Global Warming My Arse

 It's around 17 Degrees C outside and it's summer!  It's hypothermia weather and I hear people are switching their central heating on.  Our idiot Energy Secretary has just banned future oil exploration and we are now importers of energy not exporters like we used to be.  Of course, he doesn't understand that we actually need to use cheap oil and gas to keep the lights on and to produce stuff!  He's betting everything on wind and solar!  Today there's little solar about especially at night and it's barely blowing a stiff breeze either.  But that's OK because we are getting our electricity from France, Belgium, Denmark, the Netherlands and Norway Here's an overview https://grid.iamkate.com and https://www.gridwatch.templar.co.uk .

I like that they still use words like Renewable and yet the glass fibre blades are not renewable and lay buried in the ground in landfill and the crap chemicals in solar cells and plastic etc - well you get the picture.  It's bollocks.

And here's the thing.  I was trying to explain that the only reason we can live at these latitudes is because of burning fuels.  Try living as we humans evolved, you know, in caves, without clothes and you'll find that without modern day heating and energy sources, you are going to die from exposure.  Try sleeping out at night with just an animal skin to keep you warm and you'll probably see how unsustainable it is.  It was a lot warmer 90 years ago than it is now.  It's been a lot warmer and a lot colder over the past 1000 years too.  Just ask yourself what the Roman and Medieval Warm periods were about, why Greenland was named as such and what the Little Ice Age was all about.  No one can actually tell you if the Romans driving their SUVs actually changed the climate but when they were here they were growing grapes right up to the Scottish border.   How did that occur it was comfortably a few degrees more than it is now, so it has happened before.  The Medieval Warm Period too. 

It's all a money making scam and no one apart from those who aren't affected is in agreement.  If you have your own resources it's best to use them.  We sit on coal,oil and gas fields that would allow us to grow our economy and lift many out of poverty but no, the silly buggers at Westminster are rushing us to the bottom trying to go green and zero carbon.  It was sold as being cheap renewable - so cheap it must have trebled in price by now if not quadrupled.  

Why do they not see that this is just crippling us?  They just don't care and they are too stupid to look at the consequences, there is no Plan 'B' they have gambled on this hook line and sinker.  The crippling cost modestly evaluated is £3.2 Trillion.  Trying to put that into some perspective would be that one million seconds is 11 Days. One billion seconds is 31 Years. One trillion seconds is 31 thousand, 710 years.

Good God what are these people smoking or drinking.  FFS! 

Here are those flashbacks again

 Spooky,   I've been doing some gardening - well jungle control more like it and I've come indoors and the smell of the grass (and weeds) on my clothes and the sunny weather (for a change) flashed back to my first garden with the Ex.  It was massive and despite us both working full time we were able to tend it - it had plums, apples, pears, elderberries, damsons, cherries and then other fruit like raspberries, black, red and white currants, rhubarb.  Three huge lawns at the back and two smaller ones at the front.  We grew vegetables and we kept it really nicely.

The flashback was actually, having finished mowing the lawn and sitting back a little hot, sweaty and smelling of grass and the garden having a cup of tea.   Things weren't so bad back then we worked our backsides off, did full time jobs, overtime, looked after the garden, and everything else.  Life was simpler, we made jams and wine and cakes and froze so much produce for use later.

Happy days.  Interesting these flash backs to these times.  The brain is associating smell particularly with good times and those moments in time that were special.  When you were in the present moment if you like.

I really need to get myself back to being appreciative of Now, the Present and not to be elsewhere. 

 

The Lack Of A Moral Compass

Maybe it is me but I see so many rude, ignorant and self righteous, vile people these days.

The standards have dropped and good manners are rarely encountered.  Plenty of examples but I find the way people drive aggressively,  have no patience, no self awareness and so on is concerning.  Quite why this should be I do not know.  Lack of an old fashioned 'values based' up bringing, ill discipline at home and school.  A society where everything is handed to people on a plate, increase in overall wealth (you are considered poor if you don't have Mobile Phone etc).

I am trying to deal with it without resorting to sarcasm (very difficult for me is that) or just plain pointing it out to them.  So I prefer to not react these days.  Many years ago I would have wanted to point out the errors of their ways but who's to say that I am right and they are wrong and in each of these confrontations there's a loser so why provoke things further?  I tend not to react and in many cases ignore things.  In the narrow country lane where we live people are in such a hurry.  When I see someone coming toward me in their car at high speed.  I just pull my car over and stop and wait for them to decide what they want to do.  If they slow down then I can work out how to let them pass.  Generally that works - it isn't worth trying to force them to do anything, they have to arrive at their own decision.  Walking down the street and it's crowded and someone is walking straight at you expecting you to move out of their way.  Again, these days I just stop dead and let them make a decision, I'm a big guy and so if you want to walk into me, that's your decision.  I like the way that they look when they don't get their way.

Pushing in, not saying please and thank you. jostling you, being generally ignorant, offending shop worker and others.  

When I was much younger I would probably have tackled this stuff head on but now, that's not an option.  Sometimes you have to let karma deliver in other ways.  It's nice when you get to see it happen though isn't it?   

Testing Testing Testing

The App we have been working on is almost ready - hopefully a final test in August and we can go live in September.  That's the iOS version with the Android to follow.  I looked back and the last time I had testing was 2019.  It's been a ridiculously long haul for what it is but almost there now just a few things to iron out and we can hopefully release it out to the world and see how it goes.  No matter how many times I try and stop people changing their minds, they still do and this is a direct result of changing the spec when the job was almost completed - we were in public test and this interfering chap suggested a change.  It was working perfectly well without it.  SO here we are thousands of pounds and 5 years later getting back towards something we already had but with a couple of pretty lines on it.  

It's been a testing time for me too recently.  I am not 100% sure what is going on but I am restless and not particularly happy with the way things are.  I suppose there's nothing unusual there.  I getting old which I didn't think it would, perhaps it troubles me is more accurate.  When you cannot do the things you used to do and physically I have jobs to do here that as a youngster I'd do in my spare time.  I've got brickwork to be re pointed and that sort of work and these days, I don't have the physical ability to do one or two days hard labouring type work.  If you've ever raked out and re pointed a wall then you'd probably guess that the strain on your back and knees will make for plenty of aching and the like for weeks after.

I'm fighting the inner demons, the what if... this had happened.  What if.... you were still in that situation and so on.  The Book of Regrets but I know that I am here, in the present and none of that can happen it's just the pain body and the ego having free rent in my head.... and yet.... what if :-) Tantalising and torturing at the same time.  

Whats and ifs and maybes don't cut it of course.  But try telling my brain that - it's fighting the good fight in there and the emotions versus the logic fights continue.  

Even Longer Day

 The UK road network feels like one continuous building site.  We were going to Amberley Museum in West Sussex it's near Arundel way a typical 2 hour run across country from us normally.  We were within a few miles when the traffic stopped and we spent an hour moving around 2 miles!  Yet it wasn't the only set of roadworks we encountered and around our way they've really had a brain melt and a major resurfacing job is going on but if you try and avoid the area you are hit with, yet more roadworks.

It's a bloody mess frankly and some spotty planning clerk has completely screwed this up.  A bit like yesterday, there's the Goodwood Festival of Speed going on and the A27 was paralised and just to add insult to injury it was closed later as they found some old munitions (possibly WW2) and had to get the bomb squad over to dispose of them with a controlled explosion!

Getting home was slightly quicker but the M23 and M25 were almost at walking pace.  Again roadworks, miles of them and how many workmen did we see in the snails pace progress.  Not one.

We saw some pretty awful driving though and the one car that I wanted my dash-cam to pickup was the moment the dash-cam decided to go to sleep for 10 minutes!   

Anyway, it's a nice place and lovely people there.  There's a museum of electrical stuff - I was in my element as was this chap who volunteers there.  Gosh we must have been chatting for about an hour - such great things to see and reminisce about - stuff that was going out of use when I was a lad were there and my word, they had some Tesla Coils there and a whole load of electrical things going back to the earliest vacuum cleaners, TVs and Radios, plugs, lamps, even carbon element ones, valves,, switching gear, generating gear and so on.  Amazing. They even had a Mercury Arc rectifier which changed AC to DC using a huge glass vessel with mercury in it.  Seeing these working when I was a lad was absolutely amazing.  

I worked at a certain large Palace in London and back in the day they had 6 of these (much larger than the one on display) in a special room.  I can only imagine they were removed and given to a museum somewhere.  The Mercury inside them would weigh a hell of a lot, a couple of bucket loads in each I'd say and would be pretty valuable.

