it ain't going to get done - period.

So having got that out of my system, I can finally start calming down from yesterday's funeral. Not my thing at all. So on to other things of some amusement, I totally forgot that we are off to the Theatre tomorrow evening. Looking forward to it as it is the Mousetrap - everyone should go see it apparently and finally we get the chance to go as a family - should be nice.

Work is driving me bonkers - I want 36 hours in a day at least so I can finish what I am doing. With interrupts this week I've not been able to complete half of what I wanted to and being out Friday evening and most of Saturday will just wipe me out this weekend. Next week I guess we can get some traction again. It's tough when there are 2 of you doing about 4 people's work.

What another blood test

I cannot believe how angry my telephone call got me this morning. GPs can be so bloody obtuse sometimes. I phoned up as I got my prescription with a blood test form - well I've just recently had one. I love the bit where they talk to you as if you are a Doctor about what's needed. What does it all mean - it isn't for me to work out what these technical terms are.

So they want a repeat of part of the test because the results weren't what they expected. So were they high or low or what and what did it mean - after listening to a 30 second burst of which I understood one or two of the words at most I just got so the Doc wants you to do it again. As I didn't actually get an answer and was about to fly off the handle and I'm not sure why I got quite so angry quite so quickly I decided to query the crap form once again and ask if it was fasting to which she replied does it say so? well no it didn't but I don't want to sit around for 2 hours to only be told when I finally get to be seen that it should have been.

Anyway - they can sing for it as I'm disinclined to go as they can't tell me why, didn't even send an explanation, can't even tell me what it is on the phone or anything else. I'm certainly not inclined to do the hours of waiting and all so a Doctor can work out if a slight variance is repeated. I told them a long time ago I was pissed off with being used like a sodding pin cushion and don't have the sheer luxury of taking loads of days off so they can plot it out on Excel.

I can't believe how angry I am about this. I guess it just pisses me off these days I get pissed off with all this nonsense these days. I've gone past the bit of "because I said so" - maybe that's it - there is this complete lack of information and courtesy, no explanation - I seriously have no idea following the phone call what on earth the problem is but actually if it is bad they can call me and we can discuss it. At the moment - it can wait until I'm in a better humour or until I get some sort of explanation around the necessity of it.

I must re-examine this anger bit though - maybe I'm still raw from yesterday's funeral. Whatever it is I found myself really up for a fight with the GP's receptionist but she's only doing her job so I backed out but I see it more and more these days. It's systemic and if only everyone went to work and treated their customers the way that they would like to be treated it would be fine.

Luckily Flocky Bicep popped in bearing gifts of coffee and croissants we were rattling through some Lodge business. As a bit of fun we have now lent out names to some friend's pets! Guinea Pigs - how funny is that? :-) We had to laugh

Glad that is over

Said goodbye to my old friend and met his wife again - only met her once before in 1994! It was a very nice service but RC High Church with Requiem Mass and it was a good 1 1/2 to 2 hours I'm guessing of real tear jerking stuff. Lots of children and all sorts just kept prolonging the whole thing. I just told Mrs. F. 20 minutes maximum, pull the curtains, get out and go and have a drink... Don't hang around, it is difficult enough without all of this padding.

As it was, it wasn't as bad as I guess it could have been and I didn't go and see the burial itself - I'd had my emotions stretched extensively by then and whilst I also had a few "moments" of claustrophobia - the church was rammed full hardly any more space left - I was also able to control that as I knew how to get out and it was a big area in terms of clearance.

Bless him, Flocky Bicep has given me a call to see if I'm OK. I go back to my Uncle's funeral when the priest said that tragic and young death will mean that loved ones never see the deceased old or frail and in this case, it might even be that this will be something for the future to ease the pain but I sort of doubt it as well. It's just too tragic that at 54 this accident has robbed us of someone unique - an absolute powerhouse of a man - it was evident that he was well loved, respected and was a fantastic family man. Just tragic that the 4 children have lost him but, like us all we only share the fondest of memories and wonder at his energy levels and antics.

I;m sitting here having a brandy and just getting over the day - it takes so much out of me.

Why does it take so much out of me? Because every time I go to one of these I imagine that it may well have been me at this sort of time in my life had it not been for all the treatment I've had! We all have to go at some time of course but it brings it home to me how easily things for me could have panned out. You see it's me lying there in some of these circumstances and I'm just grateful that it isn't.

That probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me. :-)

Tomorrow - not looking forward to that

I'll get up early and get around the London orbital motorway to my friends for some breakfast and then we will head on up for our sad pilgrimage to our friend's funeral which will be a burial - I really, really dislike these I have to tell you. Crematorium I can just about live with it is all over when the curtains go around and that's it. Tomorrow starts at 12, carries on at 2:30 and then the celebration of life at 4:30 and so I can imagine that it's going to be a long day. It's set to rain and be windy and I'll just have to grit through and bear it.

Next week it will be my friends dads funeral - that is expected to be a very big affair - we may not even get into the chapel on that one so many people are expected to turn up. We will just have to see on that. I hope it isn't crowded knowing what I'm like.

Had a good day today and really got some of the business stuff sorted out, it is really begining to look accomplished now. However this Video came from a friend and I defy anyone to watch it without feeling a little queasy or feel an attack of Vertigo. It is absolutely terrifying.

So - I'd better get off to bed and get some shut eye - I'll be up early in the morning and get off for a long and sad day.