Scar Wars VIII - Keeping a Sense of Tumour

A Long Time Ago, In a Galaxy Far, Far Away

Our Hero Undertakes One More Mission.

Darth Urologist sets out to Sound the All Clear but Instead

Tackles a Minor Insurgent in the Realms of Bl'dar

More Sequels Than Rocky or Halloween, Will This Story Never End?

Welcome to Scar Wars VIII - Keeping a Sense of Tumour or

“Where does that pipe go?

NO....You have got to be kidding!” 

Anything can happen in the next 30 minutes warned the Commander of Stingray and to some extent that's about what happened to Dave-Sky-Nando (tm)* on a sunny day in April 2010.

Packing my bag and walking to the Hospital on my own for the first time were parts of my strategy to just get on and see the procedure through.  It was a sunny day and my MP3 player pumped out some decent old music, if you like Kansas that is?  I changed Players once I was there as they sat me in with a whole host of other people waiting to be allocated beds.  As my old Jedi master Only One Bed Only used to say, Hospitals are just people factories, you get used to this and I should “Be mindful of the Force”.   In fact in 5 minutes I was escorted to my trolley and curtained off area and got changed into the NHS Gown.  They are certainly a little better than they used to be and at least cover up part of your modesty these days.  My other MP3 player was set up with quiet relaxing music and classical passages just to let me take things easier.  This time I had taken 2 MP3 Players as last time I had run out of battery power on one – this time I was not going to be without for lack of battery power.

I was relatively happy in my own little world, my blood pressure was through the roof – no change there then and on a second go it was down to slightly above abnormal.  We went through the usual check lists.  Loose limbs, Dentures, WMD, Grenades, cluster bombs, liquids, political news papers and pamphlets, crossword book and so on.  After they are convinced that none of these are in fact camouflaged under your gown you are left alone to get on with things.  I am happy with my own company, always have been.  Leave me with an MP3 player and I’ll be OK and so it proved except the Nurse who checks every now and then that you haven’t escaped or smuggled someone or something in would keep leaving the curtains open much to the distress of the guy opposite me who looked as if he was going to be shot.  So frightened was he poor lad and his companion had the devils own job to calm him down.  Me?  I'm an old pro at this.  I’m terrified but don't let on – only my heart rate and blood pressure give it away.   Ideally I’d liked to have had a few Prozac to wash down before I got there but that wasn't to be unfortunately.

The Anaesthetist turns up and we go through a series of similar Q&As and he leaves satisfied that he will see me in theatre.

My consultant D’Arth Urologist arrives.  I have every confidence in her – she is a matter of fact, charismatic, authoritative and highly respected.  I chat knowingly about what is going to happen and we say how quick it comes around and was it only last August I saw you dah de dah.  Then she says “we normally let you go on the day don’t we?”  Well, this is my chance to score one in the back of the net.  “No” I say “the last two times I’ve ended up with a catheter wedged into me and only once in all the times I’ve been did you ever get me out on the same day”.  She made to look at the notes – “Perhaps you had an enlarged Prostate?”  “Not to my knowledge” I said.  She looked through the notes further and then we discussed the consent form which I signed and she said she would see me later.  A brief smile and she was gone.

The Nurse decided on a couple more occasions to leave my curtains open which I quickly closed.  I have no idea why they want to do that – just leave me the “**** alone!” I think to myself.    The last thing I want is anyone looking at me or catching my eye.  I deal with these things better when I am in my own little world, my own bubble if you like.

As often happens, temptation in the devil’s disguise as the lunch trolley rattled noisily (too noisily) past our ward smelling quite good for Hospital food, that was followed by the drinks trolley and the general clatter associated with dishing up meals, cutlery clinking and crockery ringing.  Thanks guys we really need that when we haven’t eaten for sodding ages.  It was like the old system where we were sat next to the water dispenser – you know the ones with the water bottle that gurgles away.  Just what you need when you aren’t allowed any and people are coming in past you helping themselves and slurping away at the ice cold water. 

I’m disturbed by a Hip Doctor.  Now I don’t mean that he was wearing 60s clothes or anything like that, although in hindsight it would have improved the corduroy and stethoscope look a lot I reckon.   He picked up my notes; I switched off my MP3 player and made a show of looking as if I was sitting upright.

He looked puzzled.  Asked me if I was someone – who I assured him I was most definitely not.  “Not having a Hip Replacement?” he asked again I assured him that “Not that I was aware of”.  “She said it was here on the right – I wonder where he is?”  With that obvious whimsical rhetoric he departed my curtained area and proceeded to across the Ward where I heard him say “Ah, found you, good.  Nearly gave your Hip to some chap over the other side.  Glad I found you now.......”  I switched my MP3 player back on and remember thinking to myself how I'd probably prefer to have what I was having done rather than what he was.  Mind you isn't it amazing that you can get new Hip and Knee joints – that is just brilliant.

So back to me.  I know that there’s about an hour to go and so dash off to the toilet and get myself sorted out.  I’ve been drinking water steadily all morning so that I am hydrated properly as I’ll need to keep lubricating my bladder after the operation and it helps not to be dried out like I have been before.  They came for me about 1:45 I suppose – I know I was going into Theatre 4 (my usual one) at 1:50 and I would have been out by 2 pm. 

The prep guys were OK they normally are and we had a bit of a laugh especially when I told them I worked for a charity and they looked at each other and smiled and said “SO DO WE!!” very good.  The cannula went in on a 9/10 and I said it was one of the better ones.  Slightly further towards my wrist than normal but it was OK.  I grabbed some Oxygen and that was the last I remember of the day. 

Waking up I eagerly grabbed some water from the Nurse and eased my hand down and checked – ahhhhh joy of joys no Catheter thank goodness for that.  It felt like I wanted to urinate but that couldn’t be as they normally drain you out afterwards.  They had no beds and so I lay there for ages.  They moved me down the ward towards the exit.  I still wanted to go but the nurse and I agreed that it would be a surprise if that were so. 

I then felt really uncomfortable and asked whether they could make me a bit more comfortable.  Yes indeed they tipped me back.  The explanation is there is a slider sheet under me and if they tipped me forward I’d spill onto the floor.  My consultant arrived and delivered what is now the shock news that everything looked OK but that there was a very small tumour inside and that she had whipped that out.  It just seemed a throw away statement and so I shrugged my shoulders and said thanks.  She then said – you can go home when you feel up to it?  Now that did give me a lift. 

However as she walked away I got some real pains in my bladder area and I said to the nurse, I just feel that I need to urinate – he got me a bottle and pulled the curtains.  I have never felt SO RELIEVED as I was then.  I filled the bottle up almost to the spout – no wonder I was uncomfortable.  I don’t know whether my strategy to hydrate had paid off or whether they had left some stuff inside me to work after the surgery?  Who knows?  It was the best piss in the world and it didn’t hurt either.  That was to come later.

Finally they moved me to Ward 5 a surgery ward and the nurse there was lovely and really looked after me.  Getting between the Trolley and my Bed was a bit of an adventure as the Oxygen Mask was still connected as was the Plasma to the back of my hand.  That wasn’t an issue but as I got off the trolley the air pipe lifted up my operation gown so as I said “That was achieved with a total lack of dignity and decorum!”

I had to wait a while until they came with some food – well that’s what they called it and I had that, a drink and then all I wanted to do was go home.  They came and got the Cannula out – what a relief that is.  Then gave me my clothes so I got changed and texted Mrs. F.  As I sent the text Mrs. F. Cruised into view and was surprised that I was ready to go.  I said I’d walk home with her “No she insisted, if I fell over she couldn’t move me and I’d just had a general anaesthetic!”  Of course I wasn’t thinking clearly.  I checked with the nurses that all was Ok and Mrs. F. got the car, collected me at reception and drove me home.  I was home 8 hours after I had left in the morning.  That’s the earliest ever and yet they had taken out the tumour too.  I felt the best I have ever felt after one of these operations.  Sure it hurt urinating for 12 – 18 hours afterwards but you can manage that when you are home.  In your own bed and in familiar surroundings are the best place to be.

It looks as Dave-Sky-Nando (tm) * will be continuing to make visits to the Hospital and the story will go on beyond today and a new page has begun.   There will be more Scar Wars episodes and there will be a journey to continue to travel along.  It just goes to show, you can think you are doing so well and have made huge strides and great progress and Bladder Cancer, the little tinker, can come back and recur.  The good news, as we should all know by now is that it is controllable and with amazing professionals like my Consultant, things are manageable and treatable.

 

Dave-Sky-Nando (tm) * A creation of Steve Kelley Inc. :-)

 

 

 

Wanting to do something rash

I get like this occasionally - I need to go and do something to excess knowing full well that it wont actually do me any good but will allow me to vent my anger and fury and frustration.  I'm actually going out for a beer with an old friend of mine = he is coming over by bus which is a good move as the SG of the beer we are going to have is a whopping 7.3%  That's pretty strong stuff let me tell you.

So a few pints and I won't be up for anything stupid as the alcohol will probably have killed off all my brain cells anyway.

I feel most strange this weekend - perhaps it is because I am reading the CVs of my potential successors or perhaps the nagging in my brain is getting to me or maybe just some other melancholia to do with that.

Even listening to a bit of loud music isn't helping me at the moment.  

Sleep

Well, it didn't end up quite like I expected it to.  I got to bed and had a flash back of the claustrophobia bit I suffered last year and that made me feel quite ill and then the black puppy (it wasn't the Black Dog) came and sowed a little seed of doubt in my mind and for 10 to 20 minutes I came back into my office and just did some deep breathing and a bit of rationalising in my head.

I suppose I was just disappointed about things and the outcome and apprehensive as to what this now means to me.   I'm pre-empting the meeting and what the outcome of that meeting will be and indeed the prognosis.  I was planning ahead for full BCGs and goodness knows what else.  

I realise that I will be having a lot more operations than I thought I would need but there's the rub. 

I was doing quite well until that little voice in my head started.  So far it is a mere whisper and I hope it stays that way.    

What if....

