My Mate Flocky Bicep suggests a meet at our local Costa but he cannot give me a lift back as he is on his motorbike. No problems, I needed to go and see the Jeweller man and see about dad's watch and it is the most perfect day, hardly any breeze, perhaps nudging 28 to 30 Degrees Centigrade. So I have a nice slow walk to the Coffee shop and see the Jeweller who tells me much as I expected that Dad's watch is worth about £100 wholesale and perhaps up to £300 retail. To service it will cost around £200. There were a lot of these Long Service Watches in the 1960s to 1980s until the world decided that employers didn't need to show any loyalty to employees any longer (and vice versa). So the market is a bit flooded with them. It is, Flocky and I agree, a very nice watch and the word "Elegant" and "Stylish" come to mind - well it is a Rolex of sorts.
So we have a civilised coffee (or three in fact) and I have my first Caffè Macchiato and loved it - that's on my list forever. Flocky has to go to work and I wander back home past the Privet and other hedges that exude the smells of a warm July day. the birds are chirping away in the hedgerows and the sun is wonderful and warm. I get pulled into the local pub by the "beer magnet" which I believe does exist and I have two wonderful pints of something called "Hooky" a guest ale whilst locals come in and we chat away about the weather and how we are and also a bit of nostalgia as the bar man is off with the Boys Brigade to the Isle of Wight for Battalion Camp. He is in my old group and I remember playing the Bugle and waking up the good people of the area every third Sunday as we paraded around the local street to church parade.
I come away from the pub there are families in the playing field where my father made my brother and I look for Sheep's Feathers all those years ago. The children are playing in the playground and the boys playing nicely on the football (soccer) pitch. The mums watch on from the picnic table with bags fill of food and drink. What a lovely scene.
I walk on through my typical English Village, past the shops, some now shut for lunch, and everything is alright with the world, I'm comfortable in this place, it is safe and it is familiar, the scents waft across and I wander without time or purpose home and think to myself, surely this is what it is about, surely this must be what retirement or heaven should be like? Warm, friendly, things happening around you but not too loud, a cool drink in the pub, some happy banter and a little breeze and if there had been a Cricket match on the green I would have known I would have arrived in my perfect spot :-) How good it is when the sun shines. Sometimes we just need to appreciate the things we have, today was like the early 1970s again when all the summers were hot and warm and I spent the time with my friends, cycling around the woods and parkland, building dams, exploring the woods, playing cricket and football and not having a care in the world (apart from getting home for tea on time of course!).
I looked at my village today in a whole different light and though how lucky I was to live in this little haven on the outskirts of London and on the borders of the green belt. How nice it was to have a little village pub and a recreation ground, village shops, a tidy road, no graffiti and no dereliction. Now to carry these thoughts forward, today is a nice day.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Time to stop bashing and get behind the games
This country has become so cynical and infatuated with people of notoriety (note I didn't say celebrities FFS - some people they are fascinated by have small minds and just looks produced by surgery!)
Add to that, the dumbing down of everything so that no one has to try and get to a level of conciousness even to understand it. The dire state of the BBC now and it's "journalists" who may as well not have the interviewee there as they pose rhetorical questions. Why oh why would I be interested in what the journalists says, why do they ask the negative questions, why do they snide and look down their noses at absolutely everything? And why tell me do they want to trash this country and its people? I hate today's sniping, cowardly, lazy, ignorant journalists, comedians, "Celebrities" and all the other anally retentive people involved with them.
everything these days must be introduced with some B or C class celebrity on the panel who knows absolutely nothing about what is going on but puts in a "joke" or "humorous" jape even when it happens to be something serious. They have no sense of occasion and are full of their own self importance. I wonder if I can develop a virus that gives them something nasty enough to wipe them off the face of the earth or at least disable them for the nest 6 to 8 weeks. It's like having something solemn like a State Funeral narrated by Chuckles the Monkey and Steve Martin, Fatima Whitbread and Sooty and Sweep. Please bring back some serious, well trained, well informed journalists who ask questions we want answers to and not getting someone on the show and not allowing them to speak.
So - the Games start tomorrow and the opening ceremony is on Friday. Groups of people who haven't quite worked out the public mood are taking strike action (or threatening it) just so they can make a point and stuff we've known about for 7 years is now coming as a shock to everyone like the transport chaos in and around London... Why is it that I know that it isn't going to be a great place to get around in especially with 3 million extra journeys a day in London and everyone else expects no impact - could it be that they are now so worn down by the inane banter on TV that they can't take any information in or look it up for themselves?
I just hope that someone, anyone, gets a grip on the BBC this year and we get some seriously good journalism and someone with a bit of stature to compère it - given the utter farce they made of the Queen's Diamond Jubilee Pageant, I somehow fear that it will not be. I do hope I'm wrong - at least there are other sports channels available and 24 dedicated channels as well so I hope that I can at least avoid being spoken to like a 2 year old.
It would be nice to stop being so British about this and instead of beating each other up, slagging off the games, to get behind them and celebrate - what for many of us - will be a once in a life time event. Many of us didn't get tickets to our own games and there are things that maybe disappointing but, get in the spirit and get behind the Athletes and just enjoy it, God knows we've paid our taxes and been in a long period of austerity perhaps we've forgotten how to have fun and celebrate this event - about the only thing that brings all the citizens of the world together in one place for a common purpose. That MUST be a good thing given how terribly we all get on with each other the rest of the time!!!
