Stuff - Not Working

 What a week.  So now my VHS to DVD converter has stopped working - I did think it was possible after I did someone's VHS tapes that disintegrated and when I opened up the unit I had a fair amount of cleaning to do but still it isn't working properly and so I have a choice to either throw it out or give it away or perhaps contact the chap who fixed my TV when the back-light went a year or two ago.

I seems that many bits of equipment just don't last like they used to.  Added to the problems with the Pump and Immersion heater earlier on, it's another thing to go wrong!  And of course, more money and money I wasn't expecting (with the pump) and so I am being a bit cautious about Christmas as I took money out for that but it has been eaten (or I think it will as I haven't got the bill yet) through unexpected expenses.

Whilst I've paid for some stuff already, the credit card could seriously melt down in the next week or two dependent on the overall costs coming in!

Oh well, it's only money as I am often heard to state.  The new version of the App is ready to rock and roll and will go live tomorrow and then I need to decide what I am going to do in terms of running or closing the business.  Even after all this time, I am not too sure what to do.  I am still in two minds as in many ways, walking away and closing it all down is the easiest option.  No pressure, no more sleepless nights, no idiot writing to me and annoying me etc.  However, the new version of the App does look much better when compared to its predecessor and who knows now it has the correct age limit on it, we could get some downloads.  Yes, difficult decisions to be made.  

Oh well, it's Sunday and I think I will just go and rest up for the remainder of the day.  I've spent too ling on the VCR and perhaps it is for the best that it goes - it is not as though I have any further use of it, other than as a DVD player! 

We The Willing Led By The Unknowing

 "We the willing, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much, for so long, with so little, we are now qualified to do anything, with nothing". Attributed to Konstantin Josef Jireček, it is likely a modern adaptation and does not appear in his documented works.  I've seen it attributed to lots of different people so let's just go with this one for now.

Following the Chancellor's budget where just about everyone was made or are about to be made poorer I reflect on whether it is worth continuing the business?  I guess that I wouldn't expect to see profits for a good few years and so, perhaps, it is academic but they've already shown scant regard for the people or for businesses and so it could and is likely to get worse.  It's Socialism and they always spend lots of other people's money.

It's a day or two after the Budget and the US has been on Thanksgiving and so who knows what they'll make of it?  The debt spiral isn't averted and the ever hungry public sector is perhaps the real Black Hole that they imagine is giving us problems.  "And do tell me Chancellor, is this "black hole" in the room with us now?"  

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised by all of this, the politics of envy has always been thus and those that voted for the Labour Party from historic reasons of "We've always voted Labour in this family/town etc" or from some sort of protest vote have found out what we knew all along.  High Taxes, lies, broken promises and failure to tackle the areas that need it and dodge the Frog Eating that is required of brave government and ministers - they don't exist anymore and they look after themselves and their fellow trough eaters rather than those they are supposed to serve.  

Things that have always failed in the past are repeated as if they will miraculously succeed this time.  When I worked in Code Red situations it was always the lack of leadership, loss of project or financial control that appeared to blame (along with other mitigation stuff not implemented or thought about more likely).  The one we see quite often is the spreadsheet project manager.  Example:

It takes 500 men to build a road in 6 months - so it could be done with 3,000 in a month.  Or we could get 9 women to have a baby in a month and so on.  There are specific reasons that this cannot happen - biological in the latter case but in the former, you'd have too many people all together at once you cannot tarmac the road without the foundations and earth works having happened and there's the supervision and everyone getting in each others way.  Not if you are the labour government.  They can magic money and throw it at a problem and because of the woeful non business class politicians and civil servants the money may just as well be set on fire for all the good it will do.

Another example and one I have tackled a number of times is paying overtime to catch up or get a job done.  Overtime was never priced into a job (or you wouldn't have won it) and so when you start paying one and a half or double the rate to get the same amount of work done you very quickly have a problem that you burn through your money and the job still isn't getting done faster or better as there's a sort of Laffer Curve with productivity and hours worked too - especially when people are working more than 40 hours a week and are beginning to get fatigued.  The simplest mathematical calculations would demonstrate this but the trap is to fail to see that you are paying extra money for the same amount of work and the more you do that the quicker you run out of money.

Let's see what the markets make of it.  From a business perspective, it disincentives me wanting to build it as they have increased taxes on success - the better I do the more money they take from me in stealth taxes.  Is it worth it?  No matter how elegant and leading edge my product is, the risks I have taken and the real struggle to get it to market you sometimes wonder "Why do I bother at all?" 

Best Of Intentions - Ooh Look, A Squirrel!

That sort of day.  I was going to be doing some filing but my brother called me up to say that our Mother's DNA test results were in and as mine were in a few days ago, I have been distracted seeing the results and connections.  What is nice, is that it has closed down a bit of hearsay about one relative, confirmed another connection and just 18,000 + other connections.  I can see some of the names jumping off the page at me and of course it has been a total distraction from what I was meant to be doing.

I guess the filing will have to wait once again as I get dragged deeper and deeper into the family tree and connections.  At least I will have something to say for my yearly newsletter!

It it's possible I have also managed to spend way too much money on things today getting an early start for Christmas and taking advantage of discounts on various sites with Black Friday offers.  Using "The more you spend the more you save" as a by word I have at least managed to get my Christmas beer supply in.  I don't have anywhere to store it at the moment so I need to get on and make some more room over and above that I have already made.

Well, I'd better get back before something else distracts me!

Ooh Look, A Squirrel!

Are We Nearly There Yet?

No not yet. I'm still getting little things done and have made some room this week clearing away loose paperwork and the like getting rid of a large box of books and CDs so far and I have dispatched my family history journals off to someone who will appreciate them.  I'm pleased about that.

The App has been updated and submitted for approval and hopefully this will settle down a few minor bugs and set the age range correctly which was a problem as it looked as if it was for 17+ only  not 4+ that we designed it for.  One misunderstood check box will do that to you! 

And then there is whether I wish to continue to run the business or not.  Given Rachel Reeves shite budget it doesn't look as if it would be worth it really as they'd just thieve more of the profits and like everyone else take no part in the risks of the business only trousering the money from its success!  

So serious thought needs to be applied to this I think still.  I'm not nearly there yet either.  The new version looks great and the main problem is getting people to find it and download it.  So I also need to look at effort versus achievement and so on.  Will putting a lot of effort in actually deliver anything.  All the time there's the bloke throwing bricks and so I need to do the right thing for myself and for the business.  It's removing the emotion from the decision that is difficult.  

Whether I invest a little bit more effort into the business is the decision that I need to crack.  Having put in 9 years so far another few months probably isn't going to matter much but can I be bothered and will I still feel as depressed as I do now?  The causes of that aren't all to do with the business either.  It's going to be difficult to work this one out because it isn't a simple spreadsheet-able solution!  It would be good if it was.

The Art Of Percolation

 I used to love our Percolator.  My parent's had one which happily glugged away ready for our strong after dinner coffee and I bought one when I moved out from a jumble sale that lasted a good 20 years until I got a Mocca Pot and a Filter coffee machine.

But of course I am not really talking coffee here but rather the slow percolation of thoughts and ideas as whilst I do have Eureka! moments I think they are actually the result of much thinking and brewing of ideas getting stronger as they percolate through my grey cells.

