The phone hasn't stopped ringing

Well it has or I wouldn't be able to write this. It has been chaos this morning. However, all good chaos if you know what I mean? All positives and some very interesting stuff coming up.

The main thing is that I may well have this job I was after. That will be great. It will mean a lot of work of course and a fair amount of travelling about too but it could be just the ticket as it means I can work and be based from home too. More I am sure later.

All sorts of other things are rearing their head and I am trying (still) to find enough time to cover off everything.

Not long to wait now before I get the outcome from the consultant and know with some clarity what the future holds. Today for the first time in a long time I actually feel like I can look forward to something and pick up and run with it. Perhaps, de corporate speaking it. I now have something that can pick up and hold my interest a challenge that I can use to move out of where I am now and something I think I will enjoy.

A great evening

Again, a fantastic evening. I think that I now really appreciate a good night out whereas perhaps last year it would have been something I just did. Now it is something to savour. Like yesterday, a superb meeting and a lovely meal afterwards. I was a bit disappointed as the letter of invitation promised Orange Mouse and when I got there it was Orange Mousse - I was so so upset :-)

Anyway, so good to get out and about but it plays absolute havoc with my diet.

OK Today or it seems to be

Thank goodness all appears to be OK today. No blood bits.

I again left off exercising this morning so as not to antagonise things any further.

I hope that the remainder of the day goes as well and I can not have the minor anxiety every time I go to the loo.

Thursday

Well last night was special and I am out again today. It involves a further meal and the requisite amount of alcohol for toasts etc :-)

I had a bit of a shock today as I measured my waist - I normally go by my trouser size but the tape measure must have lied as it was 4" more than my trouser size. I've got a new chart to plot body measurements and weights and it is a more accurate measurement of progress and you can the calculate BMI (Body Mass Index) and also overall fat in the body. I'm not intending to frighten myself stupid but perhaps this will enable me to focus in on key areas to work on.

It is surprising how quickly you can lose weight but to keep it off you must do it gradually. Combining weight loss with exercise and a different lifestyle are also contributing. With the new chart I'll be able to monitor more accurately what I am doing to myself and how effective it has been.

I'm fully expecting that this week will be more or less static and next week I should be able to get back onto gradually losing more weight. Also, I have just eased off with the few little blood clots/scabs appearing and it is better to take things easy than do any damage.

Hypnotism - Mumbo Jumbo?

We were discussing earlier on this evening about the "healthy Scepticism" that we had about hypnotherapy.

Now I think that the stage shows have misled people along with the swinging pendulum nonsense as well. It isn't acting like a fool nor is it something where you are in some one's power - in fact you are in control. The participants on the stage shows "want" to be controlled and are eager participants.

I am a BIG sceptic as anyone would tell you and as this blog probably testifies. However, I do now hold with the fact that hypnotherapy has actually been really useful in making me face up to the challenges I have to face and to keep a positive attitude to them.

Quite how this works is difficult to say but I have always been terrified of even going for an appointment let alone being ill and having to have something done to me. So to take me from close to terrified to close to accepting that I have to be seen can only be a good thing. It isn't "all the way" and I doubt you could convince me to walk in and get my arm chopped off or something but, to get me in and relatively calm has got to be a good step.

So it worked for me - a real sceptic and I wouldn't recommend it unless I felt that it would actually give you an opportunity to breathe easily, rest a bit and to accept your lot and move forward.

What A Great Day Out

I have just been treated to the most fabulous afternoon and evening out and I'm still buzzing from the experience.

To go into one of London's Livery Halls is something special on its own. To go into Plaisterers' Hall is something else. It is the most amazing building see www.plaisterershall.com and we dined in the hall with the three large Chandeliers. It was pretty special I have to say and I am so pleased that my friend invited me.

Getting a Taxi in London when it is threatening to spit with rain was another matter but we eventually succeeded and got a cab and then a train home. Luckily my local was open on the way back so I slipped in for a crafty beer on the way home.

So a great day and I'm afraid that the only thing to marr it was that I was again passing a small amount of blood when I got home. OK, it is very small but even so, it sort of worries you even if you do know what it is.

I am still so surprised at how injured I am when I don't really feel it.

Anyway, CD, you know who you are! Thanks for a wonderful day out - I cannot even begin to tell you how much it means to be even able to go out like this and thanks for inviting me.

WOW!

Bank Holiday Phase Shifting

That is the trouble with Bank Holidays. I keep thinking that it is Tuesday when it is in fact Wednesday and my whole week is screwed. I have a huge backlog of little things to do and it just seems to be taking me ages to get through them.

I almost certain that by brain is waiting for the appointment with the Hospital next week and the outcome of that before deciding what to do next. Perhaps it is because I have other things on my mind then that I'm not achieving all I want to do in my day. Things do get done but slowly and it tends to take hours rather than minutes to do them.

Once next week is out of the way I can plan again and I will sort out that holiday too.

When now actually means next week

I'd quite forgotten how work is. I am doing some work that should have been delivered on Friday night but wasn't quite ready as there was some data missing.

Yesterday I spoke to everyone about it and it was no worries, not in until the end of the week and it can wait. That threw me a bit as I was fully expecting to have my ear bent that I hadn't delivered it. I'm still waiting for the data of course which I might get on Friday.

The fun of it all. I keep expecting people to work at my speed and throughput and that just doesn't happen.

I'm not sure quite how I am going to return to work as I am sure I am going to get the maintenance treatment and probably another 6 weeks of Immunotherapy treatment. That takes 2/5ths of a working week out for me so I could do with finding a three day a week job for 6 weeks. Perhaps I just ought to set my sights on finding Hen's teeth and rocking horse poo, they'd be an easier ask!

All clear

This morning all is OK and back to normal. I decided to skip the exercises and to take it a little easy as I don't want to antagonise the situation.

I am looking forward to going out this afternoon - I have been invited to a Lodge that meets in the City of London and I don't have to do anything except sit back and enjoy myself which is always an easy thing to do of course. I am also going up to London tomorrow but this time it will be the Central/West End.

I don't think that I have been out and about so much for at least a year and so it is a bit of a treat to get out and to enjoy someone else's company.

Even without exercise the blood pressure readings are good again. I suppose there is a bit of a silver lining after all when you see that other problems I didn't know about have come to light and been tackled.

On Off On Off

I got the tiny little blood spots every other go tonight. Luckily the last two have been clear. It is a little bit frightening when you see this despite knowing that in no way can it be a tumour and it is more likely just to be the scabs dropping off.

What it does mean though is that I just need to take it easy and not overdo it. I was only saying a day or so ago that I thought I had been pretty good about slowly building back to normal and yet today's little warning obviously says I'm not ready for that so I will drop back to medium exercise again.

One of the problems - and I've said this before - is that you can't see or really feel too much wrong with you and so you can easily overdo it. Your body just revolts against this and you get the little warnings and set backs like this.

Forgive the running commentary

About my urination frequency and contents :-)

The last one was totally clear so I am guessing that all that is happening is that the biopsy and the resected area are just releasing their scabs.

Roll on the day when I can just go and have a pee and not worry about it :-) At least the post operative sharp intake of breath just as you are about to pee has gone and things are back to normal now.

Carbohydrates for dummies

I need that book :-)

I just worked out what I was doing wrong on my diet. I cut out loads of things that really I shouldn't have done. The primary one was, as you probably remember, I cut back heavily on bread and just have a little homemade bread now and then - I am no great lover of rice or pasta and so didn't have those and I had potatoes but I doubt I had them every day so it appears that I inadvertently cut down too much and lowered my carbohydrates too far. hence blood glucose levels were shot to pieces.

It also appears that the way I tend to eat fruit, generally all in one burst in the late afternoon or early evening is also not to be done either! I should be spacing that out.

It appears that in my eagerness to get the salt out of my diet, start to get the weight off and ramp up my exercise regime I managed to screw up my bodies metabolism.

So - as of today, I have changed my diet to make sure that I get carbohydrates three times a day and that I spread out all the healthy things to balance those out across the day too.

No one ever said that lifestyle changes were going to be easy.

Oh dear bit of blood

I thought there was a bit this morning and this afternoon another small bit. It could be the scabs coming off I suppose as it looks like tiny little clots and only one at a time not a lot at a time like I've had before.

Whatever, it is quite alarming to see even these tiny amounts. It takes you right back to those early days. Mind you there is a big difference, I actually have a good idea what is going on now. Then - well - I was just in a state every time I went to the loo.

