I went to a local business club meeting which was nice. A great talk on Health and Safety and then some grub and some coffee. Got home. swapped the cars around and had a phone message and some of my friends were at my local - I almost pulled in for a beer on the way home too - how strange. So I dashed around to the pub.
Anyway - always good to see them and we had a couple of beers and a long chat which was good and let me get some more of my angst off of my chest.
Call from Docs in the morning so I suppose I ought to get to bed early to take it!
Feeling much better and a lot calmer now. What else can they throw at me?
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Scar Wars IV - A Scrape in Time - Delayed
Critics are having a field day as the producers of Scar Wars IV - A Scrape in Time announced a 6 to 8 week delay in premiering this long awaited for next episode of the award winning and box office smashing Scar Wars series.
Rumours that the star of the show had been booked into Rehab were firmly rebuffed by a company spokesman. "The franchise will go on with our hero as planned". It was confirmed that he "Does do all his own stunts" this accounts for the realism and gritty dialogue :-)
The Director was not available for comment and no one would further explain the plot but it was rumoured to be something to do with a scrape in the space time continuum! The company spokesman refused to be drawn into any gossip about what the next episode would hold.
Meanwhile, fans all over the world will be disappointed to have to wait longer for this latest episode.
Rumours that the star of the show had been booked into Rehab were firmly rebuffed by a company spokesman. "The franchise will go on with our hero as planned". It was confirmed that he "Does do all his own stunts" this accounts for the realism and gritty dialogue :-)
The Director was not available for comment and no one would further explain the plot but it was rumoured to be something to do with a scrape in the space time continuum! The company spokesman refused to be drawn into any gossip about what the next episode would hold.
Meanwhile, fans all over the world will be disappointed to have to wait longer for this latest episode.
What a difference a day makes
This time yesterday I was quite happy to take myself off to the Hospital (first time ever I think I've gone on my own). I was even relatively calm, I listened to the MP3 on the walk over there - all good classical stuff. The rest, as they say, is history.
I even managed the blood test (What a whole armful?).
Right - move on.. Re-planning version 3 and it is only Wednesday :-)
I even managed the blood test (What a whole armful?).
Right - move on.. Re-planning version 3 and it is only Wednesday :-)
I Still Can't Plan of course
As I now have to wait for a letter from the Hospital and the extra appointments. There was me planning stuff out for the next 6 weeks and I can't do that again as I might have to change those dates.
Knowing my luck they'll want to monitor me when I least want it. It is all out of my control again. Damn I hate that.
Health comes first but at what cost? I should stop moaning as I'm still getting paid I suppose well at least until April.
Knowing my luck they'll want to monitor me when I least want it. It is all out of my control again. Damn I hate that.
Health comes first but at what cost? I should stop moaning as I'm still getting paid I suppose well at least until April.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Resignation
Can't do anything about it I suppose so have to live with it. Sods up my life for the next 6 to 8 weeks and all the psyching myself up for today and next week has to be re-done.
I just want to know if I still have the cancer or not and whether I can get onto maintenance or not. Much of the anger has subsided, it wasn't directed at anyone in specifically. I think the family got a bit of it but not much - I did try and keep myself to myself a bit but occasionally bit off heads when rhetorical questions were posed!
Early night, back on the exercise bike in the morning and then re-plan and re-schedule everything. I wouldn't mind I've rescheduled so many things and apologised for not going to loads of things and now don't I look the arsehole?
Enough - go to bed.
I just want to know if I still have the cancer or not and whether I can get onto maintenance or not. Much of the anger has subsided, it wasn't directed at anyone in specifically. I think the family got a bit of it but not much - I did try and keep myself to myself a bit but occasionally bit off heads when rhetorical questions were posed!
Early night, back on the exercise bike in the morning and then re-plan and re-schedule everything. I wouldn't mind I've rescheduled so many things and apologised for not going to loads of things and now don't I look the arsehole?
Enough - go to bed.