It's a bit like where I am now in my deliberations about whether to continue the business or not.  Ideas are forming and slowly coming together.  The finished article isn't honed yet, it or they more likely, haven't had time to fully form and become whole.  I have spent a good month thinking and planning and getting the stuff out of my head and on to paper but that isn't good enough this time because to continue requires an element of commitment that I am not sure I want to put in only for this evil old man to continue lobbing bricks at me from the 'safety' of his solicitors but somehow, I cannot see these are their letters, rather his printed on their paper as some of it doesn't read or appear right to me and to spell his name incorrectly a number of times and to badly format the points seems as if it is just a top and tailing exercise to me.  So do I want the arse ache?  Can I be bothered?

Of course the other side of me says "Give it a go" as you won't know unless you do.  There are benefits and disadvantages to it all and one of these is whether I have the courage of my convictions which have been somewhat eroded by his constant attacks on me.  

Are you doing it for the right reasons? Is it now me that wants some sort of revenge by not taking it any further?  So that's why my mind is in turmoil and there's the commitment and reward (if any) as well.  Back to the percolator and back to letting the ideas brew a bit further I guess.   We will get there in the end I have no doubt.  

Urgh This House! Honestly How Many Bodges

 The house has so many bodged bits of work and the previous owner was a Joiner but I doubt that.  The wood working in here is not finished off well, there are gaps and rough edges, nails protrude which I have sorted out and so on.  The old kitchen fell apart and I've had the boiler and high pressure tank replaced.  The pump decided not to work the other day and so as it was maintenance time anyway, I asked for it to be replaced which has duly been done but then the engineer wanted to show me something.  There was no power to the socket where the timer was and I hadn't checked that myself, I had done all the usual checks with fuses, checked the time switch worked elsewhere and it did so surmised that the pump was gone.  Oh dear, no it wasn't but too late the pump is now replaced.  The bad news was that the cable behind the socket was all burnt up and then we found it was attached to the Immersion Heater.  That had been used some years ago when the old boiler broke down and it wasn't wired correctly and had melted the cables and the MCB had gone which I hadn't noticed.  So we have had to alter the wiring and disconnect the Immersion.

So once again, there's a problem that hadn't been picked up and once again it's a bodge and a bloody dangerous one at that.  The cable was the wrong size and was run off of the socket which again is a big no no!  FFS if it wasn't protected by the MCB we could have had a burn and that wouldn't have been good now!  At least we know and at least we have a new pump anyway.  The water is back up to pressure which is great too.

A nice chap doing the work and everything is now serviced and maintained for another year!  

Just anther bodge cost to be added to the rest of the bodges!

Do The Right Thing Or Do The Easiest?

 We had a motto at one of the businesses I worked at which was "Do the right thing!" of course it was misinterpreted and misused but the idea was sound and in reality it did mean exactly that, you did the right thing for the customer and not for yourself - it probably wasn't explained that way hence the confusion and misuse.

Faced with my current thought problem I am wondering whether the right thing is in fact the easiest thing?  Just to walk away and shut it all down is very appealing as that's it, you do exactly that and walk away.  Sure someone might complain but so what.  It's the Budget tomorrow and so we all might do that LOL. Alternatively I can push ahead say for 3 months and reevaluate things and then continue or walkaway.  Such is the nature of this business that it is either going to fly or die and so it will become apparent quite soon I would imagine.

I like the idea of walking away altogether and shutting it down as that concludes the journey in its entirety. I can throw all the stuff into storage (7 years) and then that's it.  Of course then you wonder whether it might have flown or not so the balance I am having at the moment is whether to give it a three month push and see where we are or just shut it all down and have done with it.  Ego says the former, heart says the latter and so I need to spend a bit more time evaluating it and deciding what to do.

There's an element of time versus risk versus reward and that to me is the equation that needs to be solved somehow. After tomorrow there may be an element of is it financially worth it too.  This government has no understanding of business, motivation and reward and the harder you work it appears the more they punish you and so the decision may be made for me if they punish entrepreneurs further than they already have.  It may not be worth working hard if all they do is punish you more for doing so.  They don't see it that way because they are driven by ideology and cannot see the damage they inflict on others in pursuit of their Utopian ideals. 

Are You Doing Something For The Right Reason?

 I pitch this now as I am in my inner head state looking at what to do next and it occurred to me that when I fully evaluate what I am going to do next I really need to concentrate on whether (or not) I am making the decision for the right reason.

By right I mean that I, for example, am harbouring not great thoughts about the bloke who has been attacking me since he made the decision to unilaterally withdraw from the business saying he wanted nothing more to do with it financially or manually.  So am I doing it (not decided yet) to get back at him? Show him (me) I was right all along.  If I shut it all down who am I doing that for and so on?

I am going to now work on this aspect.  I've done the work life balance which was very bad indeed and the Wheel or Life exercise scored bad in every element.  That's not good and points to other things that need to be reviewed and tackled - I know some of those but it isn't a good start.

Then there are financial and time constraints and the impact on my personal life (albeit the above exercise points to me not having one LOL).  

Intuitively I think I know what I really ought to do but the nag is that it probably isn't what you should do and will there be regrets etc.  Before this all kicked off and I was left holding the baby so to speak, I had a clear idea of what needed to be done and how to do it.

Simply, if I close the business down it all goes away no matter what he says or does the business will no longer exist.  If I continue he is likely to be a bad actor.  In many ways this is just a side worry to the rest of it.

I do need to make sure the decision I eventually come to isn't based on some ego remnant - it needs to be clearly based on facts and data and not how I was "feeling" when I made it :-) Easier said than done as after all he has done to me in the past year, even though it worked out in the end in my favour eventually, I find it hard to forgive or forget that he railed against me the way he did because of (potentially) hurty words and hurty feelings! FFS.

The New Super Power. Gormless

 Ahead of this week's Budget you have to wonder about the suitability of the current government.  A complaint about speculation on its contents slamming the MSM and yet they have been leaking like a sieve and flying kites all over the place.  It's as if they don't know what they are doing. Wait, correction, they definitely do not know what they are doing.

They really are acting out the sort of playground insults from pre-pubescent children and throwing around insults and coming up with schemes that are stupid, wrong for the current situation and based on ideology and certainly not sound economic principles.

On Wednesday we will know what they are going to do, or attempt to do.  Right now, it all looks self destructive and doomed to failure.  There just doesn't appear to be any grown ups in the room at all.  So out of touch are they that they cannot see how despised they are and how this version of socialism should stay as a text book postulation for surely everyone can see that if you increase and continue to increase spending but do not have sufficient income to cover that let alone the huge debt burden that it isn't going to work out well? 

Margaret Thatcher made a remark in a 1976 television interview for Thames TV's This Week, where she stated: "...and Socialist governments traditionally do make a financial mess. They [socialists] always run out of other people's money". 

Well here we go and so far all I can see is a series of "get rich" schemes being floated out there but, of course, if there isn't the money out there in Tax Payer world then it's not going to happen.  Spreadsheets are notoriously bad at this, they show a linear increase in income from taxation and ignore human behaviour.  When you see the money being taken from you and given to someone else and generally wasted it changes your behaviour.  I am sure that those who are self employed will find ways to avoid some of the draconian impositions on them now being imposed.  