Well what if indeed.  You can't play what if in reality can you, I cannot second guess my Consultant and I think Ii wont but I will mentally prepare myself for something along the lines of a complete re-run of the BCG Treatment and that will include all the Cystocopies along the way too.

I've already resolved that I won't get rid of those for a long time now having found one thing then it seems the right thing to do to be able to keep looking and to keep a close eye on me.

Off to bed now to try and get a good night's sleep in - I have been awake between 2 and 4 most nights and I suppose as I am drinking a lot still to wash out my bladder I need to keep going to the toilet a lot more.

You Read into these things what you will

A letter arrived from the Hospital today.  My OPA is 6th May.  This is perhaps the first time that I have not had to ask where the appointment is.  It arrived just 4 days after the Operation and so I'm thinking, I NEED to be seen and the next steps discussed.

It clashes with something I am already doing but that has just had to be pushed out of the way.  I just have to attend this as somehow the speed of delivery has determined my response.  The results can't be known yet but I'm sure that there is a strategy for dealing with this.  It is also one of those things where "they" were probably expecting some sort of recurrence and I wasn't.

It has been funny the reaction to it so far.  For example I just bumped into my next door neighbour who, having survived lung cancer (having his lung removed) looked devastated and seemed really worried that I might be breathing my last.   Many others are very concerned and in reality, there is a lot to play for yet here.  Consider if you will that I still have the options of treatment and I guess radical surgery if needed, then we are not in an end game situation at all.  

I read into my letter that my consultant needs to see me sooner rather than later.  That this meeting is important yet far enough away not to be urgent.  It shows that just three weeks afterwards there will be a considered decision about the way forward.   That's positive and I will not be worrying (yes I am worrying at the back of my mind - of course I am) or waiting for it to drag out before telling me.

There is a bit of me that thinks this is really bad news - perhaps 1 or 2% of my brain is saying that.  The remainder of my brain and most of my being suggests that - it is serious but not the end of the world or anything more serious than that.

More Coffee

My Business Partner is arriving this morning and we are going to try the little Deli that has opened up in the Village and see what their coffee making skills are like.  It probably isn't up to Costa's Baristas standards but lets give it a try anyway.  

We have lots to discuss about the next 6 months and what we need to do to get us across the finish line.  Ideally we need to have finance by then and a good plan to go forward with.   I am getting pretty excited about this opportunity and the chance to cut loose and go for it.  I really want this to be a success but if it isn't then I want to say that I gave it a go.

I'm not too concerned about having to have treatment during this time but I am concerned about the fragmented state of my diary.  That needs me to be pretty ruthless after May to put as much time as possible in to the business.

I can smell the coffee already - looking forward to it.

Energy and Commitment

I wonder whether the operation was some sort of milestone in my planning that somehow has sparked off a "new me".  I'm somehow a different me again.  I'm upbeat, looking forward and I'm feeling optimistic about the future.  I am looking forward to taking a risk and seeing if I can get this idea of ours under way and funded.  

I hear it in my friend's voices, their concern over the recurrence and yet, I don't feel that it is quite as bad as it sounds.  I suppose it isn't if it is your voice and your head thinking around the ideas.  Bless them, they sound worried and yet, I don't believe it is something that you can worry about.  I'm under observation and in the hands of a specialist who will advise what is right for me when we next meet.  I think the only things I need to know are what treatments are there going to be so I can plan my way around them.  One of the key things I must do is to get some time together with my business partner and plan the way ahead in more detail.  Any treatment would just mean I have to set my plans a little differently especially if I am on some full blown treatment again.

I really feel well and I just want to get on and get things sorted.  I think I've come to terms with leaving my job albeit I am going to be retained for a while and I am certain that by only doing strategic work it will be better for me in terms of using my mind and solving problems.

It still amazes me how integrated I became to the organisation in just 2 years.  At least I can still help even from afar and I even did about 3 hours work today remotely on the web site upgrades - well it kept me busy :-)

Flocky Coffee

Nice of Flocky to come over and buy me a nice cup of Costa Coffee and a sandwich.  Good to get out and about a bit.

I'm feeling well enough to perhaps go out to a meeting tomorrow evening that originally I thought I would miss.

Happy days - I'm not as bad as I have been - or perhaps that is just a false dawn and I'll regret it later this week?

New Day New Attitude

I'm analysing this on the blog to see if I can rationalise it.

I keep wondering what just happened to me?  I surprise myself sometimes by being so positive when I thought I'd probably be quite down and not so able to cope with a recurrence.   The reality is that I'm not in the slightest bit upset about it - perhaps I'm in some sort of denial (no that's not a river in Egypt!).  

Could that be it?  All bravado and a show of courage, the last act of defiance?  No I don't think it is that entirely either.  I suggested to a friend of mine that I must have gone through the outcomes in my mind before hand and worked out what it would mean.  I hadn't expected a tiny tumour at all - if anything it was going to be one of three outcomes:

1. Clear - we move to the next level of flexible cystoscopies
2. Presence of Cancer in many places - We go for BCG a complete round - 18 with 3 rigid Cystoscopies
3. There are tumours in here  - that are cut out (A TURBT) I wake up wired up and we go the round again or have the next conversation about losing the bladder.

Well it is a bit between 1 & 2 which is the strange thing.  Let's say 99% cancer free and one rogue tumour that we don't know the grade of.  That's still 99% of the bladder that is fine in my view of the world.

So perhaps that is it.  I suppose the only down side is that I will be in and out of Hospital a lot more and be back on these 6 monthly full procedures so I'd just better get used to it.

So where are we now

Some 24 hours later I find myself quite optimistic really.  It surprises me that I should be quite so upbeat but then I didn't get any bad vibes at all from my consultant and I got to go home earlier than ever before, I wasn't even required to do the usual 3 pees in a jug to go at all and remembering all my experiences before this was easily the least traumatic and least painful of them.  I know I've been pulled around as I can feel it, urinating is easier now and the fire and razor blades bit is all but gone.

So why so cheerful?  well - what's the worst that can happen?  A small growth that has happened since last August has been spotted and removed.  It was routine and along with the remaining random biopsies that were taken in an otherwise normal bladder will be examined and then I'll be given the details at the next consultation.   If I have to have treatment then I'll have to have treatment.  They may well have treated it on the spot anyway.  If it is a tiny isolated one then there may be a need for further scopes or some other sort of treatment.  Whatever it is, they caught this so early on that some sort of plan can be formulated.  It all depends on the grading of this tumour too.  My early ones were aggressive to say the least and were large.  This sounds so small that I didn't even need a catheter which is pretty good.

I remain positive and upbeat about the whole thing surprisingly enough and that has phased a few people but I know enough about this to know it is a set back but not a big one.  If the cancer was in a tiny area of the bladder and is nowhere else then things aren't so bad - it is if it is aggressive and recurrent I'll have to work on.

This also gives me further incentive to make even more radical changes to my life style.  I haven't eliminated things from my diet that could be carcinogens - sweeteners and pork and shellfish products.  Not that i eat lots of them.  However, I will be taking a long hard look now at what steps I am going to take to further assist my recovery and to make me healthier and more able to tackle anything that comes my way.

Somehow, in the back of my mind, I had half expected there to be a slight fall back or set back and hard as it may appear to take, it reinforces the very first conversation Ii had with my consultant - well she did most of the talking actually - saying that it was a rest of life thing, I'd always be being checked and tested and there is a high risk of recurrence and hence it was one of the most treatable of all cancers but also one that needs the most follow up and management.  Not wrong there.  Considering this was the 8th Operation I've had (although been gowned up for 9).  I've had a Flexible Cystoscopy,  An Intravenous X-Ray examination and I've had 18 or so BCGs (it could be more than that it may be as many as 24.  That is all in 45 months (3 3/4 years).  It just shows what you can get used to.

I brushed off some of my old music and took that into the Hospital with me - I'd forgotten how much I love this track by Kansas - Dust in the Wind - they don't make songs like this much these days.

Feeling Very Well

I'm surprised to say that I feel the best I have ever felt - is that because I got to sleep in my own bed? I don't feel bad about the small tumour at all. I was awake between 2 and 4 but played music for a while, thought too much and then went back to sleep.

Up now, showered and ache a bit. I'm not as sad, depressed or upset about the discovery as I thought I would be. It is small, it is an isolated incident and it isn't there any-more so still cancer free. If I have to have BCG then so be it, I know what to expect.

What I think I will have to resign myself to is more of these rigid Cystoscopy sessions. Ho Hum needs must.

I need to go and take a few paracetamol and Ibuprofen to see if I can ease the discomfort (let's call it) of peeing at the moment.

8 hours and 10 minutes later with a BUT

I'm home.  I'll tell more why in Scar War VIII but procedure was good and no catheter and no hanging around straight home - I could have been home in 6 hours!!! 

And the BUT????

A tumour - a recurrence - small, tiny, minute, itchy titchy but a tumour nonetheless and it was cut out but it must have been tiny as Ii could have been home in 6 hours and they didn't need all the usual.

Remember I said I'd query why I was being kept in overnight - well it was a totally opposite experience today.  The pain around my middle has just kicked in so off to bed.

I'm not as concerned as I felt I was going to be but a course of BCG does not thrill me at all I have to say.

10 Minutes

Packed and ready apart from what book to take.  I am reading a mega heavy history book on the Spanish Civil War but will I be able to concentrate on it?  Probably not if I think about it.

Anyway, all is ready - I have MP3 plugged in, spare batteries and I'm ready to head off and wander up to the Admissions Lounge.

Catch up with you later.

4 Hours

Had a light breakfast of poached eggs on toast washed down with my last coffee for a while.  Now on water and plugged into my MP3 player and playing solitaire on my PC which I'll do until everyone gets up when I will pack my holdall and get my paperwork together for later.   Once that is done I'll come back and sit here playing games and listening to music until it is time to go.

my mum said she'd call this morning - not sure why - I only spoke to her yesterday.

I'm quite OK in myself at the moment - pretty neutral - a little apprehensive but then it doesn't make much sense to worry as what will be will be (thanks Doris).   Things have moved on as I was pretty much terrified and traumatised the first time I went in.  I'd had 3 weeks of bleeding and was still reeling from the diagnosis and trying to work out what it all meant.

