What a Horrible Dreadful Day

I knew there would be days like this.  Poor Mrs. F. can only talk to me for a few minutes at a time before getting all choked up and me with my stupid thoughts was also very upset.  I hate seeing her so desperately upset but today we talked about me moving out, selling the house, stuff I can take with me and Christmas and then there were all these stupid commercials on TV with their happy bloody families all smiling and I just felt worse and worse.

To say it's been a bit of a tearful day is an understatement I really haven't felt this upset for a long time.  It's a mixed emotions time for me as suddenly there were regrets for things not done in the past and things I'd done wrong, opportunities not taken a love unfulfilled and many other things all bashing around in my head.  I was able to stop them but back they came one after the other and I wasn't truly able to empty my mind of them even though I know these things to be in the past and unalterable. 

I can't help thinking about how upset Mrs. F. is - she just sounds so helpless and lost and I feel so bad about that - it's silly really.  She still cannot bring herself to the realisation and I understand that.  I understand it very well indeed and I recollect myself how awful it felt when I realised the awful truth and how depressed it made me and how I still get that now myself.  

To expect to be able to shut out the past or indeed not to speculate about the future is difficult indeed.  Yet that's what I've got to do now because I don't want too many more days like today.  It really isn't nice.  It was necessary to have the discussions and the trouble was - when discussing Christmas Presents and arrangements and the future I was trying to explain that it was going to be particularly tough this year.  I don't know if my mum will buy Mrs. F. a present and all that sort of stuff.  I'd almost rather forget the whole thing anyway but it is going to be bloody difficult especially as Mrs. F. and most of her family don't know - it's a crazy situation made difficult because it isn't out in the open properly.  It means I have to be careful what I say and to whom I say it.  

I kind of hope that I have news this week about finding a place to go as I really could do with being out of here and then able to get myself straight.  It's a sort of strange place I inhabit at the moment a sort of no-man's land and of course Mrs. F. has the same too.   I want her to have some time to settle into being separated and so that we both get used to it and also so that she doesn't make any rash decisions.  It's pretty important that we think through stuff like the house and pensions and the girls and so on so that we don't do anything rash or ill advised. 

From my point of view I just need to be out of here and go set up and run the business and get on with my life.   I don't need the "atmosphere" there is here now, it's even worse than I imagined it would be - it's oppressive and caustic and we just have a struggle talking to each other without getting upset.  I suppose it wont last for ever.  

Anyway, I knew there would be days like this and I  hadn't realised how much it would haul me back to love's lost and that's the thing that hurts like hell.  There's that nagging fear that you will never find it again - love, companionship and all that.  It sounds silly but I need repair time and to take it easy and not to worry about it.  I find the whole thing exciting in the main but on a dreary grey miserable misty day like today it just felt awful.

At least there's some heavy rock music followed by the USA Grand Prix coming up so that will keep me happy for this evening.  Tomorrow I can return to my eBaying which appears to have gone quite well so far today - enough to pay for a few beers at least :-)  I think I will do a bit of a final push on it this week and then just get rid of the rest of it to the Charity Shop.

What Goes On In Your Head

I sometimes dislike my brain a lot.  A case in point being last night after I'd had a few drinks and a few too many if the truth be told I went online - despite a big not on my computer telling me to go to bed and sent a few messages.  They were pathetic and stupid and I had to apologise this morning for sending them.  They weren't abusive or anything like that at all.  They were heartfelt and I've often written stuff in this blog that are an outpouring.  The voice that rarely gets heard, the inner thoughts the real inner workings of my mind.

I know better than this - I know that these thoughts aren't there to help me at all they are little destructive forces and in this case it looked innocent and stupid but it was actually a subtle way of hurting the other party.  It doesn't read like that at all but it was me imposing my thoughts on someone else and they didn't need to know this and it put them in a situation where they thought they had injured me although I didn't say they had.  Anyway - it is cleared up but how these little demons exist and how destructive they are.  It's so annoying - I think in future I will trun the computer off entirely and just leave a note on it saying turned off for a reason :-)

So I had a very very slow day today - the Sake that Flocky and I had sure laid me out and I got up but decided to go back to bed and lay down for a good few hours :-)  I don't think I can handle the booze these days like I used to.  I even thought that I might start to change my drinking habits in the future if I do stupid things like I did last night.

A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts so the saying goes and I think that is pretty much true.  What I said was a bit of a plea from the heart about how I wanted things to turn out and how they didn't and in fact they cannot be anything other than the way they are.  I knew that, I know the score, I know it cannot be and whilst that's sad and upsetting it's the way it is and the way it has been for ages and ages.  You cannot change the way things are it's part of the problem  I've always had with my head and it doesn't work things out properly it imagines that things can be different when they clearly cannot be.  

