Very Bad Tinnitus Again

 Well this is strange as I can normally get rid of Tinnitus or at least make it a lot quieter.  It seems to have come back again with vengeance today.  I've tried some white noise perhaps I'll try with headphones when my uninvited company goes home.  

As usual I'm doing some sorting out for people, searching for parts and solutions to problems.  It's a difficult thing isn't it when you get asked to do something for someone.  I'm a bit of a sucker and I am quite happy to do something like this because 1) I can 2) it interests me 3) it also annoys me a bit too.  I actually don't have to do this for my kids because they've learned (from the master LOL) how to go about things like researching, getting the best value for money and things like that.

It feels to me that these sorts of things either aren't taught or things are too easy these days, until that is, they prove to be too hard or difficult.

Anyway, it is keeping me occupied when I should be doing other things. It isn't distracting enough to send this ringing screeching noise away from my ears though.

   

Hearing Aid Trial

 These are expensive hearing aids but not the exorbitant cost of the shop bought ones.  I have had them in for about an hour now and I can say that the Tinnitus is a little less but it is still there.  They are really loud on the lowest setting but as I read they will be as you aren't used to them.  They are set for indoor and on the lowest volume and I can hear myself breathing, the PC fans whirring and the noise off of this keyboard is surprisingly loud too.

Things going on outside are also more noticeable too.  The whole experience is quite strange as either I was really deaf or these are really loud :-) I will try and wear them for a good few hours to see if I can get used to them.  The last few times, in loud places they were too much and I had to ditch them quickly as I could hear quite a bit of what the table behind me was saying but hardly anything my table was saying.  I think it is practice at the end of the day.

Onward, onward....

Tinnitus - Wow It's Bad Today

I got this years ago when I got really ill just over and after Christmas and got both ears infected.  Gosh I was so ill but I had to attend a meeting a give a talk - it was in 2009 and I was a few years into treatment and I'm guessing I probably picked the cold up at the Hospital.  I don't know, whatever it was the Doctor (you could actually go and see them back then) was horrified and prescribed me the biggest dose of Antibiotics he could.  It did the trick but ever since I've had this blasted Tinnitus.

I can normally get on and work through it but today it is so loud I can hardly concentrate on anything at all.  I'll try some exercises I found that worked in a minute to see if that fixes it.  

So that has decreased the volume which is good, the screeching high pitched noise is still there but quieter.  I think I might try my hearing aids and see if that fixes it by making me concentrate on other things.

Ho hum.  You just have to live with this and oftentimes I can just blot it out or ignore it.  

People Are Getting Sick To Death Of All These Lies Surely

 The Internet is interesting in that you can go and research what people said but a few years ago and then listen to what they say now.

I used to say that I rarely lied in business as I couldn't remember what lie I might have told and I'd get found out and I'm not very good at it.  Instead people found my direct approach threatening which is funny.  I say funny, perhaps disarming is correct.

I once went to a customer because his supplier was messing me around and could not finish on time.  I knew what to do about it and I knew that he wouldn't be happy but, go armed with a way out and don't lie.  What actually happened was interesting because once the anger had subsided mere seconds in reality that his job wasn't going to be finished and that it was his side letting it down I told him how I could sort it out and gave him a way out of his embarrassment and a way we could both "win".  Shortly afterwards, the sales managed heard about what had happened and went to the customer and rather than check with me what was going on, spun some cock and bull story about what he'd put in place, blah, blah, blah.  The customer, rightly so sent him away with a flea in his ear and explained that everything was under control and that he might like to talk to the person that was actually running the job, me.

Lies get you no where at all and when you tell the truth you don't have to remember what you said as it was the truth and not some fabrication.

Our politicians are getting caught out time and again by having said one thing and now doing the total opposite.  It's obvious they are lying, they are way way out of their depth.  They don't understand their briefs and they certainly don't understand much about politics, world stage stuff, people and communication.  Their approval rating is on the floor as they p1ss off more and more sectors of the public.  It's unbelievable that they didn't see that inflation would rise, unemployment go up, business move or close down and so on.  It was blindingly obvious to all but an ideological zealot that if you messed with these things something would happen elsewhere.  So now we have them going back on pensioner's heating allowance, WASPI women compensation (that they were going to redress) and many other things and all in the space of a few months their ratings are down, they have zero credibility and I am certain that they will soon find it difficult to go anywhere without being heckled and abused in public.  Deservedly so.

It is rotten to the core but some of us have known that for years but now, right in your face, they are lying, misrepresenting, misinforming and using some sort of propaganda style tactics more at home in the period of the Berlin Wall and the Communist East.  It is horrific and you can watch as the car crashes and the ship sinks and they rearrange the deck chairs and stare at the headlights wondering what is coming next.

The Chancellor's plans are falling apart and I am surprised she and the PM are still in office.  I think many thought they'd be out by Christmas but then there were other things that wold all be over by Christmas that didn't turn out that way I suppose.

It would be nice to find some sort of civil disobedience tactic that would impact these utter lying charlatans.  The very worst people I have ever seen, no experiences, no honour whatsoever and certainly not a clue when it comes to Governing.  At the moment, every thing they do is aimed at giving money to non participants in this country's wealth and taking that money from us and p1ssing it up the wall.  They need to be gone, the lot of them.  

The One Person Everyone Hated At School or Work

 Our present government cannot have any friends left.  Of the 67 or so million of us in the UK there can be very few who have not been  impacted by this awful bunch of amateurs.  Today they have denied the WASPI women their compensation and so you can add all those women to the 10 million existing pensioners and every working person, farmer and car owner, tax payer etc.  

Is there anyone who isn't currently p1ssed off with this bunch of totally useless w anchors? I mean who goes out and antagonises just about everyone in the country, blows huge holes in the ability of businesses to do business or employ people and expect things to ge better.  We are heading for a recession at the least I'd expect and a lot of this is to do with their own financial mismanagement from what 15 years ago was it?  They blew around £160BN and left us to pay for it.  Everything is in a state of decline, the power and energy sector, cars and manufacturing, armed services are underfunded and by whopping up the tax on employment thos industries that rely on cheap workers (care homes, hospices and others) are suffering.  Banging VAT mid term on schools ruins children's lives, taking away fuel allowance will kill (by their own figures) 4,000 vulnerable old people.

The people that need help can't get it.  They don't know how to turn on a smart phone let alone use an APP or apply online.  F**k these people who just don't give a stuff about the vulnerable it really does make my blood boil that these people have no idea beyond their metropolitan view of the world of what it is like to live in the country, grow food, try and travel with non existent transport (if you want me to use it then provide it properly) and so on.  They think we all have IT at our finger tips and this isn't the case.  

I really think they do not comprehend how hated they are and this latest set of proposals are just going to get people more angry and I certainly hope that everyone starts to make bloody difficult for them all.  I certainly intend to do my utmost to take my time about things and perhaps make it a little more difficult to do business with me.

There can't be many people left who even think that this government have the aptitude for or skills to run the country.  They are burning money away in crazy projects outside of the country and at the same time overseeing the demise of their own people.  In the words of the old song "There may be trouble ahead!" I hope so.

Pretty Sure This Is What It Is

 The more I think about it, the more I am certain that it is the let down or disappointment around this time of year that gets me down.  It will never be the same as when you were a child, the magic is different.  Then you get your children and things change and it's all about them and then your circumstances change - mine did, I left just after Christmas so 2014 so next year is 11 years.  So much has happened but here is the thing.  Everything changed that Christmas of 2013.

Everyone knew I was leaving and so things were awkward to say the least.  The parties and get togethers were tinged with difficult conversations and I recall that I went out on a number of occasions on my own.  I spent a little time on New Year's Eve down at my local pub and chatted to a couple of people there but there wasn't much to keep me there.  I'd split up with my wife and I'd just about gotten over the disappointment of not being with my angel either.  It was a miserable time and full of tension, trepidation and anxious worry.

I recall I was pretty down and not looking forward to much although I was looking for a place to share with my friend.  Looking back now and remembering it all I was clearly very down in the dumps and that was the last time I'd have the traditional parties with friends and the family I had back then.  I don't suppose I'd realised that these "friends" would have to choose sides but they did and that too is fine, it's human nature I guess to do that.  So I felt isolated.

So I was doing all my Christmas Cards bot electronic and physical yesterday, the family history newsletter and so on and I was on my own in the kitchen looking at my reflection in the window and it occurred to me that perhaps trying to recreate the Christmases of my past or live up to the hype shown on TV etc just isn't possible.  It never lives up to what you expect.  I have purchased all of the food and drink and I'm still not feeling festive or happy.  The house is a tip at the moment, not a decoration in sight and the only Christmassy things on show are the Advent Calendars.

