The order of service is approved - apart from my brother's Eulogy which makes airline sick bags required equipment when you read it. The Celebrant (Humanist) has been around to see mum and an order of service, totally in tune with dad's wishes has been agreed on. My brother's poems are incorporated and the 4 tunes are now in place.
I have the Order of Service and have been struggling with the Eulogy that I am to give. More so that I only have 5 minutes. I reckon 8 is about right and so I am adding and removing things to try and make it suitable. I have yet to do this out loud and I have yet to practice getting past the sticky bits where I well up when I'm writing. It was great tonight to go out with my mates and have a few beers with them - we cheered dad and they disappeared off home, my friend and his son who works at the pub (born the same day as A) were there and so we had a beer or two and then the heavens opened, rain dropped out of the sky like a biblical epic - luckily they dropped me off home but the roads are like rivers outside.
I have until tomorrow evening to get my speech together and get myself ready to go up and stay with my mum. I'm going to do this and stay there until she kicks me out to come home to my daughter, A's graduation which is next Monday. It's been a hell of a July. Mum's birthday on Sunday the 1st. My Anniversary of finding out I had something seriously wrong with me on the 2nd. A -- starting her job on the 2nd, Dad being told they couldn't do anything for him on the 2nd too. The 3rd, an interview for me, returning home to find my dad had died a few minutes before. that evening blowing myself away with films. The 4th my birthday and a muted celebration, we have loads of stuff going on in July. I will remember it for many reasons but it is often the case that deaths appear close to birthdays, holidays and other milestone events.
At last we have an order of service that dad and mum would be happy with, we have my brother's self serving eulogy to be printed in the order of service and we have a middle of the road set of songs that dad would have liked but which are not really evocative of the real him. My mates were taken aback tonight at my annoyance of my brother's self serving, self centred actions. At least he came up short today when mum vetoed the whole thing, dumped the vicar and got the celebrant in. I've told her that I will fight that corner but I think that my sister in law has also listened to reason and will rein my brother in.
My mum went to see my dad today and she was able to hold his hand and say goodbye to him. He was at peace and it made her feel good and she was able to say her good byes to him. I can't tell you how sad that made me feel but it was nice to hear her so uplifted by doing that. I don't think I'd have the bottle to do that.
Now she has said goodbye everything is in process and progress for the funeral on Friday. I think that I will be OK until the very end of my Eulogy - where I have to say goodbye. I have a nice uplifting idea to do that but I have to man it out for the last two lines. I want things to be a celebration of his life but as it is my brother wants it to be the gnashing of teeth, the wailing of a thousand grieving slaves and so on. It will be what it will be and I will not give away the plot (apart from to my uncle in the US) before the funeral. It will be a surprise and a celebration but giving me 5 minutes is difficult - it should be 10 - I think I can whittle to 8 so we will see. As long as I don't blub I will do fine.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Mum on the phone in bits
My brother dropped around a copy of his order of service and so mum did a flip and thank goodness she has decided that she will have a Civil Service for dad not a religious one. Not sure what my brother, the Pope, will make of it but he's such an inconsiderate dick and perhaps now he will realise that what I've been saying to him all along is right you just can't bludgeon your way with stuff like this and try and get a service that is inappropriate and not in keeping with the deceased wishes or my mums either.
At least, she now has the person coming around at 10 this morning to discuss it with her and what my brother has also done is to force the issue, I'd already told him that dad wanted a Humanist (Civil) funeral but he set it up as a CofE one without discussing it with mum or me.
GGGGrrrrrr. Anyway, without my intervention, mum has decided to get back on track but she was mightily upset by the huge order of service and high Church content. The last time my dad went to church was to see my 18 year old daughter christened so about 17 1/2 years ago at a guess. I thought it was funny though as my brother decided to add the caveat "Yes I read the Bible" to which the retort "It's a shame you didn't understand what you read" probably did injure him :-) I take no prisoners in this self righteous behaviour.
Anyway, things are back on track and instead of getting his way, which we were happy to go along with, it has all backfired because of the heavy hand he played. I hope that mum will chat to the person later and just get what she wants.
At least, she now has the person coming around at 10 this morning to discuss it with her and what my brother has also done is to force the issue, I'd already told him that dad wanted a Humanist (Civil) funeral but he set it up as a CofE one without discussing it with mum or me.
GGGGrrrrrr. Anyway, without my intervention, mum has decided to get back on track but she was mightily upset by the huge order of service and high Church content. The last time my dad went to church was to see my 18 year old daughter christened so about 17 1/2 years ago at a guess. I thought it was funny though as my brother decided to add the caveat "Yes I read the Bible" to which the retort "It's a shame you didn't understand what you read" probably did injure him :-) I take no prisoners in this self righteous behaviour.
Anyway, things are back on track and instead of getting his way, which we were happy to go along with, it has all backfired because of the heavy hand he played. I hope that mum will chat to the person later and just get what she wants.
Monday, July 09, 2012
The phone call and an unplanned night out
Flocky Bicep and I were out this morning for some coffees and a chat - he's a great help to me and I hope that I am also of some use to him. Dealing with my brother and his sudden reincarnation as primate of the Church of England has been a lot more difficult than you can imagine as I am towing a difficult middle ground between what my mum wants and what my brother thinks should happen.
Thankfully the vicar will arrive and talk to my mum when my brother is at work and so she may actually be able to discuss the ceremony SHE wants for dad and the sort of thing that HE wanted. It is difficult when you are dealing with a religious zealot and the remainder of the family who need closure but who also know that dad, who's funeral it is after all, just wanted to go in, be stuck on the fire and flushed down the loo (those are his words not mine BTW).
This high Gothic ceremony of mourning my brother wants is just so OTT and so it was great the Flocky and another good friend invited me out for a couple of beers tonight. That ended up with a curry and a whisky chaser but it was good to get our own problems (and we each have them) off our chests. I feel like some sort of hard as nails villain in the way I speak about my dad and his wishes but actually, he doesn't want any bother or any fuss, he wants a small, close and simple ceremony that is short and that allows everyone to get on with their lives.
When I listened to myself tonight I realised that I have all the answers to why my father treated me like he did in these last 10 years and in many ways why my brother and I have separated over the past 20 years or so too. Things become clear but they don't get any easier. There are other problems that will manifest themselves after this latest hurdle is overcome (didn't mean for that to sound as bad as it looks) and I need to rise to them.
