Limbo State

Tomorrow is the pre-assessment and I can't say that I particularly like it. So familiar am I with the nurses there that I have a swab kit here to pre do some of the tests for MRSA so I just need to hand those in.

I suppose it can't be helped that I am a little heavier than the last time I went in. Other than that I will just have to see what tomorrow brings. Friday just needs to be over and done with and I hope that by this time next week I will be able to be sitting here writing some good things about the procedure - unlike last time.

To tell the truth I have now forgotten how many times I have actually been into Hospital for biopsies and TURBTs - I think this makes 7 times but I'd need to go and check that out.

I'm trying to be balanced and tell myself that I'd have settled for going in every 6 months for the rest of my life if they cured me - that would make me shudder but you can probably see that the act of reminding myself that the treatment has been life-saving brings some perspective back to the situation. I forget (like most people do) that through all the horrible things that have gone on the undeniable truth is that I am here still, I am in good health (although not great health) and that I need to count myself privileged to be in a position that the next operation is to check that things are OK not to remove tumours or anything else worse than that.

I've been quite down this past week and pretty downbeat, pessimistic almost (and many who know me would realise that isn't my usual state). Today I'm in a different mindset and I'm beginning to think things through more - rationalise it all out and make sense of what is going on. I did get a bit of a shock when I daydreamed of going to the woods and saw a picture of myself hanging from a noose on a tree - that snapped me out as well. I hasten to add, it (suicide) doesn't enter into the equation but it was a vivid representation of the depth of last week's depression. If you are wondering, I wouldn't because of what it does to those who know or knew you and those who found you and all that sort of stuff. I can understand why but not why you would upset loads of people by doing it (train jumpers for example - and I saw one just the once and it did upset me too). Yes, a daydream and a warning painting - the brain is a complex thing.

I have to face facts sometimes that I'm working with the cards I've been dealt and worrying about things beyond my control. Worrying doesn't change things but it is so much part of the territory (the Doctors don't tell you about) that I should be getting used to it by now. In some ways, maybe I am that I can work it through and know that it is transitory in nature. The whole Cancer trip is a fairground ride where someone has tampered with the rails or half sawn through the wooden supports of the roller coaster you're on. To your Doctor it is a tumour to be removed, treatment and checking and best care for a cure or remission. if it is worse then there is no doubt a protocol to follow in terms of whether they have time and ability to slow or stop metastasis. They have a matter of fact approach whereas you have to live with the dread of the boogie man coming back all the time. Someone likened it to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and along with the massive fatigue that can also bring is the constant worry that something is about to happen to you. On a tour of duty service personnel have huge amounts of stress for long periods - whether they'll take a bullet, an IED or die, every hour or every day for the whole tour of duty. In Cancer it is that every twinge, anything out of the ordinary any slight change is a return of the cancer. There is always the worry that it will come back and that it will come back and get you next time. Your brain doesn't help you with this, it just adds fuel to that particular line of thought and makes things worse unless you spend time equalising out and in almost a right hand, left hand brain way think through the whole thing.

It is funny that last week wasn't "The Black Dog" I described earlier or even its puppy :-) It was just an uneasy state of being "stuck in a rut" or if "I hadn't got cancer?" or perhaps a bit of the old self-pity or the down after the holiday and returning to work. Who knows. Cancer just amplifies this and I it plays on your own fears and it magnifies them.

It is a nice sunny day outside, as usual it looks as if I am the only one in the house and so I will set up outside with a radio (Test Match is on) and a shade and have a relaxing day.

I do have my health and I have family, job and yada yada so I ought to be thankful that I have those.

Another Photo - Our Cruise Ship

A nice enough Ship P&O Artemis. At 25 she shows some signs of age but is a bit like an old pair of worn in faded jeans - comfortable and familiar.

I thought I could take photos

We did the family photos - not mine just A's and L's photos. They both had a great time and L's shots of Argentina are amazing. A's Venice and Rome ones were also quite stunning. We didn't have time for mine but as my photos amount to theirs combined - over 1,800 photos and the best part of 2 hours video it would be a bit too much just for one sitting. Tomorrow maybe.

Kind of dreading this time next week - I'll no doubt be stuck in Hospital overnight - I do hope though that this time it is in the Urology ward where they actually know how to look after you!

TGIF

Just got home and will be spending quality time (as they say) with L to hear her stories of Argentina, Paraguay and Brazil. I just glimpsed some of the photos and it looks to have been a brilliant trip.

Work was a bit hectic. The Boss's one day back and everyone wanted a piece of him. I got in early but he is off for 3 weeks to Canada. I have my own worries with the pre-assess on Monday and the operation this time next week. I don't feel good about this one at all and I think that I've already touched on why that should be.

Anyway, at least I can look forward to a warm weekend so they say and perhaps we can get the barbecue out and we might even drag my screen and projector outside and have an open air movie of our holiday slides and videos :-)

Plane has arrived at Heathrow

Just waiting to get the call and I will order the take away Chinese which L has ordered along with being me with a Yorkie Bar (a large UK chocolate bar advertised as "not for girls").

I got home a bit early and have set up the kitchen ready and am tracking the flight. Very much looking forward to seeing her as it has to be the longest time apart any of us have ever had.

L comes back from Argentina

In about 18 hours time. I am really looking forward to seeing her. I do miss her - she is so funny and so "off the wall" - I don't know where she gets it from.

I'm so proud/pleased etc. I just want to hear about everything she has done and to reinforce in her mind that she did this almost entirely herself - she raised almost every penny/cent and I am hoping that it will be a real life changing experience for her. We will have a big party tomorrow night and unfortunately I need to be in work the next day as it is the only day the boss is in!

I imagine she will sleep the whole of Friday anyway and so we can have a great family weekend and just listen to her adventures.

Nice night out

At the Jazz evening. Been going since 1988 so a bit of an old hand. I'm still the youngest one there though :-)

Feeling kind of maudling at the moment and just not my normal happy go lucky self. Sure it will change once all the crap is out of the way.

Guess what? My PC which was terminal I thought - is back with me and working. How cool is that? The PC man tested everything and it all worked, which is biz are as when I did that everything was dead. Anyway, glad to have that back and my car which cost a king's ransom to sort out this time. I suppose at 6 years old it needed all it brakes, tyres and bushes sorted. It is now looking like a real cat as it sits glistening on my driveway - Grrrrr!

Well there's your problem

On the way in to work it struck me that I really quite resent having my life changed and it adds to some of the reasons I'm currently unhappy.

Before BC I was on 4 times the money and every day was a challenge; I had responsibility and autonomy and status. Now I don't have any of those or, perhaps it is more accurate to say, I don't realise if I have any of those. I think I might have respect/status but the problem with taking a job lower down the food chain is that it doesn't push or challenge and it has now got to be routine - which I think is a better word than mundane. I easily exceed expectations as expectations are set for someone at the beginning of their career, not with a 1,000 year's knowledge and experience like me :-)

Getting up and going to work is mechanical and not exciting although I enjoy the people. It is funny that I'm feeling this at a time when, if everything is clear, I will be able to negotiate a permanent role. I suppose in this day and age having a permanent job can be looked on as a good thing.

Anyway, so I've pinned down one of my current issues. I know the other one is just reeling from having to go in for full biopsies again and realising that I will have to continue this sort of thing for whole of life, it isn't going away - or isn't likely to in the next several years.

Perhaps there is also the uncertainty about what they'll find - it has been 8 months since the last operation and I've had no maintenance since that time...

A combination of things then but it is all about coming back to the reality of what you have - a manageable acute disease that can recur when you least expect it.

Occasional Images of the holiday

CLICK on the image to make it much larger.

Why not I thought put a few images up. this one is pretty damn spooky. In Copenhagen we looked over by a bridge and saw these statues staring out of the water at us. I hope you can see them - oh for a filter to be at hand but, of course, A has all my lenses and filters :-)

Doom and Gloom Mood continues

Actually it was lightened a little as some more of my colleagues were in today and so that lightened me up a bit. I realised that I didn't actually tell them that I was due in next week - I'll tell them tomorrow.

We are getting ready for L to return on Thursday night. My car got serviced today and at close to £1K for the work needed I might need to start thinking about my little luxury :-) however, Mrs. F. is going off to Heathrow on Thursday to pick her and her friend up so there will be a massive welcome home for her then. I have to go to work on Friday which is a nuisance but I reckon L will sleep for 24 hours anyway so we have the whole weekend.

I can't say that I am looking forward to the next few weeks. Perhaps it may be the last invasive work on me, perhaps it wont, we will have to wait and see the results.

there was a series of programmes on last night about Cancer - very interesting and I'm getting my head back around the fact that as ordinary as I appear and as much as I'd like this all to go away, it isn't going away and it will come back at decreasing frequencies (I hope) for the rest of my life.

You don't really understand that as you hope that you'll just get discharged and that will be it. It may be with some cancers but not, it seems, with bladder cancer at the level I had anyway.

I'll see if I lighten up a bit more tomorrow. At least it is Jazz night tomorrow and I will enjoy going to that and spending some time with my friends.

Funny mood

I've been in a funny old mood for a couple of days now. I'm not sure I understand all the reasons why - I can guess that it is a combination of things and I'm sure it is coming back to "routine" and I really don't do routine at all well. I couldn't hack a job that was the same day in and day out. This job has got a bit "samey" now and I suppose from being someone that had to walk into everyday and tackle whatever turned up, this can get quite dreary and like walking through treacle to get something done that, frankly, should only take a few hours.

