Conundrums indeed, it's the problems that need working through. I've said it before on here and it goes something along these lines:
Many things have changed since Bladder Cancer. Life means something entirely different. Work means something entirely different. I don't want to live like I lived before. I don't enjoy doing what I used to do and go out of my way to avoid some things altogether. All the stuff that went on before is now almost null and void for no other reason than it no longer exists or holds its interest. Only I have changed and I don't expect everyone else to do so just because of me.
I was explaining that the things that really brought us together no longer exists. That would be building our house, saving and getting the stuff of life, cars, furniture and all that good stuff. We built a home then we had kids and then found out that all those things we did no longer exists other than in a set of then and now photographs. You can't live in the past - it's a shame but it can't happen - many people are trying to go back to the days of their youth and it's not a good look people! :-) Having witnessed the 60 years olds with long grey hair tied in a pony tail reliving their acid days at some tribute band gig is not where I want to be and not what I want to do. It captures nothing and takes you nowhere further on.
I don't think I particularly need to do anything way off base either, I just want to enjoy what's left of the rest of my life. I'd like a house by the coast or in the country, a local ambiance and village feel to the place, the opportunity to know people and to do something to make ends meet but just to make ends meet. The trouble is that this idealised lifestyle may exists but comes at a price and that's giving up what we have here. I may be prepared to do that but would others? How idyllic is it in reality and so on. On the other hand, I'm quite happy to go and revisit my old life but I think that, if I do, it will be on my terms and that won't be acceptable and I'd want to live near where I work not have to commute which I really cannot stand either.
I may want all of these things but, it is what I want and not what suits everyone else. That's the thing that needs sorting out. If it doesn't work for two or more it may not work at all. That's the worry and perhaps why it has taken so long to get to this point. But here we are, at long last, able to at least face up to it even if we don't enjoy what we are seeing.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Different
I suppose that's good, things are different all of a sudden but it's strange not having the normal "day-to-day" atmosphere happening. Of course, it's just a day in but perhaps it's the start of a new dialogue. Let's see what happens and how things progress.
Off out later to a meeting in Gillingham and so a small trip out is in order via bus and train - it's a reasonably long journey, I used to do it regularly years ago. Hope that they don't go on for too long as it usually means I'm getting back way gone midnight.
Funeral tomorrow of one of our members, a nice guy, not too sure whether to go as the place will be mobbed out and I really don't like crowded rooms at the best of times.
Off out later to a meeting in Gillingham and so a small trip out is in order via bus and train - it's a reasonably long journey, I used to do it regularly years ago. Hope that they don't go on for too long as it usually means I'm getting back way gone midnight.
Funeral tomorrow of one of our members, a nice guy, not too sure whether to go as the place will be mobbed out and I really don't like crowded rooms at the best of times.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Another Victim
Ex work colleague, a few years older than me, told he has aggressive form of Cancer, dead in 6 weeks. Shame.
If you've had Cancer and you are a survivor it brings back some strange feelings and a queasy uneasiness as you recollect your own memories of the diagnosis and the prognosis. I don't think I actually asked whether I would die because it wasn't explained to me as terminal, it was aggressive however and it was close to being out of control, a few layers of cells and we all know how small they are!
I try not to make too much of it but in reality it IS a big thing and it altered everything. Years back I suggested collateral damage and there's every possibility that is coming to be now although I don't know what that means, it does concern me. Of course, what will be will be and whatever may happen couldn't be anywhere near as bad as getting Cancer, I don't think much else comes near at all.
If you've had Cancer and you are a survivor it brings back some strange feelings and a queasy uneasiness as you recollect your own memories of the diagnosis and the prognosis. I don't think I actually asked whether I would die because it wasn't explained to me as terminal, it was aggressive however and it was close to being out of control, a few layers of cells and we all know how small they are!
I try not to make too much of it but in reality it IS a big thing and it altered everything. Years back I suggested collateral damage and there's every possibility that is coming to be now although I don't know what that means, it does concern me. Of course, what will be will be and whatever may happen couldn't be anywhere near as bad as getting Cancer, I don't think much else comes near at all.
Needed to be said
Well things needed to be said because I kept coming back to the same old road block in my thinking. I played a scenario where I would live as long as my dad giving me 27 more years on this planet. I then played the 10 more years until I can "officially" retire, that gave me perhaps 17 years then I worked out that as I'd already had cancer once that I might well be more susceptible to more (I have no evidence whatsoever to support this).
What I kept coming back to was that many of the things in my bucket list were things that only I really would enjoy doing. I then started making a list of things that Mrs. F. and I enjoy doing together which never got past 2 things! Many of the things that kept us together in the past, buying and renovating our two houses, the massive garden and all the fruit, doing our own wine and jams etc growing our own veg were all part of how we grew up together, then there were the children and everything has gone into their health and wellbeing and now that they are substantially off our hands (not entirely) there's nothing much left to do and please I don't need a list of suggestions at the moment - only we actually know what would work.
It actually feels like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and probably off of Mrs. F's too as she is as aware of this as I am and so it just now needs to be worked through. Unfortunately she isn't a pragmatist or an optimist when it comes to these things. She can't see that she could easily give up the rubbish job she is in now and we could go and do something far more fulfilling but that's a discussion to come.
Today I'm going to sort out a huge crop of apples that are lying around in the kitchen and a little later will meet up with Flocky Bicep for a few post work beers and a chat. I do feel quite bad that I've upset Mrs. F. but I also it should at last get stuff out of my head, off of my mindmaps and out for discussion. If we don't talk it through then there's no chance of resolving things.
Anyway, at least we've kicked off the dialogue and we will see where it goes. Whilst I don't feel good about that, it needs to happen and containing it like I have for these past years wasn't a good ploy but perhaps I just wasn't ready to do anything about it. Who knows, cowardice on my side or perhaps, more like me, keeping testing and checking to make sure that it wasn't "in my head" before coming clean.
What I kept coming back to was that many of the things in my bucket list were things that only I really would enjoy doing. I then started making a list of things that Mrs. F. and I enjoy doing together which never got past 2 things! Many of the things that kept us together in the past, buying and renovating our two houses, the massive garden and all the fruit, doing our own wine and jams etc growing our own veg were all part of how we grew up together, then there were the children and everything has gone into their health and wellbeing and now that they are substantially off our hands (not entirely) there's nothing much left to do and please I don't need a list of suggestions at the moment - only we actually know what would work.
