And So Wednesday Dawned

And with it a new day in my return to health and my return to sanity.  Not that I was insane by any means - no today like many others presents me with - not a lot actually - nothing to really look forward to.  I've a little work to do - that will take all day but I don't need to be in attendance.

My car which was fixed last week is unfixed and needs attention so the mechanic is coming around to look at or fix it.  

There's no one in the house apart from me.  I'm happy with my own company but presently not so good in the head area with so much going on in there.  It feels like the rudder has come off my ship and I look back and feel that for the past 7 years there probably has been a screw loose at least :-)  Well I thought it was funny.

Here's my dilemma even though I can't tell you exactly what it is.  I need to make a big decision and I mean a big one.  It is the right decision for me, I'm pretty certain this is the answer.  I know it in my intuitive brain to be so.  My practical brain is pretty much certain that it is the right decision and I think that yesterday after a day of cross examination by my friend on Monday, I pretty much arrived at that decision too.  The problem then is that all actions have consequences and they affect other people.  What is right for me, may not be right for them (conversely it may be right for them - I can't see it but it may be so).  I dislike the idea of hurting anyone (OK some people on my "pay-back" list).  That's my dilemma in a nutshell   It isn't the decision itself - that's pretty much made and I know it to be the right thing to do. It is hurting and affecting other people through that decision and some of them are just passengers (if that makes sense) who are innocent bystanders in my view of the world.

I'd like to think that lots of people who know me want me to be happy, in fact I know so.  For me to be happy, am I prepared to upset people I know and care about?  Bloody tricky isn't it.  I like to think that the one thing I hold true is how I empathise with people, I very rarely do anything that I consider to be a selfish act, I wasn't brought up that way and I've lived by those rules all my working and home life.  It is very rare that I will do that but it appears that I may not have much choice in the matter and that I may need to just act.  Procrastination isn't a good thing - it makes things fester and I can't continue to do that, I need to sort it out once and for all.

I want to be out of where I am now in a pretty desperate rut because I don't really know what to do with myself in terms of the boring stuff like having to make a living earning some money and I just can't get past the first steps at the moment because there is something holding me back.  Sure, doing "something" will make me busy and keep my mind off things but I'm afraid it isn't solving the real problem I'd be addressing the symptoms and not the cause and so I go around again in a circle.  I really don't want to work in Corporate life anymore - I can't stand all the politics, nor do I want to go Contracting - it was great earning all the money and the work was good but I was hardly ever home.  I no longer want those. I can hardly get started at the moment in my own plans because I know that I need to make this decision first.

Anyway - still in the rut but know what I have to do about it.  It isn't going to be pleasant though so will just have to man up and sort it out and bite the bullet, step up to the plate and stop talking in cliches :-)