I am working on stopping all of this nonsense and in many ways I do manage to do that these days as I can identify these thoughts and stop them in their tracks.  I'm about to build a new life and yet these doubts assail me, these past experiences which I wished had turned out better haunt me and I do get rid of them - I can remove these - like I will after I've written this post - it will take me just moments to clear my mind of them and they won't come back for a while.  When they do I will kill them off again as they have no useful part to play in my day to day life.  They are part of the "painbody" part of the Ego and they aren't real thoughts at all.  They dig up the past and they produce an illusion of the future which I know can never be.  

The complexities of what is going on and why it is going on are I think pretty much boiled down in the realisation of what is about to happen in my life.  The change away from living here and the change to my lifestyle and to my personal life and this "living alone" thing is or may be playing on my mind.  I've not even moved out yet and there's the little voice about meeting someone else and all that old guff - it's not relevant it's a fear that should not be there.  That's the problem I find - none of these things should be troubling me.  

This all sounds bad but it is under control because I just dismiss these thoughts. OK I didn't manage to suppress one of them and so wrote a load of old rubbish to a very dear friend and they did, like all good friends do, smile and know that I'm not really like that, that it was the beer/Sake talking and that was that, I'm forgiven but I do feel a stupid old fool about it :-)  I shall just have to control my head a lot more and also not drink Sake in large quantities.  

Lovely Day - Sun Shining - Quiet Coffee - All's Good With The World Today

Yep - all is good today.  The sun is shining and whilst it isn't warm it was nice enough to sit outside the cafe and have a nice cup of coffee whilst looking at my logo choices in the sunlight and getting a good feel for them outside of the office environment.

Later on I'm meeting Flocky, my old business partner and another old friend we are going for a few beers and a Chinese meal - it is a nice restaurant frequented by Gary Rhodes so that says something.  Looking forward to that and to have a cathartic chat  with my friends.  

Communication here is difficult to say the least.  We do talk just in short sentences.  Poor Mrs. F. still looks absolutely distraught and is so upset that sometimes she just can only say a few words and has to go out.  Oh dear, how sorry I feel for her.  She's still my best friend just that the  glue no longer works and for some time we will just have to live like this until she gets over it.  At the moment me being in the house cannot be a great thing for her at all.  

So far as I can see it no one is taking sides or anything like that - it's not that sort of break up but I can see that it is difficult for Carole's friends to be anything other than supportive and so I will just have to cross that bridge when I come to it and hope that they will be alright about it when I next see them which won't be until Christmas Eve.  In fact I've just wrapped the Secret Santa present for one of them - we each have to buy for one person based on a sort of raffle.  At least that is better than in past years when it was beginning to get totally out of hand.  

My mind strayed again last night as you may have seen in my previous posts.  I was off and away reflecting on the past but after I wrote that I was thinking about the future and of course, I just had to rein myself back from that because I don't want to paint a picture for myself that's impossible to attain.  It is difficult not to look forward to what I perceive to be happier times coming down the track and yet you know, I'm happy right now.  In fact I'm probably happier than I've been for years and years.  I'm fitter, healthier and my mind is in a great place despite what has happened.

A lot of people think I should be in a bad way, stressed out or upset but it takes them aback when they see I'm quite OK about this.  They don't "get it" - it's like being released from prison or being given a second chance.  Suddenly all the pressure goes off you just like a huge (and I mean huge) weight is lifted off your body and it's like having a clean bit of paper or the slate wiped clean.  You can see that you can now go and do what you want, when you want, how you want and so on.  In many ways this is a great opportunity to put into practice all you've learnt in your previous 56 years I tell myself.  I've hopefully got another 20 to 25 years in me and I've already had two of those sorts of periods so lets see what I can make of the next third of my life.  Whatever lies ahead it was better than the life I was leading up until about June this year.

I can understand fully why people would fall apart when leaving their husband or wife but when I listed out why (I didn't really want to tell Mrs. F.) she agreed with it all and knew what I was talking about and that's the problem for her - she can't change - I did all the changing until I was unable to do anymore without injury to my mind and my body.  You can't exist in a 'loveless' marriage - I think I'd call it that now.  You only need to see what it is like for someone to care a little about you and suddenly you wonder "what on earth has gone on here?" If you read this blog a lot you'll recollect that I spoke often about collateral damage and "the rut you are in" that being the most difficult rut to get out of.  Well I'm almost out of that rut and away in the distance there is just open countryside and no ruts and no rails, no roads, no signposts just a rising sun, a blue sky with a few fluffy clouds and a bright future.  

That's Alarming

One of my daughter's friends gone into Hospital tonight with Testicular Cancer - he is 23 years old!  Twenty Three for goodness sake.  At least he has been whipped straight in and they can sort it out for him immediately.  

