The Battle Rages In My Head

 Soon, I will be clear of the Business ties and the woes that went with that.  You go from one extreme to the other a happy going concern and then human self destructive tendencies take over.  The utter betrayal I felt then is still eating away at me but not so much as it did then and I realise now that I wasn't in control,  as I usually am, then and that I've let it go, done the right things but it leaves a sour taste as to yet another person using me.  It should have stopped way back when I had the opportunity to do so.

That it didn't is just the way it is.  I cannot change history but neither can I get rid of the "being used" aftertaste either.  At the moment I am running an internal battle and I know that I shouldn't be doing that but it is very difficult to stop it going on.  When I do manage that, all is well.

These demons are self made, not real and part of me that are not allowing me to move on.  Sure, they are less than they were a few weeks ago but they are still there and still giving me disturbed nights (and days if I'm honest about it).  By that I mean they need to be fought and most probably by the very same part of my head that is generating them, it's like a pair of squabbling kids in my head, one is doom and gloom and self loathing and ugly and disruptive, the other is calm and logical and peaceful.  One comes up with objections and nasty thoughts and the other tackles these only for another thought to emerge as each bad thought is defeated.

An ongoing cycle and one that I win occasionally.  I know that all of this isn't necessary and that I can do something about it but it takes a lot of effort to continuously fight this.  Now I do not have the very real distraction of work to concentrate my mind on, the space left has been invaded by this civil war in my head.  I can clear it for minutes, hours, days at a time but the bad thoughts come back to haunt me and with that the spiral recommences and manifests itself as it does both internally and externally.  

I am working on getting out of it but it is whether I can be disciplined to do it.  A good excuse has been the weather of late too hot to do anything physical or trying to work in the office.  As the summer slowly abates, the nights draw in, I need to actually do things and achieve them but more than that, I need to get rid of these thoughts and banish them where they belong.  They are almost without exception negative and cruel and they should have no place in my head at all.  Who knew that retirement would bring all of this to the surface once again.  Of course, I have beaten this in the past and I will do so again.  

Once you've beaten it, keeping it away from returning is the next thing as I don't want to feel like this again it is so destructive.