It doesn't feel like Christmas, all I am doing is indulging in excess for a week or two and actually, I am not enjoying that either.  All this food and drink isn't making a difference as such.  I like the change but my stomach and body are reeling at the shock of carbs and sugar and alcohol. 

Yes I am pretty much convinced that it is this combination of things plus I don't really see my children as much as I should that drives this depressed winter blues I get.  My father also suffered from this as well and I have even when I had family Christmases at home so it's something deeper too.

Well, this food isn't going to eat itself and I'd better try and get into the Christmas Spirit if at all possible.  Here I go :-) 

On The Run In

 I've got just about everything sorted now, a few items to arrive in the next few days though.  I am writing my Christmas Cards and by the end of today I should have all of those done, newsletters done, family history circular and all electronic cards sent.  

That is if the App doesn't get delivered this morning!  I doubt it will.

The Christmas Cake was made yesterday to a different recipe as we haven't been able to find the "family" one anywhere! I cannot remember what we did last year and the year before but I'm certain we made it to the old recipe.  Anyway, this one uses a LOT of brandy and the place smelt like a distillery yesterday! 

In other news I've been getting into the Christmas spirit but actually I've noticed something.  I cannot drink anywhere near as much as I used to as my body is giving me warning signs to stop.  That's good, I don't want to overdo it.  I realised just how much food I have in the house now and how much of this stuff is carb loaded.  EEEeeekkk!  I hadn't realised quite how much I'd purchased and so I wonder whether to just go through it all and then crash out and back to normal or do I keep these treats for say one day a week which I used to do when I did the Tony Robbins (?) diet. That was you ate the same things every day for 6 days and on the 7th day you could eat and drink what you liked.  It was OK and I lost a lot of weight but the 6 days stuff was a real bore after 6 or 8 weeks.

In other news our government are staring down the barrel at a series of problems of their own making and I hope they are having sleepless nights as they do so.  Our economy is shrinking and the budget certainly accelerated that.  The VAT on schools looks to have not only a terribly negative impact on children in as much as their education is interrupted and they are having to move schools but also it looks as if the local councils cannot fulfil their statutory duty to provide school places to these children either.  It's another self inflicted own goal and again playing with people's lives and not understanding the consequences or worse still knowing the consequences and doing it anyway.  

Our Foreign Secretary thinks Syria is a neighbouring country to Libya.  Just because they rhyme does not mean that they are in the same locale.  I remain singularly unimpressed with the lot of them and I don't know what they are going to do next because the economy on which they are "going for growth" is grinding to a halt and soon to go into reverse wiping out just about everything they had tried to do.  As I said before, all I can do is watch in eager anticipation of the huge car crash that they are steering into.  Every correction takes them towards the target and they look gormless and have no real feel for government.  I like that they are going to free controls for planning but not the controls that are killing building at the moment, green stuff, over reach of red tape, environmental controls and so on.  Fixing part of the problem and over burdening the rest of it is like a see saw and moving the weight from one end to the other.  It isn't rocket science as I used to tell my team.  It's very simple.  Make things complex and tied up in red tape and suddenly it isn't going to happen.

I have a Dashboard I like to look at here https://grid.iamkate.com and it shows how our energy is generated and from what and where.  It's been miserable here for days and days and at best "renewable" as they call them have been around 5% or 6% of the generation,  Gas taking around 70% of the load.  In 5 years all of our energy is meant to be renewable.  They cannot see, nor will they countenance any voices saying "hold on, what do we do if the wind don't blow?" This blind cult like behaviour must surely lead us to having no lights left on in 2030.

Oh well, car crash incoming and I'm curious to see what happens and how quickly it's an utter disaster unfolding before our eyes.

It Can't Be That Difficult?

 I had to install a very expensive centrepiece feature light in our dining room.  It's ridiculously high up to the eaves and so even with my 11 Tread Ladder it was tip toe stuff.  As it was the apex of the roof I had to adapt brackets and make holes in the roof to fit it.  It took two of us around 3 hours I guess in total as there's more to it than that.

So it's started to malfunction and the manufacturer wants nothing to do with it I have to talk to the retailer who, surprise surprise, will give us our money back but not replace it!  FFS.  The most practical way to deal with this is to swap it out as the base can remain and it just needs a few screws and electrical connections swapped and that is it, done.  No, they want the whole thing returned.  It's crazy just let me swap it.  No take it back and they'll refund and then we can buy another from somewhere else!  

I'm not impressed it means that the work done to hold the base to the apex all has to come out.

Get it from eBay says one - but what guarantee do I then have?  Why is it so bloody difficult to get something practical sorted rather than the complete pain in the arse this is going to be? 

What's With The Self-Harm People?

 Setting aside those who do actually and physically self harm and I do know a few, this is actually about the present situation here and this government's continuing act of national self-harm.  Today the figures (pre-budget) showed a further contraction of the economy by 0.1% and that's the second month in a row.  The things that were set out in that budget will, I am sure lead to industries being ravaged here in the UK.

We do have a very high quality specialist manufacturing base here but let's face it, China own most of the worldwide production of good old fashion manufactured goods.  Just look where most of the things you buy come from and I think you'll be surprised (or not).  What our rulers seem to miss is that the very act of self righteousness and virtue signalling our "green" credentials is costing jobs and industries cannot compete.  It isn't just labour costs but the raw materials which we now have to import or the parts which we now have to import but now add the costs of employing people and all the add on taxes dragging at the bottom line and of course, we are no longer productive and our cost per unit is killing us.  It's all stacked up for a monstrous car crash which they alone cannot see coming.  

Whilst we bang on about China and India being more polluting than we are (CO2 is not a pollutant BTW) they have cheap power and they have huge economies of scale and are highly competitive.  They already have wind and solar but more importantly they have small reactor technology far beyond ours and can implement it in a few years not decades like we do.  Our lack of agility and our lack of vision presently result in a race to the bottom with ourselves and Germany neck and neck as to who will reach the bottom and then, not content, start to dig further.

Making ourselves poorer both culturally and financially will be our undoing no doubt about it.  I like that the public sector do not understand that they don't produce anything.  They don't get that they are the biggest consumers in the economy.  They contribute nothing of economic value and they are unable to deliver what we pay them for.

I watch the robotic government who cannot answer a straight question struggle with basic facts and statistics.  They parrot bite size phrases that mean nothing and are as much use as the proverbial chocolate teapot!  I can't actually watch them on TV now.  In the good old days you'd be able to give them a bloody hard slap and tell them to wake up and sort things the f**k out!  Absolute waste of oxygen the lot of them. 

People, Service and Community

 Humbled to do a little bit for the community last night.  I set up my PA and Projector with Christmas images and music for a charity gig performed by members of a band that sets out to let people of all abilities play together.  They meet once a month and practice and there are lots of volunteers who assist them.  They had written their own Christmas song which they performed for a small audience of parents and carers.

They obviously loved performing and they are lovely, we all smiled together and then there were Carols at the end.  I did a very little but I was so gladdened to see that people give up their time and spend it with those far less fortunate than ourselves.  The leader is a lovely chap with a great personality and he led them to write their own song.  It truly was excellent and everyone had a part to play.

Finally I felt that my faith in human nature was reestablished and watching these musicians helping their charges to make expressive and quite charming (in my eyes) music really did lift my spirits.  I felt quite surprised that they gave me a round of applause at the end for my tiny contribution to events.  I see that they got a lot out of it even though, to me, I did what I was able and it wasn't difficult for me to do what I used to do day-to-day. everyone else deserved far more recognition than I.  Although on reflection I get it.

Anyway, it is heartening that we have people like these who give up their time, at this busy period in the year, to help and inspire others.  It checked my natural cynicism shall we say. 

It's Still Weird - This Sick Feeling

An old friend wrote to say they were "under control" after Prostate Cancer treatment - all is being held at bay so to speak.  Then shocking news this morning as someone I knew died yesterday.  I knew her to say hello to and it was unexpected to say the least.  It is something that has obviously upset me albeit only the suddenness of it all.  Things trigger emotions inside of you so someone else you know going through treatment is unconsciously bringing it all back and someone that I expected to see in a month or so is no longer with us.

Most of my Christmas deliveries have now been made - a couple later today and that is it apart from the Christmas in a Box which is due 22nd.  I've got just about everything I need to get excepting a few items.  Christmas is often anticlimactic for me.  I wonder if I try and reconstruct the Christmases of my past and they never quite live up to the hype?  There's a strangeness about this year that I cannot quite put my finger on.  I imagine it's just me trying too hard when I know, deep down, it's going to be a disappointment once again.  Keep trying I suppose but something isn't right.

