To get wound up over this. I'm thinking I need "any excuse" these days to be gloomy - or put upon. It is easy to get into that frame of mind "It always happens to me" and I'm going to have to live with this (I hope) for a very long time so I'd just better get used to it I suppose. I'll be doing the paranoia and conspiracy theory bit next!
On the up side - the job market seems to be good, I'm getting some good quality local work posted to my inbox and I've actually decided today to go for a few of them and get back into interview practice and into working for a living mode. I'm banking on everything being clear - how else can I picture it? If that is the case and I go in on the 11th then I will come out on the 12th and have a few days off - then I would have 2 to 3 weeks before going in and hearing the news and then perhaps a week after that a three week course of BCG. Which would take me to about the end of May (Monaco Grand Prix weekend) and that would mean a November 6 month cysto and another 3 BCGs. Believe it or not this is positive thinking. What that would mean is that every May and November from then onwards I'd have a cysto and a course of BCG up to a certain number of years then I think the period between changes to 9 months, 12 months etc.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
All on Edge Again Now
Blast it, I am all wound up again following this news. It's all back to slowly psyching myself up for the operation - I suppose they will want another assessment (Oh gee wont that be fun).
That has really put a wobble into my day and made me feel all sort of mildly stressy! Typical.
That has really put a wobble into my day and made me feel all sort of mildly stressy! Typical.
Breaking News
My Consultant is back off Holiday. Ahem...... 11th April looks to be the date they want me in. Anesthetist will come and talk to me or review my notes.
Lucky that my Blood Pressure readings will be available to them after this weekend then isn't it?
Apparently a letter is in the post giving me further details. It is lucky that I didn't book to go away for Easter I suppose.
I suppose the really good thing is that my Blood Pressure readings are still coming down - this morning they have all been way under where they have been. I have to say that I am still a little shocked at the phone call I've just had and you have to believe this - my Blood Pressure has just gone back up again :-) The merest thought of Hospital did that!
This is a lot earlier than I thought I'd get seen and it doesn't clash with anything unless they have to operate in which case it might affect something I was planning on doing later in early May.
Lucky that my Blood Pressure readings will be available to them after this weekend then isn't it?
Apparently a letter is in the post giving me further details. It is lucky that I didn't book to go away for Easter I suppose.
I suppose the really good thing is that my Blood Pressure readings are still coming down - this morning they have all been way under where they have been. I have to say that I am still a little shocked at the phone call I've just had and you have to believe this - my Blood Pressure has just gone back up again :-) The merest thought of Hospital did that!
This is a lot earlier than I thought I'd get seen and it doesn't clash with anything unless they have to operate in which case it might affect something I was planning on doing later in early May.
Walked there and back
It is a fair distance to the supermarket and back. A bit of a shock, I bought myself loads of fruit, some veg, some low fat cheese and a pint of milk and no change out of a £20 note! That is a lot of money for stuff that is good for you. I could have got 20 MacDonald's for that.... Well, er, maybe not. I remember doing some work at MacDonald's, Wendy and Wimpy and my clothes stunk of burger grease. Yuk!
What on earth is that?
I have rashes around my ankles and on the back of my calf muscles. I decided not to exercise this morning but have washed the areas and put some cream on - please don't tell me I have become allergic to beer? How bad would that be :-)
It is probably something quite simple. So to get some form of exercise in I am going to walk to the supermarket and by myself some fruit. I never thought I'd hear myself say that!
It is probably something quite simple. So to get some form of exercise in I am going to walk to the supermarket and by myself some fruit. I never thought I'd hear myself say that!
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
It's Amazing
How nostalgic nostalgia can be?
Tonight I was out with a bunch of old school mates and we were in a pub that - collectively - we hadn't been in for 26 years. In fact it was a Stag night all those years ago and all the old stories came tumbling out. Isn't it amazing how one story trips another and things locked away suddenly come to the fore and you just laugh like drains at the absolute foolishness of youth? OK maybe not then :-) We had a great time and suddenly things that were forgotten were surfaced and they were so much funnier now than they were then. If I tell you that we were talking here about spectacles and condoms, my white silk tie stuffed in an old brown ale bottle, stolen plant pots and short cuts, cross country in motor cars that weren't designed for that you may perhaps get the picture. The bad part is that until some of these subjects were actually mentioned, many of us had hidden these memories for 25+ years!!! Whoops..
