Positivity

It's nice when you speak to people or perhaps it's just text and they say how positive I am and what a good outlook I've got and suddenly I'm just free of all the cr@p that I had to deal with before.  It is amazing how you live with it for a long time and you aren't really certain if your instincts which were telling me that it was all over (for many many years I have to say) were actually right.  I imagine I was in denial and I needed to work it out as I wasn't sure what it was.  

The depression and the not wanting to do anything or get up in the morning are gone.  I get up fresh every morning and wonder what will I do today.  Build the business is indeed one of the things but it's no longer needs to be done NOW! Arggh :-) that beating myself up about the delay that something took or having to wait until next week for something is all ebbing away.  I may now think like that but I can now recognise it and just stop, think how silly it is and move on.

Things will get done and that's the way it is.  I will set my business up but it doesn't matter if it is tomorrow or next month.  There is no longer a need to worry about it.  It will happen in it's own sweet time.  I thought it was funny that someone was worried that I hadn't got a lady friend in tow.  When I said it had only been 2 1/2 weeks since I moved out they were surprised.  Again, it's my tone, my outlook and goodness do I really need a relationship now?  Jeez I'm just getting used to being free again :-) It would be nice to have someone to meet but I'm not absolutely certain about that.  Anyway I have plenty of friends and I've been out and about with them a number of times already.  No I'm fine excepting the little pangs I get occasionally.

I'm not sure if it is right that I actually feel pangs for Mrs. F.  I imagine her being quite upset still about things.  Bless her.  I haven't seen her since the day I moved out.  Probably not a bad thing... It is funny though that I suddenly feel like that but as I've said I hate that I've hurt her.  I know, I know she's hurt me too but.... :-)

So it is Saturday and I've spent a little too long on this damn laptop as it is :-) Time to go do something....

Valentine's Day & How To Empty My Bank Account Fast

My first Valentine's for about 40 years with no cards, no special meals etc.  It's one of those little body blows where all the perfect people are loved up and us single people are made to feel losers :-)   i don't suppose that's a fair depiction but there you go.

So I started my investment programme today and I'm close to £2,000 lighter today and £3,000 this week - I've had to purchased a bed and all the stuff with that, towels, airer, vacuum cleaner and so on and so forth.  Today it was the first part of my investment in equipment and that is close to £2,000 and doesn't stop there - there's another £1,500 on top of that but hopefully that should be about it until I need to pay for the web site.  Luckily I have this money put by but it makes a huge dent in my day to day capital.  

Of course, you cannot make an Omelette without breaking eggs and that's the point here.  Without the investment I have nothing to practice on and nothing to sell.  It will be quite interesting I imagine to try and piece all the equipment together - I don't have as much room as I felt I did - I have enough but really could do with a bit more :-) The perennial problem but I will just have to make do with this for the next 6 or 8 months or however long it will be that I am here.

I've purchased my new phone system that can go with me anywhere.  I have free calls - well so called free but of course you pay for them :-) Unlimited calls is probably the right terminology.  Ideal though in business.  The main investment today was the photograph scanner which had gone down in price so that was good.  All in all though it was an expensive day but my bed is on its way as is my mattress and I hope to be able to have a decent large bed in the next week or so.  I also reckon to have my wedge shaped pillows - I've always wanted these to prop me in bed and stop me rolling onto my back.  Let's see what happens :-) I am hoping that in two weeks I will have a room and my clothes sorted out, my office sorted with all its new equipment and be ready to start to build the business.

I feel strange today, this day of celebration of love (or the greeting card, florist and chocolate industry).  I'm a cynic - shouldn't you be doing this for all 365 days a year?  I feel you should.  But hey Mr. Hindsight is a great thing.

My lovely lady was impressed with my poetry for her so I'm pleased about that.  She really is someone special but unfortunately not for me it seems.  Got to move on from that.  As for all the other "interests" in my life, if I weren't such an INTJ I might know what was going on with them too.  But I have no idea what is going on at all.... :-)   I'm such a klutz when it comes to all this fannying around.  To understand this you need to read this and this.  

It is a shame because from what I've been told, I'm really interesting to be with and very unusual.  I'm not a typical bloke who likes soccer goes out to the pub and expects my dinner on the table when I get back and all that sort of stuff.  Probably because I hated the way my life dissolved into the monotony that I've now escaped from I never want to go back there.  I don't want to dictate what goes on but in the past 2 1/2 weeks I've really had quite a bit of fun and been my own boss and I am beginning to slowly enjoy this new life.  It will be cool next week as we may almost begin to get straight but it doesn't actually matter if we don't.  We have our bedrooms clean and tidy although mine will look better next week, a room to sit down and relax in.  I have the office to retreat to.  I have my music.   There are boxes all over the place that clutter but you know what - it doesn't matter one jot.... :-)  

I often get these twinges of regret or longing and yet I think that it doesn't matter - I'm just 2 1/2 weeks into this journey of being a single guy.  It's all new and wonderful, slightly frightening and yet challenging and exciting.  Looking forward to it.

Enjoying Things At Last

Yes, it is amazing how getting away from the house has crystallized in my mind what I probably knew all along.  Hindsight is an exacting science as they say.  I love having my music on a little louder than I would ever have it on at the old house.  I find myself halting actions and then realising that I can just please myself and do what I want, when I want, at the speed that suits me.  All that rushing about has gone and I've consciously not followed any of my old habits.  Eating at certain times being one of them.  Watching TV with my lunch being another.  Most of my timings were to keep me out of the way of Mrs. F. and the kids too in some instances.

I'm happy to take a little time and a little care over trivial things and find enjoyment in simply washing up or vacuuming - it sounds stupid but if you aim to do the best you possibly can do at the task you are achieving it can work wonders.

My purchases have started to arrive - so I now have lovely Egyptian Cotton sheets and some nice soft towels and a shower / bath mat thingy to step onto.  Luxury....

It's great living here, I really am enjoying it more than I thought I would which is also great and the freedom and the relief of pressure is amazing.  I feel so much better and so much happier.  

Stupid O'Clock Once Again - But It's Different

This isn't a case of not wanting to go to bed but more a case of being so full of action that I'm still wide awake at 00:30 and could be going strong for a few hours but I think I will try and slow down and go to bed shortly.  I feel many things are coming along in the next few days not least the beginning of my new bedroom - a bed (sensible for the use of) and Mattress even more sensible, wedge pillows and covers and sheets, towels, airing/drier thingy.  I've got the list of all the stuff I need for the business and just shocked myself with the cost of that :-)  But I knew I'd have to invest that sort of money.

I feel I've been hemorrhaging cash this past two weeks - it feels longer already - gosh just two weeks..... I'm amazed.  So much has happened but of course we have all sorts of bills to commence with and it is surprising what you don't have to hand.  I will halve one lot of money in my account in the next two weeks!  Shocking as I had quite a bit in there to start but a months rent and 6 weeks rent in advance as a Deposit also take a thump out of your balance.

