Very Bad Tinnitus Again

 Well this is strange as I can normally get rid of Tinnitus or at least make it a lot quieter.  It seems to have come back again with vengeance today.  I've tried some white noise perhaps I'll try with headphones when my uninvited company goes home.  

As usual I'm doing some sorting out for people, searching for parts and solutions to problems.  It's a difficult thing isn't it when you get asked to do something for someone.  I'm a bit of a sucker and I am quite happy to do something like this because 1) I can 2) it interests me 3) it also annoys me a bit too.  I actually don't have to do this for my kids because they've learned (from the master LOL) how to go about things like researching, getting the best value for money and things like that.

It feels to me that these sorts of things either aren't taught or things are too easy these days, until that is, they prove to be too hard or difficult.

Anyway, it is keeping me occupied when I should be doing other things. It isn't distracting enough to send this ringing screeching noise away from my ears though.

   

Hearing Aid Trial

 These are expensive hearing aids but not the exorbitant cost of the shop bought ones.  I have had them in for about an hour now and I can say that the Tinnitus is a little less but it is still there.  They are really loud on the lowest setting but as I read they will be as you aren't used to them.  They are set for indoor and on the lowest volume and I can hear myself breathing, the PC fans whirring and the noise off of this keyboard is surprisingly loud too.

Things going on outside are also more noticeable too.  The whole experience is quite strange as either I was really deaf or these are really loud :-) I will try and wear them for a good few hours to see if I can get used to them.  The last few times, in loud places they were too much and I had to ditch them quickly as I could hear quite a bit of what the table behind me was saying but hardly anything my table was saying.  I think it is practice at the end of the day.

Onward, onward....

Tinnitus - Wow It's Bad Today

I got this years ago when I got really ill just over and after Christmas and got both ears infected.  Gosh I was so ill but I had to attend a meeting a give a talk - it was in 2009 and I was a few years into treatment and I'm guessing I probably picked the cold up at the Hospital.  I don't know, whatever it was the Doctor (you could actually go and see them back then) was horrified and prescribed me the biggest dose of Antibiotics he could.  It did the trick but ever since I've had this blasted Tinnitus.

I can normally get on and work through it but today it is so loud I can hardly concentrate on anything at all.  I'll try some exercises I found that worked in a minute to see if that fixes it.  

So that has decreased the volume which is good, the screeching high pitched noise is still there but quieter.  I think I might try my hearing aids and see if that fixes it by making me concentrate on other things.

Ho hum.  You just have to live with this and oftentimes I can just blot it out or ignore it.  

People Are Getting Sick To Death Of All These Lies Surely

 The Internet is interesting in that you can go and research what people said but a few years ago and then listen to what they say now.

I used to say that I rarely lied in business as I couldn't remember what lie I might have told and I'd get found out and I'm not very good at it.  Instead people found my direct approach threatening which is funny.  I say funny, perhaps disarming is correct.

I once went to a customer because his supplier was messing me around and could not finish on time.  I knew what to do about it and I knew that he wouldn't be happy but, go armed with a way out and don't lie.  What actually happened was interesting because once the anger had subsided mere seconds in reality that his job wasn't going to be finished and that it was his side letting it down I told him how I could sort it out and gave him a way out of his embarrassment and a way we could both "win".  Shortly afterwards, the sales managed heard about what had happened and went to the customer and rather than check with me what was going on, spun some cock and bull story about what he'd put in place, blah, blah, blah.  The customer, rightly so sent him away with a flea in his ear and explained that everything was under control and that he might like to talk to the person that was actually running the job, me.

Lies get you no where at all and when you tell the truth you don't have to remember what you said as it was the truth and not some fabrication.

Our politicians are getting caught out time and again by having said one thing and now doing the total opposite.  It's obvious they are lying, they are way way out of their depth.  They don't understand their briefs and they certainly don't understand much about politics, world stage stuff, people and communication.  Their approval rating is on the floor as they p1ss off more and more sectors of the public.  It's unbelievable that they didn't see that inflation would rise, unemployment go up, business move or close down and so on.  It was blindingly obvious to all but an ideological zealot that if you messed with these things something would happen elsewhere.  So now we have them going back on pensioner's heating allowance, WASPI women compensation (that they were going to redress) and many other things and all in the space of a few months their ratings are down, they have zero credibility and I am certain that they will soon find it difficult to go anywhere without being heckled and abused in public.  Deservedly so.

