Five O'Clock this time, wide awake - startled out of whatever dream I was having which was complex and circular going nowhere but just all procedural and bureaucratic. That was it, wide awake and then came the thoughts and the dark places were lining up to prevent renewed sleep so I threw on a few clothes and came downstairs - it is quite light at 5 a.m.
I was then greeted with a mouse in the kitchen trap this time - had one in the living room trap a few days back. It is most unusual to have them here in what is almost summer - they tend to arrive just after harvest time and over winter. A shame but anyway I cleared that up and then did some admin and wondered whether I've somehow screwed my cortisol levels or something.
I was sad and melancholic almost wanting to burst into tears for no real reason. I'm fighting the demons again, not quite full Black Dog but too near for my liking. I've grabbed a shower and apart from feeling a little tired I am sort of OK. I've a meeting tonight to go to and perhaps that will break this mood for me. It is very much this change from one state to the other that is challenging me - from work busy to retirement and I somehow didn't plan it or put off thinking about it and now it's here and dealing with it is taking some time.
I pretty much know what it is and I just need to adjust to it. I'm sure that it just needs me to change my lifestyle to suit and to get rid of all this negative energy. Knowing what it is (or what I think it is) is not the same as dealing with it. Things need to change to stop the spiral of depression and this worthlessness I currently feel. There's the mortality stuff to deal with too which isn't helping me much.
I am making small steps in tackling all of this but in truth, I need to start "eating my own dog food" as the saying goes and do something about it. I cannot keep putting it off.
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