Getting your life back

It is probably too early to think about that but on Thursday will I get a nod that says you can go and rebuild your life and get on with things knowing that this is what happened to you before and here is what is going to happen to you from now on?

In a way I'm slightly dreading going - I'm not sure how I will take whatever news they have for me. As I said in the previous post, perhaps it will be the impetus I need to snap out of my inactivity and sort out lots of these things that are just getting left on my desk "to be done"?

I think this time it isn't survivor's syndrome as I feel quite good about myself and I still have a very positive attitude. I'm certain it is that I am just getting nervous about the appointment on Thursday and what the outcome of that may be.

It would be good to start re-building though and to be a little bit more in control of the situation.

Passing the Milestones

Nothing I hope like passing any other sort of stones given my condition :-)

I was thinking about the fact that, I "think" I know what I am going to be told on Thursday and yet, in reality, I cannot second guess this. It is an important step to be told what is going on and to then be able to plan.

So at the moment, whilst I believe it is good news and all the indications are good, until I actually hear what my Consultant says, all bets are off. I am really in a state of limbo and unable to plan as I don't know what she is going to say to me. If it is good news then I can guess that I'll go onto Maintenance. If it is bad news then I will have to look to be doing something else.

It may be just an excuse for my inactivity it may actually be what is causing me to be like I am at the moment which is uncharacteristically indecisive, procrastinating and just not getting things finished or delaying getting things started.

I am sure that getting the answers and then knowing which way to turn will be a major milestone and will free my mind from all this conjecture and will allow me to plan ahead a bit more.

I Wonder

How many people find out that life has changed after a serious illness or some sort of event - perhaps escaping a plane crash or something like that?

I say that only in as much as I have changed and yet, family and friends have stopped me going off and doing something else. I considered that perhaps I would like to travel or live somewhere else and then realised that I would still need to have medical attention for a while yet. The considerations of enjoying the work I do are also now paramount. I do enjoy this job but if it ends tomorrow well, I can go and find something rewarding to do rather than just go for the money.

I'd somehow have felt that I would throw myself into other projects but I just don't have the energy to do them. I get easily distracted and I can (and have) sat here all day and done nothing and then wondered where the day went to. I'm still therefore not as fit mentally or physically as I think I am. Not to say that I am still ill, just not as well as my brain thinks I am.

I think that the trouble is I still feel 20 years (or more) younger than I am - my brain tells me I can climb Mount Everest and my body can hardly ascend the stairs (a bit of an exaggeration but you get the gist).

So - the mind is willing but the body is weak. I'll know this week what my future holds and perhaps then I can get some plans together and actually action them!

Whatever it takes

I've said a couple of times that despite my own squeamish nature, some of the posts in this blog are a little - well - grizzly - to say the least.

I suppose that you get a little blase about what happens to you as everyone else who has this also has these treatments and tests and challenging moments.

I remember talking to my brother and hearing him go very quiet at the end of the phone and my Mother also seeing her quite horrified by what I'd be telling her. I wouldn't tell my Dad as he would pass out :-) He and I share the same hate of anything medical!

So an apology that this blog is quite graphical in that respect and back to the title.

I was just feeling very sorry for my bladder, my prostate and my wedding tackle! My bladder has been scrapped and scratched and had cancer, followed by having to heal it self from all the scars and scabs and then - what did they do? They instilled chemicals into the bladder that are highly toxic and just when it recovers from that they take some more cuts and stick some more of this BCG in as well. It is a bit of a "Sledgehammer" and I think my Doctor called it brutal and rough.

Then every time they have inserted anything into me my Prostate has had to take a pounding and frankly because of the peculiar way the urethra is configured the insertion of anything tends to straighten that out and it needs to go back to where it originally was set.

So all in all - it feels like getting kicked in the crotch many times a year. Perhaps if all is OK it will have been worth it? I would hate to have gone through all of this just to find that you were back to square one. Some people do of course.

Given all of that - to be better you do have to do "whatever it takes"

Someone else I know with cancer woes

I met with an acquaintance yesterday and I had heard that he hadn't felt particularly well.

He has had a set of biopsies for Prostate Cancer and won't find out the results until Friday. Perhaps it is my age and so everyone around me that I'd know are more likely to start getting diseases like this. I suppose there will come a time when everyone around me is dying too.

However, I've sort of said that I'll be happy to discuss things if he wanted and that being diagnosed isn't as serious as not finding out until it is too late.