They don't know what it is like to run your own business and now heap extra paperwork on them - quarterly tax returns as an example.  When IR35 came in under the last socialist government (and the Tories didn't take it away even though they said they would) I just changed the way that the business worked.  Resulting in taking on less work at increased costs and creating more leisure time and paying less taxes at the same time.  Dropping below the tax thresholds too and so I did the minimum I needed to do and whilst I didn't get a full year's work, I did just enough to keep me happy and pay the tax man what was due on that work.  Why work harder and longer to fill in more forms and pay out a greater % to the government who risked nothing? 

If you've run businesses you know that you must incentivise your people with reasonable and achievable goals that add to their pockets and their self worth.  If you don't you drive different behaviours that detract from the overall goal and do the opposite.  Penalising people for their success is not how you do it.  Why should I work harder to give that to someone else who hasn't worked at all for it?  Give it to faceless bureaucrats who waste it and I know plenty about that having watched these people at work.  

Anyway, the car crash will be arriving on Wednesday and we will see what level of stupid we will get.  The damage done last year is coming home now as it works its way through the system.  You could say the damage is done already but it feels like this is a doubling down and I'm not sure that the majority of people are going to be quiet about it.   

Breakfast With A Friend Resetting Your Thoughts

 So a breakfast yesterday with my friend, fellow cancer survivor and all around good guy was interesting.  I wasn't as bad as I was last time I saw him and it was fortuitous as I needed him to sign my LPA so that was good.

We share many common things, music although not the same sort of music exactly, we've worked together and seem to have worked with some of the worst "managers" in the world.  Business wise we developed a business many years ago that was a real journey.

I always come away reset, refreshed and with new thoughts and ideas.  That's great in many ways I think.  I am setting about cleaning my office out and just throwing stuff away.  I never really use these books and CDs and notebooks and so they can just go.  I am trying to make sure as much gets recycled as possible and so I am just checking everything and if people want them, they can have them (books and CDs that is).  They aren't worth anything these days and as more people stream music the less CDs are used.  There is happily a charity that will come and collect such items and so I am going to get in touch with them and arrange a collection.

I then realised that I no longer do two things I used to do (three if you count that I rarely watch TV these days too).  I do not read as much as I used to and I do not listen to my music as much as I used to either.  As for TV I watch on Monday nights as there are two programmes I enjoy 'Only Connect' and 'University Challenge' and that's about it.  If there is Rugby or Formula 1 then I will watch those on TV or if not on YouTube.  It just doesn't interest me but then that's been the whole year or two really.  All these things I used to do, I no longer do. 

I feel there's a shift here but I cannot work out quite what that might be.  I've been up and down a lot and the business isn't really helping and in fact I am still undecided on whether to actually make a go of it or not.  I cannot make my mind up whether it would be best to just shit it down, give it a go under strict exit criteria or something else (I have no idea what that might be).

So something has shifted that has distanced me from the things I used to enjoy towards a more inwardly reflective introverted style of living and that probably needs some analysing as to why I have steered away from my usual to this quite solitary hermit like state?  

Getting Through The Paperwork

 I write a lot on here but in reality I write far more on my writing pads than I do on here.  I have just found and shredded my writing pads from 15 years back - when things were changing a lot in my life and I was trying to work out what to do next.  I haven't read them only glanced at them and just shredded them as they are meaningless now.  There's hours of thoughts and ideas written onto paper which is how I discuss ideas with myself!

I write a lot and work through ideas and problems using pen and paper, mainly text although I see a few sketches I did which certainly needed to be shredded!   It's all about making sense of the stuff that floats around in my head.  As an INTJ it goes with how my mind works and how I analyse things.  It's why I was ideal for highly technical tasks when I was younger as I could work my way through huge documents and diagrams and work out how things worked and where there were problems.  There was another guy who was also similar to me and he was way faster than I was at seeing problems in wiring diagrams.  I'd probably see them but would validate before noting, he could just use a red pen and circle things that "didn't look right" 

The stuff that I have now shredded and made room in my office include three files of family history notes now scanned and stored safely, three work notebooks and general odds and sods paperwork lying around.  I am hopeful that I can work out what to do with my lovely business books.  I doubt I will ever use them so perhaps sell what I can and those that aren't of any use I can take to a place where they recycle books.  You can find most things online these days and with AI to help you can focus in on specifics if you so desire.

Difficult Decisions - Why Are They So.....

 Well, difficult!  I am taking a break from the business after all the recent nastiness and I am tackling things I should have done years ago!  Yesterday was to scan and then to shred all of the single record records I have kept in a file and never looked at past the original work I did on each of them.  That's one file done and hundreds of records now safely saved in the family history archives.  

Today my new shredder arrives and I can really get to tidying up years and years worth of information that I no longer look up, read or need.  If it might be important it can get scanned and then shredded.

Other documents and books can be given away to worthy causes.  I have boxes of journals that can go and I need to just release my hold on these now worthless things.

The business decision is not going to be easy.  Do I run with the business after all this time or do I just shut it down?  I am not sure because one requires me to undertake a load more work and one means I can just walk away!  I am struggling with this still because it's the end of one journey and the start of another or it really is a terminal event but I get my life and time back.  That too is attractive.

I will carry on reviewing this nut not for too much longer as I need to make a decision and it is hard because both options have merit and there is a third part way option I guess but it still involves working.  I'm meant to be retired and yet here I am working out about running this business with this interference from someone who "Does not want to be involved in the business ever again!"  yet throws bricks in from the side.  Hopefully not many more but why bother with it all?

And Let That Be An End Of It

 Another solicitor's letter but this time, as always pretty full of what I should and shouldn't do, it sort of draws a line under things and leaves stuff hanging in the air a bit like a bully saying "And let that be a lesson to you!" after nothing has actually happened.  It throws accusatory stuff but doesn't actually do anything about them because it's wrong but hey ho.

As usual it shakes you up even though you were expecting it but after 5 minutes this time I just treated it for what it is and it can be filled between toilet paper in the file.  It ends with a short of "I'm keeping an eye on you" but so what?

It now makes me need to work out what I am going to do with the business.  Run it forward or shut it down.  I am still deciding and this has just made me wonder a little more about whether it is worth it?  I think that I should "give it a go" as I can easily shut it down if it doesn't get anywhere and I haven't gone out of my way to sell it so far.  I'm a bit surprised that no one (apart from a handful) have downloaded it but that's now my "problem to solve" I guess?

Two parts to the argument run it or close it.  If I close it then I can walk away and be retired.  It would make sense too, no more hassle and whilst this bloke might moan, there will be no one to moan at.  If I run it then he may well keep sticking his oar in but there is a way to deal with that now and if successful then that too goes away.  Decisions, decisions.  I don't have to rush to do this either.

In other news, the first file has been scanned and the papers shredded which is great.  Another file can be started later.  That probably just needs shredding though.  Gradually we are going to get there.  Gradually but it isn't going to happen quickly but that's one thing down so progress.  

Milestones or Millstones?

 Having procrastinated for too long on getting things done I now find that I am at the tipping point in terms of where I am given the pretty horrible 6 months to a year I've had.  Getting the heating sorted in the house is one thing I can get off the list next week when everything gets serviced, the circulating pump gets replaced (or repaired) and we can draw a line under that for another year - it was a year ago that I ended up paying for the new tank which was the price of a small second hand car!