Add to that, the dumbing down of everything so that no one has to try and get to a level of conciousness even to understand it. The dire state of the BBC now and it's "journalists" who may as well not have the interviewee there as they pose rhetorical questions. Why oh why would I be interested in what the journalists says, why do they ask the negative questions, why do they snide and look down their noses at absolutely everything? And why tell me do they want to trash this country and its people? I hate today's sniping, cowardly, lazy, ignorant journalists, comedians, "Celebrities" and all the other anally retentive people involved with them.
everything these days must be introduced with some B or C class celebrity on the panel who knows absolutely nothing about what is going on but puts in a "joke" or "humorous" jape even when it happens to be something serious. They have no sense of occasion and are full of their own self importance. I wonder if I can develop a virus that gives them something nasty enough to wipe them off the face of the earth or at least disable them for the nest 6 to 8 weeks. It's like having something solemn like a State Funeral narrated by Chuckles the Monkey and Steve Martin, Fatima Whitbread and Sooty and Sweep. Please bring back some serious, well trained, well informed journalists who ask questions we want answers to and not getting someone on the show and not allowing them to speak.
So - the Games start tomorrow and the opening ceremony is on Friday. Groups of people who haven't quite worked out the public mood are taking strike action (or threatening it) just so they can make a point and stuff we've known about for 7 years is now coming as a shock to everyone like the transport chaos in and around London... Why is it that I know that it isn't going to be a great place to get around in especially with 3 million extra journeys a day in London and everyone else expects no impact - could it be that they are now so worn down by the inane banter on TV that they can't take any information in or look it up for themselves?
I just hope that someone, anyone, gets a grip on the BBC this year and we get some seriously good journalism and someone with a bit of stature to compère it - given the utter farce they made of the Queen's Diamond Jubilee Pageant, I somehow fear that it will not be. I do hope I'm wrong - at least there are other sports channels available and 24 dedicated channels as well so I hope that I can at least avoid being spoken to like a 2 year old.
It would be nice to stop being so British about this and instead of beating each other up, slagging off the games, to get behind them and celebrate - what for many of us - will be a once in a life time event. Many of us didn't get tickets to our own games and there are things that maybe disappointing but, get in the spirit and get behind the Athletes and just enjoy it, God knows we've paid our taxes and been in a long period of austerity perhaps we've forgotten how to have fun and celebrate this event - about the only thing that brings all the citizens of the world together in one place for a common purpose. That MUST be a good thing given how terribly we all get on with each other the rest of the time!!!
Monday, July 23, 2012
Write it down
I've decided to record my preferences for my funeral so there will be no doubt that it is to be similar to my dad's if possible. I've selected some music tracks that I like that are suitable (and some unsuitable ones) and just some basics. I have no doubt that it will be as difficult for whoever is left to sort it out but if I write down some ideas of stuff I like then it might make that a bit easier. I'll have a bit of a balance on the religious content as I do
I do like poetry but most of it is probably unsuitable - I like the WW1 war poets particularly but not sure that they would be quite the ticket really. I might need to have a think about that and jot down some favourites in that area. I fancy a fair bit of stuff but with 25 minutes to cover a life it is hardly possible. Maybe they can just have some of my music at my wake and a few photos of us having a laugh..
Dad left a note about his chosen charities and the poem he wanted and a few caretaker's notes about what to do with his ashes etc. A man of little fuss and that's fine - I would prefer something that just celebrated the fun its been.
So I thought that I ought to at least give it a crack and of course now I've started writing my favourite music and listening to the tracks and lyrics - I have too many - Mmmm :-) Oh well, at least there'll be plenty to choose from.
Like my films, my music is typically me and eclectic so that should be interesting. I have just started to go through the DVDs I got for my birthday - there are a couple that I know will not be quite right at the moment to watch as they will be too upsetting and a bit raw. That's find but I'd rather hold them until I am ready. It is similar with certain bits of music I really have to build up to listening to them - almost like preparing myself for the train wreck they impart on my emotions. It sounds a bit strange but some classical work, if you just sit down and immerse yourself in it, can be quite draining - Elgar and the Enigma Variations - amazing but play me Nimrod from that and it rips me apart. we definitely aren't having that at my funeral...
I do like poetry but most of it is probably unsuitable - I like the WW1 war poets particularly but not sure that they would be quite the ticket really. I might need to have a think about that and jot down some favourites in that area. I fancy a fair bit of stuff but with 25 minutes to cover a life it is hardly possible. Maybe they can just have some of my music at my wake and a few photos of us having a laugh..
Dad left a note about his chosen charities and the poem he wanted and a few caretaker's notes about what to do with his ashes etc. A man of little fuss and that's fine - I would prefer something that just celebrated the fun its been.
So I thought that I ought to at least give it a crack and of course now I've started writing my favourite music and listening to the tracks and lyrics - I have too many - Mmmm :-) Oh well, at least there'll be plenty to choose from.
Like my films, my music is typically me and eclectic so that should be interesting. I have just started to go through the DVDs I got for my birthday - there are a couple that I know will not be quite right at the moment to watch as they will be too upsetting and a bit raw. That's find but I'd rather hold them until I am ready. It is similar with certain bits of music I really have to build up to listening to them - almost like preparing myself for the train wreck they impart on my emotions. It sounds a bit strange but some classical work, if you just sit down and immerse yourself in it, can be quite draining - Elgar and the Enigma Variations - amazing but play me Nimrod from that and it rips me apart. we definitely aren't having that at my funeral...
Disturbing
The disturbing thing, looking back at my dad's illness was the helplessness at the end and knowing in yourself that you couldn't move, look after yourself and away went any dignity you had. If anything upsets me, then it is that. we all have to die and that's a fact it's how we lived (surely) that we are measured by and my dad was one of life's quiet men, very quiet indeed. I must ask mum when she's up to it to tell me what she would only tell me after he was dead.
The thing about this is that he never wanted a fuss made and was independent almost to the extreme. He thought it strange that we were interested in him and mum and came over to see them etc? Strange I know - he expected nothing from us and was always a bit taken aback if we did anything or any gesture - funny isn't it. Mind you I'm like that, I've done my bit, provided everything I can, the framework, to the best of my abilities for my children and family and the reward is having done that no more. I can see his point of view on that but I think I'd like to see my children grow up and fulfil their potential and do well (who wouldn't). I'm pretty pleased that they are as balanced as they are.