I have other money in other place it just means I have to play an cunning hand to move funds around when I can trying to avoid losing any interest that I may be entitled to :-)

Today has been so busy on so many fronts.  It's really beginning to ramp up and now I need to get a grip of my planning and so be able to get the right things in the right order.  I can't do the web site unless I have contact details and phones and emails and the like.  It's just one of those crazy things.  I don't actually need the phone and email right now so I am going to try and run that to the line.  I also need to invest in the equipment (the majority of the investment it has to be said).  I then need to practice using it - again it isn't a problem because I need to "learn my trade"

The thing will be getting enough business and maintaining the business pipeline and the actual doing of the work.  I keep forgetting that I'm my own boss and so it doesn't matter about time (in a way).  It will be what it will be.

I'm in such a different place in my head now.  I'm so charged about what is going on.  I had such a great time last night with my mates, I laughed so hard it hurt which is super and I hadn't had anything to drink as I was driving.  It didn't matter - I put beer in the Fridge here so that when I came home I could have a beer and just "reward" myself for not drinking earlier.  I was worse sober than I would be with a few drinks in me.  Great - fantastic, how free I feel and how slowly I'm getting used to the feeling of freedom and also practising the living each day as it comes and to allow myself the luxury of enjoying people and places for what they are.  

Miss The Old Place?

I thought I'd miss the old house and yet I don't at all.  I love this new house although it is very modern inside and traditional Mock Tudor outside it is warm, spacious and Flocky and I are pretty much OCD when it comes to keeping the place clean and tidy.  Having said that there are - as is to be expected when you move in piecemeal - boxes around all over the place.  As we put things away and find nooks, niches and crannies for the stuff the packaging will reduce. 

It looks like a home now and I really fancy getting out and about locally.  At the moment though I have deliveries coming and so that may prove difficult for a while.  There's a beautiful Village Centre to explore and it has a really fancy roundabout with a Duck Pond on it.  I love it.  No street lights and so the stars are out and shining brightly - I have brought my Telescope so I can get a good look at the Moon and Planets.

My office is a little "compact" but it will do for now to allow me to set up and run the business.  After that, I will just have to find a place that will be as good - perhaps with a proper office or large spare room.  But hey - I haven't got settled in here yet :-)

So much to do but no pressures to get things done.  It really feels as if yet another weight has come off my shoulders and here I am exploring my new freedoms.  It is very strange as I ask myself the question "Can I do this or that?......" and the answer is that I can do what I want (within the limits of propriety).  Want to eat later or earlier?  Get up early or late? All of these things are a little bit strange as I only have to please myself.  The consideration is my house mate though but the house is so big that in some ways that doesn't come into the equation. 

I don't miss the other place at all and I didn't think that would be the case but I imagine it didn't feel like a home for the last 6 months and possibly for much much longer than that and so it doesn't hold the "affection" it perhaps should.

So no regrets and very few doubts at the moment which is good I think.  There's a new found excitement every day that I'm free to do what I want.  There's a tiny bit of trepidation when I see how my savings are taking a thumping but you can't make an omlette without breaking eggs as they say.

Onwards and upwards.... :-) 

TakeTwo

So far so good.  Today I ordered my double bed and had to check that I was actually being sensible - I was - got a nice storage bed but really liked the totally impractical Italian Designer bed.  So today I spent a lot of money as I need the whole thing and got some wedge pillows which I've alway wanted as they are great if you sit up in bed and also should help me to lie on my side.  The mattress is the more expensive item but I think it will be brilliant and will really do the job as I sleep on a firm bed - even the little put you up is great and fabulously firm.  

My office is getting there - it needs another spree of cleaning and reorganising and I can then really get into doing business.  That is a key thing for me - I now need to spend a business day in the office working the hours and doing the work.  Of course we still have the distraction of daily moving items, building furniture and so on.  But I am now of a mind that things will get done in their own sweet time and not before.  I've really mellowed down and whilst occasionally I get a pang of "oh no I should have done this" actually it doesn't matter a jot.  If it doesn't get done today it will get done tomorrow - I have to build a business and that needs good solid foundations and rushing will not actually get the job done.

I'm off out tonight with the lads and the great thing about that is?  I'm driving so will not be drinking until I get back here where I have a few beers in the fridge.  The great thing is I don't need to "hit the drink" and wait at the pub for hours and hours until I go back home after everyone is asleep.  This is my house now and I can come and go as I please and I can pretty much do what I want too.  I no longer have the pain of living in a hostile environment.  I can't even tell you what it is like but it feels like it should have felt when I realised I no longer had cancer.  

Well - Hello There...

Almost two weeks and finally we got the Internet.  It's been a difficult time without it but not impossible.  I quite like the idea of being a bachelor again and enjoy the challenge and the freedom.  

I had a shaky "what have I done?" moment on the first day as I spent the evening alone and yet - a cracked open a few beers and decided that no - this was what I wanted and that where was the pressure and the stress now?  Well it just isn't there anymore.  No "atmosphere" in the house.  No doom laden myths to sort out just the freedom to do what I need to do, when I need to do it and no pressure either way - how brilliant is that?  Liberating and fantastic.  I've used my car more in the past few weeks than possibly in the past 6 months.  I haven't contracted any nasty diseases and have managed to wash my own clothes and iron them.  I really do feel that I'm going to be alright and at last I can see a way forward.

I only get minor angst and worry which is all about meeting people but I need not worry about that, it isn't an issue and things will be fine I know they will.  It's good that I can tackle these small worries.  I'm also working out how I go about building the business and from now on I can move that forward.  With the connection of the Internet I am able to start looking for equipment and to start to purchase things I don't have (a bed and all the bits for it).  I got myself a temporary wardrobe which is OK but I've still got to sort things out.

I love the house we are in, the views over the countryside if it would ever stop raining.  Believe me I could hardly believe it - the rain was stair rodding down and a bus pulled out which was going to Noah's Ark.  What a strange sign but apparently there is a small village around here called that.  I've lived around the area for a long time and never really noticed it.  

Anyway - normal service to be resumed soon. I am feeling very well and apart from aching like hell after moving stuff in for a couple of days and humping things up and down the stairs, it's liberating being here.  I have to realise that I can pretty much do as I want.  OK I need to do certain things but I can please myself where and what those will be.

I'm going to like it around here.

Last Post For A While I Imagine

So here we are it is almost the 28th January 2014.  It is a day like no other I've experienced before.  Sure I've moved house and had a flat which was great and not at all like today.  I was excited when I got my first place and when we (the future Mrs. F. as she was then and I) it was emotional and exciting and it was the beginning of a wonderful journey.   We had a lovely house, lots of space and a garden full of fruit and vegetables it was great as we needed to be a little self sufficient to make ends meet.

We had nothing (very little) we bought cheap second hand stuff (we still have some of it) and we built a house and a life together.  We moved here to our present house in 1988 and we worked hard and we made this a lovely house to live in and to bring up children because that's why we moved here.  I wouldn't have it any other way, I wouldn't want for that not to have happened.  