It actually feels like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and probably off of Mrs. F's too as she is as aware of this as I am and so it just now needs to be worked through. Unfortunately she isn't a pragmatist or an optimist when it comes to these things. She can't see that she could easily give up the rubbish job she is in now and we could go and do something far more fulfilling but that's a discussion to come.
Today I'm going to sort out a huge crop of apples that are lying around in the kitchen and a little later will meet up with Flocky Bicep for a few post work beers and a chat. I do feel quite bad that I've upset Mrs. F. but I also it should at last get stuff out of my head, off of my mindmaps and out for discussion. If we don't talk it through then there's no chance of resolving things.
Anyway, at least we've kicked off the dialogue and we will see where it goes. Whilst I don't feel good about that, it needs to happen and containing it like I have for these past years wasn't a good ploy but perhaps I just wasn't ready to do anything about it. Who knows, cowardice on my side or perhaps, more like me, keeping testing and checking to make sure that it wasn't "in my head" before coming clean.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
I Feel Horrible
God I feel bad, I hate upsetting Mrs. F. she is a diamond lass and does everything for her children and more. That's both the good and the bad as I've largely been ignored for the "children years". Not that I minded that, it was my job to hoover up the big bucks and provide the house, funds for the school, trips, dancing etc., whatever was needed and whilst I was away grafting my arse off, the mortgage got paid, the bills were covered and everything worked fine.
In fact all was well until a year or two before I got ill when suddenly I wasn't quite "me" any more and in fact I was ailing. Since then I've struggled mentally and physically - and as regular readers know - I've gone through the mill every which way possible. That's my outcome from cancer, not everyones of course. I'm changed and I'm no longer who I was and my value system has changed possibly diametrically so if I really level with myself, I'm no longer the person she knew and the change is marked.
But I feel really bad to bring this all to a head now. In reality I feel that I must have definitely left the signal on the browser consciously so Mrs. F. could find it. It had to be done, it needs to be said and glory knows we haven't spoken to each other properly in years. She works her butt off and is always tired, can't spend time to talk to me, is in some sort of mood and so on. The kids always come before me (and I don't begrudge that) but that's just where it is.
Anyway - I feel really bad because I've upset her tonight and she is taking it really badly. All I want to do is discuss it but I'm a professional consultant type with all the questions and all the answers. I need to tread on eggshells when we do talk. I feel like a sh1t but I know I have to do this :-(
In fact all was well until a year or two before I got ill when suddenly I wasn't quite "me" any more and in fact I was ailing. Since then I've struggled mentally and physically - and as regular readers know - I've gone through the mill every which way possible. That's my outcome from cancer, not everyones of course. I'm changed and I'm no longer who I was and my value system has changed possibly diametrically so if I really level with myself, I'm no longer the person she knew and the change is marked.
But I feel really bad to bring this all to a head now. In reality I feel that I must have definitely left the signal on the browser consciously so Mrs. F. could find it. It had to be done, it needs to be said and glory knows we haven't spoken to each other properly in years. She works her butt off and is always tired, can't spend time to talk to me, is in some sort of mood and so on. The kids always come before me (and I don't begrudge that) but that's just where it is.
Anyway - I feel really bad because I've upset her tonight and she is taking it really badly. All I want to do is discuss it but I'm a professional consultant type with all the questions and all the answers. I need to tread on eggshells when we do talk. I feel like a sh1t but I know I have to do this :-(
Sh1t Timing
I have to say that I have sh1t timing and I was a bit lax here. I recognised that there was some problems happening especially in terms of "empty nest syndrome" and somehow (maybe consciously) it was left as a search string in the PC Browser. So Mrs. F. cornered me as I got back from the pub. Now as I said at the time of being so cornered - it isn't a great time to talk to me after I've got a few beers down my neck and I'd been laughing and joking with the lads but we had some discussions (shall we say).
It wasn't pleasant but then again I didn't expect it to be but it was a little more unpleasant than I really wanted it to be or needed it to be. In fact it got a bit ugly but then I suppose it was time I said something but I really didn't want to be talking with a few beers down the neck although, on reflection, at least I said it as it was.
Of course, now I've upset things and have been trying to smooth it all over but it's all about money, who does what at home and all that old tosh. Frankly, it wasn't a fair contest and so I stopped it and we need to talk later but at last and at least we are going to talk and I've been wanting to do that for years.
Finally we agree that we don't like each other's choice of music, TV, friends and many other things and that's a huge amount of progress.
Let's see what the rest of the week brings. I feel an absolute bastard for bringing it up but it needs to be said and the conversation needs to be had. I'm worried about the future and Mrs. F. isn't looking past the next pay packet, we are so off base it isn't true. Let's now hope we can work this out at last.
I was surprised I said some of the things I did tonight but I was pretty explicit about my life expectancy and the short time I felt I had left. Mrs. F. is worried about things that aren't even remotely likely to happen unless she wishes hard enough for them to.
At least it is out in the open and at least we know where we stand. I just think that she has held on to too much for too long and thinks it is all her fault when, in reality I think it is mainly my problems we need to tackle. Let's see where it goes from here. It isn't a good night but it is progress and that's what I need now.
It wasn't pleasant but then again I didn't expect it to be but it was a little more unpleasant than I really wanted it to be or needed it to be. In fact it got a bit ugly but then I suppose it was time I said something but I really didn't want to be talking with a few beers down the neck although, on reflection, at least I said it as it was.
Of course, now I've upset things and have been trying to smooth it all over but it's all about money, who does what at home and all that old tosh. Frankly, it wasn't a fair contest and so I stopped it and we need to talk later but at last and at least we are going to talk and I've been wanting to do that for years.
Finally we agree that we don't like each other's choice of music, TV, friends and many other things and that's a huge amount of progress.
Let's see what the rest of the week brings. I feel an absolute bastard for bringing it up but it needs to be said and the conversation needs to be had. I'm worried about the future and Mrs. F. isn't looking past the next pay packet, we are so off base it isn't true. Let's now hope we can work this out at last.
I was surprised I said some of the things I did tonight but I was pretty explicit about my life expectancy and the short time I felt I had left. Mrs. F. is worried about things that aren't even remotely likely to happen unless she wishes hard enough for them to.