I feel stomach churning sick and it's more like a nervous sick, a worried sick if that makes any sense?  I've tried too hard and I need to not do so.  I'm also quite conscious that the App isn't ready and it should have been.  I really wanted to get it out there for the world to download and try but, once again, it just isn't going to be.  It's a nuisance I have to say as it is the right time of year to launch especially when everyone has their new gadgets for Christmas.

I have spent too much money and time on Christmas and so I just need to reset myself for next year and decide quite what I want.  

Watching These Idiots

 These politicians are complete amateurs.  I had to laugh as once again they can't keep the same story among the lot of them.  The Chancellor stated to the CBI that there would be no ore tax rises in the next 5 years. or as long as they are in power.  Now, a few days later, they need to review and the PM thinks there might be a need for more.  The Foreign Secretary leaves the door open for Syrian migrants whilst the Home Office shuts the door.

The utter chaos these guys sow is beyond belief.  They seem wholly unaware of the contempt we, the people, hold them in, but more so, they don't seem to see what we see and that's the crash coming down the road at us.  Already there's talk of reduced recruitment and investment, there's big job losses coming in the car industry and what people also miss is the suppliers will also lose out too.  

Their great plans are in tatters already because they have no idea how they can achieve these things and stealing our money appears to be the only way they think they can do this!  Good luck to them if they think any of this is sustainable.  It feels like we are once again going to get flattened by the ineptitude of our government.  It's not worth working as they steal t off you! 

Eyes Of A Child

 It's often said isn't it that you should view things through the eyes of a child and I reason that it is because those eyes are not yet tainted by cynicism and they see the joy in things that for us we have become immune too or take for granted, our senses dulled by the sheer ordinariness of things to our eyes.

Yesterday our 5 year old grandson came to a Christmas Lunch with us and bless them, the organisers made sure all the children had a winning raffle ticket and the big man himself made an appearance and the sheer joy and delight on the little ones faces were a sight to behold.  Winning a raffle prize was amazing as he was up and out of his chair and running up to the top without his usual caution - he is at that shy age.

Children get a "Wow factor" from things we take for granted and especially new things.  A dragonfly a butterfly, sheep in our field at the back, lights, artwork, posters, cars and fire engines, all sorts of things and it is well worth us taking the opportunity to learn from them about this view of the world I think.  Can a butterfly bring joy?  Of course it can and a fire engine or a shop display or almost anything at all if you look at it properly.  How many of us look up when we are out?  In my local town there are some architectural features of interest, if you look up.  There's a castle too but people walk by and don't stop to have a look at it.  It's amazing and in good repair for its age.  Then we have the river, the locks, the bridges and it's all there before you but we park our cars, go to the shops or whatever we are doing and then get back in the car and drive home.  

Make time to appreciate it all and view it through new eyes and marvel at it too. 

Use Your Inner Mr. Spock

 Our PM is a bit of a bot.  He speaks like a robot and his countdown to the Christmas Lights was monotonic to say the best about it.

So he's restated the goals or reset or whatever and it's just as much bollocks as before.  I was intrigued thought to hear that he is going to build (going to) 1.5 Million houses in the 4 and a half years he's (or his party) have left in Government. That is around 1,200 a day.  Houses take more than a day to build of course.  So let's consider that there is even the manpower or willingness to build them.  You have to start adding up some serious labour numbers to get your house built and even using factory based frame methods it's going to be a great and glorious undertaking.

It is going to be a bit difficult given that a number of our skilled people are heading back home to their native countries where the pay is good, the cost of living better and the taxes are a lot less.  Our leaders are going to destroy the gig economy for the greater good you understand and so being a flexible worker won't pay so why stay? 

I think you just need to run some numbers in your head here and whenever you see a house or housing estate going up how quickly does it happen, how many people does it employ and all the various trades and all the materials and so on?  It took them almost 2 years to build two houses next to us and there were just 4 or 5 full time with additional trades coming in and out when needed.  It's possibly made a lot worse with the employment tax being raised and taxation generally which I imagine would have the affect, somewhat as it did with me when the last Labour Government were here of adjusting my income to suit my tax band.  They imposed a stupid tax.  The vast majority of us changed how we operated and lo and behold, tax takings went down and a lot of my colleagues moved country too.  Hey ho.

It will be interesting to see how this bunch of clowns try and achieve something as spectacular as building all these homes when they've alienated the very people and businesses they rely on to build them. 

I'm Sure There Are Lots Of People Who Aren't Well

 I don't know what happened to us in this world?  I just saw someone melting down and spouting on about how one of our Politicians is well..... a whole list of words that l'm not allowed to write here.  

These people look and sound deranged to me.  I don't tend to say words that are not true nor do I accuse people of being things that frankly you can get had up for.  B"be kind" brigade seem to be able to get away with this vile intolerant speech and then be offended at people like me because we disagree with their hatred.

Here's the thing though, these are the very people who are making all the noise about how they don't like the way things are and hurty words and they, quite hypocritically, use worse language themselves and say worse things.  I don't understand how they square the circle being like this, do they not notice that they sound deranged and overly privileged at the same time.

Now I might say that our politicians are Muppets or that they are useless or unprofessional but I would draw the line at accusing them of the serious nature these people do.  You can't go around saying everyone is a r******** or n*** or f***** or whatever.  Firstly, it's demonstrably untrue and secondly, it points out their total lack of education and level of bigotry.

Anyway, the more I see them venting and getting angry and not forming sentences correctly, yelling and swearing, going red in the face and their body language erupting in pre-violent poses and just the rage they talk and write in the more concerned I am that these people are ill, mentally ill and they don't realise it and we leave them to do this.   

I admit to just letting these idiots rant and rave on and make a complete wally of themselves in doing so but even among people I know, there's this malevolent side to them.  They get really angry when certain people or subjects are tabled.  Now I like to think that I can debate stuff I know about and I do know about stuff but if I don't know then I'll listen and try and learn but, and here's the but, if you engage me with rational logical well delivered facts, we are going to get along just fine.  I can take that information and go process it and come to my own conclusion.  If, however, you yell at me and force this on me then I'm going to assume that you don't really understand what you are saying and have no basis for it.  

Forcing me to see your viewpoint isn't actually winning me over now, is it?  Maybe they don't do discussion and logical thinking any more in school.  We were given a subject and had to discuss it and provide multiple viewpoints.  We did euthanasia (not Youth In Asia as one of the lads misheard it), we did politics and capitalism versus communism, things like travel broadens the mind and all sorts of subjects and we had to argue our case logically with facts and figures. These days, you just have to repeat a mantra at high volume enough times for your point of view to be right (in your own mind).  Mentally ill not rational discussion.

I gaze on at all these sick people and wonder what it will be like when they wake up and realise what utter idiots they've been.  Rather them than me though.  I'd like to see a few of them sued for the words they use too.  

Wibble Wobble

 I find it strange that I am still flipping between OK and not so good all the time.  Progress is knowing that this is happening and being able to do something about it.  It's a struggle but it is something you can deal with.  I really felt tearful this morning, no particular reason, just sad and that has passed quite quickly.  I'm pretty sure it is this time of year that does it.

Your head really can be your worst enemy sometimes I think.  It has all those "little voices" in there arguing among each other and the trick is to realise that this is going on and in doing so make them go away.  It's the ego and the pain body and they are struggling to get attention and so it goes around.  It's as if they don't want you to be yourself, be happy I suppose and there's the rub, identification of what it is will help to defeat the voices but they get going when you aren't expecting them.

In other news I've been trying my hearing aids.  I think that they are great but on Sunday will be a big test as we will be at a Christmas do with lots of people so I hope that I'll be able to use them without blowing my brains out!  They amplify so well but I find it a little too loud even on the quiet volume setting.

Greetings

Well Bitcoin has done it's job and gone to $100 - interesting times ahead.  Then we have our Prime Minister desperately trying to reset things and finally realising that most of the population (other than London) doesn't believe him, can't stand him, know he's not being straight with us etc.   I do hope that the people are waking up and smelling the coffee etc,  I'ts about time that we start calling out our servants and fighting back against them.

After yesterday and my partial realisation that I'm probably missing my family more than I realised even though I get to see my #1 daughter and her children a reasonable amount and #2 not so much I don't spend a lot of time with them and I need to resolve this next year.  I haven't seen my mother this year or my brother and his family either.

Sat here backing up computers and NAS's (that's not the plural I guess but more than one NAS) gives me time to sort things out and after this Sunday when we have a Christmas Meal I think that next week I will get into the Christmas Spirit a bit more.  I need to do my cards and newsletters and I can also wrap some presents and so on.

I found myself falling back into having a few beers over the last few nights but I am working on the premise that as soon as Christmas and the New Year are over I can go back to my strict diet and continue to lose weight.  I am already 2 stone down but I really want to go down another 2 next year if I can.  I feel great in terms of my body and general fitness.  I don't have the out of breath problems I did have nor the feeling of carrying around 14 or more bags of sugar with me all the time.  It's a big difference I have to say.  

