Now that you come to mention it

I said I had found the early letters and here are a few of the actual words on the one after the first operation:

"His Bladder tumour was a G3P T1 so [sic] so with earlier invasion and I have explained this to him.  It was a moderate size so it does represent potential risk to him and I have explained that we will need to do  a further Cystoscopy and Biopsy to improve the staging. "

That was a long time ago though and it was interesting coming across the letter again.   It brought it back to me and that conversation with my Consultant when she explained the full gravity of this particular diagnosis.  

It is amazing how things have progressed from there.  The potential risk has diminished but the "potential" is always there.  It was explained that there is a significant chance of a recurrence but the longer you stay clear then the risk goes down.

It was quite good to see these and just remind myself of my good fortune.  

I didn't expect to get back that late

But I eventually caught the 23:15 train home! I went out with my Nephew who is back from Luxembourg for good and my work colleagues had also come over. I ended up going home a lot later than I thought I would.

The new car is here and looks very nice indeed. Everyone seems happy apart from my wallet which is creaking and groaning under the strain :-).

I pulled out some of my papers and found the original letter from the Hospital confirming my diagnosis. It made quite sombre reading. Especially the words "It is quite a significant threat to him."

Now the Vice Chairman

Of the London Lunchtimers.  www.lunchtimers.org 

But Flocky has just dropped me a line to say his dizzy spells have come back and I have to say - now that he mentions it - so I can feel every so slightly the same.  Mind you I had one of my sneezing fits tonight (runs in the family and we don't sneeze once - we sneeze with rhythm!).

I was explaining to someone today how important it was to have a mundane job and then why I hated it so much.  A strange twist in my outlook as I now feel so under utilised that I can take almost 4 days off this week and still have completed all I need to do!

Other than the risk of getting the dizzy spells back I do hope to get in to work tomorrow as I have an appointment I'd like to keep with our PR compatriots in the other charities.

Even Keeled

Or I appear to be now.  How strange that was.  I did a quick check on my Blood Pressure and I was normal but low for me 128 / 90.  I did go downstairs and take things easy - easy enough to fall asleep for an hour or so and I've gradually felt better.  Now I am about to go to bed and I can still notice that I have been a little off balance but nowhere near the feeling that I was about to pass out that I had earlier in the day.  That was most weird.

I missed going to my Lodge meeting tonight but if I'd have collapsed there it wouldn't have been much fun either.  

Tomorrow is a busy day again, I hope that I'll be able to last through as I have a conference call tomorrow to sort out some figures and a lunchtime appointment which I am looking forward to as I should be voted the Vice Chair of a dining club and that will give me something to do in the next few years!  If I do get voted on then this time next year I take the chair.

So off to bed and hopefully the wobbly balance stuff will be gone in the morning.  It is always a worry when you wander around as if drunk and yet have been nowhere near alcohol.

Good Old Flocky

Was on the phone to me to see how I was.  Strange thing this dizzy stuff, he had the same yesterday and so perhaps something going around.  It is the most strange feeling.

Mrs F. just told me that perhaps I need to slow down a bit and take things easy.  I can't think that I have been overdoing it but as she rightly reminded me I've been in my office for 12 hours yesterday and a good 8 already today.

I think I shall take my own advice then and go and sit downstairs and take it easy.  I was due out but have now cancelled that (although I've given myself a buffer of an hour on that decision).  I really wanted to go but sometimes I need someone to reflect back the advice I'd give to others which is go and sit quietly downstairs and take it easy for a short while then see how you feel.

Perhaps overdoing it is a bit too far but time to take it easy nonetheless.

What is this?

I feel most peculiar.  I've come over all dizzy and light headed.  Not quite feinting but nevertheless not good.

I'm going to sit outside for a while and get some fresh air and might have to go and lie down.  I don't need a cold or anything else right now - I have too much to do.

Nearly Cured - Prevention

As I walk around I see people putting their health at risk all the time and I feel sorry for them.  I see young people smoking and I wonder what health problems they are storing up for themselves in the future.  Some people who can hardly walk or waddle along as they are so overweight and you just know that Diabetes and heart problems are just waiting in the wings.

Steve in the US has written a number of extremely interesting blogs about lifestyle and the latest 2 here and here have really made me sit up and think.  

One of the major things I did was to cut down on sugar and I changed my lifestyle.  I was a bit binary at the begining causing myself all sorts of trouble.  I wanted things fixed in a few days and in reality changes take a little longer than a few days do do.  I also overdid most things.  SImple diet changes include increased fruit and vegetable intake and what I thought was a good idea to reduce my sugar intake, cut right back on salt and also cut back on processed items as much as possible.  

Invariably you cannot cut everything out but you can take many steps to do so.  As my Doctor told me "Don't live like a Hermit".   However the shock is around the changes I made in sugar as I moved away from sugar and in doing so cut down caffeine.  I used sweeteners to replace the sugar.  It appears that these may have adverse affects on my bladder.  Sugar, as you can see from Steve's research, and Cancers tend to go hand in hand.   So I am now looking at cutting these down too.  I am sure I cannot just give them up but I will phase them out.  It is going to make my occasional Espresso taste different but then maybe I'll allow myself the odd one every now and then.  