At least it is out in the open and at least we know where we stand. I just think that she has held on to too much for too long and thinks it is all her fault when, in reality I think it is mainly my problems we need to tackle. Let's see where it goes from here. It isn't a good night but it is progress and that's what I need now.
Strange
There's something a bit strange going on here. There's me ranting about being unconventional, not wanting to go back into Corporate life and all that good stuff and yet here I am feeling quite OK after submitting my CV to one of the largest Corporate entities on the planet.
I even feel quite good this afternoon and that's also strange. Oh well, I will roll with it and see what happens I guess. So far today I've been on a "bit of a roll" and that's what is so strange about it as it isn't anything confirmed just a possibility.
Off out tonight to see my old school chums - blessed with good friends from around 1967 when my parents moved us to here from London. 45 or more years how nice is that? I have to say that I was very lucky indeed to have been able to continue to have such good pals after all this time.
I even feel quite good this afternoon and that's also strange. Oh well, I will roll with it and see what happens I guess. So far today I've been on a "bit of a roll" and that's what is so strange about it as it isn't anything confirmed just a possibility.
Off out tonight to see my old school chums - blessed with good friends from around 1967 when my parents moved us to here from London. 45 or more years how nice is that? I have to say that I was very lucky indeed to have been able to continue to have such good pals after all this time.
Nearly wrote last night
But I held off as I felt that I wasn't in the right frame of mind. It had been a strange day as I have been in a bloody strange mood since last Thursday and that's not the fault of my mate K, he just asked me how things were and of course he isn't a close, close friend and so the last time we actually spoke spoke was a few months previously when dad died and I was more concentrated on that than current things.
My business partner turned up unexpectedly in the afternoon and we had a good old chin wag about our respective problems, neither of us are certain about the life, the universe and everything :-) we have incredible moments of self doubt and somehow it is our shared experience that is giving us problems. We both had cancer at the same time, we both spent time discussing it and meeting up and it was good for both of us to discuss common problems, we worked together for 2 years (or more) and so we have a lot in common. We get on fine and he had just been for an interview for a very powerful job indeed - that was an interesting in its own right.
We kicked around lots of ideas and put forward lots of reasons for why we weren't feeling great. It boils down to many things including:
My business partner turned up unexpectedly in the afternoon and we had a good old chin wag about our respective problems, neither of us are certain about the life, the universe and everything :-) we have incredible moments of self doubt and somehow it is our shared experience that is giving us problems. We both had cancer at the same time, we both spent time discussing it and meeting up and it was good for both of us to discuss common problems, we worked together for 2 years (or more) and so we have a lot in common. We get on fine and he had just been for an interview for a very powerful job indeed - that was an interesting in its own right.
We kicked around lots of ideas and put forward lots of reasons for why we weren't feeling great. It boils down to many things including:
- Sense of purpose
- Need to "make a difference"
- Survivor syndrome
- Impact of Cancer on mind and body
- Although we don't think the business was a failure - that must be in the back of our minds even though we don't think like that
- Uncertain future direction - not happy to go back into stuff we've done or been to before
These aren't all of them but it's enough. It just goes to show the turmoil rattling around in our heads. In a way we looked at the distraction that the business gave us and the sheer amount of work we did must also have had some impact. Often the end of a project isn't euphoric it is flat and an anti-climax and later you can look back and celebrate. It's possibly grieving for the project that sits there, to this day, with the ability to change people's lives around the world not seeing the light of day?
Anyway it was interesting as Flocky Bicep noted the somewhat morose content of my blog of late.
Last night I wasn't feeling a lot better but today, after having my CV submitted to a major business, I feel slightly more upbeat even though I'm not particularly sure it is what I want, it actually carries different weight into the equation as the business is a world leader and the job would likewise be of the level of seniority that would switch on a few of my needs.
So I feel better but I am not sure if I would want the job under normal circumstances.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Another Day another Dollar?
Not quite, it's been a week and I haven't heard anything about this possible job. I'm somewhat disappointed but I am also not surprised by it either. It may or may not happen and that's just the way of it. The trouble with this is that you can't plan on ifs and buts and maybes and it undermines planning.
Not that I'm a lot further with that either. Procrastination halts me on even the simplest tasks and indecision, uncertainty and doubt certainly manage to give me the runaround. It's not all as bad as it may sound but I could certainly use some clarity in thinking these days. So much for me being the big strategic thinker!
It's like a Plumber whose house if never quite leak free and I find that I'm good at what I do for customers but not at home, that's different :-)
So there we go it's all a bit befuddled at the moment.
Not that I'm a lot further with that either. Procrastination halts me on even the simplest tasks and indecision, uncertainty and doubt certainly manage to give me the runaround. It's not all as bad as it may sound but I could certainly use some clarity in thinking these days. So much for me being the big strategic thinker!
It's like a Plumber whose house if never quite leak free and I find that I'm good at what I do for customers but not at home, that's different :-)
So there we go it's all a bit befuddled at the moment.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Dawned the new day
My shoulder wasn't great overnight and in fact during the day. We went to the Black Tie lunch - it was a bit strange dressing up for it but we had the restaurant to ourselves and very nice it was too. Chez Vous was given over to us for the afternoon and it was a nice lazy afternoon, starting with Champagne and ending with a beer before we went home we had the most marvellous food in between and some superb wines too. All in all very nice. A bit too rich for Mrs. F. but you can't have everything.
It was nice to rest my arm a bit but I had to still try and stop this damn leak at the connection with my new radiator and it did need a serious tighten. It looks to have sorted it but will leave it overnight and see.
I wasn't in a great mood this morning unfortunately and Mrs. F. got the silent treatment a bit. The usual nonsense about going out - it does my head in slightly when suddenly after months of knowing we are going out there such a kerfuffle over what to wear, whether she knows anyone, then she left her glasses behind, then we had to get back into the house to pick up some driving shoes and a list of other things that really annoy someone who is organised like me. Everything is a drama and I have things planned out and set out so that I know where I'm going, how I can get there, what the place looks like (thanks Google Street View) and so on. I know how much money we need to take to pay for it and so on. Mrs. F. knows that I'm this well organised and always have been and still I get it in the neck :-) I don't tend to answer back in these situations as I'd obviously be wrong or stupid :-)
As it happens, it was all sort of OK.