So the disturbing bit though is that view I see of my dad unable to move in bed, unable to lift himself using his hands and the poor attention that they were able to give to him through lack of staff and training (in my opinion) although he was looked after OK it was only just OK. It wouldn't happen on my watch and my brother who works in the health service was very annoyed about the lack of management there. I shall let him go fight that one out from his lofted internal position I'm sure he will get many more answers. Like all things I see in this life, if only someone were to take a step back, look and actually see, think and apply basic common sense then things wouldn't be half as bad as they are now.
I see that in the late night before going to sleep and when I wake and if the truth of it be known whilst I feel sorry for him I feel dread in myself that I don't go like that, hanging around and getting weaker and weaker and being unable to influence it. It surely is a sad thing. I am also getting back into a dangerous state of mind about the future which is interesting, it isn't a good place to be for me as it is bordering beyond my usual self control and logical state of being, it is revolutionary and self destructive (maybe). I am 27 years my dad's junior and suddenly it is playing on my mind that perhaps I ought to be doing something with that time, something either important or not important and frivolous or adventurous or philanthropic - I just don't know - it's just one of those feelings where you look around at all the negativity and downright nastiness that is around these days and wonder whether you could just get away from it all and go and do something that would make you happy and contented for the rest of you life, that would allow you to meet your maker and to be satisfied that you did your best and you used the time somehow better than being an arse to the rest of your fellow human beings.
The thing about this is that he never wanted a fuss made and was independent almost to the extreme. He thought it strange that we were interested in him and mum and came over to see them etc? Strange I know - he expected nothing from us and was always a bit taken aback if we did anything or any gesture - funny isn't it. Mind you I'm like that, I've done my bit, provided everything I can, the framework, to the best of my abilities for my children and family and the reward is having done that no more. I can see his point of view on that but I think I'd like to see my children grow up and fulfil their potential and do well (who wouldn't). I'm pretty pleased that they are as balanced as they are.
So the disturbing bit though is that view I see of my dad unable to move in bed, unable to lift himself using his hands and the poor attention that they were able to give to him through lack of staff and training (in my opinion) although he was looked after OK it was only just OK. It wouldn't happen on my watch and my brother who works in the health service was very annoyed about the lack of management there. I shall let him go fight that one out from his lofted internal position I'm sure he will get many more answers. Like all things I see in this life, if only someone were to take a step back, look and actually see, think and apply basic common sense then things wouldn't be half as bad as they are now.
I see that in the late night before going to sleep and when I wake and if the truth of it be known whilst I feel sorry for him I feel dread in myself that I don't go like that, hanging around and getting weaker and weaker and being unable to influence it. It surely is a sad thing. I am also getting back into a dangerous state of mind about the future which is interesting, it isn't a good place to be for me as it is bordering beyond my usual self control and logical state of being, it is revolutionary and self destructive (maybe). I am 27 years my dad's junior and suddenly it is playing on my mind that perhaps I ought to be doing something with that time, something either important or not important and frivolous or adventurous or philanthropic - I just don't know - it's just one of those feelings where you look around at all the negativity and downright nastiness that is around these days and wonder whether you could just get away from it all and go and do something that would make you happy and contented for the rest of you life, that would allow you to meet your maker and to be satisfied that you did your best and you used the time somehow better than being an arse to the rest of your fellow human beings.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Sport overload
The Olympics get under way on Wednesday with the football and this time next week will be the bike race. Today saw Bradley Wiggins win the Tour de France - the first British guy to do so. There was so much sport on it was amazing there was the Cricket where we are getting soundly beaten by South Africa, the German Grand Prix, The Open Golf, there was World Touring Cars and Cart on too. By some happy circumstance, the F1 was on the TV today as we appear to have got a few extra channels - not sure if for the weekend or maybe for the duration of the Olympics - who knows. Also noticed that we have around 20 channels for the Olympics allowing us to watch non stop Olympic action. Last time the games were on we were in the Azores on holiday. It doesn't seem 4 years ago.
I've made it a thing to phone my mum up every day at the moment until she tells me she doesn't want me to. Still not sure about going up to do dad's ashes. It doesn't really fit well with me and to travel up to empty them onto the roses doesn't make much sense to me. I'll try and plan to go up in between the two sets of Olympics as to travel anywhere in the next two weeks is meant to be crazy so they say.
I've had receipt of my CV acknowledged and now just have to wait until they've done their review. I don't know who I'm up against so will wait to hear the results of their review. You never know with these things of course, you just never know. At least this time it appears to be above board which the last one could hardly have said to have been.
I've made it a thing to phone my mum up every day at the moment until she tells me she doesn't want me to. Still not sure about going up to do dad's ashes. It doesn't really fit well with me and to travel up to empty them onto the roses doesn't make much sense to me. I'll try and plan to go up in between the two sets of Olympics as to travel anywhere in the next two weeks is meant to be crazy so they say.
I've had receipt of my CV acknowledged and now just have to wait until they've done their review. I don't know who I'm up against so will wait to hear the results of their review. You never know with these things of course, you just never know. At least this time it appears to be above board which the last one could hardly have said to have been.
Another milestone out of the way and one more left
On Tuesday - it will be 6 years since my operation that when I think about it, saved my life. In the old days I don't know what they would have been able to do. Anyway, yesterday was the 6th anniversary of finding out what I had and that was in itself a strange thing. You kind of know what you've got but you desperately hope that there is some other explanation. Of course that wasn't to be. Devastating news absolutely devastating but that's what you have to deal with.
It actually makes my day quite flat and I was a bit caught out this morning flashing back to my dad in his Hospital bed and how sad that was. The thought of lying their helplessly isn't one that I like much for him or for me. I'd hate it but perhaps, if you are weary by then, well maybe it isn't so bad? I don't know the answer to that. I felt that he hated being there, hated losing his ability to walk or to even lift himself out of bed. It wasn't right, it just wasn't but I suppose we all have to go somehow but that drifting away stuff and just losing weight all the time was just pitiful and upsetting for everyone.
