The New Me

Is a strange beast.  I have just bought a pair of shoes that are way over the top for me - twice!  I know what can I say...  I have a pair of booted Oxford Brogue shoes in brown and a pair of Suede light brown shoes with bright blue soles!  What am I like?  

It's the new me - expressive, artistic - like I used to be - ME - that's the whole point.  Out go my old clothes tomorrow and with it part of my old life.  L is going to meet up with me for a shopping spree and I'll get myself some nice Tee Shirts, Shirts and Trousers and have a new wardrobe.  It's all about expressing who I am and what I am about.  It's the release and the hidden me.  I've not expressed myself for years and years.  I've not been the real me and whilst I do realise that I am doing things a little excessively at the moment - it's all about extremes - I know that I am heading in a direction that will ultimately lead to a new and more fulfilling life.

Hell I'm enjoying myself at the moment, it feels sinful because I was never really allowed to let go and enjoy things ever.

The one thing I don't do that I probably ought to is arrange events.  It is always my friends who call up me and they arrange.  Maybe I ought to sort something out in the near future?

I am so looking forward to going out on Friday and meeting P and S again.   It's just brilliant to go out and just have a good time.  Surely what it is all about?  Answers on a Postcard...

Confidence

If you knew me when I was at work you'd know that I was fully self assured and self confident - top of my game I always felt and whilst I may have come across as arrogant the thing was that's the way my personality type (INTJ) naturally is.  That is when I was at work.  I'm a very different person and very rarely will I say the first word or start a conversation.  I might smile at people and acknowledge them but it isn't usual.  

I tend to rely on the other party to start things off.  Of course the proviso is "unless I know you" or I know someone you know then it is quite legitimate to go chat to someone as I did on Saturday night and I'm really quite pleased I did because enough people have told me that I'm pretty engaging sort of chap and I have a good listening skills as well these days - I no longer need to be the one doing the talking.  It worked great on Saturday night and I'm feeling good because one of the biggest worries was to make some friends locally and to build a new circle of friends.  So far that seems to be going quite well and I am feeling great because it isn't as difficult as I thought it was going to be and people are friendly and you only have to ask.

I was having a lovely but rather loud shouting chat with this young lady P on Saturday and hopefully I'm seeing her on Friday as well so that will be nice - perhaps we can have a chat at a slightly lower level even though it will be at another gig.  

But again, I'm getting out, building a new life, it's exciting and enjoyable.  Surely that's the thing - get out there and enjoy my life a bit more.

I'll Take That Any Day

I do find that a relaxing Sunday is a nice thing to do.  Today I couldn't get the lawn sorted or the debris cleaned away from the storms of 6 weeks ago.  The ground is still soggy and so it will just have to wait until things are better.

I've had a lazy old day today and getting myself ready for the onslaught this week - I must get on and do some serious work on the web site and also the price lists.  It is all in my head and now needs to be committed to paper so it can be developed.  

I sure hope that I can start to secure some work but really want the web site up and running as well.  I also have a final set of tweaks on the discount structure to put together.  In some ways I'm not too keen on discounting too much as I have a pretty keen price now but know I have to do something.  It's proving a little more difficult to work it out so it is consistent.

Anyway - a quiet day and one where I just relaxed and enjoyed myself.  I'm really looking forward to Friday night and going out and meeting P again and having a chat with her without - I hope - too much noise.  

Things Happen To Me

Friday night my mate calls and we go to Town - in this case Town is Sevenoaks - it's rather nice and we bump into an old friend of ours S.  She is a promoter of bands and works at the local theatre too.  It's interesting what happens now.  I asked her whether she knew if anything was going on in the village on Saturday night as I was at a loose end.  Indeed she does and whilst she ran me home - she lives around the corner from me - she suggests that she calls me and we go over and see one of her bands playing.

I was just getting ready when the doorbell went and off we went to the pub and her band were just setting up.  We were right at the front so my ears are buzzing somewhat this morning.  But blow me, I met this girl last week at the other gig and lo and behold, it turns out she is S's best friend!  Doh.  So we had an interesting evening chatting about this and that and we are meeting up this Friday for another gig.  It appears she likes live music too so let's see what happens.