It was nice to get out and to have a beer or two with the boys. Unfortunately I have to repeat the process again tomorrow with my school chums. I hope I bear up as well as I did again tonight?
Thankfully the vicar will arrive and talk to my mum when my brother is at work and so she may actually be able to discuss the ceremony SHE wants for dad and the sort of thing that HE wanted. It is difficult when you are dealing with a religious zealot and the remainder of the family who need closure but who also know that dad, who's funeral it is after all, just wanted to go in, be stuck on the fire and flushed down the loo (those are his words not mine BTW).
This high Gothic ceremony of mourning my brother wants is just so OTT and so it was great the Flocky and another good friend invited me out for a couple of beers tonight. That ended up with a curry and a whisky chaser but it was good to get our own problems (and we each have them) off our chests. I feel like some sort of hard as nails villain in the way I speak about my dad and his wishes but actually, he doesn't want any bother or any fuss, he wants a small, close and simple ceremony that is short and that allows everyone to get on with their lives.
When I listened to myself tonight I realised that I have all the answers to why my father treated me like he did in these last 10 years and in many ways why my brother and I have separated over the past 20 years or so too. Things become clear but they don't get any easier. There are other problems that will manifest themselves after this latest hurdle is overcome (didn't mean for that to sound as bad as it looks) and I need to rise to them.
It was nice to get out and to have a beer or two with the boys. Unfortunately I have to repeat the process again tomorrow with my school chums. I hope I bear up as well as I did again tonight?
Driving me up the wall
My brother - saints preserve us. My dad wasn't religious as such - he used to be, he may well have believed in something but not that I was aware of and my mum and I were pretty much convinced that he wanted a humanist service. My brother who appears to have gotten "all religious" on us has produced an Order of Service that you could bury a Pope with. Never have I seen such utter drivel and I've gone through this with him a number of times and I've just found out he's fannying around with it again changing the wording and the music.
So I had to ask him was this the template that the Funeral Director and the Vicar gave him - then he got all defensive and said he'd got it from the Internet and he read the bible which may come as a surprise to me :-) A bit rich as I thought I was reading most of the New Testament when I read his order of service. SO he hasn't spoken to the Vicar (which he wanted) or the Funeral Director. He has pages and pages printed out and has run it down to the very second on a timetable FFS!! Give me strength. The Crematoriums have books that they refer to, the Vicar agrees the service with the family and we can choose the music and the hymns and what we would like but not tell the vicar what to say!!
I don't know what he is thinking about here at all he just needs to leave it up to the Vicar. Dad wanted a poem (one not several) and so we can request that. He's cut and pasted it and not even attributed it to the author! He doesn't even know why I suggested that he should. What I actually hope is that the Vicar just goes and talks to my mum and she can discuss a nice simple ceremony with him/her and we can choose the 3 tracks and we have some spare if needed but it's just a nonsense and completely over the top for a simple in and out ceremony, that is all that my dad would have wanted and also all that my mum wants. I might suggest that he sets up a Celebration of Life Service that he and he alone attends - no one is interested in this fake and completely out of step idea. Bloody hell, I know he has a stake in this, of course he does, but you'd have thought he would just accede to mum's and by default therefore, dad's wishes. Bloody idiot. It's like walking on egg shells with him - he's just gone way over board on all this stuff. I've told my mum to write down her express wishes and put those in with her will and then there's no doubt.
I know he doesn't like my dad's wish not to have a memorial stone, a plaque or any such device, he just wants his ashes scattered at the Crematorium and that's it. He wants no shrine to come back to, no one having to remember anniversaries or birthdays. It's over and done and everyone needs to get back on with their lives. There's the rub, he wanted to make sure I got back home to my family and my girls so did my mum. I was so concerned that I couldn't be there but they said that it was their choice to move away and once I had finished school, got a job, got married, moved house, got my family, that they didn't expect anything more than the start in life and that I was to concentrate on my family. Pretty level headed stuff - pragmatic stuff, a realistic attitude. My kid brother wouldn't get this even if you sat down and explained it to him.
I don't have many dealings with him because of this diametrically opposite view on the world and life. I don't hate him or anything like that but I don't like his life choices or anything else about his parochial existence, is attitude, his interference, his self righteousness and his imposition on to others. He is the worst type of convert who takes great joy in ramming something you don't want to do down your throat and having no ability to see any other view but his own.
I will try and compromise and work this out with him but he is trying my patience and my mum's too. Luckily he is at work all this week and so hopefully mum can meet the vicar on her own and agree things with him. As long as we get dad's poem and a few bits of music in place the rest of the crap he's put forward can go to hell in a hand cart as far as I'm concerned. Things are going to be fraught enough on Friday without the doom and despair and sickly sweet vomit inducing crap my brother is suggesting we put in.
Silly isn't it that I might fall out even further over something as serious as my father's funeral. Mind you, it wouldn't be the first time in the past 11 months he's come up with some hair brained shit. He was after all the person who suggested it was my dad who was being selfish for not having a 13 hour operation that had a 50:50 chance of prolonging his life - at the age of 81! Also the idea of bringing my dad home when it needed a team of nurses around the clock to look after him in hospital.
I do hope that after Friday he takes a break - he hasn't had a holiday in 10 years I think, and just chills out. Right let's take a deep breath and see if I can chat to him a little bit more about whether he really wants his Eulogy in the Order of Service too. It's the sort of thing that I write when I'm emotionally challenged and then delete 5 hours later after I've had time to think about it :-) It's a pathetic piece of emotion soaked drivel full of insecurities, stuff cut and pasted from the internet and should be consigned to be written on toilet paper in my humble opinion of course. I think he feels some sort of guilt and need for confession. The test is, would I say this to his face if he were here? The answer is NO I wouldn't say half of it as he'd have thought I'd gone "soft in the head". That's the mark of it. I'm writing the family tribute. That's the test I'm applying. Would it be suitable in a place of worship, would it be decent at a funeral to say it, would it convey our feelings about him (expressed whilst he was alive - not what we didn't have the guts to say to him when alive) and does it reflect what he was like because many people wouldn't have seen dad for 16 or 17 years or only at Weddings and Funerals (maybe). I doubt there will be more than 20 at the very most there and 15 are close family and of those there are only 9 of us who actually knew him in the last 10 years of his life. Everyone else wouldn't have seen him for a long time although they may have spoken to him on the phone. My friends haven't seen my dad for 20 or so years since my children were christened I guess.
