I decided that I would have to have Friday off as I am still feeling not all there and I need to get in touch with a load of people to sort out arrangements before I go into Hospital.
With my colleague off at work and all sorts of things going on it is just amazing how quickly time is pouring away.
I am out tomorrow to a meeting in London. More after the event. It will be at a Livery Hall and to a Livery Lodge which I am looking forward to immensely. It will be my first speaking engagement for the Charity outside of the Forum I did earlier but I will be flying solo tomorrow.
I am certainly feeling the pace at the moment. I finished my assignment for my Uni course and got that in tonight. I feel quite good about it. It could have been better but I really enjoyed doing it and I am sure that the next ones will only get harder. At least it is a major worry off my back and I don't need to do another until January which is cool.
At least another long weekend coming up to try and solve the tiredness problems - I really could sleep for a week.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
A day back at work
Felt like poo to start with. Tired and yawning all day but managed to get through a load of work but somehow feel empty and not really great about things.
My poor colleague has been in the wars. We may see him for a day or two next week but thereafter he will probably be out until 2009. In 3 or 4 weeks so will I!
Why on earth have I taken on all of this stuff when I have been ill? Sorry it is rhetorical I think. I've done it to occupy the time and take my mind off things. I really fancy going to the Tarn area of France and spending 3 months soaking up the atmosphere, Fois Gras, Monbazillac and Cahors wines. Sitting by the pool and reading a series of books. That is what I really fancy right now - whether I can afford it is another matter!
My poor colleague has been in the wars. We may see him for a day or two next week but thereafter he will probably be out until 2009. In 3 or 4 weeks so will I!
Why on earth have I taken on all of this stuff when I have been ill? Sorry it is rhetorical I think. I've done it to occupy the time and take my mind off things. I really fancy going to the Tarn area of France and spending 3 months soaking up the atmosphere, Fois Gras, Monbazillac and Cahors wines. Sitting by the pool and reading a series of books. That is what I really fancy right now - whether I can afford it is another matter!
Go on - one more screw won't hurt
Like hell it wont. Gee how much more can I absorb this week. Loads of things happening and I am trying like mad not to get too much as I am due in Hospital on the 9th December and I've less than a month to get all these things sorted out. I'm going to go pop like a balloon I reckon.
I'm ending up with so many things to do and I am the one who is meant to be ill and should be in recuperation mode :-)
DOH!
I have a special meeting on Thursday night that I hope will go down well and I've got to have Friday off so I can catch up. My assignment is due in Thursday and I should have started the next module by now and it is half way through the week.
Oh well - I always did like working to deadlines....
I'm ending up with so many things to do and I am the one who is meant to be ill and should be in recuperation mode :-)
DOH!
I have a special meeting on Thursday night that I hope will go down well and I've got to have Friday off so I can catch up. My assignment is due in Thursday and I should have started the next module by now and it is half way through the week.
Oh well - I always did like working to deadlines....
Monday, November 10, 2008
Time it is just accelerating away
I picked up far more work than I really needed tonight. I've got home with a list of things to do and there is hardly anytime left to fit it in.
Suddenly there is a wall of work and muggins is going to have to find time to do that and in four weeks realistically. After that who knows what I'll be like after my operation? I'm thinking that I'll need a good week off at least after that and whilst I might be able to work on some stuff I wont be up to much as I can't sit in the office chair for long periods.
I've still got some time to come off from work so I can use that and I have almost completed my assignment for this side of Christmas but will need to keep up with my studies and I am about 3 days behind which is a worry I need to get back on track.
There are many competing things going on for me and prioritising them and ensuring all the balls are in the air is going to be interesting. I think that things are slightly quieter at work or should be and I'll find out tomorrow as I need to plan the next 4 weeks out with them too.
It will all get done of course. It always does :-)
Suddenly there is a wall of work and muggins is going to have to find time to do that and in four weeks realistically. After that who knows what I'll be like after my operation? I'm thinking that I'll need a good week off at least after that and whilst I might be able to work on some stuff I wont be up to much as I can't sit in the office chair for long periods.
I've still got some time to come off from work so I can use that and I have almost completed my assignment for this side of Christmas but will need to keep up with my studies and I am about 3 days behind which is a worry I need to get back on track.