Now - well it is routine in a way.  I know what to expect, although they still have their own ways of p1ssing me off and annoying me the routine of getting there, into operating gown and so on is much as it has been and of course I've even had one cancelled on me too.

As Scar Wars VIII approaches I think that I am as prepared as I'll ever be.  I'm quietly confident about the results but not overly so.  I'm no longer going in expecting the worst, I'm hoping for good news but if it isn't well that will again be as it is going to be.

I'm also reflecting a lot on my life to date and considering the changes in fortune and also - strangely - why I do not appear to settle down in a job any more.  I suppose I wouldn't have the unique experience that I do if I had been in one or two jobs my whole life.  At the charity I've done what I always do which is pick up a change project and build a solid foundation for the next person to build on.  They can have the 9 to 5 job and the  day-to-day running and administration.

I find myself back where I was sometime ago (over 30 years in fact) of hating commuting, sitting on the same seat of the same train every day seeing the same people, doing everything in a routine way.   The routine of work is also something that is difficult to cope with the amount of time it takes to get things done is criminal but that is just the way it is.  Things don't move fast unless they have to.

Oh well - back to solitaire, music and water.

5 Hours to go

I am up and showered and first coffee in hand.  I have just moved the car to let A and her friend go on holiday.  They are camping down in Cornwall and have set off before 6 this morning to get around London's famous ring road the M25 and off away to the West Country.  Probably be As longest ever drive but we have insured her friend should needs be.  Let's hope it stays pleasant for them.

I'm sat at my PC, reviewing overnight progress as I ran a series of maintenance tests on it.  It appears to be a little better this morning.  

My friend is back from China and I spoke to him yesterday - he is recharged - which is great and I hope we will meet up later this week to set out a strategy for the next 6 months work.  It is now my turn to hang around and wait whilst I am having this procedure and recovering and to get my replacement at work.  Once she/he is in place it will be much easier for me to sort out my net 6 months timetable and to get myself going.  At the moment it is very much like the phoney war.  We are both ready to get going but are just holding back and waiting.  We are coiled springs and I just want to give this a go.  But first things first.

I actually need to have some sort of physical break before I get going on my new venture.  That would make logical sense to forget one thing and get ready for the next.  I'm playing with the idea of a week away to do that.  The trouble is my diary is a mess until t2ndhe  part of June.  Maybe I can move things around.

So back to today.  I am having a coffee and one of my heart pills before going down to work out what "light breakfast" I will have.  Maybe scrambled egg or poached eggs will be good.  I can then start drinking water after 7:30 and it is only 6:15 now.

No doubt I will post another blog before I go into Hospital.   I will leave here about 11 which will get me there before the 11:30 deadline and then it will be a case of hanging around and waiting for them to come and get me.  

Watching the Golf

Worked quite well.  The Masters always looks the most wonderful place to visit at this time of year.  Not quite the outcome we wanted with Lee coming 2nd but Phil played brilliant Golf to win - good for him.

I have kept hydrated - more than I normally do.  I know that after 11:30 tomorrow I won't get a drink for a good 3 or 4 hours and so making sure I have plenty now will, I hope, help out.  These days you can continue drinking clear liquids (ie water) right up to the time of going in.  I shall do that as I found last time it did help a lot.

I read the paperwork - it still reckons you can be out on the same day - but that is without the biopsies just the rigid cystocopy.  With 6 biopsies my poor old bladder resembles a blocked sieve so I am not expecting to be out on Monday evening.  In fact I think I will challenge them this time as they always say you can but never deliver.  I suppose it is a bit like they have to tell you all the risks but they are unlikely to happen they can also tell you that your car does 0 to 60 in 5 seconds but there isn't enough road in suburbia to actually try it out?

I'm sitting in my office at the moment.  I plan to get up at my normal time of 5:20 just 5 hours away and have a shower.  I can then see of my daughter who is going camping for the week at about 6 am.  I can have a light breakfast and set myself up for the morning and then lock myself in my room for a couple of hours just playing music and PC games up to the point of going to the Hospital.  I intend to walk there on my own and go in on my own only in as much as poor old Mrs. F. doesnt get a word out of me apart from some mumbling and I switch my MP3 player on and try and breathe properly and relax - which for me - as we all know - is pretty difficult because that is just the way I'm built.

This way Mrs. F.  and L can go out and about and they can phone up later on and see how I have got on.  They can then come and see me at visiting time and that will be good.  At least that way we all feel OK about what is going to happen.  From my side of things I think I'd prefer it.  Mrs. F. used to come to most things with me but it is much better that I go to these myself as I am very much inside my own bubble when I go there and really don't want or need company.

My PC is playing up and I spent a lot of time messing around with it earlier today.  I think I'll set a few diagnostics going and get off to bed now.

Distraction Routine

I'm doing anything to keep myself doing things today - sorting out the computers, finding a book to take in tomorrow (that I haven't already read but will be easy enough to read), making sure I have cleaned my office, filed some papers and generally just pottering about at home.

Tomorrow will be worse as there wont be much to do apart from waiting around and going through endless check lists at the Hospital and being interrupted every few minutes by nurses, anaesthetists, junior doctors, consultants etc.  Just when you get to settle down and relax someone pulls the curtain open and jolts you into attention.  I just want it over now.  I recollect being really on edge the first time as we didn't know how far the cancer was in my bladder and it was all just a terrifying ride towards getting into Hospital, a horrible wait and then getting prepared for the operation and waking up in a mess.

It isn't that bad, I will sleep at least tonight and will be up early but I don't want my mind playing about too much today though so being busy is good.

Not long to go now

I have my music sorted, spare batteries and spare MP3 player - I might even take a book this time to wile away the hours.  In fact anything to distract me from the utter boredom of sitting down doing nothing whilst they fanny around playing bed poker so that they can squeeze the government's figures...

I know - a somewhat jaundiced and cynical view but they did play silly buggers on a number of occasions so that they protected the beds.  

Ii just want this to be over so I can choose my successor and get them sorted out, sort out my contract and get going on my new venture.  It feels a bit phoney at the moment.  my business partner is currently in China and arrives back late tomorrow and so I probably wont see him until later in the week.  Which reminds me I have my far flung cousins fropping by on Friday to see me - if I am up to it.

Anyway - the upshot is that this is a major milestone in my plans and so I am hoping to get it out of the way ASAP and also to be able to see a big step in my condition.  Ideally a move away from these 6 monthly full rigid cystoscopies towards the flexible ones - they aren't pleasant but at least they are bearable and over in a a matter of minutes rather than having to go through all the rigmarole of pre-assessment and then a general anaesthetic and operation and all the other stuff too.

Someone I know back on BCG

A person I know who had Bladder Cancer had disappointing results and is back on a full term of BCG - that is 12 - two courses of 6 at a time which I can tell you is pretty tough going.  The first one always seems to be easy but blow me the ones after that just seem to beat you up more and more.  Having said that - not always - sometimes you can get a mild reaction too.

I don't envy him his treatment - he is a pragmatic guy and will get on with it.  I wont see him for a little while - I just wished him all the best as he did for my procedure on Monday.

Because who knows what will happen

I thought it was a telling moment when I suggested that Monday's result could be a lot worse than the positive outcome I hope it will be.  This far in you don't balance it out like you used to.  I used to expect bad news and be delighted with the good.  Now I would very much hope that I am stable and there has been no deterioration in my condition, certainly no cancerous or precancerous cells in the results.  But what if there were?  What then?

None of us can predict the future - so I wonder whether you have to live every moment on the edge or play the middle road or just be careful all the time.  There isn't a right answer but if you knew you were going to die at a certain day and date - would you spend all your money and make it run out the day before :-)   Should you always be cautious and eat the right things or should you cast that aside and fill yourself up with your favourite things?  Excess in moderation perhaps?

I'm sure that debate could roll on for years but it was important that I get the point over to certain people that the results are by no means set in stone or a done deal.  things could go horribly wrong.  Now where's my beer and caviar?

The Countdown starts now

I decided not to go into work tomorrow - I just don't feel like it at all.  I feel a little down after the experience at the GPs.  I have to readjust my mindset to let things take their course next week - I cannot influence it - just sit there and lump it and get on with it - it will happen in their time and not mine.

That's the trouble of being a control freak - things are completely out of your control or influence.  

Ho hum....

 

The Crazy World of the GP Surgery

They are utterly barmy these people.  They make appointments and then fail to meet them, boil you alive in the hottest waiting room in the known Universe.  After 40 minutes wait - why can't you tell me when i check in you are running late???  How difficult would that be?  I could have gone across the road to the pub!

So then the PCs are running a new system so you can't see my notes about my white coat syndrome.  Then the BP machine doesn't work three times, then you try the other arm then it almost goes off the scale.  "ooohh that's high!"  Yea right no shit Sherlock!!!  The second go it comes down a lot.  But can you see my notes about the blood test - have you had it done - well yes on Tuesday actually.  Oh my notes don't say I am going into Hospital on Monday then?

Joined up communication.  It beggars belief.  Anyway, I finally got them to write down yet again that I have white coat syndrome.  They want to see me again.  Not sure if I'll bother - I might as well do my own readings and post them through once a month so they have them rather than do this one point in time stress inducing bollocks they put me through.  

Me, unhappy?  Whatever gave you that idea?

Work - Busy old day today

I have lots to get done but to add to things it is Jazz night tonight and I haven't been since January.  My friend from Denmark turned up with his friend and we HAD to go to lunch with consists mainly of beer.  Wow I got a huge bear hug off of him.  He nearly died last year and I guess we were really glad to see each other in such rude health.    Then another colleague turned up and blow me someone wanted to buy me a beer at 4 so I left the office grabbed a beer, said helloe to them, shot back a beer, got the train and promptly fell asleep until the station and wandered home ready to woof down some dinner and then go out for more beer drinking.  It is looking like my 3 or 4 units of beer a week admission to the Hospital is way out :-)

I have to be back tomorrow afternoon to get my Blood Pressure done by the doctor..  That will be fun!  Not...  