I'm neither one thing or the other at the moment and it isn't depression although it is close, it is perhaps coming back to normality and the day to day trudge of life. Things just go on much the same everyday and it would be nice for it to be different occasionally.

No one likes an Operation

Least of all me. Not my usual cheery self today at all at work. Was a bit grumpy and a bit annoyed with just about everything really. Annoyed with the stuff left on my desk; annoyed that I feel not so great about my holiday and annoyed that I have to go in for a full blown operation and the needles and the other baggage that goes with the territory. I can see how some people just give up and finally refuse treatments and so on.


Interestingly enough, I just haven't convinced myself this time that this is necessary. I thought that the December Operation was it and that all would be over and every time something happened to me, I convinced myself that it would be the last time that I needed to have a cannula in my hand, go to theatre, wake up from a strange sleep, argue with the nurses about my inability to walk around a ward when I was connected to the bed and all the other "fun" things that happened to me last time. At each stage, it was my defence mechanism. This is the last time you'll need to do this or that I'd tell myself.


Obviously not then!


Oh well, I'm tired and I need to get some sleep. A has heard from L that she is alright and relaxing back in Buenos Aires ready to come home later this week. Goodness she has been away a whole month.


Talking to A tonight was interesting, it appears that she was one of only a very few who got Distinction in her exam. Some only got passes and there were very few merits awarded either. She really does work very hard and just looking at her notes and research you can see how much effort went into the project at the end. Good on her. It looks as if she has got her place secured and will travel up from here every day. Good on her I say.

The wake up call

The brain is great at forgetting things and also I have that sort of personality that throws bad experiences away and moves on. Enough sh1t happens that you need to dump it and move on. I'm relatively lucky to be able to do that and once it has happened and is over and the short term disappointment or whatever other experience I had is thrown away and only referred to when needed.

I'm just feeling a bit down at the moment as I know what is coming and I just need to get over this phase which looks at the downsides of what is coming. The upside should be that the results will prove where we go next. The positive side could be that this will be the last operation and that I'll go onto the challenging but probably better flexible cystoscopy...

In the overall scheme of things, I just have to go through this operation and then see what happens next. I forget, or I quickly forget, the fact that I have had a very serious condition and this is the territory. This is all for my own good but it still isn't great and it isn't something you'd choose to do.

So there you go - it is, I suppose, the shock of coming back off of holiday and finding the letter there telling you when you are going to get done.

Feeling quite low

Probably as a result of coming back from holiday, realising that the operation is less than 2 weeks away and remembering the mess I was in last time. Then there is the perennial "what am I doing?" question coming along. I'm back on my mid life crisis stuff. You know the sort of thing, "surely there is something I should be doing?" "Why am I not happy with things the way they are?" There just seems to be a cycle to this which at the moment finds me in depressed mood. I'm also going through the everything is cancer phase again. There is a small swelling in my mouth, some of my moles look dark, I had a bit of a cough the other day, my throat feels dry. Everyone of them is cancer but probably aren't. You just react to every little thing like that and yet I'm in good enough health really. I think it is just a phase again and the pattern is much like this as I get highs and lows all the time.

I don't consider myself to be a hypochondriac but just recently I've been given to this train of thought. Of course it is now well over 3 years since the first operation and my goodness how time has flown and how things have progressed on since then. I had the funniest moment on the ship when someone mentioned getting off at Tallinn and visiting the cigar bar. I almost felt like going along and sitting there and lighting one up as if to defy the cancer gods and sneer at them. What a bizarre thought.

I do hope I snap out of my current malaise. I really don't care to want to go to work or do anything at the moment and when I'm like this I am at my most destructive as I don't tend to do what I'm good at and that is think logically and measure my thoughts and actions. I am likely to go and do something stupid like quit my job or bark at someone.

Off to bed now and hope to shake this apathy for tomorrow.

Tired from all that walking

For the second day we have laid in and got up late. No problems with that - but pretty much as we felt that the holiday was going to be quite exhausting even though they missed two ports. I note that they also managed to do that on the previous cruise too. Some can't be helped due to the weather but a mechanical breakdown meant that in reality out holiday didn't actually have an end point and so was left in limbo. Unfortunately the people at P&O don't have that sort of mindset and the poor old Captain was left without much to calm down the passengers.

Some of the dyed in the wool types who actually haven't been on any other holiday or with any other company thought this was a reasonable stance - we missing 25% of the ports we were expecting to see didn't. Some poor soul was actually due to get off at Gothenburg but ended up trapped on the ship like we were. Mind you at least they were compensated properly and were able to fly back there. We had hardly enough compensation to get us to the airport. I still await a response to my complaint that I made on board. However, given their inability to inform us of anything in a half decent manner I'm not holding my breath on that.

It makes it sound like a bad experience which it wasn't really but we were amazed that they were so unprepared for something that appears to happen quite regularly with P&O. It was that their customer service and communication stank. I thought their strap line "Everyday is different" was a load of bollocks especially when stuck on the ship for 2 days longer than you planned to be as everyday was "the same".

I can't say that I am particularly looking forward to getting back to work on Monday or to getting myself prepared for the next lot of biopsies given the awful experience I had last time. I think I'll make the point this time when I go and see the pre-assessment people.

For pity sake now the other PC

My rather swish notebook PC has died. Typical and lucky I didn't destroy the photos on my camera after I downloaded them! The thing just expired which looks like an internal power supply fault. Of course it is out of warranty and of course it is the primary PC I use. Whilst it is backed up it isn't much use to me to transfer at the moment as it uses a different operating system to everything else.

So a trip to my local store to see if they can rectify is in order. It is a damn nuisance of course as it is also the PC I use for presentations.

2 weeks today and I'll be in hospital getting my biopsies done. Please, please, please let it be the last operation I have to go through. I am beginning to loose count now of these. I can understand though that they need to do this. It is pretty aggressive and they want to make sure before going along the next route. With recurrence always a possibility I suppose I ought to also be prepared for that as a possibility - waking up with more troubles than I went in with.

The holiday already seems a long way back in the distance.

Back Home

A great time but tinged with a few disappointments about the Ship but on balance we had a great time and we are still talking to each other. I'll get around to that later I'm sure but the other news is that I have the date for my operation - yes - full biopsies once again!

The problem with that is that I have managed, even with loads of walking almost everyday to put on a fair amount of weight. Oh well - it will be a challenge to see how much I can lose in a few weeks!

I've been well all the time we have been away and actually look like I have had holiday too as it was great weather unlike the UK which appears to have suffered a washout.

Just met up with A who also had a good time in Venice and Rome. L has sent a few messages saying all is OK in Argentina.

More when I get settled back home.

Final Countdown Begins

I have my check list to fulfil including the need to go up to the shops and buy myself some reading glasses. I was repairing my spare set when Mrs. F. tried to be helpful and as I was searching out a pair of pliers she straightened one of the arms against the lens with the inevitable consequence of shattering my lens :-( As luck would have it, they are only £5 a pair reading glasses and so I'm not that upset and can wander up to the Chemist to get some more.

The cars are switched on the drive, I need to check tyre pressures, put out the rubbish, unload the dishwasher and a few other chores and then go and collect Mrs. F. from work and we can get going.

I'm looking forward to the break - the weather doesn't look great, lots of rain everywhere but let's hope that it picks up a bit for us. As ususl the BBC long range forecast of a blisteringly hot summer (the 3rd time in three years they've said it) is, like the previous years, proving to be a bit of a punt in the dark! If they say it long enough, one year they may get it right.

I'll sign off for a while unless i decide to visit the cyber cafe on board and hope everyone keeps well in the next few weeks.

Watch out Baltic here I come

Packed, just about ready and logistics are worked out so as we go A returns and this time tomorrow we will be well at sea and halfway to Norway.

I am really looking forward to this now - I really do need a break too as I am just so damn tired all the time. I have my check list ready for the morning and then I can go and pick up Mrs. F from work and we can get down to Southampton and get away.

I missed the work get together but I wouldn't have been much company as I got off early and still managed to fall asleep on the train.

I've even managed to transfer my e-mails so I can (in theory) get them on the Ship if I wanted. Not sure I do but there you go.

AndyP dropped me a line and he is doing fine which is great news. I haven't contacted the Hospital, I will do so on my return though to find out when they want me in. August is good as nothing is happening but my diary for September is getting full up already!

What is it all about?

Out tonight with old school chums - good laugh, a few beers and life is great. I wasn't on top form but close. Holiday is so near I can taste it and I am really keyed up to go now. L has contacted us from Argentina and is having the time of her life - - oh for the opportunity when I was younger to have done that trip - she really is enjoying some down to earth experiences. Best one - she washed her knickers, hung them out overnight to find a minus 10 C had frozen them by the morning - great stuff and so many anecdotes for later - I envy her but I am SO proud of her achievement - she has worked so hard for it and deserves to go for the effort alone. I've been a bit hard on her as I have made her work for the whole thing but, nasty piece of work I am, I think that if you work for it and it is all your effort then you appreciate it so much more than just us paying for her to go.

It is still strange not having either of the girls at home but reassuring that they are independent and confident travellers at just 15 and 19 years old.

A has secured her Distinction in her Art Foundation and her place at University is now assured. She is pleased. I am also delighted for her. The examiner's remarks concur with my view that she has put a massive amount of effort into her work and the subtly of her work is way beyond her years. I always thought that our family were good in terms of artistic skills - I could be good if I practised and turned my attention to it. A's work is stunning and when I saw it recently (through the pain of the cost of the reproduction photos) it stood out as an excellent work of photographic art. I feel as if she is so many years in advance of me. I am a keen amateur and I can take the same photo as A but you would look at mine and say what a nice photo and look at hers and ask "what is around the corner or off frame?" Such is her eye for composition.

