Pretty Sure This Is What It Is

 The more I think about it, the more I am certain that it is the let down or disappointment around this time of year that gets me down.  It will never be the same as when you were a child, the magic is different.  Then you get your children and things change and it's all about them and then your circumstances change - mine did, I left just after Christmas so 2014 so next year is 11 years.  So much has happened but here is the thing.  Everything changed that Christmas of 2013.

Everyone knew I was leaving and so things were awkward to say the least.  The parties and get togethers were tinged with difficult conversations and I recall that I went out on a number of occasions on my own.  I spent a little time on New Year's Eve down at my local pub and chatted to a couple of people there but there wasn't much to keep me there.  I'd split up with my wife and I'd just about gotten over the disappointment of not being with my angel either.  It was a miserable time and full of tension, trepidation and anxious worry.

I recall I was pretty down and not looking forward to much although I was looking for a place to share with my friend.  Looking back now and remembering it all I was clearly very down in the dumps and that was the last time I'd have the traditional parties with friends and the family I had back then.  I don't suppose I'd realised that these "friends" would have to choose sides but they did and that too is fine, it's human nature I guess to do that.  So I felt isolated.

So I was doing all my Christmas Cards bot electronic and physical yesterday, the family history newsletter and so on and I was on my own in the kitchen looking at my reflection in the window and it occurred to me that perhaps trying to recreate the Christmases of my past or live up to the hype shown on TV etc just isn't possible.  It never lives up to what you expect.  I have purchased all of the food and drink and I'm still not feeling festive or happy.  The house is a tip at the moment, not a decoration in sight and the only Christmassy things on show are the Advent Calendars.

It doesn't feel like Christmas, all I am doing is indulging in excess for a week or two and actually, I am not enjoying that either.  All this food and drink isn't making a difference as such.  I like the change but my stomach and body are reeling at the shock of carbs and sugar and alcohol. 

Yes I am pretty much convinced that it is this combination of things plus I don't really see my children as much as I should that drives this depressed winter blues I get.  My father also suffered from this as well and I have even when I had family Christmases at home so it's something deeper too.

Well, this food isn't going to eat itself and I'd better try and get into the Christmas Spirit if at all possible.  Here I go :-) 

On The Run In

 I've got just about everything sorted now, a few items to arrive in the next few days though.  I am writing my Christmas Cards and by the end of today I should have all of those done, newsletters done, family history circular and all electronic cards sent.  

That is if the App doesn't get delivered this morning!  I doubt it will.

The Christmas Cake was made yesterday to a different recipe as we haven't been able to find the "family" one anywhere! I cannot remember what we did last year and the year before but I'm certain we made it to the old recipe.  Anyway, this one uses a LOT of brandy and the place smelt like a distillery yesterday! 

In other news I've been getting into the Christmas spirit but actually I've noticed something.  I cannot drink anywhere near as much as I used to as my body is giving me warning signs to stop.  That's good, I don't want to overdo it.  I realised just how much food I have in the house now and how much of this stuff is carb loaded.  EEEeeekkk!  I hadn't realised quite how much I'd purchased and so I wonder whether to just go through it all and then crash out and back to normal or do I keep these treats for say one day a week which I used to do when I did the Tony Robbins (?) diet. That was you ate the same things every day for 6 days and on the 7th day you could eat and drink what you liked.  It was OK and I lost a lot of weight but the 6 days stuff was a real bore after 6 or 8 weeks.

In other news our government are staring down the barrel at a series of problems of their own making and I hope they are having sleepless nights as they do so.  Our economy is shrinking and the budget certainly accelerated that.  The VAT on schools looks to have not only a terribly negative impact on children in as much as their education is interrupted and they are having to move schools but also it looks as if the local councils cannot fulfil their statutory duty to provide school places to these children either.  It's another self inflicted own goal and again playing with people's lives and not understanding the consequences or worse still knowing the consequences and doing it anyway.  