I might have overdone the exercising now that I am using a more strenuous regime and then again, the wounds do need to come off and the bladder repair itself properly. I can't imagine it is anything other than that as these things don't grow that fast at all.

Worrying just the same and I just need to keep my eye on it.

Exercise, Diet and Blood Pressure

I recorded really good blood pressure readings this morning, almost as low as those when I was on beta blockers. It hasn't just dropped to these levels it has been gradually going down over the last three weeks and today I was recording 110 over 70 which is almost the lowest I've ever had. I keep a chart of my BP readings and do morning and evening. It has been quite gratifying to see things dropping down and normalising over time. Mind you it isn't something that is particularly accurate as you can have a high reading one minute and five minutes later it can be normal. You do need to follow a set routine which I now try and do. Rushing to get it done is bound to give you raised readings.

I also had a nice surprise on the scales. I haven't put on weight but neither did I lose any either. However, I was convinced that I should have put weight on given the excesses of last week.

Unfortunately this week I have two more meals to go to and I am certain that these too will put the weight on or keep me where I am.

Working on a Bank Holiday

I finally got all the important paperwork out of the way about 5 minutes ago.

I now need to tidy up my desk again which looks as if a mischievous Elf has ruffled the papers and put them in to all the wrong piles.

I still didn't manage to get the little bits and pieces done - you know those odd e-mails out to people that aren't really important but never get off your "to-Do" list. I need to make a concerted effort tomorrow to get a little more focused on this.

Unfortunately (or fortunately) my lunchtime appointment has been cancelled tomorrow. I was actually looking forward to getting out for a short while and so I can probably put a lot more effort into tomorrow to get things done.

The trouble with doing too much

I have given up a lot of things, not necessarily through having Bladder Cancer. However, like a lot of things you do, you end up running things because nobody else will or because they do it so badly.

It is difficult to walk away from some of the things that I've been instrumental in building up but I don't want to be seen as interfering and in all reality I would far rather not get involved, leaving things for the new man. Like all clubs I suppose those who actually do things end up doing them.

The trouble with doing too much is that you don't get time to yourself (I am doing admin on a bank holiday) and you don't get much time to yourself. If I had disappeared I wonder what would have happened?

Good News

We made £3500 on Saturday at the old people's home. That will allow us to finance the new garden furniture. They have a lovely garden area where we also hold the Easter Egg Hunt and the existing parasols are beginning to get worn out and we need decent ones as they get so much usage.

I didn't think we could make that sort of money on the day and it is easily the most we have ever made.

To think that this time last year I hadn't even heard of Bladder Cancer!

Changed the Exercise back upto the next level

I have been working my way back up to the levels of fitness I was at prior to going into hospital. It may surprise you just how much a short procedure like I had takes out of you.

It has taken me close to 3 weeks to get back to where I was. Today I upped to a 30 minutes straight routine on one of the harder programmes. I normally do 3 lots of 10 minutes on a relatively simple 3 peaks of effort in each 10 minutes. The one I did today takes you gradually upwards 3 times to three plateaus of effort.

There are a few reasons that you cannot do exercises straight away - one is that you have a number of cuts inside your bladder and they are healing, the other is that you are pretty sore from the pulling around and you feel a bit groggy from the anaesthetic. When the use a rigid cystoscope they also stretch you out internally. Your urethra - now ladies, your transit is a bit better than us lads is the way they get in to undertake the procedure. If you imagine the lads urethra goes up then bends down and back up through the prostate and then into the bladder so a sort of "S" shape. Well sticking that pipe in you straightens everything out and believe me, whilst it isn't painful particularly but it is uncomfortable and this also sort of limits your ability to climb Mount Everest or even do a little off road cycling. You can imagine that the bladder being balloon shaped means that the pipe needs to be viewed from some pretty odd angles and be twisted and pulled into place. Thank goodness you are knocked out during this procedure. You certainly don't want to start exercising before a week is up - I think that I waited for a week and a half.

Anyway, so almost three weeks after I started again I am back to where I was and ready to go on a bit further. It is surprising how much it takes out of you. I can see why I was so weak last time I had the more major procedure.

It still amazes me that people think I am cured

Casting aside that meat can be cured of course! Yes, it is strange that the downgrade has implications like "So that is it and it is all over?" and I have to politely explain that well, it really is the next part of the journey - I've only just begun if the truth be known.

Interestingly phase 1 is over and miracle of miracles, downgrading means that they got rid of the Carcinoma in Situ in the lining of the bladder and it looks like (I'll know soon) a small tumour that perhaps was seeded last time - who knows. After the next little cycle of treatment I expect to start to get back to "normal" although I very much doubt that anything can be considered normal anymore.

The trouble with bladder cancer is that it comes back and it can come back years afterwards - it is the most costly of diseases because of that. The good news is that you get constantly monitored (it ain't nice but you do get monitored). The other good news is that they can control it and that when you get it in the format I had it in, you can cut it out, treat it and in 80% of the cases you can halt it and regress it (like they have in me).

But you don't actually get cured this soon, nor does it mean that you are at any less risk. 2/3 rds of people get a recurrence. So I also need to temper the excitement and current elation so that should I get it again it will not be a crushing disappointment. As you can imagine, to have to go through the operations again would be pretty soul destroying but if that is what needs to happen then so be it.

So now I am telling people that it isn't cure, it is downgrading, it means ongoing treatment - perhaps for up to 10 years and then, and only then, if I have been clear all that time, they may say that it is cured. Gives you something to mull over with your cornflakes & coffee in the morning that I'll be seeing a lot more of the Hospital in one way or the other, that I'll be continuing the BCG treatment regimen and that they will still be sticking little cameras into me for a good few years yet.

At least my GP doesn't need to see me for a month and by then I hope to have this blood glucose problem fixed. One of the major things I think I did was to come off the carbohydrates so suddenly and so completely. Apparently I ought to just get that balance right which I intend to do. I made the first steps with that today and will be ensuring that I get that right in the coming weeks.

A late Sunday again

Perhaps it is just me getting towards the end of the week but it was again a lie in Sunday today - I was awake but really just didn't feel like facing the world and so just lay there day dreaming. I appear to pay for it later - like now as I am wide awake.

Maybe exercising late on a Saturday night didn't help either.

After two nights out this week and today's indiscretion

I should have expected the scales to tell a tale! They did, I've put a kilo on by the looks of things although the scales were hovering around a bit.

I had a four course meals on Tuesday, a three course meal on Wednesday and of course a burger and some sausages today!

As many people have said before it is easier to put weight on than take it off. Mind you I am still heavier than I was this time last year by a good 6 kilo.

I do like my GP's words though - he was saying about not living like a hermit and to vary food and to do things in moderation. I heard someone discussing a lady of 100 who reckoned that she had lived that long through moderation in all things. She had in fact decided to give up smoking when she was 95 :-) Brilliant.

Saturday Night - Nothing on TV and you did what?

NO - Not what you were thinking! Or at least I don't think it was thinking what you were thinking.

No I decided to get onto the exercise machine and punch out 30 minutes worth of exercise on a slightly higher setting. That will make up for the burger I accidentally ate at the Spring Fair - oh and the Pork and Leek sausage, well when I say sausage I really ought to say sausages. Well they were going to get thrown away otherwise and so I helped out - they were tasty though.

I have part repented by overdoing the fruit this afternoon but then again, I accidentally had two pints of beer on the way home too. As you can imagine, they needed to be forced down me :-)

Who am I kidding :-)

It was a bit cold

I don't think I want to trust the weather man again. Said that the cloud would burn off by 10 and it would be a good day so I turned up in a tee shirt and froze as I was on car park duty! After freezing away all morning - you've guessed it, when I got home the sun came out and it has been lovely this afternoon.

I've escaped upstairs as they are watching Borat and - I'm afraid it really isn't to my taste.

It quite took my mind of everything else today which is great and it is only now that I have even thought about things. Long may that continue to happen.

Are you really a fraud because you survived?

It is a strange thing. I spoke to someone else who mentioned that he felt that his cancer was fraud as he recovered and is healthy again. I think I felt a bit "strange" about it at first - having cancer - I mean you cannot take that sort of information in easily. The first reaction is normally two sided - one - a relief at least you know what it is or what you guessed it was, you knew you were pretty ill but hadn't grasped it all and of course then you get home and you go through the "I'm going to die" bit. Now frankly that isn't nice. A little later on you begin to get used to the fact that (in my case) you have a pretty good chance of surviving this.