Now I have finished my meetings for the year - the journey wasn't too bad as they have temporary traffic lights there now not a full closure and I was diverted that way as my short cut was also closed, I can not be distracted by such things and I intend to get on with a number of little tasks intended to give me small step victories along the way.

So today I will tidy up my desk, papers and files in short achievable bursts.  There is so much paperwork that I have had to keep (7 year rule) that I can now dispose of and I probably need to get a more industrial shredder as I am not certain my budget one will last the course.  So much stuff to get rid of - boxes of stuff.  BUT only a bit at a time in short manageable chucks.

If I can just get a few bits done I will start to make progress and that's important rather than recoiling at the scale of the problems - Elephant Eating as we used to call it.  You cannot eat an Elephant in one sitting but you can eat a whole Elephant one bit at a time!

Relax For A Moment

 It is difficult to relax when you earnestly think that you need to be doing things or that I should be active and it really is strange when you realise that, actually, you don't need to be doing something, just sitting here is OK, it's not a sin to spend a little me time and not be involved in some task or other.

I checked the repaired chair and glued it up a little bit more and spent a little time just working out what I need to do.  Today is dustbin (recycling) day and I can do the bins etc shortly and then get ready to go out to a meeting - the only problem with that being the ridiculous roadworks and the lack of thought about shutting off two roads together.  It should be finished by the time I come home but I just have to do a large circular diversion to get there.  A Lodge meeting invited by my friend who gets his 30 years certificate tonight and he informs me is doing some work too.  Nice, a meeting and a meal with good company.

I can get back to doing things tomorrow.  Sorting out the office is first on the list as there is so much old paperwork to go through and then to scan and I think just throw it all out - most of it hasn't been looked at for 7 or 10 years and if I need a copy I can scan it to my Server and find it that way.  I need to make space anyway as I have so much accumulated stuff from the businesses that I don't use - I had these all those years ago and I haven't missed them so they can be disposed of hopefully the books can go to a good home.  My law books (how I could have done with those earlier this year) can possibly go to someone who will need them more than I do now.

So many bits and pieces that I must decide what to do with and dispose of them - if they aren't used then what's the use of them?

For now, I just need to relax and chill then decide what to do next and how to go about that.  Just working for the sake of being busy isn't actually achieving anything and so I just need to be smart and effective, work through the odds and ends but not have to be actively busy all the time.  I think the "Does it really matter" phrase has worked and these things don't matter - it doesn't need to happen right now for it to happen and it doesn't all need to be done at once either.

Fixing Stuff

 Chair fixed with dowels and glue - hopefully this gets it fixed once and for all!  I've spoken to the Heating Engineer and they will come next week to service the boiler, the megaflow and to sort out a new pump!  More money but I knew I'd have to get it done yearly anyway.

What else?  I am keeping my eyes open for the roadworks for tomorrow.  They've shut off one of the main roads around here and it's been shut for at least two months whilst they do some utilities works.  The detour is a bit of an out of the way thing but there is another route that I can use to go through the back lanes and guess what?  Yes, they have just shut that route too so I will probably have to go the very long way around to get there too!  Oh well, it should be open on the way back and might be finished early - we shall have to check it out.  Who plans these things?  They obviously aren't local and the number of times you drive around this area and roads are closed and the diversions mean.... absolutely nothing as they don't tell you what you are meant to be diverting around.

Apart from that I think I have repaired most of the things that are broken and I have just received my super glue so we can din the ornament I dislodged from where it was balanced! You can't make it up.

A few more things to sort out and I can work out how to dispose of a box full of books of mine that have turned up. I doubt I will use them that's for sure as they were all to do with my consulting days - I think my law books might be in there. I could have done with those earlier this year of course.  Hey ho!  

How Many Things Can Go Wrong At Once?

 How about 4 things all at once!  The chair I repaired with glue that could hold anything together failed! So that now needs dowels to really fix it.  Ordered arriving tomorrow!  Water pump timer - they don't last long and sure enough 18 months in and it needed to be changed.  I bought two (and now ordered two more) as they don't seem to make water pump timers that can withstand the inductive load of switching on and off.  So that is done.  

A new outside light but it is so cold outside I need to go find my gloves and a coat to fit it.  I'd forgotten that I had ordered two PIR and only one arrived and I forgot to reorder or sort that out.

The gate (once again) needs sorting out - that's heavy duty mechanical stuff so I need to work on that when the wind isn't blowing and I can get some big wrenches and spanners to adjust the brackets.

I broke the model rabbit which for some unknown reason was placed near the light switch so when you reach around to turn the lights on you launch the ornament into oblivion.  Superglue is on order too!  I hate the way people put things close to the edge of shelves and so on - being Health & Safety trained it drives me nuts to see it.  Of course it was my fault!  

So that's enough for one day - I just need to get on with the outside light in a moment when I find something warm to wear :-)  

It Slowly Dawned On Me Last Night

I was watching the Snooker and had a few beers and as I am want to do, I nearly always have a notepad and pen with me.  I was going through a slightly different exercise to the Wheel of Life and just wrote down a couple of lines.

This was along the lines of "What do you want to do?" then the "Do you have to do it?" "What if you didn't do it?" and then the Eureka line which was "So what?  Does ANY of it actually matter?" And, of course, it doesn't matter at all, none of it does.

I had been playing with the Eisenhower Matrix where tasks are prioritised between Low and High, What is Urgent or Significant and what is Not Urgent and Insignificant.  I had also been working on my requests for my Lasting Power of Attorney so this was if I get ill or cannot do things for myself and I wonder too if that added to the overall thought process I was going through?

Whatever it was, the outcome was a smile and a rest back in my chair and it became clear that it doesn't actually matter one way or the other.  There's no pressure to make the business succeed, there's no reason to get all stressed when things don't happen or go wrong particularly.  

The LPA stuff is interesting as there is a Finance and Property one and a Health one.  I guess it was the health one that was particularly useful as I actually put down this year's unpleasantness along with my other "problems" and so it admitted that it had taken it out of me, had added to my lack of "well-being-ness" if there is such a thing.  When you write down your wishes, about the future and list out what's happened to you in the past it starts to align your thoughts and also provides some focus on what might be before us (Care Home, Hospice etc) and whilst I was listing all these things out I reckon the old grey matter was sorting things out for me!

So things changed at that moment and a lot of the body stress fell away (I don't think the beer had anything to do with that) and I felt a lot lighter than I have in a while that's for sure.  It also means that if something doesn't get done on one day, so what, it can happen the next day and I don't need to be turning the screws on myself.  I am and always have been very hard on myself and it doesn't help that I'm the sort of person I'd hate to work for either :-)  So, this period of reflection has been really useful and I can actually approach the next few weeks where I am working out what to do with a quite different light.

It doesn't matter and that's the point now.  In addition there are lots of things that I really don't need to do and lots of tasks that aren't important either.  Neither do I need to spend hours and hours doing something where I can do one task, get it done and that's it.  No more overload and pressure that, after all, I put on myself it's not anyone else that's doing it.  Let's give it a go and see how this works out. 

No Couldn't Bring Myself To Do It

 The trouble of being a matter of fact type person is that I don't dress stuff up and whilst I may attempt to be subtle it never really comes out that way.  If you are dealing with someone who is generally emotional and takes things the wrong way then you have to work really hard to get it right and pick your moment.