With regret I wished that we hadn't started drifting apart all those years ago.  With hindsight maybe I could have done something about it but I was in my 30s I was building my career, I was climbing the greasy pole and doing the right things.  I changed industry and whilst that was a risk I built us a financial pile and no one wanted for anything apart from love.  For that was what suffered.  Our children have not wanted for much - sure I wasn't rich in terms of money but if it was uniforms, trips, music lessons etc they were provided so I don't feel that I didn't provide for the family in that way but perhaps, given where I am today, I may have left part of the overall equation out.  :-) But hindsight is an exacting science as we all know.

So there we are my life up to now interrupted by cancer and torn apart because no one knew how to deal with me?  I recollect that not only did I have to convince myself but I also had to convince others.  The strategy was not to mention it and that works but it ignores the very heart of what was going on with me.  

But I digress for where I am now is where I am.  It's time to make that split from this house and to start off as an independent person once again.  It's time to make that break and to see what life is going to throw at me.  It's time to explore and to make new friends and to seek out new civilisations to boldly go where.... Oh you get the picture :-)

This is turning a new leaf, taking the high ground, doing something new and being able to finally make that break and to take stock and to see where we are.  I sincerely hope that Mrs. F also gets to see it like that.  I also hope she realises that I'm depleting our savings at double the rate as I live away from this house :-)

I felt absolutely horrible during the day and it was nice to talk to Flocky earlier.  We have both been through a lot these past years and finally both of us are doing something about it and moving on.  Where I know that today I've been very sad about it and I have no doubt that won't change tomorrow - at least I'll be out of the way and able to affect my own future far better than I can today.

It may be a while until I post again and I hope that when I get out of the other side it will be for the better.  I certainly hope so.

Feel absolutely awful today

Damn it, I feel awful today - cannot believe how sh1t I feel but there you go.  Trying to do the logistics of moving but heart isn't in it inasmuch as they've thrown so much cr@p in my office I can hardly move :-) Crazy but there you go!  

Feel sick to my stomach but I know I have to do this :-) Have to - it will be OK once this is over this should be the easy bit as we had the hard bit last August.  Coming to terms with all of this is what I need to do.

Time to seize the day :-) Back online when we get back online :-)

This Time Next Week

I'll be elsewhere - hopefully exploring the surroundings and out of this mad house.  It feels like (but I know it isn't ) that everyone is on my case this weekend.  My office is full of cr@p and odd cardboard boxes etc.  I can hardly move.  I've come downstairs but A and her friends are next door making a noise so went my office where Mrs. F and L are now clearing the boxes out.  No peace at all!  Nightmare so I've come downstairs with my laptop and switched on the TV and will just hide here for the afternoon - or try to and distract myself.

Write my blog, go and moan to my journal and get ready for tomorrow as I am going to pack then when nobody is around and today feels bad.  I can also bring stuff downstairs ready to go on Tuesday.  I can disconnect the main computers and stuff too.  

I have to say that I do feel pretty low and a little sick in my stomach today again.  I'm sure I will feel similar tomorrow and Tuesday as well.  At least tomorrow I will be busy all day.  On Tuesday I foresee that I will be excited and sad at the same time.  I hope that I will find it an enjoyable time and that challenges are there but to be enjoyed.  I'm bound to have forgotten something or need something but there's Sainsburys up the road and it's not as if it will be life threatening.

I can only hope that once I've moved and got over the trauma of that - things will steadily get better.  Hope so.  

Sometimes I Think Maybe I Shouldn't Have But Karma Rescues Me

It is pretty strange that I should have bumped into so many people yesterday and then I think well maybe not, that's the way of it and things happen for a reason.  We may not always know what that reason is or what or why it happens and we may still miss the opportunity, whatever that may be.

It's strange me meeting that young lady, listening to her getting her home then seeing her last weekend and then her contacting me - as apparently I'm a 'very nice' man.  So we will see where that goes.

Today I've felt particularly bad - I suppose as you pack up your stuff you do get to feel a little down and "have I done the right thing?" and then you find out that your office has been completely flooded with boxes and packing stuff that I can't actually move anything or put anything anywhere!  It's a fire hazard if anything :-)  I couldn't even get out of the door at one point such was the packaging materials from the loft.

It's as if to make sure I get on my way but I'm not sure they are actually getting it at the moment - I'm certainly not taking half the house with me - what's the point?  I'll only have to move it again in a few months time and then most probably have to move it again when this place is sold and I buy somewhere with my part of the proceeds.  I suppose it is making it slightly easier for me to leave when behaviour is still pretty much as binary (all or nothing) as it ever used to be here.

So back to my karma.  As I was feeling rubbish and feeling bad about leaving, the behaviour here just reinforced my reasons to go.  I mustn't loose track of the reasons that I'm leaving.  They aren't trivial and they go quite deep too and it's only I think that I am now at this point at the 11th hour that it makes me feel strange. 

Come Tuesday I will be able to move into the house and hopefully start to build a new life from there.  Let's hope so.  

So Off We Jolly Well Go

Yesterday was a crazy as it can be almost farcical.  We paid our deposit and first months rental and then met up for a coffee.  I had news of a local chap that a number of us knew up at the pub and decided to take a copy of the letter up to the pub for the locals. 

I wasn't expecting to see my old next door neighbour there.  But we had a couple of drinks and just as I was about to go and old dear friend of mine who I haven't seen in years and years appeared in the pub.  He comes to the Woodman a lot he told me - I've never seen him there but he knew the landlord and all my lot!  Amazing.

So I ended up drinking with him for the remainder of the afternoon and then in to the evening and then my old next door neighbour who had fallen out with his wife (long story) needed a place to stay so came home here and we put him up for the night!

The terms and conditions have come through so I am trawling through those today and we sign on Tuesday and move in on the same day.  

My old next door neighbour has gone this morning and Mrs. F. is on a course.  I am feeling particularly low and a little bit down even a tiny bit dewy eyed because this is my last weekend at the house.  It's suddenly hit home that is where I am at!

Not to worry though.  I have a day or so now to sort myself out and to work out what and what not to take with me.  I don't need much to start with but a bed a chair and a few basics will do nicely.

It's all a big adventure, it's a new start but also it's a good feeling to finally be at this point.  I have no doubt that Mrs. F. and I will feel very differently about things in the next few days.

I'm certainly going to be feeling very up and down - I know it.

Frightened - Moi?

Been a very strange surreal day on so many fronts.  Where do I start?

1. Flocky and I are now able to proceed with renting the house - YAY
2. Wobbly sensations as my life is about to change
3. Relationships I thought were dead have come back to life
4. Oh bugger! Another relationship has arisen to complicate 3 above :-)
5. Friend came and took me out for a beer - which was SO welcome

Geez, what a day so many things happening - if you put it in a film no one would believe you.

The house can now go ahead and I do feel more wobbly about it than I thought I would.  I spoke to Mrs. F. and we were being really matter of fact when both of us were obviously brazening it out and we were both close to tears by the end of the conversation.  Thank goodness my mate came and out of the blue took me for some beers.  Was a good thing I have to say.

Some dead relationships have sparked back again in the last few days.  By which I mean that things that I thought were no longer around and I had dismissed have resurfaced to confuse me - because I don't always understand these things.  To add to those woes, I'm now in "close contact" with the lady that I assisted a week or so back.  We plan to meet up and get to know each other better.  I'm cr@p at all this - I thought I'd just been a gentleman and done the right thing.  I guess us old fashioned chaps have some sort of appeal after all?