When I speak to most people they say I have been through a hell of a lot and I suppose, looking back at some of the stuff I've written, I probably have but you don't really have a choice in this. well you do I suppose but I chose to have the treatments. So given that the treatment isn't comfortable or by any means over yet, people wonder why I think sometimes that I'm a bit of a fraud.

I think I guessed why that is today. It is because I survived it, because you expect to get cancer and die and in reality that isn't the case (I at least know that now). However, when you see people going through far worse, or getting a terminal prognosis you kind of feel guilty. Yet, knowing people who are getting the all clear and being discharged - I am so happy for them. It is all a bit strange but then that is the disease all over. The common misconception about cancer is that it kills you - if it doesn't you feel there is something wrong with you! How stupid is that :-)

I find the logic of some of the things I think utterly bizarre - cancer makes you far more inward looking and thinking perhaps I think too much and don't let things just happen to me.

So - enough of the deep and meaningful stuff for the moment - a bank holiday weekend beckons. Tomorrow I am off to help the annual Spring Fair - I do the Car Park duty which is OK.

Oh - That's Alright Then

That's good. The Doc called and whilst the readings are high, the trend is only recent and there is no trace of these problems in the past (apparently you can tell based over some months back!). Meaning that I need to go and see him in a month - yea - I bet I'll have to have another blood test :-( however. the kidney function hasn't changed and so I'm back on the Ace Inhibitors.

The concern is still there that there is some glucose intolerance but that is going down and so at least I can be observed. It is possible it is to do with the pulling and poking around at the Hospital and I've no doubt that is so.

I would imagine that my body wonders quite what the hell I've done to it as well, it has had a complete change in diet in the past month and a half - I imagine it is traumatised and shocked! Poor old thing...

It is all go today

This working for a living is a bit of a drag isn't it?

I suppose someone has to do it and it might as well be me!

Actually it is quietly quite exciting doing this sort of stuff again. Don't tell anyone that I like it though.....

A Sad to read note this morning

I follow a fellow sufferer's blog and was extremely sad to read this blog this morning (HERE)

Whilst I am sad about that news I am very thankful that I don't have that decision to make right now. This sort of decision puts everything else in perspective.

I must also get out of the habit of apologising for surviving.

Doc didn't get back to me

I was expecting a phone call to get my blood pressure pills renewed (or not) but nothing so far - I will have to ring tomorrow to see what has happened - I fully expect to get called in again and to have to work on something to do with high blood glucose levels!

Oh well, I'll see what tomorrow brings. Luckily I am working from home tomorrow so can go and get a prescription or go see the doc if needed.

I had a few calls about a contract starting in a week or two and I've sent off my CV for that. My next appointment with the Hospital has been confirmed for the 15th May in the late afternoon. Again, hopefully I will then know what is going to happen there too.

Work - a four letter word

It was OK this morning I suppose. It took a while to get together what I needed to do the job but there you go! I have all I need and am back at home working out how I am going to do it and in what order.

It is quite nice to be working again but what a horrible location to get to and from - I wouldn't want to do that every day.

Went Really Well

I did my talk this evening and it went down really well or appeared to. That was a relief as I had to change it a little and so it was the first time that I had delivered it, in its new format.

It appears to have done the trick as there was lots of interest and a commitment to become Patron of the Association from the Lodge which is great. A lot of people also want to become life members of Patrons themselves which again all adds to the efforts.

It was a long day yesterday

I am as tired as you like today and I've got to go out again tonight and give a talk about the work I do at the Old Folk's home. Tomorrow I am actually going to be doing some work - I know it is hard to believe isn't it :-)

Might be a day or perhaps two days work. Not sure if the GP will want to see me on Friday to screw up my second paid day though - I'll find out on his return tomorrow.

Why not leave it until the last minute?

Oh - you did. Stuff that should have been done a few weeks ago has only just arrived with me and it needs to be done? That's right - Now.

What do these people think like? Now it is with me they think that it is off their hands and they can of course blame me for it being late.

One day I think I will actually let them down and then lets see what happens.

Selfish Git

I am a selfish git. I am sorry that this is all about ME. I cannot see anything past me, my family and me.

It isn't meant to be shocking I think it is just the truth that, all of a sudden, you cannot care for anyone else any more. You are for you and yours and that is the lot.

I give all the time, I give to anyone without any thought to race, colour or creed - it was how I was brought up and it is what I believe in.

Now though - I look on some people as bloody spongers - I don't tell them that but I watched a few "performances" today and I don't believe half of it. I'm turning into the sort of person my parents warned me about!

I Don't know!

Interesting comment received earlier. I'm in that mid point, that indecisive bit of wherever I am. I feel like Alice - literally not metaphorically - I don't actually know whether to laugh, cry, dissolve, scream or just go and be ME - quiet guy in the corner?

They don't want to see me for another 2 weeks. That screw my plans. Everything now goes back another two weeks.

Point One - They aren't screaming to see me now! Good news - low risk

Point Two - I have to wait two weeks before being told that I need to go onto maintenance which I know (I Think) already.

I'm feeling tearful about that - only that it sets everything back another two weks, I should have really known last week or this week. Now everything is delayed by two weeks and it isn't my fault.

A good day with one exception

I have had a great day. I've met new people and I've carried the heaviest sword you can ever believe!

However - what is annoying to me tonight is about my Cab journey from the station. I asked him to pull over and he swerved the cab all over the place throwing me out of my seat. I wouldn't mind but all he had to do was to stop the cab slowly like all the other cab drivers normally do. No swerves, up the curb, off the curb and back again just as I was taking my seat belt off! BASTARD! Not funny. He and I will meet again one day and the fun will be on my boot.

What an absolute idiot. "Are you alright?" he asked. "Sure - I didn't expect you to drive up the curb and stop quite like that!" - No answer. £5.40 Guv. Great here is £5.50 keep the change!

I wish these arseholes would work out their problems on themselves not on their passengers - we pay their wages after all.

New Day - New Way of Viewing Things

Yes, a new day and one I am out to thoroughly enjoy. The weather is brilliant not a cloud in the sky and I'll be heading off to London in about half an hour to rehearse and then meet some friends for lunch.

Everything happens from 3 pm this afternoon - then we have a few beers followed by a meal and wind our way home.

At least that will take my mind off of things for a while.

Mr. Angry

Yep - Mr. Angry got out and threw his toys out of the pram today - in a nice sort of way. I'm just getting frustrated that I can't get this lot behind me and move on. The trouble still is that I'm not in charge or control and so every time I think I can move forward someone comes along with their size 9s on and kicks me back down again.

I'm not giving up but it is just so annoying and frustrating trying to get out of the place I am in now. It is taking ages to get to somewhere that can be described as even ground so that I can stop, take a breather and then reassess and move on.

Tomorrow is going to be my day and lets see if they can sod that up for me - I wouldn't put it past them to try.

Today I have mostly been

P1ssed off with being ill.

I know I'm lucky to have got this far in my life (almost 50 - not yet) with only minor stuff but it makes you think.

I mean, I have now been to the GPs surgery more times in the last 9 months than the whole of the previous 20 years put together! I know the place as if it were my front room and I don't want to see it every week - thank you.

I can't complain, I don't have a cancer that (now) is going to take me out before my time. I know it means I've got to be seen x times a year for (possibly) the rest of my life.

I don't want you to be sorry for me or to pour sympathy on me, that isn't what this blog or this particular post are about either.

It's just that a year ago - I was Joe Average, no problems, hadn't seen the GP in years, happily going about my day to day life, no strain on the public purse or the NHS or anything else and suddenly, I can't get well, I can't get a job, every time I get tested something else happens. I'm unemployed and who would employ someone who for the next few months cannot guarantee a solid five days work a week anyway.

It will soon be two years since I last had a holiday - you know a real one - relaxing for a couple of weeks in the sun. I have GOT to put that right as well - will the Physicians and experts leave me alone long enough to do that. Why do they call it practice?

I am having (as you may notice) one of the "Bad Days" you are bound to get. Suddenly you really just say oh hell, I really don't want to be ill, this has gone on far too long and I am SO fed up!