It is rotten to the core but some of us have known that for years but now, right in your face, they are lying, misrepresenting, misinforming and using some sort of propaganda style tactics more at home in the period of the Berlin Wall and the Communist East.  It is horrific and you can watch as the car crashes and the ship sinks and they rearrange the deck chairs and stare at the headlights wondering what is coming next.

The Chancellor's plans are falling apart and I am surprised she and the PM are still in office.  I think many thought they'd be out by Christmas but then there were other things that wold all be over by Christmas that didn't turn out that way I suppose.

It would be nice to find some sort of civil disobedience tactic that would impact these utter lying charlatans.  The very worst people I have ever seen, no experiences, no honour whatsoever and certainly not a clue when it comes to Governing.  At the moment, every thing they do is aimed at giving money to non participants in this country's wealth and taking that money from us and p1ssing it up the wall.  They need to be gone, the lot of them.  

The One Person Everyone Hated At School or Work

 Our present government cannot have any friends left.  Of the 67 or so million of us in the UK there can be very few who have not been  impacted by this awful bunch of amateurs.  Today they have denied the WASPI women their compensation and so you can add all those women to the 10 million existing pensioners and every working person, farmer and car owner, tax payer etc.  

Is there anyone who isn't currently p1ssed off with this bunch of totally useless w anchors? I mean who goes out and antagonises just about everyone in the country, blows huge holes in the ability of businesses to do business or employ people and expect things to ge better.  We are heading for a recession at the least I'd expect and a lot of this is to do with their own financial mismanagement from what 15 years ago was it?  They blew around £160BN and left us to pay for it.  Everything is in a state of decline, the power and energy sector, cars and manufacturing, armed services are underfunded and by whopping up the tax on employment thos industries that rely on cheap workers (care homes, hospices and others) are suffering.  Banging VAT mid term on schools ruins children's lives, taking away fuel allowance will kill (by their own figures) 4,000 vulnerable old people.

The people that need help can't get it.  They don't know how to turn on a smart phone let alone use an APP or apply online.  F**k these people who just don't give a stuff about the vulnerable it really does make my blood boil that these people have no idea beyond their metropolitan view of the world of what it is like to live in the country, grow food, try and travel with non existent transport (if you want me to use it then provide it properly) and so on.  They think we all have IT at our finger tips and this isn't the case.  

I really think they do not comprehend how hated they are and this latest set of proposals are just going to get people more angry and I certainly hope that everyone starts to make bloody difficult for them all.  I certainly intend to do my utmost to take my time about things and perhaps make it a little more difficult to do business with me.

There can't be many people left who even think that this government have the aptitude for or skills to run the country.  They are burning money away in crazy projects outside of the country and at the same time overseeing the demise of their own people.  In the words of the old song "There may be trouble ahead!" I hope so.

Pretty Sure This Is What It Is

 The more I think about it, the more I am certain that it is the let down or disappointment around this time of year that gets me down.  It will never be the same as when you were a child, the magic is different.  Then you get your children and things change and it's all about them and then your circumstances change - mine did, I left just after Christmas so 2014 so next year is 11 years.  So much has happened but here is the thing.  Everything changed that Christmas of 2013.

Everyone knew I was leaving and so things were awkward to say the least.  The parties and get togethers were tinged with difficult conversations and I recall that I went out on a number of occasions on my own.  I spent a little time on New Year's Eve down at my local pub and chatted to a couple of people there but there wasn't much to keep me there.  I'd split up with my wife and I'd just about gotten over the disappointment of not being with my angel either.  It was a miserable time and full of tension, trepidation and anxious worry.