Life is getting a little scary.  Things are coming home to roost and suddenly my life has changed beyond all recognition.  What is going to happen?  I don't know but I just have to take each and every blessing as it arises.  

Down To Business

It's been a hectic afternoon as I prepared and sent off my details so that I can be credit checked so we can go take on the rental of the house.  It is funny because I do have enough money to live there for quite some time but of course they need to know.  

Of course, it wasn't going to be that easy as the large amount of money I had in there had in fact been transferred around about lunchtime so I had to do an accompanying letter to explain the switch in funds but of course, it all makes sense and in many ways - it was good as I was able to show distributed funds and I'd already taken the precaution of taking a few snapshots of my account in the days leading up to today.

I've read the terms and conditions - they seem fair and reasonable and apparently we need to get over to the Agent and sign those off at some time and take some ID in as well.

Well, I must say that I had a strange start and felt a bit excited and sad all at the same time.  I knew that would happen and I still feel the same in many ways.  I spoke to Mrs. F. and told her that things would be moving fast from now on.  I think this will enable us to quickly sort stuff out and I also hope once I'm out of her way she will be able to think it through and we wont keep bumping into each other and having awkward moments.

I need to sort out basic for all sorts of things now - it's crazy but things like towels and the like - have we got enough if not I'll buy myself some for the interim. That expense is one I hadn't really counted on - things like vacuum cleaner, bed, quilt, sheets, pillows and so will soon deplete my savings but I know not to panic - just get things sorted and then work away from there.  It isn't Rocket Science....

Have been feeling great so far this year.  I feel fit and healthy and above all I feel ready to go take this new life, new chapter, new page on full bore.  It's really exciting and it's really going to make me think and work out my life.  I'm looking forward to it and it's more in excitement than fear.  I like that I can probably just cut loose and do my own thing.  I can at last get down to running the business and also organising my office and myself the way I want to.

I Knew I'd Feel Like This

It is very strange indeed as I feel quite breathless this morning.  It's just a phase and it's to do with the unknown the excitement and the trepidation of it all, the enormity of what I'm about to do.  There's the slightest panic about getting things sorted out and making it all happen but I need to realise it won't happen overnight it's going to take some time to occur and I'll no doubt have some frustrations waiting for it all to happen.

The sooner we get started the sooner it can all fit into place.  In some ways I'm feeling anxious about things - like the business but the reality is it will take time.  It's taken 3 months longer to get to where I am now, I shouldn't be surprised really.  But there you go it does get to you, it's bound to.  There's a lot of hidden stress to deal with.  I can feel it.  You think about trivial things too which again aren't going to matter in the long run.

There's a big shop not far from the house and there's food and everything else you need to live so I'm not going to starve :-) If I'm missing anything I can just go and buy it! :-) 

I can also live out of boxes for a while too.  Not sure if I can live without the internet for too long but again, not an insurmountable problem as I can come back to the house here everyday and pick stuff up, use the internet and transact any online stuff and go back afterwards.  It is simple enough.

I'm looking forward to it and at the same time, I'm a little anxious too.  How will it work out?  Of course the bottom line is that it will be what it will be - there can be no reward in worrying about it, it hasn't happened yet.  I need to heed my own advice and just work in the moment.  The past is gone, the future hasn't happened you can only do anything about the present moment.

It's really an adventure but of course there's this cutting off my own past - not that it hasn't happened but that it's a sort of baggage that I don't need to carry with me.  Cutting away that baggage is very difficult to do.  You're not cutting away all that has happened you just aren't bearing it as some form of Cross.  

Anyway it all feels pretty strange at the moment and I'm going to take the opportunity to write on the the blank page I'll have after next week.

The Brink Of Moving Out

It's here - the offer on the house has been accepted and now, subject to terms and conditions and references, we are likely to have a place to move into this time next week.  It's nice and is the one the Flocky and I really liked in the first place.  Warm, comfortable and just cosy.  A proper Goldilocks place.

There's so much to do and I'm in a bit of shock about that but - perhaps it is better to have it thump in like a Tsunami.  I spoke to my friends tonight - they are all massively supportive of course and in a month I'll probably be living nearer them than here.  It feels very very strange indeed.

I find the whole thing somewhat surreal I have to say.  It is just bizarre how it has all worked out but in my mind, I've done all the right things and now is the time to go test the water and see how Mrs. F. and I feel after 3 months or so.  It will be interesting indeed to see what her reaction will be especially as I will be burning so much of our capital for my flat and to set up the business.  Of course, I hope that I'll have a good return on the business over time but not 6 months :-)

I am excited and slightly concerned of course.  One thing that will happen is that I will be free of the incumbrences here and can go and live my life without the restraints (real or imagined) I've had here.  The main thing is to get the Internet installed in the house so I can start to operate the business :-)  The rest of it can follow :-)  

Interesting times ahead - very very mixed emotions at the moment.   

Heart Surgeon's Blog

I found THIS very interesting:

"Heart surgeon declares on what really causes heart illness"

When I set out on my dice with Bladder Cancer I had an inkling that food and modern lifestyle was at the root of my problems that along with being an ex-smoker too of course.  The problem is that you still see dietary advice that is way past its sell by date being promoted.  The food industry will tell you that carbohydrates are good for you after all they make up the base of the pyramid of foods that are "good" for us.  But, of course, nothing could be further from the truth as this article sets out.  

I think this article just adds a little bit more to the argument that somewhere along the line we've been fed a load of old tosh about what is and isn't good for us.  I've been lucky in some ways as when I followed the advice and started loading myself with lots of fruit and vegetables it almost gave me diabetes and as luck would have it I was turned from the abyss by my doctor.  It certainly made me go and do some more research.  I'm a little overweight at the moment - Christmas and seemingly a lot of beers have not made losing weight easy but then again I wasn't actually looking to lose weight over this period.  I've started losing it again now and once I've gotten past today I will be back off the booze for a while :-)

I have to say that I'm not sure that fruit is as good as this chap says - modern fruit is so bred to be high in Fructose and this would spike an insulin response.  I think small berries and the like in small quantities are OK but whilst I love fruit, I've cut it out of my diet altogether now - such a shame but then again I feel great these days.  Just a by the by -   I haven't had a cold since February last year when I started on the regime....  In fact I don't think I've had a cold for a couple of years now.  That's not evidence of course just something that I've noticed of late. 

It's interesting that a recent advert on TV is advocating that grains are good for your heart?  100% natural fibre blah blah blah.  We are being told this and it's all supported by "science".  Terrifying - truly it is knowing what we know about carbohydrates - it is outrageous that the can blatantly just state that.    

I'm certainly back on track with my food regime and the excesses of Christmas are behind me.  I'm eating my usual eggs, bacon, mushrooms, livers, mince and basic vegetables, fish etc.  Plenty of butter and cheese too.  My kid brother is doing well - he's now lost around 7 stone since August and another friend of mine has lost 3 kilos in 2 weeks so he's delighted although he could do a little better and he knows it but at least he has the incentive to see it falling off him.