Of course, the logic says - hey - you are going to be downgraded, it isn't anywhere near life threatening anymore, it isn't something nasty or terminal. So you have a blood pressure issue, thousands of people never know and die early or suffer a stroke. Hey, you are pre-diabetic - it doesn't mean anything more than a big warning signal so stop your whinging and get on with it :-) Some people with diabetes never get to know until it is too late, you can do those changes you need to do, they can keep their eye on you and you won't get the side effects of that.

THERE - That told me :-)

You see there are two sides (possibly more) to this. Today is a black day, I really thought I had "done enough" to get myself into the good books and yet obviously not.

then my brain says "Can you really wash away the sins & excesses of your youth with 6 weeks exercise and good living?" Well PUNK, do you feel lucky? :-)

Can you atone for 25 years burning both ends of the candle?

Anyway, I'm sort of beginning to rationalise this out now but I have felt pretty annoyed with "things" in general this afternoon. It is so much more about keeping your head on an even keel really. As I have probably already said somewhere, I just got fed up with being ill today. It was interesting as I was told that, you look fitter than you have for years (which is true), I've lost weight, my face looks thinner, my neck too and of course my waist also tells the tale.

This post is a warts and all one. You probably cannot understand how I'd feel wretched with the good news about the cancer and yet, the whole package, no job, blood pressure, pre-diabetic, cancer, treatment, trying to secure work that will allow you to have this sort of time off, not providing for your family, insurance still not paying out after 7 months etc - you can perhaps see that any one of these can disturb the equilibrium of the day.

Again, I'm OK - I don't need anyone sympathising with me or anything like that. This is the way it is.

Blood Results

Sh1t. Doesn't look good still. Will have to see what the Doc says later in the week, it is outside of the usual levels for blood glucose tolerance. The limit for my tablets (Creatine) is reached so I guess they will keep on feeding me those.

I'm a bit disappointed with the results - they are nowhere near as bad as before but it looks like something will have to be done I suppose. I hope it isn't all the fruit I've been eating - that will be a turn up for the books.

Well at least I am not as devastated by the news this time. I shall have to call them later in the week to see what they want me to do.

Did I say I was taking charge this week - think again.

Bye Bye Laptop

Oh well that is the end of it. Bye Bye Laptop, happy days banging on the keys in darkened hotel rooms trying to complete impossible targets and PowerPoint presentations, trying to get wireless connectivity and failing as no one had really subscribed to it.

I'm quite sad now that it is all over but then again, I have a lot to go for if I think about it and perhaps it is for the best to move on and forget about it.

Turns the page - tomorrow is another day - sigh!

Time Gentlemen Please

In a few moments that will be the last piece of my past employment severed. I'll meet up with my old colleague and he will pick up my Laptop, bag and all the accessories.

And that will be it. If ever I was destined to be in a particular job - it was that one, I'd got years of experience and have been a fan of the software for years. I knew the people, I knew what customers would be looking for and I knew what I could do to make the difference.

As they say, it is no use crying over spilt milk but I really hadn't thought of anywhere else I'd rather have been. Perhaps there will be something coming along there but I cannot hang on for it in reality. I reckon that they will have to move fast or I will go and sort out something else to do.

Tomorrow - Big Day for me

Last September I had the huge disappointment of having to go into Hospital and being unable to carry out my duties as a Sword Bearer. Strange eh?

Well, I was made an Active Officer of my Masonic Province last year and I carry the Sword ahead of the Provincial Grand Master on special occasions. Last September was to be my first one and the operation coincided. Tomorrow is the Provincial Grand Lodge meeting at Freemasons Hall in Great Queen Street London and I will be leading the PGM into the huge Grand Temple carrying the sword. It will be a culmination of 24 years of Masonry. You only get to do an active office like this for one year and tomorrow is a big day. Having happened to have carried this particular sword once before it is really heavy and so I'm glad that I have been "working out" these past three months or so! There are normally a thousand or more people there.

So - a big deal for me and one I am really proud about. There have been, in our Lodge three Sword Bearers as far as I know in 73 years so not a bad record. Now I just hope that I don't trip up or anything like that.

Unfortunately you don't get to carry the sword around outside. It would be fun carrying it around London? I could be doing my Highlander impersonations "There can be only one Highlander!" and you wouldn't have any problems at all getting a seat on the Underground on the way home!

I also have to wear a tail coat which is good fun. I will not be wearing that up on the train though either.

The start of an interesting week

A lot is due to happen this week. For one, I should hear from the GP today about my Kidney function and whether I stay on these BP tablets. Next I should have an appointment to see the Consultant and find out what lies in store next. After that, I should hear about my potential diabetes or the glucose levels in my blood test. With a bit of luck I have a day or two worth of work to fit in as well and today I lose the last remnant of my previous job.

Tomorrow I am out all day up in London - I'll tell you more about that later and Wednesday evening I am out as well.

In between all of these I have to organise the meal for Wednesday evening and also to work through a pile of things that must be done by Friday and on top of that chase up a load of people who are due to get back to me. The trouble with that is that they think they are the only one who hasn't responded. They don't realise how much hassle they cause me having to ring around after them.

Slowly dawned on me today

That I need to wrestle away the hold that bladder cancer has had on me for the past 9 months. I think it is getting to the point where, given the right sort of news from the Consultant, I can start to take back my life and to start being in charge of my disease rather than it being in charge of me.

I've had to do everything I have been asked to, when I was asked to and it has run my life for me these past 9 months. Everything I have done has been to someone else's calling and timing and now, I feel, it is coming to the next stage. It doesn't mean I've got to be any less respectful of the disease but what I DO need to do is to get my life back and to get on and do things not using the excuse (that probably isn't the right word) that I need to take it easy, I am recovering, I don't know if I will be seen that day and so on. There comes a point in time when you just cannot continue thinking or acting like that.

That time is rapidly approaching I think. The GP I hope will have come to a decision about me, my tablets, my possible diabetic readings and the Hospital will pronounce their findings and my next batch of treatments. That I hope will be this week. I will then have a very good idea about the upcoming treatments and I can then go and plan accordingly. I hope/expect 6 BCGs again but they'll tell me about that and then I really hope that I get 6 months rest rather than 3 months before they need to do a peek and poke - if they do then I hope it is a flexible rather than a rigid cystoscopy (local rather than general anaesthetic).

There are lots of other things that need to be picked up and done and I haven't done them and that is also catching up on me too.

Paying for it now though

It is just gone midnight and I'm wide awake and there is probably something going on. I don't feel unwell or anything in fact I feel fine. I can't quite get the shift in time zone I appear to have gone through :-) Perhaps a space portal? Probably not!

It is strange - wide awake at this time of night, happy to sleep late, catching up or just something unexplained.

Later today (as it now is) my old work colleague is coming around to see me and we will have a beer and a chat and then he will take away my laptop and all the bits that came with it. It will be sad to see it go but perhaps another thing I can draw a line under and move on?

Sleeping

Which I can presently do for England - either it is something to do with the healing process or I'm just a lazy so and so.

It is 11:30 and I got an early night and so a good 11/12 hours sleep plus a bit of lying in time. It is strange that I could do that sort of thing occasionally but now I could happily do it every day.

It is strange I have to say, I'd prefer to be up and doing something.

Time for a barbecue

At least it gets everyone together these days. Daughter 2 seems to spend a lot of time contemplating the inside of her room these days. Daughter 1 has grown out of that. In fact she went out driving with her mum today. You don't want to know how much the insurance costs for a learner driver these days.

We have made a deal that I don't get involved in this sort of driving experience thing. I'd be screaming "Watch out for that car", "Careful of that pedestrian" and my daughter would probably be saying "We haven't actually got off the drive yet Dad!"

So we have insured the little car. Mine stays where it is and is driven by me!

Did the Earth move for you?

It did for us apparently this morning. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/6602677.stm

Mind you we are a fair few miles away from the epicentre and at that time in the morning it could easily have been passed off as wind :-)

Despatched in Mentions

Well kind of.

Young Suze had her procedure this week. She is a brave lass as this blog will testify http://cancercomicstrip.blogspot.com/2007/04/this-wont-hurt-honest-arrggghh.html I have to say that I am not particularly able to take an epidural for this sort of procedure being a little sensitive.
Suze has linked to one of the funnier moments of one of my visits here http://my-bladder-cancer-journey.blogspot.com/2006/11/flying-catheter.html

Have a read of more of Suze's anecdotes - there can be a funnier side - it just take you a few weeks after the events to realise it sometimes!