There are many competing things going on for me and prioritising them and ensuring all the balls are in the air is going to be interesting. I think that things are slightly quieter at work or should be and I'll find out tomorrow as I need to plan the next 4 weeks out with them too.
It will all get done of course. It always does :-)
Heady and Tired
Well, it still feels as if there is a cold trying to get out of me but it is as if it is trapped in a small concentration at the back of nose and throat. It is quite a strange sensation. I feel the smallest headache and as if I am about to come down with a cold with this "feeling" high up in my nose and yet that is all there is.
I had a pretty poor night's sleep and didn't go to work. It worries me that it is easier not to go but I made myself do that. Some time ago, I probably blogged about it, I realised that it isn't worth fighting my way into work if I feel like a bag of poo when I get there. Also it isn't worth making myself worse or exposing myself to more risk trying to do it. Prior to this I'd have turned up with my arm cut off but these days it isn't worth doing that. Whilst my immune system may be firing on all cylinders I don't want to test it on anything other than doing its job.
I had a pretty poor night's sleep and didn't go to work. It worries me that it is easier not to go but I made myself do that. Some time ago, I probably blogged about it, I realised that it isn't worth fighting my way into work if I feel like a bag of poo when I get there. Also it isn't worth making myself worse or exposing myself to more risk trying to do it. Prior to this I'd have turned up with my arm cut off but these days it isn't worth doing that. Whilst my immune system may be firing on all cylinders I don't want to test it on anything other than doing its job.
Sunday, November 09, 2008
Feeling rough
For the first time in a very long time I actually feel unwell. I may get tired and depressed and run down but I don't often feel ill. Tonight I do and that is surprising as the Immunotherapy seems to have kept everything away from me for a while.
It may just be a glitch and nothing to worry about. I'll see how I am in the morning.
We had a bit of a shock in the house on Saturday morning - perhaps it is that? Not going to say a lot about that but I really could have done without a weekend of upheaval when I am trying to get my assignment finished.
It may just be a glitch and nothing to worry about. I'll see how I am in the morning.
We had a bit of a shock in the house on Saturday morning - perhaps it is that? Not going to say a lot about that but I really could have done without a weekend of upheaval when I am trying to get my assignment finished.
How your mind works
Tonight a good friend showed me some photos of his party 17 years ago.
I did and didn't recognise him. You see how he looks to me today is how he has always looked.
Not sure if that makes sense but that is how it is or was to me. You see, my father and my Uncles have always looked like their most recent pictures. You don't notice the passage of time even over quite long periods.
Tonight we were reminded that some of the people I knew when I was initiated into the Lodge 26 or so years ago are in fact very old men now. They are frail and in their late 70s and 80s but they have always looked liked they are tonight....
I do not recognise the passage of time with my friends that I meet a lot - we all grow older together.
My friends photographs of 17 years ago were so different and he looked SO young it was almost impossible to reconcile with how I remember him. To me he looks today like he looked then.
The mind does some interesting tricks in this respect n'est pas?
I did and didn't recognise him. You see how he looks to me today is how he has always looked.
Not sure if that makes sense but that is how it is or was to me. You see, my father and my Uncles have always looked like their most recent pictures. You don't notice the passage of time even over quite long periods.
Tonight we were reminded that some of the people I knew when I was initiated into the Lodge 26 or so years ago are in fact very old men now. They are frail and in their late 70s and 80s but they have always looked liked they are tonight....
I do not recognise the passage of time with my friends that I meet a lot - we all grow older together.
My friends photographs of 17 years ago were so different and he looked SO young it was almost impossible to reconcile with how I remember him. To me he looks today like he looked then.
The mind does some interesting tricks in this respect n'est pas?
What part did I NOT make clear
I find that there are a number of times that I go the extra mile and let people have their head and let them get away with more than they should.
My reward - in many cases - is to get screwed for letting them take the extra inch and make it into a mile.
I've always let everyone have the benefit of the doubt because - once in a while they pay you back and reward you. It makes up for the 99 who shit on you. I got dumped on today and I find that unacceptable as I went way beyond the extra mile to accommodate their stupidity.
Sometimes, I wish that I'd just tell people in the first instance to shove off and not take the second insult from them.
People are very disappointing to me these days.
Maybe I expect them all to have the same standards that I adhere to?
Maybe I am too old fashioned myself?
My reward - in many cases - is to get screwed for letting them take the extra inch and make it into a mile.