It actually makes my day quite flat and I was a bit caught out this morning flashing back to my dad in his Hospital bed and how sad that was. The thought of lying their helplessly isn't one that I like much for him or for me. I'd hate it but perhaps, if you are weary by then, well maybe it isn't so bad? I don't know the answer to that. I felt that he hated being there, hated losing his ability to walk or to even lift himself out of bed. It wasn't right, it just wasn't but I suppose we all have to go somehow but that drifting away stuff and just losing weight all the time was just pitiful and upsetting for everyone.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Anti Climax
Like many things - you work really hard to do something and you issue it and hear - nothing at all, not a sausage. Did send it through a different way as well but still nothing. Oh well, let's see what happens over the weekend.
Have plasterer here in the morning to look at the wreckage that is our bathroom. Need to work out how much and when he can do it so I can plan that out. It is going to be a mess I know but the disturbance is the problem - more for young A who is working now and will need to sort out how we can get the bathroom refurbished as quickly as possible - I think I could do it in a week but that is really pushing it and hoping everything goes to plan! It is the drying and curing times that are the problem not actually doing the work.
Feel somewhat annoyed too. Mum wants me to go up so we can spread dad's ashes. The Olympics start next Friday and she'd like to do it then - the trouble is being south of London and having to go north on the day of the Olympic opening ceremony which must be happening all of 15 miles from us - well go figure! Now I'm not particularly fussed about doing it. It is symbolic of course but I said my goodbye, quite publicly at his funeral and so don't have a need or indeed a want to go do this. Not sure if my mum and brother will be OK with it. I shall have to tread carefully.
Have plasterer here in the morning to look at the wreckage that is our bathroom. Need to work out how much and when he can do it so I can plan that out. It is going to be a mess I know but the disturbance is the problem - more for young A who is working now and will need to sort out how we can get the bathroom refurbished as quickly as possible - I think I could do it in a week but that is really pushing it and hoping everything goes to plan! It is the drying and curing times that are the problem not actually doing the work.
Feel somewhat annoyed too. Mum wants me to go up so we can spread dad's ashes. The Olympics start next Friday and she'd like to do it then - the trouble is being south of London and having to go north on the day of the Olympic opening ceremony which must be happening all of 15 miles from us - well go figure! Now I'm not particularly fussed about doing it. It is symbolic of course but I said my goodbye, quite publicly at his funeral and so don't have a need or indeed a want to go do this. Not sure if my mum and brother will be OK with it. I shall have to tread carefully.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Eve of 6 Year Anniversary
My goodness - it was 6 years ago tomorrow that I was diagnosed with Bladder Cancer - how time flies. At this time I was being prescribed some Tamazepam because I was climbing the walls and had been told I was having a local procedure when in fact I was expecting to be knocked out for the procedure.
It is amazing just thinking or writing it quite how disturbed I get - ewwwww.
So 6 years, I'm still here, thank goodness for that.
I have just sent off my CV and covering letter for a job that I'd like to get - although it isn't important if I don't get it - it would just make for an interesting time if I did though. It would be nice to get past the first hurdle this time.
It is amazing just thinking or writing it quite how disturbed I get - ewwwww.
So 6 years, I'm still here, thank goodness for that.
I have just sent off my CV and covering letter for a job that I'd like to get - although it isn't important if I don't get it - it would just make for an interesting time if I did though. It would be nice to get past the first hurdle this time.
Heavy Day
I worked until 2 in the morning on my resume and my covering letter to go for the job vacancy tomorrow. Luckily Flocky Bicep invited me out for a coffee and we met up and he kindly did a quick review for me of the letter and the contents. It was good to get an independent review and it was most useful. I've changed it around based on that and found the odd typo myself! As you do.
It is late again tonight and I intend to head off to bed in a short while. I have now made all the last changes to the documents and will tidy it all up in the morning and email it off. I hope that it is sufficiently differentiated from the other candidates to stand out amongst them and to at least get me thorough the door (this time) for an interview. Keen observers may remember that about 3 years ago I was furious that there wasn't a real job there and that I had got the most awful crappy email back. Had it not been who it was I think I would have been able to go to tribunal and slaughtered them for such a crass way of dealing with things more especially as it was a done deal or a stitch up as we like to call it. I have put out feelers this time and have been told that there is a real vacancy this time. Let's hope so and let's hope that it is worth the effort expended.
Spoke to mum and you just have to get annoyed at petty officialdom and the way they are dealing with sorting out changing things after my dad has died. The Tax Office are first on my hit list as are Nat West Bank for being crass and stupid, but then what did I expect from the Tax Office and a Bank? Even Estate Agents have risen in my list above bankers and tax officials. They sure know how to upset a widow... Gits.
Anyhow, we got past that and it was nice that mum however, worked on getting dad's stuff together and bagging it up for the charity shop yesterday - she is pretty good at being practical and not moping around. She wants me to go up so we can spread dad's ashes. I'm not sure I want to go all the way up there to do that myself. I need to convince myself as for some unknown reason I'm not into all this stuff at all and would be happy for mum and my brother who live 16 miles away to do it. I have a 250/260 mile round trip and whilst I am happy to be there for my mum if she wants, I'm not sure that I'll feel anything about it.
Maybe it hasn't hit me or I'm not getting it or I've already gone through the loss stuff. Maybe I'm in the denial stage of the Kubler Ross cycle - I don't know but I just haven't really been in this grief and crying, sobbing stage (apart from on the night of his death and when he told me he had jaundice and I kind of guessed what it was).