It must be me, or the new me these days but life is really great and I am enjoying the whole thing and last night at this gig was no exception.  I had a lovely time with S & P and a few beers and a good laugh and a chat in between songs.

I like it here.  Things happen to me and it all happens for a reason.....

Seize The Day

Well that wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be.  It was rather Cathartic as it happens to go through and throw out my past....  Some ties in my collection are 25 years old and one is 30 years old.  It's time they went - they are unlikely to get worn again.  I've kept my formal ties and bits.  I have some more of my formal wear still at the old house which I need to go and get.  I have bow ties and the like there and my patent shoes.

So I've been utterly ruthless with things - I've thrown out my trousers, shirts, sweatshirts and tee shirts.  Anything that looked old, anything that hasn't been worn in 6 months isn't likely too so that was binned as well.

So here's the pile I chucked out - it's about a 2/3rds of my wardrobe I guess

My Clothes tidy is looking very tidy and also rather bare - enough clothes for 10 to 14 days at the most now where I could have lived for 6 weeks before I reckon.

The suitcases now on top of the wardrobe and all my formal wear to the right and my nice shirts to the left.  A box of odds and sods and that's it about done.

All bagged up ready to go to the local Clothes recycling bank.... 

Yes I do need to buy some clothes but do yo know what?  I don't need that many as I can wander around in jeans and tee shirts most of the time and I really need some nice casual clothes to go out with.  Hopefully my friend is going to take me out to do some shopping - she's got a good eye and so hopefully I can get myself a small wardrobe of new things.  I certainly realise that I don't need a lot.  All my old office stuff has all gone which was the bulk of it and I certainly won't be needing that again in a hurry.  

First Day Of Spring

So that's Spring Cleaning and for me, chucking out all my old clothes that I am never, realistically, going to wear.  I've been told by a friend to be ruthless.  I have a couple of suitcases full of clothes that I haven't used since I've been here.  I have lots of formal wear stuff that I am unlikely to use.  

There's a storage rail downstairs that I might be able to use to put my Evening Suits and the like and I've a chest of drawers available to me as well for some storage.  Interesting.  So let the games commence.  I will then probably just wander over to the clothes bank and drop these in - some may be useful to someone.  Any good stuff can go to the charity shop.  I have lots of work shirts and ties even that I am unlikely ever to need again.  They too can hit the rubbish.

It is going to be painful but it has to be done for a couple of reasons.  One is to reduce the clutter, two is to throw away the past. Three is to throw away stuff I just no longer wear or would want to wear and four is so that I can make room to buy some new clothes to mark my independence.  I've already bought some great shoes and jeans and later today my new casual shoes will arrive, I have new trainers too.  It's all coming together.

What next?

I  got my first clear nibbles of work today when I substituted for my friend at his Business Breakfast Meeting.  It's not bad a room of 40 and two good nibbles isn't bad - I tend to consider that 2% is a good return and this was more like 5%.  So far so good the arguments are compelling and I got my 60 seconds out in 55 seconds :-)

One is a box full of photographs that have been inherited.  Another was for some video tape transfers.  

Let's see how that goes - I should have passed my business cards around for the room - next time I will do so.

As these things go it went as well as it could - I don't like these pre-scripted, regimented affairs - they work very well for the participants but in reality they don't float my boat at all - I tend to know most of what they "teach" each other.  Most of it is after all just common business sense.

I've twisted my back probably doing the scanning in cramped conditions!  I need to make sure that I properly swivel my chair not my body when I do this work.  It's been fun today after I got back, I had the car washed, did some shopping forgetting that we had some coming today by delivery van!  Doh!  I've ordered bulk meat supplies to arrive next week from the guy that does my Christmas meats.  Looking forward to that as there are some Wagyu and Ostrich along with the basics.