I think my underlying concern is that there's a hint of things to come and that what's called "Empty Nest Syndrome" may be creeping in here. For 22 years we've done nothing other than look after the kids, feed them, take them to school and back and our lives revolved around them pretty much. Many things went by the wayside, I gave up Golf, I hardly play my musical instruments or much of my music these days. Now that A and L aren't around much we suddenly have a big house with 2 of us rattling around in it to such an extent that we can be in the same house and not see each other for hours at a time.
Mrs. F. isn't a great fan of music, let alone my music, she doesn't particularly like going out for meals and similar events (which I get plenty of invites to). She doesn't like going to "my sort" of concerts and there lies a bit of a problem. She has no interest in other interests I have, History and family history nor does she read as prolifically as I do and certainly not the same sort of books, the only interests I see us having these days are holidays and walking but whilst I quite like warm hot places she doesn't, neither does she like cruising (sea or inland).
It appears to me that 22 years investment in the children is well spent but the "sacrifice" in terms of our social lives does appear to be a bit heavier than I expected. Something else to watch out for no doubt! Oh well, at least we are speaking terms after the meal.
It was nice to rest my arm a bit but I had to still try and stop this damn leak at the connection with my new radiator and it did need a serious tighten. It looks to have sorted it but will leave it overnight and see.
I wasn't in a great mood this morning unfortunately and Mrs. F. got the silent treatment a bit. The usual nonsense about going out - it does my head in slightly when suddenly after months of knowing we are going out there such a kerfuffle over what to wear, whether she knows anyone, then she left her glasses behind, then we had to get back into the house to pick up some driving shoes and a list of other things that really annoy someone who is organised like me. Everything is a drama and I have things planned out and set out so that I know where I'm going, how I can get there, what the place looks like (thanks Google Street View) and so on. I know how much money we need to take to pay for it and so on. Mrs. F. knows that I'm this well organised and always have been and still I get it in the neck :-) I don't tend to answer back in these situations as I'd obviously be wrong or stupid :-)
As it happens, it was all sort of OK.
I think my underlying concern is that there's a hint of things to come and that what's called "Empty Nest Syndrome" may be creeping in here. For 22 years we've done nothing other than look after the kids, feed them, take them to school and back and our lives revolved around them pretty much. Many things went by the wayside, I gave up Golf, I hardly play my musical instruments or much of my music these days. Now that A and L aren't around much we suddenly have a big house with 2 of us rattling around in it to such an extent that we can be in the same house and not see each other for hours at a time.
Mrs. F. isn't a great fan of music, let alone my music, she doesn't particularly like going out for meals and similar events (which I get plenty of invites to). She doesn't like going to "my sort" of concerts and there lies a bit of a problem. She has no interest in other interests I have, History and family history nor does she read as prolifically as I do and certainly not the same sort of books, the only interests I see us having these days are holidays and walking but whilst I quite like warm hot places she doesn't, neither does she like cruising (sea or inland).
It appears to me that 22 years investment in the children is well spent but the "sacrifice" in terms of our social lives does appear to be a bit heavier than I expected. Something else to watch out for no doubt! Oh well, at least we are speaking terms after the meal.
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Oh Dear
My backup hard drive has crashed whilst I was transferring files - not happy with that as I may have lost some stuff but hey ho I will have to see if my local shop can recover the data. I am somewhat annoyed as these things are meant to be pretty much bullet proof so I need to warn A as she has one of these for her work!
It's doubly annoying as I was in the middle of backing up and getting ready to move to a more cloud based environment - I will just have to do it if and when the recovery is complete. At least all my important stuff is contained in the cloud as well as there.
I've been on my own here today as Mrs. F has been baby sitting for someone who was going to a wedding - the bad news is they were late and she has only just arrived home. So another day here alone for me. Whilst I got work done, it's been a pretty quiet time. It often is unfortunately and something that I'm getting used to.
We are off out tomorrow for a Black Tie meal in the middle of the day - well almost afternoon as it is sit down at 14:00 - very late for us I have to say. Mrs. F. doesn't really want to go, in fact she doesn't want to go to many of "my things" these days so she is doing it out of sufferance. I hope that it won't show :-)
My shoulder is giving me a bit of jip still - hope it will be alright tomorrow.
It's doubly annoying as I was in the middle of backing up and getting ready to move to a more cloud based environment - I will just have to do it if and when the recovery is complete. At least all my important stuff is contained in the cloud as well as there.
I've been on my own here today as Mrs. F has been baby sitting for someone who was going to a wedding - the bad news is they were late and she has only just arrived home. So another day here alone for me. Whilst I got work done, it's been a pretty quiet time. It often is unfortunately and something that I'm getting used to.
We are off out tomorrow for a Black Tie meal in the middle of the day - well almost afternoon as it is sit down at 14:00 - very late for us I have to say. Mrs. F. doesn't really want to go, in fact she doesn't want to go to many of "my things" these days so she is doing it out of sufferance. I hope that it won't show :-)
My shoulder is giving me a bit of jip still - hope it will be alright tomorrow.
A little better today
Not such a bad start to the morning excepting I have cricked my shoulder once again - it is an old wound which I got from plumbing years ago and having had to stem a small leak I've pulled the muscle and it is giving me a bit of jipp I can tell you. So the bathroom should almost be done now as long as I've stemmed this tiny leak - a drop a day at most from the radiator. I've done the final bit of grouting and set the bath cover back on and it looks OK. I have some chrome pipe covers to install and then we are almost done. A small amount of sealing still to go, as I've held off finishing the WC until I'm convinced that I can finalise it and seal it off properly. It just needs a coat of paint now and I need to make that happen when there is sufficient time to let it dry.
I feel better than yesterday but still a little flat but I think that is to be expected as I'm trying to make some big decisions and I want to get these right because they are big decisions affecting not just me. If it were just me then I think that I'd be OK. I also don't want to be undiplomatic about things either.
Still not heard anything back about this job which is upsetting decisions on my calendar and is complicating me making other arrangements.
I feel better than yesterday but still a little flat but I think that is to be expected as I'm trying to make some big decisions and I want to get these right because they are big decisions affecting not just me. If it were just me then I think that I'd be OK. I also don't want to be undiplomatic about things either.
Still not heard anything back about this job which is upsetting decisions on my calendar and is complicating me making other arrangements.
Friday, October 12, 2012
A Flat Day
Nothing leaves me as flat as having a few drinks and reflecting on another series of conversations that don't actually get me any further forward than I was when I started.