Our Foreign Secretary thinks Syria is a neighbouring country to Libya.  Just because they rhyme does not mean that they are in the same locale.  I remain singularly unimpressed with the lot of them and I don't know what they are going to do next because the economy on which they are "going for growth" is grinding to a halt and soon to go into reverse wiping out just about everything they had tried to do.  As I said before, all I can do is watch in eager anticipation of the huge car crash that they are steering into.  Every correction takes them towards the target and they look gormless and have no real feel for government.  I like that they are going to free controls for planning but not the controls that are killing building at the moment, green stuff, over reach of red tape, environmental controls and so on.  Fixing part of the problem and over burdening the rest of it is like a see saw and moving the weight from one end to the other.  It isn't rocket science as I used to tell my team.  It's very simple.  Make things complex and tied up in red tape and suddenly it isn't going to happen.

I have a Dashboard I like to look at here https://grid.iamkate.com and it shows how our energy is generated and from what and where.  It's been miserable here for days and days and at best "renewable" as they call them have been around 5% or 6% of the generation,  Gas taking around 70% of the load.  In 5 years all of our energy is meant to be renewable.  They cannot see, nor will they countenance any voices saying "hold on, what do we do if the wind don't blow?" This blind cult like behaviour must surely lead us to having no lights left on in 2030.

Oh well, car crash incoming and I'm curious to see what happens and how quickly it's an utter disaster unfolding before our eyes.

It Can't Be That Difficult?

 I had to install a very expensive centrepiece feature light in our dining room.  It's ridiculously high up to the eaves and so even with my 11 Tread Ladder it was tip toe stuff.  As it was the apex of the roof I had to adapt brackets and make holes in the roof to fit it.  It took two of us around 3 hours I guess in total as there's more to it than that.

So it's started to malfunction and the manufacturer wants nothing to do with it I have to talk to the retailer who, surprise surprise, will give us our money back but not replace it!  FFS.  The most practical way to deal with this is to swap it out as the base can remain and it just needs a few screws and electrical connections swapped and that is it, done.  No, they want the whole thing returned.  It's crazy just let me swap it.  No take it back and they'll refund and then we can buy another from somewhere else!  

I'm not impressed it means that the work done to hold the base to the apex all has to come out.

Get it from eBay says one - but what guarantee do I then have?  Why is it so bloody difficult to get something practical sorted rather than the complete pain in the arse this is going to be? 

What's With The Self-Harm People?

 Setting aside those who do actually and physically self harm and I do know a few, this is actually about the present situation here and this government's continuing act of national self-harm.  Today the figures (pre-budget) showed a further contraction of the economy by 0.1% and that's the second month in a row.  The things that were set out in that budget will, I am sure lead to industries being ravaged here in the UK.

We do have a very high quality specialist manufacturing base here but let's face it, China own most of the worldwide production of good old fashion manufactured goods.  Just look where most of the things you buy come from and I think you'll be surprised (or not).  What our rulers seem to miss is that the very act of self righteousness and virtue signalling our "green" credentials is costing jobs and industries cannot compete.  It isn't just labour costs but the raw materials which we now have to import or the parts which we now have to import but now add the costs of employing people and all the add on taxes dragging at the bottom line and of course, we are no longer productive and our cost per unit is killing us.  It's all stacked up for a monstrous car crash which they alone cannot see coming.  

Whilst we bang on about China and India being more polluting than we are (CO2 is not a pollutant BTW) they have cheap power and they have huge economies of scale and are highly competitive.  They already have wind and solar but more importantly they have small reactor technology far beyond ours and can implement it in a few years not decades like we do.  Our lack of agility and our lack of vision presently result in a race to the bottom with ourselves and Germany neck and neck as to who will reach the bottom and then, not content, start to dig further.

Making ourselves poorer both culturally and financially will be our undoing no doubt about it.  I like that the public sector do not understand that they don't produce anything.  They don't get that they are the biggest consumers in the economy.  They contribute nothing of economic value and they are unable to deliver what we pay them for.

I watch the robotic government who cannot answer a straight question struggle with basic facts and statistics.  They parrot bite size phrases that mean nothing and are as much use as the proverbial chocolate teapot!  I can't actually watch them on TV now.  In the good old days you'd be able to give them a bloody hard slap and tell them to wake up and sort things the f**k out!  Absolute waste of oxygen the lot of them. 

People, Service and Community

 Humbled to do a little bit for the community last night.  I set up my PA and Projector with Christmas images and music for a charity gig performed by members of a band that sets out to let people of all abilities play together.  They meet once a month and practice and there are lots of volunteers who assist them.  They had written their own Christmas song which they performed for a small audience of parents and carers.