I've always let everyone have the benefit of the doubt because - once in a while they pay you back and reward you. It makes up for the 99 who shit on you. I got dumped on today and I find that unacceptable as I went way beyond the extra mile to accommodate their stupidity.
Sometimes, I wish that I'd just tell people in the first instance to shove off and not take the second insult from them.
People are very disappointing to me these days.
Maybe I expect them all to have the same standards that I adhere to?
Maybe I am too old fashioned myself?
Saturday, November 08, 2008
A different way of looking at things
A guy I knew once told me that he needed to "mess with his brain" - well actually he put it a bit more crudely than that. What he meant was he needed the challenge all the time to make him tick. he didn't do social niceties and he didn't do friends (the people not the show) that much etc.
I'm just doing my first assignment for my Foundation Course but also finishing off the section on Paul Cezanne. Now, before I'd spent much time on this, I'd have told you that the guy surely couldn't command the sort of respect when (and I have actually seen some in the flesh) he couldn't paint and that there was little that made me want to get involved in the picture. Interesting because anyone who knows me does know that I try and give everything a fair chance and if it doesn't float my boat I'll just move on.
So Cezanne; what can I say but a new way of looking at it. It isn't a 2D flat, did you run out of paint half way through? Type of view now. I'd never ever thought of art as emotion on a canvas. A Dutch Master like Vermeer - now that was always my view of the world and suddenly it is quite liberating to "get it" after all these years. Cezanne's work now looks very different indeed after going back and looking at it again with fresh eyes. Bring it on!! :-)
I find this whole learning process messing with MY brain - and do you know what? It's really great. I feel quite cheated that my old school and the system never gave me this opportunity when I was younger. In a way some of that is my fault too but you don't get it when you are a kid and certainly not when you were turfed out of school at 16 into the real world to go get a job.
Better late than never and I hope it opens my mind to some more of this that tears down my long held views and makes me look at things differently. Who knows what will happen next?
I'm just doing my first assignment for my Foundation Course but also finishing off the section on Paul Cezanne. Now, before I'd spent much time on this, I'd have told you that the guy surely couldn't command the sort of respect when (and I have actually seen some in the flesh) he couldn't paint and that there was little that made me want to get involved in the picture. Interesting because anyone who knows me does know that I try and give everything a fair chance and if it doesn't float my boat I'll just move on.
So Cezanne; what can I say but a new way of looking at it. It isn't a 2D flat, did you run out of paint half way through? Type of view now. I'd never ever thought of art as emotion on a canvas. A Dutch Master like Vermeer - now that was always my view of the world and suddenly it is quite liberating to "get it" after all these years. Cezanne's work now looks very different indeed after going back and looking at it again with fresh eyes. Bring it on!! :-)
I find this whole learning process messing with MY brain - and do you know what? It's really great. I feel quite cheated that my old school and the system never gave me this opportunity when I was younger. In a way some of that is my fault too but you don't get it when you are a kid and certainly not when you were turfed out of school at 16 into the real world to go get a job.
Better late than never and I hope it opens my mind to some more of this that tears down my long held views and makes me look at things differently. Who knows what will happen next?
Amelie and assorted French Films
Well you never thought I was going to be someone who thought Top Gun was a good film now did you?
I have just watched one of my favourite films - Amelie - it always cheers me up and ties me in knots at the end. It is a lovely little film but best watched in French without the sub titles if you can manage it.
Delicatessen would probably be up there with City of Lost Children, Belleville Rendezvous and A Very Long Engagement.
Of course there are others that I like watching but these tend to pull me back more often than not as I enjoy the unusual plot and the wonderful photography involved.
Anyway, it was a nice change to sit uninterrupted for a few hours, on my own watching a film that I could concentrate on. It makes a change.
I have just watched one of my favourite films - Amelie - it always cheers me up and ties me in knots at the end. It is a lovely little film but best watched in French without the sub titles if you can manage it.
Delicatessen would probably be up there with City of Lost Children, Belleville Rendezvous and A Very Long Engagement.
Of course there are others that I like watching but these tend to pull me back more often than not as I enjoy the unusual plot and the wonderful photography involved.
Anyway, it was a nice change to sit uninterrupted for a few hours, on my own watching a film that I could concentrate on. It makes a change.