There were displays of the various meters we used to use.  Gosh what a nostalgia trip for me.  My dad would have loved it as he would have been just that little bit older and have actually worked with these amazing pieces of engineering. 

What a long day

 We were testing the App and it's coming along fine but we had to re-code one of the songs.  It means entering the notes and lyrics, direction changes and so on one by one into this database to allow the App to just interpret the information and draw the notes and so on.  Clever stuff but the last time I did this was in 2019!  SO it was a bit of a steep relearning curve.  We got there in the end.

It's looking great and working well.  The usual odd issues with things not looking like they should can be easily ironed out.  My business partner and I are pleased despite the fact that we are 6 years later than we should be.  I hope we will get this launched this year perhaps in 6 to 8 weeks.  We could do with that so we can start to recoup our investments.

Testing is always tedious as you have to go line by line and watch out for things that you might otherwise overlook.  I'm used to being a nit picking tester so I'm hoping that for me to only find a series of common faults and a few usability issues all looks remarkably good.  

It's tiring as you are using different parts of your brain to do this and it is intensely involved and needs concentration to ensure it is done right.  I could go to sleep right now but it is on 7 pm!

Procrastination - Slowly Slowly but progress is being made

I made a start on the office today and got rid of loads of paper.  I had lots of paper only used on one side so I've cut that up to use for scrap writing paper - I write a lot just to get it out of my head and do planning.  It works well and I find that I develop plans and think it through and then come up with something often quite different but more effective.

 So it's Elephant eating, you can only do that a bit at a time of course.  So a tidy up, a run over with the vacuum and shredded loads of old paperwork that is no longer needed.  It feels good and I don't need to over do it.  I can do this sort of three hours of effort and you can see a change, I can see the wood on my desk and lots of loose paper work, sat on the side to "do something with" has now been tackled and sorted out.  Yay for me!

I am going to continue to do small achievable tasks as it actually gets things done that you can see and measure.  It's no good trying to tackle the big stuff at the moment but that will come and it will be done bit by bit.  It's the only way.

I'm glad I made a start and also I had an incentive as my business partner is coming over tomorrow to do some work so the office is clean if not quite as tidy as I like.

Wow. People are strange

 I live in a narrow lane with passing places and we have farm vehicles up and down all day long plus delivery lorries for Oil, Septic Tank pumps and so on.  So when you come across one of these you wait unless you can get past.  Today my butcher is delivering, now he takes about a minute to drop off my supplies and there he is bagging up and I come out of the house and pick up bag one (of two) when a chap in a Range Rover decides that he is going to squeeze past the delivery van.

As he's doing that manoeuvre I thought to myself he's got to have room to do that, my car a big old Volvo would struggle and so a Range Rover would too.  As the butcher is handing over bag 2 his van lurches towards us and there's the telling sound of a bump and a scrape and the chap just drives off.  I mean he's caused a collision and you are meant to stop.  Luckily he had a light grey Range Rover and so I imagine it's got a least a big black bumper mark along the side or better still his car is dented across both doors it certainly seemed heavy enough to do that.

The butcher and I just looked at each other incredulously I mean who can't wait for a few seconds.  Well most of the people around here actually.  I've never knows such entitled stuck up entitled twats as we have here.  I hope he's got hundreds of pounds of damage.  The butchers van seemed to get off with just a scrape along the bumper.

Reminds me of when we were having our Kerosene delivered and I think it was around 1,000 litres so that takes around 5 minutes total to dispense.  A "young madam" in her sporty car, wearing her gym kit just kept blasting her car horn and then got out and came to the end of my drive in a real temper - "I'm late for my gym"  she was saying "How long is he going to be?" 

Of course, as I spoke to the driver I suggested that the louder the car horn the slower the delivery.  He smiled that knowing smile and then I realised that she would have to reverse her car so that the delivery lorry could go up the road and turn around.

People really are impatient, entitled and strange.  It takes a few minutes to wait, quite often you'll get thanked or a friendly wave.  Be an arsehole and things will take a lot longer than they should.

What a strange world we live in, I'm sure people are losing their sh1t more and more and they really don't need to. I suppose the other thing is these Townies living in the country and don't know how to act or react to normal every day life around here.

 

It's the end of the world as we know it

 The OH has a habit of leaving things (normally breakable things) towards the edges of shelves, surfaces like tables and worktops.  Occasionally I might clatter one of these.  So I managed to drop one of her cups, this time it was slippery and as I moved it to safety it shot out of my hand and broke.  These things happen.

Owning up to it you'd have thought that we were all going to die in a moment.  Complete drama and melodramatic going on.  So I suggested that as they inferred it always their stuff (not surprising as nearly all of it is very little of my stuff is left) that gets broken that I'd break one of my cups which I duly did outside on the patio.  Oh no that made things worse even though they said do it.

You can't bloody well win can you.  I have barely spoken to her since.  It's crazy behaviour what's wrong with people?  It's broken get over it.  When you're dead you can't take it with you FFS.  We have perhaps 100 mugs and cups in the house and she's worried about one getting broken.  I give up.  

How Long Will It Take?

 Hopefully not too long before the horror of the new Government dawns on people.  The Energy Minister will be looking to throw Trillions (yes that's correct) at "renewable" energy which was meant to be cheaper, more efficient etc etc and in fact is the diametric opposite.  Hey ho, as people see their bills go up, their taxes increase, pensions raided, insurance premiums increase and so on, then they will start to realise what's gone on here.  Sure punish the incumbents but to vote for more of the same but worse, what gets into people's heads?

I recall both the previous Labour Governments and so I'm pretty sure it will look all rosy and wonderful and then scratch off the thin coating on top and we will have a socialist nightmare to deal with.  Windfall taxes - on the companies that supply us with energy - I wonder who will end up paying for that then?  

I've almost had it with the majority of people who don't quite get it.  But, there you are, let's see what a mess these guys make of it.  Judging by the people appointed to Cabinet positions and the "quality" of them we will just get Mass migration on steroids now not a halt to it as we were promised and the Home and Foreign Secretaries will probably open our borders and at the same time get us involved in some one else's war too.

F*****g pathetic the lot of them.  As a pensioner now I see that they might be coming for me as I diligently saved for my retirement.  

Terminal stupidity plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose

Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose or perhaps the more that changes, the more it's the same thing : the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Our Election just returned more of the same and our electoral system allows this to happen when the winning party didn't get as many votes % than they did when they lost last time?  

Anyway, I don't get it.  It's going to be more of the same.  OK everyone wanted the Conservatives out but why vote in way that is actually going to make you worse off.  Does no one know that they are two cheeks of the same arse and the prices will continue to go up, taxes will increase and I have no idea how bad things will be in a year or two.  Oh well, there might be some eyes opened soon enough because the very people that voted these people in will feel the bite in their pockets quicker than those who didn't.

Let's see what the hell happens....Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose

Satisfaction In Life

 The Rolling Stones "I can't get no satisfaction" comes to mind.  I was thinking (dangerous I know) that I am going through that awful state once again of not being satisfied with what I have, wanting something different, regretting past missed opportunities especially in relationships at the moment.

There's nothing to suggest that any of those paths through life would have made me happier, richer, poorer, more satisfied and that's the reality of it all.  I am where I am and I should be happy with that but the ego is always trying to beat you up and take control.  It's pretty apparent to me that what I thought I wanted will not come to pass even if I win the Lottery or something else comes along that might change circumstances.

It's not easy at the moment as I feel disconnected from just about everything.

It's twelve years today since my Dad died.  Twelve years ago I was with my Ex and my daughters still lived with us.  It's been one hell of a ride since then.  Not sure why I'm not happy at the moment other than imposing unrealistic expectations and yearning for different outcomes to situations long ago in the past.  

I'll know tomorrow I think, it's my birthday and perhaps that will shake down any doubts I may have.  I'm deliberately leaving this vague as I think it is a sort of test that will leave me in no doubt what the lay of the land is.

Ear Worm Time

 So here is the song that's rattling around in my head over and over.

It's very personal to me indeed.  It sums it all up nicely but it's a lovely tune.  The trouble is it doesn't move things on it halts that process and conjures up the wrong thoughts.

However, do listen to it, it really is very good I think. 

