Two Weeks In - Can You See the Real Me?

MInd out a bit of "adult" language in the clip!!! Then this clip came to mind.

After two weeks I can relate to this album so much and finally I'm getting my head around things.  It's hellishly complicated and what in my life hasn't been eh?  It wouldn't be me without convoluted issues and twists and turns going on.  I feel as if I've finally "seen the light" and not so much in a religious way although I'm certain that there is some underlying connection so let me expand.

Two weeks ago today I set off on a voyage of change and discovery.  All my life I've been a cold calculating machine of a guy.  I doubt that I was ever spontaneous or just did things for the craic as they say.  Sure I had a lot of fun but in reality I was the one keeping an eye on the rest and with few exceptions I'd dump them and go home rather than lose control of myself say for example we were out drinking.  I'd be the one scanning for any signs of trouble and keeping everyone safe and out of harms way. I'd do all the planning and organising because that's what I excel at (see what I did there stuck in the spreadsheet program!)

For years and years I've done the same thing and I can't help it, it's in my DNA, it's who I am.  My Psychometric Profile is that of an INTJ. Here is what an INTJ is like from this site.  

The INTJ personality type is one of the rarest and most interesting types – comprising only about 2% of the U.S. population (INTJ females are especially rare – just 0.8%), INTJs are often seen as highly intelligent and perplexingly mysterious.  INTJ personalities radiate self-confidence, relying on their huge archive of knowledge spanning many different topics and areas. INTJs usually begin to develop that knowledge in early childhood (the “bookworm” nickname is quite common among INTJs) and keep on doing that later on in life.

When someone with the INTJ personality has mastered their chosen area of knowledge (INTJs can find their strengths in several fields), they can quickly and honestly say whether they know the answer to a specific question. INTJs know what they know and more importantly – they are confident in that knowledge. Unsurprisingly, this personality type can be labelled as the most independent of all types. INTJs are very decisive, original and insightful – these traits push other people to accept the INTJ’s ideas simply because of that sheer willpower and self-confidence. However, INTJ personalities do not seek nor enjoy the spotlight and may often decide to keep their opinions to themselves if the topic of discussion does not interest them that much.

INTJ personalities are perfectionists and they enjoy improving ideas and systems they come in contact with. As INTJs are naturally curious, this tends to happen quite frequently. However, they always try to remain in the rational territory no matter how attractive the end goal is – every idea that is generated by the INTJ’s mind or reaches it from the outside needs to pass the cold-blooded filter called “Is this going to work?”. This is the INTJ’s coping mechanism and they are notorious for applying it all the time, questioning everything and everyone.

INTJ personalities also have an unusual combination of both decisiveness and vivid imagination. What this means in practice is that they can both design a brilliant plan and execute it. Imagine a giant chessboard where the pieces are constantly moving, trying out new tactics, always directed by an unseen hand – this is what the INTJ’s imagination is like. An INTJ would assess all possible situations, calculate strategic and tactical moves, and more often than not develop a contingency plan or two as well. If someone with the INTJ personality type starts working with a new system, they will regard the task as a moral obligation, merging their perfectionism and drive into one formidable force. Anyone who does not have enough talent or simply does not see the point, including the higher ranks of management, will immediately and likely permanently lose their respect.

INTJ personalities also often shoulder the burden of making important decisions without consulting their peers. They are natural leaders and excellent strategists, but willingly give way to others vying for a leadership position, usually people with Extroverted personalities (E personality type). However, such action can be deceptive and maybe even calculated. An INTJ will retreat into the shadows, maintaining their grip on the most important decisions – but as soon as the leader fails and there is a need to take the steering wheel, the INTJ will not hesitate to act, maybe even while staying in the background. The INTJ personality is the ultimate “Man behind the curtain”.

INTJs dislike rules and artificial limitations – everything should be questionable and open to re-evaluation. They may be idealists (impossible is nothing) and cynics (everybody lies) at the same time. Whatever the circumstances, you can always rely on the INTJ to “fill in” the gaps in the idea – they are most likely to come up with an unorthodox solution.

Generally speaking, INTJs usually prefer to work in the area they know very well. Their typical career is related to science or engineering, but they can be found anywhere where there is a need of intelligence, restless mind and insight (law, investigations, some academic fields). INTJ personalities rarely seek managerial positions – if they do, this is probably because they need more power and freedom of action, not because they enjoy managing people.

Every personality type has many weak spots and INTJs are not an exception. There is one area where their brilliant mind often becomes completely useless and may even hinder their efforts – INTJs find it very difficult to handle romantic relationships, especially in their earliest stages. People with this personality type are more than capable of loving and taking care of the people close to them, but they are likely to be completely clueless when it comes to attracting a partner.


The main reason behind this is that INTJ personalities are both private and incredibly rational – they find it very difficult to understand the complex social rituals that are considered part of the dating game, especially in Western societies. Things like flirting or small talk are unnatural to them; furthermore, INTJs (especially females) tend to see typical attraction tactics (such as feigning disinterest) as incredibly stupid and irrational. Ironically, INTJs are most likely to attract a partner when they stop looking for them – this is when their self-confidence starts shining again. There are few things that are more attractive than the unrelenting self-confidence that INTJs are known for.