Well that WAS a surprise

This will be Scar Wars VIII as I did VII last August.  Good grief - here is the LINK.  I just hope I can think of something half as amusing for this one.  I will be all Scar Warred out if they keep taking me into Hospital...

My goodness - 8 operations (2 of them big ones) and all in less than 4 years plus the IVP procedure and flexible.  That's about 10 of these plus all the BCGs I've had too and all the visits, pre assessments, blood tests and all that stuff.  

At least I am still here so I ought to keep it in perspective and I suppose that it is still a lot better than it looked back in 2006 - a hell of a lot better.

I must go back and re-read some of my earlier posts if only to see what I was prattling on about 6 months or a year ago.  It is strange how things have moved on since then.

Where does the time go to

I find that the most interesting thing about going into Hospital is that I get to think back on the initial diagnosis and the treatment.  The horror of it all comes back and it just isn't like that any more.   It really is amazing to think that it was June/July 2006 - almost 4 years ago now.  It seems like I could account for maybe 3 years but 4 just seems way out.

I will be able to do a retrospective if things are affright this time.  I must also get myself along to the quacks and get my blood pressure taken so they can continue to write me out prescriptions for my BP medicines.

It is funny going to the Hospital and chatting away with the nurses who know that you know the ropes and we just get on and do it.  She is aware of my high blood pressure and high heart rate and all that and it is more a passing the time of day conversation these days.

It was a lovely day and the walk to and from the hospital was really pleasant.  

I'm off to work tomorrow and then need to sort myself out for the next few weeks working from home I suppose.  All good fun - not.  Let's just hope that my consultant does my biopsies and they I don't end up with a Catheter in again like last time and the time before.  How on earth you could abide them for longer than 24 or 48 hours I don't know.  I'd be a sh1t patient if I had to have one for any longer...

All OK

Clear to go in next Monday - the usual high blood pressure and high heart rate but other than that, I seem to be fit enough to go in for another rigid cystoscopy.   For the last three times it was thought to be the last one and in a way, I managed to get myself through the procedure telling myself that.  

I hate having to go in for these things.  No matter what you think about it - it is traumatic and upsetting painful but you can live with that, damn uncomfortable - I can't even begin to describe the feeling inside as everything settles back into place again - yuk!  Yes, I can now begin to start psyching myself up for going in and also trying to keep down the dark thoughts at the same time.

So here we go for another ride through to what must be Scar Wars VII?  I need to go and check.  I couldn't even remember when I had cancer this morning when chatting to the doctor :-)  I said 2007 but in reality is was 2006 wasn't it.  I wasn't thinking clearly at all.

It never fails to amaze me

How the nerves kick in before going into Hospital.  I though I was fine with this by now but just noticed heart racing, slight shortage of breath and that adrenaline rush and slight dryness at the back of my throat.

I suppose the thing is you never really get over this - of course this time next week - it will all be over but even so, the kiddology has to run out somewhere and an hour before I get checked over, here it is.

I'll walk up there in about 20 minutes or so and my appointment is at 10.  That is pretty good as I should be the 2nd or 3rd one in.  I should be home by 11 or so with any luck.

All I need to do now is get my mind back to remembering this is all for my benefit and all for my well-being.  

Family Around

Yesterday for A's birthday - I then found out the Mrs. F. L and A area all running in the Race for Life fund raiser for Cancer Research.  Gulp!

It was a lovely day - we did a roast lunch and had plenty of beers, wine and the like flowing.  

I have my pre-assessment tomorrow and my cough is still around.  It isn't bad but it is still there.  I hope that it will not mean a postponement of my procedure.  I really want this all out of the way before I get cracking on my new venture.

It is almost the end of my tenure as Secretary of one of the largest Lodges in Kent.  With close to 195 members it has some unique challenges.  June will be my last meeting and after 6 years I am ready to give up and take a back seat for a while.   It will also free me up from much of the additional work I have to do at home.  I've kept that going throughout all my time with Bladder cancer which has taken 4 years out of the 6.  I'm quite pleased that I kept doing it rather than dropping it.  

Easter Eggs and English Weather

We always discuss the weather as we have so much of it.  It was raining overnight and this morning and the ground was just too wet to put the eggs out.  So for the 3rd year we held it inside and that was OK as there were more kids this year, A and L face painted the kids which was nice.   The bigger crowds meant we raised a few hundred pounds for the old people's home and blow me if, as we cleared away, the sun came out and by mid afternoon it was a warm spring day....  Damn!

I'm a bit worried that my cough will not clear up by Tuesday when I go for my pre-assessment.  I hope that I can beat it by then.  We have family over tomorrow to celebrate A's 20th birthday which was actually today.  I imagine that we will have a great time and I can get stuck in cooking in the kitchen - lamb and gammon I think are on the menu.  I have some nice beers cooling in the new American Style Fridge in the utility room plus a few rather pleasant wines awaiting my guests.  

I should have wandered up the road earlier to the deli and got some cheese for afterwards but totally forgot about it.

Easter Eggs

Tomorrow we go and set up the Easter Egg Hunt and it looks like for the 3rd year in 15 (and in a row) we will have to hold it indoors as the weather is inclement.  It is such a shame as the gardens are extensive and it would be good to be able to hide the thousands of chocolate eggs.

My cough is still with me but whilst it sounds bad it isn't doing any damage to my chest or frame like it was earlier in the week.

I am hoping that I can get plenty of things done this week coming as the week after I am in Hospital.  I wont be feeling like doing much as I mooch around on the days before the operation.   I had better show my face at the office as the train strike is now off.  I have to do my pre-assessment on Tuesday so I hope my cough has gone by then or they will look dimly on taking me in and I don't want that.

I hear a lot from people who have got over cancer only to get another one.  That is all a bit worrying.  I suppose, in fairness, many are a lot older than me and perhaps that is just something to look forward to in my old age....  Gee I hope not - 1 lot is enough for a lifetime - I am not sure quite how I'd cope with another lot.  No use worrying about it I suppose.  I'm still amazed that they use this 5 year figure all the time.  There are reports on TV and News all the time and they are always quoted in survival rates.  For example I heard today that 8 out of 10 (80%) of women who get Breast Cancer are alive 5 years after diagnosis.  A 4 in 5 chance that you will survive.  Bladder Cancer is a little bit better but 80% is pretty good odds if you think about it.  It never quite works though - if they gave some 10 year figures that might be useful too?  It almost sounds that if you make it past 5 years you did well?  What happens then?

Anyway - Friday night and a big day tomorrow so better get to bed and get some proper sleep.

Off for Easter

It will be good to get some time off.  I have this hacking cough still that doesn't seem to want to go away.  There is a national train strike next week which looks as if it means I will work from home all next week.

Today I posted out my job description to a number of people and nationally - it may look a bit strange that the present incumbent is asking for his replacement and yet to me probably it is the right thing to do.  There is a high incidence of a stomach bug going around at work and so many people are off at the moment.  

I could certainly do without this cough it is driving me mad :-)

Hospital looms large now but before then is the annual Easter Egg hunt which will I hope be held in drier conditions than last year.  In fact in 15 odd years the last couple have been particularly bad.

Flocky and I have to dash off elsewhere straight after that for a meeting.  So bust weekend ahead and it is daughter A's 20th birthday - 20 good grief....  It doesn;t seem that long ago.

It is amazing to think that I started my job at the charity 2 years ago tomorrow!  That 2 years has flown by.

Time

I was typing up a report and put down the 12th April and then realised that I would be in Hospital that day.  Then I realised that it is only two weeks today.  I hadn't worked that out at all.  Suddenly it is on me and I need to get myself all sorted out ready for that.  

I should be feeling pretty neutral but they have changed my time to afternoon so I know I have a night in the Hospital (expletive comes to mind).  Please, please, please, please let it be the last one.  I have been disappointed these past two times to find that I needed "just one more" procedure.  I hate Hospitals with a vengeance and to tell the truth I cannot even tell you how many operations I've had these past few years.  I just want it over and done with now and I'd like my life back please.  Not that my current life is bad or anything just that it would be good to get off this roller coaster and take stock and just lie in the sun and be grateful for a while.  take it all in,  think about the future and do something in a measured way.  that probably isn't going to happen but it would be nice.

Anyway - 13 days and counting.....  

Office Moved

So I've moved my stuff around the office and I'm back in the seat next to the one I started out in. I'm not reading anything into that. My colleague will return from his holiday tomorrow and doesn't know that I've put my notice in. He won't be happy. However a strange turn of events today as I was meant to be going to a meeting in Berkshire tomorrow and checked and somehow we have been missed off the list. Lucky really as I am going to the Founders lunch tomorrow because my Chairman cannot make it. That will be a nice day out for me I'm sure.

My train ticket runs out on Wednesday so I might work from home Thursday and it appears there is a national strike next week on the trains so I will be able to do some serious work at home during the Easter week.

I'm feeling OK today apart from this terrible hacking cough I have. I am hoping that it goes away overnight so I can attend this lunch without sounding like a performing seal.

Cough from hell

Well I thought I had this cold licked earlier on in the week but this dry hacking cough has really started to annoy me.  I have some medicine that seems to temporarily sort it out but only for a short stint.

I spent a lot of the day sorting out my music collection and talking to my colleague about our forthcoming venture.  He is off to China tomorrow for a couple of weeks, then he arrives back as I go into Hospital and so we probably wont see each other until the weekend following that.  At least we can go out for a meal or something and start to get our plans straightened out.

We have a mamoth task ahead of us in the next 6 months and have deliberately pressurised ourselves to do this.  I'm happy that my present employers feel strongly enough to retain me so I can be of use on special projects which is just great as some of the big stuff Ii have instigated does need to be followed up and a lot of the information needs to be dragged out of my head and on to paper for them.  Something I intend to start committing to paper as soon as.