After Many False Starts - Here We Go

Flocky's exchange of contract has happened at last - poor fella it has been dragging on for months!  The first house we were interested in only want a 1 year contract and so we can't do that.  The second one, the one that really is nice inside we have put forward an offer on as it almost ticks all of the boxes.  It certainly is a spectacular interior. It's a lovely road - Mrs. F. and I looked there when we bought the current place.

Yesterday felt like a bit of a wake for me as I visited the two pubs in the village and had a little too much to drink if I'm honest.  But there was an Elvis impersonator on at the pub which was fun and then I wandered back to the Woodman and had another beer before wandering home.  I went straight to bed - I've learnt not to touch this PC after a few beers.  I feel OK this morning but I really shouldn't!  It was funny as I again bumped into the girl I'd helped get home on Tuesday night.  We just acknowledged our presence as she was with a group of locals at the bar.  Seeing her there triggered that eureka moment - of course I'd met her before - I thought I had.  She is often sat at the bar on the corner.  

I thought to myself that this would likely be the last time that I'd be drinking in the village at my local and in many ways it was a sad but also a poignant day.   I'd realised that it is getting nearer and I'm really hoping that we can agree either this place or the place which is local and get it underway as soon as possible.  In that way, I can get out of here and start to move things forward in my own life.

The eBay nonsense has been sorted out and the buyer got a full refund - I'm surprised but eBay must have some sort of policy that looks to close silly little cases like this and I haven't been penalised so I guess that's fine.  My monies have been released in my account - so that's OK too.

I won't be doing any eBaying for a long time I think.  I have a business to build.  I am SO looking forward to getting that to happen.  It will be a great distraction for me to just spend time doing that.  I actually did some work on that yesterday - trying to get my head around pricing and discounting - it is particularly difficult to work out how to do this so I was working on a model to see if I can get it straight in my head.  Again, it will be so much easier doing that somewhere with little or no distractions.  

Reflecting on another day not telling someone

I have no idea what Mrs. F. is thinking about - today our hairdresser came around and possibly for the last time cut out hair.  The general banter was pretty difficult because what plans have we got for this year - well none actually :-) It's ridiculous.  I wonder how she will explain away that I'm not there, that my car isn't there etc?

I had a lovely long day thinking and snoozing catching up on the very late night I had.  It is late tonight and Mrs. F. has been out to her friends and isn't back yet - unusually for her.  At least she is talking which I am pleased about.

It could be as early as this time next week that I might be in the house if things get signed off on Monday!  It would certainly be useful to get out of here - I'd probably have to come back daily to sort out the internet and goodness knows what but that is doable.  I can take stuff a little at a time too and that may help transition away.  I realise that I'm not going to be in a position to start the business straight away either.  Whilst I'd like to - I have to be realistic in setting my expectations.  The first thing of course is to relish in my new found freedom - it sounds naughty and nasty but I think that it is one of those things you just need to do is to realise the enormity of what has happened - I bet I'll be sad and happy all at the same time.  

Then I need to get stuff that I don't own now - I've a list of stuff - like vacuum cleaner, bed and so on.  :-)  It will be fun and it will be exciting.  I imagine I will be watching my capital being eroded with some alarm at the beginning but hopefully the business will come to the rescue along the way.  

Once I am away from here I will be able to let more people know and of course, I have no idea how to tell people that I know that know Mrs. F's family what is going on.  WIll cross that bridge when I come to it I suppose.

Not Sure What That Was All About

Or maybe I do - was up till 4 am listening to my tracks that remind me of last year's good time summer.  I played the list that reminded me of all that happened and drank a few tumblers of Scotch too (not too many).  It was a very strange night.  I was wide awake and reliving the past which I know isn't always healthy but this was a series of very happy memories and I know what sparked it as I'd been online and my friend came online and we just had a short conversation and a chat like we used to.  Suddenly I was transported back to those heady days of June, July, August and September.  

I can't even tell you what it was like considering that at the same time I had made up my mind to leave Mrs. F. I was at the same time freeing all the shackles and chains that had held me back and made my life - well - hell really.  Suddenly music flowed and the sun shone, the warmth of those halcyon days still makes me smile, the buzz of insects and birdsong, the invisible wind blowing across the corn fields, all of it made last summer special.  

So in many ways it wasn't unexpected that I'd travel back in time and just remember how good I actually felt and what all that music meant to me and how it ran around me head - a soundtrack to 2013.  Somewhere, in all of this of course is a catalyst that would make all this happen and so it was great to just chat and we are so alike that as we write or talk we come up with the same things, the same phrases, the same ideas and we truly are kindred spirits which is how we described ourselves - at the same time.  It is very spooky how this happens all the time.  We bounce off each other and our music, literature, art and humour are so similar in so many ways.

I think you probably get the picture here.  Which of course is why it is so galling that it can never be anything other than it is, a lovely friendship and that's that.  I'm lifted every time I talk or correspond and I know it works the other way too.  

The trick is to see past it all and to have that relationship as just good friends :-) I feel she was my Psychiatrist because if I hadn't had all those long conversations, I doubt that I would have come out of my malaise and be where I am now.  I suppose you aren't allowed to have a crush on your Shrink :-) 

Hello New Life

Just over the horizon, I can see the light just beginning to glow, the promise of a new life, a new start perhaps.  I feel mainly excited about it and I feel charged.  Of course I'm a little scared too because it is that step off into the unknown.  I've taken those sorts of steps before of course.  Setting up my own business for the first time, that first contract, those first invoices and would anyone buy my services?  

I'm no longer afraid though because I've finally known what it was like to be afraid and Bladder Cancer frightened the daylights out of me.  Each operation and wheeling down to theatre - would I wake up?  Would they find something that would point me towards an uncertain future?  It's all very scary.  I suppose there's one thing about you getting really bad news - at least you know you are going to die and can do something about it?  That's sounds very churlish just writing it but I wonder what my dad thought when they said - sorry - it's terminal and gave him 6 months to a year.  I was surprised as some of the people I knew who had it didn't last a month.

So - not afraid, a little apprehensive I suppose, a few doubts but as I bumped into Mrs. F tonight and she asked if I was OK I said "kind of" and was she and no she isn't.  But here's the thing, it is hard being under the same roof, things will change when I move out - they will have to because this status quo will be broken.  I will no longer be here and I will at last be able to throw off the invisible shackles that bind me to this house and to the family the way it is.

I see a fractured family at the moment and that too is understandable.  Mrs. F. is in a sad place so the house is also quite miserable too.  I try my best but of course, having someone making light of the situation of trying to be my usual cheerful self isn't what's called for I suppose? 