Loss or Lack of Interest

 I've never really enjoyed certain things put on for "entertainment".  Sure I go to them normally if forced and in the main I tend to enjoy them.  I have never liked or enjoyed crowded places.  I've been to a few festivals and can get myself tucked away from the crowds.  I'm no great lover of theatres or cinemas especially those with little leg room and I need to sit adjacent to the walkway aisle so I can satisfy my claustrophobic nature.

So today I was just thinking along the lines of what to do and where to go and I don't want to do anything at all.  I want to get myself out of my rut and I know I should but I just cannot do it at the moment - and I just don't know why that should be.

My mind is doing stupid stuff like dreaming up and digging up past relationships and I could make myself busy but the great stealer of time, procrastination, interferes.  I've got some stuff planned for August but nothing else.  Last year's holiday to lovely Mauritius was not a great success, I felt deflated rather than elated.

I cannot be bothered to do things that I suppose I should do and I know that I've got to do the Elephant eating here and just do small achievable things to get out of it but at the moment, that's not happening.

I keep saying to myself, I'll just get "such and such" out of the way, there's a few things going on this week, and then I can settle down and concentrate on myself and some jobs that I can do.  I've got all the materials to do them but haven't gotten around to it.  These are things that I could easily achieve in a reasonable time.

Perhaps I am also feeling that I'm "on my own here"  by that I mean that my Ex always did things with me when she could or if I was doing things she was around to feed me coffee or food whilst I did the heavy work.  That doesn't happen now and generally I'm out there on my own doing stuff.  It feels weird and perhaps there's that to it.

OK - Now Just Get Over It Already

 It's over.  It's been 11 years since you last met her / saw her and whilst you occasionally drop a note to each other and so on, it just isn't going to happen is it?  

You see, I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic and we couldn't carry on because of complicated circumstances and whilst I accept that was what it was, I never really stopped loving her and that's a problem isn't it I suppose?  It's that we couldn't be together was the limiting factor and me hoping that anything might have changed in that setup is just wishful thinking and fanciful romantic mindset.

It's her birthday today and I sent an e-card and a copy of my playlist that I made recollecting our interest in music and the songs we liked.  I don't know whether that was worth doing really?

So here I am feeling OK about things, after eleven years that should be the case as what else can I do? I can't force the situation and I cannot change her circumstances and I suppose I cannot change my circumstances either.

Get over it I tell myself and I will in a day or so.  The music from the playlist goes around in my head for now though and one song in particular is giving me the ear worm.  She said she liked the playlist and of course, that's not surprising given how we shared these things together.

I am still working out what I intend to do with myself really.  I don't feel that my current situation is entirely good for me and I imagine that has set off my wanting to look back at an amazing time in my life?  I need to work out what I am to do and this week will release me of some outside commitments and that may help me to get off my arse and actually do something - there's plenty to do in and around the house but I'm doing most of this stuff on my own and rarely get any assistance.  Maybe that's it?  

Wow, what a time I had eleven years ago.  Such a shame it didn't work out. 

Moving On

 Reflecting on the past.  I'm not sure if that is good or bad really.  My daughter is running for CancerUK tomorrow - I've only just found out.  Super proud of her and have made a donation as she is running in memory of my dad. her grandfather and me.  That's touching. 

I spent last night and this morning listening to a playlist of music I made remembering 2013 and what it all meant to me.  The TV seemed to remind me that Sir Andy Murray won Wimbledon for the first time in 2013.  It was a year of two halves and mixed emotions as well as a seminal year as I met and lost the "love of my life" split with my wife of 32 years not related incidents BTW.  The latter had been on the cards for some years but I had waited until the children were grown up, ready to leave the nest so to speak and that I would not disrupt their University or Schooling.

The music is quite a thing as all the tracks are specific ones that she and I shared at the time and a few that reminded me of that time.  It is strange how I'm both emotional about that and appreciative if that makes sense.  I would have dropped everything to be with her, everything and my head was full of plans for the future but the main thing wasn't that it was how she made me feel, how it changed my life, how things could have been, what was important and in some ways I can look back with both a tear and a smile at the same time.  Imagine, if you will, a warm summer's day, near a river, a weeping willow tree, a picnic rug and two people lying there in the warmth of the day.  The temperature is just right, the insects are buzzing and humming but not near you, the river is smooth and just the odd fish surfacing.  Just a perfect day, the sort that you dream of and that is how it feels both then and now.

For that alone I should be thankful and not sad and yet, how perfect things would be if the outcome had been different?  It's all very Mills & Boon but that's exactly how I felt and when I look back how I remember the feeling.  For many reasons it could not be.  How I cursed my luck that having found someone that I'd give it all for, I was unable to complete the journey with them.

Oh well, poor me 😄 onward and upwards as the saying goes.  BUT, I'd give it all up right now if I could, love conquers all.  Somewhere else we are together, deliriously happy and living our best lives.  Lucky man, lucky couple, head over heels...

Eleven Years Today

The Hotel, the emotions, the symbolism, the love (yes the love).  Eleven years on and it didn't turn out the way this old romantic wanted it to.  It never could have, well I say never, perhaps in a parallel universe we are together.

It's nice, every now and then to reflect and remember with great fondness a magical time in my life when I was going through hellish times.  

I found the Cancer journey more of a mind problem and the 28th June 2013 was a brief release from all of that.  A chance of escape and dreamer that I am, it all looked so rosy and wonderful - a future of proper shared love and genuine interests shared but it was not to be.  

I was both elated and destroyed at the same time. Genuine connections and proper love but it was not to last through circumstances beyond my control.  I would have done anything at all to be with my Angel for the rest of my life.  However, not at their expense and it's best that the right thing to do was to part.  Very hard thing to do.

Do I?  Yes of course I do.  Reminiscing is lovely and painful.  Like today, a little anniversary of a very special time and it could have been like that forever. Yet, here I am reflecting on that wonderful time (for that's what I remember - not the disappointment) fully knowing it could and can never be.  I have another live now and that's where I am, in the now. 

Ugh The Claustrophobia Dream Again

 I know that it is a "learned" phobia but I've had this since I was a child, hate getting on crowded trains and buses and the Underground was a necessary evil; I abhorred that!   Crowded rooms, concerts, cinemas and sometimes it's fine and others I get panicky and sometimes I can breathe through it.

It was hot last night so I got permission to put my cooler on - it makes a bit of a noise I have to say and around two in the morning, there was one of the recurring dreams.  It isn't me going into a crowded space, it is this chap who has done it for years and squeezes himself into this cave system.  Startled awake it was very difficult to control the panicky feelings so I went downstairs to the big room and got a fan and slept fitfully in my chair.

It is pretty horrible having these dreams but I'm sure it was to do with how hot the room was on this occasion.  Having worked in temperatures around 19 C all my life (control rooms and computer rooms and offices) I keep my car A/C at 19 or sometimes lower and so that could have triggered things.

I didn't get treatment for this from my hypnosis friend and he's not around anymore so I might see if I can find someone to just deprogramme me.  It worked for smoking and also my fear of Hospitals and all the procedures (you may recollect I did this early on in this blog).  Here is the link https://my-bladder-cancer-journey.blogspot.com/2007/04/hypnotherapy.html

I am hoping to work around it tonight somehow - if I'm not comfortable the big room beckons! 

Well I did it

 Interestingly, it was half forced as everyone arrived early so left before I thought I would.   The roads were pretty much quiet and I arrived to get the car washed and I was the only one there.  An interesting time, I've not done a car wash where the car is pulled through before.  It looks nice and shiny.

I'd calmed down by now and went an collected the cake I had made for my partner, it was in a nice quiet road and it looks great.  It also tastes great too.

Then off to the supermarket.  The car park was rammed and so I doubled back and went to the other big Supermarket - some idiots were trying to work out where to park and instead of driving around just blocked the entrance.  Undeterred I managed to get the party food and drinks, got into the car, headed back and was home in an hour.  

As usual, I didn't need to be that anxious and as long as I just take it as it is I'm sort of OK.

I cannot say that this dread feeling is anything other than my feeling down and also that I tend to be organised whereas everyone around me just seems not to plan anything (and they sort of get away with it).

Anyway, I got through it, we had a nice party and that's what matters. 

The strain of getting out of the house

 I've got two errands to do today.  I've got to pick up my partner's birthday cake and then get some party food.  Now it's about an hour to go before I set off and I feel queasy and a little bit anxious about going out.  It's strange I know but that's been a problem for a while now.

I really am having a bit of a strange time of it all.  I know I was seriously down last year and it is beginning to feel similar but not the same now.  It's a feeling of dread and uncertainty and if I am honest about it, I've started to question all sorts of things recently.  The whole lot you know, life, the universe, relationships, past stuff (which I know I shouldn't but the flashbacks aren't helping here) and mortality and so on.  

