Out Tonight and Tomorrow

At a few Lodge meetings which will be nice. I am off to a nice little meeting tonight and then we have my mother Lodge meeting tomorrow which I am looking forward to except for the heat in the room! It really needs to be air conditioned in this sort of weather. At least there will only be about 15 of us so that's OK - tomorrow might be a bit different as we around the 40 mark in the same room! I shall make sure that I'm well prepared for that.

As for me - well I'm surprisingly chip-per and quite upbeat I guess. I'm not looking forward to going and getting biopsies but there you go - it can't be helped and I suppose that the main thing is that they see what it is and decide what to do about it.

I'm doing some reading and research this weekend to see what I want to do in terms of life style changes. I don't really fancy doing too much but I feel I should make a further effort to move towards and even healthier lifestyle. It's just making sure that I don't do anything stupid along the way and have the wrong effect.

Phew

Well that was a day and a half - 07:30 in the morning I kicked off work and I finished about 09:30 in the evening! Two long meetings at the house (thank goodness) and suddenly the business is becoming a living being - at last.

As usual we draw great comfort from the work we have done so far and the approving noises that are made. We need to drill down one last time to one more layer of detail to hone in on the prices and we will be there.

I certainly feel that if I had to have done this up in London and then faced an 1 to 1.5 hour journey back it wouldn't have been as successful as it was.

Anyway - I'm still remarkably cheerful even though I've spent most of the day working :-)

Reasons to be Cheerful

1 2 3.

Well that old song says it all. I'm a cheerful chap normally and now is no exception really. I know people find it quite hard to get it when I've just been given what amounts to bad news and yet there you have the difference between someone who has gone through the mill and had 5 years worth of experience and someone looking in from the outside many of whom, of course, haven't had an experience with cancer or if they have probably know someone who died because of it.

A stoic battle, a brave and courageous fight, resolute to the end and all that stuff - which I am sorry - I don't mean to belittle at all. It is just that I remember my niece saying when she was quite small that she was frightened of going into hospital because people go there to die. Indeed her grandparents and others in her mother's side of the family had and so that was her only experience.

In a way my dealings with cancer are similar, my grandfather died and I wasn't allowed to see him (his request) in the end. Many friends died some in a very short space of time through cancer and so it isn't surprising that those looking at me are feeling somewhat bemused by my good humour and stoical pragmatic approach. Unfortunately for many of them my jokes haven't got any better and so they don't quite get what it is about me being so upbeat for. Sometimes even if I tell them they give me a sideways look. I have lots of messages about "being strong" well I suppose I intend to. The post before sort of alludes to this because of the 5 years of this now. Amazingly it is 5 years this July and around about this time 5 years ago I started my dream job - one I thought would see me through to retirement easily. It was somewhat unfortunate that it didn't - I'd still loved to have been there but as curiosity and serendipity would have it I'm hoping to work with them providing their solution to the new business and one of the guys I used to work for may actually help us in a Joint Venture too so how bad is that?

I have to say the thought of an operation isn't great - I intend to see if I can get an "in and an out" on the same day if possible - I will ask for it - I do hate the experience and after the last time - where I had a terrible, terrible experience - I want to ensure that I never go through that particular experience ever again. I've told my Consultant what I thought about it and will make sure that everyone is aware this time too.

I already can feel a prickle on the back of my left hand where the cannula goes :-( That's the worst bit really - well unless they stick a catheter in which is probably on the same level of hatred. However, it's what needs to happen - I can't stop it, I can't make it go away and I have to go through with it so the die is cast and that's your lot basically. What else are you going to do?

So now - I think it's just got to be what it's got to be and lets get on with it and sort things out as soon as possible. Sure it's inconvenient and all that good stuff but at the end of the day - they'll patch me up, fix me up, dust me off and send me on my way and that will be that. I'll live to fight another day and lots of my friends didn't get that opportunity they didn't get the option. For their sakes as well as my own - I really shouldn't be down or in anyway negative about the situation I'm in. I still get to see my family and friends and that's a big, big positive.

If you don't know

You don't know - so many of my friends are really worried about me but they don't need to be. I've a fair way to go before they have to worry about me :-) If they find this little red spot is cancerous then they can treat it and I can have all sorts of things done. If those don't work then perhaps I'll have to lose the bladder. If that happens - I should still be able to live (and possibly beat my mates at drinking games too!). I'm in a happy place because I don't need to turn up at my doctors in 10 years time to find a huge lump that's metathesized into my body and will end up being really difficult to treat and may hasten my inevitable demise.

I spend quite a bit of time telling everyone that's things are going to be OK - because they will. It's the nature of the beast....