You also have to remember that is also true of my brother as many haven't seen him for that length of time either....
So I had to ask him was this the template that the Funeral Director and the Vicar gave him - then he got all defensive and said he'd got it from the Internet and he read the bible which may come as a surprise to me :-) A bit rich as I thought I was reading most of the New Testament when I read his order of service. SO he hasn't spoken to the Vicar (which he wanted) or the Funeral Director. He has pages and pages printed out and has run it down to the very second on a timetable FFS!! Give me strength. The Crematoriums have books that they refer to, the Vicar agrees the service with the family and we can choose the music and the hymns and what we would like but not tell the vicar what to say!!
I don't know what he is thinking about here at all he just needs to leave it up to the Vicar. Dad wanted a poem (one not several) and so we can request that. He's cut and pasted it and not even attributed it to the author! He doesn't even know why I suggested that he should. What I actually hope is that the Vicar just goes and talks to my mum and she can discuss a nice simple ceremony with him/her and we can choose the 3 tracks and we have some spare if needed but it's just a nonsense and completely over the top for a simple in and out ceremony, that is all that my dad would have wanted and also all that my mum wants. I might suggest that he sets up a Celebration of Life Service that he and he alone attends - no one is interested in this fake and completely out of step idea. Bloody hell, I know he has a stake in this, of course he does, but you'd have thought he would just accede to mum's and by default therefore, dad's wishes. Bloody idiot. It's like walking on egg shells with him - he's just gone way over board on all this stuff. I've told my mum to write down her express wishes and put those in with her will and then there's no doubt.
I know he doesn't like my dad's wish not to have a memorial stone, a plaque or any such device, he just wants his ashes scattered at the Crematorium and that's it. He wants no shrine to come back to, no one having to remember anniversaries or birthdays. It's over and done and everyone needs to get back on with their lives. There's the rub, he wanted to make sure I got back home to my family and my girls so did my mum. I was so concerned that I couldn't be there but they said that it was their choice to move away and once I had finished school, got a job, got married, moved house, got my family, that they didn't expect anything more than the start in life and that I was to concentrate on my family. Pretty level headed stuff - pragmatic stuff, a realistic attitude. My kid brother wouldn't get this even if you sat down and explained it to him.
I don't have many dealings with him because of this diametrically opposite view on the world and life. I don't hate him or anything like that but I don't like his life choices or anything else about his parochial existence, is attitude, his interference, his self righteousness and his imposition on to others. He is the worst type of convert who takes great joy in ramming something you don't want to do down your throat and having no ability to see any other view but his own.
I will try and compromise and work this out with him but he is trying my patience and my mum's too. Luckily he is at work all this week and so hopefully mum can meet the vicar on her own and agree things with him. As long as we get dad's poem and a few bits of music in place the rest of the crap he's put forward can go to hell in a hand cart as far as I'm concerned. Things are going to be fraught enough on Friday without the doom and despair and sickly sweet vomit inducing crap my brother is suggesting we put in.
Silly isn't it that I might fall out even further over something as serious as my father's funeral. Mind you, it wouldn't be the first time in the past 11 months he's come up with some hair brained shit. He was after all the person who suggested it was my dad who was being selfish for not having a 13 hour operation that had a 50:50 chance of prolonging his life - at the age of 81! Also the idea of bringing my dad home when it needed a team of nurses around the clock to look after him in hospital.
I do hope that after Friday he takes a break - he hasn't had a holiday in 10 years I think, and just chills out. Right let's take a deep breath and see if I can chat to him a little bit more about whether he really wants his Eulogy in the Order of Service too. It's the sort of thing that I write when I'm emotionally challenged and then delete 5 hours later after I've had time to think about it :-) It's a pathetic piece of emotion soaked drivel full of insecurities, stuff cut and pasted from the internet and should be consigned to be written on toilet paper in my humble opinion of course. I think he feels some sort of guilt and need for confession. The test is, would I say this to his face if he were here? The answer is NO I wouldn't say half of it as he'd have thought I'd gone "soft in the head". That's the mark of it. I'm writing the family tribute. That's the test I'm applying. Would it be suitable in a place of worship, would it be decent at a funeral to say it, would it convey our feelings about him (expressed whilst he was alive - not what we didn't have the guts to say to him when alive) and does it reflect what he was like because many people wouldn't have seen dad for 16 or 17 years or only at Weddings and Funerals (maybe). I doubt there will be more than 20 at the very most there and 15 are close family and of those there are only 9 of us who actually knew him in the last 10 years of his life. Everyone else wouldn't have seen him for a long time although they may have spoken to him on the phone. My friends haven't seen my dad for 20 or so years since my children were christened I guess.
You also have to remember that is also true of my brother as many haven't seen him for that length of time either....
Family Tribute
I'm working on this and despite having written one of these some months ago, it isn't fit for purpose now. So I'm starting at the beginning and writing that although I don't know how much time I have I'm aiming for 5 to 10 minutes. At the moment I don't feel "upset" it that's the right word. I just hope that my lot keep it together until after I have spoken so that I don't have to fight through seeing them crying whilst I'm trying to deliver a tribute to dad.
I need to also hit the right balance between it being respectful and humorous - I can't imagine him wanting me to do anything other than to say a few nice words and then get on with it.
Maybe it's me but I don't have the views that he's watching over me and all that guff. I hope that if there is a heaven he is reunited with other loved ones there (only the ones he wants to see) and is taking it all in and more than anything else, that he is at peace. I get the distinct vibes from my mum that things haven't always been what they seemed to be and that there were other reasons dad moved home so often, didn't go out much and so on. Oh well, will no doubt find out in the fullness of time.
I need to also hit the right balance between it being respectful and humorous - I can't imagine him wanting me to do anything other than to say a few nice words and then get on with it.
Maybe it's me but I don't have the views that he's watching over me and all that guff. I hope that if there is a heaven he is reunited with other loved ones there (only the ones he wants to see) and is taking it all in and more than anything else, that he is at peace. I get the distinct vibes from my mum that things haven't always been what they seemed to be and that there were other reasons dad moved home so often, didn't go out much and so on. Oh well, will no doubt find out in the fullness of time.
