I have had these disturbing thoughts on and off for years. The survivor syndrome, the visits by the Black Dog and last year's meltdown all tell you and me something about how things have been these past 20 years. This July it's been 20 years since it all presented.
The journey, if we can call it that, has been sporadic and in many ways not without some huge swings in mood. I'd always been sensitive to anyone calling out my professionalism - I pride myself on how "good" I was at my job and my technical competence in certain early control systems and microprocessor work was called on and so it comes as a shock to get called out, like I did last year but then it made me anxious, stressed and sick even though I was fully aware that the accuser didn't have a clue and was being advised by wormtongues I am certain.
But, Bladder Cancer and the way it changed me has made me weaker in the head than I used to be and less self assured than I was and my brain used and still uses that against me - the pain-body being the culprit and myself knowing that is the case for not identifying t and fighting it off.
Recently, much to my consternation, I have been having the "better off dead" thoughts too. It's not good but I can see why. This change from business activity (or inactivity LOL) is really messing with my head and purpose is having to be redefined in many ways because what is the purpose? Work, home, family used to be the focus but that's all changed now. Things that I used to do feel unsettling now, even going out for an evening feels strange to me.
I think that things are beginning to change and some clarity is coming along but I find myself distracting with small short projects (keeps me busy) and back to procrastination on other things I should be doing, my accounts for example, I need to just sit here and do them and have done with it. You get into a rut even when in reality the day is open to you to do what you want and so I think I will try and call on my Programme / Project Director's background and organise my self in a way that actually achieves things in the good old Elephant Eating method (Q: How do you eat and Elephant knowing how big it is? A: A bit at a time) That's it really - the deadlines of my previous life no longer exist, they've been taken away and there's a gap in my life. That gap needs to be filled with retirement things.
So I have done little jobs these past few days. I'm tackling small jobs, in a small way and then working on the fact that there are 365 days here and the only calls on my time are 14 half days per year. The whole of the summer has no demands on my time and so I can break the time up to suit myself. An hour here and an hour there. There's lots that can occupy my time but I can Elephant Eat that - Tidy the Log shed up, clear the weeds, mow the lawn (well strim it) work my way around the little odds and ends of jobs I've put off and there are hundreds of days and hours to do these things and it doesn't need to be a marathon when a few short sprints might sort it out.
I want everything done at once but reality says if I do a little bit everyday it will get done and there should be no need to fret about it either. You tend to feel good when you've achieved something and a series of small daily achievements will, I am sure, get me out of this malaise. I've done a few chores already - less than 30 minutes work on each and ticked off of the list.
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