What a day today has been since the moment I woke until now around about 10 pm my whole head has been in turmoil and in the most awful place. It hasn't all been black and despairing like it was years ago but it shook me completely and it took me quite by surprise catching me fully off my guard.
It didn't start like that at all it started with a vivid waking dream that truly upset me and then it morphed into the blog posts you see below here. I feel I've fought off the Devil and his hordes today. I'm exhausted and found myself to be far more fragile than I thought I was. I thought I'd toughened up a bit in the past 6 months. I'm certainly physically fitter, another belt notch today and stomach is beginning to go flat - yay hay! But for sure, my head isn't strong and then of course it became blindingly obvious what it was. Was glad I kept writing and eventually found out what was bugging me. I'm in for a full slap from my mate Flocky Bicep for over analysing but hey, I'll take what's coming, this is just a blip in the process but an annual one that I must get ready for next year - I never ever want to feel like I did earlier today it was awful.
In many ways, you do live this stuff out yourself too - not too many people to help you. I have a couple of friends who will help and one who had the same experiences as me at the same time so we really do "get it" and bless him he was also not in a great place today. So July is my bogey month - just have to deal with that as time goes by. Tomorrow I am being taken out a few days early for my birthday which is on the 4th - my father died last year on the 3rd so I had a strange birthday last year.
Had a very good friend text me this evening and that suddenly turned me around and I feel so much better and whilst I'm emotionally drained I feel that it is over now and the blog posts helped purge the soul and I can calm down now and just get over it.
In effect there are some very poignant bits of those posts which I will leave as they are because they came straight out of my head as I was typing. It shows that you may have to deal with some strange things going on in your head long after you feel you were cured.
I hope I have a good night's sleep tonight I don't need any horrific dreams or sad ones either for that matter.
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