A Few Pints Later

And I am feeling back to my old self again. The Sun has come out and it is quite warm - time to go and sit in the garden and chill out for the rest of the day.

Blood Taking by Professionals

It must be me but these guys are great at the Hospital. I hardly had a bruise last time and this time I hardly felt anything at all. I suppose that if you do this for a living (a strange job if you think about what you would be doing every day) then you'd be good at it.

I've had some good and bad experiences with this in the past and yet so far, both times have been good. I have to say I don't fancy making a habit of this though.

The BEST Bacon Sandwich - EVER

MMmm!

Well that worked I got seen inside 25 minutes, nice lad and was surprised I'd starved as long as I had but I did say to him about the wait last time and the fear of getting trampled to death by the geriatric sprint to the seats. He told me that they actually start picking numbers up at 7:30! I got there at about 10:45 and was seen by 11:10 - I think I was actually walking out at that time.

I went past the Cafe but it was packed there was only a seat outside on the pavement which I didn't really fancy. So I then walked past the pub - I know - good temptation control for me and then got home.

I have just had a double bacon sandwich with white bread and HP Sauce. I realised that I haven't had a Bacon Sandwich for more than a year!! It was absolutely brilliant - ahhhhhhhh.

Also today my Bladder Cancer Awareness wrist bands arrived from the USA. you can get them at www.bcan.org or I have a small supply if you want one. They are a rather fetching dayglo orange colour.

So far so good

I'm just getting ready to go to the Hospital and just doing some final messing about and then I'll go and see if my cunning plan has worked. I'm not hopeful but you never know.

Here we go again then! This time drink something dummy!

I have made sure that my liquid intake today has been up as the results showed I was dehydrated. I hadn't quite got it right and thought I was allowed sips of water not to drink as I wanted to. I suppose I am so used to the procedures where with BCG you don't drink for 2 or 4 hours before (I forget which now) and of course on the operations - whilst you can have sips of water I tend not to.

This time I will get that right. I've eaten well today and ensured that I have had plenty of variety, I've not touched alcohol since Tuesday and so I am hoping that my results actually show some blood in my alcohol stream this time.

All this blood letting - if he mentions leeches next week I'm running for the hills :-)

And so to bed!

Time is almost up

I have to go on to the fasting regime in less than an hour. I shall mark that with a drink of some sort (not alcoholic unfortuantely). Then it will be water only until 11 or so tomorrow. As I will have to walk back past the cafe and the pub I could be tempted to eat, drink and be merry on the way home!

Next Blood Test

I look forward to these as some people look forward to having a limb amputated without anaesthetic.

Tomorrow I intend to get up a little later, do my exercises and then to have a slow wander up to the Hospital to get there about 11 or just after. I am hoping that the crush of people having their fasting blood test (which this one is) will have died down and that I can get my test done a little quicker than last time. We live in hope.

As I haven't been eating sugar sandwiches (all the rage when I was a kid) and I haven't been drinking alcohol or anything else silly, I hope that the results will be back in the normal level and I can move on from this. I certainly do not want to be doing this every week.

I go back to one of my earlier posts about whether or not people realise that with all this time off and testing and prodding and poking that somewhere in the time left I need to find a job and to actually do some work. I have some work next week but I have a feeling that it is going to get disrupted through appointments and the like.

All OK this morning

Apart from the Internet being down - I can get to this site but I cannot get to most of my main web sites and I have no e-mail either.

I will have to wait for it to come back I suppose. Certainly I've not had the lightheadedness of yesterday. That was peculiar but I'm sure it is just settling into these tablets and also other factors like when I take them, whether I have eaten or not before and so on.

Suddenly this lot popped out

I was doodling around and started to jot this lot down. I hope that it makes sense.


My Bladder Cancer Journey


My Bladder Cancer Journey
Has only just begun
Yet like a West End blockbuster
It’s set to run and run.

My Symptoms, like many others
Start disturbingly, passing blood
In between the waves of panic
The stress hit me like a flood.

My GP reviewed the evidence
My guess is that he knew
An urgent request to refer me
Gave an appointment and review.

A Local procedure frightened me
A device that checks you bladder
Inserted where you can’t believe
Diagnosed cancer that made me sadder.

I think I knew that all along
The Consultant then told me so
You have a bladder tumour
It must be operated, removed and go.

What do I tell my children?
What do I tell my wife?
I have a dangerous illness
It may well cost me my life.

Within days I was in Hospital
So scared and so afraid
The worst was almost over
My family and friends all prayed.

How poorly I felt and helpless too
I lay wounded, wasted, tired, upset
As the scars healed within me
I researched and searched the Net.

The day came when half healed
After starving and laxatives left me weak
An IVU X-Ray procedure
Made me stressed and made me weep.

I’d never felt so wretched
So unloved, alone and bled
I’d have taken up any offer
I knew I didn’t want to end up dead.

Results of biopsies and X-rays
Consultations and knowledge provided
Another operation required
To check out what they'd decided.

Waking from this operation number 2
Something wasn’t right I knew
Spasms and pain racked my body
To keep my senses was all I could do.

Results this time were much better
Reviewed and checked and defined
BCG Treatment directly instilled
It sure played a lot on my mind.

Six instillation, rough times heading
It was meant to be so, of course
Renewing the bladder’s lining
Then limiting the cancer at its source.

The waiting is so stressful
Has the treatment worked or perhaps not?
These delays they are upsetting
A letter arrives and your stomach contracts in a knot.

In quiet moments I cried
Too proud to let you see
The trauma and the pain
That racked my mind and my body

My bladder cancer journey
Has only just begun
Now I’m past the first few stages
I'm sure I can overcome.

This poem, the first of many
I hope will put into rhyme
That hope it springs eternal
It happens all the time.

Calling on unforeseen depths
Your body can depend
A positive mental attitude
Will help you in the end.

Keep faith and love and rely upon
The help you get from others
If you are in a similar state
We all are sisters and brothers.

Your consultant and your nurses
Are there to set you right
And once that you recover
You sleep well again at night.

Somewhere, someone else is suffering
And I’d like to let you know
Yes – It’s personal and it's frightening
But you’ve got to reap what you sow.

My poems almost ended
I hope that you’ll discover
Cancer is mainly treatable
And chances are that you’ll recover.

Keep your spirits high
As high as you possibly can do
Lean on family and friends
And see the whole thing through.

I wish you well
I hope that you will find that it is so
That on your own journey
Your travels will help you grow.

That was a bit strange

I'm still feeling light headed I checked my BP and it is normal and not particularly low. I'll have to have a chat with the Doc when I see him next week. Anyway, I had an hour lying down and I'm certainly feeling a bit better.

Light Headed

I think that the tablets and exercise and the drop in my blood pressure is making me light headed. I've noticed it today quite a lot. I'm just being sensible and taking it easy - suddenly getting up from a chair and so on are to be discouraged.

Now it could be a much simpler reason than this - I had my hair cut yesterday so perhaps it is that? :-)

Back to previous levels

On my exercise regime I am now back to 4 1/2 miles a day and that seems to be just about right. You should be slightly out of breath and sweating moderately. I've never fancied being one of those people that looks like they are about to expire after having been exercising.

I worked at a place once where there was a lunchtime running club and everyone looked absolutely knackered by the time they came back. It can't be good for you :-)

I also realise that I am doing this exercise in the morning and that is OK but at some point in time I may need to think about switching when I can do this so that I can fit some work into my exercise schedule!

A great evening and now it is time

To go on the wagon (lay off alcohol). If the posts get intelligent, meaningful and useful you will obviously realise that the removal of alcohol has in fact worked.

On Friday I expect them to be able to find some blood in my alcohol stream!

Wish me luck :-)

Where is my appointment

It has been two weeks tomorrow since I had the cysto and I've not had the letter to come back and have my out patients appointment.

I'm not too worried about that as up to a point they did say what they had seen and what they expected to happen. If I haven't got anything by tomorrow I'll drop them a line. As I'm looking at notable dates this time last week my contract ended and this time next week I will be up in London to undertake a task I never thought I'd make. Now that will be a massive milestone in my recovery as it will mean a lot to achieve something I've always wanted to do. Nine months ago I wasn't certain that I would be around and if I was I'd be in any shape for it either and so to me it is one of those things I'd put in my head as achievements and goals or milestones. Once that is out of the way, a crucial and new era awaits.

