Monday, February 12, 2007

It stops you making plans

I wanted more than anything this week to get away with my family as we had no time away last year (apart from a visit to my parents). I had it all planned, flying off on Sunday and back this Friday to Italy, France, Malta, Canaries, Spain etc. I even offered Brussels and Paris by Eurostar. Of course Valentine's day falling in the middle hoicked the prices up but it is no object when the idea is to go away as a family.

No one could make up their minds and there is college work and course work to be done and so, I'm not going anywhere apart from a London show that we organised yesterday! Not even Spamalot!

There's always a reason not to do something and I'm getting worried now that come Easter, I'll actually be doing one of two things. I'll either be part way through a BCG set of Maintenance Therapy or I'll be on Radio or Chemo prior to some more serious work being done on me.

I'm upset about that but I really can't go and be upset if everyone else thinks and acts as if everything is back to normal. Dilemma isn't it?

Of course, some people now want me to do a shed load of work this week and I don't feel up to that, I want to have some time away - I'm just not going to get it.

Come April I probably wont either and then I may be lucky and get away during the Summer. I should have just gone myself or have found someone to go with.

What is also annoying is that I'm trapped by a garden leave redundancy contract so I can't get on and do something else and I'm also a bit worried if I do start something before the time is up as in 4 weeks I'm going back in to Hospital and I really don't know what is going to happen then. It's all the uncertainty surrounding this. It gives you no easy way to plan out your life, actions, jobs and so on. I'm sure once March is out of the way I can probably get a handle on it again once I know what is to happen to me.

Maybe I ought to just take myself off for a week somewhere and relax. Difficult to know what to do really!

A Friend's Father Dies of Bladder Cancer

I hadn't realised that my Friend's Father/Father-In-Law had died as a result of Bladder Cancer. I knew it was Cancer and I knew it was over 20 years ago it was diagnosed. It had got out and about too so there were issues with that. That is probably the first person that I actually knew/know who has had it and has subsequently had a cause of death from the same.

Mine's contained at the moment - it's called superficial but it is anything but superficial - they are going to change that wording as it is very confusing. A scratch is superficial. Mind you an infected scratch can kill you too I suppose.

Procrastination

I've been dithering about today. I think I shouldn't go and read these forums for bladder cancer first thing in the morning nor last thing at night or every day from now on. Bless them, the people on there are so much worse off than me and although there have been a couple of great stories of cancer free results, most have far more serious conditions, side effects and so on.

I think that perhaps leaving that alone for a while and seeing if that is affecting me may be a useful ploy.

Must be the 4th Night

on the trot that I have been up at this time - what is it? 1 in the morning. I have no idea what is going on - it seems to be a recurrent thing. I'll try and change back to getting to bed earlier. Somehow I just don't feel tired. I stick my MP3 player on and I'll probably be awake still in an hour. Yet at 5 pm I was falling asleep.

I'm going to treat this coming week, as far as I can, as a break - we should have been on holiday - we are going out by the looks of it and off to London for a show. I'd like to have seen Spamalot (of course) however Mary Poppins looks like the one we got. I'd have preferred my idea - by now we would have been nicely settled in to a Hotel somewhere on the Med! No such chance - everyone else has things to do. I might just go and please myself. I threatened going with someone else - no one seemed worried.

I'd better go get some sleep if possible

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Go Away Cold

The nose and head type. I sound like a frog at the moment and I'm bunged up and whilst I know I am over the worst of this cold it is really sapping - I tried to do some exercise but because I can't breath properly I had to stop that. I've been trying to sort out some paperwork and just cannot concentrate either. Having too much time on my hands means that I am thinking too much and generating blog entries like the previous two and that is unlike me to be quite so down so far off from an event.

So - I am going to go and drug myself up for the rest of the day and see if I can shake this.

Other than that - I'm still feeling well and appear to be keeping fit and healthy and no recurrences or anything worrying going on.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Heavy Stuff

That last post was a bit heavy wasn't it? It's all about how you see it though - if you think how many people have General Anaesthetic in any one day - I suppose it could be statistically shown to be like flying or some such % per operation taken. However, it still isn't going to make you feel any better being wheeled down to theatre and going through the procedures prior to being put under.