I feel "different" and sometimes I feel a little upset about it and have been more thoughtful than I used to be. Perhaps that is just me? Maybe something will happen later on that will make it anything other than what it was - it's life and my attitude is to see all the good things he did and the good times we had. Death comes to us all, surely it is how you are remembered in your life rather than on your death? There is something to be said for some of the things you learn in life. I like the phrase "Live respected and die regretted" it is used in a Masonic ceremony and it sums up how I feel about my dad. I respected him and he did all these great things for me and then he let me get on and do my own thing. I knew he was there just in case but it wasn't his way to interfere and it wasn't his way to have any fuss made. I regret his dying of course but there never is a "good" time to go and it was his time and he'd had enough and goodness knows he suffered enough.
Of course there's the thing that screws with my head, looking at the cancer taking hold of him, and that is - it could have been me, just a few years back and it brought the fears and the worry back into focus for me. It didn't happen to me but it might have. As my aunt kindly reminded me, our family line is full of cancers - gee thanks for that cheery note :-) I suppose there is something in that but we aren't meant to live this long and something needs to get us one way or the other!
Oh well, you can philosophise all you want it isn't going to change the way things are.
It is late again tonight and I intend to head off to bed in a short while. I have now made all the last changes to the documents and will tidy it all up in the morning and email it off. I hope that it is sufficiently differentiated from the other candidates to stand out amongst them and to at least get me thorough the door (this time) for an interview. Keen observers may remember that about 3 years ago I was furious that there wasn't a real job there and that I had got the most awful crappy email back. Had it not been who it was I think I would have been able to go to tribunal and slaughtered them for such a crass way of dealing with things more especially as it was a done deal or a stitch up as we like to call it. I have put out feelers this time and have been told that there is a real vacancy this time. Let's hope so and let's hope that it is worth the effort expended.
Spoke to mum and you just have to get annoyed at petty officialdom and the way they are dealing with sorting out changing things after my dad has died. The Tax Office are first on my hit list as are Nat West Bank for being crass and stupid, but then what did I expect from the Tax Office and a Bank? Even Estate Agents have risen in my list above bankers and tax officials. They sure know how to upset a widow... Gits.
Anyhow, we got past that and it was nice that mum however, worked on getting dad's stuff together and bagging it up for the charity shop yesterday - she is pretty good at being practical and not moping around. She wants me to go up so we can spread dad's ashes. I'm not sure I want to go all the way up there to do that myself. I need to convince myself as for some unknown reason I'm not into all this stuff at all and would be happy for mum and my brother who live 16 miles away to do it. I have a 250/260 mile round trip and whilst I am happy to be there for my mum if she wants, I'm not sure that I'll feel anything about it.
Maybe it hasn't hit me or I'm not getting it or I've already gone through the loss stuff. Maybe I'm in the denial stage of the Kubler Ross cycle - I don't know but I just haven't really been in this grief and crying, sobbing stage (apart from on the night of his death and when he told me he had jaundice and I kind of guessed what it was).
I feel "different" and sometimes I feel a little upset about it and have been more thoughtful than I used to be. Perhaps that is just me? Maybe something will happen later on that will make it anything other than what it was - it's life and my attitude is to see all the good things he did and the good times we had. Death comes to us all, surely it is how you are remembered in your life rather than on your death? There is something to be said for some of the things you learn in life. I like the phrase "Live respected and die regretted" it is used in a Masonic ceremony and it sums up how I feel about my dad. I respected him and he did all these great things for me and then he let me get on and do my own thing. I knew he was there just in case but it wasn't his way to interfere and it wasn't his way to have any fuss made. I regret his dying of course but there never is a "good" time to go and it was his time and he'd had enough and goodness knows he suffered enough.
Of course there's the thing that screws with my head, looking at the cancer taking hold of him, and that is - it could have been me, just a few years back and it brought the fears and the worry back into focus for me. It didn't happen to me but it might have. As my aunt kindly reminded me, our family line is full of cancers - gee thanks for that cheery note :-) I suppose there is something in that but we aren't meant to live this long and something needs to get us one way or the other!
Oh well, you can philosophise all you want it isn't going to change the way things are.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Long talk with business partner
It was nice to get the chance to have a chat with my business partner. We are both now looking for new jobs and busily working on our CVs. Everything has changed now though and we aren't looking for the sort of jobs we used to do. I'm doing my best to put forward a good case for a job I'm interested in but I feel I might be putting too much into it. I need to spend tomorrow revising it and cutting it down. The letter and CV looks OK but the response to the job is difficult as they've hardly described the job at all but I want them to realise I understand the job thoroughly and am up for the challenge.
Other than that the bathroom furniture arrived today so I have everything needed to do the bathroom but need the plasterer to say when he can do it - then I can plan everything else around it. Unfortunately it means being without a bathroom for about 1 and a half weeks to 2 weeks I reckon. We have a cloakroom and two sinks downstairs but with 4 to 6 people in the house at the moment it is difficult to work this all out. If they need the new suite they will just have to bear with me whilst I do it. Of course if I get this job it will be "interesting" as it will probably start very soon indeed.
Spoke to mum today she's bagged up all dad's clothes ready to go to the charity shop. I suggested that I would have come up and done that but she is a very pragmatic sort of person and I think she needs to get these things sorted and move on - she isn't the sort to sit around moping about and that's good I think. I just hope that she gets a life now after being devoted to dad for so long and looking after him so well these past years.
I am also a little concerned with my own feelings. I don't know what I'm feeling at the moment. I am somewhat neutral still and my mate and I felt we were perhaps just disenchanted with the way things had gone with the business. It isn't that it is a bad idea or has great merit just that there are no visionary people available to move the idea on. It seems a shame really but there you go. Maybe we will strike it lucky and someone come and buy the idea off us or at least take it further still. The weather here hasn't helped the low feelings everyone has and leading to the Olympics when we should all be celebrating seems to be a damp squib. They say the weather will change next week - well let's hope it shines bright as the world turns its attention to us.