The trouble is that it may not be seen a problem in their eyes, they may become defensive and so on.   I don't think in their terms and so I still need to think it all out.  Oh well I will keep trying I suppose.

Eating The Frog - Again

 Given the pretty rough year I've had I am attempting to reset myself and review life, the universe and all that good stuff!  Using the Wheel of Life system is one way to go about it and it has actually started my thinking off in the right direction.

The business and financial sections are OK, I know where I am but the personal life and home life sections?  Well, they are a different matter and oftentimes when you are looking in one direction you are ignoring what's behind and to the side of you.  These sections on the wheel are throwing up areas that I'd rather not go down but of course, that's what they are there for.  You have to reflect on all these aspects and the truth is, I don't really want to because I know that things aren't really right there.

So it's eat the Frog time.  No one wants to eat the Frog, it is green and brown and slimy and probably tastes awful but as we used to say, you need to go and do it and cannot continually kick the can down the road.

I have found the trauma and stress of the past 6 months to a year really bad for my health and I feel it more now than I ever did.  The decision before me now is one of flight or fight although not in an adrenaline fuelled way.  If I walk away and shut it all down will we ever know if it was a go-er or will it mean that I can just retire, wrap all this stuff up, have a bonfire and recycle all the rubbish, cancel all the other associated stuff?  If I make a go of it, how long for, what does success look like and when to call it a day?

The exercise to review this is useful but the personal stuff is not (to me).  The questions need answering as I don't want to be doing the right things for the wrong reason and vice versa.

Lasting Power Of Attorney

Well I need to deal with this now and get my wishes down.  All very matter of fact really and all very difficult as you are instructing your attorneys of your wishes should you be unable to do this for yourself.

It is strange writing out my health wishes as I keep much of this away from my family and now I have to explain certain traits and health conditions that they may not have been aware of as I have hidden them from it.  My depression and up and down nature of that is one area that I find strangely OK to write about but I am not sure that they know the depth of it even though they've lived with it for a number of years.  It will be interesting to see if they pick up on it I suppose.

The other stuff is pretty interesting to write about and should just reinforce that so much stuff is transitory in nature and deserves to be treated as such.  Part of my review I am doing over the next few weeks in reality.  The balance of work, life, relationships etc.  

I am forcing myself to do a 'Wheel of Life' review and it is actually difficult because I absolutely know what I need to do and the inner fight is real.  Of course I've always known, it's the curse of an INTJ the intuitive bit rises to the surface now but it was always there and deep down inside the direction was set.  The trouble is that the conclusion isn't palatable at all, it isn't what I want and it really isn't the answer I was looking for.

Now, I will spend some days reviewing things and actually arriving at that conclusion and then having to make another decision whether to go with it or avoid it and that will be an altogether different proposition.  The mind is putting it off and trying to avoid it LOL.

Time To Reflect And Decide

 Well here we are with new information and some ideas about going forward.  It was a good meeting and very much as I thought would be the case and so now, armed with that information, I can start to think about moving on.

I can at least work on the basis that some things are just not going to happen easily and quickly.  So in some ways one arm is tied behind my back unless the business flies and that isn't by any means certain at all.

It's now that the risk intensifies and so that in itself needs to be considered.  It is a gamble and you just don't know how this is going to go especially with the Budget coming up too.  Whether or not that will affect the business is another thing altogether.  

For now, I need to do some "Blue Sky" thinking and then make a decision.  I've already allocated some money to prop the business if needed and so covered off the possibility that we can last into Q2 next year (our Q4).  We don't need that many sales to make a go of it but those sales have not come yet despite some advertising although I probably need to up my game on that to make it more attractive.

Anyway, it's time to stop randomly attacking bits of the business and time to put the nastiness behind me and see if I want to go on and run the business or just shut it down and have done with it.  It was interesting that the bloke who's been giving me all the grief has once again written to the developer! What is interesting about that is that he more or less doesn't believe it will get to market - interesting comment.  It just goes to prove that no one read the statement I put out where I explained that we had.  They still voted against me/the business anyway.  Turkeys for Christmas anyone?

Anyway, a period of reflection and review.

OK That Was Useful

 I was going to walk but a bus pulled up within a few minutes so I got that and it meant I arrived in good time for the Remembrance Day Service - not part of the plan but it was good to attend and be part of.

Met the developer had a good long chat, ironed out a few bits and very much reinforced what I'd guessed was or had happened.  I also got some further feedback about the ex partner bloke giving me so much grief.  

So I now have a way forward (or not) to consider and whether we can get to market or not with the other version is, as I much suspected, a long long long way off.  The investment in time and money as I predicted was all spent in the wrong way and on targets not attainable even now.

But at east I know what I am dealing with and it isn't great and he knows that I am just as likely to pull the plug as to go ahead.  He does have a problem that if I sold the business it may give him a huge headache.

Anyway, I think I have a clearer view ahead now and let's hope that I can cover off most of the issues we have.

Nice to get busses to and from town - saves a 45 minute walk each way and also saved my poor old hip which is a lot better but may not have been up for quite the pounding a 90 minute walk there and back would have given it!

First Review Steps

 Off to meet the developer chap.  He's just 7 years late and only half delivered and so the conversation is going to be "interesting" to say the least.  I did fire a warning shot across his bows a year ago and now we are half way along but I need to review where we are and where I am too.

After a few days with a gammy leg I feel a lot better today and so I am going to attempt to walk into town to meet him.  It's a 45 minutes walk (brisk) but I will most probably take a little longer than that.  It should be an informal chat I don't want any problems and he's not the sort to give that to me either.  If there are problems I can get the bus which runs every 30 minutes so it should be OK either way.  It's not meant to be raining but hey, drizzle!  The Met office, can't get the weather right in a 30 minute window but can tell you what the temperature will be like 100 years from now!

So the review.  I am going to see what this guys is going to do he can deliver or he can refund, I just need to know what it is to be really.  It will determine my thinking and what actions I take from now on.  The bottom line is that I realise how much it has taken out of me with the uncalled for bombardment from the other chap involved.  I can push forward or I can shut it all down and as my mind stands right this minute, I really don't mind which one I do.  I am erring on shut it all down and have done with it which in reality is the easiest and possibly the tidiest option.

The Constant State Creep

 It was interesting to listen to a podcast that explored the role of the State.  You probably already know my position on things like Lockdown and the over reach of the State in that.  It goes back before that of course perhaps to the early 2000s maybe the financial crash of that time and it just goes on and on.

We now have politicians telling you how many drinks (containing sugar) you can and cannot have.  They just continue to chip away at liberties and steal our money and tell us it is good for us!  It is beginning to feel (to those of us awake enough) almost oppressive and I for one intend to start to ignore all of this and go and do my own thing.  If you don't obey the orders or get around them, what are they going to do?  It is meant to be Government by consent and I never consented to this nonsense and so that is my push back.

They want to control many (if not all) aspects of our lives but it's time we all pushed back and said no.  Too many people are happy to be ordered around and told what to do.  When I was managing programmes and projects it was amazing to me that so many otherwise highly intelligent people didn't actually know how to go about their jobs, they had to be told what to do, how to do it and when etc.  