I suppose it is only natural to focus on the negatives, like I did, when you are this early in on your cancer diagnosis. It needs a lot more of us Cancer survivors to offer some support at this point in time for our friends. I really could have done with someone to talk to early on

I hope he wants to talk and that I can spend some time discussing it with him, I can also introduce him to my friends who have been through this to sort of explain what it is about and how it affected them. Like all such things, there is another dimension to this in that he is getting married in the New Year.

Someone used that cliche again yesterday that "why is it only the good guys who get cancer?" A strange thing to say - almost complimentary in a weird way :-)

The party goers have all gone

The place is a mess, there is jelly and ice cream everywhere, ripped wrapping paper, spilt drinks, half eaten pastries and the smell of beer going stale in plastic cups!

No - not really, but it is the end of our 1st birthday and time to hit the sack and see what next year brings us. It has been eventful - losing my dream job and then convincing myself to do this one. Ups and downs in my health that really were preventable and coming to terms with it all.

Tonight I have just finished preparing for a big meeting tomorrow - I am a Secretary of a Lodge and with about 200 people turning up tomorrow - things can get exciting! The good news is that I have finished working as there is a new guy taking on the DC role. He has done a lot of the work that I used to do. this is good as normally I would be up until 4 in the morning completing his work and mine.

I am looking forward to tomorrow. It will be hard work but I will meet some good friends and I'll be "asked after" which is very nice.

Finally my friend who had cancer at the same time as I did was on the phone this morning and he just wanted a rant down the phone. It is incredible just how angry people make us these days. It can get quite frustrating having to deal with people who ask dumb questions but don't listen correctly to the answers, who have trouble thinking "off script" and who are just basically dumb arses :-)

I think we were having the "is it me, or is this bloke an idiot?" type call. We were discussing Employment Agents and Agencies. I was impressed that there is new evidence to state that you can now use Agents in place of Rats and Guinea Pigs in medical research because the Scientists don't get so attached to them!

Right off to bed a big day tomorrow and I hope an enjoyable one too.

Anniversary Stat

There have been 1063 posts in the past year! That is not far short of three for each day.

Blimey :-) I wonder if they accidentally injected me with a Quill?

Happy Birthday Dear Blog

I have to say a big Thank you to my friend KP – thanks K for getting me to do this blog – it has been helpful in so many ways and it has been therapeutic. Listen up readers, that is the sort of help your friends give you that is invaluable and practical and you can leave the sympathy in one corner and deliver me that sort of support anytime.

So big breath....

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday dear Blo – og
Happy Birthday to you

I reckon that we ought to have a series of highlights like they do on TV of the best moments from the blog (my best moments that is). You can always use the comment field to vote for your favourite if you are that way inclined.


Scar Wars – Where it all started really

The Prequel – Not named Scar Wars I for some reason and published after Scar Wars II & III
http://my-bladder-cancer-journey.blogspot.com/2006/11/first-operation-or-before-i-had.html

The recovery
http://my-bladder-cancer-journey.blogspot.com/2006/11/recovery-from-operation-1.html

Scar Wars II – Revenge of the NHS
http://my-bladder-cancer-journey.blogspot.com/2006/10/scr-wars-episode-ii-revenge-of-nhs.html

The recovery II
http://my-bladder-cancer-journey.blogspot.com/2006/11/recovery-operation-2.html

Scar Wars III - The Sting in the Tale (or Tail)
http://my-bladder-cancer-journey.blogspot.com/2006/10/scar-wars-episode-iii-sting-in-tale-or.html

Scar Wars IV - Delayed
http://my-bladder-cancer-journey.blogspot.com/2007/03/scar-wars-iv-scrape-in-time-delayed.html

Scar Wars IV – A Scrape in Time
http://my-bladder-cancer-journey.blogspot.com/2007/04/scar-wars-iv-scrape-in-time.html

Scar Wars V – the one without a sub title
http://my-bladder-cancer-journey.blogspot.com/2007/10/scar-wars-v.html


Some of the funnier stuff

Kicking the Bucket and squeezing your balls
http://my-bladder-cancer-journey.blogspot.com/2007/06/kick-bucket-and-other-gems-from.html

or the Flying Catheter
http://my-bladder-cancer-journey.blogspot.com/2006/11/flying-catheter.html

At least the Hospital knows the difference
http://my-bladder-cancer-journey.blogspot.com/2007/02/laugh.html

Book or blog titles
http://my-bladder-cancer-journey.blogspot.com/2006/11/book-or-blog-titles.html

Bladder Farts
http://my-bladder-cancer-journey.blogspot.com/2006/11/bladder-farts.html