I kind of look at things and wonder if "my work here is done?" Both girls are ready to go onto whatever their career path holds for them and now, it is beyond my level of expertise and knowledge. My background being useful as a first from the University of Life can probably only give sound advice. theory and usefulness to even comprehend their chosen subjects is now beyond my ability to help.

Blogging at work

Surely the slippery slope here David?

Well, to tell the truth things are a bit slow here at the moment. The bottlenecks are often those I work for and until they release a piece of work back to me after review or unblock a road block for me, I can't get on. What I have done today has been accomplished and it is the middle of the afternoon and I could easily fall asleep or just go home and still get as much work done.

The tiredness continues to bug me though and not being active makes it worse somehow. It isn't anywhere as bad as it has been but even so I find it annoying that it still happens.

Oh well only two more days at work and I can get off and enjoy a break.

Planning and anticipation

I am looking forward to finalising holiday arrangements and after clearing up the last of my "to do" list this morning I watched the German GP and then got down to some serious research as I really haven't gone into details on a couple of the cities - Gothenburg and Helsinki figuring that I have time to do that especially on board as there are plenty of briefing sessions to attend.

No word from the Hospital still - I suppose there is still time but the NHS is struggling with Swine Flu. Someone in the village has it apparently. They are talking about suspending all routine and non essential operations to deal with the "pandemic" - yeah right.

Oh well - just another 3 days at work and we can zip off to our Baltic Cruise and two bits of trivia which I'm not sure I really wanted to know are that our Ship is about the size of ...........



The Titanic



The better news is that Cruising is statistically the safest holiday type :-) - unless you happen to be off the Somali coast that is I guess.

Food still here, less washing it can only mean

The kids aren't here. The house is less crazy, much larger, the milk and Fridge don't mysteriously run short at a moments notice, the toilet paper is always available in the bathroom and the bathroom is always free. No one asks for anything and the sound of (what I swear are Wildebeest) running up and down the stairs, slamming doors and other associated din has gone.

It takes some getting used to but it is rather pleasant actually :-)

Another 3 weeks of this - bring it on!!!

Interesting Evening

Topped off by bumping into my neighbour (cured of Lung Cancer) and discussing our cases at 11:30 at night both on the way home from nights at the pub.

Interestingly I was with 3 young ladies from work and had an evening of bizarre revelations and interesting anecdotes about work. I am an INTJ I don't get a lot of this - I just want to wade in and make it work. The fun is coming soon anyway when I negotiate my hours and my rate. They want to pay me less than one of the PAs and most of the other staff as the job has never been "valued". I shall enjoy myself when I get back from my Holidays.

A part time day tomorrow - looking forward to it and to discussing some things in sober light of day!!

Not good today either

My stomach wasn't great yesterday and this morning I woke up really tired and decided not to go to work.  I ended up with an extra 5 hours in bed and feel a bit better now.

All seems well - planes have landed where they have meant to land and no news is good news.  I completely missed the date yesterday - one of my milestones - the day I went to see my Doctor who pronounced matter of factly that it was probably a tumour that I had and then told me they would knock me out but they did a flexible Cystoscope under local anaesthetic.  

I was pretty traumatised at that point and was in a right state when I got back home.  All I remember was starting to smoke - which I hadn't for ages and drink and generally feel pretty sorry for myself.  That lasted about 2 days then I moved on a bit but to think that it was 3 years ago surprises me - it certainly doesn't feel that way.  Of course the 7th July also hails the anniversary of the London Bombings and I remember being caught up in all of that.

I'm away for the 21st and 25th (diagnosis and first operation) I'm in Visby and ST. Petersburg respectively and I never thought I would be.  What will be good is that I have kept my own promise to myself to do some travelling and enjoy myself and celebrate being alive.  I'm really looking forward to it now, so much to see and do.

Strange day

I've actually not been great today, having some stomach problems. I'm certain it is the pub I took refuge in last night from the rain. It seems to be something to do with that pub - I'm sure I got something similar last time I went.

Went off to see L off. She was very upset and in tears. Not because she was going but because Mrs. F. hadn't turned up and everyone else had and they had been asked to get onto the coach. As luck would have it Mrs. F. turned up at that moment and so things were OK. There were many tears and I really didn't like it at all. As I've said before, these sorts of things really turn me over just because of how emotional it all is. It was never a problem with me before BC. These days I do find it disturbing. Anyway, all went off alright and she was laughing and joking as they drove off which is more like her really.

They've had a slight delay but have a long hard journey ahead of them. She is off to Madrid as I write and then flies to Buenos Aries later in the early hours of the morning. An overnight stop and then a 24 hour bus ride!!! I'm sure that she will be fine once she gets there.

That's the second one gone

Just driven off for final briefing. We are going up to the school to wave her goodbye but that is both A and L off of our hands for a while. It is spooky that we wont see them for almost a month each.

I'm looking forward to waving L off though, she has worked so hard for this trip and raised all the money herself whether that be sponsorship or actually working for it. It will mean a lot to have achieved that and I'm sure she will come back a changed girl. Funny thing that she is (she has my sense of the surreal), she had a T-Shirt made up with "Argentina 2009" on the front and "Fernandino" on the back because no one can spell our surname! Good on her, with that sort of attitude I am sure she will thoroughly enjoy her expedition.

The house is quiet now - spooky, I bet the food lasts longer too :-)

I'm looking forward to my holiday too - not long to go now and I can actually get some time to sort out the visits for all the stops after St. Petersburg which has taken priority whilst I arranged private tour guide and driver to get away from the madding crowd and to save a huge amount at the same time.

Day off

I decided to take the day off tomorrow. A good move by the looks of the chaos that is the house this evening. I just let them get on with their small tantrums and by this time tomorrow it will all be over and I'll be staring at Mrs. F. and wondering quite what to say after 19 years of having one or other of the kids or someone else's kids in the house. Spooky!

I will go and wave L off tomorrow and I'll try and be up to wave off A and her boyfriend. I'm pleased that they are getting out and about and exploring the world and doing it themselves. I'm glad I am still around to see it (of course) as I never did think I would be.

Once they have disappeared Mrs. F and I can get down to sorting out our own holiday.

Some massive rain showers around this evening - I got caught in two of them - luckily I was picked up part way home or else I'd have been soaked through even with an umbrella.

Still noticing the tiredness - probably the weather too not helping.

Ready to move on

Disappointment lasted all of about 30 minutes yesterday. I had kind of resigned myself to knowing that it was a stitch up after I spoke to some guys last Monday about it. What is annoying is the way it was handled and when someone says you didn't get to the next stage, they aren't actually telling you why. It would amaze me if anyone had more experience in a couple of the areas they asked for as those who do have more than me didn't go for the job.

So - plan A kicks in and I need to decide what to do here at work. The money is pants but the people are good. The trouble is that right now, the work is slowed up for the holiday period and so things aren't flat out. Maybe I should take that as a good thing? At least I have a few weeks to think it through.

Which reminds me. I had better talk to the Hospital about what they want me to do now?

So it was a stitch up

I got the e-mail that had gone to my Spam box as it didn't come from where I sent the original. It was very short, non transparent and hardly explained why I wasn't considered.

Interestingly enough, as I understand it, they had an incumbent and had to advertise the post. It will be interesting to see who it turns out to be as I can't think of anyone with the same level of internal experience as I have but there you go.

I'm a bit annoyed that they wrote such a sh1t letter back and it was so poorly handled that I hope the new chap actually does something about the process. A few words of explanation would have gone a long way to smooth things out. The way this is done just arouses suspicions and gets hackles up.

Other than that the week has been very busy but I have been struggling with tiredness. Birthday was good, very enjoyable and today was a quiet day watching Wimbledon and recovering.

The weather looks set to break tomorrow - thank goodness as the hot nights were getting to be a bit much.

L is off to Argentina on Tuesday and A is off to Italy. Things are going to get weird around here after Tuesday :-)

3 years in

Hardly seems that it is possible that it has been 3 years since it all kicked off.

Hardly a day has gone by when I haven't thought about my health since then. Things are getting better now as the memories fade and the traumatic times and the stress subside into the subconscious.

I'd like to think that this is it. No more for me thank you. But that isn't the case and I'll soon be back for either an operation or flexible cystoscopy to see how I am getting on. Not having the Treatment has been good and whilst I still get tired, it is nowhere near as bad as before. Now I can control it and go home early or fall asleep on the train. You adapt and move on.

There are other health issues but they are just things that getting old throws at you. I can't say I feel 100% fit but neither am I needing constant supervision and running to the doctors.

Things are OK at the moment. The collateral damage is limited to my immediate family and most of my spooked friends are back and able to talk to me. The job is good but not stretching and whilst it was the right thing to do last year, I wonder how long I can live within my capabilities and within the scope of my ambition?

So - life is rosy really, I don't have the dreaded Bladder Cancer - haven't really for getting close to 2 years and 9 months I guess. I'm feeling good and in reasonable health, I have a job that I like, that I am good at (although it doesn't challenge me), the kids are OK and my holiday is coming up soon. All in all - that is so much better than I guessed my outlook was just three years ago. I didn't realise exactly what I had at that time but I knew it was serious. Within a week it was dawning on me what I had and within three weeks I was diagnosed. A few days after that, I had the operation and my roller coaster journey really got going.