It's because nothing has changed in the past few years, nothing has moved on and I'm still where I was 7 years ago when we moved in to this house.

Anyway, when I get back I can organise this party and perhaps move on a bit.   I also wish I wasn't drinking so much again.  Got to keep that in check. 

Flashbacks, Fantasies, Meaningless Recollections

 I'd be lying if I said that I haven't been "quite right" this past year and possibly since April 2020 if I think about it.

Strange things are happening which I can attribute to my Ego a bit and to a strange feeling about my own morbidity.  I've realised that I am now OLD or so they say.  I see people of my age around me dying and suddenly to the front of my mind comes an acknowledgement that indeed, I've lived longer than I'm going to live and I am then haunted by these flashbacks and fantasies.

They are in general fond recollections of relationships I had and they are vivid memories, things I'd long forgotten but here's the strange thing, in those are regrets and what ifs.  By that I mean that I didn't do specific things then that I perhaps could have.  These take form all at once and then they stay with me for some days, the same scenario played over in various ways with the how I wanted it to be at the beginning then how it is at the end and also all the permutations that could have unfolded. 

Example:  A friend of mine that I have known since I was 15 or so.  She married another friend of mine and then divorced and is now married again.  When we were young she was very special to me and on one occasion we spent an innocent day where we just held hands and strolled in the summer sun and life was lovely and that's it.  Nothing else happened.  We all hung around together and she was involved with my friend and that was it.

The dream sequence goes along the line that we are at an unidentified friend's funeral.  She and I are chatting and quite suddenly she turns towards me and sees my (quite clearly affectionate) expression and asks "how long have you felt like this?" I look rather shyly at her and state "Since that day we held hands when we were teenagers."  What goes on from there varies from finally we get together to her being unable to leave her husband to a series of what if scenarios about maybe I should have just said something at the time.

Example: A daydream will flash before me and it is my girlfriend and I in our white clothes (you have to be a 70s couple) going out to the beach and she and I are great together.  Both of us are fit, thin, healthy, young and we've got great skin and the world at our feet and it all fell apart a few months later - work circumstances and so we went separate ways.  You can't unfix life but things would have been different if we had different circumstances.  She was lovely, very sweet and the odd dreams then play around with timelines and what ifs.  I go back to some of our adventures, the car I had the journeys and the fun times but why is this happening?  What on earth does it achieve?

None of these things can ever be, there's no chance of me getting back together with something that happened more than 40 years ago. So what is my brain trying to achieve with all this stuff.  It isn't just the dream it's the feeling - I can feel the sun on my body, the breeze, the exhilaration and so on.

Each dream moves on to make room for another after a few days or up to a week in some cases.  My recent one about my "Angel" is vivid, romantic, tearful and sad and exhilarating at the same time.  She made a huge impact on me, perhaps of anyone I've ever known.  Such intensity of feelings in such a short time, so madly in love and yet the whole relationship was doomed from the start.  Being human and not a calculating machine makes you overlook the impossibility of the situation but yet it happened and it was amazing.  INTJs are rubbish at that sort of relationship normally.  So I flash back to the music, the wait to meet each other, the melding of our minds and bodies.  The days were fantastic, I was transported to a place where I was completely connected to my surroundings and I spent ages in the golden wheat fields and then the shady woods.

This is happening now, it is as if I am replaying these moments and then regretting that things turned out like they have.  You can't go back, things cannot change from the way they are.  What would I do if they could change?  Would we get back together and what damage would that cause to life today and there is the whirlpool in my head smashing all these relationships, feelings, ideas, fantasies and outcomes together mashing up a thousand outcomes to every possible nuance saying "what if" this or that happened.

So I don't really get what is going on.  I think that I am having some sort of sorting it out moment.  I'm not sure things are good at the moment.  I am certainly not in a great place for sure.  Maybe it's something that is deeper, maybe my brain/body know something and I'm just too stupid to have figured it out (another INTJ issue BTW).  Yes, maybe it's something that the rest of me has worked out and my head just hasn't caught up with.

Embracing Life After Beating Bladder Cancer

I thought I'd us AI to write this for me.  It's pretty good.... 

A Journey of Resilience and Hope

18 years ago, the world turned upside down when the diagnosis of bladder cancer was confirmed. The road ahead seemed daunting, filled with uncertainty and fear. Every day was a battle, a constant struggle to face the challenges that came with the diagnosis. But today, 2 years on from receiving the all-clear, there is a sense of victory, a feeling of freedom and gratitude that fills the heart.

The Rollercoaster of Emotions

The journey through bladder cancer is not just physical but also emotional. The initial shock of the diagnosis, the fear of the unknown, and the grueling treatments can take a toll on even the strongest of souls. It's a rollercoaster of emotions, with moments of despair and hope intertwined, creating a whirlwind of feelings that can be overwhelming.

Finding Strength in Resilience

Despite the challenges and the uncertainties that come with battling cancer, there is a strength that emerges from within. It's the resilience to keep fighting, the courage to face each day with a positive outlook, and the determination to never give up. It's this resilience that propels individuals forward, pushing them to overcome the obstacles that come their way.

Cherishing Every Moment

After facing the darkness that comes with a cancer diagnosis, every moment of normalcy feels like a blessing. The simple joys of everyday life, the laughter shared with loved ones, and the beauty of the world around us seem to shine brighter than ever before. It's a reminder to cherish every moment, to live fully and embrace life with open arms.

The Power of Hope

Hope is a powerful force that can light up even the darkest of days. It's the belief that better days are ahead, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how dim it may seem. Holding onto hope can provide the strength needed to keep moving forward, to keep fighting, and to never lose sight of the possibilities that tomorrow may bring.

Looking to the Future

As the journey continues beyond the all-clear, there is a sense of optimism for the future. Each day is a gift, an opportunity to create new memories, to pursue dreams that may have seemed out of reach before. It's a chance to live life to the fullest, to savor every moment, and to find joy in the little things that often go unnoticed.

In conclusion, the journey of battling bladder cancer is filled with challenges, but it is also a testament to the resilience of the human spirit. It's a journey of hope, of strength, and of embracing life with gratitude and joy. Despite the obstacles that may come our way, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, waiting to guide us towards a future filled with endless possibilities.

Time Wasting

Maybe I've earned a gold medal in procrastination! I have these cycles where I'm a productivity machine, and then...well, let's just say my couch becomes super comfy.

The good news is, I know the antidote: baby elephant bites! You can't conquer a giant task all at once, but you can chip away at it bit by bit. Today, I took that first bite by getting a haircut (long overdue!). It might seem small, but it's a win!

My goal? Tackle a quarter of my to-do list each day. That feels achievable, and progress is motivating! Here's to slaying procrastination, one small step at a time!

Here We Go Again

 After a week of activity I once again find myself sitting here, at my PC doing the square root of sweet Fanny Adams!  I cannot get myself motivated to do things, I'm organised and disorganised all at the same time!  I want to do something but I can't

Went out yesterday to a pub, had a beer or two then promptly on the way home picked up a load of beer and had a few more and now I feel bad about that as I sort of promised myself not to do that.

I've a list of things to do but I am just not getting round to doing them.  I've done the house things I said I'd do but now there's a list as long as my arm to do.  I just feel like doing nothing once again.  It's annoying as this procrastination is just getting me nowhere.  I'd really, really like to get off my arse and do something but cannot be bothered.  Then I reflect late in the afternoon about the things I could have done and beat myself up for not doing them.

So, I'm going to see if I can pop out of this rut, the biggest rut you have to get out of is the one you are in as an old friend once told me.

Well lets' see how it goes - I know there's the problem and I'm just not dealing with it! 

Glimpsing My Angel

 Of all the loves of my life, one shines through.  My life was turned upside down and indeed, I'm where I am today because of the experience.

It wasn't to be, it probably never was to be but it happened and it freed my mind and broke down the pretty awful place I was in back then.  It's eleven years ago now, about this time of year and we had an intense yet brief time.  I don't want to say too much about that except how it made me feel.  For once in my life I was able to shake off all the crazy stuff in my head and just enjoy life.  Walking through the golden corn fields near my house a little later on in the year it was as if I was connected to the fields of gold (cue Sting song LOL).  