I remember at her age coming to terms with my friend's death - he just dropped dead whilst playing Squash.  He had a congenital heart defect and that was that.  His wife and two children were left in a mess as he didn't have a Will and so on.  The two girls, now long grown up look just like him and things worked out fine for her too, I still see them all occasionally.  It's a tough one coming to terms with your mortality at such a young age.  Not that he is going to die just that it comes as a shock and this ought to be a big wake up call to them I suppose.

I can't believe the amount of cr@p on TV these days.  I watched a tiny bit of the news and the BBC drives me to distraction with their efforts to, what does Flocky call it? Catastrophizing.  It is just bonkers everything has to be the 'something of the century' 'something gate' and as we are 13 years into it (or 12 if you like) it is shoddy reporting and left wing nonsense.  So I grab the headlines and try and hit the weather forecast and then I trawled through the 100 or so channels and it was full of squawking people talking about something or other and crazy shows about guns, police chases, reality shows and just utter bollocks (sorry but that's what it is).

So the TV went off after 20 minutes and I came back up to my office and got into the zone on the business and I'm cracking on with the logo and also the service offerings which I am quite happy about now.  A few more tweaks and I can then go and write the "copy" for the web site and the catalogue.  

I drifted back into remembering the lovely summer we had as it absolutely freezing here tonight and bitter weather is on the way.  Recalling the warmth, the smells and sounds of the countryside and the peace I was in (and the turmoil at some times).  During all that embargoed time I was struggling to keep it all under my hat and there was more than I dare put into print going on too.  Such was the summer I had but it was just so nice to recollect that warm and peaceful time.  Then there was the turmoil of leading up to wanting the separation, that was just awful and so upsetting for both of us.  Yuk.  

Those warm summer days were marvellous and my whole life was changing it was as if I had gone into a chrysalis state and then burst out of that.  I had been working on it for ages and the it all fell into place and it all made (some kind of) sense.  I can't even begin to tell you what a huge relief it was to get out of my old life.  What it is though isn't one thing it is a series of things that made the difference.  There's my Spiritual Guide who appeared and left, there's the realisation that no matter what I was doing I needed to completely change.  There was the need to stop being me (the planner and schemer) and stop analysing and overanalysing everything.  There was the need to get rid of the past and to stop dreaming about an unachievable future and if all that wasn't enough there was the need to finally tackle the problems in my marriage which had just built up and up over the years and I hadn't tackled them.  These "problems" just built a weight on my body that you can hardly imagine - once I tackled them and to this day I feel light and the burden has gone almost entirely.  

The wreckage is also mostly behind me too.  The "damage" is done if that's the right way to look at this?  I don't see it that way I see it as a re-birth, a new clean piece of paper, a chance to live the last 3rd of my life according to my rules and to enjoy the life that waits in store for me no matter how long that may be.  It is exciting and challenging and is unplanned and unmapped so far.  It may appear selfish to chuck in a marriage of 32 years and go and do what I want to do.  I suppose it could be looked at that way?  I tend to think that 25 years was just about enough and I should have gone then.  So far, no one I've spoken to is the least bit surprised and some wondered why it took this long!  My mother was pretty much open about it and didn't think there was much left and had known it for years.  My friends last night was also a similar story.  They know me - they probably got the message one way or the other through my body language I guess.

Anyhow - time for bed - got a nice day coming up tomorrow - some beers followed by a Chinese meal.  Will be in good company with Flocky Bicep and a couple of others.  Looking forward to getting out and about.  The atmosphere in the house is one of quiet tension.  I still feel sorry for Mrs. F. but she has levelled off in a permanent black gloom - it will be nice to move out and not to have that problem as a constant.  I try my best but of course I'm the happy one.  

Yes Indeed

This was on Facebook today and I thought - yes - exactly that's it, that describes how I feel about things at the moment.  It matters not that the opened door also got closed because there is another one somewhere and I just haven't identified it yet :-)

The turnabout in my life has been pretty major in the past 4 or 5 months and this is just one of those changes in thought process that I think is part of it.  For me, I have the time - or will have soon - where I can take stock, build my new business and just get things moving again.  It's like getting your life back again and I'm a pretty lucky guy in that I already got it back once when I survived cancer.  So now I've got the opportunity of doing something with my life and I don't think it needs to be earth shattering stuff nor does it need to be anything like making a huge impact in the world.  I reckon if I continue to be the much nicer guy I am now and living my life the way I want to then perhaps that will be enough for me.

I'm pretty contented with my lot these days.  I'd liked to have my life go in a slightly different direction without doubt there was a direction that would have been just wonderful but it didn't happen and whilst it took me a long while to understand what was going on, I couldn't change what that was or how it turned out as it wasn't in my power, influence or any other control - it was just the way it was going to be.  But even so, I'm happy and whilst you can look back and say "what if" that isn't actually going to get you anywhere.  I prefer to look back and break into a big smile say "what a ride!".  Hunter S Thompson wasn't it? Said "Buy the ticket, take the ride!"  Too bloody right Hunter - spot on.  