Have I changed? You better believe it I have. Goodness, what a difference in my outlook, the way I take care of myself, the way I treat other people and the way I see my life from now on. Apart from the quite strange "certainty" that goes with what I say and do now and how I talk to people, most of that I am comfortable with. I find my brain sharp as ever now in analysing business problems and coming up with plans etc. But the flip side is losing some of my well-organised side - it is as if the ordered side of my brain has surrendered that so that I can be more creative.

I am off out soon for lunch and hopefully will be able to just forget about everything.

Eve of the 3rd Anniversary

Crikey - we have been having a heatwave and I've not felt like doing much and the fatigue that this hot and humid weather - in a country that doesn't really have A/C is getting to me. Home early as I was so tired today and I am off out. Have been out every day and night this week and that goes on until Friday night.

Saturday - my birthday - Independence Day - will be one of flaking out and resting I reckon. People in my place are just plain crazy and still wearing suits and ties!

It appears that this other job may after all be a stitch up and someone has already been chosen. I think though, that the lack of correspondence and feedback is pretty bad. I know they have read my messages but even now they don't respond. I will be talking to a couple of people about it tonight and Friday and see what the situation is. If it is a stitch up then I imagine things will get a little ugly.

Tomorrow is the 3rd Anniversary of the presentation of my symptoms. Not official diagnosis day. However, it is a significant milestone for me and I am out at a lunch (how hot is THAT going to be I wonder? I shall be thinking about the onset of this which happened about 5 pm that day as I recall.

Still no news from the Hospital and I am happy enough to go on Holiday and then come back for whatever they are going to do to me. Whether it is a GA full biopsies or a peek and a poke.

I feel fine if not very tired and still somewhat overweight although if the weather carries on like this I will probably lose loads as I hardly eat in this sort of temperatures or what I do eat is normally salad.

I'd better go and get ready! A suit in this weather - what am I thinking!!

Paint Ball

Well - what can I say - we enjoyed our day but the temperature was in the high 27 C and humidity about 50% and so I struggled. All these youngsters off running around and shooting me :-)

However, the good thing was that we had a really great day out and even I enjoyed myself. I had some worry though as I felt some chest and arm twinges. I think I will take myself off to the Doc and see what he says about those. I've had these minor aches before but this felt a bit strange. It wore off after 3 or 4 minutes but even so - if it was just that I am unfit or something more to worry about I ought to get it checked out I suppose.

A great day - now off to have a shower and try and sleep in high humidity and high temperatures. we don't do A/C in our houses much in the UK - we do in our cars (which WAS a welcome relief) and so it could be a muggy night.

Damn cold

Has kept me off work - I was going in but when I woke up I felt pretty dreadful and don't feel a bundle of joy and charm right now.

What with the strange text messages I was getting, it came clear and as a bit of a shock to see that MJ had died. All that money and fame can't help you when the time comes can it?

We are getting very close now to my 3rd Anniversary which will be next Thursday 2nd July. It was three years ago that the symptoms really presented themselves. Having said that there were a few minor warning signs before then but, it was the 2nd July that all hell broke loose and this journey really kicked off.

I think that I will have to do a reflective either that day or shortly afterwards to explain what the last three years have actually meant and the journey to where I am now. This year I will be out for a meal during the day and so I may spend a bit of time having a few beers afterwards. Don't know about that yet...

If at first you don't suceed

Use alcohol and plenty of it.

Not sure if it actually has done the trick but came home early and had a couple of beers and feel a lot better. I could have done without the sneezing though.

I should be OK again in the morning and I am really hoping that the weekend goes well. I have never been paint balling but everyone tells me it is a good day out. I hope so.

It had better not be Swine Flu

I got up this morning and didn't feel great - then I got a cramp which really started off my day nicely :-)

I had to do my presentation which went down very well apparently and on the way back I wasn't feeling great. I got home, got changed and still don't feel really chipper. I've got very mild Flu symptoms so off to bed early and some lemsip and hopefully I'll be good in the morning. I don't need another dose of what I had at Christmas.

We are meant to be off paint balling on Saturday and so I hope that I am alright for that.

Let's see what a night's rest will do for me. Typical - I bet it was the sniffling woman who sat next to me on Monday on the train!

Getting on with life

Is sort of OK. It seems to be more normal to manage to last the whole week even though I am still tired and to get along without too much to worry about. There really is little to remind me that I was ill apart from I'm still somewhat overweight and the tiredness of course.

Tomorrow we are off to Slough for the AGM of the charity which will be nice as I am being driven there and back. As usual this afternoon was chaos making sure everything was there and that our speeches were all OK. I thought it was quite funny and my speech got altered again today and not by me and I'm delivering it :-) Oh well. It should be fun.

Looking forward to having an acting part as last time I was just the admin clerk.

At least I'll get a few extra hours in bed in the morning.

Father's Day

I don't need too much of an excuse to sit on my butt for most of the day. Today there was the F1 Grand Prix and it was Father's Day so a good enough reason. Some beers, watching the Grand Prix and falling asleep afterwards :-)

It's the European Athletics, US Golf and 20/20 cricket all going on there are plenty of distractions. I've been doing some more background work on the potential new job. Working on my pitch and making sure that I have all the requirements lined up and an answer to each of the role and candidate sections. The more I think about it - the more I like the idea of this job. The challenge alone makes it worth going for. To actually get the job would be really interesting and might make a few eyebrows rise. In fact, that would be a bonus in its own right to see what the reaction would be.

Deadline

The job deadline was Friday evening and I am hoping that I will at least get a chance to meet the team and have an interview. Of those who I know are also going for the job, I'm by far the youngest and also the one with the most recent and relevant business experience.

I suppose I ought to try and keep a level head. Id really enjoy the job and it would be something I could really get to grips with. It would fulfil an ambition long held and would really stretch me. I have tried to do the 9 to 5 that everyone recommends but it can get a bit boring.

Oh well, let's see what happens.

The Phoney War

It was called when troops sat out opposing each other for months on end whilst nothing actually happened.

Here I am, 6 months since the last invasive procedure and about 5 months since I was told I needed treatment and 4 months since I was told I didn't need treatment!

Gradually, life has returned to "normal". It isn't exactly "normal" yet as I still don't think that my family have come to terms with the fact I lived and I probably cannot get used to their subtle but very noticeable reaction to me. It isn't bad as such but I can't say things have returned to normal that way I still feel very different to the way I was and I'm sure that as my attitude has changed so the ability to adapt to my "take on life" must have changed massively.

I'm neither fish nor fowl at the moment. Neither ill or cured, neither well or not well. In limbo. I am making the most of being well though and that is the great thing.

We went out for a curry night this evening. We all had a great time and I have to say, the company was great and the food was excellent and suddenly, life is really worth living and your friends just grow more on you every time you hold an event like this. I hope we can fit in a few more this year - it really was an enjoyable evening.

Longer between posts

Means I am a busy chap and also that I have been concentrating on other stuff too.

It is interesting that I still haven't heard from the Hospital. I won't be forcing the issue until I get back from my holiday and the tickets arrived yesterday which has got me excited. L has finished school and gets ready for her 4 week expedition to Argentina. A is set to go to Rome and Venice.

I'm working out, after 19 years of not having exclusive access to Mrs. F. quite what we are going to talk about for 2 weeks.

The closing date for the "other job" was extended to tomorrow. I won't hear much until next week I guess. I am on parade on Wednesday delivering one of the key speeches at our Annual General Meeting. It is quite an interesting one too all about our new Mission Statement and the new ways we are tackling child poverty. The slide deck I have produced looks good and I hope with a bit more effort tomorrow it will be really polished.

Tomorrow night we have our curry night. Lots of us. My Nephew is driving over from Luxembourg to be with us and so I am looking forward to a good evening out and then it is the British Grand Prix over the weekend plus the golf and all sorts going on. I have a lot of computer based work to get through as well this weekend.

I feel well, I feel fit and I'm hoping that I get an opportunity of this job. It would be a lot more than I am doing now but it would just be so enjoyable too. I'm also beginning to wonder if I might get a flexible cystoscopy this time given the fact that I have had no treatment and they only had the slightest issue with the cells last time?

Life after Cancer

It may seem strange but I get a feeling that those of us who have gone through the stages and are blessed with clear pathology have worked out that you can now get on with life. The threat which isn't really far from removed, is nonetheless, a threat now and coming to terms with the chronic side of our diagnosis means that we are mindful and wary but must get on with our daily lives. It is an unfortunate fact that we probably still have to work and go through the day - to day existence to make a living and that having lived through the yukky bit we now need to move on.

I never thought I'd say it but I am back to an almost normals state of existence but with a few very keen extras to my persona added on. "No one died" is my mantra these days. Today, some trivial, minutiae transpired at work and frankly all that was needed was to bang a few heads together. "no one died" - they look at me funny when I say it :-)

Life is as back to normal now as I can make it. There are still hurdles to get through and things to be overcome but watch out life, here I come again.....

Tiredness

I have noticed that I am getting better at managing being tired and it is possible for me to snatch some sleep on the train into and out of work. Just enough to charge my batteries. I also grab a few moments at home if I can. I still get tired, the exertions of the weekend really did take it out of me. I am out at least two nights this week as well and I have yet to hear what the arrangements are for this job I applied for as I notice that the date has been extended to this Friday when originally it was last Friday.

It is an interesting job to go for and it will be interesting to see what process they go through from here. I'm not certain whether they will want someone of my particular skill set but I see advantages in me having quite rare skills to bring to the party.