I need to get my backside into gear though tomorrow - I think I will slightly change my schedule and I'll go clean my room then do some Lodge work rather than the business.  I can then get rid of those chores and be clear to do the business stuff.  It's time to launch it and stop messing about.  I just need to make sure that the plans I've got are updated and I can then start to build some interest.

Cancer And It's Impact On My Life

I thought about this the other day and realised that I knew that if I survived that I'd end up here, where I am now.  By that I mean split up from my wife and looking at life a little differently.  

There was an article I think I put it up here in January about divorce and what lay beneath the problems and how this journalist suddenly realised that she was undermining her husband and it struck me that in many ways this happened with me.

Low key could best be described my Cancer diagnosis, operations and treatments.  Don't get me wrong my wife helped me through all of this and took me there and back and lived with my dark depression and my black sense of humour.  But it isn't her well not her of later years.  I was commenting with a friend of mine who felt that I was henpecked.  Far from the truth but I got more entrenched with each loss of my position in the house.

Things gradually migrated from me to her.  Mowing the lawn and just about every chore even my job of cooking Sunday Lunch gradually got taken away from me.  I just retreated into a silent world of computers and reading or listening to music.  As I grew further away so I gave up more and more until I finally came to the decision I needed to come to.  

Although I felt no one took Cancer seriously I was in for a surprise last year when everyone was upset as they thought it had come back.  I saw that it impacted on my children far more than anyone let on.  Maybe they feel I've just kicked them in teeth but for my own sanity leaving was probably the only real option.  I like the idea of getting myself back to the person I was before Cancer and to the fun loving, carefree person I was.  I like the fact that I'm building my business and I'm enjoying my freedom most of the time.  Thirty Two years is a long time to live with someone so the wrench is taking a bit of getting used to.   It's over 7 weeks now and I really am getting into the swing of it now.  

Tomorrow will be interesting as I will be "selling" the business at a Business Breakfast meeting and really I should be in bed by now.  I've actually been chatting online to a friend and I'm quite excited by the chat we've had.  She has just finished reading A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle that I lent her.  It is refreshing to hear her recent changes in life and attitude.  We often meet up four of us but that's not going to be possible now as she takes on a new career challenge.  Somehow I'm trying to put together a meeting that she can meet up with us again - difficult.

Life has taken on a new meaning to me but I'm still not out of the looking over my shoulder or wondering whether I should be doing this or that :-) It is strange not having Mrs. F. around but I'm getting used to it.... :-) As You Do....

A Different Sort Of Day

I got a bit of a shock as I found that my daughter A had been to Lisbon and whilst I knew that someone was going what I hadn't expected to hear was that Mrs. F. and A went.   Now I suppose that I shouldn't be surprised about that but it did give me a partial wobble for no especial reason.  In many ways I'm pleased as I know she met up with a friend a while ago and now she has gone for a long weekend to Lisbon - a place we had promised we would go to! 

I'm pleased for her and of course it does mean that perhaps she is coming to terms with things and at least getting out and about - perhaps it means that we can start having some serious conversations about the future now?  

It's been 7 weeks yesterday and I'm enjoying it still with the odd tinge of regret of course.  I find that just every now and then I think about my big house and home life but I just replay the reasons why I'm not there and I feel OK again.  I certainly haven't enjoyed some of the "old age" flashbacks or flash forwards I suppose and this is to do with my dad and his last days more than anything else.   There's a bit of me that is wondering where it's all headed - which is funny because half the fun is not knowing where it is headed :-)

I've been able to leave my old house and village and not miss them.  That's a strange thing I thought I'd be homesick but I'm not, I like it here.  I do have roots around here but would I be prepared to go out further or somewhere altogether different?  I'll have to wait and see.

I'm up at the crack of Sparrows tomorrow to attend a business meeting that starts at 6:30 !! Luckily I'm much nearer to the location than the last time I went in November.  I've actually done an Elevator Pitch for the meeting itself so it will be interesting to see how it goes down.  

Thats Better - More Concentration And Less Thinking

It's been a good day so far.  I've really cracked on with some work although I find I can't do three things at once :-) I need to concentrate on my business plans but I'm also doing some of the learning work too and actually the two aren't compatible at all :-)  So tomorrow I will have a paperwork day and today can be my practical day.