I think I had better go set some more goals and milestones - these will be things that I really ought to do now that I am on the mend. I also realise that I haven't listed those down perhaps now is the time to do that?

Do you expect me to talk Goldfinger?

No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!

I just had this vision of that laser cutting towards James Bond and thought that the parallels to having a flexible cystoscopy are too close to call. I mean you know which bit is going to get zapped first right? James Bond is tied to the table, you are not, he still has his trousers on - and you - oh well - that is too much detail for this paragraph!

I wonder if I should say that to my Urologist as they approach with all the equipment. Do you expect me to talk???

No, we expect you to lie perfectly still and take it like a man :-)

I was wondering whether to question the nurses about why they would possibly want to do this job? What motivates them exactly? Could it be revenge :-) If I can think that clearly next time I have one I might ask it but frankly, I'd be in no positions whatsoever to defend myself.

Night Out

Lad's night out tonight - the old school friends and we each have to bring 3 jokes along - we ran out of them last time :-)

I have written mine down plus a few extras! After tonight I am on the wagon, especially following the blood test results last week and the wobble that gave me. I will also be on best behaviour and make sure I complete all my exercises and eat properly too.

So, tonight should be fun, organising our 50th birthday party (2 of us are joining together for that) and reminiscing about how it was in the old days! I think it is brilliant that we have known each other for 40 years. Two of them have grown up together so almost 50 years for them.

The recent travails have made these friends very precious (Oops I sound like Gollum there for a moment). Perhaps very special to me or is that just as bad? All those years of growing up, getting married, having kids, holidays together and all sorts of scrapes and incidents along the way. Perhaps even better is that we have remained in contact with more friends from school and so there are probably 15 or 20 that we could still get in touch with.

That's Interesting

Someone wants me to interview for a job based here in the South of England - that will be good.

I'm just ploughing through the details now and it is an interesting proposition. That's cheered me up a bit. Not sure of the full picture and timescales yet but if the first stuff I have read is anything to go by - it could be an interesting ride.

Acting as if you are ill

I find it difficult to act normally anymore. There is always something I need to have done to allow me to plan out something or decide where to go.

Trying to commit to things is difficult and I do end up not doing things just in case something happens. I suppose I don't like to let people down and so not committing means that I don't have to last minute someone. I don't like having that done to me.

There is the other thing too, at the moment I don't like the idea of missing or rearranging any appointments to suit myself. If my consultant wants to see me next Wednesday then I'll be there. I haven't missed an appointment yet and I suppose if it clashed with something I could call and rearrange it. Things now aren't so serious (well they are but are not time critical). Again, I know that I'm due 3 or 6 BCGs whatever happens. One way or the other that is two days a week out for 3 or 6 weeks and when will they start and finish. Later this week, another blood test, results next week, a phone call and perhaps (almost certainly) a visit to pick up a new prescription and so on.

If I write off the next two months I should then be clear for 6 months and have no reason to worry about any of these things, any disruption to work (when I find some) and any possibility of getting caught out and having to spend stacks of time off work.

Of course in 2 months time it will be holiday season - I can't win :-)

Comments opened up

I hadn't realised that I had suppressed some comments by using Google account holders only so - sorry!

You can now comment but to stop spam robots I've added verification and also, now, I have moderation over comments. I've done that in case someone decides to post something that I (I am sole arbiter) find offensive or off subject I can delete.

Hopefully this should open things up a bit more now.

Cheers!

Settled back down thank goodness

How peculiar that was yesterday - I was almost hyperactive last night. Today I am going to just take things easy and at a slow pace. I have loads of things to do and loose ends to tie up, I need to get some serious reorganisation done as the old company laptop has left a space on my desk that is getting filled up with bits of paperwork.

I have a load of letters to write, I have my party invites to send (guess who's 50 this year then) and I need to start working logistics and plans on that and catch up with my balance sheet - that doesn't balance and try and find out why that is.

Rome wasn't built in a day.

Gone into manic mode tonight

I don't know why or what triggered this but I have gone into absolute overdrive and it is now almost 1 in the morning and I haven't been able to stop or slow down on anything. I reckon I could run for about 48 hours non stop I am that lively - even now. This happens occasionally but normally I am working on some project or other - today this kicked in and I could easily run for hours, spend 24 hours at the PC (if I had something to actually do) or some other similar activity.

I am going to have to work out how on earth to switch off. At the moment I really feel as if I could party all night or something similar. I have no idea where this burst of energy came from. It is pretty strange I have to say and harps back to 5 or more years ago.

I am stunned

By my blood pressure readings tonight. I've come off the beta blockers and I'm just on the ace inhibitors (although we are checking those out with the next set of blood tests).

My GP said that he didn't expect me to live like a Hermit last week. Which was a bit too late as I've just put a deposit down on a nice cave too.

No really, my Blood Pressure is way below stupid this evening - 108 over 64. Anyway - I must not complain but I am really amazed by the results. I look forward to seeing my GP In a week and a bit and delivering him my BP readings.

Can Cancer be Funny?

It is a taboo and you don't hear too many jokes about it. Sometimes, you need to have a laugh though and this blog (link below) intends to provide some lighter moments. Patient, carers and family and friends all need to ease the tension and humour is one of the best ways.

Some people feel uncomfortable with using humour and yet it is a way to keep your spirits up.

Click HERE

Now that is pleasing

I managed to knock another 1/2 kilo off my weight last week despite that breakfast and a bit of a booze session on the Tuesday and Thursday.

This week of course I am not going to go out and have a bladder full of booze! I shall be taking things very carefully indeed.

Exercising picks up

I didn't do any yesterday but went back to it this morning. I did 4 miles and burnt about 150Cals so happy with that. Not quite up to my full speed and distances yet but I have to be pleased that I got to 30 minutes again so quickly. I feel quite fit despite having been pulled about and I think waiting a little while longer than I wanted at least didn't give me a chance to hurt myself.

Now to see if I can do this every day and get back on schedule for weight and measurements. It is one of those things that is easier to give a miss than to do. That is the danger of course :-)

Hardly

Up with the Lark - not, after a late night I'm up and ready to face this week. What will that hold? Who knows? I have some stuff that I must get on with and yet I just cannot seem to get the enthusiasm for doing them. Perhaps they might distract me enough this week if I just get on and do them?

My health is in first place again (where else could it be) but I really shouldn't be thinking about it all the time. It is difficult to get out of that frame of mind and to get on with life but it is the core thing around which everything else revolves at the moment.

Relief

It is 1:45 am and my daughter has just got back from her first London concert. Mum has just picked her up from the station.

Breathes large sigh of relief :-) You have to let go but it is difficult. I daren't think what my parents went through when I used to come back late from being up in London? I used to go to concerts a couple of times a week sometimes.

And so - to bed.

I'm still somewhat concerned about the results though

I mean a high blood glucose level can I suppose be a one off? Considering I had been out on the booze on the Tuesday before the tests I Suppose that is a possibility. However, That was probably me clutching at straws and not looking the reality of this in the face.

The real issue is that I don't have any of the other symptoms and I'm already on a pretty healthy diet (apart from the odd occasional breakfast of course). Am I glad I didn't accept the St. George's Day bash tomorrow. That can get truly out of hand on the food and booze side.

I am concerned though as to what they will find. I also hope to hear when my Out Patent's appointment is for the results of my operation. I bet it will be on the only day I have anything planned in the next few weeks.

Last year I missed a very special day when I went in for operation No.2 I do not intend to miss a very special day this year as it would be for me a once in a life time opportunity. For that, I can miss a day or two if it comes to it.

It is surprising that all these things are as a result of being diagnosed with Bladder Cancer. I'm guessing that I'd not have done anything about my blood pressure until perhaps that was too late and if I am pre-diabetic or perhaps am diabetic that would probably have shown itself with the symptoms when they got difficult to control. I also wonder, if it is diabetes, it could be like a friend of mine who had a heart attack and then they also found he was a Type 1 diabetic. I think that came about as a result of, not a precursor to his attack!

Men are more likely to get Bladder Cancer - Why Explained

HERE

It appears that "A molecular receptor or protein that is much more active in men than women plays a role in the development of the disease".

The one less thing there is to worry about being a woman though is you ought to thank God that you don't have a Prostate - I suppose we blokes ought to thank God for that too really :-)

Having things continually driven past it is something that I wouldn't miss.