We had a lovely evening and our once a month "lads night out" is so much pleasure that it would be a shame not to continue it.
There is something very therapeutic about being out with guys you have known since pre-puberty and I always marvel that we have stayed friends (through thick and thin) from school right up to today. I am really blessed with such a nice bunch of friends. As I approach the 50 year landmark I doubt many people can count on two hands the people they went to school with as best buddies?
Tonight I was out with a bunch of old school mates and we were in a pub that - collectively - we hadn't been in for 26 years. In fact it was a Stag night all those years ago and all the old stories came tumbling out. Isn't it amazing how one story trips another and things locked away suddenly come to the fore and you just laugh like drains at the absolute foolishness of youth? OK maybe not then :-) We had a great time and suddenly things that were forgotten were surfaced and they were so much funnier now than they were then. If I tell you that we were talking here about spectacles and condoms, my white silk tie stuffed in an old brown ale bottle, stolen plant pots and short cuts, cross country in motor cars that weren't designed for that you may perhaps get the picture. The bad part is that until some of these subjects were actually mentioned, many of us had hidden these memories for 25+ years!!! Whoops..
We had a lovely evening and our once a month "lads night out" is so much pleasure that it would be a shame not to continue it.
There is something very therapeutic about being out with guys you have known since pre-puberty and I always marvel that we have stayed friends (through thick and thin) from school right up to today. I am really blessed with such a nice bunch of friends. As I approach the 50 year landmark I doubt many people can count on two hands the people they went to school with as best buddies?
I couldn't tell you what I have just done
I have been sat here at the PC fiddling with some accounts, knocking out some e-mails and generally sorting bits out and reminding people about an event tomorrow and most of the afternoon has disappeared - I was shocked to see what the time is already.
Today, for the first time I haven't felt beholden to my old company and in exactly three weeks my time with them is up. 17th April and that is it. Well almost of course, I might be working back there again. Who knows - who cares?
Time to switch on some mood music and try and work out what on earth I have done to the accounts I am working on.
Today, for the first time I haven't felt beholden to my old company and in exactly three weeks my time with them is up. 17th April and that is it. Well almost of course, I might be working back there again. Who knows - who cares?
Time to switch on some mood music and try and work out what on earth I have done to the accounts I am working on.
What a Great Day
Sun is out and shining bright, it is reasonably warm for March, I have done my exercises, I feel great and my blood pressure is down again.
I now need to match and attach my feelings of well being to getting on with some of the work I have outstanding and then perhaps I can press on and get some of these things completed.
I feel better than I have felt for years - and I do mean years, perhaps 5 or more. I certainly hit a malaise after 9/11 especially as the business sector I was in was severely hit by the slow down. Perhaps it was the cancer gradually building in me? Who knows.
I also hadn't really appreciated quite how sideways bladder cancer had knocked me both physically and mentally until I look back on it. I'm not back on track fully by any means but I am a lot better, stronger mentally, fitter physically and more positive in outlook than even a few weeks ago.
I now need to match and attach my feelings of well being to getting on with some of the work I have outstanding and then perhaps I can press on and get some of these things completed.
I feel better than I have felt for years - and I do mean years, perhaps 5 or more. I certainly hit a malaise after 9/11 especially as the business sector I was in was severely hit by the slow down. Perhaps it was the cancer gradually building in me? Who knows.
I also hadn't really appreciated quite how sideways bladder cancer had knocked me both physically and mentally until I look back on it. I'm not back on track fully by any means but I am a lot better, stronger mentally, fitter physically and more positive in outlook than even a few weeks ago.
Monday, March 26, 2007
My Friend's Stress Levels
Must be going through the roof. He is due in for a new valve replacement in his Heart and he was put off a day or two after me. We were both meant to be going in on the 19th March. He still hadn't heard when he was going in and was phoning today to see if there was a bed for him.
It must be terribly frustrating for him and I feel for him knowing what I am like and mine is a simple operation without joining the "Zipper Club" He has a serious operation and long recovery and thinking on it and worrying about it cannot be doing him very much good at all.
This is what I find distressing and I was talking to someone else who had gotten all the way down to theatre just to be told that the Operation was cancelled. If that had happened to me I'd probably freak out completely, all the build up to the Op and (I think I've described it before in this blog) the actual moment of being wheeled down on the meat wagon.