Friday, November 07, 2008
Friday Reflections
It has been a busy old week one way and another. Luckily I have had time off in between and recovered from the late nights. It is one of the surprising things to me that even now my ability to do more than a couple of late nights gives me so many stamina problems but then I am getting old and I've had a good reason why I'm not as fit as I used to be.
Certainly this week has been easier because I planned to take time off, like today, to compensate for being out, having big meals and having a few glasses of wine with them.
In a few weeks time I'll hopefully be getting towards the end of the major part of my journey. If all is clear the BCGs will stop, the operations will stop to be replaced by scope inspections (not nice but at least you get checked out). 2009 may well start with a new vision and perspective on life. I still think that I'm not really settled on what I want to do maybe I need to wait to hear the news and find out what it is before committing or deciding on anything.
Certainly this week has been easier because I planned to take time off, like today, to compensate for being out, having big meals and having a few glasses of wine with them.
In a few weeks time I'll hopefully be getting towards the end of the major part of my journey. If all is clear the BCGs will stop, the operations will stop to be replaced by scope inspections (not nice but at least you get checked out). 2009 may well start with a new vision and perspective on life. I still think that I'm not really settled on what I want to do maybe I need to wait to hear the news and find out what it is before committing or deciding on anything.
Thursday, November 06, 2008
Today - Interesting and curiously uplifting
I had a half day off and went to a lunch time gathering and met a lot of really nice people and bumped into someone I know.
It was nice to meet a group of people from a number of shared interests and had a nice meal and a chat. I got invited to go and give a talk to them in March and that will be good.
I feel a lot better and I have tomorrow off but have plenty to keep me occupied. I find that towards the end of the week I do get tired but these odd days I have had off have made a clear difference. I managed to get a few hours sleep in the chair when I got in but I had a few glasses of wine at lunchtime and that is pretty fatal that way!
All in all a bit better in terms of getting my head around things and a lot got sorted out today which was great. A number of projects are coming together nicely and I am going to be busy in the next few weeks.
My friend and colleague isn't very well though and is back in Hospital - probably in the same ward I was in. He is not at all well and came out only to return a day later. I hope they fix him up. I am picking up his stuff but I am due in soon - maybe 3 weeks time :-(
I don't mind picking up his work but if he gets caught up on long term illness and I disappear for a week or two it will give the charity a few headaches.
It was nice to meet a group of people from a number of shared interests and had a nice meal and a chat. I got invited to go and give a talk to them in March and that will be good.
I feel a lot better and I have tomorrow off but have plenty to keep me occupied. I find that towards the end of the week I do get tired but these odd days I have had off have made a clear difference. I managed to get a few hours sleep in the chair when I got in but I had a few glasses of wine at lunchtime and that is pretty fatal that way!
All in all a bit better in terms of getting my head around things and a lot got sorted out today which was great. A number of projects are coming together nicely and I am going to be busy in the next few weeks.
My friend and colleague isn't very well though and is back in Hospital - probably in the same ward I was in. He is not at all well and came out only to return a day later. I hope they fix him up. I am picking up his stuff but I am due in soon - maybe 3 weeks time :-(
I don't mind picking up his work but if he gets caught up on long term illness and I disappear for a week or two it will give the charity a few headaches.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
See it another way
The previous post is a bit strange unless you actually know me.
Consider that for 2 1/2 years all you have to focus on is battling something you can't see, that is treated in perhaps the way that you can't really believe it "ought" to be treated and it is all rather horrible. Now imagine that you protect yourself by screening it all out and then that you don't have any plans left other than getting better.
When you start getting better things have actually changed a LOT. You are a different person in many respects, you have changed mentally and physically and now you think about it, you really want everything to be better now. All sorts of things should be better too but the disappointment is that they aren't and aren't likely to get better.
So there is the dilemma. Through the past 2 1/2 years there is every possibility that you've destroyed existing relationships and friendships and of course you have made new ones but nothing will ever be the same again and you really don't know what you want anymore.
It isn't a single thing either that will help. Being fitter and healthier may not help my mental state and vice versa. It is all about getting the balance right. I haven't got the balance right and at the moment I am struggling to find out where the correct place is. I'm sure it is all part of the process. Most of these things are.
Consider that for 2 1/2 years all you have to focus on is battling something you can't see, that is treated in perhaps the way that you can't really believe it "ought" to be treated and it is all rather horrible. Now imagine that you protect yourself by screening it all out and then that you don't have any plans left other than getting better.