I walked through the woods and around the country park a lot, through the fields, through the tunnel of trees, past the church, had coffee at the local cafe and a cheeky beer or two at the village pub.  It seemed that the sun was always out and when we met, the magic was amazing.  Just thinking about it now tingles my senses and I get quite emotional remembering those precious moments we had together.  The intensity of those moments was amazing.

But it wasn't to be and within 5 months it was all over and the pain was awful.  It didn't help that I'd decided to leave my wife and start divorce proceedings and yet that wasn't a result of one thing it had been on the cards for years but I just hadn't done anything about it.

I randomly saw a post yesterday with her in it, looking exactly as I remember her.  She had a way of looking directly at the camera as if only looking at me.  My heart raced and I flashed back to our times at the "secret garden" and the lakes, the country park, the country pub we met in and the messages and phone calls and the amazing time we had.

I think she is happy and I content myself that having met this amazing woman, having spent just a short time with her, loved her unconditionally and shared more of myself than anyone else has experienced, that she will continue to do so.  That she will continue her journey free and full of life.  I'd like to think that she thinks about me once in a while.  I think about her quite often when I reflect on how lucky I was to meet her, share a little time with her but it is her humanity and goodness that I love more than anything.  She has the most engaging smile, she has a keen sense of humour but behind those wonderful eyes (you have to see them as to me they twinkle) is someone who you can feel being in the presence of, who cares deeply and who loves life and everyone in it.

I really miss her and I often wonder whether those romantic dreams of country living and carefree wind blown seaside walks would ever have come about?  

Still Coughing Away Here

 I've had this cold for almost two weeks now.  It's just one of those strange ones, possibly a Covid type thing as I keep coughing and its like I had in 2019 it just doesn't go away.

In other news, I am working on changing my lifestyle a bit more as I really need to get out of the rut I'm in at the moment.  I was in a bad way last year and I came out of that but I'm really not firing on all cylinders although I am getting things done around the house.

Diet I know is one of the things I need to change and I've started that now.  I need to change all sorts of habit including drinking.  I was having a beer or "just having a beer" a little too foten - only in the evenings but even so - it was getting a little out of hand and so I've packed that in altogether for now and I'll work on strategies to minimise drinking - the problem is, I do enjoy a beer but they are full of carbs and liquid bread as they say.

Hopefully I will start to see improvements in weight loss and feeling a bit less sluggish.

And, Just Like That, You're Old

Today, I suddenly felt old.  I got Bladder Cancer in my late 40s and it wasn't until I was in my mid 60s that they signed me off.  17 Year it was and it flashed by when looking back on it.  So much happened and here I am, divorced now with a new partner, new house and it just hit me that I no longer have the energy and stamina I once had.  I look old.  A look in the mirror sort of provides a shocking image back to me.  My hands have started to shake, not all the time, but occasionally and  this cold I caught is still here, over a week later.

I now really think things through before I do them.  I've been active this week in between coughs but I need to take more breaks, be more aware of health and safety. Going up and down ladders, picking up heavy objects that sort of thing.  

Then you have friends dying, celebrities dying younger than you and you're more aware of your own mortality.

Strangely enough, I don't feel any older I just notice it more that's all.  I recollect my father's words to me "Don't get old, son"

But here we are, nothing I can do about it except accept it and just get on doing my thing. 

Cold - A Little Unusual

 This is the strangest of colds.  I felt fine late yesterday afternoon and watched some TV and then went to bed.  10 minutes in I started coughing and it was the sort of cough, cough, cough that never clears your throat. Neither was it the sort of thing that could be called tickly although it is today!  I had a bad night's sleep and blow me, after an hour of feeling rough this morning I felt better!

Now, this afternoon I've started coughing again and have a nagging little headache thing going on too.  For someone who rarely (these days) suffers from such things it is a bit annoying.  

I'm going to give it another try tonight and do some Lemsip before bed and see if I can shift it.  It will be a week today that I've caught it and it just hasn't gone away but fades and gets worse in random ways.

Cold From Hell? Thank Your Grandchildren

Something "going around" they say. Indeed.... well I have it and it is most unpleasant as it has those traditional Flu type symptoms mixed in with a cold, sore throat, sneezing, coughing - in fact just about every symptom you can imagine including the headache, muzziness and brain fog.   

"A Ha!, Covid!!" they exclaim but it isn't like that at all as far as I can tell anyway and I'm not buying a lump of plastic to tell me I've got a cold either - when did you ever need a test for that FFS.

So I'm not impressed as I've had this for about 5 days now.  It's bad in the mornings and then late afternoon I feel fine, I go to bed but then I'm coughing, breathing through my mouth as my nose is blocked and every now and then a bout of sneezes to top it all off.

I'm going hot all over as I write this so will take off my fleece because I felt cold this morning.  June is surprisingly cold for summer so far.

Anyway, whoever had a winter cold in summer?  It could remotely be Hay Fever but not with so many symptoms and whilst my eyes feel a bit tired they aren't sore like I sometimes get.

It is also debilitating - trying to do anything physical is exhausting and I'll need a break after writing this.  My hands ache and staring at the screen is also tiring.

Anyway, I know who to thank for this cold although he has no real signs of it apart from the cough.  Also, he's far too sweet to blame him LOL! 

D-Day 80 years ago

 I have just written an article about someone I knew who never mentioned he was involved in D-Day.  It was not until we attended his funeral that it was mentioned in his eulogy.  As a young man aged just 19, he piloted a landing craft running men and equipment into the beaches on the momentous day.

He never spoke about it.  Just imagine what bravery you'd need to do that and how being so young, what horrors and images you saw.  

Amazing, brave men all of them and our they fought for our future.  It's a pity that today's 19 year olds would give it all away without thought. 

Election Incoming

 The late Labour MP, Tony Benn, had a very good observation about politics:

"In the course of my life I have developed five little democratic questions. If one meets a powerful person--Adolf Hitler, Joe Stalin or Bill Gates--ask them five questions: “What power have you got? Where did you get it from? In whose interests do you exercise it? To whom are you accountable? And how can we get rid of you?” If you cannot get rid of the people who govern you, you do not live in a democratic system."

So here we are, a snap election and the main parties are lying through their teeth, putting up smoke and mirror type arguments, coming up with totally unworkable policies and talking about POWER.  They don't want to do what they are meant to do they want, and they openly state it, POWER!

We, the public do not seem to realise what Tony Benn's words actually mean.  The answer to every question he sets is US or ME.  It only works because we let them and these people are meant to be our servants.  It's only that I don't want to sell my soul to become a politician that I vote for someone else to do it.  They think they have a right to govern over me but hold on, that's not how it is meant to work at all.  But here we are, again and again.

Why we put up with this two party system, these useless managers who would never be able to hold down a real job is beyond me.  To quote Edmond Blackadder, "I wouldn't trust any of them to sit the right way up on a toilet!".

The great British public perhaps do not understand that these "Politicians" govern BY CONSENT that's the deal and if you take away your consent, en masse, then what will they do?  We need to become ungovernable and we need to beak the system so it does what we want it to do.

I like that most of my friends think that I am a Conservative and yet whilst I lean towards those principles I find that we live in a world where the tail wags the dog so to speak.  The minority have a major say in how the majority live and that, is not the way it works although it does at the moment.  There will be a reckoning as I recollect the bullies at School all got their comeuppance in one way or another.  There's always a bigger fighter and revenge by victims make take many years but it often times occurs.  I'll leave that there but eventually karma has a way of resolving these things.

In business too, the incompetent and useless managers get found out albeit some wiggle their way up and out many will eventually (not fast enough for me) be rewarded for their bad deeds.  It takes just one of their charges to expose things but it can't be done in the way I'd like but by stealth works well generally and the satisfaction to see the mighty fallen is emblematic of "revenge is a dish best served cold." 

Where am I going with this?  The "people" whinge and moan and yet they perpetuate the state of politics and do not have the courage (or the wit perhaps) to do something different.  I have in the past few elections.  If everyone withdrew their consent it would be interesting - I cannot for a million years imagine it would happen as people are terrified of a labour Government and would hold their noses and vote for Conservatives.  The Greens and Lib Dems have shown themselves to be two sandwiches short of a picnic with bonkers plans made to make us all poorer.  Socialism the way they operate it would soon bankrupt us all.

You can spoil your ballot paper - it gets counted as a spoiled vote and so when they state the results these are also noted.  I see one other person and I did this in a recent council election!  It's not enough of us.  There maybe a protest vote available to Reform party but we wait to see whether this will happen.  Unfortunately there are no charismatic leaders and nothing inspiring at all in these corrupt, worthless, morally bankrupt people.