It is stressful enough having to go in to Hospital (go on show me someone who likes it?) and to have the stress of ringing up each day at noon to see if they are ready for you. What can that be like - how can you live your life, make commitments and so on?
These things should be the exception given the billions and billions of pounds poured into the Health Service and yet it is the norm - as long as the targets and paperwork are met then it is OK to treat people like this. I probably over simplify the case. I have absolutely no doubt that it is Government intrusion that affects the patients and that given the right circumstances we would have value for money rather than meeting politically set targets that change every time they need to show a statistical improvement. I must stop watching Ben Elton tapes - all getting a little bit political there wasn't it? :-)
It must be terribly frustrating for him and I feel for him knowing what I am like and mine is a simple operation without joining the "Zipper Club" He has a serious operation and long recovery and thinking on it and worrying about it cannot be doing him very much good at all.
This is what I find distressing and I was talking to someone else who had gotten all the way down to theatre just to be told that the Operation was cancelled. If that had happened to me I'd probably freak out completely, all the build up to the Op and (I think I've described it before in this blog) the actual moment of being wheeled down on the meat wagon.
It is stressful enough having to go in to Hospital (go on show me someone who likes it?) and to have the stress of ringing up each day at noon to see if they are ready for you. What can that be like - how can you live your life, make commitments and so on?
These things should be the exception given the billions and billions of pounds poured into the Health Service and yet it is the norm - as long as the targets and paperwork are met then it is OK to treat people like this. I probably over simplify the case. I have absolutely no doubt that it is Government intrusion that affects the patients and that given the right circumstances we would have value for money rather than meeting politically set targets that change every time they need to show a statistical improvement. I must stop watching Ben Elton tapes - all getting a little bit political there wasn't it? :-)
A late night thought
I'm again sitting at the PC and sorting out some trivial stuff but nevertheless stuff that has to get done and sorted and I'm involved in all sorts of things. Today - I was chatting about finding someone in Bulgaria for a friend of mine to open up some trading links with, transport for someone else for tomorrow, my daughter's issues with her previous employer, working out some finances and end of year accounts that just wont balance and yet every penny is accounted for in and out :-) I've been sorting some stuff out for the old company and tonight went out to a club where I am also treasurer. I've also managed to review some one's document, edit it, agree the edits and print 50 copies off of that, stuck it in an envelope ready for posting in the morning and I'm still at it!
All these little jobs need to get done and I need to sort them out. Easter is coming and we have the Easter Egg Hunt run by some chums and there was me worrying about tedium last week and not getting away on holiday - I haven't got time to do either really :-)
I perhaps ought to drop some more commitments.
All these little jobs need to get done and I need to sort them out. Easter is coming and we have the Easter Egg Hunt run by some chums and there was me worrying about tedium last week and not getting away on holiday - I haven't got time to do either really :-)
I perhaps ought to drop some more commitments.
Little things please little minds
I am so pleased with myself this afternoon. The fact that my BP is down and that I've lost a few pounds in weight - well you might as well have told me I'd won the lottery or something.
I've had a quick sit down in the garden - the sun is shining - and I am feeling great. It is good to feel good about yourself n'est pas? I'll see if I can carry this forward this week and be really positive.
I've had a quick sit down in the garden - the sun is shining - and I am feeling great. It is good to feel good about yourself n'est pas? I'll see if I can carry this forward this week and be really positive.
I suppose that isn't bad in a week
I have lost about 2 Kgs last week. That's what? About 4Lbs so I am really pleased with that, I was expecting less really.
My taste without salt is gradually coming around as well and that has been a couple of weeks I suppose. I can now tell if something has salt in it - the bread today was especially salty and I've noticed things like gravy which was almost too salty for me.
I've probably more than halved my daily intake of salt and I've got over the hunger pangs from last week's serious drop in calories :-)
I've stopped having any sort of spread on my bread, I've had a very small amount of cheese and I've increased my fruit intake massively.
This week doesn't feel half as bad as last week and I'm not feeling quite as gloomy - I suppose I was a bit depressed because I was dieting and had no comfort foods - I hadn't thought of that.
So, there you go, where there is a will and once you can get over the initial shock to the system - things become bearable. Now I'm quite used to checking the packages on just about everything before I eat it and I've been particularly careful to make sure that I'm getting enough fruit and fibre plus a balance of everything else too. I reckon you can go too far with this sort of thing and miss out something that is good for you.