They obviously loved performing and they are lovely, we all smiled together and then there were Carols at the end.  I did a very little but I was so gladdened to see that people give up their time and spend it with those far less fortunate than ourselves.  The leader is a lovely chap with a great personality and he led them to write their own song.  It truly was excellent and everyone had a part to play.

Finally I felt that my faith in human nature was reestablished and watching these musicians helping their charges to make expressive and quite charming (in my eyes) music really did lift my spirits.  I felt quite surprised that they gave me a round of applause at the end for my tiny contribution to events.  I see that they got a lot out of it even though, to me, I did what I was able and it wasn't difficult for me to do what I used to do day-to-day. everyone else deserved far more recognition than I.  Although on reflection I get it.

Anyway, it is heartening that we have people like these who give up their time, at this busy period in the year, to help and inspire others.  It checked my natural cynicism shall we say. 

It's Still Weird - This Sick Feeling

An old friend wrote to say they were "under control" after Prostate Cancer treatment - all is being held at bay so to speak.  Then shocking news this morning as someone I knew died yesterday.  I knew her to say hello to and it was unexpected to say the least.  It is something that has obviously upset me albeit only the suddenness of it all.  Things trigger emotions inside of you so someone else you know going through treatment is unconsciously bringing it all back and someone that I expected to see in a month or so is no longer with us.

Most of my Christmas deliveries have now been made - a couple later today and that is it apart from the Christmas in a Box which is due 22nd.  I've got just about everything I need to get excepting a few items.  Christmas is often anticlimactic for me.  I wonder if I try and reconstruct the Christmases of my past and they never quite live up to the hype?  There's a strangeness about this year that I cannot quite put my finger on.  I imagine it's just me trying too hard when I know, deep down, it's going to be a disappointment once again.  Keep trying I suppose but something isn't right.

I feel stomach churning sick and it's more like a nervous sick, a worried sick if that makes any sense?  I've tried too hard and I need to not do so.  I'm also quite conscious that the App isn't ready and it should have been.  I really wanted to get it out there for the world to download and try but, once again, it just isn't going to be.  It's a nuisance I have to say as it is the right time of year to launch especially when everyone has their new gadgets for Christmas.

I have spent too much money and time on Christmas and so I just need to reset myself for next year and decide quite what I want.  

Watching These Idiots

 These politicians are complete amateurs.  I had to laugh as once again they can't keep the same story among the lot of them.  The Chancellor stated to the CBI that there would be no ore tax rises in the next 5 years. or as long as they are in power.  Now, a few days later, they need to review and the PM thinks there might be a need for more.  The Foreign Secretary leaves the door open for Syrian migrants whilst the Home Office shuts the door.

The utter chaos these guys sow is beyond belief.  They seem wholly unaware of the contempt we, the people, hold them in, but more so, they don't seem to see what we see and that's the crash coming down the road at us.  Already there's talk of reduced recruitment and investment, there's big job losses coming in the car industry and what people also miss is the suppliers will also lose out too.  

Their great plans are in tatters already because they have no idea how they can achieve these things and stealing our money appears to be the only way they think they can do this!  Good luck to them if they think any of this is sustainable.  It feels like we are once again going to get flattened by the ineptitude of our government.  It's not worth working as they steal t off you! 

Eyes Of A Child

 It's often said isn't it that you should view things through the eyes of a child and I reason that it is because those eyes are not yet tainted by cynicism and they see the joy in things that for us we have become immune too or take for granted, our senses dulled by the sheer ordinariness of things to our eyes.

Yesterday our 5 year old grandson came to a Christmas Lunch with us and bless them, the organisers made sure all the children had a winning raffle ticket and the big man himself made an appearance and the sheer joy and delight on the little ones faces were a sight to behold.  Winning a raffle prize was amazing as he was up and out of his chair and running up to the top without his usual caution - he is at that shy age.