My Favourite and one dedicated to KP who takes credit for getting me up to write the blog – He wasn’t sure what you needed bleach for when you were being treated His line of questioning made an assumption that you used bleach on your todger. To KP I dedicate this answer!
http://my-bladder-cancer-journey.blogspot.com/2006/11/what-you-do-with-bleach.html

And Finally with the Olympics in mind I leave you with
http://my-bladder-cancer-journey.blogspot.com/2006/11/peeing-for-england-or-team-gb.html Peeing for England


The events of the past 15 months have altered the way I feel about myself and all those around me, how I interact with my world and how I express myself. I’m glad to have had the opportunity to share my experiences and I’ll continue the blog as long as it serves the dual purpose of healing me and bring help and I hope some enjoyment to others.

Here is a little test for you to do

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes1.htm

I am an INTJ personality type. Earlier in the week, given that I took this test 3 years ago, my friend and I decided that we felt that we had changed our personalities because of having lived through cancer Well – spookily enough I haven’t.

That really surprised me as I would have said my attitude had changed incredibly but that’s my attitude not the way I think and act. So how about you?

Finally, in the past year I have learnt to understand my condition and to roll with the shots. Even now, when I think I have climbed the next hill and gotten off the Roller Coaster, something else comes along and challenges that. It really isn’t something that you had yesterday and is gone today. Cancer isn’t the frightening and scary word it used to be – not nice but it isn’t as you expect it to be.

I am impressed with how much I have moved on and with how well I am compared to just a year ago. Then I was just about to start BCG treatment for CIS, I was warned to expect things to be quite shocking and I ended up working from home most of the time. Now, the CIS has gone, the precancerous areas have gone and it looks as if the next stages will be to make sure that it never comes back again. I hope so, I hope life changes to become less of a daily think about bladder cancer, how it affects me and what it does to me and more about living, getting on with life and building on the blessings I’ve had thus far.

A friend questioned whether I actually thought I would die. The answer is that yes I did early on, then I found out more and realised that I could survive this and I was expecting to have radical stuff done to make that happen and gradually I came back from that brink over the period of the treatments and those dangers are receding.

A thought passed through my head driving this week that as I passed through the lovely countryside with its autumns colours, the thought questioned how many Autumns I would see. The number 15 popped into my head. A year ago I would have settled for that, now I would be severely disappointed it that were the case. However it did make me think that I should appreciate everything that much more as I have probably seen more Autumns than I am going to.

On that sober note. I leave wishing you happy 1 year’s reading and let's do it again this coming year.

Beginning to relax a bit now

All is clear again and so I am beginning to relax. The hesitation in going to the toilet is strange - almost as if catching your breath I often wonder why you'd do that considering that there isn't an awful lot you can do if you happen to be bleeding anyway. Strange.

So I am hopeful of continued progress. I really wanted to go to London to see a friend of mine receive his London Honours up at United Grand Lodge. I cancelled just in case. A hard decision but a realistic one when it comes to it.

I had quite forgotten that my wife and youngest were off to see Billy Elliott this evening in London so I have spent the evening at home. I thought that I would catch up on some of my films on DVD but the phone has been ringing off the hook this evening.

Next time perhaps.

A big day tomorrow

Yes I can hardly wait. It is the Blog's first birthday. There will be a special blog entry tomorrow to mark the fact and I guess some celebration too. I can't imagine that jelly and ice cream are going to be on the party table but perhaps a retrospective instead.

Clear Again and an interesting thing

Thankfully today was clear again and so I am getting a little more confidence that it was my own stupid fault I was bleeding again last weekend. You never stop learning and everyone says "take you time" and yet I felt I was fit enough to start exercising again.

Anyway, so things are better - great.

Now the interesting thing. Do you think that your personality type changes after you have been through a traumatic or life threatening experience?

I would have said yes, it does. My friend on Tuesday also felt that he had changed. Well, here is the surprise. I re-did my Myers Brigg test and surprisingly I am still the same type INTJ. Certain percentages have changed but not massively. My friend too has changed very little except in one area. The "J" part is Judgmental - both of us showed a rise in this area.

So, what has changed then? I guess attitude. I need to ask my daughter who is taking Psychology to tell me why this would be.

Off Limits

No matter how much I pour myself into this blog, there are bits that are bound not to appear, there are blogs that I have written, read the next day and pulled and there are many that just never get past the edit.

It is pretty obvious then that there was a blog I wrote a minute ago that didn't get to be published and that is because it goes too deep or opens me up too much or is, in my view, very personal about myself or my family.

