Normality

After a long time I turned up at my committee meeting today. Got a good reception and many were pleased to see me and to know I was alright. Interesting phrase - "Re you alright in yourself?" Perhaps I'll discuss that later on.

The usual stuff a committee is always difficult to run especially one as big as ours. The trouble is, as I suppose with a lot of these things, you really need to have time on your hands to "Do" things and I do plenty already. Nearly everyone on the committee has lots of demands on their time but how do you get others to "do" rather than us, the same old faces? I'm not going to solve that one for sure.

It is good to get back to this sort of thing as I have missed it and I have actually not been able to attend regularly for many years. Let's hope that I can from now on - it is a good cause.

Nice Saturday

Yes indeed,

I drove to Barking for the Family History AGM and Fair - it only took about 35 minutes which was great. I used to take the train but it took so long last time to get home. I saw some far flung cousins and I could have spent hundreds of pounds on genealogy stuff.

It was good to get out of the house. I also treated myself to a big greasy breakfast.

Oh, and my confirmation of termination of employment arrived!

Nice day

Interesting Week Coming up

I am out on Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Now Tuesday on not just once a day either. Tomorrow I'll be off to the East End to meet with some of my remote family - researchers of the family name. Sunday a committee meeting. Monday off out to lunch and out in the evening, Tuesday fixing some computers and arranging a meal and then out in the evening.

Could it be that I am getting my life back? I certainly hope so! I haven't been this active for a few years.

It doesn't go away does it?

Sometimes you can do really well and forget that there is anything wrong with you but it doesn't last long. I think about my condition every-time:

• I go to the toilet
• I eat anything
• I drink anything
• I exercise
• I see anything that might remind me (Cancer Research leaflet/advert etc)
• I see this site
• I log on to some other site
• I have nothing better to think or do :-)

It is the other side of having something like cancer that perhaps I didn't appreciate when I didn't have it. It is always with you and you are cautious and concerned - I know that I think twice about doing things. Strange as that may seem, it is a little defence mechanism and makes sure that you stop and think more often than you used to.

Anyway, there you have it, a strange observation you may think but one that is always there accompanying you.

Exercise - a passing fad or here to stay?

I have been using the cross trainer and I have now built up to 10 minutes a day at about 1/2 loading. I have not used any of the preset programmes at the moment.

I almost look professional limbering up and then doing my 5 minutes increasing to 10 a day.

Can I feel anything? Actually I can already. My leg muscles and my stomach muscles are beginning to feel tighter.

As long as it helps me to get a little fitter than I am and to fit back into my clothes I will be delighted. It is early days yet but I can see the few minutes a day growing. I see the reason people have MP3 players strapped to them, it can be boring.

Opportunity to do something different

I wonder if I dare try and do something completely different - not get back into the IT world or have to work in the City or do some other soul destroying 9 to 5. It is all about balance and getting enough money in and doing enough to keep mind and body and soul together. I've often fancied just packing it all in and going to do something like run a tea room or perhaps a mill and tea room - something like that. The biggest problem is whether I could actually work with "Joe Public" I reckon I'd be like Basil Fawlty and be yelling at the "guests".

Someone suggested that I go and become a lecturer at the local colleges. That would be nice.

Now What do I do?

Good friend turns up tonight. Fancy being a Director of my business?

Gulp! I'm hardly cold from the last job as of yet :-) A night to sleep on it is required!

Do I want to be a Director - me, Mr. Angry? Not sure if I would but perhaps I might be well suited now after all my problems? Who knows

See - Not THAT Bad

A couple of sandwiches, a possible job just come through and suddenly things aren't that bad after all. Mate coming over to buy me a drink as well!

Catch you later then

I didn't expect that to happen

I just got the call, about 11:45 am and the confirmation that I am redundant. I thought I was fully prepared for that and I actually do feel an emotional twang. It's not the money, it surely isn't the journey to and from Yorkshire both of which aren't particularly good. I joined because of the people and the products. They really are the bits I will miss but I will work with them again I am certain.

The company has a lot of soul searching and some serious growing up to do this year. Those who remain will have their work cut out to meet the challenge and it is the sort of environment that I actually thrive in when "backs are against the wall".