I must arrange for my biopsies as well during the summer when all is quiet at work. Almost everything is finished and next week we have the AGM which sort of closes down our season's efforts.

Still feeling good and getting on with things. Wondering whether they have forgotten me :-)

Off again in a few minutes

I got a call last night and I'm off out for a few beers at lunchtime with an old friend of mine. He is a member of one of my Lodges and lives alone so it is nice for him to get out and bend my ear about everything from cricket to politics. It is a lovely day here today so perhaps we can sit in the beer garden or some such thing.

Yesterday was a long and enjoyable day and looking back on it, as always, if you prepare yourself you can cover off most problems. There will still a few but the team coped well (they were mainly new) and I hope that it bodes well for the future of the Lodge. The chap that I may work for was there and as is only to be expected was in deep conversation with the members and so I only managed to say a few words to him and we gave a nod that sort of noted that my CV was in with him and he had seen it. It was a sort of audition and I hope I passed.

Almost done

Ready for tomorrow

It is always a nightmare as odd things happen and those odd things are exasperated because there suddenly appear many problems out of nowhere.

For example, there are three extra people to dine tomorrow but the guy who does the dining isn't back until late tonight and nothing can be done about that. Somehow we have to work it out on the day. That is one thing. Now what will happen is that maybe three or four people will fall out or realise they weren't booked in and all hell breaks lose but you just cannot plan or mitigate for this. Everyone thinks that it is just their little problem you are dealing with as an isolated incident - the trouble is there are lots of these all arriving in at the same sort of time and it just gives you a headache.

It was to have been my last meeting and I would have been free of all this turmoil. No such chance as I have to do another year and then can get a rest. So another three of these and perhaps then I can rest. My replacement is well known to me and will be able to pick this up without too much difficulty I reckon.

So all day has been knocking out lists and checking and re-checking stuff for tomorrow. I hope that it will all be alright on the night (or day) as the chap that may well be looking to interview me for that "other" job also happens to be at tomorrow's meeting. I need to be on good form as I it will be a public audition by the looks of it.

I need to be on top form then. No pressure there :-)

As for health - I am still feeling good and more interested in keeping my weight down than thinking about good old BC at the moment. I suppose you have to get try and think "normally" and I have done so much this week that it really has taken my mind off of things.

It has been a busy week

I have hardly had time to draw breath and spent most of the week out and working late and in meetings. Tomorrow (or later today) I am at home and working here ready for my final major Lodge meeting of the season. I will be glad when it is over it is a nightmare at the moment. Especially as hardly anyone is turning up and there are just so many gaps in the officers. So I imagine tomorrow will be busy.

It is the final day for submitting interest in this other job. I am thinking a lot about it and whether or not it is the right thing to do. I would dearly love the job and the chap who I'd work for is actually going to be at my meeting on Saturday.

Still no news of the biopsies - have they forgotten or what? Do I call or just put it back if it arrives. My holiday is now about 5 weeks away and I am going to get into holiday mode after this weekend I feel. I'm hopeful to hear something on the job front next week and I need to consider quite what steps I need to take to get into shape for the holiday. I must get my walking levels up even though I must do three or so miles a day now - I reckon that I should be trying to get a few 5 or 10 mile ones in if I am to do justice to all these wonderful cities we are going to visit.

Health wise - I continue to feel well if a little tired still. The fatigue kicks in often but it isn't debilitating like it used to be. I can get on a train - like tonight - and almost pass out listening to my music. I had a few minutes in my chair tonight as well. At least I get a lie on tomorrow. No more worrying spots of whatever it was and despite most things I am feeling well and fit. My brain is beginning to sharpen back to a point where I am beginning to be instantaneous with my wit now. Before I had to work at it. I wonder whether General Anaesthetic and the BCG has finally worn off?

Tired

Oh boy I am sooooo tired again. Today was my committee day and all went well and I got everything passed which was just great.

Then I had to meet a colleague and after getting home at the crack of goodness knows when last night (did I mention the bus!) I got 4 hours sleep and went careering headlong onto my meeting.

I am just home again now at 11 or so and I must get to bed and get to sleep.

All is well and work was OK but, in reality, the problems are only just starting to mount as things take on their new perspective. the potential new boss is around on Saturday - I need to be on best behaviour.

Bye for now!

Another health adventure

I had sciatica or whatever on Sunday which faded away. Waking this morning my old friend cramp got me in the other leg and I've been hobbling around. I just got another twinge in my calf muscle (and it is still twinging along). I wonder if my body is trying to tell me something?

I feel as well recently as I ever have and yet my body is conspiring to remind me that perhaps something isn't quite right. Work was - well a little boring today as I've actually done most things and got them ready and they are finished. The summer recess is coming and after this Wednesday the whole place goes quiet for 3 months or so.

Luckily I will be out with some friends tomorrow afternoon and evening and so I am looking forward to that to break the boredom.

Nothing else to worry about - keeping my eye open for tell tale signs of blood in my urine but it must just have been a bit of thread or cotton or something.

Still no word on the operation and the biopsies. Maybe that isn't such a bad thing if I am going for this other job.

Seems OK now.

It seems that it was all a false alarm and I'm not being complacent, I'll still be keeping my eyes open. It is amazing how quickly the fear of having a recurrence grips you and it isn't nice. I'd be pretty upset if that was to happen but I think I'd just have to be pragmatic about it.

I ended up this morning with what felt like a trapped nerve and could hardly walk or work. After a few hours - cold pack, ibuprofen and some volterol and things came back to manageable. I don't know if I slept strangely - perhaps I did.

I hope to hear this week about this other job I have applied for. I'd really like the job but I can see that there may be others better qualified to get it. It would be the challenge that I need to move on as I think I have moved on now. Gone is the need for a protective environment and I think I just need to take on a bit more responsibility.

Still no news on the Cystoscopy - there is always the next day or two or else it will be too late and it will have to wait until after my holiday - I don't fancy trying to do 5 cities in 6 days with a bladder that is wounded and needing to keep dashing to the toilet :-)

Paranoia

I thought I saw something in my urine last night. I've been cautiously sitting down to go ever since and checking. Perhaps it was nothing. I am reminded that it is not far away from the anniversary of the presentation of my cancer. It started about now with a tiny show of blood in my urine and then went away. It was 2nd July 3 years ago (3 years - crumbs it doesn't seem like that) that it all kicked off in a big way.

3 Years and I've come along way since then. I can't be sure what last night's little thing was as, strangely enough, it could well have been a bit of fluff or bit of cotton thread and as I happened to be wearing red -perhaps it is that.

The trouble is you never seem to get away from these little worries and little scares. The thing is that it is a worry and must stay at the back of your mind. Lately, I have been doing really well and almost forgetting that I ever had BC or indeed that I am still being observed for it. In a way long may that continue.

I wonder if you ever really forget that you ever had this. I guess you must have the memory fade it out but it will always be there somewhere. I'm sort of worried and a little frightened too that it might come back. I don't know in what form and how I'd be able to take it if it did. It is probably best to just cross that road when you come to it but it is a niggle nonetheless.

The Smell of Cigarettes

Severely does my head in these days and somehow my clothes came home on Wednesday night stinking of smoke. Which is strange as I wasn't anywhere near anyone smoking all night. Perhaps it is because I haven't worn that suit in about 4 or more years? Strange. Then tonight I can smell smoke once again.

I can smell it now and whilst I knew people were going outside to smoke, it just seems to be lingering on or near me. Yuk

I used to smoke years ago and really dislike the smell of cigarettes. Cigars I can kind of live with but this smell of smoke on my clothes really is quite horrible as it churns me up. I think with aversion techniques and knowing what it did to me doesn't help...

Ho hum and still no letter. However a great night out at this Surrey Lodge. They sure know how to throw an evening meal - it was excellent.

Sheepish Grins

There were some sore looking heads and bloodshot eyes there this morning. Strange woman didn't appear - I think I may have had some explaining to do if she had!

What a bizarre evening.

Onto the more mundane matters of where my appointment for my Cystoscopy is? So far, not a word and I'm wondering whether I should again take the initiative and drop them a line to remind them. I was sort of hoping that they would have let me know by now so I could plan things out. If it gets too late I will just have to postpone until after the holiday.

Feeling quite tired today and I have another heavy day tomorrow as I am off to Surbiton in the afternoon for a Lodge meeting. It is a bit of a drag but the food is always good there and it will set up the weekend nicely.

That WAS interesting

I am a compulsive people watcher and I love seeing people at their best and at their worst. Tonight was great. I enjoyed myself as I did my duty and worked hard to make sure that everyone who turned up, that I met, enjoyed their evening. I was host and escort and usher.

Afterwards, many were, well, enjoying the freedom that alcohol tends to bring. I was having a drink but certainly not anywhere near dropping off the radar and into the interesting area. I really do enjoy watching people when they are loosened up and can say anything they want. It was so interesting I stayed far too long and "encouraged" many to perhaps say too much or regret their involvement in the morning. I am going to enjoy meeting up with the people I was with this evening and see if they can remember any of the things they said to me.

I was discussing the merits of two people not smoking and they had been off for a few days and weeks and were trying to start again. I was SO surprised when they looked at me as if I should be dead when I told them why I stayed off the fags....

Just an interesting evening and if I must enjoy people watching I must also learn not to "bait" them as mercilessly as I did. After all with that much drink inside them, I am surprised they could think straight let alone actually talk!