Other than that the bathroom furniture arrived today so I have everything needed to do the bathroom but need the plasterer to say when he can do it - then I can plan everything else around it. Unfortunately it means being without a bathroom for about 1 and a half weeks to 2 weeks I reckon. We have a cloakroom and two sinks downstairs but with 4 to 6 people in the house at the moment it is difficult to work this all out. If they need the new suite they will just have to bear with me whilst I do it. Of course if I get this job it will be "interesting" as it will probably start very soon indeed.
Spoke to mum today she's bagged up all dad's clothes ready to go to the charity shop. I suggested that I would have come up and done that but she is a very pragmatic sort of person and I think she needs to get these things sorted and move on - she isn't the sort to sit around moping about and that's good I think. I just hope that she gets a life now after being devoted to dad for so long and looking after him so well these past years.
I am also a little concerned with my own feelings. I don't know what I'm feeling at the moment. I am somewhat neutral still and my mate and I felt we were perhaps just disenchanted with the way things had gone with the business. It isn't that it is a bad idea or has great merit just that there are no visionary people available to move the idea on. It seems a shame really but there you go. Maybe we will strike it lucky and someone come and buy the idea off us or at least take it further still. The weather here hasn't helped the low feelings everyone has and leading to the Olympics when we should all be celebrating seems to be a damp squib. They say the weather will change next week - well let's hope it shines bright as the world turns its attention to us.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Beer with a friend or two
It was nice to get a beer with my friend who was visiting his mother today. Additionally my mate and his girlfriend (or is that partner at our age) also turned up. It was a lovely short drink - a few beers a nice chat - nice to get some grief off my chest and also to discuss my pride after yesterday's Graduation Ceremony for A.
I suggest that when they asked the Graduates to turn around and thank their families and friends for the support they'd received and they all cheered and clapped I believe a small bit of dust got blown into my eyes and probably into my throat too. I thought it was all about them, the graduates, not us, it's what we do isn't it, as parents? It's my duty and I've never ever thought that it has anything to do with me other than to provide the opportunity and the wherewithal to allow it to happen. My parents couldn't provide that for me. I was academically able but we lived in different times and so it wasn't to be.
So I find it interesting to look at these two parallels and to compare them. I knew nothing about University - my friend - that I met tonight was one of only a few people I knew who went to University and I have to say that in retrospect it would have crippled my family for me to have gone no matter how good I was. It didn't happen but there you go. I'm luckily in a position to have been able to support both daughters in doing whatever was practicably useful in their education and that to me is my honour and my privilege and so far they have repaid us handsomely but - you know - it isn't about me it's my covenant that I made when we decided to have kids. I kind of think that's what my dad did - the best he could for me and once we were established - that was his job done - he didn't need any reward or honour - just to see us well established and making progress and improving on his lot was reward enough.
Oh well that's my 5 pence worth tonight.
I suggest that when they asked the Graduates to turn around and thank their families and friends for the support they'd received and they all cheered and clapped I believe a small bit of dust got blown into my eyes and probably into my throat too. I thought it was all about them, the graduates, not us, it's what we do isn't it, as parents? It's my duty and I've never ever thought that it has anything to do with me other than to provide the opportunity and the wherewithal to allow it to happen. My parents couldn't provide that for me. I was academically able but we lived in different times and so it wasn't to be.
So I find it interesting to look at these two parallels and to compare them. I knew nothing about University - my friend - that I met tonight was one of only a few people I knew who went to University and I have to say that in retrospect it would have crippled my family for me to have gone no matter how good I was. It didn't happen but there you go. I'm luckily in a position to have been able to support both daughters in doing whatever was practicably useful in their education and that to me is my honour and my privilege and so far they have repaid us handsomely but - you know - it isn't about me it's my covenant that I made when we decided to have kids. I kind of think that's what my dad did - the best he could for me and once we were established - that was his job done - he didn't need any reward or honour - just to see us well established and making progress and improving on his lot was reward enough.
Oh well that's my 5 pence worth tonight.
That's one less problem out of the way
I was going to ring my friend today - it's been 2 weeks since I went for the interview and since dad died. We suggested about 2 weeks to "think about" the job which they'd have liked me to do but I was concerned about the journey and during the Olympics too - something that they'd admitted they had not thought about - considering the road race comes right past them and the roads would be closed, you'd have thought someone would have thought of it.
Over the past two weeks I've thought hard about whether I want to do it and do you know what? I really shouldn't thin too hard. I knew as soon as I'd arrived home after quite a long journey there and back and just getting a "feel" of the place that I'd probably find it annoying and frustrating and that the journey at around 4 hours a day would be too much.
So this morning I got a text saying that the guy who wanted me there isn't getting anywhere trying to put some discipline into them and he is leaving so there would be little point in me going there. That's fine and it saves the phone call I was about to have with them.
Things work out for the best sometimes.
Gosh - 2 weeks since dad died! I'm still not sure where I am with that yet?
Over the past two weeks I've thought hard about whether I want to do it and do you know what? I really shouldn't thin too hard. I knew as soon as I'd arrived home after quite a long journey there and back and just getting a "feel" of the place that I'd probably find it annoying and frustrating and that the journey at around 4 hours a day would be too much.
So this morning I got a text saying that the guy who wanted me there isn't getting anywhere trying to put some discipline into them and he is leaving so there would be little point in me going there. That's fine and it saves the phone call I was about to have with them.
Things work out for the best sometimes.
Gosh - 2 weeks since dad died! I'm still not sure where I am with that yet?
Never been out of the Village
Don't know why this popped into my head but it was interesting to hear this from a number of people up at the Hospital where my dad was. Some people arriving at the Hospital who had never been "this far" from their home and some nurses who had never been further than the largest biggest town (Norwich) in their life.
I recollect finding this strange when one of our cleaning ladies in Croydon had never been to London. I'm not sure what I think about that having been privileged to travel to North America and around Europe. I haven't been much further than that yet but goodness, to never have travelled even a few miles away from your home in all your life shows a certain lack of ambition or interest. Of course, it could be that I don't really get why you'd not want to explore - I can't put myself in their situation it is so alien to me not to travel and explore.