Over the past year I like to think that these have been kept to a minimum and I reckon 20 would be about right.

So the earlier blog - was about insurance and payouts and then got morbid and didn't seem relevant somehow. Others would be where my soul would be fully on view or the very black stuff from a long time back. I think it would be fair to mention it and refer loosely to it but to share some of it really isn't for here.

So with this rather sombre blog I'll close for the night.

Something is paved with good intentions

I wasn't going to do any work today was I! Well by 10 O'clock, there were e-mails to deal with and then a couple of contracts and a letter of intent, someone hadn't got an address so I had to find that and suddenly it was 4 O'clock and the pile of stuff I was promising myself to do is still there.

I must make time for myself. If I learnt one thing it was that things can get done without me but, I look and act well so it is back to normal.

I am actually going to pack up now, walk away from the screens and go and sit downstairs and hopefully fall asleep for an hour I lost so much sleep last night and with the early calls this morning didn't really catch up.

If there is anything that I can say has changed in the past 15 months it is that my stamina isn't there any more. I know I am not fit but I can do something about that when they let me and I don't go off injuring myself. I eat properly and yet I get tired quickly. It takes a long time to repair your body and to get everything in balance. I've seen what can happen if you get any of these wrong and so I just have to be patient and build back slowly.

I also have to remind myself that I am 50 despite the act that my brain thinks I am 30 still.

That is better

A fitful night's sleep. Then two early morning phone calls which were enough to drive me mad - both people who had forgotten something and needed to ask me what to do! So up with the lark and so much for a lie in today :-)

I'm still clear this morning and I am taking a day off of work and concentrating on resting and relaxing as everyone else in the company are on training duties!!

One of the callers wanted me to pop into London which I declined.

Hoping for a good - quiet and restful day

Perhaps cancel all engagements

I am seriously considering not doing a couple of things I have planned for later this week. I have something on at the weekend that I must do and I need to make sure I am ready for that. I was planing to go to London later this week but, really, if I am honest with myself, perhaps I ought not to do it.

It will mean letting a friend down but then I know he will understand why.

I just caught myself running up the stairs and thinking afterwards - FOOL! I just don't feel ill or anything I actually feel very well and so making myself slow down and taking it easy just don't work.

A blip NOT a setback

So I am reliably informed by a friend of mine. A blip is something minor which this is.

I was out with my friend who had cancer and we had a very long and enjoyable lunch. He now knows what has been giving him a rough time and that is great as he can work towards sorting that out

I am happily peeing as normal and have been all day. It is quite a relief I can tell you.

I should have been at the Out patients today but that is now next week so I suppose that is some relief, I can explain what happened and probably will get told off for not taking things easy!!

Feeling a lot better and my mate and I set the worlds to right, had a nice lunch and a couple of beers and coffees. A nice day and so far even better without any traces of blood or anything else.

Overnight Report

All is OK this morning - I had a couple of trips to the toilet - drinking as much as I do these days, an overnight visit isn't unusual The late night and early morning ones are clear, the first one wasn't but it also wasn't a bad one.

Today I am taking it easy and seeing how I get on.

Blimey - done it again

Some more bleeding and a few bits of debris.

Bit of an idiot and should have taken it easy tonight. Will monitor this and take some action if it carries on I actually think that I need to consider doing a bed rest day or two to stop this and also plenty of liquids.

I knew I'd overdone it as soon as I carried those cases up the stairs.

Trying to take it easy

Not as easy as you think though. I just humped three heavy bags up the stairs before I thought about what I was doing!

I go back to some of my earlier blogs that mention how you don't feel unfit or even look it until you try something that you really shouldn't have done.

As someone said to me tonight it is a bit like a hysterectomy (I didn't think it was but his words not mine!) Told not to pick up things or do anything for 6 weeks, you feel OK, lift something and put yourself back to where you started and begin all over again!

I hope that I have learnt my lesson!

Ongoing but minor

Well it appears that generally things have settled down although a large lump came flying out a little earlier - at least nothing like Saturday's episode. I wonder if being hunched up over my desk isn't helping? I need to be drinking more liquid but don't tend to do that in the office.

At least I am out for some of the day tomorrow. I'm with my friend who has had and gotten rid of his Cancer problems - but not the aftermath and the Black Dog bits.

It will be an interesting day of discussing treatments, how we feel, how our brains are coping and so on.

I'm looking forward to getting out and perhaps cheering myself up a bit. I haven't lost my general cheery outlook but my confidence did take a sever knock with this last episode.