Moving On

This is good, my mind is clearing and getting rid of all the cr@p that was in there, I walked past the Hospital and thought to myself - that I'd walked this road many times but today it didn't matter - I knew I'd have to still walk this path after my cystoscopies but it doesn't matter anymore it doesn't make my heart sink and whilst it - of course - must hold some fears about recurrence - it can go to a lower place in my mind from now on, it doesn't need to be at the forefront of my mind anymore.  Move along nothing to see here.  

As the problems that dogged my mind these past 7 years start to melt away and become background noise and as I take more steps to free myself up I realise that I should have done this years and years ago.  For all the right reasons I didn't and I wonder whether I should have but of course, that is in the past and it didn't happen and I didn't do it so not much to say other than You must learn from history and not repeat the past (unless it was good of course).

I said sometime ago that I felt a big piece of me died way back in July 2006.  It was like another sort of cancer took over in my head then and filled the dead areas.  Look back at my 2206/07 blogs and I talk about the voices, the evil voices which just gnawed away at your self confidence and took you apart and ridiculed you and made you feel small and worthless.  I always felt that cancer strips you of everything like that it takes away self belief, self esteem, confidence (like you can't believe) and it takes you to the lowest ebb sometimes.  And yet, I tried to keep cheerful throughout it all but it did affect me.  It ground me down and even today there has to be the uncertainty of it coming back or that you are somehow more susceptible to other cancers having already got one.

The battle inside your head is as big a battle as you have under the surgeon's knife and the treatments to ensure it doesn't come back.  

Then you survive and wonder why, or what purpose there may be and then off you go and try and search for what that might be.  My belief is not strong and I spoke to people who talked through much of that with me.  I tried different things and worked around my illness and maybe I should just have gone back to working in that corporate jungle I'd come from?  Probably not....  Still not sure unless needs must.

Right now, I am relieved of so many of the burdens I've just spoken of.  I don't actually know where I'm heading at the moment but I know that I have cast off many of these past burdens and millstones.  Freed of most of these and others fading and becoming less important, it feels great to have my mind back - or at least it is coming back.  All the anger and frustration has now gone and whilst not everything is there yet - it is like someone has just vacuumed my head out and take all the cobwebs away and I can rebuild my confidence, my belief and my life.  Not good "stuff" still lies ahead for me to tackle but I've finally addressed the Elephant in the Room and as my mate is often heard to say I've had to eat the Frog.  Or eat your own dog food as I once also heard it.  I hesitate to say it took 7 years, more likely 5 years I suppose.  Everything comes to he who waits unless someone gets there first of course? :-)

It's great to walk into the light and blink at it's beauty and wonder just what the hell have you been doing for the past 5 or 6 years?  The Prodigal Brain has returned :-)