I've made some minor plans for later this year - a black tie do in June which I am looking forward to.  I've a few gigs I fancy going to and other than that I am wondering whether to get myself away for a few days somewhere warm.  Just for a break and to recharge my batteries.  There are opportunities to go for a few weekend breaks like Ladies Nights.  The trouble with those are of course, they are for couples :-)

It will be interesting to look back on this year and see what has happened.  I thought last year that I may be in this position but also felt that I would have had a big corporate job and that would have allowed me to sort things out financially - of course it didn't quite happen like that.  Of course mid year all hell broke loose and then in August I explained to Mrs. F. that it was all over and in many ways the last 6 months have been really difficult as I remained in the house and changed the original plans of her moving out to me moving out.  I need to balance the fact that whilst I thought that I would have my business up and running by now - the bottom line is it doesn't matter when I start it as long as it is planned and executed correctly.  You could look at it that I'm "losing money" but that isn't the right way to look at it at all.  It will all drop into place in good time.

So just out of touching distance is this new life.  The opportunity to make something happen, to free my spirit, to enjoy my life, to do what I need to live and to work at building a small business and to make enough from that to live and that's now all I want to do, live, be healthy, be happy, bring happiness to others and enjoy life.

To Follow Your Wallet Or Your Heart?

So Flocky asked whether I'd be upset moving out?  So I gave it some more thought as I'd glibly said that I thought I'd be 'a little bit' upset.  

In many ways I see it as turning the corner, opening a new page, a new start.  This is my 'new life' and so in that way it is exciting and of course a little scary too.  It's bound to be a bit scary because for the first time in 32+ years there'll be no Mrs. F.  No children (hardly children anymore) and thats 24 years so that will be a big difference.

I think that I've made the right decision but I could see that there is a wallet versus your heart situation here.  I suppose I could have blagged it out for the rest of my life - I was comfortable enough, I guess I only needed to make the barest of a living and I had the house and a good enough life but as I write this, I know that deep down inside now, it may have lasted a year or two but I'd be back at this decision point again.  Yes writing it down has answered the question.  this happens a lot of course when you are trying to resolve these things in your head.  I have a document that I write to all the time - more than this blog - and it's where I ask and answer these questions.  Am I doing the right things etc?

Of course, the question I posed at the start is important too.  I've halved my wealth and that of Mrs. F. too of course.  It doesn't mean that you are poor of course.  What it does mean is that suddenly, you changed from a large house in a nice area to a smaller place in maybe not such a nice area.  You aren't living where you wanted to live - and I do like this area, always have.  Unlike my parents I've lived in this house 26 years and before then lived in a place we knew we would move from for about 7 years.  I daren't even think how many times my folks have moved in that time :-)  So moving about (and I'm going to do a bit of that I reckon) will be new to me.  I have no idea where I will end up at all.  In my heart I feel it may be further out than here but what will be will be.

I'm following my heart, at last.  Following my previous course was OK but the only person who seemed to be unhappy about that was me!  

I will be disappointed to be going.  Disappointed that it ended up this way but I shouldn't be surprised as I had been paddling upstream for years trying desperately to get everyone to change.  Everyone but me that is :-) I maintained that I believe I did everything right for everyone except myself.  Now is the time to change that and I can imagine for a short while I will be upset - it will be saying goodbye to a life and a lifestyle that I became accustomed to but I wasn't, or don't think I was, ever going to be able to maintain.

Life goes on and change is perhaps the only constant we have.  The thing to do now if to seize the opportunities that lie ahead and not to fall into anymore ruts along the way!  Easier said than done I tarry.  

More On Diet

If we needed anymore on diet and the low fat regimen that has poisoned a generation or two then here is yet another blog that throws light on what is going on out there. 

In one place this heart surgeon states:

 "Let me repeat that: The injury and inflammation in our blood vessels is caused by the low fat diet recommended for years by mainstream medicine."

It should come as no surprise that we are all trying to eat what we are told is healthy food and yet piling on the pounds.  I disagree with the fruit comment especially if you are trying not to spike your insulin.  Today's fruit is particularly bad for you as it isn't naturally occurring - once again you may worry about genetic modification but breeders have been hard at it for a long time making fruit sweeter and therefore high in Fructose.  Think that glass of Orange juice is good for you?  You may as well have three or four tablespoons of sugar!  Man never had year round fruit, he didn't evolve on carbohydrates and a few thousands years of "progress" is not enough to evolve to eat the food that we conveniently pick up in a store.  Not sure how ancient man got his Pizza and Cola?  I like the fact that a Good English Breakfast is pretty good for you  apart that is from the bread and the milk in your tea or coffee :-)  All the worries about fat and frying (as long as it is in fat or a good oil) can go away.  If you use Sunflower or similar oils then you are introducing the problems there not in the fried food itself :-) 

It seems crazy but 100 years ago there were no cardiologists, no dietitians and nutrition experts, very few allergies etc.  Look elsewhere in the animal kingdom and you don't see many obese animals (except pets).  Yet since these new "healthy eating guidelines" were introduced in the 1970s obesity has rocketed as has Diabetes.  It wouldn't surprise me if other problems related to blood pressure and heart disease, allergies, intolerances and many many ailments are caused through diet.

The World Of High Finance

Well not so high really :-) I've been swapping stuff around and moving funds from one place to the next.  It's good fun but sometimes it can be a bit bizarre as you'd have thought that electronic transfer was a little faster than it sometimes is.  I've had to withdraw funds from one place today and it took a couple of hours.  I moved some money over in case we need to put a deposit down on the house tomorrow and it went across instantly :-)  

I'm quite enjoying all this moving money around but I'm going to enjoy it even more to set up my business and to start getting some cash rolling in.  It's a nightmare at the moment as I really want to get cracking but circumstances preclude me from doing that - it's only really that I can't concentrate on sorting the business out and give it full attention and that's because of the atmosphere here but I am pleased to say that whilst it isn't great, it isn't nasty.  It is business like I think it is fair to say.

I was in two minds whether to go out again tonight but once again, I need to put the brakes on that.  Going out is fine but it defeats two objectives - one is losing weight as beer just piles on the weight - liquid bread.  Additionally of course it also costs money and I'm already going out next Tuesday and I might be out on Saturday.  I just need to be careful that I don't spend half my leisure time down the pub.  I tend to spend most of my days and my evenings here at the computer - I leave the downstairs to Mrs. F and L to watch whatever they watch.  Occasionally I will  watch the idiot box.  

I don't need to rush starting the business either - it will take as long as it takes of course.  What I do need to do is to get in, settled and then to get the plan together and execute it.  I am actually planning and pulling stuff together now albeit in short bursts so that I can document it and be ready.

I think it is also just dawning on me the seriousness of the decision I've taken and I do feel slightly daunted but also quite excited too.  In many ways the adventure can get started and I can begin to rebuild my life and it's a strange feeling in many ways but not one that upsets me.  I think I will be upset in reality when I leave and don't need to keep coming back to this house.  But then again, I think that the break, the physical move away will also be the impetus to change and to live life the way I want to live it and under my rules.  I think perhaps Mrs. F. will also then free up a bit - it must be awful for her too with me in the house even though I try and keep out of the way she has a constant reminder of me in the house.  Once I've gone then we will see what her thoughts might be.

I surely hope that the girls will rally around her.  I feel that things aren't good all around but this has been dragging on for quite a while and now we have got past Christmas and the New Year - perhaps things are beginning to change a fair bit.