I feel bad about leaving but I have to undertake this journey for the next 6 or 7 months.  The opportunity is good enough to take the risk and from what I know of my own personality I need to put the right amount of "stress" or "risk" into the venture so that it engages me full time.  Unlike the last time I went and invested a lot of my time, this time it is completely in my own hands on whether I make it or not.  

I have a friend who I trust, we have both been through the Cancer trials and tribulations - at the same time and we have built our pre-cancer friendship to new levels.  We have worked together before and we have different but complimentary skills which is great.  Plenty of checks and balances are in place along with loads of experience too.

It is going to be an interesting year and an interesting journey - well it will be when this rib cracking cough stops - ouch :-)

I thought that

I would have got rid of this cold by now but I have a hacking cough and sore throat and managed to fall asleep at my desk this afternoon and have a very sore neck from doing that.

If the fridge man hadn't have arrived so early I may have got up a little later and not been so tired!

I've got my dates all mixed up and instead of going out tomorrow for my friend's mum's 80th birthday I find out that it is on Sunday!! My brain is getting bad...  But that meant I could have gone to this do I ducked out of.

I'm going to hit the sack and see how I am in the morning, I have had enough of this hacking cough and could do with trying to get to bed and trying to get some sleep.

Cat out of the bag

Well I spoke to the boss and we agreed that I will go as near to April as makes no difference.  We also agreed that I will be retained by the Trust toocome in on specific assignments and to provide business and logistical support.  That is great and what I hoped for as it does allow me to have a lifeline back if needed.  It is interesting quote how shocked everyone was that I was going and it was quite moving too.

What it does mean is tha I made a difference but what was funny was that they wondered if it was the money.  It would have been if I stayed but when I explained that I was going to go and work for 6 months with no money or any guarantee of success that changed the equation a lot.   I think they would have offered me roughly what I was going to go and ask them for before all this lot blew over.

Anyway - it seems to be a little better at work now it is in the open but I was surprised quite how upset many were that I was going.  Even saying I'd be around a couple of days a month didn't win me the argument.

A new way of looking at things.

Click on image to enlarge.

Using www.wordle.net allows you to cluster together the most used words on your blog.  You can hardly see the word cancer, bladder and yet new, feel and other quite positive words are there.  I've just started playing with this tool - it is fascinating to picture your content like this.  I am pleased that there aren't big highlighted words in there like despair or fear.

It also feels a bit like this too

These guys are also fast becoming firm favourites on my MP3 player...

SO now how does it feel?

It feels just like this:



Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Reeds driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Fish in the sea
You know how I feel
River running free
You know how I feel
Blossom in the tree
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when the day is done, that's what I mean
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me
Fooor me

Stars when you shine
You know how I feel
Scent of the pine
You know how I feel
Yeah freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
hu
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
It's a new life
For me

And I'm feeling good

Hell it's a Nudorn alright.....

Still Flu Like

Decided not to go to work and give this to anyone. It felt like it was going yesterday but it gave me plenty of trouble overnight and I was sneezing and coughing - not what you want to do at work....

I had to drop a note to the boss and so delivered the "find someone else" message at the same time. I suppose that being pragmatic about it is the only thing to do. There isn't a lot I can do about that. I do worry about the 18 months to 2 years frequency that I manage to last before I need to move on although in this case, I reckon if I had stayed I would have negotiated something quite different to combat the frustrations but there is work to do after my operation in April and ideally that would be a good time to get someone in so I can show them the ropes and then move on. At least they have the option of getting me to come in and do a little support work at the same time.

24 Hour Flu

I've been laid out overnight and today with what can best be called mild Flu symptoms. Aching legs, slight stuffy nose, sneezes, sore throat etc. I took to my bed last night wrapped up against the chills and had a pretty disturbed night. I'm a bit annoyed as I wanted to do some more work in my office today but didn't get anything done. I am feeling a little better now after drugging myself up and taking it easy and sleeping through most of the day. Strangely it feels like some of the BCG treatments I had all that time ago....

Tomorrow is going to be a bit difficult as I know that a lot of people are going to be upset that I will be going and I also know that there is never a right time to go. However, now if right for them and for me. I can get to concentrate on what I need to put in place in the next 4 to 6 weeks. I needed to drop into the charity as a bolt hole after the disappointment and recriminations of the previous venture - amazing to think that is over 2 1/4 years ago and that the Tribunal was 2 years ago. I owe my present customer a lot but recently things have got stale and I can't influence except in the limited area that I exist in.

I hope that I shake off this cold for tomorrow morning. I really could do with getting into work and sorting things out with them. I am out on at least three nights this week too. One of those is a business engagement.

That's Good

Mrs. F. and I are bust clearing out the office to make it a working space again. I just threw away close to 1,000 3 1/2" disks and some 5 1/4" disks, loads oo old computer stuff, leads and mice, CDs and DVDs that are no longer any use. It is amazing how much clutter I have picked up over the years.

I actually have empty cupboard space too which is nice. So Mrs. F. is OK with me taking 6 months to go for it with my new venture. It makes sense to limit this to October of this year so that at least we can make a decision whether to chuck it in or continue.

I'm feeling happy and sad all at the same time. I have to tell work on Monday that all bets are off and I'll see what the reaction is to that. Not good in some quarters I'm sure.

The reminder of the weekend is about sorting this room out and getting ready to hit he ground running some time in April.

End Game

My friend sounds like he will be made redundant this afternoon. I am just about to work out my resignation notes and how I will continue to work with the office as they will still want me to consult for them. Eventually I hope to become involved with them a bit more from a volunteer point of view but lets see how things transpire first.

A weekend of planning ahead then.

Timing is rubbish

It hasn't escaped anyone's notice that I haven't been in work for much of this week - I did get a lot done on Tuesday and so far have blistered the work I was doing at home but I really ought to be thinking ahead and working out quite how I position things next week.

You see, most people think I'm just having a few issues with my other business and a few have serious doubts about whether I will stay. I am having my own problems in that I need my colleague to be made redundant for me to take the jump and he and I can go and work together to get our project off the ground. That is the plan. Of course all the nagging doubts are there and the what if situation about who replaces me and how much involvement I keep with the job. I hope that they get someone better than me in a way so that they move on further and really develop the stuff I've started. The problem I have is that I'm loathe to get involved in something that I may not finish.

I think I should know tomorrow or at the weekend how it is panning out. Next week I am in the office most days I think but it could get really uncomfortable especially if I am going to leave.

Hello Fiji

I was on to a relative in Fiji today - the internet and instant messaging are great and allow you to interact with people all over the world. It was nice to let him know that I was getting nearer to an all clear. The Hospital dropped me an email saying that they wanted me in later than they originally said. That means I am going to end up there overnight again which is a pain as Mrs. F. works in the morning.

I'm pretty much happy to walk home myself as I only live 20 minutes away but I am sure no one will allow that - unless I don't tell anyone that is!! How do single people manage? Anyway - that at least means that I can have a light breakfast and plenty of water to make sure I don't dehydrate like I did on one of my earlier operations.

It is less than a month away now so feeling a little down about it already. That happens and is only natural I guess. To be apprehensive is part of the territory I guess. Hopefully, and how many times have I said this, this one will be the last of these procedures and I will have a flexible cystoscopy next time. OK that isn't nice either but it sure beats this malarkey of having to be pumped full of chemicals and finding a catheter stuck in you when you wake up and a cannula stuck in the back of your hand. Sheesh!!

It is also getting very close to decision time with my job - I can only imagine what kind of reaction there will be to that when it happens. I need to position that correctly especially as I will still be around for a little bit to help out. Who knows what the future will bring.

Off to Celebrate Flocky's Birthday

well actually it is the Provincial Officers' Mess which is a good evening out. We get a subsidised meal and wine and it is nice to get to meet lots of old friends.

I have foolishly stated that I will buy Flocky some Champagne which could make a serious dent in my wallet.

It will be good to get out and about and to meet a number of the troops again.

Nothing like a bit of Schindler's List

To send me off to bed in the right frame of mind. I have to say I'd forgotten just how deeply that last bit of the film affected me. More so as one of the children looks just like my eldest A. I'm still upset and that is 30 minutes after I finished watching it.

You can hardly believe that all of that is still within living memory and you can't even begin to imagine the utter horror of it all. I think you get a little insight into the fear if you've had cancer, maybe and so perhaps it drags out those experiences when I watch it. It's a very special film without a doubt.

Yuk Day

I hate it when the office is heated to sub tropical temperatures like today - I roasted and it tired me out. I managed to get lots of things done but by mid afternoon I was flagging. I left a little earlier than normal to find a half length train - great! That too was heated to grow some sort of rare plant and we roasted - at least someone reached a few windows and the blowers came on.

I may work from home tomorrow as it at least Ii can regulate the temperature and I can get a load more done. I shall think about that overnight. Time gets nearer to a decision. I feel myself wanting to hurry up and make the jump yet I cannot until my colleague's fate is sealed - possibly this Friday.

Almost a seminal day

Almost but not quite. We can't quite take the jump into the new business today. By the end of the week maybe and by the end of the week after almost certainly.

A good meeting but it has left me in limbo land as such as I'd like to tell my people to start looking for my replacement knowing that I am off to do my project.

At least we concluded that our venture has a future and that it needs to be worked on now. That said, it is by no means certain that we will get it to market, get funded or anything else! Happy Days :-)

The only constant in this life is change!

Gradually

You get your life back you know. When I thought about it this morning, I realised that I'm recording stuff that is pretty much what I'd stick in a diary and wondered how relevant it is to Bladder Cancer and do you know what? The relevance is that 3 years ago I was obsessed daily with it and to be truthful I do think about having or having had cancer every day of my life but gradually the old me has returned and things do get back to some sense of normality.

When I say normal, as normal as you are going to get because cancer changes your life anyway, it doesn't appear to have changed my underlying psychological profile but it has changed my attitude to life, the way I look at things and the way I do - or do not - care for people these days. I beginning to reclaim my life again and take back those things that my cancer took from me. The one thing I missed the most though was my brain - it still isn't all back here like it used to be but I am getting back to my sharpest again and that bodes well for me but not for my current customer/empoyer.