I am even more pleased that my blood pressure has come down to prehypertension levels. I think that is a combination of things. I am certainly far less stressed about things than I was when they first cancelled my Operation. The disappointment and anger would have raised my pressure but, I'm almost certain that eating the right things and cutting down on salt have really helped. I am hoping that a few more weeks of this sort of lifestyle will get everything down to manageable levels - I may need to speak to the Doc about some stress relief before going into hospital - I have some Valium left from when I had to go and have the cystoscopy under a local - perhaps I just need that or perhaps I can get my buddy to hypnotise me or something.
My taste without salt is gradually coming around as well and that has been a couple of weeks I suppose. I can now tell if something has salt in it - the bread today was especially salty and I've noticed things like gravy which was almost too salty for me.
I've probably more than halved my daily intake of salt and I've got over the hunger pangs from last week's serious drop in calories :-)
I've stopped having any sort of spread on my bread, I've had a very small amount of cheese and I've increased my fruit intake massively.
This week doesn't feel half as bad as last week and I'm not feeling quite as gloomy - I suppose I was a bit depressed because I was dieting and had no comfort foods - I hadn't thought of that.
So, there you go, where there is a will and once you can get over the initial shock to the system - things become bearable. Now I'm quite used to checking the packages on just about everything before I eat it and I've been particularly careful to make sure that I'm getting enough fruit and fibre plus a balance of everything else too. I reckon you can go too far with this sort of thing and miss out something that is good for you.
I am even more pleased that my blood pressure has come down to prehypertension levels. I think that is a combination of things. I am certainly far less stressed about things than I was when they first cancelled my Operation. The disappointment and anger would have raised my pressure but, I'm almost certain that eating the right things and cutting down on salt have really helped. I am hoping that a few more weeks of this sort of lifestyle will get everything down to manageable levels - I may need to speak to the Doc about some stress relief before going into hospital - I have some Valium left from when I had to go and have the cystoscopy under a local - perhaps I just need that or perhaps I can get my buddy to hypnotise me or something.
Exercising Again
Got back to 30 minutes exercising this morning and no sign of the back twinge thank goodness. I can feel my muscles tightening up and I have noticed my waist is getting smaller. I can fit inside a few of my suits now and some of my casual trousers. I still prefer to wear jogging bottoms as they are more comfortable around the house and don't bite in. No dizzy spells or anything similar either.
Additionally I can also tell that my stamina is up I can exercise for 30 minutes without taking a break or gasping for air and I am getting greater distances and bigger calorie burns every few days.
Additionally I can also tell that my stamina is up I can exercise for 30 minutes without taking a break or gasping for air and I am getting greater distances and bigger calorie burns every few days.
The only clock I forgot to put forward
Was the one in my office which is why at almost 1 in the morning I am wondering why I feel this tired when it isn't even midnight.
I can't blame that on my bladder - or can I?
I wonder what else I could possibly get away with by blaming my condition? You could try almost anything I suppose. "Sorry Officer, my bladder made me do it!"
Maybe not then. Talking of Officers -I had the most surreal dream the other day featuring Ricky Gervais who was drinking in the pub I was in and on being mistaken for a policemen lets some long haired yob off of not having his tax disk (the lad mentions it himself). the youth who is possibly the leader of the village idiots then asks what the policeman's secret signs are. Gervais passes him two walnuts and says if he ever gets stopped he is to hold these in his hand bounce them up and down and wink to the officer saying that two nuts are better than one.
That was it, the dream ended there but perhaps it should and you and I can think what would happen to the lad when he next got tugged by the law?
You see with that sort of sense of humour I'm sure they could have got me upside down on the operating table and given my brain a TURBT? This is pretty strange - even for me but it WAS a dream.
I can't blame that on my bladder - or can I?
I wonder what else I could possibly get away with by blaming my condition? You could try almost anything I suppose. "Sorry Officer, my bladder made me do it!"
Maybe not then. Talking of Officers -I had the most surreal dream the other day featuring Ricky Gervais who was drinking in the pub I was in and on being mistaken for a policemen lets some long haired yob off of not having his tax disk (the lad mentions it himself). the youth who is possibly the leader of the village idiots then asks what the policeman's secret signs are. Gervais passes him two walnuts and says if he ever gets stopped he is to hold these in his hand bounce them up and down and wink to the officer saying that two nuts are better than one.
That was it, the dream ended there but perhaps it should and you and I can think what would happen to the lad when he next got tugged by the law?