I kind of know what the problems are but I think I am not facing up to them or tackling them and that's something that, once again, I need to work on for the New Year.  Maybe that can be part of the next few weeks run up to Christmas?  I think perhaps it needs to come to a head now.  

Is It Christmas That Does This To Me?

 I do get down this time of year and it happens regularly and to varying extents.  Last year it was very dark, black and gloomy.  This year it isn't as bad but it is still there.

So I started to wonder about this and it is probably a couple of reasons I think.  When I was at work Christmas came up fast and one minute you were working and the next on holiday for a while and then back to work.  With having the children it was a lovely family time and we could all spend time together and having parties and the like.  Even before Children we had a number of parties, midnight mass, a big family meal and so on.  

It was good and whilst I probably got my seasonal SAD sadness, I was busy and had little time to dwell on it.

I realise that it is the 10th year since I left my Ex and in all that time, I've not had a Christmas with my children or my grandchildren but have with my Partner and her family.  I then thought about how I've got time to ponder and mull over this and perhaps that's why it is a problem to me.  

Whilst we have a pleasant Christmas Day and we have entertained members of her family we haven't done so for mine.  They have their Christmas and I have mine I suppose.

I probably need to do something about this but I'm not sure what at the moment.

I Don't Believe A Word You're Saying

 I've been a sceptic and a cynic for a long time.  If life has taught me one thing it is that everyone's out to get you and you cannot count on your "friends" and sometimes not your family either.  That's a shame but it's a hard learned lesson and one that bites me over and over again.

I have lost count of the number of people who owe me money.  Some of them in the tens of thousands of pounds.  Some less than that.  I see and hear people talking about such things and hold my counsel as they say they hate the very thing they themselves are.  There's not a politician alive that I trust nor any authority person these days.  Everyone appears to be tainted, in it for themselves and not on the side of justice and right.

Many people have poisoned minds filled with the untruth of the propaganda fed to them in soundbites but never tested, looked into all taken as gospel from the words of known liars and charlatans.  They spout headlines at me and wonder why I start to ask searching questions as to where they might have heard this brilliant soundbite and what does it mean and how does it manifest itself and what data do they have to back it up.

The weekend just gone I once again heard that CO2 was a pollutant and that electric cars were the way forward but there was no recognition that there is a supply chain issue coming down the line at us and a shortfall of trillions, perhaps tens of trillions to make some politician's wet dream into some sort of normal for all mankind.  Then I got the nuclear waste problem which I countered with there isn't any in Fission reactors that are soon to be here.  But an electric world seems far away when the benefit for getting there is higher bills, higher shop prices and the only way to sell this stuff to me is to force me to buy it.

The modern world is made up of badly educated dreamers with no clue how to review ROI and how to make holistic decisions based on hard facts.  It's a big problem because they do not understand how to run this like you would a Programme with all the benefits and costs nailed to various actions in the plans.  I used to talk to Businesses and also Public Sector about how to go about such things bringing them together and monitoring the impact of doing one thing against another, KPIs and all that good stuff.  Big business got it and public sector had their eyes glazing over in about 20 minutes as they didn't understand why they'd need to keep control fo everything they do in a centralised fashion. They had a bottomless pit of money - you and I to just go and steal off of if they screwed up.  Big business would have to fight off their shareholders if they screwed up.  

Yes, it's just pathetic listening to these amateurs who can't lie convincingly or tell the truth ever by the looks of it.  They never answer a a question and they do not understand the paid that is coming down the line for them especially in terms of our economy which is pretty much trashed now.  I imagine we will have an economic collapse they'll blame it on anyone but themselves and they'll continue to lie and screw up until something changes and the next lot of liars take over.

I've lost faith in just about everyone these days.  There are very few people that I'd trust left. 

Tuesday Blues

 I met with my cousins yesterday, a bit late notice as they weren't expecting to drive down this way but a quick look and I found a half way pub we could meet up at.  It was nice to catch up.

I trialled my Hearing Aids but I really found them difficult to work with as they made everything so loud (yes I know I can turn them down).  There are three settings sort of General, Outside and Inside but I could not work out which was which so I am going to try at home during the week. I have trouble hearing people in loud places, like pubs and restaurants especially these days when there is a move towards solid wall surfaces / brick and steel etc rather than soft absorbent materials so the sound bounces around and they insist on playing music everywhere.

I like music but imagine that, the chatter of other people, the machinery of a pub or restaurant and I struggle.  Actually my hearing is surprisingly good and my right ear where Ih ad 15 or so operations (or thereabouts) is, for all of that, only just below normal.  However it is inevitable that I'll require these aids but hopefully only in certain situations.

I'm feeling a little blue and down again.  My flashbacks take me to interesting periods in my life and the replays are generally OK but there's this regret and doubt coming in to play and I need to stop this "What if" and "Maybe if I" and so on.  These things happened in that order and you can't replay them.  It would be nice to think that finally something that didn't happen 50 years ago might magically happen now and all the happiness that your brain associates with that particular union might be kindled forever.  Stupid old romantic fool!  Of course not.  That's the problem and often as we used to say as youngsters "The thought is often better than the deed" and isn't that the truth.  I'll leave you to ponder on that but give one example.  I really liked this girl at school and she was in a relationship with one of the lads I knew and so everything was off limits.  I was chatting to her one day when she sort of let slip that she had broken up with him and so I suggested a date.  I'm not normally a quick worker or anything but she was a nice girl, very pretty and way out of my league.  To my surprise she said yes.  I was delighted but after a few drinks and back to her place she had the worst halitosis I've ever encountered.  It didn't really go on from there and after a few dates we sort of drifted apart and her ex came back on the scene.  The thought was indeed much better than the deed.  Nice girl though nevertheless.

So I need to stop making these rose tinted flashbacks unless I use them for a best selling novel of course, then all these experiences can be relived, garnished and served up as the truth!  

That Sort Of Day

 It's been a strange sort of day.  Cousins are down our way on a last minute trip and I am trying to arrange a place to meet up that's not too far away from both of us!  A bit of late notice but they didn't know until last night.

It is strange how my mind is being drawn back to incidents of my early working days.  I was reminded about this time of year was a round of taking gifts to customers, taking them out for Christmas meals, your team office parties and so on were always something that I tried to avoid if at all possible.  As "the boss" you'd always get someone have a few too many and start to lecture you so I'd go for the first hour or so and the make my excuse and retire to somewhere else with a few fellow team mates where we'd have a few and go home leaving the office to its own destiny.

I remembered how I enjoyed coming home on the train at this time of year and generally I'd be late, it was not unknown that I'd leave after 7 or 8 pm and the trains would either be boiling hot or freezing cold never comfortable.  One the way from London you'd speed past houses with their Christmas Trees and Lights on.  Houses looking warm (even if you weren't) and try and imagine that each and every one of those houses would be happy and looking forward to a Christmas few days off.  It was before Mobile Phones and I might either be reading a book or listening to my cassette player.  Whatever it was to be there was something comforting about the row on row of houses and flats with their trees lit up.

I'd have a long walk home from the station which I might get a bus or if I was feeling flush a taxi but generally I walked home and recall how cold it was.  These days, thankfully it doesn't seem to get as bad as it was in the 70s and 80s although our politicians would obviously like us to live in cold times to reinforce their ideology.

It was nice to then have the half day on the day we finished for Christmas, have a few drinks and then come home knowing that you had a week or two off and could relax.  Generally, that meant catching a cold or the Flu as your body stopped being a stressed out worker!  

It's OK To Not Be OK Right?

I find myself going through cycles again of gloom and then relative happiness and then to a period of acceptance and it's up and down all the time.

Whether or not this is me, my circumstances, surroundings or the time of year (again) I don't know.  I was thinking (dangerous) that things these days are not how I felt say 30 or so years ago.  By that I mean that I don't have the recreated feelings I did years ago, things have lost their sparkle, I've become more cynical and the veil of the world as it used to be presented to me has dropped away showing ugly avarice and corruption behind it.  Picture the Wizard of Oz where the curtains are pulled back and all is revealed for what it actually was not the grand show it projected itself prior to that.  

So perhaps that's what it is?  I think that I'd like people to stop p1ssing me off, stop interfering in my life, stop taking money off me and so on.  

The conversation with the Developer was, as usual, one of a further slip.  It appears to be not his fault and there's a work around but it really is an 11th hour problem and I'm sure there will be more but it is just draining on me.  I feel that people take your power away by draining all of yours.  It feels like that, perhaps it isn't so.