I Wonder Quite How Strange It Is
I'm not feeling all massively upset about my dad's death. I know, well I think I know, that it is unusual, that I'm feeling sort of neutral. I get the odd twinge and I get a little upset at times but that's more about him sitting helpless in that bed and just the compassionate side of me, I hate suffering.
But now, dad's no longer suffering, nor is he in pain and all the horrible stuff has gone, the daily hospital grind that meant he didn't know what time of day it was, what day or month and so on. The pressure on my mum to constantly be there for him (he was terribly demanding and mum was his true constant throughout his life), her devotion - she was there every day for him without fail even if he slept all the time she was there.
I admire that devotion, that love of my dad by her and yet I have none of that myself. I suppose I didn't have the relationship with him that my brother and my mother had - not that I mind that, I have an inclination that I am very much like him except that I don't have the sort of bond and relationship they had.
All a bit cold fish really and yet I had a few wobbles but not for me, for others. My brother has been so strange since we found out that dad had Pancreatic Cancer and totally absurd in some of his ideas about what dad should have done. I liked the bit where he thought dad was being selfish (not having a massive operation) and didn't really get the irony of the situation that it was in fact he who wanted the operation to happen. Why? You can't have operations with low success rates just because you want someone to live longer for your own ends and means. I've tried so hard to talk to him or rationalise stuff mainly because he has been gradually disengaging with me for years. I have a low opinion of him now and all he does if give me reasons all the time to keep making it lower. He's driving my mum to distraction when she really needs support and assistance and more than anything balanced understanding of what she is going for.
You really have to see the mindless drivel he pumps out on Facebook to get the idea. As a friend of mine said "Is he in Holy Orders?" It feels like it. He is also gushingly, puke invoking, vomit inducing, flesh crawlingly, chringe inducingly sentimental.... Reading a comment would induce Diabetes.
The trouble is he doesn't understand that no one wants to have His idea of a service for dad, it just isn't him and the utter bollocks he has written for the Order of Service made my mum finally say that she is "having trouble with him!" he just isn't thinking or acting straight. I think I may now have stopped him writing cards from us with his verses on as I think he went down the shop and got a couple more cards just for his family so he can put his cheap verse (probably pulled from some second rate internet source) on them. At least it looks as if the vicar will be able to come and talk to mum without either my brother or me there and she can tell him what sort of service she wants for dad. Hopefully that will mean that the Order of Service (or as I like to call it - "War and Peace" written by a hooker) will actually reflect a short, poignant and dignified service. I'm sure my brother couldn't have made it any tackier if he had bought Kiss me Quick Hats, served chips and mushy peas and have had the Dagenham Girl Pipers playing the music.
But now, dad's no longer suffering, nor is he in pain and all the horrible stuff has gone, the daily hospital grind that meant he didn't know what time of day it was, what day or month and so on. The pressure on my mum to constantly be there for him (he was terribly demanding and mum was his true constant throughout his life), her devotion - she was there every day for him without fail even if he slept all the time she was there.
I admire that devotion, that love of my dad by her and yet I have none of that myself. I suppose I didn't have the relationship with him that my brother and my mother had - not that I mind that, I have an inclination that I am very much like him except that I don't have the sort of bond and relationship they had.
All a bit cold fish really and yet I had a few wobbles but not for me, for others. My brother has been so strange since we found out that dad had Pancreatic Cancer and totally absurd in some of his ideas about what dad should have done. I liked the bit where he thought dad was being selfish (not having a massive operation) and didn't really get the irony of the situation that it was in fact he who wanted the operation to happen. Why? You can't have operations with low success rates just because you want someone to live longer for your own ends and means. I've tried so hard to talk to him or rationalise stuff mainly because he has been gradually disengaging with me for years. I have a low opinion of him now and all he does if give me reasons all the time to keep making it lower. He's driving my mum to distraction when she really needs support and assistance and more than anything balanced understanding of what she is going for.
You really have to see the mindless drivel he pumps out on Facebook to get the idea. As a friend of mine said "Is he in Holy Orders?" It feels like it. He is also gushingly, puke invoking, vomit inducing, flesh crawlingly, chringe inducingly sentimental.... Reading a comment would induce Diabetes.
The trouble is he doesn't understand that no one wants to have His idea of a service for dad, it just isn't him and the utter bollocks he has written for the Order of Service made my mum finally say that she is "having trouble with him!" he just isn't thinking or acting straight. I think I may now have stopped him writing cards from us with his verses on as I think he went down the shop and got a couple more cards just for his family so he can put his cheap verse (probably pulled from some second rate internet source) on them. At least it looks as if the vicar will be able to come and talk to mum without either my brother or me there and she can tell him what sort of service she wants for dad. Hopefully that will mean that the Order of Service (or as I like to call it - "War and Peace" written by a hooker) will actually reflect a short, poignant and dignified service. I'm sure my brother couldn't have made it any tackier if he had bought Kiss me Quick Hats, served chips and mushy peas and have had the Dagenham Girl Pipers playing the music.
Sunday, July 08, 2012
Getting on with it
Things are complete here except for speaking to the vicar to discuss the order of service. It is no use me hanging around - mum doesn't want me to and I can pick up my daughter tonight and drive her home at the same time so that's a bit of a plan too.
At some time or the other I need to leave mum here to her devices, she knows that after that she will hit a brick wall and be bad for some time - won't we all? I haven't really had a bad time of it, I did have some sadness (watching Field of Dreams) and a little the other day when my mum told me what she wanted written from her on the flowers "Thank you for being my best friend" there, bugger it, tears in eyes again. That's because mum and dad were very much in love, very close and have always been so. That's why I'm quite lucky because I was brought up in that environment. However, I'm not inclined to be a blubbing sort and remember being cut up at my Uncle's funeral because there were so many people there and so many people who were in tears. His death was particularly tragic and sudden which also didn't help.
I have to do the family tribute but just hope I can hang out for that because I just know what my brother and his lot will be like and my mum too. Perhaps I'd better make sure I don't make that too emotional.
So I'll be off home a little later, after the F1 from Silverstone (which looks to be more like a boat race) and the Tennis with Andy Murray trying to go for glory. That gives me an extra day or so to write this thing. Additionally it will also mean I don't have to battle over the order of service with my brother. If anyone has gone over board it is him! He can be a right pillock sometimes and writes saccharin sweet rubbish and bollocks, oh dear, I suppose that's his way of dealing with it.