I wouldn't want to cross me tonight
Talk about Mr. Angry. Strewth. I am fuming about today. I said to someone about it being the 13th as well.
It is the total expectation that you can drop everything for all these extra appointments and tests and goodness knows what else. No problems delay this, move that and I suppose I'm lucky as it doesn't make a lot of difference to me but imagine you were hanging on to your job or actually desperately needed a job and this happened to you.?
It is the total expectation that you can drop everything for all these extra appointments and tests and goodness knows what else. No problems delay this, move that and I suppose I'm lucky as it doesn't make a lot of difference to me but imagine you were hanging on to your job or actually desperately needed a job and this happened to you.?
Drat, Drat and Double Drat
Been to the GP - Nothing to worry about - well that's OK then.
Got to have a scan thing and then take it from there. I guess when they said blood test and I went sort of white and stammered something like I just had one - they did phone the hospital and get the results.
So 6 weeks delay to the Operation but hold up - it will be Thursday before they can do anything and up to two weeks before getting a monitor thing I will have to wear for 24 hours. Lets see how quickly they can pull this one around. Remember that BP and Kidneys are linked and so what every they do there may have an affect on elsewhere.
Great
SNAFU
Got to have a scan thing and then take it from there. I guess when they said blood test and I went sort of white and stammered something like I just had one - they did phone the hospital and get the results.
So 6 weeks delay to the Operation but hold up - it will be Thursday before they can do anything and up to two weeks before getting a monitor thing I will have to wear for 24 hours. Lets see how quickly they can pull this one around. Remember that BP and Kidneys are linked and so what every they do there may have an affect on elsewhere.
Great
SNAFU
Go On Punk... Make My Day!
Well that didn't go quite as planned at all. BP through the roof, it came down slowly over the time but all that pushing and poking and stuff.
Upshot - 6 weeks delay. Go to GP, go directly to GP, do not pass go, do not collect £200!
Oh sh1t. I was actually swearing a bit more than that when they told me.
I actually cannot do 6 weeks so It would have to be 7 at least. The F word has been uttered all the way home from the Hospital. I was very angry to start with but I suppose if they see any risk they won't operate. The nuisance is I now have to go and get something else done and then go back and repeat this old sh1t again.
I've completely altered schedules so that I could do this and now all those short term plans have turned to pooh as well. Back to the drawing board.
In all the excitement I can't remember if I wrote 5 blogs or 6. Seeing this is the most powerful blog in the whole world and likely to blow your head clean off you have to ask yourself whether you feel lucky?
Well? Do you feel lucky punk?
Nuff said - going to go and get angry at the pub now :-)
Upshot - 6 weeks delay. Go to GP, go directly to GP, do not pass go, do not collect £200!
Oh sh1t. I was actually swearing a bit more than that when they told me.
I actually cannot do 6 weeks so It would have to be 7 at least. The F word has been uttered all the way home from the Hospital. I was very angry to start with but I suppose if they see any risk they won't operate. The nuisance is I now have to go and get something else done and then go back and repeat this old sh1t again.
I've completely altered schedules so that I could do this and now all those short term plans have turned to pooh as well. Back to the drawing board.
In all the excitement I can't remember if I wrote 5 blogs or 6. Seeing this is the most powerful blog in the whole world and likely to blow your head clean off you have to ask yourself whether you feel lucky?
Well? Do you feel lucky punk?
Nuff said - going to go and get angry at the pub now :-)
Not Too Bad
I'm just settling down to a cup of coffee. I've done 20 minutes on the exercise bike, had a shower and just relaxing. I've checked the letter about 5 times already in case mysteriously the date or time have changed - they have not!
I'm a lot calmer than I have been leading up to this. This happens as you get near to the time and there is nothing you can do to affect the outcome so you accept it and get on with it.