I recall I was pretty down and not looking forward to much although I was looking for a place to share with my friend.  Looking back now and remembering it all I was clearly very down in the dumps and that was the last time I'd have the traditional parties with friends and the family I had back then.  I don't suppose I'd realised that these "friends" would have to choose sides but they did and that too is fine, it's human nature I guess to do that.  So I felt isolated.

So I was doing all my Christmas Cards bot electronic and physical yesterday, the family history newsletter and so on and I was on my own in the kitchen looking at my reflection in the window and it occurred to me that perhaps trying to recreate the Christmases of my past or live up to the hype shown on TV etc just isn't possible.  It never lives up to what you expect.  I have purchased all of the food and drink and I'm still not feeling festive or happy.  The house is a tip at the moment, not a decoration in sight and the only Christmassy things on show are the Advent Calendars.

It doesn't feel like Christmas, all I am doing is indulging in excess for a week or two and actually, I am not enjoying that either.  All this food and drink isn't making a difference as such.  I like the change but my stomach and body are reeling at the shock of carbs and sugar and alcohol. 

Yes I am pretty much convinced that it is this combination of things plus I don't really see my children as much as I should that drives this depressed winter blues I get.  My father also suffered from this as well and I have even when I had family Christmases at home so it's something deeper too.

Well, this food isn't going to eat itself and I'd better try and get into the Christmas Spirit if at all possible.  Here I go :-) 

On The Run In

 I've got just about everything sorted now, a few items to arrive in the next few days though.  I am writing my Christmas Cards and by the end of today I should have all of those done, newsletters done, family history circular and all electronic cards sent.  

That is if the App doesn't get delivered this morning!  I doubt it will.

The Christmas Cake was made yesterday to a different recipe as we haven't been able to find the "family" one anywhere! I cannot remember what we did last year and the year before but I'm certain we made it to the old recipe.  Anyway, this one uses a LOT of brandy and the place smelt like a distillery yesterday! 

In other news I've been getting into the Christmas spirit but actually I've noticed something.  I cannot drink anywhere near as much as I used to as my body is giving me warning signs to stop.  That's good, I don't want to overdo it.  I realised just how much food I have in the house now and how much of this stuff is carb loaded.  EEEeeekkk!  I hadn't realised quite how much I'd purchased and so I wonder whether to just go through it all and then crash out and back to normal or do I keep these treats for say one day a week which I used to do when I did the Tony Robbins (?) diet. That was you ate the same things every day for 6 days and on the 7th day you could eat and drink what you liked.  It was OK and I lost a lot of weight but the 6 days stuff was a real bore after 6 or 8 weeks.

In other news our government are staring down the barrel at a series of problems of their own making and I hope they are having sleepless nights as they do so.  Our economy is shrinking and the budget certainly accelerated that.  The VAT on schools looks to have not only a terribly negative impact on children in as much as their education is interrupted and they are having to move schools but also it looks as if the local councils cannot fulfil their statutory duty to provide school places to these children either.  It's another self inflicted own goal and again playing with people's lives and not understanding the consequences or worse still knowing the consequences and doing it anyway.  

Our Foreign Secretary thinks Syria is a neighbouring country to Libya.  Just because they rhyme does not mean that they are in the same locale.  I remain singularly unimpressed with the lot of them and I don't know what they are going to do next because the economy on which they are "going for growth" is grinding to a halt and soon to go into reverse wiping out just about everything they had tried to do.  As I said before, all I can do is watch in eager anticipation of the huge car crash that they are steering into.  Every correction takes them towards the target and they look gormless and have no real feel for government.  I like that they are going to free controls for planning but not the controls that are killing building at the moment, green stuff, over reach of red tape, environmental controls and so on.  Fixing part of the problem and over burdening the rest of it is like a see saw and moving the weight from one end to the other.  It isn't rocket science as I used to tell my team.  It's very simple.  Make things complex and tied up in red tape and suddenly it isn't going to happen.

I have a Dashboard I like to look at here https://grid.iamkate.com and it shows how our energy is generated and from what and where.  It's been miserable here for days and days and at best "renewable" as they call them have been around 5% or 6% of the generation,  Gas taking around 70% of the load.  In 5 years all of our energy is meant to be renewable.  They cannot see, nor will they countenance any voices saying "hold on, what do we do if the wind don't blow?" This blind cult like behaviour must surely lead us to having no lights left on in 2030.