Sometimes you don't realise that you come out a better person from some of these experiences.  It's all Karma I suppose and you steer a course through life and things happen to you seemingly randomly I always thought and yet things have happened to me this year that almost can't be explained any other way.  I look back on these past 5 months and marvel at the whole transformation of the wreck that I was to who I am now.  

My whole outlook these days is one of quiet optimism.  I know there are going to be some challenges ahead but that's OK.  I have an easy life here even now and that will change a bit but nothing is insurmountable, nothing is impossible (apart from unsubscribing from Readers Digest of course!).  Whilst I have some trepidation about just keeping up with the chores of the house I know that I can do it but I just need to work it out, that's all. 

I remember thinking to myself earlier about the differences between me this time last year and me now.  It's totally the opposite - diametrically different and it shows - or it does to me.  I'm not sure if it is that visible on the outside - I think I always was a bit crazy on the outside.  People who don't know me think that I am quiet and introverted and my friends wish I was.  Actually I am an introvert but these days I actually think that I may be getting over that because I've nothing to fear from talking to people and interacting with them.  I have nothing to "worry" about anymore.  All the stuff I piled onto myself a year ago isn't there.  None of the health freakiness.  I'm 3 and 1/2 stone lighter, I breathe without labouring (stress) I don't have the worry, the panic attacks, the same level of claustrophobia I used to have.  I feel good about myself, I am free of all the self doubts and hang ups I had and I no longer have the fears of the past and the future to worry me either.

It was one hell of a ride though to get here.  Things just need to keep moving in the same direction and this bursting out of the grey place I was in is great.   I often now just get pleasure from walking to the shops and back.  How great is that?  Simple things can be very pleasurable.  Mundane tasks done well can have a level of accomplishment in them.   A few coffees and a chat are moments to enjoy and treasure.  It's just an attitude thing and there's no need to get upset or bothered.  I notice in the Post Office for example queuing up isn't annoying like it used to be.  Things will get done they will take the pace that they take, it isn't any use wishing that the person in front was a little faster or could find their card quickly - it doesn't matter.  It shouldn't get you upset - who gets annoyed them or you?  Who is doing the annoying?  You are - to yourself.  How crazy is that?  I look at most things like that now - it isn't any use getting all het up and annoying yourself as most of this stuff is out of your control anyway. :-) 

Even Better Result Than The Previous Post

One record made as much money (plus some) than the dealer wanted to pay for the lot this one took the record ('scuse the pun) at £255 for just the one - the dealer offered me £220 for the lot (over 1000).  Well that was a nice surprise and I got close to £30 for a single too.

I've just found another few stuck in a box I hadn't looked at for a while.

I'm in a great mood as this just vindicates what I thought and it just goes to show what you can do.

It is hard work though doing this almost full time.  I am going to have some fun getting the rest of this lot sorted, catalogued and sold.  I feel a purge coming on tomorrow morning when I can get a good run at them all.  I have a few hundred singles to sell yet plus about the same in CDs but almost got to the end of my LPs.  I will have a review and see if any go that I have if not - they can go to the charity shop and hopefully they can make some dosh out of them.

Well 5 times more and counting

I had some good results with the vinyl records and have now almost reached £1000 in sales in records alone.  That's 5 times more than this chap offered me and if only he'd looked a little harder or had listened to me when I said I thought I had some good records in there.

It's not been easy work getting rid of them but it seems to be going well enough and I have just found another 10 or more that should get the punters excited and I have one finishing tomorrow which is about as rare as Hen's teeth.  All in all - I'm bringing in some money to the household and decluttering big time :-)  I still though have to go through and so a final reconciliation and decide what can go to the Charity Shop(s) as some of these records just won't sell no matter what I do as there were so many millions of the things made.  It's the old obscure and specialist stuff that sells.

I'm banging out 14 hour days doing this which is all well and good but I really ought to get some R&R soon.  I'm out on Friday which will be great.  I was out last night too which I enjoyed.  