I've said it before that if you actually got to choose your cancer then Bladder Cancer isn't so bad because they keep their eye on you for the rest of your life - if they see anything they sort it out. That can't be bad at all can it?

Maybe my 5 years worth of this stuff is now paying off and I'm like those people I complained about 5 years ago who treated this like it was an everyday occurrence! I couldn't believe the matter of fact attitude then - now I "get it"

It's probably a good thing to be a little frightened about cancer - that's only natural. Those who've never had it find it difficult to understand why I'd be quite so upbeat about having to get this red spot biopsied.

Light of Day

I'm in a good place this morning. Things look fine, life's back to normal (well what we describe as normal in this house) and I'm happy that I've had a good night's sleep and that I can now rationalise where I am.

I'm now thinking about what response I need to make in relation to this news. By that I mean that my medical team are going to do an operation, take biopsies and come up with a plan what they want to do. Likewise, I need to come up with a plan about what I need to do. The trouble with Bladder Cancer is that it can recur and it can be treated but can I do anything, in myself, to stop it? I've changed my lifestyle - but have I changed it enough? Those are the questions I need to ask myself now.

My GP of a few years ago, sadly now no longer at the practice - I got on with him really well - suggested to me that I don't live like a Hermit. That lifestyle changes needed to be balanced. I had managed to flip into the most frugal diet when I should have been eating to repair myself. So I'm going to spend a little time mulling over what I am going to do to take charge of the situation myself.

It isn't as disappointing or upsetting as you may think it is - if you know this disease - you know this can happen but it isn't like when I was diagnosed when it had been growing inside me unknown about and was a major problem when the symptoms arrived. This is a small red patch that they can't identify from a scope - early doors - easy to do something about.

No, I'm OK about this. Other's are having difficulty with it - I do my best to reassure them more that I have to reassure myself.

Hiding the disappointment

I'm pretty disappointed but I'm not in a bad place at all. I'm kind of resigned to where I am but I've decided to think about why I've got a recurrence and what I should do about it.

In a way I'm a passenger but I wonder if I should get myself into a different regime once again. I will take a few days to figure things out - a good night's sleep will help and see if my head levels everything out and see what it all looks like in the morning.

Oh Dear

Mmm, well a possible recurrence - they found a small (tiny) red raised area. So I've now got to go in and get a rigid cystoscopy perhaps in a month or so. I'll just have to wait and see what it is and what they are going to do about it.

I'm a little disappointed of course but after all, this is what the check ups are meant to resolve.

So now to just relax a bit - I'm stinging a little as the doctor was poking around a little bit more than usual.

So the journey changes again and once they've worked out what it is (I think we all know what it is) then we'll know what to do about it.

Well here we are

Less than an hour away. I shaved and showered, check list is completed and my bag contains a light dressing gown, water, Ibuprofen, Paracetamol, my Kindle (e-Reader) my MP3 player is plugged into earphones and in my ears keeping me breathing nicely. I have my sandals and I'm drinking coffee after a light breakfast and also a pint of water before I go - it's important to be hydrated so I had a few pints of water last night just so I'm ahead of the game today as I need to be passing water through to minimise the effects of the scope.

It's a 20 minute walk from here - but I will allow 30 minutes and take it easy. a 9:15 appointment probably means it is the first one so if I get there a few minutes early it may make things easier for them and for me.

I have enough things to read or listen to if I am delayed. I feel a little heightened and a little stressy - not surprising I suppose. It is a lovely day outside and I need to remind myself that not everyone is as lucky as I am to be on the other side and being checked.

Not Long to go Now

Mmm,

I've been out tonight and had a couple of beers with the lads. It is the last night of Lodge of Instruction and the next one isn't until 26th September (I think). Our last Lodge meeting is Saturday and that's us done until November!

I'm pottering around at the moment, have sorted out some drink to take with me to Hospital. Will also drink a few pints of water before bed - I want to be well hydrated tomorrow so as to ensure that I can give a sample on arrival and also to make sure that I pee a lot during the day after the procedure. You need to do this to sort of get over the cystoscopy.

I'm feeling neutral at the moment, perhaps a little nervy but not as bad as I was earlier today.

I really hope for a good outcome and these days I'm not going for the negative vibes before going in. I used to do that because then I'd be ready for anything. But - who am I kidding doing that now? Sure - I will be devastated if it isn't good news but - I'll have to roll with that.

I have a lot of issues about having had cancer and that is the worry that perhaps I'll get some other form of it or this will come back and "get me". Anyway - I'll see how I get on tomorrow - I hope that I'll be fine and also hope that things will be OK again. I'm half committed to not doing any work tomorrow as a sort of reward - I'll see how I am on my return.

Not much better

I think it's OK to be on edge a bit before heading off for Judgement Day. I'm definitely distracted and my mind is wandering off a fair bit as I'm trying to work.