I recollect finding this strange when one of our cleaning ladies in Croydon had never been to London. I'm not sure what I think about that having been privileged to travel to North America and around Europe. I haven't been much further than that yet but goodness, to never have travelled even a few miles away from your home in all your life shows a certain lack of ambition or interest. Of course, it could be that I don't really get why you'd not want to explore - I can't put myself in their situation it is so alien to me not to travel and explore.
Monday, July 16, 2012
That was nice
Now that DID choke me up. Not the ceremony but the Chancellor asked all the Graduates to stand, turn around to us behind them and show their appreciation for all we had done for them - very emotional moment. It was something else to see my oldest daughter get her Degree today. She looked great in her regalia and we were at the Royal Festival Hall on the South Bank and so have some nice photographs. The ceremony was very nice but with 450 students being congratulated it was quite a busy afternoon. We then managed to get an earlier train and then off to our evening meal.
It was a lovely family day and suddenly I was really choked up about it because my dad would have loved seeing the photos of A. My mum will love them of course and A is the first in our line to graduate. However she isn't the first in the overall family line and my cousin graduated some time ago.
The meal was a nice happy affair and so it has been the end of a lovely day and I just hope A enjoyed it as much as we did.
It was a lovely family day and suddenly I was really choked up about it because my dad would have loved seeing the photos of A. My mum will love them of course and A is the first in our line to graduate. However she isn't the first in the overall family line and my cousin graduated some time ago.
The meal was a nice happy affair and so it has been the end of a lovely day and I just hope A enjoyed it as much as we did.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Home - Chill
Home last night through the rain and managed to get home in around 2 hours which was fine. Today, I am going to chill out and just take it easy, it's been intense and upsetting of course. More so that I kept pretty much composed throughout (well someone had to) and we were able to give dad a good send off (as well as these things can go of course) and I managed to do the tribute and I changed the last bit - which I got hung up on - from Goodbye to So Long which worked quite well. I might take some excerpts and put them on here at some time so will see how that goes.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
A Little Black Humour
Sure dad would have seen the funny side - it rained really heavily and as we drove past the canals and rivers, through the flooded roads it came to me that had dad realised it was going to rain this hard and for this long he could have saved his money and have been buried at sea :-)
My brother has managed to settle right down and was much more like his usual self. It seems such a shame that he got himself in such a tizz about things. However, knowing how uptight my dad was and his battles with depression (and mine) I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. After all that grief he did well, he toned down his eulogy and he didn't seem to overdo it on the sentimentality. When mum asked him, he said that he did enjoy the service and that's the main thing. A balance between solemnity and humour as dad was a great joker and never really wanted any fuss.
I'm sitting here at my mum's house. She's having an afternoon siesta - she probably has a year's worth of sleep to catch up on and so I'm watching the golf and trying my best to be quiet :-)
My brother has managed to settle right down and was much more like his usual self. It seems such a shame that he got himself in such a tizz about things. However, knowing how uptight my dad was and his battles with depression (and mine) I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. After all that grief he did well, he toned down his eulogy and he didn't seem to overdo it on the sentimentality. When mum asked him, he said that he did enjoy the service and that's the main thing. A balance between solemnity and humour as dad was a great joker and never really wanted any fuss.
I'm sitting here at my mum's house. She's having an afternoon siesta - she probably has a year's worth of sleep to catch up on and so I'm watching the golf and trying my best to be quiet :-)
Friday, July 13, 2012
Mmmm - So HOW are you meant to feel?
I do tend to worry about myself some times. So are you meant to be in bits at your dad's funeral? I wasn't ecstatic when I got my clears - you'd have thought I'd leap for joy. Today I was OK, measured, and there for everyone. We sent off dad as well as could be expected and we laughed and joked about him and some of the stuff we jointly enjoyed. Even my brother came through it pretty well. My tribute went down well - I think.
So there you go, that's dad's funeral out of the way and I'm glad that it went well eventually. The strife I went through with my brother and the strange thing is that his wreath wasn't there. I took it in last week. He had gotten it from the Royal Corps of Signals and it wasn't there with the other flowers! Oooooppppss. I'm not sure if he noticed - I hope he didn't. Anyway, he was good and whilst it was sad it was also humorous and I managed to make a few people see the funny side of life with dad.
So there you go, that's dad's funeral out of the way and I'm glad that it went well eventually. The strife I went through with my brother and the strange thing is that his wreath wasn't there. I took it in last week. He had gotten it from the Royal Corps of Signals and it wasn't there with the other flowers! Oooooppppss. I'm not sure if he noticed - I hope he didn't. Anyway, he was good and whilst it was sad it was also humorous and I managed to make a few people see the funny side of life with dad.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Spoke to the funeral celebrant
And my Uncle, Aunt and Cousin turned up to the house and then went on to the Hotel. My Uncle is my dad's older brother. His younger brother can't get over from the US. It's been a long time since they'd seen mum and they haven't seen my brother for 20 odd years, his son - well never seen him and his daughter perhaps when she was around 16 or 18 I guess as I took mum and her to a party.
I think that is terribly sad but sort of gives you and idea what I'm dealing with here. Anyway, I've written then eulogy and practised it a few times. I've had a few beers and a some tea and I "Think" I am ready for the morning now. My wife and daughters are coming up tomorrow and on the way picking up the mobile phone I bought for mum but that had failed to be delivered.
So all is set ready for dad's funeral and I hope that I can get the very last bit of my eulogy out, it's an interesting few lines, I managed to get it - I think - just right - a touch of sincerity and a touch of humour too..