Oh well, car crash incoming and I'm curious to see what happens and how quickly it's an utter disaster unfolding before our eyes.

It Can't Be That Difficult?

 I had to install a very expensive centrepiece feature light in our dining room.  It's ridiculously high up to the eaves and so even with my 11 Tread Ladder it was tip toe stuff.  As it was the apex of the roof I had to adapt brackets and make holes in the roof to fit it.  It took two of us around 3 hours I guess in total as there's more to it than that.

So it's started to malfunction and the manufacturer wants nothing to do with it I have to talk to the retailer who, surprise surprise, will give us our money back but not replace it!  FFS.  The most practical way to deal with this is to swap it out as the base can remain and it just needs a few screws and electrical connections swapped and that is it, done.  No, they want the whole thing returned.  It's crazy just let me swap it.  No take it back and they'll refund and then we can buy another from somewhere else!  

I'm not impressed it means that the work done to hold the base to the apex all has to come out.

Get it from eBay says one - but what guarantee do I then have?  Why is it so bloody difficult to get something practical sorted rather than the complete pain in the arse this is going to be? 

What's With The Self-Harm People?

 Setting aside those who do actually and physically self harm and I do know a few, this is actually about the present situation here and this government's continuing act of national self-harm.  Today the figures (pre-budget) showed a further contraction of the economy by 0.1% and that's the second month in a row.  The things that were set out in that budget will, I am sure lead to industries being ravaged here in the UK.

We do have a very high quality specialist manufacturing base here but let's face it, China own most of the worldwide production of good old fashion manufactured goods.  Just look where most of the things you buy come from and I think you'll be surprised (or not).  What our rulers seem to miss is that the very act of self righteousness and virtue signalling our "green" credentials is costing jobs and industries cannot compete.  It isn't just labour costs but the raw materials which we now have to import or the parts which we now have to import but now add the costs of employing people and all the add on taxes dragging at the bottom line and of course, we are no longer productive and our cost per unit is killing us.  It's all stacked up for a monstrous car crash which they alone cannot see coming.  

Whilst we bang on about China and India being more polluting than we are (CO2 is not a pollutant BTW) they have cheap power and they have huge economies of scale and are highly competitive.  They already have wind and solar but more importantly they have small reactor technology far beyond ours and can implement it in a few years not decades like we do.  Our lack of agility and our lack of vision presently result in a race to the bottom with ourselves and Germany neck and neck as to who will reach the bottom and then, not content, start to dig further.

Making ourselves poorer both culturally and financially will be our undoing no doubt about it.  I like that the public sector do not understand that they don't produce anything.  They don't get that they are the biggest consumers in the economy.  They contribute nothing of economic value and they are unable to deliver what we pay them for.

I watch the robotic government who cannot answer a straight question struggle with basic facts and statistics.  They parrot bite size phrases that mean nothing and are as much use as the proverbial chocolate teapot!  I can't actually watch them on TV now.  In the good old days you'd be able to give them a bloody hard slap and tell them to wake up and sort things the f**k out!  Absolute waste of oxygen the lot of them. 

People, Service and Community

 Humbled to do a little bit for the community last night.  I set up my PA and Projector with Christmas images and music for a charity gig performed by members of a band that sets out to let people of all abilities play together.  They meet once a month and practice and there are lots of volunteers who assist them.  They had written their own Christmas song which they performed for a small audience of parents and carers.

They obviously loved performing and they are lovely, we all smiled together and then there were Carols at the end.  I did a very little but I was so gladdened to see that people give up their time and spend it with those far less fortunate than ourselves.  The leader is a lovely chap with a great personality and he led them to write their own song.  It truly was excellent and everyone had a part to play.

Finally I felt that my faith in human nature was reestablished and watching these musicians helping their charges to make expressive and quite charming (in my eyes) music really did lift my spirits.  I felt quite surprised that they gave me a round of applause at the end for my tiny contribution to events.  I see that they got a lot out of it even though, to me, I did what I was able and it wasn't difficult for me to do what I used to do day-to-day. everyone else deserved far more recognition than I.  Although on reflection I get it.