When you start getting better things have actually changed a LOT. You are a different person in many respects, you have changed mentally and physically and now you think about it, you really want everything to be better now. All sorts of things should be better too but the disappointment is that they aren't and aren't likely to get better.
So there is the dilemma. Through the past 2 1/2 years there is every possibility that you've destroyed existing relationships and friendships and of course you have made new ones but nothing will ever be the same again and you really don't know what you want anymore.
It isn't a single thing either that will help. Being fitter and healthier may not help my mental state and vice versa. It is all about getting the balance right. I haven't got the balance right and at the moment I am struggling to find out where the correct place is. I'm sure it is all part of the process. Most of these things are.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
See I'm not mad
I enjoy talking to my fellow survivors. I went out tonight with a good friend and we got around to talking about this problem with the dreams, the fatigue, the not really satisfied with life bit, the lack of sleep, the way people treat you and the caution we both have. Then there is the reticence to get closely involved with anyone - all sounds strange unless you have been through the mental and physical fun of cancer.
I'm no nearer an answer for you but it goes something like this....
I'm not satisfied with what I have now, I feel it is all going to fall down and disintegrate around me and if that happens I'll tear down the walls and re-build. I have absolutely no idea what it is that I want now. I haven't thought through what would make me happy, how I want to live, what I want to do and where I want to go, to live, to work or anything.
I know that any ideas I do have are scrutinised and examined from every angle and I don't do off the cuff things, it isn't in my nature. To do anything different involves dragging a mile of baggage with me.
I'm not "screwed up" but having something like BC kind of makes you question everything and you are presented with questions like "Well, if you feel you haven't really lived and you have survived for a purpose. What is that purpose?" Now imagine all the variants of that question to surround your working, social and home life, multiply that by 100 and you can get an idea of the questions buzzing around in my head most of my waking hours.
It is pretty obvious that I don't have an answer to this at the moment but it is worth understanding how screwed up you get. Another common thing we both discovered was that we don't "get" people anymore. In other words, we don't react to signals from people in the same way we used to so cannot recognise a come on, a go away or any other sort of subtle inflection.
Interesting about the darkness and intensity of the dreams and nightmares and whether they are real or imagined. Some can merge with reality as if something actually happened and yet you know instinctively that it couldn't. It is very strange.
Anyway, what will be will be and it is just interesting that we are both having similar struggles.
I'm no nearer an answer for you but it goes something like this....
I'm not satisfied with what I have now, I feel it is all going to fall down and disintegrate around me and if that happens I'll tear down the walls and re-build. I have absolutely no idea what it is that I want now. I haven't thought through what would make me happy, how I want to live, what I want to do and where I want to go, to live, to work or anything.
I know that any ideas I do have are scrutinised and examined from every angle and I don't do off the cuff things, it isn't in my nature. To do anything different involves dragging a mile of baggage with me.
I'm not "screwed up" but having something like BC kind of makes you question everything and you are presented with questions like "Well, if you feel you haven't really lived and you have survived for a purpose. What is that purpose?" Now imagine all the variants of that question to surround your working, social and home life, multiply that by 100 and you can get an idea of the questions buzzing around in my head most of my waking hours.
It is pretty obvious that I don't have an answer to this at the moment but it is worth understanding how screwed up you get. Another common thing we both discovered was that we don't "get" people anymore. In other words, we don't react to signals from people in the same way we used to so cannot recognise a come on, a go away or any other sort of subtle inflection.
Interesting about the darkness and intensity of the dreams and nightmares and whether they are real or imagined. Some can merge with reality as if something actually happened and yet you know instinctively that it couldn't. It is very strange.
Anyway, what will be will be and it is just interesting that we are both having similar struggles.
What next then?
I've cleared out one of my tasks. The last time I have to arrange the dining and seating plan for one of my Lodges as I finish off as Assistant Secretary and move on to be Chaplain tomorrow. In a way I am looking forward to giving this up. With all the treatments and other things going on I haven't always made the meetings but I have always been able to do the table plan and sorted that out.
the Chaplain is a less active role but I have picked up another role in another Lodge which I will be appointed to in a few weeks time which involves a bit more travelling and doing but it shouldn't be bad - just three meetings to go to over the year.
I could easily be out every night of the week the way things are going. There are invites all over the place and I'm out again next week and another two times this week - make that three as I am now out tonight as well.