I've written my list of things to do ready for tomorrow. I've had another bizarre call with the GPs today. They don't know quite what the note on my prescription form was all about I need to call back tomorrow (no chance of that) or perhaps Wednesday to find out what they want! It couldn't have been mega urgent then - they thought it might be a call to come in and see the nurse or some such thing. Ho hum.

It's been another bad week - had another 2 deaths this week one an old member of the Lodge and one the wife of a deceased member. There just appears to be one after the other this month - I think it is 3 this month, 2 last month and well January was just awful!

Anyway - it looks as if I'll be fretful all the way up to the Peek and Poke tomorrow. Let's hope that works out OK and I can get my head back in gear!

Wobbly Moments

Well - it's 24 hours to Judgement Hour of Judgement Day and so it isn't surprising that some nerves will kick in. I've also to ring the GPs today and see what this strange note on my repeat prescription means. There is a note on my repeat which I got in March I suppose - that says Review Appointment to be made no later than the 22/1/2011. Even I can't make time stand on its head like that :-) Pretty impressive if they can.

We had a nice day out on Sunday at the Spa Hotel in Tunbridge Wells - a really pleasant lunchtime event and Flocky Bicep chose a really nice bottle of Red Wine which just hit the mark.

Today is one of those funny days - I can feel I am on edge and a little stressy - but not much - it's just bubbling underneath enough to notice and enough to be a little distracting.

Anyway - this time tomorrow I'll know what the results will be. I had a terrible night's sleep though - it took hours to drop off then I had the most awful dreams and feel a little exhausted this morning to add to the rest of it - I expect that it will be the same tonight.

I suppose everyone goes through this doubting, worrying phase just before. I know that it will "be what it will be" but even so, the fear and the little voice in the back of your head is of a recurrence....

Nice Day

We went over to see A's Gallery where she is an intern. She has been allowed to put her own work in the gallery and has 3 photographs. Flocky Bicep - bless him - also came along. It was opening day and it looked quite nice. Amy's photographs look really good in a gallery situation and her web site is coming along nicely. We had to laugh at her blog site as she hadn't used a spell checker which was quite funny.

Tomorrow we are off to a lunch at a rather nice Hotel - we hope it will be an improvement on last year's lunch.

So how does that work then?

I arranged by email for my appointment to be at 10:30 on the 24th May - I didn't want the 20th as I was due out the next day and was being a bit risk averse. So I got the letter yesterday for an appointment at 09:15 on the 17th May - next Tuesday! It doesn't worry me that much and at least it will be out of the way quicker this way. I dropped them a note acknowledging the change and letting them know about my sample - normally they want 2 weeks clear to sort that out!

So this time next week I'll know the results. Cool. I'm not as worried about things as I used to be but I guess that is because I don't need to be put out for an operation to take biopsies. I'm also, in a way quite glad that they pronounce their opinion there and then rather than having to wait weeks to find out what is going on like before, you tend to get told straight away what is happening and that means no waiting and worrying. I've also got to a stage now where - it will be what it will be - there's nothing I can do at the moment (other than the usual no smoking, diet and all that good stuff) I can do about it and if it is clear it will be great - if not - well - it will be disappointing but they can do something about it.

Head Freeze

Wow - I've been doing some figure work today and my head is about to stop working :-) Loads and loads of figures to do with the population in the UK distributed by postcode and then working out market opportunity by postcode and then knocking out commission tables and all sorts of other stats. That was this afternoon - in the morning I worked on centralising the statistics for the business into a "single version of the truth".

It's all happening like crazy at the moment which I suppose is good - I need to be in about three places at once but that's not such a bad thing :-)

Off for a beer with my old school chums tonight so looking forward to that.

A quieter week

Thank goodness for a quieter week this week. Sometimes you get weeks like the last one - there were only 4 working days and I felt as if I had been going for a fortnight, got that rotten cold but mercifully it all but disappeared on Saturday. I slept it off I think. Went to see A's exhibition which was OK but I get some modern art but some of the other things you see don't make any sense whatsoever. Mind you, I have a high regard for creative people - I am creative in a way but these guys get some amazing ideas - massive lateral thinking and then they execute on that.

Our designers are just great as they can take an idea and turn it into images and words that I'd not think about for ages.

My business partner is due over this morning and we can set our week up as we need to press on and make some serious progress.

I note I'm not concentrating much on the blog or much else these days but - that's just the way it has to be with so much going on. I did manage to get my cytology urine sample into the Hospital on Saturday rather than the due date tomorrow and so Judgement Day is 15 days away now.