At some time or the other I need to leave mum here to her devices, she knows that after that she will hit a brick wall and be bad for some time - won't we all? I haven't really had a bad time of it, I did have some sadness (watching Field of Dreams) and a little the other day when my mum told me what she wanted written from her on the flowers "Thank you for being my best friend" there, bugger it, tears in eyes again. That's because mum and dad were very much in love, very close and have always been so. That's why I'm quite lucky because I was brought up in that environment. However, I'm not inclined to be a blubbing sort and remember being cut up at my Uncle's funeral because there were so many people there and so many people who were in tears. His death was particularly tragic and sudden which also didn't help.
I have to do the family tribute but just hope I can hang out for that because I just know what my brother and his lot will be like and my mum too. Perhaps I'd better make sure I don't make that too emotional.
So I'll be off home a little later, after the F1 from Silverstone (which looks to be more like a boat race) and the Tennis with Andy Murray trying to go for glory. That gives me an extra day or so to write this thing. Additionally it will also mean I don't have to battle over the order of service with my brother. If anyone has gone over board it is him! He can be a right pillock sometimes and writes saccharin sweet rubbish and bollocks, oh dear, I suppose that's his way of dealing with it.
Saturday, July 07, 2012
Nearly Everything Done Now
In fact so much is now complete that I will go home tomorrow night and pick up my daughter L on the way home. That saves her a train journey and the cost on that.
All the paperwork is complete - dad is at rest locally, mum is sort of OK but has the most awful "nervous" cough which only seems to go when she has a cough sweet or some honey, hope that it will go away after the funeral - it is directly related.
So far we've managed to get just about everything completed except the order of service and I'm waiting to hear how long I can speak for in the 25 minutes we are there. We have an overall window of 45 minutes start to finish but just the 25 minutes for the ceremony itself. With any luck, that will mean that the music is limited to 3 songs (maybe 4) and that means that the verses will also drop down to one or at best two not some of the epic poems that my brother thinks are required.
Went out to lunch with him today and hope that he's happy with my wishes for the cards and in fact it appears he may have gone in an gotten some for himself and his family so that they can have their verses on those too. I shudder at the sickly sentimentality of it all. Thank goodness I only see him very occasionally - he may look like me but goodness knows where he gets his ideas from.
As an example here is what he put on facebook:
"My Bestfriend
No one can hear my screams
In my thoughts or in my dreams
As I lie here waiting patiently
I wait for the day you come back to me
God took you away
He made me let you go
It happened for a reason
That’s all I care to know
Lately I have been thinking
Thinking about the past
The laughs and cries we shared together
You died too young, too fast
I will always think back
Back to that horrible day
The day I found out
That you, my friend, my father died.
God Bless Dad, no more pain, no more suffering XXXX"
All the paperwork is complete - dad is at rest locally, mum is sort of OK but has the most awful "nervous" cough which only seems to go when she has a cough sweet or some honey, hope that it will go away after the funeral - it is directly related.
So far we've managed to get just about everything completed except the order of service and I'm waiting to hear how long I can speak for in the 25 minutes we are there. We have an overall window of 45 minutes start to finish but just the 25 minutes for the ceremony itself. With any luck, that will mean that the music is limited to 3 songs (maybe 4) and that means that the verses will also drop down to one or at best two not some of the epic poems that my brother thinks are required.
Went out to lunch with him today and hope that he's happy with my wishes for the cards and in fact it appears he may have gone in an gotten some for himself and his family so that they can have their verses on those too. I shudder at the sickly sentimentality of it all. Thank goodness I only see him very occasionally - he may look like me but goodness knows where he gets his ideas from.
As an example here is what he put on facebook:
"My Bestfriend
No one can hear my screams
In my thoughts or in my dreams
As I lie here waiting patiently
I wait for the day you come back to me
God took you away
He made me let you go
It happened for a reason
That’s all I care to know
Lately I have been thinking
Thinking about the past
The laughs and cries we shared together
You died too young, too fast
I will always think back
Back to that horrible day
The day I found out
That you, my friend, my father died.
God Bless Dad, no more pain, no more suffering XXXX"
Of course, I'm not saying it is a bad thing but I'm not certain that he would relate to this at all (dad that is). I mean "You died too young too fast" Well he was 81 and it took close to a year. Not certain I get this sort of stuff at all.
Friday, July 06, 2012
Most things done
Just trying to finalise my list of things to be done. Have recorded the death, got the permission for dad to come home (well to the Chapel of Rest). He is now just around the corner here and mum will go and see him next week. It's not my sort of thing at all really, I don't get why you'd want to see a dead person. I'm sure it wont be horrid but it doesn't appear high up on the things I want to do. All the letters and emails, phone calls and arrangements are now made and I'm trying to work on convincing my brother who isn't a man of the cloth to stop acting like a vicar and writing loads of sentimental slush on things. I'm happy to let him have his way on the Order of Service with his Eulogy on the back pages, I'll be delivering the family tribute.
The problem I have with it is this, my brother has got really uptight and just writes the most cringe worthy stuff that my dad would hate. He really has lost the plot. So there's been a few frank exchanges of view about it and certainly in terms of the music, I've managed to change that to something a bit more like my dad would like and I hope when we see the vicar that we can have a minimalist version with just enough religious content to make sure things are done properly. My brother had also misinterpreted the amount of time we have so he thought 45 minutes but when I spoke to the Funeral Director to check it is actually 25 minutes so there's something that can be worked on to minimise the impact.
Anyway, I'm delighted that I have managed to get so much achieved and that the funeral will go ahead in a weeks time. Now to make sure that my brother sees my point about writing prose on the flowers dedication cards. It was lucky I didn't read beyond the first few lines it was that sentimental I might have puked up. He needs to get out more.
The problem I have with it is this, my brother has got really uptight and just writes the most cringe worthy stuff that my dad would hate. He really has lost the plot. So there's been a few frank exchanges of view about it and certainly in terms of the music, I've managed to change that to something a bit more like my dad would like and I hope when we see the vicar that we can have a minimalist version with just enough religious content to make sure things are done properly. My brother had also misinterpreted the amount of time we have so he thought 45 minutes but when I spoke to the Funeral Director to check it is actually 25 minutes so there's something that can be worked on to minimise the impact.