I see that they have whispered they may introduce pay per mile for electric vehicles.  I imagine they'll use the onboard inter connectivity of the cars.  I doubt they have sufficient cameras set up to do it across the country.  Let's see if they do introduce it what the push back will be?

It's oppressive, if you let it be I suppose but it needs to be reigned in - we will see where the next budget leaves us.  Being taxed until the pips squeak and on top of that monitored all the time must surely start the asleep to wake from their slumbers.  

Often Happens

The road was meant to be closed but it wasn't, the roadworks were easy to get through.  So easy was it yesterday that I arrived in 35 minutes not my usual 45 as all the lights were green, there were hardly any cars on the road and I just sailed through.  It happens doesn't it that you plan to account for such things and actually, it was no where as bad as you thought.

Anyway, it was good to catch up with a number of old friends and have a chat and enjoy myself too.  Glad I did it as I often say to people, it's normally much better than you thought it would be.  Being an INTJ I am not overly good with people but I have learned how to do a bit of small talk.  As we all hadn't seen each other since May (a long break) it was easier to catch up.  

I feel better than I have done for a while, friends do that for you and it was a special meeting with quite a bit going on.  Somehow I have injured my hip and upper leg and putting pressure on it is quite painful.  Sometimes it is fine other times I get a shooting pain and can barely stand on it!  I hope that it isn't something serious.  For now I've put some cream I have on it and hope that helps.

In other news I am meeting the developer for a beer or three on Tuesday and hope that we can come to an accord on what is going to happen next.  I think I know the answer to it but I want him to run through the options and I want him to come up with the solutions.

I have an open mind on it at the moment, I am just going through the various scenarios and working out my exit strategies.   Who wants or needs all of this stuff at my age?  I think I'd rather be enjoying my retirement than fighting investors seemingly wanting to block progress?  They cannot have it both ways and so I just need to have a strategy document and a decision tree sorted out so I can make an informed conclusion and action plan.  Balancing business and monetary with emotional needs is the "fun" part of these exercises.  How do you correlate a set of life styles against profit and loss?  

Whilst it sounds complex it isn't really as intuitively you know what you are going to do some time before you get there with this exercise.  Will money drive you or your lifestyle?  If you earn more from the business then will you have a better life style? What are you willing to sacrifice for it and so on.  It throws up all of these points but the only thing that will matter is will it deliver what you want?  I think this will be fun and worth the effort to either run with it or decide enough really is enough and have done with it.

Life, The Universe And All That Stuff

 I find it crazy that I am retired and yet I have no time to be retired at all.  This business has kept me busy for years now and for what good it has done me, I may have well as dropped it years ago and just gone out and been retired.  So that's actually the thing isn't it?  What the hell am I doing working on something that now it's done (well half done to be fair) and I've taken all that flack about it no longer feels worth the effort.  

I've just stopped working on it as my heart isn't in it anymore.  I need to make a decision to either run with it, halt it or pause it and the investment in time and money is part of a complex equation around what to do next.  It's one of those thing that can go well if I invest a lot of time and effort, over and above what I've already done, yet, I have lost interest and don't really want to anymore.  Such is the impact of the attacks I've received that if I walked away today, I don't think I would feel anything anymore, it would be a relief.

No doubt once I've spoken to the developer and find out what he is likely to do now I will be better armed to make a logical decision on which way to go.  For now, it's in the balance I feel.  What's the point of using anymore of the life left to me if it is just to fend off attacks from enemies of the company?  If I close it, they too have nothing left to complain about.

It's messy though but I am certain that I will have an answer in the next several weeks.  Who needs all the negativity and uncertainty when I can shut it all down and all that disappears?

Review Incoming

 I've done this before and I suppose life cannot really be planned and neither can it be predicted.  I am in the place where I am through a set of circumstances way out of my control (or are they?).  A project 9 years late, a supplier who has only half delivered a six month project in 8 years! An ex disgruntled business partner who feels that it is appropriate after walking away and leaving me with all the problems to start throwing bombs and brickbats at me despite the fact that it was his actions in the first place that caused this.

All of that can go away in an instant if I shut the business down.  It's a simple enough process to achieve and after a meeting this week I will form an opinion on whether or not to go down that route.  The reasons are that I've had enough of it.  The excuses, the blame game and the accusations from people who have never been involved in the business and I don't actually need this.  

Many years ago I was being (we will call it bullied) harassed by a whole team taking their lead from a senior manager and despite me calling it out to his and my boss it continued unabated for around a year.  I worked through it all and the customer was very supportive and saw what was going on too.  I delivered the part of the project that I was tasked with and whilst it was delayed through others actions the customer was delighted and I received a glowing testimonial.  Two things happened.  I felt the fuse was about to blow (my fuse) so I walked out, spoke to my boss, took two weeks off sick leave and then the second thing happened which was that the customer went ballistic at the business and rightly so.  I'd been warning them about this for a year that all the while everyone was busy making my life hell the customer was watching and making notes.

They had forgotten that they worked for the customer, by making my life hell, the customer could see that the other work was not being done and so as I left, no one had worked out that the delay meant they only had a few months left to deliver the overall project (mine being the enabling design to be used).  They had spent all their budget doing nothing and now the design was approved, they had 3 months left to do 18 months work.  

I was in a self imposed rehab, they were all to lose their contracts and be booted out leaving behind the good guys who would implement the job.  There was a little satisfaction watching it all crumble to dust around them and when I reminded them I had predicted this over a year previously and regularly at management meetings, it probably didn't help that they'd shot the messenger and not dealt with the message.

And here I am again, a little charred around the edges, certainly burnt out and not actually living my best or enjoying my current life.  The Black Dog was really bad this time and I am old enough to know that I shouldn't have got to that spot at all but sometimes when you fly solo you don't have the benefit of team members.

I have two outcomes to the review very binary yes or no to continue and I have plans to think through about it all.  In one way it is the sin of pride that makes me want to make a go of this.  I also have the other view which is "Is this what I want to do with the rest of my life?"  It will be interesting no doubt.

Nothing To Fear Except Fear Itself

 The phrase "nothing to fear but fear itself" is a quote from Franklin D. Roosevelt's 1933 first inaugural address, given during the Great Depression. He used it to encourage Americans, stating that nameless, unreasoning terror paralyses action and that the nation should instead focus on converting retreat into advance by addressing the country's challenges. 

Somehow I am still fearing another solicitor's letter or something like it coming through the post to continue this year long erosion of my mental health.  For I am feeling it in terms of the doldrums of my life, the inactivity and procrastination it heaps on me.  It really is as debilitating as the cr@p that's been thrown at me and I find it hard to actually get up and do things.  I do actually do things but it takes forever to motivate and then actually achieve something.

It's been a year to forget and now I am just looking at it all and wondering "Why the hell did I bother?"  If all I got out of it was feeling ill, stressed, shaky and unwell, what was all that about and is it going to continue to cloud my life like it has?

I see that the things I did to combat all of this over the past 12 months both consciously and unconsciously have indeed provided a solid foundation should there be any further actions although I have no idea what they might be.  I did and said all the right things and set out facts and logical arguments.  The last actions too were well documented and decisive.  I still don't feel right or good about it but I MUST remind myself that none of this is of my making and I have attempted to negotiate but been met with a blank.  If you do not attempt to work out whatever problem you have even though you have been offered the opportunity it bodes ill if you try legal action as if you haven't even attempted to resolve your differences, then you aren't going to get far.