Children get a "Wow factor" from things we take for granted and especially new things.  A dragonfly a butterfly, sheep in our field at the back, lights, artwork, posters, cars and fire engines, all sorts of things and it is well worth us taking the opportunity to learn from them about this view of the world I think.  Can a butterfly bring joy?  Of course it can and a fire engine or a shop display or almost anything at all if you look at it properly.  How many of us look up when we are out?  In my local town there are some architectural features of interest, if you look up.  There's a castle too but people walk by and don't stop to have a look at it.  It's amazing and in good repair for its age.  Then we have the river, the locks, the bridges and it's all there before you but we park our cars, go to the shops or whatever we are doing and then get back in the car and drive home.  

Make time to appreciate it all and view it through new eyes and marvel at it too. 

Use Your Inner Mr. Spock

 Our PM is a bit of a bot.  He speaks like a robot and his countdown to the Christmas Lights was monotonic to say the best about it.

So he's restated the goals or reset or whatever and it's just as much bollocks as before.  I was intrigued thought to hear that he is going to build (going to) 1.5 Million houses in the 4 and a half years he's (or his party) have left in Government. That is around 1,200 a day.  Houses take more than a day to build of course.  So let's consider that there is even the manpower or willingness to build them.  You have to start adding up some serious labour numbers to get your house built and even using factory based frame methods it's going to be a great and glorious undertaking.

It is going to be a bit difficult given that a number of our skilled people are heading back home to their native countries where the pay is good, the cost of living better and the taxes are a lot less.  Our leaders are going to destroy the gig economy for the greater good you understand and so being a flexible worker won't pay so why stay? 

I think you just need to run some numbers in your head here and whenever you see a house or housing estate going up how quickly does it happen, how many people does it employ and all the various trades and all the materials and so on?  It took them almost 2 years to build two houses next to us and there were just 4 or 5 full time with additional trades coming in and out when needed.  It's possibly made a lot worse with the employment tax being raised and taxation generally which I imagine would have the affect, somewhat as it did with me when the last Labour Government were here of adjusting my income to suit my tax band.  They imposed a stupid tax.  The vast majority of us changed how we operated and lo and behold, tax takings went down and a lot of my colleagues moved country too.  Hey ho.

It will be interesting to see how this bunch of clowns try and achieve something as spectacular as building all these homes when they've alienated the very people and businesses they rely on to build them. 

I'm Sure There Are Lots Of People Who Aren't Well

 I don't know what happened to us in this world?  I just saw someone melting down and spouting on about how one of our Politicians is well..... a whole list of words that l'm not allowed to write here.  

These people look and sound deranged to me.  I don't tend to say words that are not true nor do I accuse people of being things that frankly you can get had up for.  B"be kind" brigade seem to be able to get away with this vile intolerant speech and then be offended at people like me because we disagree with their hatred.

Here's the thing though, these are the very people who are making all the noise about how they don't like the way things are and hurty words and they, quite hypocritically, use worse language themselves and say worse things.  I don't understand how they square the circle being like this, do they not notice that they sound deranged and overly privileged at the same time.

Now I might say that our politicians are Muppets or that they are useless or unprofessional but I would draw the line at accusing them of the serious nature these people do.  You can't go around saying everyone is a r******** or n*** or f***** or whatever.  Firstly, it's demonstrably untrue and secondly, it points out their total lack of education and level of bigotry.

Anyway, the more I see them venting and getting angry and not forming sentences correctly, yelling and swearing, going red in the face and their body language erupting in pre-violent poses and just the rage they talk and write in the more concerned I am that these people are ill, mentally ill and they don't realise it and we leave them to do this.   

I admit to just letting these idiots rant and rave on and make a complete wally of themselves in doing so but even among people I know, there's this malevolent side to them.  They get really angry when certain people or subjects are tabled.  Now I like to think that I can debate stuff I know about and I do know about stuff but if I don't know then I'll listen and try and learn but, and here's the but, if you engage me with rational logical well delivered facts, we are going to get along just fine.  I can take that information and go process it and come to my own conclusion.  If, however, you yell at me and force this on me then I'm going to assume that you don't really understand what you are saying and have no basis for it.  

Forcing me to see your viewpoint isn't actually winning me over now, is it?  Maybe they don't do discussion and logical thinking any more in school.  We were given a subject and had to discuss it and provide multiple viewpoints.  We did euthanasia (not Youth In Asia as one of the lads misheard it), we did politics and capitalism versus communism, things like travel broadens the mind and all sorts of subjects and we had to argue our case logically with facts and figures. These days, you just have to repeat a mantra at high volume enough times for your point of view to be right (in your own mind).  Mentally ill not rational discussion.