For now, I will have to just ride along with that and hope that we get some sort of resolution to that.  Everywhere else, I feel I am in this rut that I just can't quite get out of.  It seems to me to be myself defeating myself even though I know I've had plenty of stuff to beat me down and give me a tough time.  IT problems, the App, the Gates and House Maintenance - I just need to actually do something about them.  It would be easy to sit in the corner, grab a few beers and wallow in the despair of it all - but that's never fixed anything and it is just a matter of getting fired up to actually do things again.  I can see things that I could do and I'm still sitting here "thinking about it" which will never get a job done.

Anyway, I content myself at the moment that it is OK to be a bit down but that I need to boost my mind and get on and actually tackle stuff that's in front of me.

Disappointment, Despondency, SNAFU

 It is interesting that I never quite get to a point in my life when I am happy or satisfied and I often, like just now, get to a low point in thinking or existing, I don't know what that is.

I know what it is that troubles me but I seem powerless to actually do something about it.  I expect far too much of people and I find that anyone who doesn't perform their job to my standards is an issue to me.  

These are problems I've had all my life but I do find bad service, incompetence, hypocrisy and other such traits annoying.  I've someone who didn't wrap the goods up properly which arrive broken will not refund me unless I post back (abroad mind you) the item.  We are both strongly disagreeing in our own respective languages and I will have great joy in making it very difficult for them but it's for a few pounds and it's the principle in this case.  Giving me less than 10% of the value back isn't what you do when you've screwed up.

I've fixed (partially) the data loss problems and everything is now being backed up but I don't like the industrial outcome of my solution.

The heating system needs attention but I haven't got the quote yet so I really need that to budget for at the moment the IT costs have taken that money I put by.

The App Developer is about to deliver me more bad news.  What a surprise, it's slipped again and I've got to the point now where I really cannot be bothered to be upset anymore about it.  I have never known anything so bad.  There is a book called "The Mythical Man Month" by Fred Brooks it was published way back in the 1970s I think. It led to Brooks's Law and projects fall behind one day at a time and it is an interesting read.  I used to talk about this as part of my job and I used the analogy that if it took 1,000 men I month to build a mile of road then if I put 30,000 men on it, we'd do it in a day!  Here lies the challenge of Project Management in that it isn't a spreadsheet world and you cannot just add more resource and expect things to be done quicker (there are lots of reasons).  

So, it's a classic tale of optimism versus talent versus in this case and in what will soon be seven years, he has only hit one target milestone and that's the first one. So what do I do?  I've already got angry, helpful, given extra money and been hard and soft man with him.  I've read him his future in my Crystal Ball and it isn't pleasant.  It will be what it will be but my fabled Christmas Launch originally for 2019 hasn't happened yet again.  

I find myself in a sloth of despondency yet I don't need to be.  I know this, I try quite hard to not be (perhaps where I am going wrong).  I should just be in the moment but it seems it's just one thing after the other.  Of course you shouldn't worry about these as what else can you do but I feel that I am piling stuff on and not taking it off.  I need to start to care less or not at all about such things and get on with my life and start to enjoy retirement.  At the moment, I miss work even though I feel that I am working a lot more than I should.

I will have to tackle this as I feel that it is dragging me down.  

I Suppose That's Something - Gates Almost Fixed

 I did some more maintenance on the gates again.  This time I removed the old bracket and re-positioned it, change the limit switches and cut away a bit of the fence to allow the motor arm to move a little further in.  Well, it seems to have brought it back to where it was before.  It's an improvement from the problems I've been having, it is the same as it was prior to that and perhaps in the summer it will be a bit better when the gates and posts dry out.  You'd be surprised at just how much the wood swells up and now the gates are bashing into each other again.  I've adjusted them and sanded some off to allow them to work properly.

That's one job down but I'm sure there will be others too.  The outside doors have rain deflectors over them which need a clean as they are getting moss and algae build up but the wind (gales) of last week have loosened their fixings so once again, I will have to sort that out. It seems never ending to me, there's one thing after the other.  It would be nice just to have a quiet time to myself and not have anything go wrong.

Pressure - I Don't Normally Get Headaches

 It's been a bad week all in all although things are getting better but I could have done without the expense of sorting out IT and now doubling it just in case.  Once bitten twice shy they say but this was quite a psychological hit considering I really thought that I'd nailed the backups and storage etc.

I felt bad yesterday knowing that I'd get the PC back but not certain about whether the Server would kick back to life.  It didn't but I was able to revive it and an upload of the last firmware release did the trick thank goodness.  Later this weekend there will be three servers and UPS sets so let's hope that I've learnt my lessons!

Of course the gates are givig me trouble yet again.  The cold weaher must have frozen the brackets and made the gates work and now they've defrosted, the issue is back but I can see the drive bracket moving and so I've ordered some bolts and nuts (can you believe among the hundreds I've got, not one fits!).

So I woke at 4 am and my mind was alive with realising that I DO have nuts and bolts spare as I have the second set of gates equipment!  Oh FFS and of course they are made for it.  Anyway, I will go and do that while I am waiting for the IT stuff.  Then my mind kicked in about how to use the spare bays I have for Memory for the PC then I need to get some other stuff sorted - I have three old PCs that I need to get rid of and I know a nice man who recycles them.  I could I suppose sell the MAC, I'll see if hey are going for reasonable money - it's a big and heavy beast of a machine.

Other than that, I can now get back on to my newsletters, accounts and getting the App tested.

My head though is pretty bad and I am certain that it is caused by the stress of this week and the IT problems.  Let's hope that after tomorrow I will be secured, I'd hate to go through that again!   

Got My Life Back?

 Well, I got my PC back and thank goodness I read enough to try and rescue my server which was showing red lights everywhere and no data!!!  There's 9 TB of data on there and so it was with some relief that the PC arrived with new PSU and it sounds good I have to say, tight like a new;y serviced car.  The server showed no signs of waking up and so I tried a few reboots, light twinkles and so on but no, it wouldn't have it :-) 

I remembered that the last time this happened I updated the firmware and whilst it would do it itself I manually updated it and there it was all lit up green and healthy however too late to cancel the recovery system I'd bought for it!  Not to worry though.  Arriving tomorrow are UPS sets, two more servers and I'll be able to back up the data properly once again.

I suppose I need to look at getting a new PC too.  I think I have seen one that I like but, of course, new stuff isn't compatible with my lovely old screens and so on!  

Our MPs have seen it necessary to pass the Assisted Dying Act and I think that perhaps this really needed more time and more discussion than it had.  You probably won't get your life back.  It's a difficult thing and MPs are our last line of protection but I don't think that they've done justice to this at all.  In some ways I think that we should have the discussion and review it but surely one day in Parliament is insufficient time and as most of them seem to need someone to help them get dressed and go to the toilet they may not be the right people to actually debate this sort of thing. 

I;m not certain it is the right step forward at all.  I felt that my Father's death was perhaps a good thing, he'd had enough and he wasn't going to get better but I wondered whether a better approach and good palliative care would have been a better way for him rather than in a ward in a Hospital, a Hospice would in my mind have been kinder.  No one wants to suffer and the whole thing including the family and safeguarding need to be applied.  Again, these days, our medical professionals seem to be super drug dealers than practitioners and so I wonder how it will materialise and work out in practice?  It's a big subject and I truly think they should have had more time to consider it and to consult properly.  I very much doubt that the whole picture was presented to everyone who voted.

Instinct Maybe

 I said I had a dread felling this morning.  Well EVRI delivered my Magnetron all the way from China, in only a few days and blow me down, it's broken.  Just to prove it I stuck it in the Microwave turned it on and got a big humming noise and a bang.

No packaging, it was just in a cardboard box and had been dropped and landed on the Antenna bit that sticks into the Microwave Oven itself!  I've now been on to the Manufacturer but they're just going to credit me and not send a new one.  If a new one is delivered in the same condition, what use is it?

How on earth they can manufacture these for about £12 delivered is the first mystery but why send it on a journey half way around the world without putting at least a bit of polystyrene over the Antenna?!  

So maybe that was what it was.  These things are easy enough to replace - as long as you know what you are doing and don't stick your hand across the HV side or the capacitor.  hey don't send replacements, they refund your money! 

Now, do I just keep sticking it out until one arrives properly packaged?

That Dread Feeling

 Do you get that dread feeling in the pit of your stomach sometimes?  Well, it is happening to me right now.  The PC looks as if the PC guru might have fixed it but the server still looks as dead as a Dodo.  I thought I'd covered eventualities but probably not and that's annoying that I hadn't made a double double back up although, of course, I had made some back ups but you then find you never made enough back ups LOL.