It's a difficult line to tread, my brother has turned into some religious zealot and we've got a humanist type service with a little bit of "religion" in it for him. Believe it or not, this explains everything (kind of). It now makes sense in a way of all his strange postings in facebook but of course, he doesn't practice it, he does it for himself. That really is different. So it's been like treading on egg shells. I thought he'd explode when I said to him that reading something and understanding it were two entirely separate things. By that I meant that he'd pick up something, copy and paste it but the problem was that he'd not get it's meaning. For example his poem that "He'd died tragically young". Well at 81 years old and after a year of being ill, you'd have to stretch that a little.
However, here is the main thing, after tomorrow he may finally just settle down a bit. He's taken it all very badly. I seem to be relatively stable - not sure how tomorrow will go though, it is, after all, my dad. There is something more important than that and that is to ensure that I do my dad's memory justice and deliver the Eulogy as best I can. It's as much for mum and my brother, my wider family and me that I should say these kind words. Words, I hasten to add I'd probably say to him myself and words that express the fun we've had in the main and express slightly the solemnity of the situation. I fear that my brother's printed eulogy, in the order of service is just the most awful gushing, embarrassing, self centred and guilt laden pile of pooh I've ever had the misfortune to read. It acts as a confession of someone who has never quite come to terms with the situation and who doesn't feel comfortable with their relationship and borders on the sentimental and a justification of "his" positioning in this.
I doubt anyone would take him to task. I've asked him if he felt that it was wholly appropriate and added in any way to dad's memory rather than an admission of his own guilt.... Oh well, we let it go and we let it ride. Mum hates it, I hate it, I don't know if anyone else feels similar but it is just an annoying side show. I hope that I will redress that and that I will be able to give a proper eulogy that reflects the humour and fun as well as a good idea of who he was as a man.
I think that is terribly sad but sort of gives you and idea what I'm dealing with here. Anyway, I've written then eulogy and practised it a few times. I've had a few beers and a some tea and I "Think" I am ready for the morning now. My wife and daughters are coming up tomorrow and on the way picking up the mobile phone I bought for mum but that had failed to be delivered.
So all is set ready for dad's funeral and I hope that I can get the very last bit of my eulogy out, it's an interesting few lines, I managed to get it - I think - just right - a touch of sincerity and a touch of humour too..
It's a difficult line to tread, my brother has turned into some religious zealot and we've got a humanist type service with a little bit of "religion" in it for him. Believe it or not, this explains everything (kind of). It now makes sense in a way of all his strange postings in facebook but of course, he doesn't practice it, he does it for himself. That really is different. So it's been like treading on egg shells. I thought he'd explode when I said to him that reading something and understanding it were two entirely separate things. By that I meant that he'd pick up something, copy and paste it but the problem was that he'd not get it's meaning. For example his poem that "He'd died tragically young". Well at 81 years old and after a year of being ill, you'd have to stretch that a little.
However, here is the main thing, after tomorrow he may finally just settle down a bit. He's taken it all very badly. I seem to be relatively stable - not sure how tomorrow will go though, it is, after all, my dad. There is something more important than that and that is to ensure that I do my dad's memory justice and deliver the Eulogy as best I can. It's as much for mum and my brother, my wider family and me that I should say these kind words. Words, I hasten to add I'd probably say to him myself and words that express the fun we've had in the main and express slightly the solemnity of the situation. I fear that my brother's printed eulogy, in the order of service is just the most awful gushing, embarrassing, self centred and guilt laden pile of pooh I've ever had the misfortune to read. It acts as a confession of someone who has never quite come to terms with the situation and who doesn't feel comfortable with their relationship and borders on the sentimental and a justification of "his" positioning in this.
I doubt anyone would take him to task. I've asked him if he felt that it was wholly appropriate and added in any way to dad's memory rather than an admission of his own guilt.... Oh well, we let it go and we let it ride. Mum hates it, I hate it, I don't know if anyone else feels similar but it is just an annoying side show. I hope that I will redress that and that I will be able to give a proper eulogy that reflects the humour and fun as well as a good idea of who he was as a man.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Glad when it is over
Hadn't quite realised how "ill" I feel, I'm not actually ill but I must be stressed. I've finalised the Eulogy and checked it out with the Funeral Celebrant. Just waiting for confirmation that my running time at close to 10 minutes is acceptable. I can take it down to 8 minutes but it has taken about 10 hours to write it, edit it and bring it down from over 20 minutes to close to 10. There is so much to say and recollect but perhaps I will write that down somewhere else. Dad's journals are around too somewhere. Mum has kept them and I wonder if she will continue?
I feel stressy I have to say and I've been taking some indigestion tablets today and in fact for a couple of days to be fair. Mmm, well there's a clue then if I'm getting acid it's pretty much an indicator on that side.
There's a huge thunderstorm overhead right now - we've had months of rain and it doesn't look to be stopping much as far as I can see. I hope it stays off for Friday or isn't too intrusive.
I feel stressy I have to say and I've been taking some indigestion tablets today and in fact for a couple of days to be fair. Mmm, well there's a clue then if I'm getting acid it's pretty much an indicator on that side.
There's a huge thunderstorm overhead right now - we've had months of rain and it doesn't look to be stopping much as far as I can see. I hope it stays off for Friday or isn't too intrusive.
Oops close to 10 minutes
I chopped my family tribute / Eulogy down to what I though might be 7 or 8 minutes but it is more like 9 and a half. So have sent to the celebrant to see what she makes of it and whether it can be cut down a bit. Will see what she says.
Anyway, it is printed and ready to go and I need to read it a few more times as there are some tricky bits in it to get my teeth around!
Finally beginning to feel it and it was good last night to be in an exclusive club - that's all of my friends have lost their dads now. Three to cancer and one to a massive stroke, add dad in and that's 4 out of 5 deaths related to Cancer.
Anyway, it is printed and ready to go and I need to read it a few more times as there are some tricky bits in it to get my teeth around!
Finally beginning to feel it and it was good last night to be in an exclusive club - that's all of my friends have lost their dads now. Three to cancer and one to a massive stroke, add dad in and that's 4 out of 5 deaths related to Cancer.
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