I gaze on at all these sick people and wonder what it will be like when they wake up and realise what utter idiots they've been.  Rather them than me though.  I'd like to see a few of them sued for the words they use too.  

Wibble Wobble

 I find it strange that I am still flipping between OK and not so good all the time.  Progress is knowing that this is happening and being able to do something about it.  It's a struggle but it is something you can deal with.  I really felt tearful this morning, no particular reason, just sad and that has passed quite quickly.  I'm pretty sure it is this time of year that does it.

Your head really can be your worst enemy sometimes I think.  It has all those "little voices" in there arguing among each other and the trick is to realise that this is going on and in doing so make them go away.  It's the ego and the pain body and they are struggling to get attention and so it goes around.  It's as if they don't want you to be yourself, be happy I suppose and there's the rub, identification of what it is will help to defeat the voices but they get going when you aren't expecting them.

In other news I've been trying my hearing aids.  I think that they are great but on Sunday will be a big test as we will be at a Christmas do with lots of people so I hope that I'll be able to use them without blowing my brains out!  They amplify so well but I find it a little too loud even on the quiet volume setting.

Greetings

Well Bitcoin has done it's job and gone to $100 - interesting times ahead.  Then we have our Prime Minister desperately trying to reset things and finally realising that most of the population (other than London) doesn't believe him, can't stand him, know he's not being straight with us etc.   I do hope that the people are waking up and smelling the coffee etc,  I'ts about time that we start calling out our servants and fighting back against them.

After yesterday and my partial realisation that I'm probably missing my family more than I realised even though I get to see my #1 daughter and her children a reasonable amount and #2 not so much I don't spend a lot of time with them and I need to resolve this next year.  I haven't seen my mother this year or my brother and his family either.

Sat here backing up computers and NAS's (that's not the plural I guess but more than one NAS) gives me time to sort things out and after this Sunday when we have a Christmas Meal I think that next week I will get into the Christmas Spirit a bit more.  I need to do my cards and newsletters and I can also wrap some presents and so on.

I found myself falling back into having a few beers over the last few nights but I am working on the premise that as soon as Christmas and the New Year are over I can go back to my strict diet and continue to lose weight.  I am already 2 stone down but I really want to go down another 2 next year if I can.  I feel great in terms of my body and general fitness.  I don't have the out of breath problems I did have nor the feeling of carrying around 14 or more bags of sugar with me all the time.  It's a big difference I have to say.  

I kind of know what the problems are but I think I am not facing up to them or tackling them and that's something that, once again, I need to work on for the New Year.  Maybe that can be part of the next few weeks run up to Christmas?  I think perhaps it needs to come to a head now.  

Is It Christmas That Does This To Me?

 I do get down this time of year and it happens regularly and to varying extents.  Last year it was very dark, black and gloomy.  This year it isn't as bad but it is still there.

So I started to wonder about this and it is probably a couple of reasons I think.  When I was at work Christmas came up fast and one minute you were working and the next on holiday for a while and then back to work.  With having the children it was a lovely family time and we could all spend time together and having parties and the like.  Even before Children we had a number of parties, midnight mass, a big family meal and so on.  

It was good and whilst I probably got my seasonal SAD sadness, I was busy and had little time to dwell on it.

I realise that it is the 10th year since I left my Ex and in all that time, I've not had a Christmas with my children or my grandchildren but have with my Partner and her family.  I then thought about how I've got time to ponder and mull over this and perhaps that's why it is a problem to me.  

Whilst we have a pleasant Christmas Day and we have entertained members of her family we haven't done so for mine.  They have their Christmas and I have mine I suppose.

I probably need to do something about this but I'm not sure what at the moment.

I Don't Believe A Word You're Saying

 I've been a sceptic and a cynic for a long time.  If life has taught me one thing it is that everyone's out to get you and you cannot count on your "friends" and sometimes not your family either.  That's a shame but it's a hard learned lesson and one that bites me over and over again.