Decision Day

Or perhaps the background to a decision day. It is at least a chance to discuss and explore what the possibilities are in terms of moving on. Both my colleague and I are convinced that we should pursue our idea and take it to a conclusion. At the moment, if we don't it will whither on the vine and we will never know if it is possible to achieve. The bigger team has fallen away after we got this in front of one of the larger multi nationals and got exciting results, one-by-one they have failed to deliver anything of value or just fallen away.

At times like this, it is important to make a decision to move on or kill the idea. I'd like to give it a full time effort for 6 months and see where we have arrived at. At that time, if nowhere then I'd have to rethink. It is one of those hard decisions as it requires moving out of a comfort zone and to put some faith into my own abilities to get something done. I have no doubt that I can achieve this or at least take things to their logical conclusion - that may be that we decide after 6 months to not continue. At least we will know.

Today will sure be interesting.

Good Bye Piano

So I now only have one Piano. It isn't in tune and is never likely to be as it is a 1900 to 1910 original made by my GGG Uncle at his East London factory. The other piano which we have had since the girls were taking music lessons has been sold - rather cheaply I hasten to add to a dealer and it has left the house today. I kind of miss it as it actually was in tune and could be played and was a musical instrument and not an heirloom like the other one is.

It is just another one of those things that I find we are now getting rid of from the house. It is most probably a good thing.

Big day tomorrow as I meet up with my colleague to decide what me might do in terms of setting up our business venture. We need to step up to the plate or decide not to do it. Perhaps we may procrastinate for a little while longer but it mustn't be too long.

It will soon be April and he will be away - I will be in Hospital and somehow we need to arrange our current business affairs and get ready for this new thing or make arrangements for it. For me - I need to make the decision as soon as possible so that I can arrange with work to get a replacement and to then cover off the other things I am doing.

I heard this and it will be with me in April

I heard this music some time ago - Very nice.  The video is interesting too.

A game of "what time is it?"

Flocky and I were due to meet earlier in the day but eventually it was late afternoon before we finally touched base.  after sorting out a load of bits and pieces we retired to the pub for a beer and a packet of Peanuts or in my case, some nice Pork Scratchings (I must stop eating those!!)

After a couple of beers I disappeared off to the toilet and on my way back glanced at my watch.   Noting the time I asked young Flocky what time he thought it was and he concurred with me (before I had seen my watch) that it was no later than 8:30 but probably more like 8 pm.  Mmmmm.  Well it was more like 10 pm and we still had a pint of beer to consume.  Hence I arrived home at 10:45 without having had tea or supper and am now recounting this strange story.

Tomorrow is our Lodge meeting and so I am looking forward to that and the meal afterwards.  It is nice to meet some of our Lodge members and catch up with what they have been up to.  Unfortunately one of our members, now gting on for 93 is not so well.  We hope that he will soon be back to his normal self but the news isn't great.  He seconded me into the Lodge and so I have strong ties to him.  We will find out a bit more tomorrow from his daughter, herself in her 70s.

Friday - at home

I hope this will be a little relaxing day off and one that I can sit back and do a bit of reflective thinking.   Suddenly, now the boss knows the score some of the weight on my shoulder has come off and I hadn't realised that I was beating myself up about it quite so much.

I did four days at work this week - not without some bitching - but I managed it and perhaps next week I will get a better increase in productivity and sanity.  At least I have broken the back of the main stuff for this year already.

L got her results yesterday and had a mixed bag from a straight A to a fail.  She isn't phased by it although one result was much lower than she expected.  She knows now what to do about it.  That's good and she is focussed on becoming a teacher and she has the tenacity to do it.  She has just stuck to a diet that has seen her lose a lot of weight in a controlled way, a year before she went without eating chocolate for a year.  I think I know where she gets that stubbornness from :-)

I've just come off the phone from talking with my colleague who is working with me on this other project and we will meet on Monday to decide what to do - that may finally make us take the decision to get going or park our project and move on.  

And Now the Boss knows and growing up

This morning I noticed a large Charity sack by the front door and so I peeked inside (as you do) and there were lots and lots of cuddly toys.  Stuff from Disneyland and Beanie toys we had bought when the kids were young and it was obviously going on to a good place and will be sold to make someone's life a little better.  I'm all for that - I work in a charity - it's what I do.

However, it was a bit more profound than that.  I stared into the bag and there were the memories of my little girls staring back at me.  Happy times, magic times, we did enouy ourselves then and they had these "things" that meant a lot then but mean nothing now.  Somehow they meant a lot this morning and I got one of my "Bambi moments"  - hell this cancer nonsense really screws up your hormones.  I was really moved - not upset that they were getting rid of these childish things as they were going to a good home and were for a good cause and I'm proud that both girls do things like this and give of their time and give freely of these things that probably just clutter up their rooms.  To me, of course, these things were hard earned things.  I worked to buy them and in reality I don't want to sound sore about it but they probably mean a lot to me because they are associated with happy times, growing up, fun, play and all the good stuff about having kids.  It also drags me back to those pre-cancer days and it also reminds me that my children are grown up now.  No Longer children at all.  Young Ladies.  A is 20 in a few weeks time and L will be 17 in August.  It isn't the cost or anything to do with that - to me it is the loss of the item that may bring back a memory for me.   The kids adored these things and now they are just discarded - I'm not sure I know what more to say on the subject - it just made me feel bad and realise that things move on.

I was just left with a hole this morning that is all, it felt like I'd had something ripped away from me but it wasn't the toys themselves just what memories that they surfaced.

The boss called me in today and we had a chat.  I think that someone must have told him that I wasn't best pleased with the way things have been and whilst he acknowledged that we also agreed that one of two things was about to happen.  They are keen to get me on full time working.  I had to explain the 2 factors of the operation and the possibility that my other job will burst into life but I also had to reassure him that I would not just walk away.  I owe them far more than that.

Cards are now played and I feel happier about that.  I prefer to play a relatively straight bat in these cases and this little chat did that.  More later next week.

Finally I met with my Nephew and an old friend J at a lively bar in London.  I have to say that after a number of rather delicious pints of Tangle Foot, I wandered home and Mrs. F (bless her) came and gave me a lift home and some tea....  I needed that :-)

It has been a funny old day with the disturbing bit followed by the relief of "confession" to my boss about what I think may happen.  The trouble about that is - who knows what the future will bring?

Turmoil sets in

I enjoyed work today -well most of it, the the boss p1ssed me off tonight.  A typo on a letter that has gone out some months ago has been discovered and wants me to phone everyone up and tell them or write a letter acknowledging said cock up.   Frankly it shouldn't have happened but it did and it isn't that important except to them - I think my email back almost saying "no one died did they?" may have been a bit of an overreaction but in a two page letter which only needed to be three paragraphs anyway, something was bound to go wrong.   They need to stop writing by committee.

So that set me into the opposite of the good day I had actually had.  It is mixed emotions time as I really want to do less time there and concentrate on putting to bed one way or the other, for good or bad, this other business idea my colleagues and I are working on.  It needs closure and if I gae it 6 months and got nowhere I can at least say I tried.  I would then have the problem of what to do thereafter but that problem (if it is one) can wait until then.  Being positive, it could actually give me something to hang my hat on and to concentrate on and to use the other 99% of my talent not used where it is at the moment.

I at least managed 4 days work this week at the office - almost a record I reckon.

Walking home tonight

I got to remembering coming home on the last train, getting up and catching the first train out some 4 hours later and working my ar*e off for lots of years, working 12 or 15 hours a day, every day for years and years and years. 

Where did it get me?  You know that I believed I actually missed that life style.  I was young, my children were tiny, I worked hours and hours and I didn't do badly really.  There was money for an extension to the house and I did all those "good things" you are meant to do as the bread winner and what exactly have I got out of that "deal"?

Sure - I have great children - hardly children - young adults - working - at school and university - doing what THEY want to do and knowing that they can do that without let or hindrance or limitation.  There's a house, cars in the drive, clothes on everyone's backs, food in the cupboards and everything else and somehow - I'm not satisfied with this lot.   Am I a failure?  No.  What exactly is the problem?

I wondered tonight as I walked back retracing and remembering those steps was it all worth it?  Could I have got here without all that strain and stress, the long hours etc?  Yet, I think I actually enjoyed it - the buzz of making money and being in control of part of my own destiny.  The fast and furious world of the London financial world during the big bang and after.  I threw myself at my job and I loved it.  I enjoyed the power and the privilege, controlling and dealing in millions and doing something worthwhile and yet - you've never heard of me or know what I've done.  

The struggle these days is that I long for the energy and buzz I had then but do you know what?  I look back now and wonder whether I was actually that much better off.  Did I have a better time, or better work environment and a better life (we know the answer is probably not).  Life has taken on a different meaning these past few years and I just don't appreciate that slowing down and "jsut doing a job" may actually be what is best for me at the moment.

Mind you I have never been "normal" and maybe that is also a factor.

Strange what runs through your mind when you walk home late...

Some office clearing done

I managed to get a fair bit done over the weekend and that has made a start for some of the stuff I needed to do. The rest of the stuff is still outstanding and I realised that I am beginning to get behind on everything because of the trouble I am having balancing my work, social and my other work jobs.

I've just lost a bit of discipline with work because of all the rushing around I have had to do but perhaps I can catch up this week. I just need to sit down tomorrow morning and plan that out.

The stuff Ii have to do for my social life is also getting behind as I should have done some accounts and paperwork but haven't and I also need to work out about the "other" job too.

I am still trying to work out what to do for the best and what I really want to do isn't the easy road - and yet I believe that I should do it. Taking a decision that may well lead to a little hardship and something that will put me out isn't easy. I hope that I will be able to rationalise it down the next few weeks as at the moment I really am procrastinating.

I have about 5 weeks until the procedure and so I am thinking along the lines of making that a bearing on my decision as well. I may not know the outcome until a month later although they often say what the visual result is when I come to. In a way, I am less confident about this one than the one before. Not that I feel worse or anything like it but I am acting a bit stranger these days - perhaps that's just me getting older and getting back to my old self. Maybe I ought to set out what I used to be like before Bladder Cancer at some stage so I can review the major changes that have happened.