Still some nerves but this is only pre-assessment and I can only guess what they are going to do based on what happened last time I went in. Scans, tests, questionnaire (I must remember to tell them about the eczema type stuff both times previous). I just hope they keep to time, that can be the most annoying thing to deal with. Of course Hospitals now make easier for you to increase your stress levels by allowing you to park on an hourly basis (for which you have the privilege of prepay) and then making you wait until just before your time is up. Then what do you do? Go and feed the meter, get a new ticket or go and have your appointment. The little twerp who thought that one up ought to be hung, drawn and quartered!
I'm a lot calmer than I have been leading up to this. This happens as you get near to the time and there is nothing you can do to affect the outcome so you accept it and get on with it.
Still some nerves but this is only pre-assessment and I can only guess what they are going to do based on what happened last time I went in. Scans, tests, questionnaire (I must remember to tell them about the eczema type stuff both times previous). I just hope they keep to time, that can be the most annoying thing to deal with. Of course Hospitals now make easier for you to increase your stress levels by allowing you to park on an hourly basis (for which you have the privilege of prepay) and then making you wait until just before your time is up. Then what do you do? Go and feed the meter, get a new ticket or go and have your appointment. The little twerp who thought that one up ought to be hung, drawn and quartered!
Switch off and survive
Is I think how I get through this stuff.
"It isn't actually happening to me"
I find that I go into these places numb now. I remember the scan being the most horrible thing that happened - only because when it happened and probably the trauma and post operative realisation of what I had as well.
Now, I switch off. You lose your dignity and your personality and you are wheeled in and out on the meat wagon. It's a factory and doesn't fit what I would have thought of as "care". It is a numbers game and you are in and out in double quick time and they push and pull you around and you are just so glad to get home. I feel like I have everything punched out of me after a few hours and I go with the flow and ride the roller coaster until it stops and I feel well enough to get off, I stop feeling sick and can balance again - then I can go home.
The whole thing just appears to be a patients go in one end and patients go out the other sausage factory.
Oh well, I will turn off my brain and body as I get there and turn on my human being features as I leave. At least I have a lunchtime appointment tomorrow that will cheer me up!
"It isn't actually happening to me"
I find that I go into these places numb now. I remember the scan being the most horrible thing that happened - only because when it happened and probably the trauma and post operative realisation of what I had as well.
Now, I switch off. You lose your dignity and your personality and you are wheeled in and out on the meat wagon. It's a factory and doesn't fit what I would have thought of as "care". It is a numbers game and you are in and out in double quick time and they push and pull you around and you are just so glad to get home. I feel like I have everything punched out of me after a few hours and I go with the flow and ride the roller coaster until it stops and I feel well enough to get off, I stop feeling sick and can balance again - then I can go home.
The whole thing just appears to be a patients go in one end and patients go out the other sausage factory.
Oh well, I will turn off my brain and body as I get there and turn on my human being features as I leave. At least I have a lunchtime appointment tomorrow that will cheer me up!
Monday, March 12, 2007
A touch of the dramatics
Out this evening with some good friends and brain kicks into life - saying "this could be the last time you see them". I say nothing to anyone as I deep down inside do not believe that.
I liked a later conversation about how much I loath going in. How tomorrow I am taking myself in on my own as I ought to face it myself. I've always had someone go with me. Tomorrow it will be different. I'll also take myself off on my own for the operation as well. It is something I need to do, in future I could be taking myself in and taking myself out.
Anyway, the interest was that we were talking odds. I reckoned that CIS is one of those things that is difficult to stage - hence they are doing biopsies. It is 80:20 on success of the BCG. Those are pretty good odds considering and given my age and levels of relative fitness, they are odds in my favour. If that fails, they can re-do the treatment and give you 50:50! All in all, if you were given those odds you'd take them and be pleased. So I'm feeling a little better about things but what it did highlight is the fundamental reason I'm so apprehensive. It's the lottery principle. Will I be a winner next Monday? If you had a 4 our of 5 chance would you take it? You see I'm not a gambler and the odds whilst stacked in my favour still mean that 1 in 5 times it would have failed - see my point?