Mind You What else is wrong and do you really want to know

I think I'd rather not know and then again? It is difficult isn't it. Would you rather know you had something nasty or rather you didn't know so you could go happily on, not knowing?

Having Cancer is bad enough and high blood pressure was OK once I'd got over the denial bit. Being diabetic would really p1ss me off - no really it would. I've made massive changes to my life style (perhaps - and we can argue this out later - a bit too late in life to make a difference) but even so, I am so much fitter than a year ago although I'm probably 20Kg more than I was then - I am no where as near as fit as when I was 20 but then I was really at my peak and had an active job - but my goodness when I look back at the life style of the 70s. We smoked and drank and hardly slept and I worked long hours on site ate huge grease out breakfasts regularly at work. Crikey :-) So I should be surprised I even made it this far knowing what we know now.

SO if they found some more stuff in these tests would I really want to know? I'm going to say yes but I am also going to say that I would need to be told face to face as just getting that sort of half data over the phone did not do me any good at all.

If it was diabetes and it was pre-diabetes then it is clear that if I know about it - I can manage it properly and ensure that I do all the right things for that. Another side of me says that, I feel well now and I'm happy doing what I do, living the life I live and that if I didn't know, what would be the worst thing that could happen. Then I realise that it could be blindness, loss of limbs and think that I'll go back to that I want to know.

Last year I was a firm believer in "let it happen" now I'm not so sure that really is the right way to do it.

SLAP - back to where you were

Was how it felt yesterday. Just like someone had walked up and without any warning hit me right across the face, a real stinging one too.

The strangest thing of all is that I knew I was ill with the bladder cancer and I'd got a feeling that I wasn't right and that over the years I had been struggling against an invisible force (which could be how quickly my daughters can reach the monthly credit limit on my Visa card!). But, I digress.

I knew that my blood pressure was pre-hypertensive and that I had White Coat Syndrome. I know I have a fear of needles of all sorts and I particularly dislike blood tests although the last few have been tolerable and bearable for me - just.

So what am I rattling on about now. Well, some of these things they can find wrong with you - well you just wouldn't know until the full symptoms came about. Like diabetes, I don't have any of the common symptoms and yet they can tell that there is something not quite right and can do something about it (or rather I can). I often wonder if we had set out many years ago to make the NHS a preventative service rather than a reactive service, quite how many diseases could have been halted and how many major procedures could have been saved and how little time you would need to be in care if you'd have "changed the oil" 100,000 miles ago or whatever?

Prevention is better than cure so they say. Perhaps in the future, they will be able to do that. I suppose if they'd cured us all before we would have had anything you'd never know how to treat things, do the surgery or realise what the early stages were either. Perhaps another of those Catch 22 moments.

I feel a lot better today

It wasn't to difficult to do that of course after the events of Friday 20th. I've spent this morning running up some soups to freeze for next week. I make a pretty handy Watercress and Spinach soup and I tried a Mushroom one this morning too which has gone down well with the troops.

They are all batched up ready to go. Soup makes you feel full up and slowly releases - making your own means that there is no salt in it and you know all the ingredients are fresh too.

I now need to sort something out to occupy me this afternoon. It is a lovely day, perhaps something in the garden.

Exercises Restart

I did about 2 1/2 miles this morning (about 20 minutes worth) and thought that it was best to stop there and I can up the rate tomorrow and the time as well. I'm a little surprised that I'm not as out of breath as I thought I'd be nor quite as sweated up. My Blood Pressure and heart rates are normal which is cool.

I had quite a good night's sleep unsurprisingly and I feel a lot better today. I'm going to really concentrate this week on getting my fitness back and on catching up with all the odds and ends I have lying around here.

I never want to feel that bad again

My world came crashing down this afternoon. I am utterly drained at the moment. For one moment it flashed before my eyes that I'd be in and out of hospitals and GP surgeries and clinics and in and out of ambulances for the rest of my life.

I've been right down to the darkest of dark places today and then bounced straight back and can rejoice that it isn't what was feared and now, now that I have thought a bit harder about it, I suppose if it is what it indicates on the tests then it can be handled and managed it needs review and life style changes, such as I've already made, can keep this under control.

I've had enough now I'm going to bed and I am not getting up early in the morning. I will however re-start the exercises tomorrow as I feel that the majority of the bruising is almost out and I feel fit enough to do that now.

The Emotional Roller Coaster

I really, really wanted to get off the Roller Coaster today. I approached the worst moment of the whole 9 months to date earlier on. It wasn't the case that if it had of been diabetes or perhaps even something else it was the fact that I've really gone out there and spent time and effort to change lifestyle, to improve my health. Cancer is one thing, then the blood pressure (which can lead to all sorts of stuff) and of course, my Kidneys have probably take a severe battering of late due to the disease I have and the pushing and pulling about I've had as well as the tablets I'm on.

To have the news that I maybe diabetic took me right over the edge. I actually think now, right now, I'd probably have settled for that as long as I got nothing else - ever again. It is hard enough with the cancer let alone anything else.

2 days shy of my 49th birthday, I'm not yet 50 and my body went into meltdown. It was a wake up call 9 months ago - I certainly don't need to keep adding to the list now or in the future. I've really had enough for a life time and I'm not out of the first phase of either the bladder cancer or the blood pressure problems yet.

There was a Roller Coaster I spoke about which is the treatment and the ups and downs of that and all the emotions that went with it. Today it did a quad flip and a load of loop the loops in the dark and I wasn't prepared for them. For the second time this month I got my life back. The Roller Coaster is running along smoothly. It wasn't the fact of what it was it was that it came totally out of the blue.

Cancel the Blue Plaque

"XXX Lived Here"

So what do 2 + 2 make? Did someone say 4??

Not if you are me - how about 4,000,004

OK - Sort of good news - yes readings are high enough to question whether diabetic. However, we know there are no diabetic symptoms. So far so good? Cannot understand one reading showing dehydration - oops my mistake I didn't drink a lot as I thought I shouldn't.

We are going to repeat the tests at the end of next week and by the end of the week after we will be able to review it all again.

As for me? I think I learnt a bit of a jumping to conclusions lesson. Doc apologised when he realised quite what a horrible afternoon I had been through. I wore the Tee Shirt, we were much relieved. It is now the "Magic Tee Shirt".

Within minutes, I had gone from resigned and slightly distressed to OK about things again. I cannot tell you quite what a relief it is.

I have managed to cancel the blue plaque for the house :-)

All the problems, fears, doubts, and everything else are gone! I must learn to take it easy before I "go into one" Sorry to everyone out there who also got wound up with me today. All's well that ends well.

The family are all home

So I'm back on good form being me. Actually they have cheered me up just seeing them and I'm just going to go and get myself ready and go to see the GP.

We were having a laugh about my pig out breakfast of yesterday - "was it really because they didn't give you an I've been brave sticker dad?" Bless :-)

Right, time to stop mooching about and get myself ready to confront the latest hurdle.

More later, as always!

Feeling sorry for myself

I suppose that is only natural? Boy am I p1ssed off with it at the moment.

I've decided that the "I'm not dead yet" Tee Shirt and I are going down to the GPs. I need to raise my game here. I'm possibly even more upset than when I was diagnosed - I think it is the combination of things and the I'm getting and feeling better at last and this just stopping that feeling in its tracks.

Came over all unnecessary just then

I just had a bloody good cry. That little wave of emotion just came up and grabbed me. I wasn't expecting something like this I have to say. As it wasn't on my plan of how things are going to go that one really caught me full on the chin. High Glucose means one thing in my memory and that is diabetes. I suppose it may be nothing more than a warning signal and needs observation but it has shaken me to the core today.

If I wasn't paranoid that the "man was coming to get me" I might just be now. I have calmed down a bit and I'm going to go and sit quietly and go through some of my calming routines.

I've really had enough of being ill today and I was giving it the "why me?", "I don't deserve this" and all that old stuff.

Those of you who know me - will know this is just a temporary glitch and I'm going to be OK. I am just really feeling it today it's as if the last 10 months just crashed down on me after the phone call from the GP.

Worse things happen at sea of course!

That's nicely wiped out anything else I was planning to do today

Why is it everytime I build myself up and feel good some sod comes and rips it all down again. Damn it all.

That's my afternoon gone to pieces. Bloody hell.

Now What?