I learnt some interesting things about scanning today.  I could have spent almost $90 on a gadget for my scanner but paid only £8 for some magnets which, assembled properly actually do the same job :-) Yay!  The power of the Internet is generally someone has done it before and are willing to share how they did it with you.  

I have some very strange shaped negatives which are giving me some grief to scan but once again I'm sure the Internet will come to my aid :-)

I found myself looking at scans of my two girls and Mrs. F. and myself from years back and I had to fight back a few tears when I saw my eldest A in her Angel costume for the Nativity Play.  I DO miss the girls now and haven't seen them for a while although to be fair I have actually seen them but they haven't come here or met me yet.  They haven't seen the house either.  Oh well, I hope that they'll come around - it feels like they don't want to see me but that's me being paranoid I reckon.

I am feeling like I am almost there now and can launch pretty soon.  I have enough scans under my belt but not enough video conversions (using my computers) as of yet.  A few more weeks and I reckon I will be able to launch things properly.  Fingers crossed.

Not So Bad A Day

I cracked on with the little job I was doing which is now complete.  So far, so good.  It's  interesting as I priced the work up and it took just under a week in duration (not effort) and would have paid a fair rate too.  So I'm pleased about that.  I need to hone my skills but of course, that's what it is all about and tomorrow I can get tucked into some more hard graft and try and improve the throughput workload.  I still need to be able to quote for the work and win it of course.  

I'm going out on Thursday to represent the chap that has given me use of his postal address for my business.  I need to do some work for that as well.  However, I don't think that will be a problem either.  

I now need to see if I can get a good run at the documentation I need to produce.  It isn't easy doing the house and work at the same time.  Tomorrow I will give it a good go though and see if I can discipline myself to work right through rather than have so many interruptions.

Just Get On With It - It Seems Selfish Somehow

I've never thought myself selfish and I would always help others above myself and somehow I've got to start to look out for myself.  I had this problem early on when I had cancer.  I spent most of the time helping other people come to terms with my illness and never really looked inwards and towards my own well being and I recall this internal fight I had at the time.  Given where I am now and my situation I suppose I ought to realise that I can't make things better for other people.  I can help them understand it but I can't do anything about it.

I was pretty cut up on Friday about my friend - but I can't do anything.  I was pretty cut up about Mrs. F. but I can't do anything about it.  

Difficult as it is I need to look after No.1 and that's it for the moment.  I can't live anyone's life for them no matter how I feel for and about them.  

I am also having some pretty awful flashbacks at the moment and some flash forwards.  I know what this is - it's about the uncertainty of where I am at the moment, getting old, being on my own and it is also about where do I see myself in a few years.  

I've walked out on my wife and also on a number of friendships that sort of leave me regretting that they didn't blossom to where I dreamt they might.  My dreams lie in tatters but that's really not the point either, I realise that dreams and plans that I used to have (that felt real) aren't to be trusted they end up disappointing me and so this living in the present (which is not easy to do) continues to require hard work to stay on track and focussed.

Today I start to change that once again as I'm almost there in terms of business planning.  I need to concentrate a little more and get things finished I also need to stop this worrying about other people.  I cannot do anything about it.  I need to pull away and disengage myself from it too.  I'm doing all the driving and I think that realistically I need them to do any driving or any actions.  It isn't for me to do.

This is all about making the break and moving on.  It is pretty difficult not to hanker back to the easy life I had.  To yearn for the friendships I had and strive for things that cannot possibly happen no matter how unpalatable that feels to me now.  I need to move on and that's it.

Shout Out For Steve

For Steve K who has his Flexible Cystoscopy tomorrow 17th March.  So far this year everyone has had positive news and so now here's hoping that continues.  

Prayers, thoughts, crossed fingers all welcome.  