If I were to write what I'm like I'd probably write that.  I find the last two paragraphs particularly interesting as I don't get any of that at all :-)  It at once tells you all that is right and all that is wrong with me.  I live in a world where my brain is in overdrive all the time and it never stops whirring and thinking and coming up with ideas, trying to sort out where I am, what I'm doing here and thousands of other computations.  I have great friends - they know this I think - I get "taken out" of this land on occasion and try and let my hair (what's left of it) down.  

What changed was that I found that I didn't want to live like this anymore.  I wanted a different life, to try and be the opposite of what I am, to act spontaneously without thinking too hard about it.  To do things without analysing why I was doing them.  A simple walk in the park is not a simple walk in the park for me.  I am reminded of the film a Beautiful Mind although I could only wish to have a mind like the one portrayed in the film.  

Here is the possibly the extreme of my particular problem and if you've seen the film you will recognise the torment that can be my head sometimes.   I think about everything and I research and strategize - I don't always get it right and I alter and adapt I understand my subject - even if it is new to me I will become a subject matter expert quickly and I will use that knowledge and build businesses or help someone that is my great gift and a gift I now recognise it is for it serves me particularly well and generally only lets me down occasionally but it doesn't let me live life, get on with life, enjoy life for life's sake, wonder at the glories of the world without wanting to capture and dissect the butterfly to see how it manages to fly.

Since bladder cancer came and woke me up to the fact that I was mortal - for I had not strategized on that much - I had no real idea of the outside world in terms of beauty and wonderment.  Niagara Falls when I visited it was a stream of huge numbers and statistics not a wonder of the natural world.  My eyes experienced things in a different way and I so much wanted to just experience these things for what they are wonders of creation and our world.  There's so much cynicism and anger in this world and yet beauty is all around us and I saw it as a science project not an experience to be savoured for the emotional reactions it made in your body - you see I almost started talking about the chemical balances and what happens in your body when you smell or sense or see something.  

So - hope you are with me so far?  I looked back at my blog and the "troubles" I've encountered and I've encountered more than I thought these past 7 years and it is 7 years today that it all started.  Through early guilt and trauma, dealing with staring at death, dealing with treatment and the shock and awe that regime meted out on me.  The post traumatic type stress and the utter fatigues afterwards and my aimless wandering in the employment vacuum.  Just some of the stuff I've endured and some I am sure is self inflicted some goes with the territory and I wouldn't wish cancer on my worst enemy.  It is a devious pernicious disease that eats you up mentally and physically.

So I wanted a change and someone came along who spoke to me of a different world and a different life, different value systems and above all the simple things in life, those simple pleasures we all take for granted UNLESS you happen to be like me that is.  It sounded wonderful and I determined that is what I must do.  I must forget logic and plans, risks and issues, contingency plans, safety nets needed to go, it needed to be a concerted effort and a leap of faith to get myself out of where I was and get on the route to somewhere better.

It has been the most difficult transition of my life it's really hard work to keep to it.  I feel like I'm Mr. Spock being asked to play a parlour game.  There's no Logic to it and that's the thing isn't it, to throw all that stuff away and stop pulling the wings off flies and seeing everything like a scientist does.  

I had the most awful day I can remember for such a long time yesterday and finally dawned on me that today 7 years ago my life really did change in a big way.  I lost my dream job and I lost a huge chunk of my life really.  I lost my self confidence, my self belief, my ego, my self esteem.  I lost my dignity - you can't believe what lying down on a bed without your trousers and pants in and having instruments shoved up your Penis can do to you?  Maybe you can - must be more than 40 times I've had that done to me maybe more.  There's no dignity in cancer or its treatment, there's mental torture and there's pain, there's hope as well but mainly in just gets a big bat and beats you around the body and smacks your brain into porridge.  

So there I was wallowing  in my own head for all this time and now I've been shown a way out and this hand is extended towards me to pull me out of this pit of self made inward looking almost narcissistic behaviour.  It looks good and this hand of friendship is given without precondition.  Come and savour a new life, one without inward reflection, without all the analysis and theorising, come out into the sun and blink at its magnificence, come and meet new friends, enjoy their company (and they yours), walk upright into this brave new world. 

Then the most difficult thing for a scientist to encompass surely is love. For surely there has to be love and it has to be unconditional and it has to be true.  I struggle with this of course because it's all chemical signals and stuff but that's the point.  Instead of it being a load of chemicals and pheromones and stuff I need to rethink my ideas and let go and let everything in that I've batted away for so long.  I am trying to get to a state of mind where I will be able to be at peace with myself, to actually like myself (I hate myself at the moment) to build my self esteem, self confidence and self belief back up and to love myself for what I am not hate myself for what I am not.  Once I get that into my head I can perhaps open up to enjoy my life again and perhaps find a life and find love to go with it.

Here's hoping that I don't screw this up and can keep to the plan - arggggh there is no plan remember! :-) Oh yes it has to be fun and it has to be joyful as well .  Not much to ask!