Still I feel bad about it and it is because I could not get any engagement to resolve the issue that he alleges he has.  When I heard that it was because he felt I was treating him as if he was stupid the penny dropped.  The difficulty dealing with non technical and non commercially aware people is that they don't understand the subtlety of some of the points and do not understand the words used.  For example confusing revenue with ownership.  Once stuck in their head they will not take you explaining it and it becomes your fault that they misunderstood completely what you were saying.  

After that, things had to change and that too then compounds the problems and down the rabbit hole we went.  If your only tool is a hammer you treat every problem as a nail and it gets worse and worse and eventually there is no easy way back from your dilemma.  The nail is bent and badly bashed and cannot be withdrawn without ruining the materials around it.  Instead of stopping and reviewing and working our way out of a problem, you double down and just make matters far more disagreeable and harder to resolve with each angrier effort.

So I do fear the postman coming along with yet another threatening letter or worse and really I shouldn't  I hope it is all over but that may not be so.  I need the Fat Lady to sing and then it will be! 

Good - Another Thing Ticked Off The List

 That's the car sorted out which is good.  A little work to do in the New Year which looks to fit in nicely with a trip to the dentists which works out nicely.

At least I wasn't walking around for hours yesterday like the last time.  I was able to drop the car off, get my hair cut and have a big breakfast and then I got the call that the car was almost ready and so that was good, a slow walk, a coffee at the mobile snack bar and collection done.

Next week I have a meet with the developer and we will have a few celebratory beers and a chat about where we go next and then that will set my agenda for what to do next.

I've been weighing up the pros and cons of trying to make this work to just shutting it down and so in those terms, the chat will assist me in deciding what's the right thing to do.  

The App and Business have ruled my spare time and spilt over into most of my time and for who's benefit?  I need to consider what my decisions points are and what's important to me:

• What do I want
• What is success or failure (and does it matter)? What do they look like?
• Health and Wellness
• Home
• Personal
• Hobbies
• Life
• Relationships

Sorting out what is important to me in life.  I sort of inherited this business and ended up be default running it for the best intentions and have only had grief and misery in doing so.  The easiest thing to do is to shut it down entirely, that would get rid of the baggage I am carrying and it would draw a line under it all.  It's pretty easy to do, I just need to decide whether it is right or not.  Let's see what the meeting next week will tell me and add that into the mix and then I can review it and decide what to do to move on. 

In my heart I think I know what I need to do and I need a compelling reason not to do it.  If I start with the answers as what is important to me, then I can consider what to do after that.  

In reality it's an exit strategy from the business as who needs the hassle and trouble of it all when you don't get rewarded or recognized for actually getting it to market? 

Surprising How Little Things Increase Your Wellbeing

 I enjoyed the meeting yesterday and whilst it droned on a bit - some people have no idea of timeliness and dither and waste time, we ate late and I got home quite late too.  BUT, it was nice to meet up with some of my friends and have a nice meeting, meal and few laughs too.

Another meeting on Saturday and that will be three meetings in one week - almost a record!  Today the car passed it's MOT and whilst I need some work undertaken on the brakes next year, all is well.  I parked up, booked it in and then wandered over to the barbers and had a haircut followed by a blow out cooked breakfast and wandered slowly back past the river and explored some footpaths I have never been down before to the trailer nearby where I had a coffee and a small bar of chocolate.  The car drove past me on its test drive and I wandered over by the time it came back to the garage and I am now home.

So things are relatively on an even keel at the moment which is good.  I need to pick up the finances and banking for the meeting which I can sort out this afternoon and then I can get ready for Saturday and do it all again!

I am feeling a bit better than I have done for a while and I just need to try and maintain that balance.  I have to say that the last six months have been pretty bad on my mind and my body but I now have a few months to work out what to do about it.  

Off To Another Meeting

 I feel nervous and shaky but I am going to go to the meeting and see some other good friends whom I haven't seen since July, I am sure I will feel better when I see them and have a chat.  No judgement there and just supportive nice people.

A few minutes left before I go and I am just making the most of a quiet time.   

When You Are Not Thinking Clearly

 It has been a hell of a six months for sure.  It is interesting that it has been around five months since I last went to a Lodge meeting and I was actually quite cheered that I went and I had a good time.  It was nice to be back among friends and brothers.  The roadworks were a challenge but I used the back lanes to get there and back but I see they are also closing one of those roads which leaves no real easy way to get there and back in a few weeks time.  Who on earth decides these things needs to actually live in the area as the terrible state of the roads these days and the sheer number of closures is atrocious.

Other than that it was actually grounding for me.  A friend with whom if you didn't know us, would think we were constantly insulting each other was there.  Now it's a very English (possibly UK) thing and the banter was fun but then I checked how he was and it wasn't good. I knew he had some sort of heart problem as 6 months ago he was missing some teeth after a fall, now happily fixed.  He told me that he actually has a number of problems including Prostate Cancer picked up at a recent test.  added to heart, spine and lung problems his father -in-law passed away at the weekend!  So he an I  briefly spoke about my experiences which he remembers and I wished him well.  

Another friend who nearly hacked off his hand with a chain saw when I was ill was also there and we sort of reminisced about that as he and I spoke often about our mutual problems.

It was nice to fit into my suit and have to adjust my regalia too!  I estimate two inches, possibly three off my waist and chest which was great.  I can easily button up my jacket which was tugging 6 months ago.  My trousers were loose (I use braces which holds them up properly) and yes, that also felt good.  

I woke at around 5 this morning and the full moon was lighting up the whole area and I thought about "things" as I watched the clouds across the face of the moon and decided that perhaps I'd now review things somewhat differently and by that I mean a plan to make a decision about life, the universe and everything.  The business has become personal and will it make a difference to my life and do anything to being joy or happiness day-to-day?  At the moment, probably not.  There's the achievement of getting it to market (half of it rather than all).  There's overcoming all the brickbats thrown at me but do I really want this to be my future and to define the way I live going forward?  I dislike (as most do) being a quitter but that may be the way forward that present trends determine anyway given the useless speech by the chancellor yesterday.

It takes my time, it stops me from being retired and it also steals my energy for little or no purpose.  It's a way forward and may be what I needed to do.  

So a plan is what is needed.  An exit plan - which I never got around to writing because of the nonsense that ensued just before the desertion of the inventor bloke.  

So that's what I am going to do now, take stock, look at the risks vs rewards and determine whether it is worth doing.  There, I feel fine thinking about it and it could be a win / win for me so I can walk away and get on with my life. 

All you need is a grounding event like this and some home truths and news about some of your colleagues, one passed away last week another has had a fall and is in Hospital and you soon start to filter out the negativity in your own life and make plans to change the things that hurt and upset you. 

The Utter Weariness Of It All

I know that I am utterly exhausted by all this goings on and I have a decision to make about life, the universe and all that.  Do I bother?  That's the bottom line of it all for me is, is it worth it to carry on and if not, what's to lose?

There's something to be said for having an exit strategy and whilst I did have one for the business some years ago, I don't have one now.  You really do need on as you need to know when to continue or when to give up (and why).  Right this second, right now?  I'd give up and close it all down and go and live happily ever after.  The manner in which I have been treated and the damage it has done to me this year, suggest that it isn't worth the health impact it has had.  Mental and Physically I am exhausted.  I know this, I have had it before and it is just stressful and unneeded too.