Anyway, it is heartening that we have people like these who give up their time, at this busy period in the year, to help and inspire others.  It checked my natural cynicism shall we say. 

It's Still Weird - This Sick Feeling

An old friend wrote to say they were "under control" after Prostate Cancer treatment - all is being held at bay so to speak.  Then shocking news this morning as someone I knew died yesterday.  I knew her to say hello to and it was unexpected to say the least.  It is something that has obviously upset me albeit only the suddenness of it all.  Things trigger emotions inside of you so someone else you know going through treatment is unconsciously bringing it all back and someone that I expected to see in a month or so is no longer with us.

Most of my Christmas deliveries have now been made - a couple later today and that is it apart from the Christmas in a Box which is due 22nd.  I've got just about everything I need to get excepting a few items.  Christmas is often anticlimactic for me.  I wonder if I try and reconstruct the Christmases of my past and they never quite live up to the hype?  There's a strangeness about this year that I cannot quite put my finger on.  I imagine it's just me trying too hard when I know, deep down, it's going to be a disappointment once again.  Keep trying I suppose but something isn't right.

I feel stomach churning sick and it's more like a nervous sick, a worried sick if that makes any sense?  I've tried too hard and I need to not do so.  I'm also quite conscious that the App isn't ready and it should have been.  I really wanted to get it out there for the world to download and try but, once again, it just isn't going to be.  It's a nuisance I have to say as it is the right time of year to launch especially when everyone has their new gadgets for Christmas.

I have spent too much money and time on Christmas and so I just need to reset myself for next year and decide quite what I want.  

Watching These Idiots

 These politicians are complete amateurs.  I had to laugh as once again they can't keep the same story among the lot of them.  The Chancellor stated to the CBI that there would be no ore tax rises in the next 5 years. or as long as they are in power.  Now, a few days later, they need to review and the PM thinks there might be a need for more.  The Foreign Secretary leaves the door open for Syrian migrants whilst the Home Office shuts the door.

The utter chaos these guys sow is beyond belief.  They seem wholly unaware of the contempt we, the people, hold them in, but more so, they don't seem to see what we see and that's the crash coming down the road at us.  Already there's talk of reduced recruitment and investment, there's big job losses coming in the car industry and what people also miss is the suppliers will also lose out too.  

Their great plans are in tatters already because they have no idea how they can achieve these things and stealing our money appears to be the only way they think they can do this!  Good luck to them if they think any of this is sustainable.  It feels like we are once again going to get flattened by the ineptitude of our government.  It's not worth working as they steal t off you! 

Eyes Of A Child

 It's often said isn't it that you should view things through the eyes of a child and I reason that it is because those eyes are not yet tainted by cynicism and they see the joy in things that for us we have become immune too or take for granted, our senses dulled by the sheer ordinariness of things to our eyes.

Yesterday our 5 year old grandson came to a Christmas Lunch with us and bless them, the organisers made sure all the children had a winning raffle ticket and the big man himself made an appearance and the sheer joy and delight on the little ones faces were a sight to behold.  Winning a raffle prize was amazing as he was up and out of his chair and running up to the top without his usual caution - he is at that shy age.

Children get a "Wow factor" from things we take for granted and especially new things.  A dragonfly a butterfly, sheep in our field at the back, lights, artwork, posters, cars and fire engines, all sorts of things and it is well worth us taking the opportunity to learn from them about this view of the world I think.  Can a butterfly bring joy?  Of course it can and a fire engine or a shop display or almost anything at all if you look at it properly.  How many of us look up when we are out?  In my local town there are some architectural features of interest, if you look up.  There's a castle too but people walk by and don't stop to have a look at it.  It's amazing and in good repair for its age.  Then we have the river, the locks, the bridges and it's all there before you but we park our cars, go to the shops or whatever we are doing and then get back in the car and drive home.  

Make time to appreciate it all and view it through new eyes and marvel at it too. 