I find that things that happen are almost "personal" affronts to me.  I know they are not but the gates have started playing up again and were fine a day ago!  The PC and Server broke.  The Hot Water Cylinder needs a new installation and so on.  I just felt that these things were all happening at once and for some strange reason, I should have been able to mitigate them.  Of course you can't mitigate any of them.  You can over engineer things and over think things (my particular Achilles Heel) to a point where everything affronts you and causes you pain etc.

Of course I know better than that, of course I do.  The trouble is that your head then plays a sort of chess game between ego and rational and various other areas of your mind and you have to stop it.  It takes a while, you have to realise what it is that is going on and then switch it off. 

It's been a list of things really.  The Inventor blowing up, burning his bridges and leaving the business, the developer suddenly adding a further 9 month delay to an already 6 year delayed product. The gates not working, Microwave blowing up, PC stopped working, Server stopped working, car needing a new tyre (but thankfully nothing else) and on and on it goes.

I think also there's the back of my mind what is it going to cost part too.  It's not cheap at all.  The repair to my PC is around half of what I paid for it but of course that was 10+ years ago so in real terms it isn't too bad.  The Microwave should cost around £12 to repair - I was an electrician so I can repair things like this together with fault finding so that's OK too.  You can get parts shipped over from China in a week or two and at reasonable prices.  The Magnetron is £12 shipped.  How on earth they can make them at this price and ship to the UK is beyond me.  But that's what they do and you can see the mark up from UK based suppliers.  I don't think anywhere else makes these things these days.

Watching programmes about China it is impressive how they have taken over almost the whole world in terms of manufacturing, there are a few things they don't do but they are catching up and they lead in some areas way ahead of us.

Our "people" just don't seem to get it at all, we are destroying our manufacturing capabilities by hiking energy prices and also refusing to produce our own raw materials relying on imports.  Don't get me started on it really as it is a whole new conversation to be had around economics and global dominance of markets.  China doesn't actually need our markets in the West if we make it difficult for them to trade.  Just look at the rest of the world and the population spreads.  Our 67 million people aren't exactly a huge market place especially if we restrict and lump on tariffs it's easier for them to sell to countries who don't do this.  Anyway, another discussion for another day.  Let's get my PC back and working then try and do CPR on my server (hitting it with a defibrillator would really kill it though LOL).  Please send luck and good vibes for the patient!

Inconvenient

Yes, it is inconvenient and I am now on my backup of backup old laptop which sort of works but trying to update it to the latest incarnation of Linux has proved fruitless it just won't do it!  Oh well, it's something I guess and here we are.

My password machine is part on the server and part on the PC which is a pain in the arse once again - it is secure but not when both parts of the equation break down simultaneously.  Stuff like addresses and important dates are also shared across the two areas.  

It makes you wonder how we operated without all of this "good" IT stuff before.  

I'm just going to have to make the best of it at the moment and work my way through recovering (it that is possible) all my stuff.  I think I can get all the files recovered but it is just such a pain having to do it.  Once they are recovered I have to re-build the IT system and take out any possibility of a double failure like this

In other news, I have found the fault in the Microwave and the new Magnetron is on its way to me.  Hopefully, that will give me a chance to repair and clean it ready for Christmas.  It's very useful although I do have another Microwave as well, this one is quite a lot more convenient.

My hearing aids are great but need adjusting down a bit as they make everything so very loud, like they are supposed to.  There are a couple of settings for outside, inside, and general that I need to get used to.  

The boiler has been serviced and now we await the quote to replace the megaflow and associated pipework.  Just another bill to be paid but with any luck this should set up for 25 years as long as it is regularly maintained which the previous one wasn't. 

FIngers crossed that we get all this stuff fixed ASAP.  

Oh Bugger it!

 Bugger it indeed.  We had a power cut on Saturday.  A big storm rolled in and took out the power lines. It happens every now and again.  I'm pretty careful with my it and data.  the pc is backed by a RAID 6 server and I have some mirroring in the cloud.  If my PC died I have a backup.  however, not only did that happen but also my Server with all its protection and battery system didn't do its job and is now refusing to restart!

The PC is in for repair I just hope that it is the PSU that has gone.  If so, then I can possibly get the server back online.  If the PC is toast  then I need to get more creative.  It's annoying as I was just waiting for the Black Friday event to get a new server and to set up mirroring on site and off site!

Typical for your IT system to do this.  Oh well, we live and we learn  

Stop Telling Me What To Do

 The creep of the State in this country is ominous.  This socialist ideologue driven government seem to want to Nanny us in everything we do.  The latest under 16 use of social media for example.  Why aren't parents allowed to look after their own children as I did with mine.  They soon found out that various websites weren't working and that I shut down access to the internet for them at bedtime.  What a terrible father I was!  It is easy to do if you have a router.  There were some sharing sites that may have been what everyone was doing back then but I am sure were not legally doing so, so I explained what I was doing and why, what copyright was/is and that those sites wouldn't be available.  If nothing else, it stopped virus and Trojan attacks too.

The  state don't actually work FOR us at all, in fact we, the very people who give them the power are meant to be their masters but it doesn't happen.  It hasn't happened for years and so the only thing you can do is ignore them, get around anything that they do and build resistance.  Live despite them.  When I used to be employed my directors and managers had rules imposed because there needed to be rules of course but some were plainly stupid and wrong.   So what you did was use them when they were to your advantage and get around them when it was likely to affect business or the customer.  You used your common sense and if someone said "You broke the rules" you could always point out that the customer was happy :-)

Using the rules works well when it is a stupid rule.  One of my businesses decided, in its infinite wisdom, to change the reporting system from one that took me a few minutes a day to one that took a whole day.  The level of granularity (it must have been an accountant) went to 15 minute slots and these were also entered using a work code that was broken down to a number of extra levels.  This was to analyse what we were working on and how much GA (General Admin) time we were claiming.  I used to claim around 1 hour a week as I had to do a time-sheet and expenses claim to bill the customer.  I did that on a Friday afternoon evening and so on Monday morning the boss and the admin person would have these to bill the customer.

I remember being horrified that instead of a single sheet for each element we then had a combined system that we had to complete online.  That system rather than being local was located abroad on a server.  Better than that, it was loaded with the company's rules (expenses Vs grade levels etc). If you strayed outside of one of the rules it would red flag your submission and you had to write why the rule was broken - even if it was know that my customer asked specifically for these rules to be broken and was willing to pay for them.

 I dropped a not to my boss stating that the customer wouldn't pay for me to fill in this new form and so I would do it on a Friday afternoon and so we would lose half a day's fees.  He wasn't happy but I suggested he explain it to the customer why he should be made to pay for something that he didn't normally pay for and to explain  to me why I should spend my time doing this sheet outside of the hours he paid me for? He had no stomach for a fight and my manager never went to see customers, they didn't really do that!  

So the first Friday report I did took me way more than four hours and I decided to not fill it in properly and sent it in half complete with an email saying how long it had taken me and that it needs fixing, I also attached the old sheet which had taken me 20 or 30 minutes and suggested they get an admin to do this as I was an expensive asset.

The next week I took the whole day off and started doing this sheet, it needed the activity, activity code and sub code etc.  As it was on a server in another country it took forever to get the code and populate the sheet.  As a stickler for the rules I made sure that every 15 minute increment was slightly different in activity code for the job.  The whole of Friday was of course now time spent filling in this form and so my general admin went from 1 hour a week to 7 and a half hours.  Better than that I was posting my expenses in and my customer used to book me in to stay at a very nice Hotel in Brussels and also I used to enjoy first class travel on the Eurostar to get there and back too.  This had been agreed and so I paid, the company reimbursed me and the customer paid plus the admin fee on top.  The Hotel was the same one other members of the team stayed at and it had been agreed so all was well until I entered the expenses.

Red Flags went off everywhere.  It was against company policy, it needed all the information and emails were sent to head of VP Europe Consulting, My boss, head of UK and how about this, the Office of the CEO also got a copy of it.  We are talking here of perhaps £50 over my pay grade Hotel cost LOL.  You'd have thought a world war was about to start I got emails from all these people and my boss was going apoplectic.  I had a standard piece of test that I'd send off for this sort of thing saying that this was agreed with the business, to see the contract documentation etc and that it had been going on for months.  Now you'd have thought that they would alter the timesheet to take account of this wouldn't you?  NO of course not, they would get the responses to my email and then alter the sheet after sending me the pay grade email saying don't do it again to which I'd respond and say go talk to the customer and rearrange the contract that agrees to this and also you are being paid for it so what's the issue?  So I'd go every two weeks for two or three days at a time and bingo, every occurrence was red flagged.  

I got called into the office thereby wasting a further day of Admin GA time.  When I got there the manager read the policy out to me.  I asked if that was it?  Apparently so, so I explained that I'd wasted a day coming into the office which could not be billed to the customer andthat if he read my emails and looked at the contract he'd see that this was all agreed and also to speak to the sales team who agreed it.