So - feeling a little cut up now that it is definitely over. I can now sit down and decide my future and what I want to do. I would have hoped that the Critical Insurance issue would be sorted by now as that is a factor in my future too. I got a letter saying that they had still not received the report from the Hospital and had now rung them. 3 months the Hospital have had the report to complete. Lucky I didn't need the money or was terminally ill - crikey, imagine if it was really bad and amongst all the problems someone had to keep chasing up this to make ends meet. Dreadful.

Anyway, I'm sitting here slightly shocked and a little saddened by the turn of events. I'll go and have some lunch and pick myself up this afternoon.

You Soon Forget

I was reading the story of someone who has just had their TURBT and as I read and recognised their experiences I thought how amazing it was that you just "get over" these things. Some are pretty horrible and uncomfortable and at the time make you feel wretched and yet, how soon afterwards all of that is forgotten. I think the only thing I can still feel is an ache on my hand occasionally where the cannula was. Other than that, the human body and brain soon recover from these traumas.

Terminator II - Judgement Day

Tomorrow that is....

I should be told tomorrow that I am redundant. No "I'll be back" although, I suppose that is always possible; it has been a rather stormy courtship.

Next to get my dark glasses and leather gear on - "Hasta la vista, baby!" - I'd make a great Arnie - maybe not then...

Panic Over I Think

That was a worrying 48 hours. I really hadn't expected the level of fear I felt that somehow the tumour was back or some such thing. I reckon it is a bit irrational anyway as these things don't grow that fast and I doubt they would have survived much given the treatment before Christmas.

I'll still keep checking and I can calm down a bit now. It really was quite alarming.

So far so good

No sign of blood at all today thank goodness. I will still be keeping an eye on things though - you can't be too careful with this.

Fright Night

Last thing at night. Was that blood in my urine? I wasn't sure, I had flushed the toilet.

There is nothing quite as terrifying as then having to wait until the next time you go to check. It may well have been but thank goodness this morning there is nothing.

The brain just runs wild - "what if I have to start treatment all over again?" "another operation?" "treatment has failed" etc. It is far more frightening than I would ever have thought.

I'll obviously be keeping an anxious eye open for any signs in case I wasn't mistaken. Anyway, all seems to be settled this morning and I am back to a normal yet slightly heightened state this morning too :-)

Disappointed

With myself sometimes. I need to snap out of my current lethargy and move a number of things on. The trouble is that there are so many things to do and I am an easy touch when it comes to helping people out that I leave my own tasks behind and work on someone elses to my detriment.

I thought that I had changed a bit more than this and had become a little bit more self centred and selfish. I must try harder to do the things that are important here and to say no more..

My Bladder Cancer Journey: Kylie & Me

My Bladder Cancer Journey: Kylie & Me

BBC NEWS

Kylie & Me

Kylie has pulled out of her UK dates because she has Flu and I wouldn't be surprised if she wasn't trying to do TOO MUCH. You see, I want to prove, like Kylie, that I'm alright and that I am as fit as I ever was and that "I'm back to normal" and so on. The truth really is that you may feel great but your body will soon catch up and kick you back down if you are not.

It is actually a long road to recovery and we shouldn't forget that. We try to take on too much in an effort to believe that we are back to where we were before it all started. My drive to Yorkshire and back took two days but I estimated that it would. I felt that, no matter how good I felt, I'd probably over estimate how good I really was. I could conceivably have got there and back in a day but 8 or more hours in a car would really be pushing my luck. So taking it easy was a necessity.

The exercises I am doing I am limiting to 5 or 10 minutes a day not a full hour workout. The reasons? You cannot go straight in at full effort - the reason you need the exercise is to build you back up towards your previous weight and fitness levels or even to improve on those. In the short time I have been doing this I can feel the muscle groups beginning to respond and the slight twinge as muscles that haven't done much for months start to get used properly again.

So Kylie and Me - we both need to be a little realistic and to try not to run before we can walk.