There are a number of things you can do to gradually change your lifestyle and reducing salt, sugar and saturated fats are some of them.  I can't be arsed to go to extremes on this though.   We all know that a balanced meal using fresh ingredients, plenty of fruit and vegetables and ensuring that your fibre intake is correct etc. all lead to better health and that together with moderate exercise also help.  Balance Diet - those two words say it all.  Don't live like a Hermit, don't become obsessed and faddy with food.  If you happen to be tempted by a huge Jam Doughnut today, grab some fruit later or tomorrow.  After all you can treat yourself once in a while can't you?

Good Grief

Charlie Brown! What a week it has been. the windows and doors were fixed today, the girls bought a new car and I don't suppose the spending will have stopped there. I've paid for A's Hasselblad Camera - although - to be fair she is paying me back. I've had to buy a new Laser Printer as it is cheaper than buying supplies for my old (15 months) one! What is the world coming to when I can buy a printer cheaper than the supplies that go in it and it is cheaper to throw away the old one than get the new stuff for it? What a crazy world we live in.

I'm at home again tomorrow and hope to get a bit more work done. I've been pretty busy setting up the new printer and looking after the window guy so managed only a little today. At least I wasn't at work where I threw a spanner in earlier as the Christmas Card supplier cannot print our specials and get them back to us until early December if I gave them the finalised card now. Interestingly enough, the committee are still messing about with it and so maybe they will sort them that out by the time I get back. Oh look pigs just flew by my window.

Oh well - off to bed - to see if another night's sleep will improve things!

It is actually hard to cope with being this tired

I'm bumping along the bottom of fitness at the moment and last night was a prime example of what my tiredness is like. I went to bed late around about midnight - I didn't need to be up until about 8 and so figured that this would work out fine for me.

I woke at least 3 times during the night feeling uncomfortable and made my way to the bathroom but I really felt sleepy, as if I could go to sleep on my feet each time.

I automatically wake at 5:18 every morning just before my alarm goes off, I knew I wasn't at work and so went back to sleep. My alarm went off at 7:45 and I did no more than turn that off and eventually dragged myself out of bed.

I'm glad that I will be at home today and tomorrow so that I can catch up and this is after just one day at work! It almost beggars belief that I can feel so lethargic.

The problem is this isn't feeling tired like you can for a day or two, this just goes on and on and on. Sure there are good and bad days associated with it and I'm not getting any worse thank goodness hence my comment bumping along the bottom. The answer has to be to get even more exercise and to work on my diet further. Both aren't easy considering that I leave the house at just gone 6 in the morning and get back around about 6:30 and so my time is severely limited.

I ought to face up to the facts that I ought to be doing something at work (despite the fact that I walk a fair distance each day to and from the stations at either end). However, to get a routine would be difficult to achieve such is my crazy schedule of meetings etc. Additionally it just isn't something I particularly "get". Going to a Gym and then coming back to work or even going before or after work.

I realise that the solution is in my control and so I need to work out what to do.

It is November

And the Christmas adverts are in full flow. Not that these are the first - oh no - we have been bombarded throughout October. Worse than that I saw my first one in July - YES - July.

Every day is Christmas for me of course.

At least we didn't get any Halloween visits this year and the fireworks ave been kept to a minimum for the past few days by the rain.

So - what else can I blog about apart from just being generally a bit offish at the moment. Work isn't great and I just don't seem to feel motivated but that is just one of those things. I know work is going to be frustrating and annoy the hell out of me tomorrow and so a few days off work will sort it out no doubt.

Here I go again

I haven't worked for an organisation for longer than 18 months for - O - I suppose 35 years. I may have worked for the same company for longer but I've always worked on different customer's sites and for the duration of a project.

It is 20 months since I started at the Charity and I'm getting to that point in my job that it really is beginning to get - well - boring. The people are great but the work is now routine and mundane. The big project is delivered and I'm now struggling with "committee authoring". This fannying around and arguing semantics is wearing extremely thin at the moment. I have decided to take a few days off and to space out my working and that will perhaps help with the anger management bit.

Certainly this week I need to just pull away from the office a little bit as I'm certainly not enjoying things there at present.

That was nice

A day out with the in-laws and the family. Up to Covent Garden - within sight of my office and then on to see Sleeping Beauty which was nice enough. Ballet is OK but they do overdo the pas de deux bit in the last act - we managed to get back in time to get A off to work on time despite one of the trains being cancelled.

Covent Garden is always lively enough at the weekend and it was a bit of a shame to have to dash back.

A nice Saturday for a change.

Another Day Off of Work

I woke as normal at 5:20 but I'd had a bit of a disturbed night. The problem is one of sustained energy and I've been out and about two or three times this week. When I woke up I just felt tired out and wanted to go back to sleep. A good 4 hours later I was fine.

It at least gave me a rest and time to do some work at home including some of my other business work.

I really could do with a number of days off work to try and catch up with other things that are backing up. I think that I will try and sort out some time off next week and once again find that I have so many things on that my work and social life are somewhat at conflict with one another.