Use Your Inner Mr. Spock

 Our PM is a bit of a bot.  He speaks like a robot and his countdown to the Christmas Lights was monotonic to say the best about it.

So he's restated the goals or reset or whatever and it's just as much bollocks as before.  I was intrigued thought to hear that he is going to build (going to) 1.5 Million houses in the 4 and a half years he's (or his party) have left in Government. That is around 1,200 a day.  Houses take more than a day to build of course.  So let's consider that there is even the manpower or willingness to build them.  You have to start adding up some serious labour numbers to get your house built and even using factory based frame methods it's going to be a great and glorious undertaking.

It is going to be a bit difficult given that a number of our skilled people are heading back home to their native countries where the pay is good, the cost of living better and the taxes are a lot less.  Our leaders are going to destroy the gig economy for the greater good you understand and so being a flexible worker won't pay so why stay? 

I think you just need to run some numbers in your head here and whenever you see a house or housing estate going up how quickly does it happen, how many people does it employ and all the various trades and all the materials and so on?  It took them almost 2 years to build two houses next to us and there were just 4 or 5 full time with additional trades coming in and out when needed.  It's possibly made a lot worse with the employment tax being raised and taxation generally which I imagine would have the affect, somewhat as it did with me when the last Labour Government were here of adjusting my income to suit my tax band.  They imposed a stupid tax.  The vast majority of us changed how we operated and lo and behold, tax takings went down and a lot of my colleagues moved country too.  Hey ho.

It will be interesting to see how this bunch of clowns try and achieve something as spectacular as building all these homes when they've alienated the very people and businesses they rely on to build them. 

I'm Sure There Are Lots Of People Who Aren't Well

 I don't know what happened to us in this world?  I just saw someone melting down and spouting on about how one of our Politicians is well..... a whole list of words that l'm not allowed to write here.  

These people look and sound deranged to me.  I don't tend to say words that are not true nor do I accuse people of being things that frankly you can get had up for.  B"be kind" brigade seem to be able to get away with this vile intolerant speech and then be offended at people like me because we disagree with their hatred.

Here's the thing though, these are the very people who are making all the noise about how they don't like the way things are and hurty words and they, quite hypocritically, use worse language themselves and say worse things.  I don't understand how they square the circle being like this, do they not notice that they sound deranged and overly privileged at the same time.

Now I might say that our politicians are Muppets or that they are useless or unprofessional but I would draw the line at accusing them of the serious nature these people do.  You can't go around saying everyone is a r******** or n*** or f***** or whatever.  Firstly, it's demonstrably untrue and secondly, it points out their total lack of education and level of bigotry.

Anyway, the more I see them venting and getting angry and not forming sentences correctly, yelling and swearing, going red in the face and their body language erupting in pre-violent poses and just the rage they talk and write in the more concerned I am that these people are ill, mentally ill and they don't realise it and we leave them to do this.   

I admit to just letting these idiots rant and rave on and make a complete wally of themselves in doing so but even among people I know, there's this malevolent side to them.  They get really angry when certain people or subjects are tabled.  Now I like to think that I can debate stuff I know about and I do know about stuff but if I don't know then I'll listen and try and learn but, and here's the but, if you engage me with rational logical well delivered facts, we are going to get along just fine.  I can take that information and go process it and come to my own conclusion.  If, however, you yell at me and force this on me then I'm going to assume that you don't really understand what you are saying and have no basis for it.  

Forcing me to see your viewpoint isn't actually winning me over now, is it?  Maybe they don't do discussion and logical thinking any more in school.  We were given a subject and had to discuss it and provide multiple viewpoints.  We did euthanasia (not Youth In Asia as one of the lads misheard it), we did politics and capitalism versus communism, things like travel broadens the mind and all sorts of subjects and we had to argue our case logically with facts and figures. These days, you just have to repeat a mantra at high volume enough times for your point of view to be right (in your own mind).  Mentally ill not rational discussion.

I gaze on at all these sick people and wonder what it will be like when they wake up and realise what utter idiots they've been.  Rather them than me though.  I'd like to see a few of them sued for the words they use too.  