Getting better

Thank goodness - I had a good night's sleep and then this morning felt a lot better. Did my Urine Cytology test and dropped that off to the Hospital, watched qualifying for F1 and then had a long sleep in the afternoon and that appears to have done me good apart from it's 00:45 and I really should be in bed!

I watched a few DVDs tonight - a couple of favourites, Fearless (Jet Li) and Memento. Both are really interesting films. Memento really screws with your head - just how I like my films.

I'm sneezing away still but at least the blocked nose is now gone.

I had a bit of a flash back to a chat I had with an old friend a few years back when we were reminiscing about how long we'd known each other and I'm guessing it was pretty soon after I was first diagnosed. I reckoned that all the grand ideas I had about changing the world were probably unfulfilled - I sort of felt like that back then - and she said that there was still time to make your mark and to change the world and that it was never too late. I recollect those words now because it's really interesting that someone mentioned to me that what we were doing was game changing, scene changing, something completely new. I hope that others too think that this is true and will come on the journey with us because if we do get it right, it will change the world but I'm aiming at making just one or two people's lives better first. It is better to light one candle than to curse the darkness as the saying goes..

I hate having a cold

I really do - and I'm all blocked up and heady and now need my bed but am just so uncomfortable lying down with all this congestion. I read Jeanne's blog again tonight about her decision to stop taking treatment. That's pretty brave - she isn't commenting too much about it at the moment but to me, in a way, I can see the logic of it quite plainly. Having had a series of treatments I can only say that if I were to get them again, which is likely, I'd do it because I'm still fit and pretty healthy and whilst they shook me to my core and tested my mettle, I knew that they were highly likely to do the trick and sort me out. They did, it wasn't pleasant but if you know that it's working then you can tolerate it.

I imagine when you aren't feeling the benefit or the treatment is worse than having the disease itself you will think differently about such things. I'm certain that must be the case.

I'd better toddle off to bed and see how I am in the morning, I've already split my lip with the sneezing and made my nose bleed so goodness knows what I'll be like tomorrow. The Turkish Grand Prix is on so I will be happy to see that - we are expecting a small heatwave but also with that major storms in isolated areas so the weekend looks like it could be fun.

The country has voted to keep the status quo and the old voting system - the same one as returned Bush to the US even though he had less of the overall vote. We could have changed that but somehow the willingness wasn't there. Badly marketed if you ask me - but you didn't :-)

Business seemed to get a real kick in the pants this week - I hope to be up for doing some work this weekend to record all the things I managed to do this week.

Make of it what you will

A post from Jeanne HERE starts my morning off thinking about what it takes to make this sort of decision. I have no problem with the decision made. I've heard about it and thought about it but wondered how I'd make that decision.

You can understand it if you were always having treatment and always having stuff stuck into you and forever in and out of hospital and always having some sort of trouble. After a while there has to be a point when you want to stop the world spinning as you want to get off.

As I said, it isn't a matter of debate, it's a matter of fact and a brave thing to do but also, you can see a point where you come to that decision. I imagine as you arrive there is a double edged sword, you feel suddenly at peace and at the same time it allows a level of closure, composure and order to be brought into what is left of your life.

Is it a cold?

I feel like poo - have felt bad since late last night and couldn't work out what it is - I bet someone gave me this cold on the train or tube! Bugger it, I'm sneezing away and have a sore throat and had to carry much of that through the meeting today! It was a pleasant affair but where did the rain come from? We were meant to have another sunny day and when I got to London it was tipping it down!

It is A's Exhibition - starting tomorrow and she has also just launched her web site which looks quite good so far. She is beginning to put some of her work on there as an online portfolio. She has her Exhibition work up there already. I can see that she will be busy building her brand and making it a good portfolio site. Her exhibition runs for the next three days so we plan to go along on Sunday to see it and lend our support. She tells me that she should be OK to pass to year 3 of her course as she hasn't had any bad news about this project and exhibition so that probably means that things are on course to be good for her.

L goes off tomorrow to Cambridge to see a Uni there and have a look around. Bless her, she cannot get into teaching, they have thousands of candidates for very few places but it appears that her favourites subject being maths there are courses that can combine her business and maths. Whilst she is up there she will be seeing her boyfriend too - interesting!

I can get back to doing some work tomorrow - I seem to have been out every day this week but not to have achieved a great deal!

May the Force

Be with you or as it is May the 4th, May the 4th be with you.......

OK a cheap shot but you deserve it :-)

So Awareness day - great here it is http://www.bcan.org/take-action/awareness/ and great it is a US thing. Well actually - as I told them years ago - Bladder Cancer doesn't just thwack US citizens - it's world wide! Yep, it is!

So just maybe one day we'll work out that the bigger picture is the one to look at.

I still like the Tee-Shirt "F**k Advocacy - find a cure!!!"

Anyway - every little helps I suppose.