You see with that sort of sense of humour I'm sure they could have got me upside down on the operating table and given my brain a TURBT? This is pretty strange - even for me but it WAS a dream.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Too Late
I just found an e-mail that I had skipped over - I could have gone to a gig on Saturday night - I had an invite - and there was me sitting here bored stupid.
Note to self - must read your e-mails properly - Doh!
Note to self - must read your e-mails properly - Doh!
Well I'm alright
It would be a turn up for the books if I was now suffering from low blood pressure :-) so says one of my books about dizziness.
Apparently it is possible that as I woke up and got up I managed to give myself a dizzy spell - anyway - I've been fine for the rest of the day.
I'll see what tomorrow brings when I get up. At least the rest has meant my back feels a lot better as well.
I've managed to more than halve the level of salt in my diet and I've knocked out many of the fatty things (you've got to have some of course) and I will see how the diet has gone tomorrow. I feel like I've lost a little around my waist already but I have a long way to go to get back to where I was this time last year I'm afraid. As with all these things you can't just drop and shed pounds in a crash diet it needs to be burnt off gradually and slowly which is what I intend to do.
Apparently it is possible that as I woke up and got up I managed to give myself a dizzy spell - anyway - I've been fine for the rest of the day.
I'll see what tomorrow brings when I get up. At least the rest has meant my back feels a lot better as well.
I've managed to more than halve the level of salt in my diet and I've knocked out many of the fatty things (you've got to have some of course) and I will see how the diet has gone tomorrow. I feel like I've lost a little around my waist already but I have a long way to go to get back to where I was this time last year I'm afraid. As with all these things you can't just drop and shed pounds in a crash diet it needs to be burnt off gradually and slowly which is what I intend to do.
A might have been bored last night
But this morning I couldn't get up as I was really dizzy. The room was going round and around and it wasn't booze.
I spent the rest of the morning lying down and I seem to be fine now. I haven't had one of those for years and years. The whole room was on the spin.
I'm OK now - I skipped exercise as my back is still twinging and I was concerned in case I got dizzy again and fell off the cross trainer.
I am going to take the rest of the day off and just do nothing and see how I am after that
I spent the rest of the morning lying down and I seem to be fine now. I haven't had one of those for years and years. The whole room was on the spin.
I'm OK now - I skipped exercise as my back is still twinging and I was concerned in case I got dizzy again and fell off the cross trainer.
I am going to take the rest of the day off and just do nothing and see how I am after that
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Bored
Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored.
Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored.
Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored.
Too bored to type it out - Ctrl C & Ctrl V for ever!
Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored.
Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored.
Too bored to type it out - Ctrl C & Ctrl V for ever!
Minor Injury
To my back - I obviously didn't warm up sufficiently this morning and I've got a slight pull to my back. I think it will be OK as soon as I felt it start to complain I stopped - I only did 20 minutes this morning.
Everyone out of the house and I'm stuck here trying to get a balance sheet to balance. One of those strange ones everything looks fine but I am a few pounds out. I can't see it for looking - Perhaps I'll take a short break and then review it again.
It is normally something very straight forward.
Everyone out of the house and I'm stuck here trying to get a balance sheet to balance. One of those strange ones everything looks fine but I am a few pounds out. I can't see it for looking - Perhaps I'll take a short break and then review it again.
It is normally something very straight forward.
Friday, March 23, 2007
Collateral Damage
I feel there has got to be some out of all of this. Whether it be those nearest and dearest or perhaps acquaintances. I notice some people have got closer, some more remote and others are neutral so perhaps that's just me.
The problem is of course that I have changed - I think - quite a lot although maybe some wouldn't say that. I do have different values and ideals now.
It is a strange thing to say but perhaps cancer fragments lives - I hope it doesn't destroy them but perhaps you pay for the cure with something else. I have a strong feeling that coming out of this will change my life far more than I could have dreamt.
I'll have to wait and see on that I suppose - it is intuition talking not fact.
The problem is of course that I have changed - I think - quite a lot although maybe some wouldn't say that. I do have different values and ideals now.
It is a strange thing to say but perhaps cancer fragments lives - I hope it doesn't destroy them but perhaps you pay for the cure with something else. I have a strong feeling that coming out of this will change my life far more than I could have dreamt.
I'll have to wait and see on that I suppose - it is intuition talking not fact.
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