I have lost count of the number of people who owe me money.  Some of them in the tens of thousands of pounds.  Some less than that.  I see and hear people talking about such things and hold my counsel as they say they hate the very thing they themselves are.  There's not a politician alive that I trust nor any authority person these days.  Everyone appears to be tainted, in it for themselves and not on the side of justice and right.

Many people have poisoned minds filled with the untruth of the propaganda fed to them in soundbites but never tested, looked into all taken as gospel from the words of known liars and charlatans.  They spout headlines at me and wonder why I start to ask searching questions as to where they might have heard this brilliant soundbite and what does it mean and how does it manifest itself and what data do they have to back it up.

The weekend just gone I once again heard that CO2 was a pollutant and that electric cars were the way forward but there was no recognition that there is a supply chain issue coming down the line at us and a shortfall of trillions, perhaps tens of trillions to make some politician's wet dream into some sort of normal for all mankind.  Then I got the nuclear waste problem which I countered with there isn't any in Fission reactors that are soon to be here.  But an electric world seems far away when the benefit for getting there is higher bills, higher shop prices and the only way to sell this stuff to me is to force me to buy it.

The modern world is made up of badly educated dreamers with no clue how to review ROI and how to make holistic decisions based on hard facts.  It's a big problem because they do not understand how to run this like you would a Programme with all the benefits and costs nailed to various actions in the plans.  I used to talk to Businesses and also Public Sector about how to go about such things bringing them together and monitoring the impact of doing one thing against another, KPIs and all that good stuff.  Big business got it and public sector had their eyes glazing over in about 20 minutes as they didn't understand why they'd need to keep control fo everything they do in a centralised fashion. They had a bottomless pit of money - you and I to just go and steal off of if they screwed up.  Big business would have to fight off their shareholders if they screwed up.  

Yes, it's just pathetic listening to these amateurs who can't lie convincingly or tell the truth ever by the looks of it.  They never answer a a question and they do not understand the paid that is coming down the line for them especially in terms of our economy which is pretty much trashed now.  I imagine we will have an economic collapse they'll blame it on anyone but themselves and they'll continue to lie and screw up until something changes and the next lot of liars take over.

I've lost faith in just about everyone these days.  There are very few people that I'd trust left. 

Tuesday Blues

 I met with my cousins yesterday, a bit late notice as they weren't expecting to drive down this way but a quick look and I found a half way pub we could meet up at.  It was nice to catch up.

I trialled my Hearing Aids but I really found them difficult to work with as they made everything so loud (yes I know I can turn them down).  There are three settings sort of General, Outside and Inside but I could not work out which was which so I am going to try at home during the week. I have trouble hearing people in loud places, like pubs and restaurants especially these days when there is a move towards solid wall surfaces / brick and steel etc rather than soft absorbent materials so the sound bounces around and they insist on playing music everywhere.

I like music but imagine that, the chatter of other people, the machinery of a pub or restaurant and I struggle.  Actually my hearing is surprisingly good and my right ear where Ih ad 15 or so operations (or thereabouts) is, for all of that, only just below normal.  However it is inevitable that I'll require these aids but hopefully only in certain situations.

I'm feeling a little blue and down again.  My flashbacks take me to interesting periods in my life and the replays are generally OK but there's this regret and doubt coming in to play and I need to stop this "What if" and "Maybe if I" and so on.  These things happened in that order and you can't replay them.  It would be nice to think that finally something that didn't happen 50 years ago might magically happen now and all the happiness that your brain associates with that particular union might be kindled forever.  Stupid old romantic fool!  Of course not.  That's the problem and often as we used to say as youngsters "The thought is often better than the deed" and isn't that the truth.  I'll leave you to ponder on that but give one example.  I really liked this girl at school and she was in a relationship with one of the lads I knew and so everything was off limits.  I was chatting to her one day when she sort of let slip that she had broken up with him and so I suggested a date.  I'm not normally a quick worker or anything but she was a nice girl, very pretty and way out of my league.  To my surprise she said yes.  I was delighted but after a few drinks and back to her place she had the worst halitosis I've ever encountered.  It didn't really go on from there and after a few dates we sort of drifted apart and her ex came back on the scene.  The thought was indeed much better than the deed.  Nice girl though nevertheless.