Alright - That Was Good

Yes - finally we saw a series of houses that were around the right ball-park and big enough, decorated enough and of the right sort of price for us.

We settled on two out of four we have looked at.  I think the one in the middle is a compromise between the three - it's a bit like Goldilocks :-)  Just hope that we hear that things are signed off for Flocky and we can get started and moving!  It really can't come too soon for me really.  I guess the biggest issue is going to be the Internet and utilities getting those sorted out.

I actually felt quite bullish once we'd seen them all - each was sufficiently different from the other to actually make it difficult to compare like for like.  But we aren't going to be there for a long time and we don't want to have a hugely luxurious place if we aren't going to call it a home. 

One of the nice things I like about the place in the middle is it is in the country and it is also only about 10 minutes away by car from my place.  It has access to country walks too so that looks good.  Two others are close to each other, near a station and in a quieter road but a bit further out maybe 20 minutes drive but not that bad.  

The other one is local to here but surprisingly we think it is further from the shops and train station than the others :-)

Anyway - I'm really charged up about them and there's good space and a good location - ideal.

A Little Thing To Make You Think

“Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.” 
― Rumi

My music tastes have altered as I disengage myself from past friendships and disconnect associating certain music with certain events - it sounds strange but I can recollect what each tune means and how I felt is contained in the melody and/or the words.  Some still unsettle me and so I've shifted towards some of my progressive rock albums and I'm really getting back into stuff that I'd left behind years ago.  Also some new stuff  - this is Airbag and All Rights Removed.

It's quite an interesting 50 minutes of Progressive Rock - well more Neo-Progressive really.  I'm listening to this, Dream Theater, Porcupine Tree and Steve Wilson at the moment and I'm retuning myself entirely.  I've had to as I was finding sadness in the other tracks.  It is sad to move on.  I was talking to my friend about how I missed reading to the Children - all the books they had, all the fun of bedtime stories and how I miss that but you gradually grow away and the kids grow up and move on - that's the way of life.  We look back nostalgically to those key moments and we feel sad but in reality we shouldn't because that's the way of the world.  We all age and grow up and it's part of this circle of life.  

I felt I was getting somewhere today at last and it may well be just meeting that one person that I may never meet again but you suddenly see something about people.  Generally we are good and kind people.  I spoke to lots of people at the pub and this young lady too.  Everyone was kind and pleasant.  Life's not half as bad as the papers and the media make it, they play on our ability to beat ourselves up.  I think I just had my "faith in humanity" repaid last night.

I haven't heard back from this chap who wants me to pay him loads of money back on eBay and he hasn't responded to my last response which was for him to take his case to Customer Services.  Mind you it could take weeks to sort the damn thing out.   Not that I worry about that apart from it just means there are loose ends floating around as I move.  I'm sure it will all come out in the wash.

So off in the morning to go look at some houses and see where we stand with that.   It is half way through January now and I think that we thought we would have been sorted and in a place by now :-)  Maybe once we know tomorrow or Friday we can actually sort out and get the place and get cracking.  I was playing with some figures earlier and the hit this is going to make on my savings is eye watering - there the flat, bills and all that but of course, setting up a business all costs money and whilst I can slowly bring in some of the stuff - the key equipment is needed from day one!  Well week one perhaps.  

It's all a big adventure, a new start and a new life.  Whatever happens I just need to enjoy it and not forget that.  Quite how you measure your "enjoyment" I'm not sure but I do intend to make sure that I enjoy my freedom and actually do something with it.

Must Have Been A Good Day

There's nothing quite like getting a little boost and I must have because I spent today motoring on with my Operations and Sales and Marketing mind maps.  I have really not been able to tackle them because my heart isn't in it and the creative atmosphere I need just wasn't available.  Today, I guess my ego has been brushed up the right way, and I'm in a good place, really creative and firing on most if not all cylinders.

It is stuff I really needed to get out of my head but I still don't think I will be properly "in the zone" until I move out of here.  There's some maths I was trying to do last night and I really need to be clear of atmosphere to do that.  It's not so much complex as it just needs logic and thought applied and then to test what I've done.  I fear making a mistake at the moment through distraction.

So I was really elevated by that little encounter, made my day and who knows may be the catalyst to get me moving a bit more than I've been able to.

Off in the morning house hunting.  One of the ones we liked has gone we are seeing three which should help us to make up our minds in the next day or two.

Confidence Boost

I have been in a good place all day today.  Just that one meeting and chat this morning means that I can strike up a conversation and it was OK - I dread it but if I've learnt one thing this year it is that I'm not found abhorrent or disliked.   I am different to a lot of blokes so I suppose it may be that that is interesting about me?

Anyway, I certainly feel OK and suddenly the worries that nagged at me about meeting people aren't quite so stuck in my mind.  I should know this anyway! 

Oh well, she remembered me :-)

I wouldn't be much of an IT person if I wasn't able to find someone's name and address and find them based on a number of bits of information I had about them.  A hobby, their road, their name and surname and voila I know her address and then found her on Facebook and dropped her a note to see if she was alright.  I got a lovely note back this morning saying she was OK and that she hoped she hadn't made a fool of herself.  I assured her that she had not and then we proceeded to have a 10 minute exchange of texts so that's nice.

I like that she said that we got on well and so maybe we might get to meeting up - sober this time? :-)

She certainly is a nice lady. 

The Bad Days Are Behind Us Surely?

I find it interesting that Flocky and I both have similar feelings sometimes - he oftens says that as he listens to me or reads this blog it's just like his experiences.  I feel the same as I listen to him too.

So there's a time when you realise it is not a dream and it is actually happening and you look at your life and reflect and I think you feel some disappointment and regret and of course there's this stepping into the unknown.  In 1998 I set up my business and I stepped off into the unknown and it was a leap of faith - a huge leap of faith as I didn't know much about running my own business - I'd ran other people's businesses and been involved at high level in some household name businesses.  But it was different.  I had an 8 year old and a 5 year old daughter and whilst I had been pretty successful up until then I had existed in a corporate wrapper.  Now I was out on my own.  I had to work it out for myself, do my own billing, chasing invoices, timesheets, expenses and VAT and all that good stuff.  Mrs. F. was there doing the accounts (bless her).  I recollect that first day and my overwhelming thoughts were - as I sat on the train - I am probably earning 4 or 5 times what my fellow travellers were!  In a day I'd earn what they earnt in a week!  Now that may not be a good thought but I remember having it and being very worried about it but around that time I finally realised what my true worth was to major corporations and it was worth them paying me that sort of money as I was good at saving or making them millions.