Also adding a by - the - by here to see if anything comes of the young lady hanging off my arm for 30 minutes telling me how much of a Gentleman I was and how I had been very kind and considerate. Frankly it was a little embarrassing but there you go - funny nonetheless :-)

The deed is done

I sent off my CV and carefully crafted letter this evening and then dropped a note to the boss to let him know that my name is in the frame. I'm not certain whether they will go for me or not. I think I can really deliver on the job.

Of course not everyone would take that view as I might be a bit young for the job at the tender age of 52!

Tomorrow I get to do some volunteer work at Grand Lodge when the Duke of Kent comes in to give out cheques to a number of charities in the public eye to celebrate his being 40 years as Most Worshipful Grand Master. It will be a nice do and I am looking forward to doing some active work after being sat on my bum of r weeks knocking out the annual review. Which looks good I have now decided. Mind you someone is going to get a thick ear as they didn't even mention that just some anally retentive comment about one word in the whole document. Bloody jobsworth :-)

Best get off to bed now as a big day tomorrow.

Oh dear

It always happens - I just seem to attract late nights.

today has been good - I finally got sign off of my Annual Review (version 16!!!). I went to a meeting and have just got home!

Was out at a festival of music yesterday then off to a friend's wedding reception and so I am getting quite tired by now.

Wednesday HRH the Duke of Kent is attending Grand Lodge and I am working as a steward that night - looking forward to that. Still not absolutely sure about this new job but feel that I ought to toss my hat into the ring anyway.

No news from the Hospital. It should be imminent - in a way anything after the weekend of the 13th June is cool for me. But that week is the best and no later as it may affect my holiday and I don't fancy that.

I really could do with working out some sort of strategy to cope with the next few months but there are so many things happening that I'm not absolutely certain what is going on. I may just have to grip on and go for the ride.

Getting there

I got into work on Friday and I knew it was going to be a long old day. The Annual Review got from version 12 to 14 in one day! I had a few "grumps" about it as every time you change on thing it tends to impact another. It just never gets finished. Trying to explain that to them though is difficult.

I then went on to have a meeting with some of our team to reassure them that things were happening and that we were making some progress. Unfortunately they have done their piece of work and we cannot get them involved again until we get the next stage started. It is all a bit fraught at the moment as it also impacts on what I want to do. As circumstances would have it, I got a call from young Flocky Bicep and after I had had a few drinks in London, I made my way past packed pubs full of people spilling out into the street, to the station, hopped on a bus and ended up at one of my local pubs with Flocky and another mate of mine. We had some very pleasant beer, some seafood (I know but can it hurt once in a while) and so we ended up talking about everything and nothing all night and left on last bell.

I am pretty much convinced that I ought to apply for that other job if for no other reason than it was implied that I should :-) if that makes any sort of sense?

It would be a brilliant job to have but is a complete immersion in the day-to-day activities in Freemasonry and as such is a high profile job and comes with certain commitments to fulfil.

I see in reality that it is me not willing to commit. In a way I can understand that and in a way I can begin to see that perhaps I actually do need to do this. The money is OK for the job as opposed to where I am now which feeds and clothes us but that is all. It is still a lovely job to have but in my heart of hearts I'm not the right person it is all a bit round pegs and square holes or vice versa.

It is a beautiful and it beckons a lazy day in the garden and the opportunity to sit down and think about this job...

Long Hard Day

Very rewarding though as I had to run a workshop and on top of that I got very little sleep last night as I was psyched up for today and also about the opportunity of this possible job.

Anyway, it went well but I was absolutely wiped out after that and so came home a little earlier.

All in all a good day and I felt at last that I was back to my old useful self as everyone enjoyed the day. I have to say that I was really buzzing and feel good about myself and what I achieved.

Things are good (ish). This job that has come up is causing me to rethink things. It throws other things into a bit of confusion. The new venture "could" take off and if it does, it would be great to be involved and perhaps make a few bob doing that. If I should get this other job then I'd have a real dilemma on my hands it is very high profile.

I am still having thoughts about whether to apply or not because of the quandary it would put me in if I did get the job and then the other thing kicked off.

I suppose that it is a nice problem to have.

Health is fine, I'm feeling like I am losing weight nice and slowly, I feel fit and until I wrote this had almost forgotten that I am due in within the next couple of weeks. I wonder where the letter has got to?

Oh Blast it

I've been whining on about my job haven't I and another job that is related has come up which is a big jump in pay (no bad thing) and authority and seniority and all that good stuff. Same sort of organisation but not the charity side and it was a strange moment today.

I was handed it by someone who casually gave it to me. Now I work with, and have lots of time for him. he is also in aforesaid other organisation and high up the pecking order there.

So, it kind of says "you really ought to be applying for this job". Now the spook is that as I walked past their offices, knowing that the job may be available, I wondered why no one had approached me to do it. Well today I got my answer. They didn't say anything but why hand me the advert directly if you didn't want me to apply for it.

It is a wonderful job, a great opportunity and I think that I will have to go for it. It is just too good to miss but more than that - it would actually cover the bills and so far I cannot say that what I do at the moment does that to any great extent.

But - and there is always a but - I would feel terrible about leaving the guys I am with now. However, I don't see why I couldn't come and offer my expertise and perhaps even join the Trustees or some such if I was allowed to.

Long day and an interesting conversation

Yet again a friend of mine was exploring the strange world of the cancer survivor with me. I was trying to explain the feelings but you really do need to have "experienced it" to get the full flavour of the emotions.

A bit like the Matrix. No one can tell you what it is, you have to experience it for yourself - which - I wish on no one - ever - even my worst enemy. The sooner we sort out curing it, the better it will be.

Loose Trousers - at last

I'm starting to see some improvement in the size of my waist and my weight is becoming to slowly and surely come down. Nothing dramatic, just steady progress. I'm 5 Kilo (about 11 pounds) lighter than I was when I went to the GPs some 5 or 6 weeks ago. So it is about 1 or 2 pounds per week coming off which is pleasing. If I can keep that going for another 8 weeks I will be pleased.

Today has been about booking my trip in St. Petersburg (Russia) and working out the details, costs and all that. It hasn't been easy but we finally made up our minds and have gone with one that is challenging physically but we have decided not to go out on the first evening as we will have done close to 12 hours touring with just a 30 minute lunch stop. The next day would also be around 10 hours. SO to go out for a show or to the ballet may just wipe us out. We also realised that we would already have been going for 3 days before the 2 in St. Petersburg and still have Tallinn to hit the day after we leave. So a total of 6 days in 5 cities - at least I won't have an excuse to put on weight as we will be walking around each city rather than sitting on coaches like we were a few years back.

In a way I am looking forward having a busy time and getting out and about. I'm sure my feet wont feel they belong to me by the time we are finished.

Feeling a lot better than I have for a while, less tired today and a day off tomorrow will make things better. I had Friday off - even though I was doing some work at the time.

I can spend tomorrow catching up with loads of odds and ends now that I have the holiday tours booked and sorted and under control.

Nice to be home

I'm dog tired. It is good to be sat at home without that train journey. I will have another 2 weeks of utter chaos going on and then things should settle down. Famous last words!

The diary is ready, the annual review is in its last draft today, I have an article for the quarterly paper to be out by next Friday and a further article for one of the Provinces.

The next thing will be getting information out to each Province for the Annual Books! That will be fun. One more committee meeting and we can then get a break.

8 weeks to go until my holiday!! Excellent - I can't even begin to tell you how much I am looking forward to that.

Today and the weekend are all about getting the stuff packed and sent out for the next big Lodge meeting.

Looking forward to my day "off"

Tomorrow I get a day off. I need that as I have just got in at 23:10!!! It has been another long old day in the office and then I had my "other" business meeting and a few drinks too.

I met up with a friend and he was telling me how much he admired my courage fighting the big C. As usual, as you do, I explained that it was nothing (a massive understatement) and that it was what you "had to do". He was with me shortly after I returned from Yorkshire with the first symptoms and remembers sitting with me in the local pub garden as I suddenly took up smoking again after having given up some long time before and also how I drank far too much and was extremely worried.

I leaned on my friends so much that night but it was then that another friend suggested that I tell people rather than keep it locked up to myself.

I am looking forward to a rest and the Monaco Grand Prix which, once again, I have missed attending. One day I will go to this event. I will however enjoy watching it on Sunday. Many years ago I actually walked the circuit. Believe me, you would be hard pressed to believe that a saloon car could make it around, let alone an F1 going 100s of miles an hour!

Watching is OK :-)

Confidence

I was out tonight accepting a cheque on behalf of the charity and talking about the charity too.

I am pleasantly surprised that I can get up and do an after dinner speech at the drop of a hat these days. I already had some words prepared for a talk after dinner but I am really warming to thinking on my feet. the odd little joke thrown in too.

I actually think that whilst I was pretty good a raconteur before, I really am a lot better these days and I don't really get phased by the occasion. I think I have been around long enough that (in fact) people are a little scared of me even though I don't want them to be. I think surviving also gives you a sort of "so what" look at the world but also, it helps when I speak about the charity because I can tell you what it is like to have some of the problems people face first hand.

Anyway, I am home - a bit tired now after 2 nights on the trot out. One more tomorrow and then I can have Friday off - well not off as such - more like I will work at home.

My GP

Doesn't realise that my tablets come in two different amounts. One is packaged in 56s the other in 60s. It shakes itself out every now and then but they reckon we are too early to renew as we have two weeks supply left of them. When explained they changed their tune to we shouldn't have asked so early, then that they needed 4 days. When we pointed out last time we left it for four days they wanted tests and it took close to four weeks to get those arranged.