So I need to stop making these rose tinted flashbacks unless I use them for a best selling novel of course, then all these experiences can be relived, garnished and served up as the truth!  

That Sort Of Day

 It's been a strange sort of day.  Cousins are down our way on a last minute trip and I am trying to arrange a place to meet up that's not too far away from both of us!  A bit of late notice but they didn't know until last night.

It is strange how my mind is being drawn back to incidents of my early working days.  I was reminded about this time of year was a round of taking gifts to customers, taking them out for Christmas meals, your team office parties and so on were always something that I tried to avoid if at all possible.  As "the boss" you'd always get someone have a few too many and start to lecture you so I'd go for the first hour or so and the make my excuse and retire to somewhere else with a few fellow team mates where we'd have a few and go home leaving the office to its own destiny.

I remembered how I enjoyed coming home on the train at this time of year and generally I'd be late, it was not unknown that I'd leave after 7 or 8 pm and the trains would either be boiling hot or freezing cold never comfortable.  One the way from London you'd speed past houses with their Christmas Trees and Lights on.  Houses looking warm (even if you weren't) and try and imagine that each and every one of those houses would be happy and looking forward to a Christmas few days off.  It was before Mobile Phones and I might either be reading a book or listening to my cassette player.  Whatever it was to be there was something comforting about the row on row of houses and flats with their trees lit up.

I'd have a long walk home from the station which I might get a bus or if I was feeling flush a taxi but generally I walked home and recall how cold it was.  These days, thankfully it doesn't seem to get as bad as it was in the 70s and 80s although our politicians would obviously like us to live in cold times to reinforce their ideology.

It was nice to then have the half day on the day we finished for Christmas, have a few drinks and then come home knowing that you had a week or two off and could relax.  Generally, that meant catching a cold or the Flu as your body stopped being a stressed out worker!  

It's OK To Not Be OK Right?

I find myself going through cycles again of gloom and then relative happiness and then to a period of acceptance and it's up and down all the time.

Whether or not this is me, my circumstances, surroundings or the time of year (again) I don't know.  I was thinking (dangerous) that things these days are not how I felt say 30 or so years ago.  By that I mean that I don't have the recreated feelings I did years ago, things have lost their sparkle, I've become more cynical and the veil of the world as it used to be presented to me has dropped away showing ugly avarice and corruption behind it.  Picture the Wizard of Oz where the curtains are pulled back and all is revealed for what it actually was not the grand show it projected itself prior to that.  

So perhaps that's what it is?  I think that I'd like people to stop p1ssing me off, stop interfering in my life, stop taking money off me and so on.  

The conversation with the Developer was, as usual, one of a further slip.  It appears to be not his fault and there's a work around but it really is an 11th hour problem and I'm sure there will be more but it is just draining on me.  I feel that people take your power away by draining all of yours.  It feels like that, perhaps it isn't so.

For now, I will have to just ride along with that and hope that we get some sort of resolution to that.  Everywhere else, I feel I am in this rut that I just can't quite get out of.  It seems to me to be myself defeating myself even though I know I've had plenty of stuff to beat me down and give me a tough time.  IT problems, the App, the Gates and House Maintenance - I just need to actually do something about them.  It would be easy to sit in the corner, grab a few beers and wallow in the despair of it all - but that's never fixed anything and it is just a matter of getting fired up to actually do things again.  I can see things that I could do and I'm still sitting here "thinking about it" which will never get a job done.

Anyway, I content myself at the moment that it is OK to be a bit down but that I need to boost my mind and get on and actually tackle stuff that's in front of me.

Disappointment, Despondency, SNAFU

 It is interesting that I never quite get to a point in my life when I am happy or satisfied and I often, like just now, get to a low point in thinking or existing, I don't know what that is.

I know what it is that troubles me but I seem powerless to actually do something about it.  I expect far too much of people and I find that anyone who doesn't perform their job to my standards is an issue to me.  

These are problems I've had all my life but I do find bad service, incompetence, hypocrisy and other such traits annoying.  I've someone who didn't wrap the goods up properly which arrive broken will not refund me unless I post back (abroad mind you) the item.  We are both strongly disagreeing in our own respective languages and I will have great joy in making it very difficult for them but it's for a few pounds and it's the principle in this case.  Giving me less than 10% of the value back isn't what you do when you've screwed up.