That excitement and trepidation and in many ways being isolated from everyone as I started is kind of how I feel now.  It is like stepping off a dark staircase and not knowing where that next step is and your foot travelling further than you thought it would and you feeling you are going to fall when suddenly it lands with a shuddering bump.  That is how it feels like now.  It's all different, it's all exciting but also it is also very frightening too.  There's actually a fear of the unknown but also something slightly rebellious about this.  By that I mean that there are some 'habits' I've got into that I don't much like and I want to change those.  I want to cut loose of some of the commitments that I've grown used to (in many ways to get out of the house) that I don't need to do anymore.  I can just release myself from these commitments and go and do more rewarding things.  I like the fact that if there are three ages of man and I've done two of them - I ought to make the most of the last one! :-)

It is difficult moving away from the Status Quo and taking on a new life when comfort and normality and habit guided, regulated and monitored your life.  Imagine that we are now given an opportunity to put all that we have learnt in this past 56 years (in my case) into some context.  To use all that knowledge, hard won and we carrying the tattooed scars of our life to date to use all that to live a life less ordinary and to develop relationships that circumvent and erase common problems of jealousy and greed, that are loving and mutually beneficial, to make someone else's life better or more than that more than one person's life better even a tiny little bit.  That would be worth living for and expending your energy to do?  To make someone else's lot that little bit better.  To be a better friend, to be more tolerant.  To not make the same mistakes again and to use the experiences you had to  not repeat those mistakes and to talk and communicate better, to do good to one another to love and be loved in return.  

Surely a better life is out there beyond my mind's eye and current imagination?  I have to remind myself that no matter what emotions I am going through at the moment, how sad I feel for myself but more for Mrs. F. and my daughters A & L, it won't last forever.  It won't actually be as bad as if I stayed here - I still feel I would have just descended into a deeper depression and would have been no use to anyone.  

The key to this is to realise that the future (yes I know the NOW is the real thing) is going to be good because it is totally in my hands to have learnt from my past and to make sure that those lessons are used to make my life better.

It isn't how I imagined it to be, how could it be?  I wanted something different (well my ego did) and the reality struck home - "you can't have what you want!"  You can have whatever comes your way and that's it.  You make the best of what comes along and you do your best.  

I was lucky last year to have someone actually drag me up and talk to me seriously about my terrible lack of confidence (I know you can hardly believe it).  I was finally made to believe in myself in the most wonderful ways and even today they hold me in as high an esteem as I hold them.  I finally believe that I can be attractive, intelligent, funny, kind, affectionate, caring, loving, deep, intellectual, artistic, poetic, creative, musical and so many other things.  All of these things I was when I was younger and they got kicked out of me by a gradual process of erosion of my soul and who I was.  I doubt it was deliberate at all.   It just happened.  I like the story of the married couple and the wife who changed her man over a period of years and moulded him to her desires, clothed him differently, stopped him doing what he used to do and after 10 years he was so changed that she shouted at him one night "You aren't the man I married!" :-)

We all change, we adapt, we soften and we become compliant.  I wanted an easy life and I never wanted to argue or fight.  What was the purpose?  So here I am 40 years into a relationship unable to articulate to the woman I knew all those years ago what the hell happened and how we ended up here.  I hate that we hardly talk anymore but I have a short memory for we haven't talked for years.  I hate that we are here - but here we are - I can't do anything about that.  I like that many people I know are saying that it "isn't me" but I don't want blame and I don't want people to take sides.  I hope that this is a case where we are both equally to blame (if indeed blame is the right word to use - I don't think it is).  We aren't taught how to be good to each other or how to behave, how our lives will pan out and the stresses and strains of modern life are bad enough but no one tells you what you need to do - well not until it is too late.

But here is a new page.  There's a few chapters beforehand - that's inevitable for I guess I carry baggage with me that needs to be dropped or discussed or something done about it.  The new page is blank waiting for ink and a sentence to start it off.  It is too simple to say "Once upon a time...." but that could be it I suppose.  For now, there's the mitigation of the damage - there's the need to stop talking about 'the wife' and I suppose I call her the 'Ex' there's a point here that I shouldn't appear to be nasty about what's happened for I don't feel that.  I met someone who was really still badly hurt by her breakup.  I see that, I really do, but I don't want that damage on whoever I may meet.  

So many things could happen for me - travel, work away, go to the coast or whatever course may be set for me.  I really don't know yet and somehow I shouldn't worry about it but just do whatever takes my fancy.  Time to dream of the Canal Boat journey, the trip to America, New Zealand and Australia, Thailand and Singapore, Hong Kong and Dubai.  I love Paris and Brussels, Milan and Rome - who knows - there's the world out there.  Here I sit in my house of 26 years and whilst I have been blessed and honoured with travel and privilege, why not go and see this wonderful world of ours and just see what life may hold for me from now on.

I don't know if any of that may come true but in 2013 I dreamt of all sorts of lives I might have had.  None came true because the very person I wanted to share it with was unable or unwilling to commit.  That's not a problem either.  The problem I think is that of regret because when and if you are given an opportunity to reflect on your life, how many times would you look back and say "If only......"  I'd like to look back and say - wow what a ride, what a lovely world, what amazing people I've met, what great experiences I've had.   As Hunter S. Thompson said "Buy the ticket, take the ride."  Hell yea....

You only get one life (in this form) so we ought to honour that fact.  The problem being that not many people recognise it for what it is and the gift we have been given is squandered as we don't really appreciate it until our dying throb.  We wander through this life and instead of bringing joy we cause misery and injustice and hurt to others and they do this to us.  Surely there is another way?  Well I think that I will try and explore that in the near future once that page is turned.  I feel that I have brought pain and misery to my family - I very much doubt that it is ALL my fault but again I didn't tackle it earlier but hey we all make mistakes, misread the situation and let things go when perhaps we should have said something.  The same mistake will not be made again.  Well that's my promise to myself.

I will certainly try and be more 'in the now' and forget the past and don't let it haunt me.  You and I know that isn't easy, there's the utter regret of not doing things when I could have.  There's hindsight on decisions made that in those days were the right things and yet looking back aren't :-) and there's those magic moments that promised to lift you out from where I was that never materialised - that promised so much and held so much vision for a bright future that soared and then dropped me to the depths of despair.  That wonderful job, the meeting with my spiritual angel, the opportunities for great things and then the collapse of each one of them into heaps of ruin from sickness, timing, or just plain bad luck.  But I'm alive and despite financial loss, health worries and the despair and depressions that they caused - I'm out the other end and I'm still alive and I'm still breathing and I'm not poor and I have good health and I have lovely friends and so what is my problem?  I'm not in jail, I'm not really ill or anything like that.  I have warmth, food and clothes and shelter.  What the hell is my problem?  :-)  Of course, you and I know, there isn't a problem at all.

I know that the bad days are actually behind me.  I know that I will have to deal with the disappointment of my marriage, leaving this wonderful house and the surrounding countryside and of course my daughters but they are fledging from the nest anyway.  They are independent already - I made them so - they don't need me to be there for them until they want me to be there for them.  I just have to make sure that I am there for them when they want.  It is my covenant with them as their father after all.  There IF and only IF they need me.  As for Mrs. F. well yes - that hurts too but not so much now.  We've had the heavy conversations and it does hurt to discuss breaking up stuff but, do you know, she knew what the problems were and it hurt us both that there wasn't enough common ground to get back together again.  Interestingly, I'd say that may happen but I need the time to make sure it really could.  I won't say no but there's so big a gulf that it would take a miracle but they too can happen.

Blimey this has been a long winded post.  I suppose I needed to get this lot out of my head :-)