Me? I'm happy to miss them out and then write to the Doc and ask him if it is OK to miss the medication like this? Perhaps they do it for some other reason. Maybe to P*ss me off.

I have to say the office saw a bit of the "Mr. Angry" today when I got the revisions of my work back to find that they had corrected almost back to the original and had also gone back on the design concept agreed. Old habits dies hard and these people need to keep fiddling around with stuff - there isn't a pragmatic one amongst them. So I grudgingly put it all back the way it was.

It is a little better than last years which went to about revision 18. I am only at revision 8. The longer they do this the nearer the deadline gets and I have 250,000 of these to be printed and sent out!!!

I am now very conscious of how close everything is getting and the complete lack of time I have to fit things in. If I have to go to Hospital before I go on Holiday then I will need to try and arrange things for a few weeks time. However, I haven't seen anything as of yet. Do I call or mail?

Anyway, I am off out to meet my school chums tonight and so hope that I will think about what the best course is over a nice beer (that's the warm British stuff!!) :-)

That's the diet blown but that is OK - I have started to loose a little weight. it is gradual and I'm just eating less of everything and making sure that I have a good balance of everything. Minimum 5 a day fruit and veg and I've cut right back on Coffee and sugars etc. I'm still tired but I should be used to that by now. I'm taking Friday off as I know I will have had enough this week!

It was nice today

To come home and not have to go out on a Monday night. From September to May I go out every Monday night and I am pretty pleased, I have to say, that I'm home tonight.

The last 4 days have been busy - they always are in May as the season closes down and the Masonic summer recess begins. It is crazy at work and in Lodges around the country. We get inundated with things to do.

I'm beginning to get myself ready for my own date with destiny and my next operation as that is due in June - and should be in a couple of weeks time. I don't want to ring them but maybe I ought to because I don't want it anywhere near my holiday as I need to be fit for that.

Sometimes you think you are hard done by

Tonight I listened to a story that really upset me. It isn't that the story is one that you haven't heard before but it is one where drugs and alcohol have played their part and now, when this guy needs some stability and has managed to stabilise the frenetic spiral of drug and alcohol abuse. The thing that stabilised him may be removed.

What surprised me is how "uncharitable" people are in this particular circumstance. Please, please, someone befriend this guy and help him through the difficult times but the charity is going to have to pull the plug and his old friends have deserted him. As I alluded to yesterday - I now have the problem that I can't give huge tracts of time - I don't know him, it would take me 2 hours travelling each way to go and see him and yet those near and local are showing prejudice against him. Instead of helping, they are contributing to his downfall and continued decline. That is so anti everything I stand for.


Unfortunately I don't have the time to help and that is what really annoys me. His "friends" have abandoned him just when he needs them to be strong for him.

I hope that none of my friends ever needs that level of support. On the other hand, if they ever did, I hope that I would be the person who would stand by them and try and turn their downward passage.

Thoughts on my future

I enjoy my life at the moment apart from the concerns about the job becoming too easy again. It gets like that as I near the end of the Masonic season, things like the annual review and diary (for which I am responsible) are almost completed. The new flyer is almost done. I have some projects to get working and yet they aren't going to take all my effort.

I get on fine with everyone, I help everyone out as I have years of experience with all sorts of office automation and I get things done. It is a job like most people do I suppose. Turn up do your 9 to 5 and get paid. That is not what I do and never have just made up the numbers. I need to have the buzz and stress to get me going and delivering my best. This doesn't have that. If I said that it needs another 2 weeks to do something, then I'll get another 2 weeks - no negotiation or anything. Deadlines are always achieved. A panic somewhere in the office is - invariably - no such thing and I can sort it out for someone.

I don't know, I should be happy that I have a job in the current climate. I should be happy that they think highly of me but surely there must be something else to get my attention. Maybe, just maybe, the job has got me through the bit where I needed stability and now that BC is taking a back seat I find that I am hankering for the lively days.

Philanthropy

I feel a blog in my water (bladder cancer joke alert!!).

No really - I do feel that I've become in act and deed, a charitable person. However, there are some serious problems associated with that attitude:

1. Money (salary) is 80% less than I used to get
2. I can't help everyone (a problem I haven't been able to address yet)
3. Use my expertise but I find the job a bit less than riveting stuff now I have sorted things out.

I like to try and return things to society. After all I am here on borrowed time. I really could do with sitting down and talking with a few friends about this though.

Something in my mind is stopping me getting too involved. I don't fancy getting hurt in as much as doing something for the beneficiary to fail whatever I do is hard work. Also, I have my own life to lead. My own "problems" to solve etc. If I go off looking after others what are my family going to think / do?

Another problem for another day - too difficult to answer right now!

Puny and Powerless

I had a lovely day today. My Annual review is great - it looks fab and is the Dogs Testicles :-) I went to my Lodge meeting - the funny one with the bright coloured pinnies. We had a lovely evening but, I had a call.

That call was about a lapsed brother who had really fallen on terribly hard times and something needed to be done. Financially, I can arrange something but emotionally and committing my time? Hesitation. You see, I do so much with my time that I wondered how could I commit more than I already have? I work most days. I tend to be "sort of" working when I go to Masonic meetings and when I am out. To actually support someone is an even bigger commitment on my time and this person has really deep alcohol and other mental problems.

I'm actually not that well equipped for that. I think I can talk to anyone about anything but an alcoholic is difficult as I'd feel so betrayed if they didn't commit themselves. I know I couldn't walk away and just get more involved.

At the end of the day, I have family and household to look after and then it really struck me.

What a puny little insignificant person I am. I have enough trouble keeping my own head together and keeping my family fed to then use spare time on what many people would dismiss as a lost cause or a waste of time. I don't see it like that but, in reality, it probably is.

It is difficult to explain really. I should be generous and charitable but I could only afford time for the one person. In my job I support 1700 + beneficiaries and about 30 staff so the one person shouldn't be so bad but it would take time and I haven't got that.

I now realise that I can't Shape the World or do much else. If I assisted this one case - which I intend to try and do- it may backfire on me. If it got to a point of choosing - which way would I jump? Should I be charitable to all or am I allowed a private life? Do I deserve it and am I helping or not.

Let's get away from how these people end up the way they do. Do I lose what I have to tackle poverty and uncertainty,, only to find that everything else I hold or held dear may disappear through trying to do good deeds?

Best News I've Heard

for ages was that Steve has the 1 year clear. What a relief for him and his family and friends. I felt more relieved than when I had mine...

This is excellent news and should add weight to the fact that it may be a pretty nasty thing but it can be treated most successfully. There are a number of us who can say that now. Keep the faith and do the right things, trust your medical team, look after yourself and above all keep a positive attitude.

I was so pleased when I got in to see Steve's e-mail arrive in my inbox and it just means that he can now go off and celebrate and perhaps relax a little having the summer off.

That was nice news to come home to late at night here.

Well done Steve.

Steve' Big Day

Steve over in the USA is going to have his cystoscopy later today and that - together with some scans taken last Friday will determine what the next course of action is.

Almost a year to the day - this is one of those major milestones in the treatment of this particular disease which if passed means that treatment continues in a maintenance mode and recurrence of the cancer starts to recede. I'm 2 years in and about to go for my 2 year check. Again, if I am clear then recurrence becomes less likely (but doesn't go away entirely).

The odds just get better each time you go for these. So if you pray (or even if you don't - keep in your thoughts) do so for Steve and a favourable outcome. His blog is a really useful piece of work for anyone suffering from bladder cancer and I cannot recommend it to you highly enough HERE.

SO nothing more about me today - I'll be raising a glass to Steve later this afternoon hopefully around the time he will be being seen (in more ways than one by his Consultant). Wishing Steve all the best and a weekend off celebrating and relaxing.

What a day again

I was full on today until about 4 pm and then - I'd completed what I needed to do and that was it. I'm not out tonight with my mates as that is deferred for a week and so I am sat at home trying to catch up on various things. I could have done with going out for a beer and whinging about the never ending tweaking that people like to do to my documents. "It will never get better if you keep picking it" comes to mind sometimes..

My DJ and Tuxedo have arrived - I suppose I ought to go and try those on and make sure they fit.

I suddenly realised I have next to no time at all until I am meant to be in Hospital and I've not heard anything. Maybe I ought to warn them that I wont be around if they want to do it in July!

So where has all the deep and meaningful stuff gone

Where has all the insight and the what's it like to have cancer stuff gone from this blog?

I suppose that I don't think about it as much and gradually I am used to spending longer periods of time not thinking about what might or might not happen. I can't say I have control back as I don't and I feel pretty tired still but all of this is manageable. I'm fit although I'd like to be fitter. I am alive, I am existing and today I thought, for the first time for a long time, a little bit sorry for myself. Just a little. You see Steve is about to have his check and apart from urinating fire for 24 hours afterwards, he also had to have a CT scan with an IV Iodine trace. I have never had to have one but I thought about it as I had an IVU X-Ray (similar) and really really really hated every minute of it. It isn't the same thing but I can't even begin to tell you how bad I felt and I was almost close to tears. I was walking to work, headphones on and all on my own and shook myself out of it. The backs of my hand where the cannula tends to go started aching and it all came back to me. Perhaps because of the news I heard over the weekend too about this guy that I know.