Phew....
I'd rather not be a professional Mason though :-) It seems a bit crazy - all those nice meals and glasses of beer and wine - I imagine that I'd be in Hospital for a few more problems to do with my health if I did that!
the Chaplain is a less active role but I have picked up another role in another Lodge which I will be appointed to in a few weeks time which involves a bit more travelling and doing but it shouldn't be bad - just three meetings to go to over the year.
I could easily be out every night of the week the way things are going. There are invites all over the place and I'm out again next week and another two times this week - make that three as I am now out tonight as well.
Phew....
I'd rather not be a professional Mason though :-) It seems a bit crazy - all those nice meals and glasses of beer and wine - I imagine that I'd be in Hospital for a few more problems to do with my health if I did that!
A Day Off - Reflections
It was a late one last night and I'm glad I took the day off today. Now what I must do is to make the most of it.
I tend to sit here at my PC and rattle through the work I have. I've a bit to do that is urgent and that I can clear up. The remainder can be left and I need to catch up on my course work which has suffered a bit this past week.
I'm feeling a lot more my normal self and yet there is something not quite right. Mind you that has been there for a long while and it is a combination of mental and physical side effects and in addition there is the coming out of the other side of this trauma to deal with. As you emerge from a couple of years of the upset, worry, fear, uncertainty and doubt you realise that whilst you have aspirations, what you didn't have were any long terms plans and in a way things just aren't the same on all levels. I went in to this journey as a high flyer who had made a significant change in his business and moved from a business owner to an employee and I've come out doing something a lot different. Bladder Cancer has changed my life, my health and my long term plan lies ripped to shreds somewhere back along the road I've come along.
I'm going to have to be brutally honest with myself in the very near future and take some steps to decide what I'm going to do next. As much as I love the job I'm in, I am so under utilised. I'm not sure that I'm emotionally stable enough to go back into the hard world of IT Programme Management or Business Management for a while. Here again is one of the things robbed from me by Bladder Cancer. That hard edged, get it done, can do attitude that made engaging me economic sense, was knocked out of me not only by the BC but also the "business" that I worked for last year. So many people disappoint me these days with their trivial unhelpful and divisive ways.
Do I actually want a full-time job? Actually no I don't - I've come to value running my own business and the opportunities to take periods of time off as and when I wanted.
Lots of things to sort out and this year is running out fast. I need to spend some time thinking about this and doing something positive. I think I make a big difference doing what I do at work, it feels right and yet?
All my "get up and go" has "got up and went" :-)
I tend to sit here at my PC and rattle through the work I have. I've a bit to do that is urgent and that I can clear up. The remainder can be left and I need to catch up on my course work which has suffered a bit this past week.
I'm feeling a lot more my normal self and yet there is something not quite right. Mind you that has been there for a long while and it is a combination of mental and physical side effects and in addition there is the coming out of the other side of this trauma to deal with. As you emerge from a couple of years of the upset, worry, fear, uncertainty and doubt you realise that whilst you have aspirations, what you didn't have were any long terms plans and in a way things just aren't the same on all levels. I went in to this journey as a high flyer who had made a significant change in his business and moved from a business owner to an employee and I've come out doing something a lot different. Bladder Cancer has changed my life, my health and my long term plan lies ripped to shreds somewhere back along the road I've come along.
I'm going to have to be brutally honest with myself in the very near future and take some steps to decide what I'm going to do next. As much as I love the job I'm in, I am so under utilised. I'm not sure that I'm emotionally stable enough to go back into the hard world of IT Programme Management or Business Management for a while. Here again is one of the things robbed from me by Bladder Cancer. That hard edged, get it done, can do attitude that made engaging me economic sense, was knocked out of me not only by the BC but also the "business" that I worked for last year. So many people disappoint me these days with their trivial unhelpful and divisive ways.
Do I actually want a full-time job? Actually no I don't - I've come to value running my own business and the opportunities to take periods of time off as and when I wanted.
Lots of things to sort out and this year is running out fast. I need to spend some time thinking about this and doing something positive. I think I make a big difference doing what I do at work, it feels right and yet?
All my "get up and go" has "got up and went" :-)
Oyster
In the UK it is a travel card. A didn't have credit on hers so borrowed mine. Tonight, when I actually need it, I get off miles away from home to find that my card doesn't work. When I open the holder there is no card at all. A BIG queue behind me and I have to find £2 in a hurry.