So that week I only did three days for the customer, two days were wasted (as opposed to now one day a week) and he had the cheek to drop me an email saying that my GA time was now 20% (and of course 40% the week before) where it had been almost zero before.  We were losing revenue and not just me the whole business had suddenly lost productivity and were scratching their heads to try and work out why.  A big meeting was called and once again, (the distance of my customer meant I couldn't travel to the office and back and there in a day).  Over 120 of us in a room where my dickhead boss said that he was concerned with the way we had dropped our numbers and how GA time was going up and revenue down.

He obviously saw me shaking me head in disbelief and wasn't complimentary and asked me to speak.  So I did, he was horrified when I explained what problem we were all having.  I then explained that today, every one of his team was not productive and he'd lost 20% of his revenue this week in a meeting and was likely to lose a further 20% of revenue later when we all had to try and combat the crap IT system we were trying to use.  We were an IT company FFS!   When I said the problems I was having and my customer was getting unhappy with me not working as I previously had you could hear and see people agreeing.  I also said the system was thrust upon us and it wasn't fit for purpose.  I had a copy of the CEO's email to me as it was he that had to pass my expenses!  The CEO, not VP Europe and not my boss.  

I have no idea if they ever dealt with it but I used to have Fridays off at home spending all day filling this stupid form in and making cups of coffee in between waiting for it to come up with a work code and also watching it red flag everywhere.  I left that business and set up on my own after that.  

Just another thing, like the government that suits their spredsheet jockeys but not the workers or the customers.  There's always a way around it or you use it to your advantage and make them looks stupid.

Here's a quick aside.  We were not allowed to buy certain goods over a certain value (let's say £5K) without 3 quotes.  OK, the purchasing department were meant to get them for you but they weren't engineers and so the spec may have been a problem.  Some customers actually specify a particular thing and manufacturer supported with a quote.  So we had to buy a Diesel Generator a backup for a large building it was, even back in those days around £175K or perhaps a bit more.  Our Purchasing department were kicking off and so my boss said, buy a barrel of diesel from the company who made the generator.  Which I did so the purchase order went in and then we did an amendment to order for a generator which went through the system without issue.  If you know your way around.....

So Stop Telling Me What To Do.  If it is silly I'll get around it! 

Strange Sayings

I saw that someone posted whether " A poke in the eye with a sharp stick" was still used in everyday parlance and I think it is and whilst I am waiting for my videos and photos to upload so I can send them to Customer Service in China it got me thinking about what people say.

"To be honest with you" or "I'm not going to lie to you" are strange ways to start a reply or a sentence with don't you think?  Yet a lot of people do that.  So what does that mean?  Do they tell lies normally?  Sometimes you hear "To tell you the truth" as well. Are all my friends untrustworthy?  I doubt it but it is one of those start a sentence lead ins that we use.  

A friend of mine when describing a conversation that someone had would describe it "So I turned around and said...." and then "he turned around and said to me..." "So I turned around and said...."  etc.  Gosh you must be really dizzy when it's a long conversation.

English is an interesting language made as it is from a mashing together of other languages but with strange rules and hidden meaning and nuances you have to have grown up with or you probably wouldn't get.  "Yea, but..." is another strange start to a reply and it is much used even when there is no "Yea" or indeed when there is no "But" either.

"you're not going to like this..." OK so don't tell me then!  Of course they'll tell you anyway.  "I shouldn't tell you this but...." and you've guessed it they tell you that too.  

I am sure you could pull together your own list and certain people have a certain way of talking to you and others.  I know quite a few that go "Mmmm, right" or "Mmmm" and then whisper repeat what you've said or the last few words in your own sentence.  Especially punch lines in jokes get a laugh followed by the "mmm, yea <insert punchline whispered here> .."

We all have our own mannerisms and quirks I am sure that I do having to deal with people who often made excuses for not delivering.  I often halted their "Yea but" "To tell you the truth.." and son on by holding up my hand for them to cease talking and repeating the question I had asked slowly but adding the words "Can you give me a straight yes or no answer...?>"  This was repeated until it was yes or no.  Depending on what the answer was we could then move on from there.

Hearing Aids Time

 I've had trouble with my ears all my life, especially my right ear which I had 11 or 13 operations on - I cannot recall now other than being very upset as a child about it culminating when I was around 19 with a Mastoidectomy which proved to be quite a painful experience with what I guess were migraine headaches for between 6 and 9 months afterwards.  

I managed to perforate the ear drum in a diving accident when I lost pressure.  That WAS painful and so I had all sorts of operations and plastic surgery and so on.

So my hearing although not perfect has done pretty well at around 80 to 90% and even a few years ago when I did a test it was still borderline whether I need aids or not.  

I did an online test and it concluded that I need to have a think about aids now and so I purchased a rather nice looking set from Amazon with great reviews.  I had a small amplifier before just for my right ear but it was quite loud and didn't do what I needed which was loud room work.  I can hear just fine normally but in a room full of people and also these days where there is hard finishes and echos, I struggle.

 I've only warn these a couple of times, goodness me, the difference is amazing.  It actually feels too much but we will see when I next go out how they actually fare.  I can hear myself breathing, rustling clothes and noises that I wouldn't normally hear at all.  I guess we grow deaf over time and I've managed to hold out until my late 60s so that's kind of OK especially as I was in the building trade when younger and I loved my loud music too.

I was very surprised quite what a difference these made and so I'm hoping that I will be able to get a bit more out of going out but I just need to turn them to minimum as they make everything so loud! 

Get Back To Reality

 Life's not like that is it?  What do I mean?  Well, check out the adverts and the way that those who communicate to you via whatever your chose media channel is.

Do these adverts and opinions and news pieces reflect what you know is reality? I'd be surprised if I recognise any "real" people in the current wall to wall Christmas adverts.  There's a loose grasp to things I suppose but other than that what are people trying to say and why are we getting certain types of family groups displayed on our screens.  If adverts for example are meant to get you buying the advertiser's products why does, for me, it do the total opposite?  Their message doesn't make me interested, spark my curiosity or anything else.  I just turn off or decide to steer clear of the product or the store etc.

Some adverts I've noticed pander to less than 1% of the population and that's fine but what about the other 99% who are watching at the same time and do the 1% actually watch this trash anyway?  Depictions of the countryside are way off beam, modern households comprise an interesting mix of people too.  I happened to watch a few adverts over the past few days and I honestly think that two of the brands that I have used have decided that I no longer fit into their plans for future sales.  In many ways the "Go Woke Go Broke" label applies in these cases because their adverts put me off ever going there again.  It will be interesting to see what happens to these "Brands" already one has had a lot wiped off its share price.  Sad for the employees and as for the managers and directors... What were you thinking?  I imagine you weren't thinking about your customers at all but want to appeal to any virtue signallers who you think might be interested in your, let's face it, middle class brands.

I read with interest that "People" don't really understand the countryside and how food gets from the great outdoors into plastic covered trays and fancy packaging and in to your kitchen.  Here we often discuss the fact that for us to eat, generally something has had to die to achieve this.  Despite a lot of programmes being available on how stuff gets made and distributed there is a glitter edged telling of the tale.  I live in the country and yet I don't realise the day-to-day life people lead to get food to us.  I worked in an Abattoir setting years ago, a local co-op of pig farmers ran it and let's say for most of us it would be a pretty upsetting scene.  Of course the animals were dispatched humanely and the factory part was scrupulously maintained and cleaned etc.  This production line saw every part of the Pig used.  Understanding this journey might be a useful life lesson for those who think food comes from supermarkets! 

When you see the large scale of farming it should blow your mind.  Here's a piece that you can read that will put a lot into perspective LINK.  So many people have no idea when it comes to how things get on their plate and all the "stuff" that goes on around it.

It's as if there is a big bubble of general ignorance that exists in our society and a huge knowledge gap.  I was impressed that quite a few people thought that pests should not be controlled?  How bizarre is that?  Anyway, I'm back to reality myself now!

What A Strange Day This Is

 It really is quite a strange day today.  Nothing to do with yesterday or last night I don't think.  A few strange thoughts in the morning about my Ex and how life might have been but I don't think it is that either.

I'm just sort of lost today.  I don't know exactly what it is.  My mother rang to say that she finally got her tests through and everything is fine, no problems which is great news as it sounded very bad indeed six or eight weeks ago.

I cannot quite work out why I feel so lost and helpless other than the world seems to be going to hell in a handcart.  I shouldn't let that bother me anyway so it's not that either.  I wonder what it is?  I've got to continue fault finding my gates but it is perishingly cold out there at the moment and I need to do some work that is delicate in a way with limit switches and so I'd rather do that when it is slightly above zero freezing.  That's not it either.