In other news - a new car is on the cards as Mrs F and A have test driven a car that they like and no one can find anything wrong with the other car and no one has confidence in it anymore.

We are off tomorrow to see Sleeping Beauty at the Opera House Covent Garden so looking forward to that although it is right next door to my office so a bit of deja vu there then!

Mr Angry and my Anger Management Course

I cannot believe how angry I am these past few days. I finally want to BURST and give people a piece of my mind. It seems so absurd that such trivial things become major issues and listening to the bleating going on just makes me want to go sort things out for them.

Of course I am too polite (most of the time) to do that but every now and then someone catches the "benefit" of my acid tongue.

I really wanted to go and slap someone around today who patently had no idea what they were on about and wittered away and really needed divine intervention by way of a lightning bolt or a large stick of dynamite shoved up their backside to try and reverse the flow!

I was confiding to a friend tonight that I really needed to decide what I wanted to do as I could so easily walk away from my job tomorrow to stop me physically biffing someone for being a prize arsehole or, a jobsworth! People really can irritate the hell out of me sometimes.

Tuesday

Was a very busy day and I was out at lunch and later on in the evening out with the old school chums - hence no posting.

I was tired as anything today and work was OK I suppose. Tomorrow is a crazy day as all sorts of things happen in London and I am off to a meeting for an artistic company to look at what they might be able to do image wise for us and then on to a meeting of my other business concern. My mate is off to Dubai for a month and so it is the last chance I get to see him before he goes.

It is all rushing about - and it doesn't stop as next week looks to be filling up too.

Health wise - I'm OK - I met lots of people yesterday who are happy about my situation which is good. I just hope that it continues.

Been A Long Day - Happy Birthday Blog

Yes it has been a long day for me and it is the Blog's 3rd Birthday today so well done blog! We are out of the terrible twos now and past the turbulent threes and into our fourth year.

I went out today around 2 pm and have just got back. We went over to Essex for a lodge meeting and had a great time - most enjoyable. It is one of the great joys of vi sting that you can just sit back and enjoy yourself. I met some lovely people and had a great evening.

We got back here in time to have a last beer at my local.

Tomorrow - I'm off again for a lunchtime event and then out in the evening with my mates from school! I will be completely wiped out by tomorrow evening and it doesn't stop there either - more later on this week too.

Conflicting Advice

Well A is back and that was an expensive lesson to learn all around. The car is now dumped on the drive and is looking sorry for itself. Hopefully we can get it fixed quickly and get it back on the road.

Depends on who you listen to on what the trouble is and how difficult/easy it is to fix it.

Did we take out tow cover on the car?

No of course not. A is now stuck on the hard shoulder of the M25 and will probably need towing home. Apparently the garage couldn't work out that the flickering battery light was a failing alternator - no shit Sherlock!

So we have to wait now to see what the action is going to be. Probably a hefty bill for the tow and the repair bill. Great.

At least we had the breakdown cover I suppose. Mind you I'm still less than happy about making a journey of that length in a car that wasn't fit to do it. I'm sure that they knew I would have questioned the decision given those facts.

Oh well - let's hope everyone learnt a lesson this weekend.

It may not be apparent

But one of the huge things that happens to you is that your self esteem and your confidence take a terrible knock when you get Cancer. It takes lots of conscious effort to do things you used to do before and take as granted. Not so much everyday things but for me, if you look back, getting onto a train, working a 9 to 5, going to a concert and other things brought on panic attacks and an attack of the jitters.

You can't always build yourself up and you can't as easily switch on the charm. Being and playing the part of host (like yesterday) takes a massive amount out of me these days both physically and emotionally. Sure I'll recover but the build up to such things and the events themselves tend to be little ordeals in their own right.

So if you wonder why I have huge mood swings in my writing it is most probably that I'm in preparation mode for something when I could be low or after an event when I could be high. What you don't need when you are low and forcing yourself onwards is yet another piece of news or event to make you feel worse than you already are - such as the last few day's posts. There were a series of events last week that did little to improve my overall outlook.

Anyway, that is behind me but remember that you aren't always delivered the real me in any of this stuff, sometimes it is clearly linked to how I feel and my level of self esteem and confidence at the time. That can change quite quickly.

And so ends

One of the busiest days of the year made no easier by worrying about my daughter and getting a shocking onset of the glums. I was with a friend this afternoon who is dying and is under care of the local Hospice. He lives life for every day, to the full and just gets on with it. he isn't going to die this side of Christmas and maybe not even next year but if he got a nasty cold or Flu or some infection that could well see him off. Now that's the sort of thing that happily isn't my situation but I think it is fair to say that he and I fully understand that attitude and most people who haven't had a critical illness can only imagine.

I have a pessimistic view and I reckon that something will get me sooner or later. I've had a guy I know die this week, I've talked to this chap today and sometimes I am just a bit down. Today though, I was really doing well, I had my table in stitches and we had a good laugh and I hope that everyone enjoyed themselves. Flocky and I worked really hard to make sure everything worked well and it did!

I'm probably feeling more up than down at the moment but it is just one of those things. Just because everyone is out to get me doesn't mean I'm Paranoid - or does it?