No Matter How Much It Hurts

I just can't get involved and help someone out who is very special to me.  Much as I can't go throw my arms around Mrs. F. and give her a comforting hug and I'd like to do that.  I still have fond memories of my marriage to her and growing up together.  I found that all the fun had gone out of the marriage and that somehow was one of the major reasons to go - I felt sad so much of the time and I wasn't the sad one the whole place was freezer like :-)  But I see her and I feel wretched that she is so sad and my natural reaction is to go put my arms around her but I can't.

Another very very good friend of mine is having some pretty awful problems and I can't do anything about it, nothing at all because it isn't appropriate.  I've been in a strange place these past couple of days as I finally, finally realise that I just cannot be part of my friend's life, well not unless something miraculous happens I suppose.  I can't hold on to that hope either it isn't in the present, it's in the past and that's the bottom line.  I just find it hard to "get it" because of the strange way my mind works.  So I've dropped a line out this morning and will now work on disengaging myself from the day-to-day and getting suckered in - wanting to be helpful but it isn't my place to do so no matter how friendly.

The thing is though what am I feeling? "Do you think that is air you are breathing now Neo?" I have no idea what is really going on - it's all in my imagination and all the scenarios playing around in my head because I still cannot get rid of the INTJ in my head.  It is just impossible not to play them out and theorise. But, the crazy thing is that I know this and I have this little head battle going on still - my logical head knows this is a lost cause and shouldn't be given thought space.  My heart head still has deep feelings and they need to go away, it's over and that's that.  My logical brain is saying move on, it's in the past, it was fantastic, it was beautiful, it was lovely but you can't go back there no matter how painful it was (and still is) you can't go and repair it or replay it.  It wasn't anyone's fault it was the just the way it was. 

Working Routine

It's difficult to remember that I am now running a business again as I am quite relaxed about how things are.  By that I mean that I find the worries I would have had are no longer there.  I know I have to work at this but it will come naturally and will grow - I can't expect it to be like my former business where I started with an amazing contract and didn't look back for about 8 years - until that is - I got ill. 

Now, it's a different thing as I practice to make sure I am going to provide a professional job for my customers.  I have a set of videos and cassettes I am doing for a friend and that seems to be going well so far.  The direct transfer is certainly working nicely which I am so pleased about.  The videos are of pretty good quality and I can see that this is an easier way to build the business in some ways as it is almost unattended (albeit I have to be there to start and stop the process).  

I can envisage just allowing this to grow organically and that's going to be fine by me.  I like the idea that my friend suggested last night to give it around 6 months to settle in and to then average out the income as it will be very up and down as I have to generate my own sales and do the work :-)

Anyway - I am looking forward to the challenge immensely and the work is quite rewarding in it's own way.  

Testing Testing Testing

And yet more testing and making sure I can get things right.  I am doing a series of VHS-C and 8mm Videos to DVD and also some Cassettes of voice overs this chap does.  It is quite interesting as I have done a fair amount of these before.  Doing so many at once I am bundling them together to allow me to work on them all together.

I'm really enjoying this now although there are the odd hiccups with the technology and the terminology to overcome.  Hopefully I'll be able to do that :-) It also gives me a good idea about my charge out rates which I have already started to amend a little.   

At least I know what can and cannot be achieved with the kit I have now and after chatting to my Accountant on Friday I am ready to take on the world?  Well maybe this part of the country to start with :-)

The main thing is to get into some sort of routine again here.  Today has flown by and I've got lots of things done alas only the last two hours have been business based :-)  Oh well, I will have to try harder to get office hour discipline into my work.  I'm sure it will come especially when the orders start to arrive.

For now though practice makes perfect as they say and I am building up my library of documents and check lists and what works and what doesn't.  Life is beginning to get fun again. 

Beautiful Day - Blue Skies, Not A Cloud In Sight

There's a Blackbird out here singing his little heart out, the sun is blazing out of a blue sky and it is pleasantly warm AT LAST :-) 

What a nice day, I've opened the windows and let the air in and the house looks great in the sunshine.  It's Sunday and I am not doing any work at all today.  I am going down to the pub later to see the International Rugby match and grab a few beers at the same time.