Perhaps the great British public will awaken from their slumbers and actually do something. I doubt it though.  

The Hokey Cokey. What if that really IS what it is all about?

SO, what's it all about?  Funny isn't it?  Life that is.  I wondered about this as we had a Dog attack on the Sheep in our field at the back of us on Monday night and a Sheep died, leaving a couple of Orphan Lambs and my neighbour went up to confirm what had happened, I rang the Shepherd to tell him the bad news.

The dog owner disappeared.  She let her dog loose and it killed a sheep - I'm sure it is the same dog as the day before that scattered the Sheep all over the place.

People sometimes p1ss me right off.  It's the dog's nature but people, who own and look after dogs, are complete arseholes to let their dog off a lead when livestock are about.  Their dog can get shot for bothering livestock too.  I think the owner should be shot (I know we aren't allowed to) but it is hardly the dog's fault now is it? But they'd be the one destroyed if found.

So this person has run away almost certainly knowing that they have caused a fatality and the Shepherd has lost a Sheep, has two orphaned Lambs to do something with and has the expense and trauma involved.  My neighbours and I also have some trauma to deal with too.  They didn't stop to talk to the Shepherd as they knew that their dog could be destroyed, no compensation for him and all the trouble he's had to breed and look after his flock.  UTTER GITS these people. 

If I see the person again I will take a photo and challenge them.  It's not the first time this dog has run through the field.

These are probably the same people who, by law must pick up their dog's faeces and place in a bag but instead of taking it home or putting it in a provided dog bin decided to flick the bag into the Hedgerow where perhaps some animal might ingest it and die painfully (horses are particularly prone to do this I understand) and what posses these people to come into the countryside and do such things?  Have they no idea what they are doing.  I'm getting fed up of picking up plastic water bottles and cans, crisp packets, MacDonald's packaging, removing dog poo bags and so on.  

I want to yell "WHAT THE F**K IS WRONG WITH YOU?!!!" at these pitiful excuses of human beings.  You just know these are the one preaching "Environmentalism, Electric Cars, Solar Panels, Save the Whales" and all that sh1t.  Proselytising virtue signalling WANK*RS the bloody lot of them.  

Anyway, why are these people allowed to exist in this world?  Why do they do so much damage to the environment around them whilst virtue signalling everyone else that they are the planet's custodians. Hypocritical Bastards!  

World Leading Health Service

 Yes, I kind of owe my life to the NHS (National Health Service) BUT, since COVID it's all turned to sh1t.  I was speaking to a number of older gentlemen last week and one went to the Doctor who sent him directly to A&E.  He spent 18 hours and then overnight in a chair there.  He's had tests and scans and has been back three times each time lasting more than 8 hours.

So why didn't the Doctor's surgery deal with it?  I don't know.  Then another chap was stating how long he waited and it's a recurring thing.   Only the Press think we have a world class service.  If you criticise them you get pilloried and then you hear the Politicians stating that they are "investing" more.  It takes £1/2 Billion a day to run now!  1 in every 22 people in the UK works in the health service!  Throwing money at it doesn't work and no one wants to tackle what's at the bottom of it all.  

They don't actually concentrate on patients at all.  They say don't privatise it but perhaps if it were it would run properly.  Whenever I've been to a private hospital the difference is amazing.  Unbelievably you get seen on time, greeted with a coffee or tea and looked after, kept informed and it's almost like being in a hotel!  Totally different.  It's been decentralised and because previous administrations played a little blinder by selling off the premises and renting them back to the NHS it costs a fortune to run.  Little stock control and appallingly bad management have meant that they concentrate on navel gazing and spreadsheet management and are not "customer focused" that is where the problem lies.  Too busy making sure the planet isn't boiling over - 138 climate change senior director/managers, inclusion officers, HR types and all that malarkey.  There's jobs for the boys everywhere.  

Add to that the waste and incompetence displayed and the useless systems that don't appear to work properly (remember they sent me to the wrong Hospital and then had the temerity to strike me off the list for non attendance at an appointment - knowing full well as I spoke to them - they had sent me to the wrong place).  When you get there, there's no where to park, you have to pay to park and it's a bit rich if you don't know how long you will be, if you get delayed you get a fine for overstaying your allotted parking time.

Having worked there and been a patient, I have seen first hand the level of service and it needs to change but no one has the balls or the inclination to change it.  All the time they spend out money making the mistakes and out money trying to put those right whilst programming in even greater failures to come.  

I really hope that I will not need these people.  It is ludicrous that we have to settle for such poor service and it is getting worse and not better. 

Stranger Times

I'm thinking that I am going through some strange things at the moment.  I am steering clear of TV and limiting Social Media exposure as much as possible.  I have caught myself having too much to drink and so I've stopped that altogether.  I love the taste of beer, always have done but I think having 2 or 3 pints a night isn't perhaps really that good for me.

The Sheep have arrived in the field behind us.  Nice to see new life bouncing around and joyful.  I need to remind myself to be more like that if possible.  I'm actually in this sort of waiting for God stage.  Friends dying, mortality staring me in the face and I suddenly realise that if I pop my clogs now, there'll be a bit of a mess to clear up with all these accounts and things so I need to go a bit morbid and make some sort of arrangements to make things easier.  I don't think that will be soon but you never know.  There are people younger than me dying all around me and it sort of gets you thinking.

Then there's stuff.  All the stuff lying around that I have no idea what it is doing here.  Will I ever use it?  Is it ever going to be useful?  Can I do without it?  That sort of thing.  It's a strange old thing having a reflective period, looking back on my life, for no especial reason but listening to certain songs takes me right back to various times in my life and things I did etc.  

In all of this the one thing that seems missing now is the wonder, the excitement, the life I had back then.  Getting a house, doing it up, my first car, going to gigs, girls, playing in the band, going out, having fun, College, the jobs I did and all that seemed so much more alive and exciting back in the 70s.  Ho Hum.  I need to recapture this for my retirement and do things that I always wanted to do if I had the time. Now I have the time, it is filled with banality and hum drum maintenance tasks.  The couple of granddad trips I did recently were perhaps the right things.  Days at the Zoo, Steam Trains, Diggerland and so on.  

I wonder if I actually need to work on these.  I don't feel much like doing them until I do them and then it is alright.  

Strange Thing That - I Cannot Remember

 This is strange - 2021 and 2022 weren't great and 2023 was pretty bad for me - I think it was all the Covid Sh1t frankly.  I was on and off not well although I only had Covid the twice (I think).

Strange is that I am doing some accounts for two separate entities and there are payments I have made into those accounts that I can find no records for at all.  I see I have made payment from my personal account into the club accounts but not why.  In all other cases I can see my usual notes and records showing what payments are made, who they are for and so on but in three cases now in 2022 are payments with no tag on them, no data at all!

I know they were bad years as I let go the reins on a few things but my mind is a total blank on what these payments were for.

It's got me worried as I have a very good memory and I'm also relatively good at keeping tabsl on things.  I'd better watch what I'm doing I think.  .  

A-Ha!  Well a good night's sleep and a quick look at my calendar revealed that I banked the payments for an event we attended (charity raffle) and for me having a guest at a meeting but unusually I had not entered it on to the control sheet but onto the dining plan!  DOH!!!  So all is well, I just didn't put the information where I usually do! 

To Social Media or not?

 I actually think it has been good for me not to be on Twitter (X) or Facebook for a while.  I am feeling a lot better than I was - Twitter can be a very dark place and can lead you into some pretty unpleasant things although it's not all like that of course.  Facebook is a bit of a cesspit likewise and so I only go on there to see how my close friends and family are doing and wish happy birthday, anniversary and so on.

I was asked to go back on mainly because of my jokes and the like but I think I will do that intermittently.  I'm keeping clear if I can of TV too and the news is - I am sure - designed to make you feel down too.

But here's the thing.  I posted this yesterday and suggested people take a break from Facebook etc.

This short film by Steve Cutts excellently demonstrates why to give your tech a rest.  Also it has Yann Tierson's excellent Amelie soundtrack running throughout.

It's worth considering just giving yourself a break or limiting your time on Social Media if you start to find, like I did last year, quite desperate and down about things.  Dark times last year and I'm gradually getting out of it but I'm still not really feeling great about going  out and doing things.  Forced myself to go to some things that I'd rather not do.  

I have found that doing three or four projects around the house has helped me to feel better about myself and also added to a sense of being useful and productive.  