The whole thing is not nice - necessary - but not any one's favourite pastime I suppose. The point is that as these things get closer the mind starts bringing it to the head of the list and the nearer you get to the date the higher the stress and the foreboding becomes. All the pragmatic stuff - you have to have this done - it is for your own good - at least we will know if the treatment has worked - doesn't argue the emotions - you just have to get on and deal with it the best you can. A good result will probably change my view. If it is good I think that it means no more operations under general but two exams per year under local. Slowly I come to realise what this means for the rest of my life...

Will I Wake Up?

I thought just after the last post that the thing that I have always felt, just as they put you under and the thing that probably frightens me the most is that the last thing I may ever see is the theatre staff leaning over me as the general anaesthetic kicks in and I close my eyes.

A morbid thought but I assure you that is generally the thing I am thinking about at that moment. That and all the things that I may have left undone, haven't documented and haven't told people where stuff is and so on.

No matter what anyone may say about things being better these days - this still worries the daylights out of me. Just one more thing to add to my stress levels when I go into Hospital.

Always makes me laugh that they are concerned about my blood pressure being high. Having to be knocked out and having a rigid tube shoved you know where and lumps cut out and something else shoved up there afterwards and goodness knows what else and you expect me to walk in and be calm and not worried or stressed? Perhaps some people are OK with this or it comes with repeated visits (please not too many for me).

4 weeks I guess

It should be 4 weeks from now that I need to go back in and have these biopsies. I'm pretty certain that I won't have the surprise I had last time of having a second operation or even more done than the first.

The little frightening bits have started creeping in already and the dread of Hospitals, needles, being put out and catheterisation are all looming up in the distance. I haven't felt this for a while and it is actually quite disturbing and it starts to play gradually on your mind and will reach a crescendo a day or perhaps a few hours before the event. I haven't had the letter yet but 3 months is around about the 12th March.

The trouble is it affects your ability to concentrate or to be assertive and commit to things. I can feel my conversations tending towards this and so every thing is preceded by after my operation or I'm not sure if I can do that - and the reasons are, I really don't know how I'll feel this time. Last time they assured me I'd be out in a day and need the week off but to take it easy as I'd be back to bleeding and would need to take it easy etc. Doesn't help does it? Last time of course I ended up back on the 3 weeks not doing anything trip.

So there you are, I am obviously beginning to psyche myself up for the Op and 4 weeks isn't a long time. I remember straight after the treatment thinking that 3 months or a quarter of a year was a long time to wait until they found out how successful the treatment had been and here I am staring down the barrel.

Friday, February 09, 2007

Being hit by a truck

One of my more used sayings but today I feel just like that. I can barely talk (a good thing some may say) and feel pretty rough. Not sure if I picked this up going to London on Tuesday - it is the sort of thing that happens unfortunately especially if you aren't used to squeezing onto packed commuter trains that are either too hot or too cold and you are pressed against people with the cold from hell.

Yuck - now I remember why I didn't like commuting to and from London every day!

Thursday, February 08, 2007

The Moral Dilema

So I get an opportunity to go for a contract or a permanent job.

A contract job I can get away with taking time off as I don't charge my customer and so it is down to me to pay myself sick pay and all that. Do I tell prospective customer that I have BC? I suppose it isn't relevant at the moment. Only March's tests will tell me what the long term will hold. I mean if it is good news then I'll probably be off for two days a week for three weeks every six months.

Now with a permanent employer what do I do? Lets say that I get to the last round and they want to take me on - I've mentioned nothing about current health and then the HR questionnaire comes through or the request for a medical.

If you know me you know that normally I'd volunteer this information to allow the prospect the opportunity to use that in their evaluation. I have no idea if I'd be discriminated against for having Bladder Cancer but you never know do you? What would an employer think if taking someone on who potentially is going to be off having treatment at least 12 days per year and also with Cystos and consultations you could add 4 more days I suppose.

It is looking more and more likely that the best way to go is contracting. I think I'd be comfortable knowing that it wouldn't affect the customer's bottom line where the employed route would.

An interesting dilemma.