I feel great today.  There was a Lodge meeting and we had the Provincial Grand Master attend (he's like the head of our order) and the meeting went brilliantly.  I am clear again which is, whether you admit it or not, a brilliant thing.  I think that no matter how positive you may be it is still a huge huge relief to get the all clear.  

Life is great at the moment and the business is the next thing to get going.  I spoke to the Accountant on Friday and I'm now in a good place to start trading.  I have a few more things to get straight - hopefully one video capture card and I can really get moving.

But today, it's about enjoying the weather and the Rugby and getting on with the locals again :-)  

ALL CLEAR ALL CLEAR

All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear. 

Well guess what my news is?  Can't well it is All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear!!! :-) 

Delighted but not leaping about with the news.  So pleased it WAS my consultant although she was handling different equipment (excuse the double entendre) - the cystoscope was on a camera and had a slight delay so she did apologise - we both noticed the difference :-) 

The Private Hospital sure does stuff differently including having some sort of cloth pants to put on - bizarre indeed.  Anyway was in and out in good time, easy to park and easy to get there and back again.  They did so much paperwork and we had wristbands and everything as if it was an operation - my Consultant was bemused by the process too :-) 

Anyway, I'm delighted that things are OK.  I'll live with the stinging and stuff and will go and lie down later today.  Maybe I'll just switch on the telly :-) 

The Night Before

Everything is in place, alarm call changed, comfy shoes sourced, I have my bag, my water is in the fridge, my tablets and stress balls are ready, the MP3 player is charged and loaded with music.  I need to choose a light tee shirt and hopefully I will be ready to go.  

A number or well wishers have wished me luck and all I need do now is turn up and I'm going to go early so that I can get there in plenty of time to park up and relax.  I can get myself in to the place about 15 minutes early to see where I have to go.  Lets hope it is a nice seamless process and as it is a small private hospital I hope that I'll be in parked, seen and out ASAP.

It's an easy enough thing to do - a urine sample, trousers and pants off and a gown placed either way around your body.  Keep your shoes and socks and tee shirt on.  On the table and the cystoscope takes a matter of minutes that's all.  

The worry is, as always, that they might find something in there but I just hope that it will be nothing at all as it has been for all this time now.  The last two of three have been false positives and I hope that my Consultant will be doing it as she is more experienced and also, to be honest, she really doesn't hurt me that much which I can't say that the last two Registrars did.

Of course, it will be what it will be.  I have been a little cranky this week - I found myself feeling claustrophobic for a short while last night and of all things in the shower this morning!  How strange but I know what this is and can do things about it and that to me is the key.  I know what this is and I can tackle it and stop it.

Heard from my mum that one of my girls had given her a call which is nice.  I don't want them to lose touch with their grandmother and vice versa.  So at least that is something.  I'm a bit worried that one of them hasn't really been in touch but let it settle down and let's see where it goes from there.

Problem Solved

It was driving me nuts as I knew my scanner was faster than it was being with me.  I found out why - a good night's sleep  was all that was needed and a fresh look at the problem.  A few experiments earlier today and voila - problem solved.  I had asked the scanner to do a little too much processing prior to displaying the results and this morning - I got back to the levels I was expecting and thank goodness for that - the business looked completely unviable using the previous settings :-) I could have been drawing my old age pension I reckon :-)

I am feeling sort of OK about tomorrow's poke and peek.  I find these things a little daunting of course, who wouldn't?  But it is at a Private Clinic so parking should be OK.  I'm going to leave early and just spend time in the car park - I have music and I can work with my Lenovo Yoga touchpad and listen to music as well.  This time tomorrow it will all be over for another x months - I have yet to see what schedule they've put me on.

I just hope that they are a little more gentle than last time as I was "pissing razor blades" for a good few hours.  I certainly hope it is my Consultant who will see me.  She is gentler than the last two who have done me.

I've also now got my new editing software for videos and Blu Ray - it looks pretty good so far.  I am hoping that I can realise the authoring of these DVDs with perhaps a little advert to commence and then a menu and that they will take less time to assemble and burn - it certainly looks like it so far.