Oh sh1t - someting wrong with the blood tests - I need to go in again this afternoon to see the Doc. Repeat the blood tests - oh great!

What the hell else can be wrong?

That's It

My business VPN connection has been severed and I am now officially out of touch with my old company. Yesterday two more senior members resigned and so the after shocks reverberate on.

I have just cleaned off all my old files and shut down the laptop for the last time. A bit sad to see it go back into its case.

Back to Salt

There is a news report on the BBC web site today all about reducing salt and the subsequent reduction in heart disease. CLICK HERE to go to the web site and read the details.

Yesterday I was out in the evening as well as pigging out on a cooked breakfast earlier in the day - on both occasions the salt was left well alone but I did use some pepper. You can get used to it but they initial shock to the system is amazing as none of your food tastes right for perhaps a week or so.

Some people are SO nice

And I mean that without my normal cynical edge. Tonight there were a lot of people delighted about my news and I'm glad that they are glad to hear it. Another friend wasn't there tonight and that was particularly sad news. Seriously bad reactions to the chemotherapy and I'm really sad about that. Now what do I do when I drop a note to him? Tell him that I'm getting better? I don't think so. Not sure what to say as it is really serious and I was trying to work out what I found encouraging or helpful in the dark times myself?

Even I find it difficult to know what to say to someone suffering with a higher graded cancer than my own and there I was moaning about it earlier. I'm guessing I can do the emphatizing bit and I'm guessing that my glimmers of a recovery could be used as grab points.

Again, you feel pretty helpless at times like this.

The Habitual Patient

I couldn't quite get the hang of this but it sounded like someone was in every day to have their blood taken - every day!!! What on earth is that about? And someone was chatting away matter of fact about all the procedures and things that were wrong with her and I was thinking - here am I complaining about having 3 tests in 6 weeks (actually that IS a lot) and of course two last year. I suppose I should think myself lucky that the last time I was tested was 12 years or more and 30 years before that.

I hope that I don't have any other health problems as I don't think I could stand being a habitual patient and moving from GP to Hospital to clinic and being able to reference my days by what place I was going and what procedure I was having.

I need to remember that there are lot of people far worse off than I am.

My Theory - Old People at the Blood Clinic this morning

Perhaps they were my age when they arrived but they could never find a number and have been wandering around the corridors ever since? If I'd have waited any longer I would have been able to pull my bus pass and get a free ride home.

Roll on being Grandpa Simpson.

The Full Monty - in praise of the good old Greasy Spoon Cafe

After having my blood taken I was walking home and there was the local cafe. It's a nice little place, very clean and tidy, nice people and it does a good range of good honest, no frills, no fuss food.

So - hugely disappointed that I hadn't even got an "I've been a brave boy" sticker for my bravery in having my blood test, I thought I'll go and treat myself. Now as a treat, having food may not seem particularly high up on the list. A New Car, a holiday perhaps but food?

Of course. There is nothing like a good full Monty, full blow out English Breakfast is there? They'd just checked my cholesterol and all the other stuff and lets face it, I've been eating like a test pilot for Weight Watchers this past 6 weeks! So I decided that my treat for not only being a brave boy but also to be a little naughty and get those blood sugars and cholesterol back up to where they should be I'd go for the breakfast that working men quake in their boots when they see it. Yes - The Full Monty. I wasn't disappointed either. Two rounds of toast with an ocean of salted butter atop them. Two fried eggs, two rashers of back bacon, two pork sausages, baked beans and - yes - bubble (for the uninitiated - Bubble and Squeak - sort of like a hash brown but with onion and /or leek in it). The oval plate was covered, you couldn't see the porcelain beneath the whole plate and there is something about busting a couple of fried eggs open and letting the yolk mingle with the bean juice that just says - Knoshing Irons to the ready - PIG OUT!!!!

I duly pigged out and of course you have to use your bread or toast to mop up all the juice.

I reckon I have consumed enough salt and sugar to keep me going for a month but hey - it really is only every now and then. It sure made up for the waiting about for the blood test and breaking my fast too.

Long live the Greasy Spoon and the Full Monty say I!

Bugger me what was all that about

Fast overnight and go to the local Hospital to get your blood tested - no problem here is the envelope thingy.

It was like the first day at a clearance sale. I got there bang on time - I had a lovely slow walk along roads that I have never walked down before (I've lived around here most of my life) and it was like the doors swung open and I followed the crowd. Then it said take a number - where are the numbers? On the Table says the old dear next to me so I walked back but they weren't there today - oh no they are in between all of the chairs where people are already having their blood taken. So I got No.26 - Yes that's what I thought. Then there is the warning notice that it is ALWAYS BUSY FIRST THING IN THE MORNING - Oh great!

So I stuck on the music and waited - and waited and - oh you get the picture. About 9:30 I suppose I got called in so I had waited an hour. The chap who did my blood was a nice lad and I was done in a few minutes. I just close my eyes and go into deep breathing and off to my quiet place (we did this in hypnotherapy) I have a nice lake all to myself with mountains and a pine forest and all that, the water laps slowly and rhythmically on the shore.

In the next post I shall share with you my reward :-) Fasting since 8 pm (or earlier in fact) the night before and then going into this chaos was not my idea of an good morning. However it is over now and I shall make sarcastic reference to this when I speak to my GP tomorrow.

Knowing how I am with Hospitals and Doctors I think he may understand why I was less than impressed with the rosy picture painted. I reckon if I had gone back late morning it would have been clearer and they say after 2 pm it is the best time.

It's OK to be scared sh1tless

I was reading in another forum how frightened someone was of having a cystoscopy. I think if you've read my stuff you probably know how downright scary some of this stuff can be and I'm your worst for anything like that. I think that my recent hypnotherapy went a long way to take away some of the worry but I did feel for this particular person.

It is easily the most terrifying thing I've ever had happen to me. The stress leading up to any of the procedures is pressure you can hardly imagine. The nerves and the fright and being scared and not having any sleep or being frightened to go to sleep are all part of the territory of this and I imagine any serious disease.

Because of how they get to see inside your bladder whether male or female and that in some cases they do that whilst you are awake and with a local anaesthetic is again a trauma all of its own.

So I felt so sorry for this person who was about to have this done and who you could read in between the lines was emotionally drained and perhaps even being physically sick.

There's a sort of thing people say to you about you "being brave" and actually, if the truth be known you are quaking and scared to pieces. We each have to find our ways to deal with this and that really is part of every persons own battle with their disease, their staging and their recovery. Some people just get on and let it happen to them, others like me get on with it and use various techniques (including denial I'm sure) to get on with it. Just writing this makes me feel slightly uneasy.

I've gone a long way around saying that it is OK to be scared and to be frightened and it is a natural thing to feel apprehensive about some of these procedures. Sure, there are worse things that can happen to you (someone told me that but I doubt that they'd ever had an IVU) but it is YOU going through these and it is how it affects you that matters.

If there is any consolation, it is that the human body amazes me every time. It is 1 week since my operation and whilst I feel some small discomfort - you'd hardly know. I do of course :-)

Remarkably Calm

Considering I have to go and give blood tomorrow. My blood pressure is slightly higher and yet my pulse rate is down. I'm not allowed to eat until afterwards and only drink water.

I shall see what it is like tomorrow as I am going to go to the other Hospital near me. I didn't fancy returning to the scene of the crime and so the other one is smaller and about the same walking distance so I'll try that.

Whilst I'm not looking forward to it, I'm not dreading the visit. My hypnotherapy man seems to have done a neat trick turning this sort of stuff into positives. Neither am I going to go accompanied, I think I have to learn to do these things on my own.

I don't fancy having to do this regularly though, nor do I really like the idea of being on any kind of drugs at all. Especially as these ones will be for - potentially - the rest of my life unless all the cumulative effects of my life style changes bring everything back to a reasonable level.

I should thank my lucky stars that my blood pressure problems were found as a result of the cancer I suppose - otherwise I could have been in serious trouble with my Blood Pressure being that high.

An Honest Day's Work

What on earth is that? Honest day - sound like an Employer's phrase to me...

I did some work today that I hadn't done for years and it was (sort of) enjoyable in a strange round about way. I don't suppose that digging around PCs and cabling and grubbing around under desks is everyone's cup of tea but I enjoyed it.

The report writing at the end of it is a bit of a blow but you have to do that too. It takes me back a few years I can tell you.