It is the introvert and pessimist in me coming out. Many who know me would be very surprised to find I am quiet and in a room full of strangers more so. I over compensate for this later on. But the whole Cancer thing has been rather humbling. Suddenly I'm no longer in control.
Tomorrow I am going in for the assessment tests and I'll get through that one way or the other. After that I shall be able to work out if I can manage this on my own in the future.
I liked a later conversation about how much I loath going in. How tomorrow I am taking myself in on my own as I ought to face it myself. I've always had someone go with me. Tomorrow it will be different. I'll also take myself off on my own for the operation as well. It is something I need to do, in future I could be taking myself in and taking myself out.
Anyway, the interest was that we were talking odds. I reckoned that CIS is one of those things that is difficult to stage - hence they are doing biopsies. It is 80:20 on success of the BCG. Those are pretty good odds considering and given my age and levels of relative fitness, they are odds in my favour. If that fails, they can re-do the treatment and give you 50:50! All in all, if you were given those odds you'd take them and be pleased. So I'm feeling a little better about things but what it did highlight is the fundamental reason I'm so apprehensive. It's the lottery principle. Will I be a winner next Monday? If you had a 4 our of 5 chance would you take it? You see I'm not a gambler and the odds whilst stacked in my favour still mean that 1 in 5 times it would have failed - see my point?
It is the introvert and pessimist in me coming out. Many who know me would be very surprised to find I am quiet and in a room full of strangers more so. I over compensate for this later on. But the whole Cancer thing has been rather humbling. Suddenly I'm no longer in control.
Tomorrow I am going in for the assessment tests and I'll get through that one way or the other. After that I shall be able to work out if I can manage this on my own in the future.
Could be back at my old company again
It is strange how things move. I just had the conversation and agreed to go and do some of the stuff that I think I am good at :-)
It will allow me to get over this next period of uncertainty and also to be able to work part time which is probably what I need. The work probably wouldn't start until May which fits very nicely if I have to have maintenance - even if things are pretty bad - at least I'll have something to go for.
It just needs careful managing and ensuring that dates are managed between us.
Strange how these sorts of things happen. I'll be replacing two guys who left of their own accord rather than being made redundant. The funniest bit is that I'll probably be installing for the people I used to manage - how funny is that?
It will allow me to get over this next period of uncertainty and also to be able to work part time which is probably what I need. The work probably wouldn't start until May which fits very nicely if I have to have maintenance - even if things are pretty bad - at least I'll have something to go for.
It just needs careful managing and ensuring that dates are managed between us.
Strange how these sorts of things happen. I'll be replacing two guys who left of their own accord rather than being made redundant. The funniest bit is that I'll probably be installing for the people I used to manage - how funny is that?
Time Stealers and Time Wasters
It is one of the problems in management that you find your time eroded. Today, I managed to get on really well whilst I was here on my own. Since that changed progress has been slow and stop start. It drives me nuts under normal circumstances - today I am just getting nowhere fast (or rather this afternoon). The to do list has actually got two tasks longer than it was this morning and whilst I've knocked over some key stuff - more remains.
Yelling at this blog may well take some time away again but it is better than getting angry in the house.
Deep breath, let me see what I can get done in the next few hours as they will all be out again soon.
Yelling at this blog may well take some time away again but it is better than getting angry in the house.
Deep breath, let me see what I can get done in the next few hours as they will all be out again soon.
I know that
Just had the letter shoved under my nose saying when to turn up tomorrow and all the details about what I should and shouldn't do, and I if I feel feint then call.
I know that, I can read! Didn't shout, didn't say much other than I knew that. Now I feel quite queasy about it.
I am managing quite well to distract myself and keep busy but occasionally it comes right back and gets me thinking and feeling bad.
3 times in 8 months - a record even for me to be in Hospital. When I was younger I managed to rack up 12 Operations in 19 years. The last 11 between the ages of 13 and 19. You can perhaps understand why I dislike Hospitals so much. It disrupted my schooling and left me with the sounds and smells of wards imprinted on my brain. At least the wards don't smell of Ether any more. I suppose that is a bonus.