Good News / Bad News

I touched on this before. Many of the web sites you go to have people who, necessarily, will be having a lot of trouble with their diagnosis and treatment and are looking for kindred souls and they share experiences etc. I think I am right in saying that it can only be a very few who do that. We are not all Internet users through and through, it would seem a waste of their time to look for information let alone to share it and I came to the conclusion that not too many people who had had Bladder Cancer would be on line.

As a sufferer, I was expecting to go online and find out what was wrong with me, what the chances were (yes you do) and see what other people had gone through. In reality you are looking for uplifting survivors stories. You don't often see them. Sure you can get the statistics and you can hear remarkable stories but generally these are people with far more aggressive or advanced Cancer than yourself. I think I said that it made me depressed rather than uplifted.

Well today that changed as at last I found someone with the same diagnosis as me, the same history of operations etc and who is about a year in front of me in terms of where the disease is at. They were possible slightly more advanced in how near they were to having their bladder removed, like less than a mm! The good news is that their BCG worked and now they are on maintenance therapy which is brilliant news. SO finally, a real person who has had this and bothered to put it on the web for all to see - that is more like it.

I wonder whether I need to one day work out the balance of whether you want to find uplifting stories, the reality (statistics) or something else. I can't think like that yet - perhaps later.

An unexpected lunchtime trip out

It was a nice excursion. Friend called - has a half day, fancy some lunch, another friend nearby joins in and a few beers and a spot of lunch and a chat. spur of the moment things always seem to be better than those you could plan. I suppose there is no need to plan and think about it and so without time, no way to set expectations. I have to stop this psychobabble stuff, it was only going out for a beer after all - noting spooky in that!

What are the side effects sypmtoms etc

I still feel a little sore around my stomach area and I am adding to that by doing more exercises and stretching and getting back in to shape. It isn't painful, just there in the background. I don't appear to be going to the toilet anymore than usual at night now nor do I have the sudden need to rush to the loo like I did when I had the BCG treatment - all that has settled back to normal. The anxiety of going to the loo has passed and yet I always look and check for blood even now.

I feel better than I have felt for a number of years. The trouble, if there is any, at the moment is a sort of hypochondria. By that I mean there is an anxiety about anything that may be wrong with me. So an ache or a slight cough or anything like that becomes high anxiety stuff. I can give myself sleepless nights thinking about surviving one and getting "done" by another form of cancer. Morbid, probably unrealistic but you tend to think like that.

Other mental stuff is I am more extrovert than I have ever been and I have got past worrying too much about what people think about me although I can sometimes regret being so "overpowering" in a conversation. I am trying to stop that and I am trying to stop being "me, me, me" although that is difficult because it is all about me after all and if you have had cancer you'll probably understand that and if you haven't you have to forgive that sort of behaviour. It is not bragging rights it is more that you go through some "interesting" stuff which is quite challenging and I think you need to share the load or get it off your chest or something.

Right - anything else? If you change your lifestyle then you'll notice other changes which are dramatic to start with and then routine afterwards. Increasing my fruit and fibre intake has had an interesting effect but settled down now and I'm feeling better for that as well.

The black moods and massive mood swings are far less these days and I feel that the outlook is good. I still occasionally get very choked up when I see certain things on the TV, things that wouldn't normally make me cry or get a lump in my throat tend to now. I guess it is some sort of empathy with their suffering that I am feeling. I certainly wouldn't wish what I have had on anyone else no matter who they were as it is a combination of mental anguish and physical hurt. On reflection it may be character building and interspersed with some humourous moments but that is far from the truth in reality. The treatments are not optional, you can't chose not to have one of them etc.

I'm in between treatment and the next visit to Hospital in March - nothing is really happening that I can feel or see and the body is fighting its own battle in my bladder to see off the Cancer that remains in there. I can't tell or feel what is going on but that doesn't mean nothing is happening I guess. So I feel and look as healthy as I have done and the only thing now is to wait and that is its own problem as you just don't know how well you've done until a couple of weeks after the operation although (I believe) the Surgeon can give you some idea as there is a change in colour/texture that is sort of an indication.

So all is OK at the moment - almost a normal life now and interestingly enough I am getting more active than I have been for a good few years. My attitude to life (the universe and all that) has also changed I think for the better but I still don't suffer fools gladly.