Anyway, I'm delighted that I have managed to get so much achieved and that the funeral will go ahead in a weeks time. Now to make sure that my brother sees my point about writing prose on the flowers dedication cards. It was lucky I didn't read beyond the first few lines it was that sentimental I might have puked up. He needs to get out more.
Wednesday, July 04, 2012
Strange Day
I have a headache but atmosphere (humid heavy) and the stresses and strains of the day have all added to things. Mum phoned this morning and both of us had our birthdays messed up a bit. I doubt dad even knew what day it actually was and he would have been distressed if we had told him. I'm now just getting ready to go up for 4 or 5 days to see what I can do.
Quite a bit has happened already and so that's OK but certificates need to be collected, the Registrar of Births and Deaths needs to issue the Death Certificate and other paperwork and then we can proceed. It looks like, as long as I can achieve paperwork tomorrow, we can go ahead with a funeral on the 13th July. They were going to go for the 16th but that is A's Graduation Ceremony so that's not possible and it is her first week in the job and she needs compassionate leave so she is a bit worried about that too.
I'm going to get ready now as I will set off at around 4 am to avoid the traffic and so that I can be with mum for breakfast. It also avoids the toll on the river crossing too :-)
Quite a bit has happened already and so that's OK but certificates need to be collected, the Registrar of Births and Deaths needs to issue the Death Certificate and other paperwork and then we can proceed. It looks like, as long as I can achieve paperwork tomorrow, we can go ahead with a funeral on the 13th July. They were going to go for the 16th but that is A's Graduation Ceremony so that's not possible and it is her first week in the job and she needs compassionate leave so she is a bit worried about that too.
I'm going to get ready now as I will set off at around 4 am to avoid the traffic and so that I can be with mum for breakfast. It also avoids the toll on the river crossing too :-)
On Reflection
Going out to dinner and not cancelling it was a good thing to do. Telling my daughter in the Restaurant wasn't ideal but she went straight there and I was hoping she would come home first.
Cracking open a bottle of Champagne and toasting my dad also not such a bad idea. Putting on the film Koyaanisqatsi was, I feel, a nice way to sit down and reflect on things. However, whatever made me select Field of Dreams afterwards is somewhat debatable. I suggest to you that if you remember the ending you may recollect why I found tears very easy last night, nothing much just tears at those last scenes before the cars arrived. Magical moment really as it is really an uplifting film, maybe a bit cheesy but uplifting nevertheless. The final film I tried to watch but was too tired was 2001 - dad loved Science Fiction and I thought 2001 was indeed another sure fire certainty to set me right. However, I didn't even get as far as the Docking sequence and had to retire to bed.
Slept well with all that Champagne in my system it would be difficult not to. I think my dad would be laughing mischievously today though as my birthday card I opened today comes from him.
Cracking open a bottle of Champagne and toasting my dad also not such a bad idea. Putting on the film Koyaanisqatsi was, I feel, a nice way to sit down and reflect on things. However, whatever made me select Field of Dreams afterwards is somewhat debatable. I suggest to you that if you remember the ending you may recollect why I found tears very easy last night, nothing much just tears at those last scenes before the cars arrived. Magical moment really as it is really an uplifting film, maybe a bit cheesy but uplifting nevertheless. The final film I tried to watch but was too tired was 2001 - dad loved Science Fiction and I thought 2001 was indeed another sure fire certainty to set me right. However, I didn't even get as far as the Docking sequence and had to retire to bed.
Slept well with all that Champagne in my system it would be difficult not to. I think my dad would be laughing mischievously today though as my birthday card I opened today comes from him.
Tuesday, July 03, 2012
And that's it - Dad is dead
I arrived back home and got the call from my brother that dad had just died a short time before he called. It is all a bit strange and a bit sudden and to say I wasn't expecting it to be so soon would be an understatement. But he passed away at 1:30 in the Hospital just as my mum arrived in the car park below. They'd just parked up and the call arrived.
In a way I think that is a good thing, we really hated seeing him just lying there and all helpless and sad and at least this meant he died without pain and his life just passed away. I suppose mum may have wanted to be there but I'm not sure that you can ever be there all the time and she's been at his side all the time she has been allowed to be there.
I won't be forgetting my birthday in a hurry :-) I'm sort of OK with this at the moment, I feel a little bit strange but not what I thought I'd be like. Perhaps after the shock has gone?
In a way I think that is a good thing, we really hated seeing him just lying there and all helpless and sad and at least this meant he died without pain and his life just passed away. I suppose mum may have wanted to be there but I'm not sure that you can ever be there all the time and she's been at his side all the time she has been allowed to be there.
I won't be forgetting my birthday in a hurry :-) I'm sort of OK with this at the moment, I feel a little bit strange but not what I thought I'd be like. Perhaps after the shock has gone?
I'm a bit strange I admit
I decided that tonight I'd watch one of my all time favourite films Delicatessen which is a pretty bizarre choice given the early state of my mind and the news I'd got from my mum - or is it?
Those who know me probably "get it", I needed a bit of an escape and a bit of black humour to try and stir me up a bit. Mind you, the problem is that it didn't really settle me down like I wanted it to and I'm still awake now. I need to get up and get to my "interview" in the morning so I'd better head off to bed now or else I risk being asleep during the meeting.
Those who know me probably "get it", I needed a bit of an escape and a bit of black humour to try and stir me up a bit. Mind you, the problem is that it didn't really settle me down like I wanted it to and I'm still awake now. I need to get up and get to my "interview" in the morning so I'd better head off to bed now or else I risk being asleep during the meeting.
Monday, July 02, 2012
Nearing the end?
I know I've been in a strange place most of today and Flocky came and cheered me up a bit this morning but I've started to lose my voice a bit and that's stress and anxiety and depression all in one there. Nice to report that A had a good day at work but didn't enjoy the call from my mum at all.
Dad now realises that he is "fading away fast" and that he is dying, he said as much today and the Doctor came along and basically said "Sorry old chap, I can't do anything more for you other than to make you feel comfortable." So the Morphine Syringe Driver has been installed today and the inevitable decline has started. My mum reports that he is bloating up a bit with water retention and she thinks that is a precursor to Renal failure.
I have a meeting tomorrow for a potential job and on Wednesday I'm due out - and it's my birthday. The girls are threatening to take me out tomorrow evening for a meal and so I'll make that and just have to take pot luck on what has happened during the day although mum and kid brother have my mobile if they need me.