L went back to Uni earlier on this evening and A is getting ready for her first Driving Instructor examination which is on Friday.  Fingers crossed she does well in that.  A friend is an Instructor and he tells me the test is pretty rigorous - he also said there was a high failure rate, let's hope he is wrong on that for A's sake :-)

I feel that things are reaching an acceptable and bearable point at the moment here and I found myself feeling sad that I'd be moving away from the Village here - I've lived here (twice) and since 1988 the second time and it's a lovely place.  I'll miss the walks and the people - maybe I need to work out ways to get back here often!  I think the move out will hold a number of challenges - it will be excitement and regret all rolled into one.  I was looking at some of the stuff I may or may not take - it's difficult to talk to Mrs. F. at the moment because when I talk about moving out it's like picking the scab and making it bleed again.  She is looking out for moving boxes for me and Flocky so that's good!  I'm not certain what will suit but there is talk of her not having the big computer which would certainly do me nicely (apart from the monitor from hell - a 19" flat screen CRT that has done great work for many years!). I suppose I could get Mrs. F. a nice tablet type computer and then set up a printer for everyone here.  It looks as if I will also have the laser printer so that's a bonus I guess.  I hope there's enough room to set up what will virtually be a  small office?  

It is funny how that is really exciting and yet the sadness of not being 'local' is interesting but then again, there's nothing to stop me moving back here when things get settled out.  I saw a few places up for sale recently that would be affordable.  I keep also having to remind myself that it will be what it will be and that's it.  I can imagine it being quite strange to find no Mrs. F. around but then again I'm quite used to that really.  

I think I should pack it in for tonight, I've been at this since around 8 this morning and it is almost midnight!!! 

It Feels Different This Morning

It does feel very different to me this morning - it is real today.  Not that it wasn't yesterday but now that more of my friends know it sort of makes it feel a lot sadder today.  These are friends we've known since school days and it was of course a lot of my friends so that was OK - I guess we all "take sides" in these things.  We've been away together and had lots of laughs and scrapes and that sort of crept into my thinking because we had all been buying our houses at the same time, working on them (as the electrician in the group I was in some demand), we'd all had kids around the same time.  4 of us there last night were best man at the others wedding (I'll let you figure it out!).   So in many ways these guys are almost family to me and it was important that I finally told them all - one did know because of business and other reasons and because he too had gone through a divorce so I was able to talk to him.

So in many ways it was a milestone in my journey as now they know and I've just got to get around to telling a number of other people what is going on.  In many ways it isn't important but of course, addresses and stuff like that will change.  No use worrying about that directly and it might even work that I pick up each on its own merits.  

Christmas will be an interesting time I have no doubt.  Hopefully we can enjoy it as much as we can but it could be muted as I imagine I will be making my own way over to the house and back on the day :-) Interesting.

It certainly does feel strange this morning though.  I'm not unhappy - just thoughtful I suppose.  I feel for Mrs. F. still though and I have to remind myself that I can't fix this or her and no matter what I do I can't make her feel any better much as I would like to.  Even in my wildest dreams I can't see getting back together being anything else other than an absolute disaster because all of this, what's happening now would be hanging like the Sword of Damocles over us.  It could be used like a cosh to constantly reinforce a position and blackmail the other - no that won't work.

Oh well - I'm sure this will pass soon and I just need to get on with some more work to take my mind off of it.

The Cat IS Out Of The Bag

I told all my school chums tonight that Mrs. F. and I were no longer " a couple".  No one feigned surprise or anything other than sadness and support.  As I thought they would.

I can't tell you how relieving it is to me to that this is now out amongst my friends who I had to apologise to as I had hidden this for 3 months from them.  Actually it was OK and not a problem at all.  No one I've spoken to had ever been shocked.  Many say that we lived separate lives anyway and that's true.  

Onwards and upwards... 

Finally - Kind of - well almost - possibly - well partly...

Mrs. F. finally told her mother this morning what is going on and now we await to hear whether to tell her father who is 93 and apparently not too good with this sort of news and getting forgetful - so may forget what we tell him anyway?  Although I have to say I only spoke to him briefly on Saturday he seemed OK to me?  Oh well.

At least that is some sort of progress - it's way over three months to get here but I guess it needs to run its course.  Life is bearable but slightly on edge here - dare I say it isn't a great deal different than before except that the silence can be more pronounced and that in many ways things get done around the house a bit quicker as I am actually doing them and being helpful and useful - it's a bit of a peace offering in some ways but as I'm here I might as well make myself useful.

I'm off soon to go and see my school chums for beers and a chat - I think I will tell the rest of them tonight as it is now pretty much in the open - none of them see my Father-in-Law or are unlikely to at all if ever.  I can only imagine what they'll make of it all.

I've eBayed myself to a standstill today - I've posted off loads of things this morning and wrapped a load more this afternoon and posted a load more lots onto the site especially as they have given me more allowances - which is cool and I will probably use most of them this month now.  I'm just going to keep on going with this stuff until I hear that Flocky has a completion date and then cut over to sorting out a house and so on.  Looking forward to that but we are getting hellishly near Christmas as well so it could be very interesting indeed.

My next door neighbours just had all their stuff delivered from storage today - loads and loads of it - everywhere is bulging to overflowing bless them.   Hope that I/We don't have that sort of problem to overcome - sure we shouldn't!  