For the moment though, it was nice day today, we went walking in the spring sun through the woods and fields near here and it was a pleasant break from being stuck in the office. It was good to see the snowdrops and crocus flowers poking their heads out and let's hope spring is finally here.

Something to think about

Have a look HERE at a post made on a social networking site ecademy. I sometimes feel like this myself that actually whilst I survived etc etc there is still this problem of never quite getting back what you had before.

See what you think - it is a bit stark I grant you but makes me look at my situation in a much better light.

Weekend Wonders

The weekend starts tomorrow really but today was good news day for Steve in the US who is again all clear after 21 months and has 3 more BCG treatments and no more pushing and poking around with until September.  It is great news and the wonders of medical science are that this killer of a disease can be treated and have good rates of success is a testament to all the wonderful people who have researched this and of course all those patients who have gone before us.

It still amazes me that someone should come up with the thought that flooding your bladder with BCG would invoke an immune reaction that would help get rid of the cancer cells and strip those away allowing you to grow a new lining of normal cells.  Amazing really when you think about it.

So that has started my weekend off well.  The sun is out and it looks to be the beginnings of spring with crocus flowers emerging after the last few months of snow and rain and grey days it finally looks to be a pleasant again.  That lightens my mood too.

I've said before that I don't think I actually have Depression as some would describe it but I certainly feel "blue" a fair bit and down, tearful and sometimes even lacking self confidence.  I am certain it goes with the territory of having had cancer and finding that I am still concious of my recovery which is ongoing - it isn't over yet by any means.

The wonders of the weekend are the joy of hearing Steve's news, the end of a particularly difficult working week for me and that this week I DID make a difference to people's lives and may have two or three people now aware of the charity and it's services as well as all the major charities.

Mixed Day

If I'd have got up and gone to the Station I would have found no trains as there is a fire further up the line and I imagine the City must look like 1/2 day closing as hardly anyone can get in from the South East of the capital.  Anyway, I'm not one of them.  

I am out later giving a talk to a Lodge which will be great.  It is reasonably local to me - just 9 miles away.   It is amazing as it will take me a lot of time to get there as I have to drive at School going home time and crosses a series of major roads.  The Sat Nav reckons 24 minutes - I reckon I can double that.

I'm feeling pretty neutral today but the sun is out which makes a change - the last few months just seem to have been grey all the time.  Everything gets a lift when we get a nice Spring day like today.

   

Stuttering start to the morning

Nearly went back to bed I was so tired.  Managed to get to work, falling asleep only twice at my desk and many more times on the train on the way home :-)

Tomorrow is big committee day - last time I got out of my pram and threw my toys around this time I envisage putting the committee onto the defensive and setting them things to do.

I feel a bit low still but I have turned out stacks of work in the past few weeks and it should culminate in some kudos tomorrow - although that doesn't pay the bills of course!!

I am then off on Wednesday and Friday with a few other bits to do in between.  Ii have a mountain of paperwork to get through but hopefully by this weekend I can get that done ready to hand over some of my job to my successor.  I live in hope.

New Week New Problems

My friend has called to say his company are about to make him redundant and in a way that has freed his mind a bit and allowed him to consider his options.  He and I are involved in this other venture and I am now seriously considering quitting or coming away from full time properly the current job.  I am finding it difficult to sort out quite what I should do as I can see an argument for both side, can see that I have been lucky to work with some lovely people and all that but, fundamentally there is a problem with doing what amounts to your hobby in a full time capacity.

My appointment is now set for the 12th April and my pre-assessment is the 6th.  It looks to be an early appointment so who knows I may get out the same day - it hasn't happened recently but I live in hope.

Energy levels are quite low after the excitement of the weekend and two meetings one after the other.   The trouble is, as always that I put a lot of effort in and the great news is things went well but afterwards it is all a bit of an anti climax.  I'm just feeling tired and tomorrow I need to head into work which I don't fancy at all.  Tuesday is committee which looks like I'll end up controlling and then Wednesday I am out at a Lodge doing a talk in the evening.  Thursday is a nice half day followed by a Lunch event.  Friday I have decided to stay at home to recuperate.

It is strange - I just feel lazy and don't want to do anything at the moment.

On a Brighter Note

My other friend who has Bladder Cancer has been given the all clear.  Thank goodness for that - we thought it was bye bye bladder last time I spoke to him.  In fact he is just on check ups.  I wonder if that was because of the immense trouble he had as he had to go back to theatre he was bleeding so badly last time.  Anyway - good news for him.  That has cheered me up a bit considering the bad news about my friend's dad yesterday.

What happens is that every time you hear this it brings you back to your own situation (of course it does) and I start to consider how lucky I really am and in a way it cheers me up and depresses me all at the same time.  I'm really glad that I am where I am and I feel like I do but also there is the realisation that many people don't have that good fortune and their lot isn't so good.

I decided to get back onto the Cross Trainer today and surprised myself with a 15 minute workout that went quite well.  I am surprisingly fit but need to do things regularly to be of benefit.  I just need to get my diet under control a bit better.  The inevitable lunches and dinners I go to throw this out every week.   I need to make sure that I eat properly though and so can't starve myself or do anything too serious as it may affect my health in other ways.

Still - I am in better temper than I have been for a while and whilst Ii still cant say I am enjoying my job, at least it isn't getting me angry like the past few weeks.

I didn't quit today

I was back to running the show today and so was busy and involved and then some other things came up and I was back in and interested.  I imagine it will only be short lived.  I am off tomorrow and Friday and again doing three or so days a week helps me to stay there and not to chuck it all in.

Got a shock as the chap who suggested I set up this blog let a few of us know that his dad has tumours in his brain and lungs and has been diagnosed with cancer.  It sort of knocks me off balance a little when I hear these things.  at least, I think, I can offer some assistance somehow.  He starts radiotherapy very soon and I'll see him in a few weeks to have a chat.

I can at least give the human side of the patient so that no one makes the mistakes I've seen when they talk to me documented earlier in this blog.

So - what for me?  feeling a bit worn down really and awaiting the date for the next procedure/operation.  they said they would get back to me on Monday and didn't.  I'd like to know so that I can ensure that I don't have any appointments at that time.

I am still working out whether or not to stay at the job - it really doesn't do anything for me although I am one of the characters in the organisation - I don't carry any responsibility or much clout and end up clerking a lot.  I'll need to make a decision soon though.

Well the deliberations continue

I see that the pragmatic view is to leave the current job.  If I give notice now then they can get someone in 5 weeks I would have thought and I can assist on the odd occasion going back in on a day rate if they need me.  That is the pragmatic view.  I'm thinking that if I do that I can start in April and get tucked into the other project.  Of course, that doesn't pay at all and so there is a need to balance out the risk/reward equation.  

Lots of "ifs" there but that is the choice I need to make.  I remember the disappointment of the last thing I got involved with but with this one I am closer to the source and in the driving seat so it will be my own reputation that is on the line so to speak.  Having taken close to a year out doing this before, I am being cautious about going out there again.   However, I haven't exactly made up my mind today but I am thinking clearly now about what it means.  I have to seriously consider that I may need to fund myself for 6 months doing this.  I was hoping that we may have funding in June or July but if I set it that it is September then that gives me something to aim at.

I suppose watch this space will be the watchword. 

Sunday

The sun is out after a miserable start to the day and I'm sitting here working my way through my options for work and my other venture.  It seems more important today that I put some effort in to the stuff I have been working on ready to go and get some finance for taking it forward.  I also realise that I have some responsibility for the job too.

A long hard look at that really leads me to conclude that they need a clerk to do the work and me to supervise and come up with the creative side.  I'm certainly not happy to sit there and be given work to do and to change like some oik.  If they want to employ someone with their brains sucked out with a straw then that is what they should do.

I have no idea how this is going to end up.  I'd like to tell them to stick their job tomorrow but some of it is good.  I am out in a week or two to  a meeting and that is good meeting other people and telling them about the charity etc., that's a nice thing to do as is creating some of the more useful documents they now have.   

I have all day to ponder what to do.

Recovered

How utterly strange that was last night.  It kind of concerns me how ill I felt all of a sudden but some friends popped around today for a meeting and said that it was very hot in there and perhaps that may be it.  

I was a bit annoyed that they saw it though - up until now I have been able to keep it to myself.

Anyway - moving on - the meeting was good and I can move on from there.  It hasn't helped the argument to stay or not at work.  I still need to consider what to do about that.

Great evening shame about the funny turn

It was a lovely evening but at the end I had one of my strange funny turns and felt ill, claustrophobic and all that boiling hot, nauseas bit.  I stood outside and was OK in a few minutes but just felt awful for that short time.

They are my friends and were worried about me which is nice.  I don't like it as it shows some of the damage that my cancer has done to me.  This is all about self esteem, self confidence and belief in myself and that actor quality that has always covered my tracks for me, failing at the last hurdle.

Whether I wanted to show this side or not, it happened and I felt really ill for a short period of time. Nice to see everyone being concerned but I didn't want their evening to end that way let alone mine.    

Curry that great cure all

I am really, really looking forward to a night out with about 16 of us.  Flocky Bicep has organised it and we are starting off with a mini pub crawl - luckily enough all in the boundaries of my village so nice and easy to manage that the off to the restaurant which is a whole 5 minutes away at the most.

I've been feeling quite stressed out recently and I am looking forward to having just a good laugh and chat with the bunch of us.

Tomorrow I have some of the team coming in on our business venture and with a bit of luck I should be able to get some sanity into my thinking giving me a way forward.  I hope so - I could do with some clarity of thought and to dump all this stressy baggage I am carrying around with me.

You may tell that Im not a happy bunny

Everything just seems to be getting on my nerves at the moment.  The job, trying to get things done when everyone (it seems) is trying to stop me - it sounds like paranoia doesn't it :-) ?

It just drives me to distraction and I wonder if I will be able to hold on much longer.  I'd rather give it up and take a chance on this other job of mine if the truth be told.   There is no money in it - or not at the moment but perhaps I'd be able to concentrate and actually get something achieved.