Glad I am indoors

Snow everywhere and the usual travel chaos. I came down overnight with a stinker of a cold, a real sneeze, cough, sore throat and bunged up nose jobby. Lemsips are on the way. I was going to go up to the Chemist Shop but (and how quaint is this) it is half day closing where we live. Help is at hand though - Sainsbury is open up the road. In the meantime I have eucalyptus oil burner in my room - I can't smell a damn thing though :-)

I still haven't caught up on all my work yet but I am getting there. A few more days of this and I reckon I may have it licked. I've got a stack of filing to do but once that is done everything will start to look in order at last.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

You really can

Say the word Cancer to me. Honest you can.

It is very difficult I have to admit for people to say the words and I think we have to understand that and some people have already said that they don't like the word, it stigmatises you and it paints unwanted pictures in their minds. Also for some people suffering from it they don't want anyone to know. Fair enough.

A lot of people know that in about 5 or 6 weeks I go back in for the tests to see how the treatment has worked. Tonight, I saw a number of people who I am not going to see again until May. All are wishing me well with the "next step", "the tests", "the visit", the treatment". A friend of mine said to one, "it is Cancer and you can use the word". I think perhaps that was unfair because a lot of people do have trouble with those words and I don't mind but I really prefer the word to describe what I have to be used.

However, I have said that before and it was just so marked that I still feel like a fraud as I don't look ill or anything on the outside at all. In fact, as I've said before, I look better now than I did 5 years ago. That is my opinion by the way.

So just an observation that friends and people you know as colleagues and friends of friends don't treat you different, they all wish you well but they don't want to say the word and I think that is in case they upset you. It is a shame that I had to get Cancer to understand that I could have talked to some people I knew who had cancer and talked openly about it. I wish I had but the politically correct etiquette of the world probably means you'd be taken before the Court of Human Rights if you uttered the word even beneath your breath!

Holiday gone for a ball and chalk

I have no idea where the phrase ball and chalk come from I shall go and look it up.

I was informed this evening after having spent many hours sorting out short break holidays to anywhere in Europe, in any combination of days that No.1 Daughter needs to get course work done which is at least three days during half term which, being next week, falls across Valentine's day - really easy to get a room in a Hotel or a table in a restaurant that day too.

So my holiday is going to have to wait. Also, many attractions in the UK do not even open until Easter so you couldn't go and see much if you stayed in the country. They gave me a slot of three days and frankly to drive up to Beamish or go the Lakes or go abroad is hardly worth the effort and knowing my luck if I went to France or Belgium next week it would be half day closing or something.

So I shall have to dream up some other way of taking a vacation next week? Maybe I just ought to take myself off for a few days. Anyone fancy a few days away next week?

Went OK

That wasn't half as bad as I thought. Quite an interesting evening - had a few beers (as you do) and nattered about stuff that really interests project managers. It is almost as interesting as watching paint dry - almost.

I got to use all the long words I had been practising like "Governance" "Portfolio Management" and others - cool!

Will have to see what happens on this. It could be a really interesting job. The other chap we met was also an interesting chap. I was chatting away about this job that came my way earlier for a PMO Manager (Program Management Office Manager) Ssshhh! Is that the sound of paint drying (crack, crack)?

Anyway - it transpires that it is the permanent role for the job he is contracting for. It is a damn small world out there folks.

The City has been my main stomping ground for 25 out of the 35 years I reckon and it was good to get back amongst the rude, arrogant, in your face, spend-a-lots that frequent the square mile again.

Went to one of those bars that have sprung up these days. Went to the bar - "What bitter do you have?" Answered nicely by a young Italian I think "John Smiths Smooth" - "I'll have a Peroni then please" Well it brought a smile to them all behind the bar.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Feeling a little nervous about this

How strange - I'm feeling a little nervous about the meeting today. There is no reason to be other than the over weight bit at the back of my mind and whether this sneezing fit I am having is actually a cold on the way - I hope not - I don't need that either this afternoon.

I'll be off within the hour and will take my time to wander up to the City. It is a lovely day outside although quite cold and so it will be a pleasant walk across London Bridge and up Gracechurch street to Bishopsgate.

Somewhat Quieter Morning thank goodness

I have managed to organise a few things this morning so to give myself a little bit of time. Today is the first real interview - if I can call it that - I've had for a long while. In fact, even this isn't a sit down formal interview - the last one of those I had must be about 10 years or more ago. Nearly all the work I have done has been for people I know.

Now all I need is to shoe horn myself into my suit, make sure my shoes are clean and get off to London. My schedule just keeps getting tighter though as someone else has rung up today and they are interested in me setting up a Program Office for them.