Mrs. F. is happy for me to take most of the Desks and chairs and office stuff - not sure if I ought to leave her with the big Computer or not.  If I do then perhaps get her a tablet to use and that will work out fine compared to what she has now which can be a bit temperamental.  Oh well no doubt we can work out the logistics as and when needed.

I think Flocky said he'd have about 3 weeks from notice to completion so that gives enough time to sort stuff out - find a place, sort out finance and move in and so on.  

Well That's Sad News

Jeanne Sather the author of the Assertive Cancer Patient Blog has died here is the news.  Her blog has been one of my constants through the years and I've watched her news and empathised with her and her predicament over the years and her ongoing battles.  She recently went into a Hospice and the messages slowly dried up.

I do hope that the blog remains up online as there really is a lot of interesting reflections and this lady had so much "fight" in her she was inspirational to me and I imagine to many many others.

RIP Jeanne.

Looking Forward To....

Do you know what I'm looking forward to?  Going out and meeting some people that I've never met before.  Far flung relatives over the other side of London and Facebook friends that I've not met yet - just meet up, have a beer and a chat - how good would that be?

Relatives and friends and just to get off my arse, get out and go see them and not having to worry about leaving people at home or whatever excuses I used to have.  Get in the car and go and see someone at the weekend.  Perhaps grab a train over there I don't know but just to get out of the house and do something and start to live like I used to years ago.  

There's concerts and events going on all over the place, there's some great rock bands and festivals, there's just a day out in the country - anything at all really.  I'll soon have the opportunity to get out and about and start to meet people and interact and "get my life back".

I was wondering whether that old saying is true that you get married and you get changed into something the other partner wants you to be molded into and then they complain that you weren't the person they married?  It feels like that to me.  It feels like all m "freedoms" were reined in one by one and talking with Flocky earlier today it was pretty obvious that I now realise that I was spending inordinate amounts of time away from the home "on business" and I'd leave early and get home late and even find excuses why I'd be doing that.  It was better to be out than at home - how terrible that I probably was doing that almost subconsciously.  Sad. 

I still feel so desperately sorry for Mrs.F.  she looks so very very sad to me and I know there are two sides to all these things and let's say we are equally to blame she looks so lonely and sad but I don't think I can do anything to help her - in fact I'm sat here at 00:42 keeping out of the way and still perpetuating the keep our distance existence.

Tomorrow is already here - I have to get up to hand over some books to one of my buyers and then maybe up to the Post Office - grab a coffee and see what the day holds for me.   

What's The Problem? I Have To Keep Reminding Myself :-)

It's funny - I still get crazy moments like this morning when it was infinitely more desirable to go for a coffee with Flocky than to post all this stuff I had.  I sort of chose to get the packaging done and posted and then Flocky said he was at my local coffee shop for breakfast and then it struck me - what's the point in breaking my neck to get stuff posted right this very moment for?  There's no reason or rhyme behind it at all.  The bottom line is that everything would still get posted today AND I would be able to have breakfast and coffee too.  So there it is - at the end of the day - I achieved both things and it was in some way good that I waited until around 1 as I had so many parcels that it took a good 20 minutes to sort them all out and there wasn't anyone in the post office so that was cool.

I still need to get my head around these priorities - the old me was out at play there earlier - got to get this or that done and make sure it went out ASAP and yet no one will notice if it went out on the 1st or 2nd collection anyway.... :-)  Priorities :-)

I'm getting there but of course it isn't easy for someone who has to do things RIGHT NOW.  Perhaps a bit of OCD in me I guess.  Or CDO which is like OCD but all the letters are in alphabetical order - JUST AS THEY SHOULD BE!! :-) LOL

I just have to keep reminding myself that life's for the living and just try and enjoy it and stop putting invisible self made pressures on myself.  Here's a great song by Passenger one of my favourite bands at the moment - fabulous lyrics to these songs.  

Second set of logos arrived

More excitement as my second lot of logos arrived for me to look over.  I've got my favourites but have sent out to my jury of reviewers to see what they make of it.  It is interesting to see and hear what their reactions are to it all.

I saw Flocky this morning for coffee and a spot of breakfast which was good as there is nothing in the house.  I shall have to get used to shopping for myself again soon :-) but I don't eat a lot of different things and so can stock up on basics and make sure that there's enough in :-)  Looking forward in some ways to doing stuff like that and in some ways not - just hope that I can remember how to use a washing machine - it's been a while....  Mind you there's Youtube for that - how clever is that - don't know how to do something someone somewhere has stuck it on YouTube :-)

I've got a huge bag full of stuff to be posted so I'd better cut along, get myself some lunch and then hit the Post Office and send off all the stuff I sold at the weekend.  It's frightening but I've actually made more money in the past month than Mrs. F. does working full time!  At least I'm contributing to the household again!