Generally, I don't get this and I was fine for the rest of the day. These little flashbacks do tend to bring back to me how much I went through and there is a fear of having to go back and do it all again. Imagine, if you will, that my fear is actually finding out that I need to repeat everything I have been through before. Right now, I'd find that hard. indeed, very hard to cope with. I'd do it of course but to know what I'd have to go through, rather than not knowing makes it different. I must say I am not looking forward to June and the next Operation. I will however, make it known how badly I felt I was looked after in December and ask that I be put on the proper ward this time rather than God's Waiting Room...

I was feeling the other day that it might be difficult for people to get their head around why I am like I am and yet it takes just a few moments to make me quite serious too. Someone noted that i hadn't been providing the Joke du Jour for many days. I need to re-establish the liveliness of the office again.. Tomorrow I shall attempt to do that.

Work

Sometimes you wonder why they employ you and other days - you find out when the project I have been working on for some time started to take shape today and we start to move away from stuffy annual reviews to something much lighter and attractive. Mind you, old habits die hard and it looks as if they still want to write war and peace even though only the hardened few actually read it.

Lots of sneezing everywhere today - Hay Fever not Swine Flu I hasten to add. I'm just about to have my last evening of Lodge of Instruction until September which gives me Mondays free for a while but this week is still chaotic.

Steve goes in for his test later this week and prayers and thought must be with him this week as he comes up to 1 year. I'm certain that things will be alright but I wouldn't blame him for being very nervous - I was pretty bad.

Back to earth

Bump. It happens I suppose? The chap I spoke to last year about September time who told me he was on Chemo for Prostate Cancer and couldn't help when I needed some assistance for a meeting.

I found out on Wednesday that he was due for an operation to take our a Kidney and a Tumour in his Stomach. I found out today that they stopped short on both as the Tumour was too near to a main artery and then they also decided not to take out the Kidney either. He may now have to go on Radio as he has had max. Chemo.

I hope that things will be positive but I have a horrible horrible feeling about this and the way it was expressed. He comes home on Tuesday and so I suppose I will find out more then.

On a more positive note, I find that I am really looking forward to our holiday. I have been sorting out my new DJ and Tuxedo, shirts and stuff as well as our tour of St. Petersburg. It has taken an age to get a specification together and to get what we want to do priced up and then to compare all the possible variants. I suppose that the next thing to "manage" is getting the biopsies done in June and hopefully get a verdict to go onto poke and peeks rather than these full blown operations and general anaesthetics.

Did I say tired?

I went to bed on Friday night, I had already had a snooze on the train, a snooze in my chair and then spent close to 12 hours in bed. I feel fine now but noticeable that I really don't feel up to doing too much today.

It was a busy old week and not going to the Spring Fayre and to the annual Church Service tomorrow are conscious decisions as I don't stop now until Tomorrow week with something or other on every day.

A bit miffed that one of my mob at work has decided to do a full review of my work after I have spent 6 weeks perfecting it and changed everything despite my request to look for obvious typos not content changes. Why can't people leave things alone, I may as well not be employed there if they want to write this stuff themselves. Perhaps I just send it out to them to provide the content and I just collate it - I think that may be a plan and I ask them to write it and I just manage them doing it.

Other than that I need to sit down and do loads of work today and tomorrow to catch up with all the things I missed out recently.

One other thing I need to consider is to actually put by some time for one of my other business interests. I really need to allocate a day a week to do work on it. I think that everyone in the team needs to do this so we can get a move on and make things happen. If we don't the impetus will be lost and the idea disappear back from whence it came. A recession is the right time to bring things like we have to market.

Lots going on. Lots to think about and in between times, it must be getting near to the point when I need to go into Hospital as well. I suppose I need to manage that considering I am going on Holiday in July and I need to be pretty fit by then as I see it being a real physical time walking around the various Baltic capitals and in one case having 6 days on the trot viewing major sites before a 1 day at Sea rest period.

Tiredness goes with the territory

I was out to lunch today and had a good morning and I decided to get home rather than go back to work. So I was home a little earlier than usual. The thing that I notice is that I really do feel tired and whilst I am quite fit, I do find that the full on work I am doing at the moment coupled with the meetings and having to sort out other admin stuff really does make me tired.

I can never quite get it right because right now, after having had about 30 minutes snooze, I am wide awake. Typical.

I have decided to miss out the weekend's activities as if I don't I will never catch up with the work I have piled up.

New Phone

Is a mystery to me and I will have to work out what went wrong between the SIM card transfer. It is as complicated as hell and I thought that, downgrading to a phone that had numbers on it instead of a keyboard and stylus would be easy!

Yea right.

Had a great evening at a Lodge meeting. lovely people but my friend's father just died and much as I wanted him to be able to talk to me, he just couldn't and I feel bad about it. He is a very private person. I've known him for years and still don't actually know his wife's first name!!! But he was hurting and I couldn't do anything to help it at all and I feel very bad about it but if he doesn't feel comfortable talking to me or asking me to do anything then so be it. I did offer and I don't want to impose myself on him. I wouldn't have liked it.

We "Brits" are a funny bunch. We don't do hugs and kisses and back slapping (well youngsters now do) and we really don't do physical contact at all and we aren't particularly good at talking emotions and feelings. I feel a bit liberated as I can talk these sorts of things to close friends at least.

So, I felt kind of useless and that I couldn't help or just listen to this poor guy's grief. Expected or not, it is still your Dad/Father and whilst we all "have to go" it isn't nice and I just felt as impotent as the sort of people who couldn't talk to me about my Cancer. Mind you, I did go and ask and offered whatever I could do. Just words - maybe - but I meant it.

My very close friend gave me a lift home. He is great, he is a Samaritan. If you don't know what they are or what they do then go and look at their web site HERE. He listens to people who haven't got anyone to listen to them and has some major heartbreaking conversations with people who are the lowest ebbs of poverty and distress and generally contemplating suicide or who just don't know what to do next. You can bet there are cancer patients in there and those who are terminal etc.

He and I have known each other for 36 years (or thereabouts) and we are a little remoter now than we have been but are still very good friends and we care about each other a lot. If I go past my school mates, this is my longest and closest friend and we have so much fun and serious time behind us having worked and played together for years. Since the children have grown up a bit we have sort of grown apart a while. I kind of hope that it is transient and we will grow back together a bit more soon.

We see a lot of each other and for 6 months of the year are hardly out of sight for more than a week.

Anyway, I'm just in Awe of this guy as he takes the sort of emotional battering I have been through in the past few years every night and also has a day job. He also works at Christmas with the underprivileged and he can go where I can't. I can't cope with the sorts of suffering these people see as Cancer has just softened me up and worked me over. I tend to go to pieces really easily when I see how desperately bad things can get and I am glad that, there but by the grace of God, I haven't been or will ever be.

So - starting with a new phone and a lovely day out I end up with a tribute to my very good friend K. He is beyond doubt the epitome of all that is good about our society. I still don't give him a hug though :-) Society is lucky to have people like him who draw no salary and give freely of their time to undertake such a service. Kudos.

A long and tiring day

Had a good morning at work, did a lot of bitty work and then on to meet some colleagues. Then on to Provincial Grand Lodge and ran around working like a mad thing for about 4 hours. met up again for beers and a very nice and unusual curry at Masala Zone in Covent Garden.

A quick few shorts in the Lamb and Flag and home. I am tired but not completely wiped out. My shoulder is a lot better. My new mobile phone has arrived all stainless steel and glistening and that is on charge for a good few hours before I sort that out.

I am out again tomorrow evening and all hell is breaking loose at work as we enter the last 24 hours of a 5 year Festival event and none of the figures add up properly!! Doh! I reckon it is just a keying error. I need to spend time looking through hundreds of lines of figures to find it though. Deep Joy!

Glad to see that things progress well for many of my connections and this month is important in many ways.

Still have loads of things to review about getting to St. Petersburg and touring around there. I feel that my brain may just go into full melt down by the end of the week.

Here we go again

Last year, about this time I was about to go in to Hospital for my biopsies which messed up a lot of meetings and things I was doing.

This year, thank goodness, it wont happen this month but goodness me, I will have so much to do and this week is already fully booked. I could be booked out on Saturday and Sunday but, I think I may give those a miss as I have so much other work of my own to do on top of the Charity Work and my Masonic things. In addition we had our business meeting last Thursday and now need to really step up to the plate to get our business plans sorted out.

So a massive amount of work and things to do in the next two weeks and I just hope that I can stay fit enough to maintain the effort. Time will tell.

Generally I feel that the next couple of months are going to be quite important one way or another in terms of what the future brings. My upcoming operation for biopsies will be the first time when no treatment has been performed and so the outcome will be interesting scientifically but obviously holds far reaching implications. I think that I also need to spend at least one day a week on my other business opportunity (perhaps 2).

So one way or another, I'm in for one well of a few weeks.

Planning for our holiday

we spent a long day at home in front of my PC hooked up to the wide screen TV and with another Laptop plugged in doing research for our Baltic Cruise. I have to say I am pretty excited about it. It is pretty daunting too considering that at one point we do 6 days in 5 cities one after the other.

We then went to a friends for a barbecue, the first of the season and whilst it is a pleasant enough weekend with plenty of sun it cannot be called warm in the evenings.

I've still got this shoulder strain giving me grief but other than that and over eating last night, all is well and looking forward to a day off tomorrow for May Day bank holiday. From Tuesday onwards, life gets crazy for a few weeks as I get into a whole round of Masonic visits and events.

Steve is on his countdown for his 1 year check up and no matter how you feel and how well everything goes, you still have apprehension and so thoughts are with him for the next few weeks whilst I am out enjoying myself.