So today is one of those flat days where I don't see much going forward and I can't be arsed to do anything much, I have little inclination and despite wanting to break myself out of this cycle of ups and downs I haven't the "energy" to do much about it. It's the sort of day when my coffee goes cold all the time and I have to warm it up in the microwave, things that could be done are left undone and so on.
I dislike these days as I never quite get up enough head of steam to get myself motivated and up and at them. I was planning on doing the bathroom but really couldn't be bothered and I'm sitting at my PC most of the day, goodness knows what I'm doing, it isn't much but there you go.
It is actually a nice looking day outside, the sun is shining and it's a crisp autumn day with the leaves turning colour nicely and yet that's not motivating either. I know things are bad as I've put one of my Coldplay albums on :-)
Oh well, muddle on for the rest of the day and perhaps I'll pick up at the weekend :-)
So today is one of those flat days where I don't see much going forward and I can't be arsed to do anything much, I have little inclination and despite wanting to break myself out of this cycle of ups and downs I haven't the "energy" to do much about it. It's the sort of day when my coffee goes cold all the time and I have to warm it up in the microwave, things that could be done are left undone and so on.
I dislike these days as I never quite get up enough head of steam to get myself motivated and up and at them. I was planning on doing the bathroom but really couldn't be bothered and I'm sitting at my PC most of the day, goodness knows what I'm doing, it isn't much but there you go.
It is actually a nice looking day outside, the sun is shining and it's a crisp autumn day with the leaves turning colour nicely and yet that's not motivating either. I know things are bad as I've put one of my Coldplay albums on :-)
Oh well, muddle on for the rest of the day and perhaps I'll pick up at the weekend :-)
And it leaves me...
No clearer than it did before. I met my friend K and we had a few beers and then hit the Turkish Restaurant in town. Had a nice meal (fish based) and a beer and then headed off to an old fashioned boozer that is still "out of the way" but has history when it was in the middle of nowhere!. Got back and went to my local as "Billy No Mates" and did the quiz. Of course I knew people but decided that I needed more booze.
Had a long and frank conversation with K but it sort of ended up as a problem area as I have to make some sort of decision. The trouble is that I can't make any sort of decision regarding where to go next because whatever I do affects other people and I'm really not into upsetting others, I'm happy to take a "hit" on my feelings and work and so on but I don't want to upset anyone else.
Result? I realise that my actions will affect others and that's why I am not making decisions. I also realise that I don't want to be the catalyst of major change. However, the change will be good for me but it will not be good for others.
Bottom Line? I managed to express my fears but didn't get anywhere near sorting them out!
Had a long and frank conversation with K but it sort of ended up as a problem area as I have to make some sort of decision. The trouble is that I can't make any sort of decision regarding where to go next because whatever I do affects other people and I'm really not into upsetting others, I'm happy to take a "hit" on my feelings and work and so on but I don't want to upset anyone else.
Result? I realise that my actions will affect others and that's why I am not making decisions. I also realise that I don't want to be the catalyst of major change. However, the change will be good for me but it will not be good for others.
Bottom Line? I managed to express my fears but didn't get anywhere near sorting them out!
Thursday, October 11, 2012
DIstraction
Of out in a moment to have a few beers and then grab some food. Old friend and I need to catch up and see what's going on and what's to do. I'd better get some food down my neck before going though as I'm certain it will be more beers than food.
My diet is getting a bit of a slap though with a meal on Tuesday night sending my count going way over what I normally eat and a few beers today will also send the figures off the graph. I've gone back onto a modified diet at the moment with a bit of exercise, no bread or dairy (except cottage cheese) back to having FOCC (Flax Seed Oil and Cottage Cheese), lots of vegetables and I need to get back to using my juicer again in a more controlled way.
Food wise I'm cutting out most carbs but do have a few like rice cakes occasionally to keep that count up. After the excesses of the holiday and really since my dad died when I stopped eating sensibly, I've put on all the weight I lost (well actually that's not accurate - I've put on a stone and so I'm still below where I started by about a stone from the beginning of the year).
In terms of exercise I'm doing burst work on the X-Trainer and doing some work on the Vibration Plate (no more than 5 minutes). The burst work is doing two or three full speed - until you run out of puff and energy - bursts every couple of days. These bursts of exercise are pretty much full on things but apparently are better than doing longer stints. So let's give it a try.
Unfortunately I have lots of events that will interrupt my diet in the next three months but I will just have to take it easy. I am recording everything I eat which seems to work nicely.
My diet is getting a bit of a slap though with a meal on Tuesday night sending my count going way over what I normally eat and a few beers today will also send the figures off the graph. I've gone back onto a modified diet at the moment with a bit of exercise, no bread or dairy (except cottage cheese) back to having FOCC (Flax Seed Oil and Cottage Cheese), lots of vegetables and I need to get back to using my juicer again in a more controlled way.
Food wise I'm cutting out most carbs but do have a few like rice cakes occasionally to keep that count up. After the excesses of the holiday and really since my dad died when I stopped eating sensibly, I've put on all the weight I lost (well actually that's not accurate - I've put on a stone and so I'm still below where I started by about a stone from the beginning of the year).
In terms of exercise I'm doing burst work on the X-Trainer and doing some work on the Vibration Plate (no more than 5 minutes). The burst work is doing two or three full speed - until you run out of puff and energy - bursts every couple of days. These bursts of exercise are pretty much full on things but apparently are better than doing longer stints. So let's give it a try.
Unfortunately I have lots of events that will interrupt my diet in the next three months but I will just have to take it easy. I am recording everything I eat which seems to work nicely.
What next?
It's a strange world and sometimes you have to laugh I suppose. Well, I got a job potential today - to work in..... The Philippines???? What! I've had loads of job things coming through for jobs that I used to be qualified for years ago. I've had jobs totally wrong for me which are the results of computer glitches and because these recruiters don't actually read even the summary of my CV which would give them a good idea.
I get mistaken for a senior Programmer, a specialist in Forte programming and because of my past in the Construction and Process industries and get crazy jobs in strange places sent to my inbox. However, a relocation to the Philippines certainly was an unusual one.
I'm still waiting to hear about a potential job in London and I'm still in two minds about whether to go for it or not.