I know there is work for me to do where I am, I'm just really struggling now with the mediocrity of it all and trying to swim against the tide.  Someone told me to take the money and live with it but it isn't me.  I can't go native and be as bad as half these people.  The good ones are good but the others really are "jobs worths" and I just know it is all going to end in tears.

So I am heading off to bed and hope to get another good night's sleep and a good day's work tomorrow.

Micro management

If anything pisses me off more it is micro bloody management.  If you can't trust me to do something say so and I'll give it to you.  But otherwise stop interfering with what I am doing and stop stopping me by stopping me (if you get what I mean).   Every-time I get somewhere I have to stop, stop my designers and get a proof run up for something that isn't ready only to be told afterwards that it isn't ready to be reviewed just exactly what I told them at the time.

Now, I am in my belligerent best, as everyone gets copied in to the "so shall I stop work until you've reviewed it or are you going to tell me that something is missing as if I didn't notice it? " 

No wonder deadlines get missed.  All that is going to happen now is that I have to stop work as I just waste time carrying on and it actually screws things up as "Changes will happen" not because they are necessary but because they can be made and the quality will suffer again.

Damn it, it annoys the hell out of me and no ones sees it - or rather they do but they actually can't help themselves they have to mess around with things.

This is the exact time when I am at my worst as I'm thinking - "well you can stick you job!" and the trouble is I'm getting really close to saying it too.

A better day

A slightly better turn of fortune today - a good meeting and I was impressed at how things went and was pleased that we had made some major progress.  The girls are still giving me grief about me "not being me" and "not my normal old self" but at least this afternoon was a bit better and I was back to cracking some jokes and lightening the mood that no doubt I have created.

It is difficult to be the person who is always cheerful and has a good word for all.

I'm working at home tomorrow and Friday.  I will do a bit of each sort of work some of the charities and some of my own.  Curry night on Friday and I am really looking forward to that.  About 14 of us and all going to my local curry house which does serve up good food so that will be fun.

Saturday will be working here all day and perhaps I will take Sunday off.  The next few weeks are critical I think to get on top of both jobs and see if I stay or go at the Charity.  I have a job there until 2017 if I pursue it and the thing is, whilst I'd love to do it I hate the journey, I despise travelling on trains that are too hot and airless, crowded and dirty and full of obnoxious people too half of the time.  

I have picked up a number of things to do that I didn't want to do and so my list of things to do just got longer and longer.

Caught up with a guy I know who is having his biopsies next week and wished him well for those. Mine must be due in 6 to 8 weeks time now.  Yuk.  Mind you they could be the last.

It must be me

I just listened to a load of old rubbish that my friend spouted out on the way home.  The difference - I was sober and driving and he had a few too many glasses of wine.  It was lucky he knocked one of them over earlier too really.

It could be me or it could be him but suddenly everything is somehow us younger guys not showing respect or doing something he wouldn't do and so on.  The terrible irony of the situation is this guy is in deep financial do do and stares into the abyss regularly.  He cannot budget or use logic to stop himself and somehow this road of righteousness is something that he wishes his disciples to follow.  

I can't believe I have grown so far apart from him so quickly and yet in the early stages of my cancer he was one of those who played the dark humour card with me.  He didn't he admits now realise quite how ill I was (mind you neither did I then).  We had desperate times in our friendship when he introduced me to the business venture that I thought would allow me to be close to retirement by now and that collapsed.   It was more a case of me seeing the problem late and not getting him out in time.  They owe him a lot of money too and he will never get it back.  They owe me a load of time - I suppose I could monetise it but - that is 2 or more years ago now.

Quite why he has gone off on to some one man crusade is beyond me.  I am not sure that I would take things quite so seriously and he jumps to massively wrong conclusions only to be pulled back to the reality some time later.  Yes - a strange thing indeed and the trouble is he made himself a target for a number of people this evening and that will just add to his woes later.

How interesting as I wrote this an apologetic email has arrived.  Back to repair mode for me and him again.  

Life gets bloody complicated sometimes - surely it doesn't need to be like this.

Middle age rage or something worse

I'm OK today - I allowed myself a sleep in of sorts and got to work and managed to move things on quite well.  I am off to a meeting a little later and hope that it will result in me being a bit calmer and chilled out than I have been although I have to drive through this incessant rain to get there at least I am not doing anything and that will be a result.

Back to work tomorrow and with any luck I can sort out the documents I need to do and set enough items in motion that I can take the next few days off to work on the other project.  

It is probably the pressure I am putting on myself and the fact that it always appears to be me left sorting things out.  Trying to off load responsibility to others is a hard thing to do especially when no one is coming forward to take them off your hands.   I am definitely not my old fun filled self at the moment and I hope that I snap out of it soon.  It seems strange to me that I should be filled with so much pent up aggression given what I've gone through.  I should be laid back and not have any worries but for some reason that isn't happening.

Got to get through this next phase

Today's meeting was alright but I managed to control it reasonably well and bless, my boss was ill and so I managed to wrestle back my work from him and so get on with that. If I give this a good poke in the morning (from home) I can probably get this all done.

I've got one of my friends playing all injured and upset with me at the moment and I'm just playing hard ball back at him. I really get pissed off with his self centred back biting and he can go sling his hook for a while or suffer me being an awkward cuss and by hell can I be a cantankerous sort when I put my mind to it. even I don't like me when I'm like that.

So this month of anger continues and work colleagues were bleating about me, not being well "me" really. I have to apologise I'm fighting inner demons and loads of stuff at the moment and that is just the problem that I have to bite back and restrained as to lash out isn't really the answer and I'd happily chuck the job in the way I feel now and no one wins from me doing that. I have to stick at it and I just need to work out where I am going and what I am doing.

Any better now?

Not really, had a conversation with a buddy in Prague.  He is coming back to the UK - maybe, mind you he must have been there for a decade it seems.  Had the usual chat about work, my BC and all that.

My sense of humour is a little better but I could easily walk into work tomorrow and just chuck it all in.  I doubt that I will though.   There are a series of meetings coming up this week and I am out Tuesday night too.  Friday sees a night out with our impromptu curry club.  That is back here locally as we have a good curry house and two pubs in the village so we have a 2 pub crawl followed by curry - something to look forward to.  I should have been going to Surrey for a meeting but a local curry will be better I think.

The thought of trying to get on with my work this week fills me with dread as I can't imagine anyone will have actually done anything in my absence.  It will be what it will be I suppose. 

So I'm not in the best of humour still and I'm finding it hard to put the time in to do the two jobs I have at once.  I haven't sorted out all of this yet.  It would be easier if I could guarantee a job after June/July when this should shake itself down.  The trouble is of course that I like the job that isn't paying anything yet because of the challenge and I hate the paid job because it is routine.

Still angry

But not as bad as yesterday.  Still want to go and break something or break something on someone :-)

I'm really surprised about this.  I'm not angry on the outside at all.  I am seething on the the inside though.  How strange is that?  Anyway, I had a coffee with Flocky yesterday and afterwards a quick beer on the way home and we discussed many things and some of the anger abated.   

Calm down - easy to say - hard to do - is the order of the day but I just seem to see red when I talk to people in the office at the moment.  I think they have worn away all my defences and I just want to smack them in the face and beat some sense into them....

I will plan to be in the office on as few occasions as I can again next week and work out what to do.  Mrs. F. seems quite supportive of me if I just chuck it all in.  Not sure that is exactly what I want to do although it would fix my problem it would leave others in worse problems and I don't do that to anyone.   A weekend to think it through.  At least my Lodge accounts were audited and agreed this morning so that is good.

Familiar Pattern Emerging

Maybe I cannot commit to working for someone longer than 18 months (perhaps I am self fulfilling my prophecy). I am SO ANGRY at the moment. I'm upset with the people at work who can't let go and have to keep poking their noses in. When I let them take over they hand it back to me in a worse condition than I gave it to them. Then there are all the stupid crass like things that people do and say and that just rattles me too. I know I should rise above it but this goes back to "no one died" statements.

People are so vacuous and full of sh1t sometimes and so goddamn petty.

I am however quite concerned that I am getting really angry at silly things and I actually find myself taking time away from work because they will make me explode if they carry this nonsense on any longer. Prime examples of sending me off doing work that it is blindingly obvious will not be acted upon and only paying lip service to the need to change and move the business forward. I find it quite amusing that I am the only person who calls the organisation autocratic. I wrote an article, that needs changing, they have the original file, how come they can't change it themselves. No they send an e-mail with the change required so that I can change it and send an email back to them attaching the file?

It's me isn't it - I'm wrong? Honestly though it just makes my blood boil that everything relies on one person to approve it, you get things to happen and they jeopardize it by taking it to committee - just like I knew they would and that they said they wouldn't.

Arggh :-)

So there you go, I'm pretty much p1ssed off with the whole world at the moment. everyone can go to hell for a while and somewhere I need to rearrange everything to get myself back to normal being able to deal with all the numpties around me. At present I am spiralling down into the depths of a black depression and the vortex is speeding up so that getting out is proving more difficult than normal. I can't say exactly what it is that set this off but I just find that everything at the moment is too difficult to deal with...

I think that I need work to realise that I am just about to go into switch off mode - my own protective mode - soon. That means, I just stop doing anything, come home and ignore everything for a while. It concerns me because I recognise these symptoms because of my particular personality type in quickly dismissing those who don't pull their weight or for whom I lose respect. If you lose my respect you really had better watch out as it takes a lot to rebuild it with me, it can be done.

This has all sharpened up since I got ill though.

What was this blog about?

Oh yes - Bladder Cancer.  I reckon I need to get back on track with this so it may go quiet for a short while whilst I do that.

Currently I am having a bad (tempered) week and feel like shouting at all the flaming idiots I appear to have been blessed with so maybe a day or two off to calm down and I can get my head back on track and this blog back to the point.  Mind you, I think a lot of this is all about recovering from cancer and I must be a lot better as all I want to do is leave this job and go and do something that might use more than the  0.0000001% of my brain that is currently occupied at work.