The big black dog attack a week and a half ago was just the PTSD type reaction to it all.  It's over but is it?  That's the brain not allowing me to think it is over as I am certain it probably isn't albeit, quite what can happen now I have no idea.  I would suggest that if it is serious I will just walk away and shut it all down and have done with it.  I don't need to worry about it after that of course and it will be a case of dig what you like out of the rubble.

I am not right though and I can feel it clawing away at me.  I even caught myself thinking the unthinkable (better off dead) last week - only for a moment and I am not that way inclined I do have things to live for, my family mainly, and it was interesting that I very rarely think like that and when I do, I know that I am in a bad place.  But I know I am in a bad place.  I am not sure how to get out of it at the moment but there will be a way.  

I have to decide whether things are good for my health or not and if they aren't then they go and that's it.  Already I have started little actions to lift me, create a sense of achievement.   Three Masonic meetings coming up which will probably improve my spirits and the car in for service too which will also tick another thing off of the list.

I need to be having a serious word with myself about the business though and I am just holding back to take stock.  I was working flat out a few weeks ago but I have no appetite for it at the moment not if the very people I built it for are now intent on my downfall.  A hollow victory for me in many ways and I just don't have my heart and mind in it now.  

Oh well, the task is to try and stay positive in between the dark depression bits.  Ride the waves and try to get over the peaks and troughs and hope for calmer waters ahead I guess.  I will get there but when and how are the problems I think.   

Now To Tackle More Demons

 It's fair to say that this whole episode has worn me down and it isn't just that, there are other factors at play including frustration with myself that I didn't get things done when I should have that other stuff has taken a back seat and so on.  It is all very annoying as it adds weight to my mind when I want a blank or at least clear head.

I need a break and I need it soon.  I am sure I can fit it in but I have 4 days worth of activities in the next 5 days to get through first and then, perhaps, I can take stock.  It is always a crazy time of year and I need to make a decision on all sorts of things some trivial in nature and some more serious.

I am seriously considering some sort of retreat or perhaps counselling, I would welcome the rest and I know what is wrong I am just not facing up to it which is why I might need it.  Facing your demons is a way of thinking about it I suppose?  

What If That Was All It Was About!

 The Okey Cokey?  No, although that might be a disappointment.  No what if someone got it into their head that I thought they were a fool?  Which I didn't but in their mind that's what I implied and they've gone away and brewed on that.  Then after some months they launched an all out attack both personally and business wise on me and then this last thing a year on.

This whole period of nastiness is because this person thought I'd said something.  I tried early on to talk to him but he'd just put the phone down on me and then I offered again after his first viscous attack and again, no refused and then this latest attack where I once again referred to these attacks based on what - yes, hurty words!

Narcissistic Injury is what it is and the way out isn't an option for him, it has to be the destruction of the person that he believes is the cause of it all. 

I have to say that I haven't felt this down for years and years and I am just building myself back from it.  It really has affected me quite badly and I am just taking time to rebuild.  I've halted working on the business for a short while whilst I regather my thoughts.  

I have no doubt that somewhere along the line this guy is going to throw up some more barriers but this time, he had better have something pretty substantial.  There's not too much he can do other than make himself a nuisance.  I would have thought if he goes for solicitor opinion they'd explain why he can't do much more.

That's Better - Calm (ish) Ness Returns

 Yes, altogether a better calmer temperament today.  The shakes are diminishing thank goodness and whilst I am not 100% chipper, I am feeling a lot calmer in myself and there is far less stress.  In many ways the experience has forced me to rethink what I am doing.  I am meant to be retired and yet ended up by default running this business.  So I am taking stock of that situation now and deciding what to do about it.

I am also going to have to go back Elephant Eating.  Doing a little bit at a time.  I cannot fix it all right now so slowly slowly catchy monkey it shall have to be.  What is difficult is what to do first and so it will be the nearest thing to hand I suppose.  Once again, I need to actually do it not procrastinate and it's easy to do that in November.  Christmas is coming, New Year and so on, "I'll do that next month" and so on.

Oh well, typing this isn't going to get me started on this pile of stuff I can see by my desk. Onward!

A Second Opinion Always Helps

 Well it was great to meet up for breakfast.  Nice to hear both of our stories although not much good news rally is there?  I think we both felt a shift in the atmosphere with the goings on politically and economically and it was interesting to see my friend's reaction to my descent into the darkness experience.

It's not just the one thing I think we both agreed, it's a number of things added together that contribute to me feeling low.  Sure, the business is one thing but there's other contributory factors too.  Stuff isn't going "particularly well" I think they say in modern parlance.

It is always good to get a balanced review of your situation and apparently I should have rung earlier and I knew that but you don't do that much or at least I don't.  

I am mentally exhausted though and need a rest.  Not much of that incoming in the next two weeks but after that, perhaps I can just take a break and then see where we go from there.  I'd feel a lot better if I could raise my game and achieve some stuff but whilst I did yesterday, it was only for a day and I need to devise some way of a daily advancement to get things to improve.  Not easy for someone like me to do really.  

I know the answers but implementing them and holding the discipline to do them, well, that's a different matter altogether.  

Bottom line is that it isn't just the business cr@p that's dragging me down it's other stuff too.  I'm just not dealing with it very well that's all.  The biggest rut you have to get out of is the rut you're in.  

Breakfast With My Friend

 We go back a long way - probably 30 years or so and whilst we didn't quite hit it off first time, we gradually grew to respect each other and he's a great guy.  He is also a fellow survivor and we had cancer (different ones) but closely associated at the same time so we spent time sorting out our recoveries etc.

Today will be good as it will cheer me up no end and I can "discuss" what's just happened to me.  I sure hope I don't drain his energy - it can happen when you are discussing traumatic events.

What I cannot understand is quite how badly it has shaken me up.  I suppose I haven't seen this level of aggressive behaviour in a long time and I think I now understand what it actually is.  It certainly wasn't business and it certainly now appears to be personal albeit couched and hidden as some sort of regime change.

It appears to be something like 'Narcissistic Injury' or, 'Ego-Defensive Reactivity.'  His people are defending him, not applying business logic to the logical arguments and financial information I provided.  So that in itself implies that he has fed them a particular story that centres on his being wronged rather than the very loose reasons cited to have me removed as the director.  Interesting indeed.  The trouble is I offered early on to mediate and it was bluntly turned down and no one took that on board either.

When you deal with non business people you expect this I suppose but here we are.  The problem is I don't feel like it is a victory as it was pretty obvious what he was doing (not why he was doing it until just after the meeting when it became clear).  It became clear because as one of his friends left he used a phrase that then reminded me that this was the very phrase used when the chap quit the business!  

It's all about a word, it's all about him and feeling foolish.  He's then gone away and built a whole story about how he's been "cheated", "fooled", "wronged" and so on and his pain body and ego have added to this and he's got angrier and angrier seeking revenge and getting even (or more).  Of course his friends have rallied around and bought in to the narrative and it was telling that no one contacted me, discussed the statement or indeed appeared to have fully understood the position I was in and that he had put the company in.

Oh well, breakfast awaits and I hope that I will be feeling a lot better after that and a chat.