Life's Ups and Downs

STOP this roller coaster I feel sick :-)  Oh boy the light headed feeling I get these days as I continue to wean myself off being inward looking is utterly bizarre.  At once it can be liberating and then as fast as you like, I feel sick to the pit of my stomach and I am way, way outside of my comfort zone.  

My head just can't handle the signals and me stopping (or trying to) analyse them.   I am up and down sometimes for just minutes.  10 minutes ago I felt quite sick and it was that I am trying to do some serious work and my head isn't focussing and working properly - it is taking me hours longer to do than I first envisaged.  My typing skills have deserted me and there I am thinking this is a good thing to be doing to myself.  You know what, it probably is for I'm beginning to feel alive and that's part of the target.

I feel good about myself, I am getting thinner and feel better, fit, healthy, alive and the best I've felt certainly since before I had Cancer.  Emotionally though these recent days have wiped me out I've had the horrible, horrible lows of Monday to great highs as well but they flick from minute to minute even.  For a control freak it's disturbing but not unexpected I suppose.

There are bittersweet moments when I can see that things are great and yet look back and think it would have been far easier to be sitting on my arse and reflecting :-)  I'd still far rather being doing things that challenge me, slowly and a bit at a time that's what I'm doing.  The key to eating an Elephant is that you can't do it all at once you have to eat a bit at a time, that way you can eat it all.  I know this, it is after all what I've done for years but now I have to do it and virtually "Eat my own dog food" I find it so difficult even though I know it to be the thing to do.

I'm getting there - putting myself through the mangle every day and having huge highs and equally deep lows.  Patience is a virtue.  I like the one-liner "God, please give me patience, and give it to me NOW!" :-)

I'll just have to accept that I'm going to be messed up for a while yet and just try and work through it.