Thanks a lot! Just what I needed after a long day and close to midnight was to be the only one in a suit, and finding no card in the wallet where I left it.
Just dandy. Not happy at all. Ruined a good evening I'm afraid.
Thanks a lot! Just what I needed after a long day and close to midnight was to be the only one in a suit, and finding no card in the wallet where I left it.
Just dandy. Not happy at all. Ruined a good evening I'm afraid.
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Flat
I feel absolutely flat today. I enjoyed watching the F1 and had a reasonable day but I just don't feel great.
I've got a nice week coming up but cannot get up for it and feel quite strange. I wrote on a piece of paper. Future? Beside that I added the job I am in, the jobs I used to have and whether or not I would be happy having a permanent job next year. I actually don't think I would, despite the stability that would come with it. I'm not certain at this point in time what I want to do - and there's me fretting about why my daughter cannot decide :-)
I'm feeling quite down and cannot quite fathom why that should be really. It doesn't make sense but I ought to realise that things don't make a lot of sense these days.
Could it have been going out with a different crowd last night, perhaps reliving my misspent youth! I haven't felt quite this depressed for a long time and it isn't "black dog" stuff, it is more a wearisome tiredness and a lack of enthusiasm for anything at the moment.
I'm going through mid life crisis and all those questions and ideas - you know - pack it all in and go and live in the country and all that stuff. Life, Job, the Universe and all those things.
I'm hoping a good night's sleep and meeting some friends tomorrow might cheer me up and I have got Tuesday off so that may help? I can hardly believe it though as right now I am quite close to tears and all choked up and I have absolutely no idea why that should be? I know it says it on the Post Cancer Fatigue fact sheet I now have but I do find these occasional lapses unnerving and a little distressing. I certainly wouldn't like to be feeling like this at work or out somewhere.
I've got a nice week coming up but cannot get up for it and feel quite strange. I wrote on a piece of paper. Future? Beside that I added the job I am in, the jobs I used to have and whether or not I would be happy having a permanent job next year. I actually don't think I would, despite the stability that would come with it. I'm not certain at this point in time what I want to do - and there's me fretting about why my daughter cannot decide :-)
I'm feeling quite down and cannot quite fathom why that should be really. It doesn't make sense but I ought to realise that things don't make a lot of sense these days.
Could it have been going out with a different crowd last night, perhaps reliving my misspent youth! I haven't felt quite this depressed for a long time and it isn't "black dog" stuff, it is more a wearisome tiredness and a lack of enthusiasm for anything at the moment.
I'm going through mid life crisis and all those questions and ideas - you know - pack it all in and go and live in the country and all that stuff. Life, Job, the Universe and all those things.
I'm hoping a good night's sleep and meeting some friends tomorrow might cheer me up and I have got Tuesday off so that may help? I can hardly believe it though as right now I am quite close to tears and all choked up and I have absolutely no idea why that should be? I know it says it on the Post Cancer Fatigue fact sheet I now have but I do find these occasional lapses unnerving and a little distressing. I certainly wouldn't like to be feeling like this at work or out somewhere.
Blinding Set
What a great evening at the Charterhouse School. G2 played a fantastic set. A shame we had a few wallies who felt that they could sing better but they were silenced for the second set thank goodness. A great evening.
Mind you, driving all that way was a bit traumatic as I have to say my bladder doesn't hold itself together like it used to following all these treatments. So it was a bit touch and go and we had to make an emergency call for me on the way. I decided not to have a drink at the bar at half time and that seems to have worked out for me :-)
So I am home and wide awake at 1 in the morning and had just a few beers before we went. Sober - amazing.
It sure is good to get out occasionally...
Mind you, driving all that way was a bit traumatic as I have to say my bladder doesn't hold itself together like it used to following all these treatments. So it was a bit touch and go and we had to make an emergency call for me on the way. I decided not to have a drink at the bar at half time and that seems to have worked out for me :-)
So I am home and wide awake at 1 in the morning and had just a few beers before we went. Sober - amazing.
It sure is good to get out occasionally...
Saturday, November 01, 2008
Well here I am 1 year to the day
It is 1 year since I got the first all clear. To write it is to choke on the words slightly. It probably means as much today as it did then.