Wibble Wobble

 I find it strange that I am still flipping between OK and not so good all the time.  Progress is knowing that this is happening and being able to do something about it.  It's a struggle but it is something you can deal with.  I really felt tearful this morning, no particular reason, just sad and that has passed quite quickly.  I'm pretty sure it is this time of year that does it.

Your head really can be your worst enemy sometimes I think.  It has all those "little voices" in there arguing among each other and the trick is to realise that this is going on and in doing so make them go away.  It's the ego and the pain body and they are struggling to get attention and so it goes around.  It's as if they don't want you to be yourself, be happy I suppose and there's the rub, identification of what it is will help to defeat the voices but they get going when you aren't expecting them.

In other news I've been trying my hearing aids.  I think that they are great but on Sunday will be a big test as we will be at a Christmas do with lots of people so I hope that I'll be able to use them without blowing my brains out!  They amplify so well but I find it a little too loud even on the quiet volume setting.

Greetings

Well Bitcoin has done it's job and gone to $100 - interesting times ahead.  Then we have our Prime Minister desperately trying to reset things and finally realising that most of the population (other than London) doesn't believe him, can't stand him, know he's not being straight with us etc.   I do hope that the people are waking up and smelling the coffee etc,  I'ts about time that we start calling out our servants and fighting back against them.

After yesterday and my partial realisation that I'm probably missing my family more than I realised even though I get to see my #1 daughter and her children a reasonable amount and #2 not so much I don't spend a lot of time with them and I need to resolve this next year.  I haven't seen my mother this year or my brother and his family either.

Sat here backing up computers and NAS's (that's not the plural I guess but more than one NAS) gives me time to sort things out and after this Sunday when we have a Christmas Meal I think that next week I will get into the Christmas Spirit a bit more.  I need to do my cards and newsletters and I can also wrap some presents and so on.

I found myself falling back into having a few beers over the last few nights but I am working on the premise that as soon as Christmas and the New Year are over I can go back to my strict diet and continue to lose weight.  I am already 2 stone down but I really want to go down another 2 next year if I can.  I feel great in terms of my body and general fitness.  I don't have the out of breath problems I did have nor the feeling of carrying around 14 or more bags of sugar with me all the time.  It's a big difference I have to say.  

I kind of know what the problems are but I think I am not facing up to them or tackling them and that's something that, once again, I need to work on for the New Year.  Maybe that can be part of the next few weeks run up to Christmas?  I think perhaps it needs to come to a head now.  

Is It Christmas That Does This To Me?

 I do get down this time of year and it happens regularly and to varying extents.  Last year it was very dark, black and gloomy.  This year it isn't as bad but it is still there.

So I started to wonder about this and it is probably a couple of reasons I think.  When I was at work Christmas came up fast and one minute you were working and the next on holiday for a while and then back to work.  With having the children it was a lovely family time and we could all spend time together and having parties and the like.  Even before Children we had a number of parties, midnight mass, a big family meal and so on.  

It was good and whilst I probably got my seasonal SAD sadness, I was busy and had little time to dwell on it.

I realise that it is the 10th year since I left my Ex and in all that time, I've not had a Christmas with my children or my grandchildren but have with my Partner and her family.  I then thought about how I've got time to ponder and mull over this and perhaps that's why it is a problem to me.  

Whilst we have a pleasant Christmas Day and we have entertained members of her family we haven't done so for mine.  They have their Christmas and I have mine I suppose.

I probably need to do something about this but I'm not sure what at the moment.

I Don't Believe A Word You're Saying

 I've been a sceptic and a cynic for a long time.  If life has taught me one thing it is that everyone's out to get you and you cannot count on your "friends" and sometimes not your family either.  That's a shame but it's a hard learned lesson and one that bites me over and over again.

I have lost count of the number of people who owe me money.  Some of them in the tens of thousands of pounds.  Some less than that.  I see and hear people talking about such things and hold my counsel as they say they hate the very thing they themselves are.  There's not a politician alive that I trust nor any authority person these days.  Everyone appears to be tainted, in it for themselves and not on the side of justice and right.