Mrs. F. Back From Her Sojourn

Well Mrs. F. arrived home this evening and didn't really say much - she had enjoyed being away and in some ways I learnt a little of what it is going to be like being more on my own in the future.  It's been a crazy eBay day with lots of lots finishing and some of the highest grossing records coming through one alone over £150 which is great and that will be shipped off to Japan once I've got payment for that.

It's an interesting exercise seeing what you think is valuable and what things actually go for.  Somethings like that record I didn't expect to get more than £20 for.  So it was a nice surprise and it all adds to the coffers and keeps Mrs. F. a little bit happier I hope.  

Last night was difficult all round as I had to tell some people that I was now separating from Mrs. F without my nephew and my father-in-law hearing - what a mess this is.  I hope Mrs. F. resolves that soon.  In fact my Mother and Father-in-law popped around and left me some stuff for Mrs. F. and of course it's all sweetness and light but - well I suppose I ought to be prepared for some sort of backlash somewhere along the line but Mrs. F's sister has been divorced and has a string of relationships so I hope that it doesn't come as a massive blow but I suppose we have been together for a very long time.

Let's just hope that not too many people get hurt with all of this going on?  I had plenty of time to work on the business today in between wrapping up stuff to be posted tomorrow - I'll be so glad to move so that I can actually bring all my concentration to bear on the business.  I've decided to add a few more lines of business as well since I spoke to a number of people who want their VHS tapes converted to DVD.  I've done this myself so know how to do it, it takes a bit of time but can be done and so I think that I will add that into the mix too.

It's very strange I have to say - looking forward to getting out of here and change my life and I'm sort of looking forward to it.  The reason is straightforward, since I've made up my mind to leave, all the problems I had are gone, I can just get on with life and move things onwards.  That's all aspects of my life and a sort of clean break, a concentration on running my own business on my own terms is also part of the deal.  If I can get this right I can really start to move my life forward and I also want to have the business support my lifestyle so that it fits around me not vice versa - so it needs to be moderately successful :-) 

Anyway that's a little way off in the New Year and once I've moved out.  

Oh Dear - Reflection

Some years ago I was lucky enough to find this web site authored by Jeanne and I have just popped by and found the disturbing news that Jeanne is about to transition over to wherever we go after we finish our time here on earth.  

This Blog posting will tell you more about the situation than I could ever do.  Jeanne's blog is a tour de force on cancer and I'm so sad in many ways to now realise that - her contribution to our immediate needs is ended and that she may now go and continue her work elsewhere. 

Like many who have gone before me they have strengthened my ideas, my ideals and my actions.  No bad thing.....

A Plan - NO wait....

Funny - last night my mate said he'd drop me back home - he had to leave early - another friend also left early someone said - hey I can get my wife to drop you off  - if it isn't too much trouble I said and it wasnt as they disappeared anyway! 

So we got a taxi home.  Doh!  Not that it was a problem at all.  It is though one of those thing that was just an annoyance say a year ago and these days is - well - just funny :-)

I just let it all happen knowing that I'd get home somehow even if I had to walk!  

That, my friends, is how it is these days.  It doesn't matter at all.  

Cancer seems a long way away to me

Although I know I must have a scope coming pretty soon, it does seem to have been a long time ago that it was right there at the front of my mind and yet of course it wasn't that long ago I was in Hospital for an operation that once again proved that all was clear.  

How quickly the memory fades but also since I've emptied my mind of all that baggage it doesn't dwell in my mind anymore which is great and I don't miss it I can tell you.  I think the human mind is pretty good at suppressing bad stuff and also it dims the pain and the anguish and all the other bad stuff that happened around that time.  

I am so glad that I finally sorted my head and my body and my life out you know?  It's not as if Bladder Cancer was a catalyst for this - or was it?  I think it was a contributory factor and just added more weight to the arguments.  I've mentioned that I was already well on the way to divorce when I got ill and all that happened was that it delayed things and the problem was on surviving that the rebuilding I was trying to do was forever pushing the rock up the hill.  

Sometimes it feels like I'm in the Matrix the stuff that goes on these days and how I wish I'd been in the mental state I'm in now ten years or more back maybe, just maybe, I could have controlled all this better.  

I used to think about Bladder Cancer all the time and now I'm actually not thinking about it apart from coming here to the blog and if anyone asks me how I am.  It's all good as I tell anyone enquiring about me.  

So a long way off way off, way over there in the past and let's hope it stays that way.   Did it make me a stronger person?  No it didn't it changed me without doubt but I don't think I'm stronger than I was but perhaps even more so recently, life has changed significantly and that's great.  I'm really looking forward to getting moving on a new business and a new place to live and a new life and just being free to go and be me and not the person I've been until recently.