I know that, I can read! Didn't shout, didn't say much other than I knew that. Now I feel quite queasy about it.
I am managing quite well to distract myself and keep busy but occasionally it comes right back and gets me thinking and feeling bad.
3 times in 8 months - a record even for me to be in Hospital. When I was younger I managed to rack up 12 Operations in 19 years. The last 11 between the ages of 13 and 19. You can perhaps understand why I dislike Hospitals so much. It disrupted my schooling and left me with the sounds and smells of wards imprinted on my brain. At least the wards don't smell of Ether any more. I suppose that is a bonus.
1 Week to go
But who is counting? Well me for one. This time next week I'll be in bits, the clock will have slowed to a crawl, I'll be hungry and thirsty as I won't have had anything since 5 in the morning and I'll probably be on this PC playing tetris and solitaire and such things to kill time.
My MP3 player will be ready to go along with a book - I think I'll take Long Way Round by Ewan McGregor and Charley Boorman with me, it is an easy read. My case would have been packed since Sunday.
I can walk to the Hospital which will also burn up some time and some mental energy.
No doubt more fears and revelations down the week.
My MP3 player will be ready to go along with a book - I think I'll take Long Way Round by Ewan McGregor and Charley Boorman with me, it is an easy read. My case would have been packed since Sunday.
I can walk to the Hospital which will also burn up some time and some mental energy.
No doubt more fears and revelations down the week.
I was expecting a quiet week
It's the early hours of Monday morning and I have just looked at my diary/wall chart and see that I don't have a free day this week at all! Somehow I have managed to be out every day and for someone that doesn't actually have a job, I have stacks of things to do. I'm going to have to prioritise all this in the morning as I just don't know how I am going to fit it all in.
Nice to be busy I suppose?
Nice to be busy I suppose?
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Can you admit that
You are absolutely sh1t scared of what is coming up? I don't think you can really let it all out. There's the bloke bit - you don't show emotion. There's the family bit - you don't show that it could be worse than it is (not sure if this makes any shock situation worse or not?). The other thing is that you put on a "brave face" - it's all very British and "Stiff Upper Lip" etc.
However, I've had three months to stew over this - I should have been in on Monday so a week late sort of adds to the tension but, at the end of this really is that I am sh1t scared this time. I actually think I don't need to be. I know what is going to happen to me. I know the drill, I know how to get out of hospital quicker than the first time and I know my way around but that isn't what is getting to me. It is this:
1st Time - all a rush, emergency surgery - cut the cancer out and evaluate the problem. 2 days after diagnosis - wow what a rush!
2nd Time - in for biopsies (what should happen this time) wake to find heavy surgery and cleaning up previous work, lots of other wok and some retrograde stuff. Hurts like hell, feel like sh1t and really mauled about this time. BUT - halted the problems, reviewed the diagnosis and hey, actually better prognosis than after first go.
3rd time - is that real? Did the treatment work? Is the cancer contained? Oh please that it is (if it isn't - we really don't want to go there). What happens next? Is it serious or is it maintenance?
I feel that it is all going to be good news and I feel well although I can feel my body starting to get ready for the hurt.
If it isn't good news, I'll be devastated of course but I WILL get over it. I just haven't factored that into my life plan at the moment. If it is good news then that is great but it will still impact my life in such a way that I will need to find flexible employment.
Anyway, I think it is totally natural to be so scared and apprehensive. I bet they look at my BP readings on Tuesday and comment about them. I mean - knowing what I've got to go through and expecting me to be calm, rational and reasonable about it just isn't going to happen. You can rationalise a bit but you can't fight your emotions with logic all the time.
However, I've had three months to stew over this - I should have been in on Monday so a week late sort of adds to the tension but, at the end of this really is that I am sh1t scared this time. I actually think I don't need to be. I know what is going to happen to me. I know the drill, I know how to get out of hospital quicker than the first time and I know my way around but that isn't what is getting to me. It is this:
1st Time - all a rush, emergency surgery - cut the cancer out and evaluate the problem. 2 days after diagnosis - wow what a rush!