So what is it?  I can't quite fathom it out.  I know I've got to spend a lot of money on the house but I realised that when I called the maintenance man in.  I knew there was something not quite right with the heating and hot water.  So it might be that I have to dig into my savings.  Perhaps it is the fear of continually doing that but, I saved up when I was younger and hopefully I can fall back on some of that if I need to.

Perhaps it is something else that I haven't considered?  It could be age and thinking about that I suppose or maybe that I am just not getting on?  The business has stalled yet again with a problem in the software development process.  I don't know, it could be that or the delayed impact of losing the inventor and business partner and now doing it all myself?  It doesn't ring any mind bells typing it but once again, it is possible.  There really isn't much to do now, I've got everything lined up and just need to push the button but I wonder if it because we are heading towards Christmas and yet again, deadlines are being missed?  It would be good to actually launch it and see if it makes some money though.  Of course, I need to guarantee that there's money there in case we don't make any sales!

I don't think it is that either.  So is it something a bit deeper than that.  I often felt that I never really changed the world but then again, did I want to?  Working on things that changed people's lives, kept them employed and so on is probably enough I suppose.  But once again, why the strange not quite malaise I feel today?  Did I waste my life perhaps?  Could I have done things differently?  Without a doubt of course but given the choices and the paths I followed or went down things could only have been as they are now.

I felt really bad that I left my Ex though and she was in my thoughts earlier.  I tried my hardest not to but I probably left it too late and I hung on and hung on but things got worse not better but I did admire her for pulling me through the battle of Bladder Cancer and I am very glad she did.  Maybe I feel guilty that her reward was for me to leave?

Then I feel somewhat lonely every now and then.  When you leave someone, you don't just leave them, it is as if you divorce your friends too.  They either line up with you or your Ex.  Many of the friends I had are gone and I am out of contact with them.  Maybe, coming towards Christmas that is another thing I miss?

Whether or not I'll work this out I suppose doesn't really matter, I'm sure I'll be fine in a day or so.  Winter always makes me a little down anyway, the dark nights and mornings yet in a month it will be the shortest day and things start to return full circle.  

I am really not sure why I am so empty today though.  I feel very well in myself and the loss of weight really does seem to have made a difference and I have noticed in the past few weeks that things like my finger ring is loose as is my watch.  My trouser belt is in another notch too.  Clothes that were tight on me are now loose too.  That's all good stuff surely? 

I expect it is a combination of things perhaps all of the above that combine, that and yearning after lost friendships that should never have been lost in the first place.  

Shouldn't Have Done That

A bit silly last night.  I was on my own and after a successful day decided to have a beer.  I really shouldn't have done so but I did.  I say A beer but I had 4 cans albeit small ones throughout the evening.  It was quite pleasant to just actually relax and enjoy some "me time" as I haven't done that for a while.

There's a fair bit on my mind once again as it looks as if I will have to find money for a new cylinder and pipework for the heating / hot water.  I had the service engineer over and he confirmed my fears about it.  At least we know about it and can actually do something about it.

So I was sat there working through finances and the like and working out what needs to be done and drinking a beer.  I knew I'd had some and the alcohol content was obvious as I could feel it.  I'm OK this morning but I must not make a habit of it.  It was good to have one but that was it really.  I've got some in for Christmas which I intend to leave in their boxes.

The gates are still a problem but it looks as if the troubleshooting we did yesterday may have given us some ideas for solving the problem.  Limit switch adjustments to be made today to see if I can get the gate to open properly.  It is cold so it numbs your hands being outside.  Hopefully this will fix the issue.  Quite why the limit switched may have slipped after 9 months or so is a mystery though.

Finally, age.  I wished someone a happy birthday today and I'd always thought they were older than me or maybe the same age.  They had grown up children quite a bit older than ours so perhaps they started their family early?  Unless they put their DOB down on Facebook different they are 10 years younger than me!  I'm rubbish with ages of people, I've never been able to accurately work out how old people are.  

Doing Things

 You know one of the things that makes me feel good with a sense of accomplishment is to actually go out and do something.  Today, a bit of DIY on a broken bed frame. I had to get creative as it was old and brittle and the snap was  messy.  So purchasing an Aluminium piece of tube I was able to make a metal jacket around the wooden frame and hopefully hold it all together.

I haven't worked with metal for a while but it was satisfying to measure up, drill, cut and file what I needed and then glue and screw everything together.  It's drying now and whilst it isn't pretty it is functional.

My drive way gates however are still proving problematic.  I've tried what's been recommended but it doesn't appear to have worked.  I have no idea what it is but the gate just doesn't quite go back to where it started from and that's despite following the instructions and making videos to show them what I've done - hopefully they'll come back with a fix!  Such a nuisance. it is only about a foot out but it does mean it is difficult to get the cars in.

So having been outside on this cold and frosty morning I can look at the bed end and know that I've done something useful.  Of course the gates remain an issue.  I have no idea what it is as they were fine up until a week ago and suddenly they've stopped working properly.  

Anyway, doing constructive things does make you feel a bit better I have to say.

Did Someone Say "Stuck Farmer"?

My hearing is not what it used to be.  Actually I now have some hearing aids to see if they can combat a problem I have in crowded rooms where I can't clearly filter out the hubbub and  so cannot clearly hear someone speaking to me.  So let's give these a go.

I like a bit of word play and yesterday the Farmers came out and protested at this new government (led by Starmer) who have messed around with inheritance tax that will potentially break up our farms in the future.  There's a general sympathy towards farmers we live in and around farms and they are hard working and out in all weathers no matter what.  The metropolitan "elite" (they are anything but of course) are forcing their ideology onto this country and as not one of them has held down a real job even if their CVs may state they do, their decisions, not thought through, untested, not considering real ROI and certainly not prepared with joined up thinking are harming the economy and damaging the very people this party has always said they represent.

I am going to keep trying these hearing aids as I'm certain I misheard Stuck Farmer!

In other mildly interesting things, I am feeling a lot thinner this morning and I tried on a tee shirt that I haven't worn for some time as  it was too tight and it fitted with room to spare which is great and I am almost on another notch on my trouser belt.  My trousers actually fall off me without a belt now and I can wrap a good couple of inches past the top button.  So the diet (perhaps I shouldn't call it that) is working.

What am I doing?  Well the first thing is no beer.  Liquid bread they call it and it has made quite a difference to me.  I absolutely love a beer but it is loaded with easily absorbed carbohydrates and the body just converts it effortlessly into fat!  Secondly, a Keto/Carnivore diet and intermittent fasting appear to be working really well.  I've been doing the intermittent fasting for a good two or three weeks I guess and the weight is coming off nicely and in a controlled manner.  I try and do intermittent for 5 days a week if possible but it often depends on what is going on.  

I feel healthy and overall I feel less exhausted doing things, I feel satiated when I do eat, I interestingly only feel hungry just as I break the intermittent fasting and it isn't pangs it's more anticipation that food is on its way.  My head is clearer and my anxiety is less.  We had a maintenance engineer over yesterday and I'd normally be on edge about it but it was fine and I felt OK.  I knew that there'd be work to be done which they will quote me for.  I am kicking myself for not having it done regularly but there you go.

Anyway, I am tackling my hearing, losing weight and feeling good about it, my stomach is going away now nicely and it's noticeable that my arms are now losing their fatty bits as are my legs.  I can see parts of my body that I wasn't able to just 3 or 4 months ago.  It's taken a while to lose this weight but I need to remind myself that it was only July that I started a short 4 months ago and whilst I have been strict on not drinking I have had a weekend away and had some zero alcohol beers a couple of times.  I don't eat much Vegetables and I steer away from potatoes, pasta, rice and all that sort of stuff so my diet is nearly all meat or fish.

I am really pleased with progress and now I have lost at least two stone the weight is noticeably coming off as clothes now fit loosely, my other clothes are beginning to fit again and I feel so much better for not carrying that around - it's 14 bags of sugar to give you an idea that are not being carried on my body it is noticeable for sure.

Anyway, let's see how these protests are going and what this pathetic government are going to do.  If reports are to be believed there's major impacts coming from business.  It's cold and the pensioners (of which I am one) will be trying to work out how to heat their houses and keep warm.  It's like watching a very slow motion car crash.  You can see the wheels wobbling and about to fall off, you can see that the car will hit a brick wall but the driver still has their foot to the floor accelerating.  Thousand of people are watching and muttering under their breath quietly in a whisper almost "watch out" and "stuck farmer".  They like me, watch in curiosity rather than horror at the unfolding frame by frame scene even though we know the outcome, the watch is enjoyable in some sort of evil delicious way.....