I like that everything these days can be looked upon as interesting, enjoyable even - so chores that I didn't really like can become something that you can get on with and just enjoy doing them.  Bizarre huh?  Sure is but that's the thing, live for the moment, enjoy it, experience it.  Today I had to go to the Post Office and it started raining - no worries wait - stops raining go.  Walking back a murmuration of Starlings convulsing in the sky above me, a lady parking her car and a smile her way, a lady walking her dog and a man both able to say hello and good afternoon to.  I felt great when I got back indoors.  Nothing happened (or did it).  I just enjoyed the wander up to the Post Office and back and the job got done no worries no panic no stress.  I got my prescription at the chemist and whilst the lady is a bit of a pain it wasn't a problem - I see the Doc wants to see me to once more take my blood pressure.  At least it isn't a blood test although I'd normally have one for Christmas.  It will be interesting to see what my BP is like these days now I'm that much lighter and fitter.  

So it all seems a long way off in a land far far away now thank goodness.  The trick today and going forward is to keep well, eat properly and try and stay as healthy as possible.  The one thing I certainly don't want is to go back to those dark places and I'm doing everything I can not to believe me. :-) 

Have A Nice Time

Probably not the best most well thought out phrase I could use as Mrs. F. headed out the door to spend the weekend with her friend down in Hastings.

Oh well - I do hope she does have a good time or at least not a bad time and comes back with some ideas and ready to move forward as it is getting pretty difficult here now.  I imagine the best thing I can do is get the hell out of here and then she can sort it out from there.  I really do hope that it is sooner rather than later just to not have to keep creeping around and being quiet and all that - it is very difficult indeed.  I guess she just can't bear to talk to me at the moment.

Oh well what did I expect?  

So have the weekend to myself in many ways and I'm off out this afternoon to see an old friend - and wouldn't you guess it the weather has just turned nasty!  Out tomorrow with Flocky and another friend - out most of the day by the looks of it.  At least it will be a break away from here and I know that I can get back to not quite an empty house.

Pressing on with the Logo design and have sent back my ideas to my Graphic Artists for him to have a look through.  

Other than that - I need to and look into converting Video to DVD - I've done my own but this is to do it commercially as so many people I've spoken to want this service.  So I can perhaps spend Sunday researching what I need to achieve it.  When I did it, it was highly manual but I am sure you can do a straightforward VHS to DVD as I had a machine do that.  It is putting in Chapters that gives you the problem.

Anyway, let's see what transpires from Mrs. F's trip to the coast.  I sure hope it does her good.  

Awkward Times Still

In some ways not a lot has changed here - I could be mean and make fun of it but let's not go there.  The strange thing is that Mrs. F. can barely say anything to me at all and I have real difficulty talking to her - not me talking to her but she's still so upset with me that it's almost as if it is painful to talk to me.  That's a shame and whilst I feel bad for that it only upsets me in as much as I hate to see her so upset.

It worries me that she hasn't told her mother and father and I am at a Lodge meeting with him and my Nephew - who also doesn't know - this weekend.  Well let's hope it doesn't slip out. I think it isn't a great strategy and I've told her so but that's what she wants to do.  I wonder how she will explain things if I'm not at home anymore and have moved out?  It seems bizarre behaviour to me.

I'm pretty exhausted after another long day doing my eBay stuff and then trying to sort out my company logo.  I need to get something back tomorrow to my artist so he can work on that again and then get to grips with the next stages of making sure the strap line and the service lines all work properly (in terms of wording).  I've written so much down and drafted so much that now I need to get in with a red pen and bring it all together somehow.    Easier said than done of course.

It appears that a lot of people I've spoken to are also interested in transferring video from VHS tape to DVD and so I'm now going to seriously look at doing that as well as a service line.  I'm getting quite excited about it now as the business plan is coming together the prices for all the liveried things is also coming together and also the thought processes are gradually ironing out the difficult bits and the stuff that hadn't been well thought through initially.  I can't wait to get started apart from the initial cost of setting it all up coupled with the cost of the house/flat all coming at once.  It will bite a big hole in my capital but from what I've heard lots of people want the service so I just need to concentrate on getting the mates and family stuff started and then move on to bigger and better things from there.  I have the opportunity to cascade this out with my annual newsletter to all my family history researchers but fear time may swamp me this year and I can always do a catch up later in the New Year.

I really like it when my mind starts to clear the fog of the business plan and I can see clearly what I need to do.  Now I just need to write it all down and document it in electronic form.

Mrs. F. is going away for the weekend and I didn't get an answer whether she wants a lift to the station, what time she is going etc.  So I didn't push it.  I hope she gets some sort of wisdom and assistance from her friend down on the coast and I hope she uses her time wisely.   I also hope that the advice she is getting will also mean that we can move on a bit here and that they won't lead her off into a direction that makes the process, distressing as it is already, any worse than it is.