I have to say I'm really not in a great place today, the 6 year anniversary hasn't helped much and I'm just going to have to see what will be this week. I really don't feel great but that's pretty obvious why that is.
Dad now realises that he is "fading away fast" and that he is dying, he said as much today and the Doctor came along and basically said "Sorry old chap, I can't do anything more for you other than to make you feel comfortable." So the Morphine Syringe Driver has been installed today and the inevitable decline has started. My mum reports that he is bloating up a bit with water retention and she thinks that is a precursor to Renal failure.
I have a meeting tomorrow for a potential job and on Wednesday I'm due out - and it's my birthday. The girls are threatening to take me out tomorrow evening for a meal and so I'll make that and just have to take pot luck on what has happened during the day although mum and kid brother have my mobile if they need me.
I have to say I'm really not in a great place today, the 6 year anniversary hasn't helped much and I'm just going to have to see what will be this week. I really don't feel great but that's pretty obvious why that is.
Nice on Flocky
Came over and took me out for a Coffee and I wasn't allowed to pay and he added the points onto my loyalty card and paid for the car park. Worried he'll be calling me a free loader now :-)
Actually though, it was very nice to get out and have a little company and to take my mind off of today - it is strange though I still feel sick but sort of half way up my throat - I don't know if that is stress or what it is but there you go. Funny reaction considering it's all over but I suppose when you think of it, it's a bit like surviving a train wreck or something similar.
Will be good to get today over with and get back on track although I have to say I'm far off knowing what I want to do with my life from this point onwards :-)
Actually though, it was very nice to get out and have a little company and to take my mind off of today - it is strange though I still feel sick but sort of half way up my throat - I don't know if that is stress or what it is but there you go. Funny reaction considering it's all over but I suppose when you think of it, it's a bit like surviving a train wreck or something similar.
Will be good to get today over with and get back on track although I have to say I'm far off knowing what I want to do with my life from this point onwards :-)
A off to work
What a day - A goes off to work - her first day in the job - I am feeling nervous for her but I'm sure she will do just fine. I'm looking forward to hearing all about it tonight.
As for me - well I feel sick - I just don't feel great today but then it is my 6th Anniversary and so not really a day I want repeated and I had terrible dreams last night and dad's situation is playing on my mind too. I just need to write today off although I am pleased for A of course.
A lot has happened in 6 years, many things have changed and here I am once again wondering what to do next. I dreamt a lot last night and it was all to do with living and not being where I am now. It sounds strange but it was all about whether working and building my pension now would be any use to me in the long run and if I'd even make it that long (I know - I have disturbing and strange dreams). It was throwing something right into the mix and asking whether or not to conform or to just get out there and do something or live a life less ordinary (sorry I must have stolen that from somewhere).
Well - I'm sure that something will come out this week - be glad to get today out of the way and hope to feel better tomorrow especially as I'm off for an interview / chat.
As for me - well I feel sick - I just don't feel great today but then it is my 6th Anniversary and so not really a day I want repeated and I had terrible dreams last night and dad's situation is playing on my mind too. I just need to write today off although I am pleased for A of course.
A lot has happened in 6 years, many things have changed and here I am once again wondering what to do next. I dreamt a lot last night and it was all to do with living and not being where I am now. It sounds strange but it was all about whether working and building my pension now would be any use to me in the long run and if I'd even make it that long (I know - I have disturbing and strange dreams). It was throwing something right into the mix and asking whether or not to conform or to just get out there and do something or live a life less ordinary (sorry I must have stolen that from somewhere).
Well - I'm sure that something will come out this week - be glad to get today out of the way and hope to feel better tomorrow especially as I'm off for an interview / chat.
Hopefully I'm not as paranoid as I seem
I find it increasingly difficult to not be blowing between high emotion and stony cold logic, between being in a totally confused state and one of absolute certainty. In each day I flash between diametrically opposed positions with such speed that it should make me dizzy.
Tonight I flash between being upset for my mum (her birthday in ruins), my dad's health, my daughter's first day at work, the complete lack of communication between Mrs. F. and myself today and whether I really want to work or not and what I want to do. I'm absolutely nowhere at the moment and now, well now, we are into 2nd July territory and the significance of that as the day I discovered I was ill (not knowing it was cancer). I can still feel the utter revulsion and utter horror at discovering blood in my urine - and not a little - a lot.
I feel that later on when I get up I will be having a bit of a bad day - it's already on me now as I write but in many ways, perhaps with A starting work it will become a good day in the future and not be about me but about her. I often ask whether now, with her working, is my work done? I'm glad that I survived to see her Graduate and see her start work. I'm impressed that she only finished University last week and has a job the week afterwards - now that's impressive :-)
I am lifted by her achievement - I'm just not certain about my own performance at the moment - I feel I fail in so many ways and yet I'm told I beat myself up unnecessarily? Maybe that's true, I just don't have the confidence at the moment and I just don't feel right inside. Crazily enough I feel well but something keeps grabbing my thoughts and pulling me around - and I know it is my own self doubt and my own inability to deal with certain aspects of my life. Such is always going to be my problem (as an INTJ) because lots of things in life don't make any sense to me whatsoever.
Tonight I flash between being upset for my mum (her birthday in ruins), my dad's health, my daughter's first day at work, the complete lack of communication between Mrs. F. and myself today and whether I really want to work or not and what I want to do. I'm absolutely nowhere at the moment and now, well now, we are into 2nd July territory and the significance of that as the day I discovered I was ill (not knowing it was cancer). I can still feel the utter revulsion and utter horror at discovering blood in my urine - and not a little - a lot.
I feel that later on when I get up I will be having a bit of a bad day - it's already on me now as I write but in many ways, perhaps with A starting work it will become a good day in the future and not be about me but about her. I often ask whether now, with her working, is my work done? I'm glad that I survived to see her Graduate and see her start work. I'm impressed that she only finished University last week and has a job the week afterwards - now that's impressive :-)
I am lifted by her achievement - I'm just not certain about my own performance at the moment - I feel I fail in so many ways and yet I'm told I beat myself up unnecessarily? Maybe that's true, I just don't have the confidence at the moment and I just don't feel right inside. Crazily enough I feel well but something keeps grabbing my thoughts and pulling me around - and I know it is my own self doubt and my own inability to deal with certain aspects of my life. Such is always going to be my problem (as an INTJ) because lots of things in life don't make any sense to me whatsoever.