Active Therapy

 Had some ups and downs this last week but I have found that getting on and doing something has helped quite a bit.

I re-did the electric gates with new improved arms and control panel albeit it's never straightforward is it?  The Post has got a little slanted due to all the wind bashing against  the gates.  So I had to wedge that and I'll need to keep my eye on it.  I've strimmed the whole back lawn - just the front and side to do to complete.  The new LED Lighting is ready to be installed in the snug.  The mirror film for privacy has also been installed and the Bow Window repaired and added support brackets (Who puts in windows and doesn't put in the support brackets FFS?).

I've made an illuminated back box frame for the Stained Glass Window we had spare and used levelling feet but horizontally to fix it into the Chimney Alcove.  It looks great.

So I have been busy as you like which has stopped me doing the inward thinking that's been going on.  I am running through bits of my life that may have turned out differently.  My Angel from 2013 was on my mind then someone from the 1990s who I knew very well and just lost touch with.  There's I suppose the everything happens for a reason or that sort of thing but I don't know about that.  The mind likes playing "what if" and some of it is I suppose to do with the ego trying to get back in control.

I dreamt that I met with a girl I knew when I was 16.  She went on to marry a friend of mine, then they got divorced and she married again.  I don't see her often and perhaps exchange a message once a year or so.  In the dream we meet at some event Wedding/Funeral that sort of thing and she looks me directly in my eyes and her face changes and she says "Oh no, how long have you loved me?"  I say "Since that first day I met you and you held my hand on that late summer walk."  

That my friends is the ego trying to get control of me.  Recognising it as such will stop the pain but the underlying element of truth in that dream is real.  

Getting Out and About

 I is a difficult thing to explain if you've not experienced it but being an INTJ type doesn't help in the first place, getting ill when I did, pushed me further towards not enjoying things (like driving my car, going on a train, going inside crowded places) and last year's out of nowhere Black Dog episodes didn't do me any good at all really.

I much prefer my own company and doing introvert things.  I lack certain empathetic traits.  Someone asked me how my other half was and I said OK but totally forgot to ask how their other half was.  I'm like that all the time.  I'm not being rude but it isn't in my programming to ask such things.  It isn't really relevant to me. 

This week I have actually been out twice and tonight makes it three times!  That's more than I would do in a month.  In fact we are also going out on Sunday too so four times in a week. It's almost unheard of.  Driving into South London was interesting not having done that journey for at least 20 years I'd say.  It's changed beyond belief and is fraught with strange road layouts and crazy London Drivers.  As I was one years ago it was easier for me to drive and my passengers didn't want to drive themselves.  I don't blame them it's sh1t for cure.  Anyways, a good day out and one I enjoyed seeing some superb Victorian engineering at Crossness Engines Trust . It was of great interest to me as I worked at Kempton and Chelsea Pumping Stations when I was a junior project engineer installing electric pumps to supplement the diesel ones they were using.  The Victorian architecture and engineering are staggering in their beauty and functionality.

It's cost me extra money as the Mayor charged me for the privilege of driving in the Sh1t hole that London has become under him.  IN fact twice this week I've had to stump up £12.50 to take my car over some imaginary fairy land border where as you cross it the air quality somehow changes!   It's utter bollocks but there you go.  It's annoying that I can't vote in the mayoral elections.  Taxation without representation indeed.

Anyway, onward, I'm out again tonight and Sunday and what's good about that is I'm not sitting at home in front of my PC and I'm meeting people again.  That helps when you are trying to get away from having your head invaded by the Black Dog(s) and it helps to bring some normality back to me life.  I am accepting invites but don't really want to but I realise that it will do me good just to get out and about so I'm forcing myself to do things.

I've a lot of projects to complete too which will keep me busy around the house and stop me slipping back into my inwardly reflecting natural mode of operating.

If you are feeling down, do try and get out.  It actually helps once you get past the "con't be bothered" stage. 

Anger - Where it gets you?

 Nowhere.  You knew that didn't you?  I've just been explaining to someone that I've got a problem with a supplier and they have had delay after delay.  I could get angry or accept that it is what it is and deal with it.  What would me getting angry actually do?  A momentary release of pent up annoyance I suppose but would it help the situation?  Probably not.  The supplier might just refuse to sort things out or walk away.  That's not what I want, I want my goods.

So get rid of your anger, think it through and approach it in a way that they will feel that they will be able to finally deliver for you.  They aren't being obviously obstructive, they are sorry that things haven't worked out as expected and so I can work with them or we go and have a fight.

It;s easier to make your point and then solicit cooperation to actually get to where you want to be.  Both parties "win" so to speak, a Win/Win situation.  Whilst it isn't ideal, it promotes good will and what do you ever get by being angry or having some sort of altercation?  You just get entrenchment and disillusionment, resentment and the like.

Getting Stuff Done

 I don't know if you have trouble getting stuff done?  I never used to but for perhaps 10 to 15 years now I have let procrastination into my life and as a Project Manager / Programme Director type it is pretty awful.

I often wonder what I am doing sitting at my PC when I could be out or doing something and breaking the social media cycle seems to have helped a bit.  Today I managed to get a number of web articles finished that I started two months ago.  All I needed was 30 minutes and the job was done.

Getting stuff done around the house is the main problem I have.  I just don't seem to get myself charged up enough to begin with but slowly it is turning around. I got stuck into repairing and stabilising my Bow Window - put in without proper Gallows Brackets that I have now installed and I've repaired most of the wood and treated it.  

There are lots of things to do and the key thing is to get started on them and then I can work through it. I'm retired no FFS so should have the time to do these things.

Anyway, as the cycle of procrastination breaks down stuff begins to get achieved and success breeds success as they say so let's see how it goes. 

Should I Go Back To Social Media

 Yes, OK, I'm doing Social Media here I know but what I meant was do I go back to Twitter (X) and Facebook?

Spoke to a friend who says they miss me not being on Facebook and all my jokes and the like.  I'm having a think about it.  I found that I got "Involved" to much and it actually affected me - especially Twitter and all the stories on there.  Neither are real reflections on life though, are they?  What do you reckon, 10% maximum I'd say are on there and I'm sure the rest are trolls and bots.

I think I'll bide my time and might test the water and limit myself to a once a week login.  

Tinnitus Update

It is strange that the Tinnitus disappeared and now is back again but it comes and goes now.  If I do the exercises I can make it vanish for a while or even days at a time and sometimes, I only notice it when I think about it, like right now as I write this.

It sounds very strange if you don't suffer from it I guess.  Overall though the volume of the high pitched screeching in my head is much lower now and so there's quite a relief that I was able to finally find something that worked, albeit intermittently.

I am hoping that I will continue to have this reduction in the sound and volume and the periods of quiet are to be treasured.  There's nothing quite like trying to get some quiet time without thought to just relax than to have the high pitched screeching in the background preventing you from doing so.  

I Don't Know, I Don't Watch It Anymore

 Apparently lots of Programmes and People (Actors/Presenters etc) are getting "called out" for wokeness in their programming and it's becoming quite prominent now for headlines to say "people" are outraged, switching off, boycotting etc.

I don't know because I gave up watching these programmes when they turned into preaching mouthpieces and spouted bollocks as truth.  Living in the country the programme Countryfile has as little to do with the country as is possible these days.  What used to be an interesting watch has now become awful from what I understand.  I gave up when every other sentence was climate change this or climate change that and it was total bollocks and no once was it substantiated.  Sure they say that some animal population decreased by x% but didn't actually give the study that was made by (I don't think you can rely on pressure groups to give you accurate figures as they too are woke and have self interest).  So you can add Spring Watch, Summer Watch, Autumn Watch and Winter Watch which are likewise presented as informative programmes but once again, misleading data is provided.   The nature programmes, your David Attenborough's and the like are interspersed with gloom and doom and so on and whilst I appreciate that habitat is under pressure, you are more interested in blaming humans than actually doing something about it.

If they spent time sorting out those problems rather than trying to work out how to dim our star or reduced the 420 parts per million yes 412/1,000,000 of CO2 then we can see someone is actually wanting to do something about it.  

My dears, electric cars and all that Heat Pump crap will not solve the problem if indeed there actually is a problem.

So I gave up watching these programmes and only choose a very few to watch now and even those are getting less as these complete idiots seem to appear forcing their opinions onto me as fact and the tail wagging the dog strikes again.

They wonder why people are switching off their TVs - I did so a long time ago and so it makes me laugh when the newspapers state that so and so has been accused of being "X" as I haven't got a clue who these people are and that's great - it kills a conversation off nicely when you hear some sort of whinge and you just say "Who?" 