I get mistaken for a senior Programmer, a specialist in Forte programming and because of my past in the Construction and Process industries and get crazy jobs in strange places sent to my inbox. However, a relocation to the Philippines certainly was an unusual one.
I'm still waiting to hear about a potential job in London and I'm still in two minds about whether to go for it or not.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
The Roller Coaster
Continues to take me up and down the emotional highs and lows of living with 'post cancer' survival. I had a great day yesterday and yet arrived home and from being high I ended up being morose and down. That's how quick it can come and go these days. An interesting conversation this morning suggested that it can take a decade or more to get over the impact that having had cancer makes to your body.
Your body goes through all sorts of changes and of course the treatments and the operations and tests all take their toll. It's difficult to explain to someone who hasn't had the full Hospital experience and the build up to operations and treatments quite what this means. It's exhausting both physically and mentally and as I said many times in this blog it is very similar to Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and so there's all sorts of problems including depression and sleep problems, ups and downs and the most incredible fatigue you can imagine.
What this means is that this makes it difficult to make decisions or be rational sometimes as your emotional state is switching about and making logical thought difficult. I know and realise this and so tend to take my time to come to conclusions but of course in talking and writing it tends to put a different slant on things. What I mean by that is that it depends on what my mood is like as to the way I write, talk and act so it's a bit like living with a schizophrenic I guess :-)
Anyway, I'm all OK today so far.
Your body goes through all sorts of changes and of course the treatments and the operations and tests all take their toll. It's difficult to explain to someone who hasn't had the full Hospital experience and the build up to operations and treatments quite what this means. It's exhausting both physically and mentally and as I said many times in this blog it is very similar to Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and so there's all sorts of problems including depression and sleep problems, ups and downs and the most incredible fatigue you can imagine.
What this means is that this makes it difficult to make decisions or be rational sometimes as your emotional state is switching about and making logical thought difficult. I know and realise this and so tend to take my time to come to conclusions but of course in talking and writing it tends to put a different slant on things. What I mean by that is that it depends on what my mood is like as to the way I write, talk and act so it's a bit like living with a schizophrenic I guess :-)
Anyway, I'm all OK today so far.
Sad Day
I went to a Lodge meeting tonight and my friend who has been having some "awareness" problems of late was in a bad way tonight. He knows he has something not quite right with himself and that he forgets things and that he can get lost walking to the shops. And another friend turns up bloated from his drugs which I think are steroid based. He looks fine but he was so slow and I had to get him and another friend up the stair lift to the meeting and back down again and they were puffing and panting and not quite knowing what was going on.
I suddenly found out that I was taking responsibility for making sure they got up to the room, down from the room and to the dining room and to their wife's cars. Of course, they are in their 80s and 90s now and I knew them when they were my age!!!! Oh shit!!
I also had an interesting conversation with Mrs. F. this morning showing her the article I cited yesterday on the blog. She hadn't realised and wanted to know what she could do and of course, there's nothing she can do, it's out of her hands and in my head. It's an interesting scenario I think. Now she realises what I'm going through but there's not a lot she can do to change it - the only good thing is that perhaps my behaviour over the last few years may start to make sense. The huge problem for me is that the cure is pretty nasty and needs me to separate my current life and make a new one. The issue being that I cannot quite work out whether it is a single or joint effort required.
Oh shit, it's something that suddenly I can't contain anymore but I'm glad she realises that it isn't her - it's ME. You see the problem doesn't sit with those who are secondary victims of bladder cancer, it sits with the victim themselves - me. I have changed and that's got to be the case, it's happening to me after all. For my immediate family, they've had one of their foundations messed around with but they've other things to do and they are busy living their own lives. I support fully that they should live their own lives and move on and do what they need to do despite what is happening to me. At the end of the day it makes little difference to them whether I'm there or not and occasionally I may have some input.
Anyway, the sadness is that people I knew some time ago who were my age are now infirm and strange things happened like they lost their cases or didn't know how to operate things, I had to get them up and down the stair lift and these are people whom I respect dearly and there I am acting as nurse to them where a year ago they were fully able to get up and down the stairs on their own etc.
Suddenly it brought it all home I have to say.
I suddenly found out that I was taking responsibility for making sure they got up to the room, down from the room and to the dining room and to their wife's cars. Of course, they are in their 80s and 90s now and I knew them when they were my age!!!! Oh shit!!
I also had an interesting conversation with Mrs. F. this morning showing her the article I cited yesterday on the blog. She hadn't realised and wanted to know what she could do and of course, there's nothing she can do, it's out of her hands and in my head. It's an interesting scenario I think. Now she realises what I'm going through but there's not a lot she can do to change it - the only good thing is that perhaps my behaviour over the last few years may start to make sense. The huge problem for me is that the cure is pretty nasty and needs me to separate my current life and make a new one. The issue being that I cannot quite work out whether it is a single or joint effort required.
Oh shit, it's something that suddenly I can't contain anymore but I'm glad she realises that it isn't her - it's ME. You see the problem doesn't sit with those who are secondary victims of bladder cancer, it sits with the victim themselves - me. I have changed and that's got to be the case, it's happening to me after all. For my immediate family, they've had one of their foundations messed around with but they've other things to do and they are busy living their own lives. I support fully that they should live their own lives and move on and do what they need to do despite what is happening to me. At the end of the day it makes little difference to them whether I'm there or not and occasionally I may have some input.
Anyway, the sadness is that people I knew some time ago who were my age are now infirm and strange things happened like they lost their cases or didn't know how to operate things, I had to get them up and down the stair lift and these are people whom I respect dearly and there I am acting as nurse to them where a year ago they were fully able to get up and down the stairs on their own etc.
Suddenly it brought it all home I have to say.
Monday, October 08, 2012
Says it a little better than I can
A Guardian Article HERE. "For many patients, remission of the disease is just the first step in a long and emotionally draining process of recovery"
It says much about the sort of problems I still have. I'm not in remission either so there's still that to be tackled. I believe remission is a minimum of 10 years clear for Bladder Cancer patients. I cannot find the supporting information for this statement though. I'm sure it is somewhere about there. By remission it means completely clear with no recurrence which unfortunately for Bladder Cancer is very common.
There is more acceptance of the sort of problems we seem to get and Macmillan have a page worth a look too HERE.