2nd Time - in for biopsies (what should happen this time) wake to find heavy surgery and cleaning up previous work, lots of other wok and some retrograde stuff. Hurts like hell, feel like sh1t and really mauled about this time. BUT - halted the problems, reviewed the diagnosis and hey, actually better prognosis than after first go.
3rd time - is that real? Did the treatment work? Is the cancer contained? Oh please that it is (if it isn't - we really don't want to go there). What happens next? Is it serious or is it maintenance?
I feel that it is all going to be good news and I feel well although I can feel my body starting to get ready for the hurt.
If it isn't good news, I'll be devastated of course but I WILL get over it. I just haven't factored that into my life plan at the moment. If it is good news then that is great but it will still impact my life in such a way that I will need to find flexible employment.
Anyway, I think it is totally natural to be so scared and apprehensive. I bet they look at my BP readings on Tuesday and comment about them. I mean - knowing what I've got to go through and expecting me to be calm, rational and reasonable about it just isn't going to happen. You can rationalise a bit but you can't fight your emotions with logic all the time.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
I draw the line at
Taking bets on the outcome of the tests. Come on guys. that is blacker than my Tee Shirt.
However, if there is still room I'd like £50 on................................
However, if there is still room I'd like £50 on................................
Just Plain Weird
I think that you have to acknowledge that if you know me - you'll have to come to this conclusion sooner rather than later.
My taste in films and music alone floor most. The absurdity of MY humour will get you if the former does not.
Tonight, I was considering the fate of the dinosaurs. Sat there eating their meal at their favourite restaurant (McDinos) and one turns to the others and asks whether they saw "Horizon" last night. "I mean, what are the possibilities of being wiped out by a gigantic asteroids and a caldera?"
If you thought that was funny - welcome to my world.
If you think that I should be locked up then join the others petitioning for that right now.
No I'm not going to tell you where to sign up of course. If I knew I'd sign up myself :-)
My taste in films and music alone floor most. The absurdity of MY humour will get you if the former does not.
Tonight, I was considering the fate of the dinosaurs. Sat there eating their meal at their favourite restaurant (McDinos) and one turns to the others and asks whether they saw "Horizon" last night. "I mean, what are the possibilities of being wiped out by a gigantic asteroids and a caldera?"
If you thought that was funny - welcome to my world.
If you think that I should be locked up then join the others petitioning for that right now.
No I'm not going to tell you where to sign up of course. If I knew I'd sign up myself :-)
Cut Price
My friend's son is working in the urology department at the moment!
Should I take his kind offer and meet him in a lay-by and get the job done real cheap?
It's tempting n'est pas? Drive out for the evening. Park up in some country lane, Headlights flash in synchronisation with theirs. A quick move to park cars next door to each other. A movement of passengers from one car to the other (and equipment). Windows steamed up and suspension creaking.
Just as you are about to get your cheap cystoscopy, a rap on the window from the local constabulary and you end up being warned for indecent exposure - no matter that you were halfway through some complicated medical procedure! Damn....
Wag tells me that they charge for Catheterisation by the inch. For me they'll make an exception and do it by the millimetre. I don't know whether to be insulted or not?
Should I take his kind offer and meet him in a lay-by and get the job done real cheap?
It's tempting n'est pas? Drive out for the evening. Park up in some country lane, Headlights flash in synchronisation with theirs. A quick move to park cars next door to each other. A movement of passengers from one car to the other (and equipment). Windows steamed up and suspension creaking.
Just as you are about to get your cheap cystoscopy, a rap on the window from the local constabulary and you end up being warned for indecent exposure - no matter that you were halfway through some complicated medical procedure! Damn....
Wag tells me that they charge for Catheterisation by the inch. For me they'll make an exception and do it by the millimetre. I don't know whether to be insulted or not?
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