I've fixed (partially) the data loss problems and everything is now being backed up but I don't like the industrial outcome of my solution.

The heating system needs attention but I haven't got the quote yet so I really need that to budget for at the moment the IT costs have taken that money I put by.

The App Developer is about to deliver me more bad news.  What a surprise, it's slipped again and I've got to the point now where I really cannot be bothered to be upset anymore about it.  I have never known anything so bad.  There is a book called "The Mythical Man Month" by Fred Brooks it was published way back in the 1970s I think. It led to Brooks's Law and projects fall behind one day at a time and it is an interesting read.  I used to talk about this as part of my job and I used the analogy that if it took 1,000 men I month to build a mile of road then if I put 30,000 men on it, we'd do it in a day!  Here lies the challenge of Project Management in that it isn't a spreadsheet world and you cannot just add more resource and expect things to be done quicker (there are lots of reasons).  

So, it's a classic tale of optimism versus talent versus in this case and in what will soon be seven years, he has only hit one target milestone and that's the first one. So what do I do?  I've already got angry, helpful, given extra money and been hard and soft man with him.  I've read him his future in my Crystal Ball and it isn't pleasant.  It will be what it will be but my fabled Christmas Launch originally for 2019 hasn't happened yet again.  

I find myself in a sloth of despondency yet I don't need to be.  I know this, I try quite hard to not be (perhaps where I am going wrong).  I should just be in the moment but it seems it's just one thing after the other.  Of course you shouldn't worry about these as what else can you do but I feel that I am piling stuff on and not taking it off.  I need to start to care less or not at all about such things and get on with my life and start to enjoy retirement.  At the moment, I miss work even though I feel that I am working a lot more than I should.

I will have to tackle this as I feel that it is dragging me down.  

I Suppose That's Something - Gates Almost Fixed

 I did some more maintenance on the gates again.  This time I removed the old bracket and re-positioned it, change the limit switches and cut away a bit of the fence to allow the motor arm to move a little further in.  Well, it seems to have brought it back to where it was before.  It's an improvement from the problems I've been having, it is the same as it was prior to that and perhaps in the summer it will be a bit better when the gates and posts dry out.  You'd be surprised at just how much the wood swells up and now the gates are bashing into each other again.  I've adjusted them and sanded some off to allow them to work properly.

That's one job down but I'm sure there will be others too.  The outside doors have rain deflectors over them which need a clean as they are getting moss and algae build up but the wind (gales) of last week have loosened their fixings so once again, I will have to sort that out. It seems never ending to me, there's one thing after the other.  It would be nice just to have a quiet time to myself and not have anything go wrong.

Pressure - I Don't Normally Get Headaches

 It's been a bad week all in all although things are getting better but I could have done without the expense of sorting out IT and now doubling it just in case.  Once bitten twice shy they say but this was quite a psychological hit considering I really thought that I'd nailed the backups and storage etc.

I felt bad yesterday knowing that I'd get the PC back but not certain about whether the Server would kick back to life.  It didn't but I was able to revive it and an upload of the last firmware release did the trick thank goodness.  Later this weekend there will be three servers and UPS sets so let's hope that I've learnt my lessons!

Of course the gates are givig me trouble yet again.  The cold weaher must have frozen the brackets and made the gates work and now they've defrosted, the issue is back but I can see the drive bracket moving and so I've ordered some bolts and nuts (can you believe among the hundreds I've got, not one fits!).

So I woke at 4 am and my mind was alive with realising that I DO have nuts and bolts spare as I have the second set of gates equipment!  Oh FFS and of course they are made for it.  Anyway, I will go and do that while I am waiting for the IT stuff.  Then my mind kicked in about how to use the spare bays I have for Memory for the PC then I need to get some other stuff sorted - I have three old PCs that I need to get rid of and I know a nice man who recycles them.  I could I suppose sell the MAC, I'll see if hey are going for reasonable money - it's a big and heavy beast of a machine.

Other than that, I can now get back on to my newsletters, accounts and getting the App tested.

My head though is pretty bad and I am certain that it is caused by the stress of this week and the IT problems.  Let's hope that after tomorrow I will be secured, I'd hate to go through that again!