The market is more buoyant than I have seen it since the mid 90s - let's hope it stays that way.

You meet the nicest people

On the Internet. I know a lot of people and I have no idea what they look like, how they sound, where exactly they live, how old they are, who their family are or what race colour or creed they are.

Some people I do know and have met through the Internet and we have subsequently met up. Some have sent their photographs and some have shared their family history with me.

So what am I banging on about now I hear you ask? Well I got an e-mail from a lady whom I have known on the Internet for many years. We share a connection that is over 350 years old when her family and mine were refugees in London in the 1650s. Together these two friends faced adversity we could hardly even begin to understand today, life threatening reasons bonded them together and brought them to England to live their life free from the persecution they had suffered through all of their lives to that date. So we have shared our ancestry online and I got an e-mail tonight asking how I was. Now here is the rub. This lady had bladder cancer many years ago and had some serious operations to sort it out. When I wrote to her last year telling her what was going on in my life I got some great e-mails back, very supportive and they gave me some real hope that I'd get through it. You see, when you are first diagnosed, you think of the one question - HOW LONG - of course it doesn't cross your mind that these things are curable. So my Internet friend - shall we say cousin, was the first person that I knew to provide me with that comfort that this is survivable.

I think that the Internet is good for that sort of relationship - we are friends across many miles - in fact across continents. We know each other as sort of cousins in a way and we share an e-mail friendship that made a real difference to me in a dark time.

I just thought that it was worth saying that I have no idea, nor do I care about all the preconceptions type stuff here, race, religion, politics etc. It is the sentiment and the humanity in the message that are important. The warmth and friendship of the words and the way they are written are and have been a great comfort. So cut my standard cynical outlook for a moment and consider the blessing of friendship in all its forms.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Struggled through that lot

Well that is the 4 reports out of the way for the old employers. Phew that took me some time to do and there is still a little bit more I need to complete. I can then give the Laptop back and forget all about it.

I must sit down and make a list for myself of all I have to do this week and tick the stuff off. It is a nuisance having so many little things to do.

At least I have a couple of extra hours a day as I am not travelling like I was last week so I can hang on for a few more hours sorting things out.

We had to get a new suit over the weekend so I can go up to London tomorrow and "look the business". I haven't worn a suit since August or September and so it was a bit of a shock to see how tight it was. The new one was carefully bought with two trousers sizes in place so that as I lose weight I can fit into the second pair.

So much to do so little time to do it

Suddenly I have a mountain of things to do and this week is turning out to be really busy and full of time constraints as all of these things need to get done by a certain time and date.

It doesn't help that I keep getting little things added into the mix either. No sooner did you think you had one thing cleared than another thing came up or someone wants something changed. I sat at the PC most of the weekend catching up.

Whilst the room is beginning to look tidier, the desk is beginning to groan again under a weight of papers. I am hoping that a concerted effort will get rid of this lot this week and leave me free to catch up. For the first time in a long time I have e-mails outstanding and minutes and agendas and so on are all over the place.

I think the paper shredder may be working overtime later today

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Exercises & Diet

I am now up to 20 minutes three times a week. Last week took a bit of a bashing as I was out very early and back late on three days so there was a gap in the middle of the week.

I've now wound up the system so that I get a better resistance on the flywheel and I actually get to puff and sweat which is what you should do. There are a number of routines available some that increase and decrease and some that do a couple of increases and decreases but the last two look as if you are going up Everest so I'll leave those for a while as they look like serious fitness levels are required.

I am still sticking to a diet of sorts, eating much healthier - lots of fruit and veg and yogurt (Pro biotic) and nuts etc. I never had a bad diet before so it hasn't been too difficult to just adapt that. I do need to just change it slightly again now to ensure that I am not overdoing the calorie intake. I'm worried that I must eat the right things to help my recovery and I don't want to do what I used to do to lose weight. I just used to starve myself! Well I only used to eat one meal a day and that was in the evening (I know that is wrong) but that was how I used to do it.

There was a good programme on BBC2 last week about diet - I am going to pull down the information pack and read through it. Internet is wonderful for that sort of thing. Remember when you had to go to the Ceefax [age and copy out a recipe you liked? Now you go to the shows home page and print it off or download it. Cool!