To say these moods are tiresome probably underestimates the last year and the last few months I'd say. The problem is that you can look back and wonder what caused the problem in the first place and what happened to change it back?
Don't get me wrong though, I am still not through this but it is getting easier to deal with it and to control (for now). I slept well last night despite it being another very hot humid night. I woke near 6 and managed to get a further 1 hour 30 after the customary trip to the bathroom.
Some thought came into my head but I actually changed my thought to something nice and that banished the dodgy thoughts altogether. Having my grandson for the past 4 days was a little "testing" but he's not really that much trouble and he turns 7 next week.
Back to tiresome and the frustration is that this has evaporated away and all the pain and anguish it caused disappear along with it but they were there. They aren't real either, the thoughts aren't real as they are all in your head and you cannot do anything about them anyway. I cannot stop getting old for example nor can I fight that process or do anything about it - other than the usual mitigating things, keeping well and fit etc. I wanted, or rather I went through the process of thinking about leaving it all, walking away, having done with it, not wanting to be left on this earth and that set of thoughts were there but treated as part of an analysis whiteboard mindmap if you will. I've been there before, first real love affair ending, cancer diagnosis, divorce and now. None of these things are actually that bad or bad enough to even momentarily consider that course of action.
The current situation and the utter baggage it brings along need to be dealt with - the claustrophobia perhaps more so than other things. I'm back to where I was deciding to leave my Ex some 15 years ago. My mind is planning, plotting, analysing, testing, what-if scenario building and tearing down. It's all to do with my future and suddenly losing the "purpose" of my life which was work and business and it has left a gaping hole. That hole is very dark and I cannot see what is in it and so the certainty that an INTJ thrives on is of no use to me at the moment to work out what to do.
What has happened is that the initial (Kubler Ross type) things are happening:
Shock / Denial: Initial disbelief, numbness, or refusal to believe the change is happening.
Anger / Frustration: Annoyed or resentful feelings as reality sets in, often blaming leadership or the situation.
Bargaining: Trying to negotiate or find trade-offs to avoid the full impact or return to the past.
Depression / Low Mood: A low point of sadness, confusion, and lowered motivation or performance.
Acceptance / Integration: Coming to terms with the new reality, testing new behaviours, and moving forward constructively
So I'm at the last phase now and it's been ugly and nasty going through the previous phases. The bad news being that you can slip back at anytime into the former phases. I used to "Manage Change" as it was my job. I find, like a lot of people, that I managed massive global projects and know about all this but cannot turn it around to manage myself.
Physician heal thyself comes to mind.
No comments:
Post a Comment