What a difference in the day it is too. Last Year I was sitting outside as it was so sunny. I was also drinking rather heavily too as I remember and I had lots of friends to come along and meet me.
I was a bit slow the next day to say the least!
A lot of things have happened and if you'd have told me that within a few weeks of getting the all clear that the business that I had been investing in for most of the year was to come crashing down around my ears and that I'd end up working for a charity I'd have probably laughed at you.
However, that is what happened and I can't say that it isn't for the best really. I was getting pretty wound up about the idiots I had to deal with and sooner or later it would have exploded somewhere else.
In the last year I have been coming to realise what it is like to be cancer free and yet, I probably feel more vulnerable now than I did when I had cancer. I'm about to have another Operation and if that is clear then we really are getting somewhere. Bladder Cancer is one of those annoying cancers that can recur and so you tend to have to come to terms with the fact that it might be back. However, on the flip side, if it stays away long enough you really do have a good chance of not getting a recurrence.
So coming to terms with uncertainty is one thing. Coming to terms with the fact that you suffer a type of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder affect because of what you went through is also something I didn't think I'd have to come to terms with. Foreshortening my career, such as it was, is probably a good thing but the power, money and thrill of what I used to do are all things I no longer have and so I miss those elements and yet, not having them should be good for me.
I'm gradually getting used to the job I am in but I hate the regularity of it and the commuting and the 9 to 5 element. They don't do fully flexible working and it halts my ability to be as dynamic as I'd like. If anything, that will be the make or break on the job when I come to make a decision in early 2009 whether I want to continue. It is a great job but I can do more. They are lovely people and I enjoy their company and their enthusiasm for the work but - it just doesn't buzz as a commercial concern does.
These results are important and a second clear will be all the encouragement I need to prepare myself for the next stage which has got to be getting myself away from niggling doubts and moving away from the PTSD or Post Cancer Fatigue towards becoming fitter and healthier. I'm hoping that my studies will be of some help but this week they have gone by the way as so much has happened and I am left with next week to get that done and my assignment. I think I can get back on track with that though as long as I spend sufficient time doing that and not being distracted.
Tonight I am off with some friends to see a tribute band G2 and I am looking forward to it immensely.
What a difference in the day it is too. Last Year I was sitting outside as it was so sunny. I was also drinking rather heavily too as I remember and I had lots of friends to come along and meet me.
I was a bit slow the next day to say the least!
A lot of things have happened and if you'd have told me that within a few weeks of getting the all clear that the business that I had been investing in for most of the year was to come crashing down around my ears and that I'd end up working for a charity I'd have probably laughed at you.
However, that is what happened and I can't say that it isn't for the best really. I was getting pretty wound up about the idiots I had to deal with and sooner or later it would have exploded somewhere else.
In the last year I have been coming to realise what it is like to be cancer free and yet, I probably feel more vulnerable now than I did when I had cancer. I'm about to have another Operation and if that is clear then we really are getting somewhere. Bladder Cancer is one of those annoying cancers that can recur and so you tend to have to come to terms with the fact that it might be back. However, on the flip side, if it stays away long enough you really do have a good chance of not getting a recurrence.
So coming to terms with uncertainty is one thing. Coming to terms with the fact that you suffer a type of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder affect because of what you went through is also something I didn't think I'd have to come to terms with. Foreshortening my career, such as it was, is probably a good thing but the power, money and thrill of what I used to do are all things I no longer have and so I miss those elements and yet, not having them should be good for me.
I'm gradually getting used to the job I am in but I hate the regularity of it and the commuting and the 9 to 5 element. They don't do fully flexible working and it halts my ability to be as dynamic as I'd like. If anything, that will be the make or break on the job when I come to make a decision in early 2009 whether I want to continue. It is a great job but I can do more. They are lovely people and I enjoy their company and their enthusiasm for the work but - it just doesn't buzz as a commercial concern does.
These results are important and a second clear will be all the encouragement I need to prepare myself for the next stage which has got to be getting myself away from niggling doubts and moving away from the PTSD or Post Cancer Fatigue towards becoming fitter and healthier. I'm hoping that my studies will be of some help but this week they have gone by the way as so much has happened and I am left with next week to get that done and my assignment. I think I can get back on track with that though as long as I spend sufficient time doing that and not being distracted.
Tonight I am off with some friends to see a tribute band G2 and I am looking forward to it immensely.
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