I am glad I no longer watch the TV any more - it looks like it infested with people who probably have to be told which way to sit on a toilet!

Some People

 Don't react like you'd think they would.  I've done a big favour for someone and I've asked to review what happens next.  Favour was meant to last a year, it's now 16 months and I'm still doing whatever it is I'm doing.

You'd have thought that I was some sort of evil mastermind the way I got treated.  It's the wrong time, look at what I've done for you (yet I'm the one doing the favour) and so on.

It's irritating for sure and makes me question helping people out but that's what I do and I've done it before and no doubt will do it again.  I can't help but feeling that as has happened in the past, I get the kick in the teeth for being kind and helpful!  You can't win and it is just so disappointing that we cannot have a grown up conversation and deal with it, it's not as if I'm asking for the favour back!

These Things Happen

 Accidents happen, things get broken, humans make mistakes and it happens to everyone.

It's a fact of life that things go wrong, perhaps service isn't quite up to standard, things break and delays to deliveries happen.  But is there any need to get angry and annoyed and stressed out about them?

We had an incident with a meal at a restaurant where there was a dead Slug in one of our dishes.  We got the staff member to come over, don't rant and rave about it, point out the obvious issue with the food and then see what the resolution will be.  The Manager was horrified (rightly so) and took the meal away, offered a replacement free of charge and also not pay for the spoiled meal either.  Let's face it, they had one job, they failed to deliver and they sorted it out straight away.  We dealt calmly with the situation, they dealt professionally with it and they apologised and offered a speedy resolution that we were happy with.

This is exactly the way to deal with all such things and we would have got nowhere by making a big fuss in the restaurant in front of other customers and neither was that have been necessary because things like this happen despite our best efforts things do go wrong.  So why do some people explode into a rage when the smallest thing goes wrong?  Well, I'll let you read about that in 'A New Earth' by Eckhart Tolle who witnessed one such problem when he was out once.  

I imagine Chef got a bollocking for turning out a Vegetarian Dish with "protein" in it LOL.  I also imagine that they would have looked to have a process in place to resolve the issue in the future.  It was a costly mistake and can have repercussions on the reputation of the establishment.  When I paid the bill I also made sure that I went to see the manager, thanked her for resolving things quickly and gave a tip to the staff who served us - it wasn't their fault and they dealt well with a situation I doubt happens a lot.  If you are dealt with properly, it is only courteous and good manners to recognise their actions (and their obvious embarrassment) and reassure them that all is well.

I remembered "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone" and to my mind, not enough people stop, take a breath, count to 10 slowly and then open their mouths.  You often hear people ranting on and getting all heated and about what exactly?  What did they resolve?  Often they make themselves look ignorant, stupid, thick idiots they truly are.  

Yelling and shouting never leads to a satisfactory outcome in these cases.  Calmness and logical discussion will resolve it and when you are calm you can actually formulate good cases for problems to be resolved in your favour.  Some equipment I had has gone wrong and I was offered (because it is just out of warranty) a replacement at a discount.  The question was though, if the item I had now failed just outside of warranty, what guarantee would they provide that replacing it with an identical item would return a better outcome than what has already resulted from using identical equipment?   So now I have a different resolution by asking a quite obvious question that in the heat of the moment may have been missed by me.  I've now been offered upgraded items at a much greater discount.  I could argue about the Specification and all that but it is just out of warranty and that wouldn't get me anywhere.  

Sh1t happens as they say, all we need to do is to deal with it rationally and thoughtfully and also realise that we are dealing with a fellow human who (if it is there fault) may be embarrassed about it.  Always put yourself in their shoes and treat them how you would want to be treated.  

Make up your mind

 Tinnitus that is.   It's back, not loud but back but then I've not been well for a few days and it is possibly because of this weird head cold.   I'm pretty certain I got it like a chill as I was outside enjoying a sunny afternoon when a squall came through and dumped rain and then hail onto me and with it a bitterly cold wind for around 10 to 15 minutes and I wasn't anywhere near shelter so just had to ride it out.

Once I'd dried out, driven home and gone to bed then I really had a bad night's sleep, a dry throat requiring lots of liquid and a deep around-your-eyes sort of headache.  Getting up, I went downstairs and I slept for two days and didn't eat for almost all that time and just sweated it out with some Lemsips and plenty of water.

Just about OK now but the tinnitus has returned albeit it in the distance, nowhere near as loud as it used to be.

Note to self if going out enjoying the riverside and spring sun, remember that this is the UK and it's as likely to be four seasons in a day as it is to be fine!

Letting YOur Guard Down Unsteady Progress

 Mmm, Tinnitus came back last night and this morning and whilst I've sort of half fixed it, it isn't responding to the treatments for some reason.  It could be that I am a little uptight again today and I shouldn't need to be but things just happen like that occasionally and you've got to just work your way past them.

I find that the silliest things can throw me off course and then I have to settle myself down and reset my mind and I can move on from there.

I have a problem with stupidity, nonscientific people and lying, especially the bare-faced stuff that politicians and the media do.  I should just ignore it of course.

When people ignore data and try and ram stuff down your throat to suit their point of view, it isn't particularly a good thing.  How we can kowtow to a small minority who think that men are women and women are men is frankly bizarre.  If you watch any programme where archaeology is involved and they dig up a Skeleton guess what?  They have never said oh this is a woman's skeleton but it was actually a male!  There are huge differences and the pelvic area should give a clue.  But no, someone got all bitter and twisted yesterday because it was pointed out that they were biologically male or female, I don't recall now which it was.  SO I use the word "pretend" in place of "identify as" as it means pretty much the same thing.

And don't you find that someone who pretends to be something else, like an actor, wants me to change the way I behave, live my life and wants me to address them with their particular pronouns?  Back in my day that would get you a right lumping.  I just want all these people to leave me the f**k alone so I can get on with my life and I want the press to stop placing these 1 percenters front and centre on TV newspapers, no wonder so many of us are switching off, which I now do regularly and leave the room when the "news" is on.  It's all utter crap and the reporting is pathetic and so obviously one-sided.  Whatever happened to presenting me with facts I make up my own mind.  Now you are presented with their facts and opinions and you need to subscribe to their point of view only.

So, enough of that.  I've come here to rant and get it off my chest.  I now need to get on with something, anything really as I'm afraid today has just gone west and I've got little achieved.

The Trouble With Accounts

 Damn, I hate doing the accounts for the clubs I am Treasurer of.  It's easy enough doing the banking and all that good stuff but creating the end-of-year Accounts Balance Sheet sometimes leaves me cold.  I can never get it to balance (that's a good thing as it shows you've missed something or your calculations are incorrect) but by the time I've spent a day or two pushing around figures I'm usually number blind.

I used to do well with contract accounts and working out S curves for my projects and programmes but it doesn't work for me as my mind, whilst I understand the principles, cannot always work out what side of the equations something should be on.  

Anyway, I have enlisted assistance as I have a small anomaly and there accounting brain is better at it than I am.

The Tinnitus has returned in one ear, quietly but returned nonetheless and I need to go through the exercises again to get rid of it.  YOu really notice the difference and the ability to hear other things is amazing - I can hear birds' songs in the garden which I'd never really heard before above all the noises in my head.  

It really makes a huge difference and when I stop and listen I really can listen now.  

Hearing Progress

I am amazed that the video I posted in the previous post has turned my tinnitus around and I now only have it occasionally very faintly in my ear!  The exercises are easy enough to do and  so I perform them a couple of times a day as needed.

Interestingly I saw that one of my FB chums has now got COVID-19 for a 4th time!  Well, I noticed that last week he had a cold and over the weekend he used a test kit to turn it into Covid.  Shall I tell him that it's highly likely to be a cold and what on earth has happened to his immune system?  Generally if you get these things you have antibodies to fight them but no, nothing and after having what is it now?  With six jabs, you can still get it.  Is no one smelling a Rat yet?

I've smelt the Rat since day one and yet here we are people complaining that they've "got it again" and not questioning the efficacy of the Billions and Billions of pounds that have gone into "protecting" us all.  

Oh well, mustn't gloat, must I?  Why have so many people lost their minds?  The Government imprisoned us, took away my business and destroyed the economy and this year they are asking for us to vote them back into office.  The cognitive dissonance of our "Ruling Class" is off the scale, they have no idea of the damage they've caused because it happened to other people, the very same people whose lives they have destroyed.  Tossers!