So if you might be wondering why I blow hot and cold and go up and down in terms of my demeanour, this may help you understand it. It's probably a lot more complex but now 6 years on I'm getting a lot better and feel quite well although I'm still having problems with my diet and weight but I hope to be getting that under better control once I decide what I am going to do with myself. I've some ideas and some avenues to explore in the next few days and then I think, if they draw a blank, that I will be looking to make some serious lifestyle changes for myself affecting work and leisure and home. Let's see what these avenues bring first.
"Rates of depression and anxiety are very high when treatment ends," says Dr Michelle Kohn, director of Living Well, a programme that offers emotional and practical support to cancer patients at Leaders in Oncology Care, a private London-based clinic. "Other emotional issues, such as low self-esteem, anger, stress or sleep problems are also widespread."
I can vouch for the sleep problems and the anxiety and there's the other stuff like the mini panic attacks and the claustrophobia to deal with as well as my attitude problems :-) I don't take any prisoners sometimes and appear to have lost my "diplomatic touch" somewhere along the line. I think you get past all the trauma and you have a "So what" attitude to other people's petty gripes. It isn't (or I hope it isn't) one upmanship, it's more a case of trying to get people to get a grip and man up a bit. Because the train is late or it's raining isn't a cause for depression and sadness :-)
"On top of this, cancer survivors are often battling with physical and practical challenges, anything from huge financial losses, to the side effects of medication, profound fatigue, a confused-feeling known as "chemo brain", or lymphoedima (swelling). Their loved ones, meanwhile, might be increasingly baffled as to why they can't bounce back and make the most of life. "People suffer for years, often in silence, without any real support," says Kohn. "Life after cancer can actually be very difficult and lonely."
I can understand this stuff too, it is very difficult to see what my problem is, I don't look any different, I'm not horribly disfigured (although you may think so! :-) ) and it is a hidden disease to even those closest to you. It is really difficult to get up and go when your get up and go got up and went :-) I'm mostly past the fatigue bit now thank goodness although I can still sleep at the drop of a hat. It's almost like passing out, I can sit watching TV and just drop off. It's a bit worrying but it doesn't happen at work or driving or anywhere else so that's good.
Some of the comments are telling. There is one about guilt, the guilt of living, the guilt of not having chemo or radio, mind you as I was reminded, Immunotherapy isn't for sissies either! But it is interesting that I felt internally bad that my dad (and some friends who have died) knew that I had survived and yet their prognosis wasn't good, how did they view me? Well if the truth be known they were probably happy for me. I do hope that they didn't feel any other way but I felt bad for them. I thought about the other areas too and you see, all these things add up to what it means to survive. It is great to be alive and to have (so far) my health coming back albeit gradually. Dealing with the head bit is a challenge as those who read this blog regularly know. You are diagnosed and the trauma of the symptoms and the diagnosis are just awful. Then there is the gap whilst you think the worst and that your number is up. Then there is the sudden realisation that there is hope and you can fight some of this and you can realistically stand a chance of survival. You fight it on your own and you use your strength physically and mentally and make big changes in your life style. The experience changes you in many ways and some are subtle and others not so. You are, after all, fighting for your life and every ounce of strength goes into it. It's exhausting, it's traumatic, it's terribly frightening and upsetting. You keep up your front so that your loved ones are reassured by your strength of character that all will be OK and inside you are eaten away by guilt and you punish yourself for all your past transgressions, your life style, every time you upset someone and so on.
Later on, you realise that you've been ill for sometime, there were tell-tale signs, the anger and bitter way you spoke to people, the flying off the handle at little things, the exhaustion, the inability to do anything, work or home stuff just getting delayed and having no interest in anything. I thought I was just getting old! I hated myself and my lifestyle but all that was in the past, it didn't do me any good reflecting back like that but that's what you do to yourself. I know a lot better now of course.
Then there's the 6 monthly check to see if the Cancer has returned or not, you are never really free from this.
This all sounds very downbeat but it's more a case of saying that despite the fact that I'm here, quite well and clear of Cancer, there is still so much more work to do to get me out of the place I find myself in. Gradually I'm getting there but very slowly. I hate to admit it but I'm still struggling to get myself in a "good place" where I'm comfortable with my survival and my lot. It is terribly difficult to describe this "place" to anyone and even here I haven't done it justice. Of course things are a hell of a lot better now than 6 years ago but the internal damage still remains and the brain stuff never quite leaves you.
It says much about the sort of problems I still have. I'm not in remission either so there's still that to be tackled. I believe remission is a minimum of 10 years clear for Bladder Cancer patients. I cannot find the supporting information for this statement though. I'm sure it is somewhere about there. By remission it means completely clear with no recurrence which unfortunately for Bladder Cancer is very common.
There is more acceptance of the sort of problems we seem to get and Macmillan have a page worth a look too HERE.
So if you might be wondering why I blow hot and cold and go up and down in terms of my demeanour, this may help you understand it. It's probably a lot more complex but now 6 years on I'm getting a lot better and feel quite well although I'm still having problems with my diet and weight but I hope to be getting that under better control once I decide what I am going to do with myself. I've some ideas and some avenues to explore in the next few days and then I think, if they draw a blank, that I will be looking to make some serious lifestyle changes for myself affecting work and leisure and home. Let's see what these avenues bring first.
"Rates of depression and anxiety are very high when treatment ends," says Dr Michelle Kohn, director of Living Well, a programme that offers emotional and practical support to cancer patients at Leaders in Oncology Care, a private London-based clinic. "Other emotional issues, such as low self-esteem, anger, stress or sleep problems are also widespread."
I can vouch for the sleep problems and the anxiety and there's the other stuff like the mini panic attacks and the claustrophobia to deal with as well as my attitude problems :-) I don't take any prisoners sometimes and appear to have lost my "diplomatic touch" somewhere along the line. I think you get past all the trauma and you have a "So what" attitude to other people's petty gripes. It isn't (or I hope it isn't) one upmanship, it's more a case of trying to get people to get a grip and man up a bit. Because the train is late or it's raining isn't a cause for depression and sadness :-)
"On top of this, cancer survivors are often battling with physical and practical challenges, anything from huge financial losses, to the side effects of medication, profound fatigue, a confused-feeling known as "chemo brain", or lymphoedima (swelling). Their loved ones, meanwhile, might be increasingly baffled as to why they can't bounce back and make the most of life. "People suffer for years, often in silence, without any real support," says Kohn. "Life after cancer can actually be very difficult and lonely."