Sunday, July 01, 2012
Her Big Day
First day at work for my first born :-) I'm delighted for her as she has worked so hard to get her Degree and I can only assume, as she got the job, put herself forward well to get the job. I remember how nervous I was on my first day and how long it seemed to be. I also remember how tired I was as you seemed to use your brain and body differently and so I remember being absolutely exhausted after the first week.
She will be working at the National Gallery in London and I can imagine that she will absolutely adore working there. As a child of 8 she asked me to take her to the Gallery and we had a great day, she showed me a number of famous pictures and explained them to me and knew who the artists were and what the pictures meant. Not bad for an 8 year old.
I'm of course a proud dad - I just hope she has a wonderful time and enjoys her job.
She will be working at the National Gallery in London and I can imagine that she will absolutely adore working there. As a child of 8 she asked me to take her to the Gallery and we had a great day, she showed me a number of famous pictures and explained them to me and knew who the artists were and what the pictures meant. Not bad for an 8 year old.
I'm of course a proud dad - I just hope she has a wonderful time and enjoys her job.
A Birthday to Forget
Mum's birthday - she doesn't want to celebrate it and she's not sure whether dad knows it is her birthday. I did ask my brother to sort out a card and he had already done that - bless him. Of course, she isn't really happy at the moment and its a terrible drag on her as dad slides down towards his destiny.
Let's hope that tomorrow they can assess him and get him into the home because if nothing else the change in scenery will do him good and in addition, the view over the garden and the peace and quiet may also be helpful and maybe give him a lift. He can have things in his room from home and mum can spend more time with him. I certainly hope that it will be a better place for him and for mum as it is nearer the house 10 minutes not 30. Fingers crossed that this can be achieved.
I was out with my mate on Friday and I now "get it" why I'm particularly depressed (there I've used the D word again) around this time of year and of course, it's the anniversary of our cancer journeys. I was being freaked out by the symptoms of mine and he was just about to go into hospital and have a pretty awful procedure. So perhaps it's the memory or the time of year that brings on this general feeling that I have. It's even got so far as I'm even thinking of not taking the job (that I haven't even got yet) and I'm full of self doubt and just don't know what to do for the future. Stupid I know and the trouble is that I've got an answer in my head - it just isn't the answer that I want right now. The answer is right for me but perhaps not for everyone else and I just wonder whether that might be the thing I've been struggling with all this time?
Perhaps that's what is taxing me and has been for ages. I know the answer and have done for ages I just haven't the courage to carry it out. So should you do what you want and sod everyone else when you've got commitments at home? Should you go and do something like that? You may think that for 2 years I've done that - but that was business. Here in lies the problem you see, I'm doing stuff that satisfies the majority but compromises me.
I need to work this out and that's what challenges my mind at the moment and I can't get to the answer because it splits into an emotional and a practical one. The emotional argument may well be the answer but the practical, pragmatic me is holding onto the logical and democratic (what's good for everyone) view. I just need to work it through and the trouble is it is such a BIG decision to make, life changing and that's the problem. If I go one way I head off and go do my own thing or I settle back down to mediocrity and I'm certain that after the experiences of the last few years is the last thing I need.
Let's hope that tomorrow they can assess him and get him into the home because if nothing else the change in scenery will do him good and in addition, the view over the garden and the peace and quiet may also be helpful and maybe give him a lift. He can have things in his room from home and mum can spend more time with him. I certainly hope that it will be a better place for him and for mum as it is nearer the house 10 minutes not 30. Fingers crossed that this can be achieved.
I was out with my mate on Friday and I now "get it" why I'm particularly depressed (there I've used the D word again) around this time of year and of course, it's the anniversary of our cancer journeys. I was being freaked out by the symptoms of mine and he was just about to go into hospital and have a pretty awful procedure. So perhaps it's the memory or the time of year that brings on this general feeling that I have. It's even got so far as I'm even thinking of not taking the job (that I haven't even got yet) and I'm full of self doubt and just don't know what to do for the future. Stupid I know and the trouble is that I've got an answer in my head - it just isn't the answer that I want right now. The answer is right for me but perhaps not for everyone else and I just wonder whether that might be the thing I've been struggling with all this time?
Perhaps that's what is taxing me and has been for ages. I know the answer and have done for ages I just haven't the courage to carry it out. So should you do what you want and sod everyone else when you've got commitments at home? Should you go and do something like that? You may think that for 2 years I've done that - but that was business. Here in lies the problem you see, I'm doing stuff that satisfies the majority but compromises me.
I need to work this out and that's what challenges my mind at the moment and I can't get to the answer because it splits into an emotional and a practical one. The emotional argument may well be the answer but the practical, pragmatic me is holding onto the logical and democratic (what's good for everyone) view. I just need to work it through and the trouble is it is such a BIG decision to make, life changing and that's the problem. If I go one way I head off and go do my own thing or I settle back down to mediocrity and I'm certain that after the experiences of the last few years is the last thing I need.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Home from Home
The home that can take dad was visited by my brother and mum this morning and they also got a call that the other home now had a vacancy and so that was good. The first home has a garden facing room and they liked the staff and the cleanliness and attention. The residents all seemed happy and all the questions were answered. So a reservation, subject to them assessing dad was made and with any luck, they can assess dad on Monday and then with any luck he may be moved on Tuesday or Wednesday. Well that is if he is assessed and they can take him of course.
The other great thing is that the home is just 10 minutes from home and of course, being a home dad can have some familiar things of his around him although he doesn't really want to have photographs as it makes him sad. Just also heard that a friend's mother has been brought home and being nursed there by the family and things are now getting close to the end.
Dad spent most of the day asleep today but is better than he has been for most of the week but - what I do hope is that he gets into this home and gets to see the garden and have a quiet room available for him. Let's hope that this small change might pay some dividends and also give him a bit of peace away from the noisy hospital.
The other great thing is that the home is just 10 minutes from home and of course, being a home dad can have some familiar things of his around him although he doesn't really want to have photographs as it makes him sad. Just also heard that a friend's mother has been brought home and being nursed there by the family and things are now getting close to the end.
Dad spent most of the day asleep today but is better than he has been for most of the week but - what I do hope is that he gets into this home and gets to see the garden and have a quiet room available for him. Let's hope that this small change might pay some dividends and also give him a bit of peace away from the noisy hospital.
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