Many people have poisoned minds filled with the untruth of the propaganda fed to them in soundbites but never tested, looked into all taken as gospel from the words of known liars and charlatans.  They spout headlines at me and wonder why I start to ask searching questions as to where they might have heard this brilliant soundbite and what does it mean and how does it manifest itself and what data do they have to back it up.

The weekend just gone I once again heard that CO2 was a pollutant and that electric cars were the way forward but there was no recognition that there is a supply chain issue coming down the line at us and a shortfall of trillions, perhaps tens of trillions to make some politician's wet dream into some sort of normal for all mankind.  Then I got the nuclear waste problem which I countered with there isn't any in Fission reactors that are soon to be here.  But an electric world seems far away when the benefit for getting there is higher bills, higher shop prices and the only way to sell this stuff to me is to force me to buy it.

The modern world is made up of badly educated dreamers with no clue how to review ROI and how to make holistic decisions based on hard facts.  It's a big problem because they do not understand how to run this like you would a Programme with all the benefits and costs nailed to various actions in the plans.  I used to talk to Businesses and also Public Sector about how to go about such things bringing them together and monitoring the impact of doing one thing against another, KPIs and all that good stuff.  Big business got it and public sector had their eyes glazing over in about 20 minutes as they didn't understand why they'd need to keep control fo everything they do in a centralised fashion. They had a bottomless pit of money - you and I to just go and steal off of if they screwed up.  Big business would have to fight off their shareholders if they screwed up.  

Yes, it's just pathetic listening to these amateurs who can't lie convincingly or tell the truth ever by the looks of it.  They never answer a a question and they do not understand the paid that is coming down the line for them especially in terms of our economy which is pretty much trashed now.  I imagine we will have an economic collapse they'll blame it on anyone but themselves and they'll continue to lie and screw up until something changes and the next lot of liars take over.

I've lost faith in just about everyone these days.  There are very few people that I'd trust left. 

Tuesday Blues

 I met with my cousins yesterday, a bit late notice as they weren't expecting to drive down this way but a quick look and I found a half way pub we could meet up at.  It was nice to catch up.

I trialled my Hearing Aids but I really found them difficult to work with as they made everything so loud (yes I know I can turn them down).  There are three settings sort of General, Outside and Inside but I could not work out which was which so I am going to try at home during the week. I have trouble hearing people in loud places, like pubs and restaurants especially these days when there is a move towards solid wall surfaces / brick and steel etc rather than soft absorbent materials so the sound bounces around and they insist on playing music everywhere.

I like music but imagine that, the chatter of other people, the machinery of a pub or restaurant and I struggle.  Actually my hearing is surprisingly good and my right ear where Ih ad 15 or so operations (or thereabouts) is, for all of that, only just below normal.  However it is inevitable that I'll require these aids but hopefully only in certain situations.

I'm feeling a little blue and down again.  My flashbacks take me to interesting periods in my life and the replays are generally OK but there's this regret and doubt coming in to play and I need to stop this "What if" and "Maybe if I" and so on.  These things happened in that order and you can't replay them.  It would be nice to think that finally something that didn't happen 50 years ago might magically happen now and all the happiness that your brain associates with that particular union might be kindled forever.  Stupid old romantic fool!  Of course not.  That's the problem and often as we used to say as youngsters "The thought is often better than the deed" and isn't that the truth.  I'll leave you to ponder on that but give one example.  I really liked this girl at school and she was in a relationship with one of the lads I knew and so everything was off limits.  I was chatting to her one day when she sort of let slip that she had broken up with him and so I suggested a date.  I'm not normally a quick worker or anything but she was a nice girl, very pretty and way out of my league.  To my surprise she said yes.  I was delighted but after a few drinks and back to her place she had the worst halitosis I've ever encountered.  It didn't really go on from there and after a few dates we sort of drifted apart and her ex came back on the scene.  The thought was indeed much better than the deed.  Nice girl though nevertheless.

So I need to stop making these rose tinted flashbacks unless I use them for a best selling novel of course, then all these experiences can be relived, garnished and served up as the truth!