I can understand this stuff too, it is very difficult to see what my problem is, I don't look any different, I'm not horribly disfigured (although you may think so! :-) ) and it is a hidden disease to even those closest to you. It is really difficult to get up and go when your get up and go got up and went :-) I'm mostly past the fatigue bit now thank goodness although I can still sleep at the drop of a hat. It's almost like passing out, I can sit watching TV and just drop off. It's a bit worrying but it doesn't happen at work or driving or anywhere else so that's good.
Some of the comments are telling. There is one about guilt, the guilt of living, the guilt of not having chemo or radio, mind you as I was reminded, Immunotherapy isn't for sissies either! But it is interesting that I felt internally bad that my dad (and some friends who have died) knew that I had survived and yet their prognosis wasn't good, how did they view me? Well if the truth be known they were probably happy for me. I do hope that they didn't feel any other way but I felt bad for them. I thought about the other areas too and you see, all these things add up to what it means to survive. It is great to be alive and to have (so far) my health coming back albeit gradually. Dealing with the head bit is a challenge as those who read this blog regularly know. You are diagnosed and the trauma of the symptoms and the diagnosis are just awful. Then there is the gap whilst you think the worst and that your number is up. Then there is the sudden realisation that there is hope and you can fight some of this and you can realistically stand a chance of survival. You fight it on your own and you use your strength physically and mentally and make big changes in your life style. The experience changes you in many ways and some are subtle and others not so. You are, after all, fighting for your life and every ounce of strength goes into it. It's exhausting, it's traumatic, it's terribly frightening and upsetting. You keep up your front so that your loved ones are reassured by your strength of character that all will be OK and inside you are eaten away by guilt and you punish yourself for all your past transgressions, your life style, every time you upset someone and so on.
Later on, you realise that you've been ill for sometime, there were tell-tale signs, the anger and bitter way you spoke to people, the flying off the handle at little things, the exhaustion, the inability to do anything, work or home stuff just getting delayed and having no interest in anything. I thought I was just getting old! I hated myself and my lifestyle but all that was in the past, it didn't do me any good reflecting back like that but that's what you do to yourself. I know a lot better now of course.
Then there's the 6 monthly check to see if the Cancer has returned or not, you are never really free from this.
This all sounds very downbeat but it's more a case of saying that despite the fact that I'm here, quite well and clear of Cancer, there is still so much more work to do to get me out of the place I find myself in. Gradually I'm getting there but very slowly. I hate to admit it but I'm still struggling to get myself in a "good place" where I'm comfortable with my survival and my lot. It is terribly difficult to describe this "place" to anyone and even here I haven't done it justice. Of course things are a hell of a lot better now than 6 years ago but the internal damage still remains and the brain stuff never quite leaves you.
Moving on
It was dad's birthday yesterday and mum was OK until reminded of the fact but there you go, it i bound to be pretty awful and these constant reminders are things to be dealt with and to move on. Things are what they are and that's it, move on. Easy for me to say but then again, if I dwelt on the past too much I'd be fit for nothing and it's the same about the future. I was impressed by Dale Carnegie's take on this and I've probably mentioned it before in this blog but as I will paraphrase here, you cannot do anything about the past, it is history and you can't change it and whilst you may be sorry for what you did (or didn't do) it's in the past and you cannot alter it. The future hasn't happened and if you worry about that it isn't constructive you have to live in the now, today as tomorrow may not happen. Another friend died whilst I was away, suspected heart attack and there's my dilemma all over again. I see this and I tend to live by this if I can. I realise that I need to do something about my future and to live my life on a day to day basis and live for the day and for the moment. The trouble is that it is just me that wants to do this.
So, for me, my dad is dead and I wasn't particularly emotional about it yesterday (his birthday) or today. My brother seems to be having it bad, probably worse than my mum and the trouble is that there is nothing you can do about it and it happens - that's the way things are and getting all het up and steamed up about it doesn't solve anything at all. I certainly remembered my dad yesterday and considered that there was no way he'd want me to be upset or choked up. There's only good things to remember, fun and happy times, my education and what I am, surely they are things to celebrate and keep the memory alive. Not sure that dwelling on such things actually achieves anything. I've said it before, when I see my dad's photo I smile because it reminds me of good times. Realistically we all have to die and it isn't nice but that's the cards we are dealt with and no matter what I do I can't reverse history as much as I want to. I don't think I'm callous or being disrespectful, it is just what it is and can be no other way and getting all upset and emotional isn't going to do a lot really. I don't decry that some people deal with it this way but it's time to move on and live your own life because, it is pretty short and it isn't a rehearsal, you can't go back and make it right.
So, time to move on, live your own life and whilst being respectful, realise that there but by the grace of God go I. I'm alive thanks very much and that's great, time to get on and use the time left to do what you have and want to and try and do it without let or hinderance. Throwing off the shackles of the past - damn difficult thing to do. I like the following clip though - my business partner and I often say this to each other when getting caught up in the past and the circumstances we find ourselves in - ENJOY :-)
So, for me, my dad is dead and I wasn't particularly emotional about it yesterday (his birthday) or today. My brother seems to be having it bad, probably worse than my mum and the trouble is that there is nothing you can do about it and it happens - that's the way things are and getting all het up and steamed up about it doesn't solve anything at all. I certainly remembered my dad yesterday and considered that there was no way he'd want me to be upset or choked up. There's only good things to remember, fun and happy times, my education and what I am, surely they are things to celebrate and keep the memory alive. Not sure that dwelling on such things actually achieves anything. I've said it before, when I see my dad's photo I smile because it reminds me of good times. Realistically we all have to die and it isn't nice but that's the cards we are dealt with and no matter what I do I can't reverse history as much as I want to. I don't think I'm callous or being disrespectful, it is just what it is and can be no other way and getting all upset and emotional isn't going to do a lot really. I don't decry that some people deal with it this way but it's time to move on and live your own life because, it is pretty short and it isn't a rehearsal, you can't go back and make it right.
So, time to move on, live your own life and whilst being respectful, realise that there but by the grace of God go I. I'm alive thanks very much and that's great, time to get on and use the time left to do what you have and want to and try and do it without let or hinderance. Throwing off the shackles of the past - damn difficult thing to do. I like the following clip though - my business partner and I often say this to each other when getting caught up in the past and the circumstances we find ourselves in - ENJOY :-)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)