I've never seen my blood pressure so high as today at the doctors. I mean very high with a bottom reading way over 120! The upper near 200. That's ridiculous and totally unexpected I have to say. So I need to keep a serious check. I know that going to the doctors is easily 20 points over on both readings - I just hate the environment and I hate the association I have with the place - every time I've ever been there I've been ill (OK I know) but there you go...
So it fell off and went to about 15 or 20 points off normal but even so it was quite a shock but I also noticed my heart rate was way over 100 too which is pretty swift.
I'm surprised because I really don't have any of the usual things to give me high blood pressure, in fact, the opposite and last year I was recording below average recordings. This year, with changing my diet I expected it to be much lower. I've also felt, rightly or wrongly, that the diet I'm on should reduce my BP. So - tomorrow is a further review of the diet, exercise and to start checking my blood pressure on a regular basis.
Its a bit annoying I have to say as I was doing so well on my diet and so I think I need to do some drastic action to sort this out. I think I've got the hang of juicing now and can tolerate some of the stronger concoctions out there. Additionally, I have the right sort of vegetables and the right sort of quantity to ramp this up. I was surprised to see that I've done about half my 15Kg bag of carrots in a week! Mind you, if I can find a local supplier who can do similar prices I will be pleased. I think that I need to rethink some of the other stuff I am doing and just make a few more alterations to the diet.
Tomorrow I'll do some more research and checking and then set myself off on a stricter regime and get to tackle some exercise again. That allied to diet will sort things out.
Saturday, February 04, 2012
Friday, February 03, 2012
The ups and downs of Cancer
Just spoke to my mum and it is time that the Macmillan Nurse was called on to come and have an initial chat. The trouble is that the time to "accept" what is coming down the line hasn't arrived and whilst I don't think dad is in denial, he certainly doesn't want to reflect on this subject at the moment and I guess we have to respect that. Sooner or later it will have to be discussed but if he doesn't think that time is now then we can't do a lot about it I guess.
So there's a thing - I just reread the paragraph above and I didn't write death once did I - we are crap at discussing death aren't we :-) But that too is the point, we aren't very good at dealing with these things and whilst it would be a useful thing for dad it would also be very good for mum too to start to understand and cope with what is coming down the line as she will bear the brunt and day-to-day.
In reality, he will find, like I did, that it needs to be your decision when you come to terms with these things and what to do about them. I do hope that he will get the nurse in to see him soon for reassurance if nothing else and to set some sort of expectations. For example, he feels dizzy occasionally and weak and tired and these are worrying but part of the journey and I think that the nurse would be able to just set the scene and if asked they won't have to discuss end of life at the first visit.
So there's a thing - I just reread the paragraph above and I didn't write death once did I - we are crap at discussing death aren't we :-) But that too is the point, we aren't very good at dealing with these things and whilst it would be a useful thing for dad it would also be very good for mum too to start to understand and cope with what is coming down the line as she will bear the brunt and day-to-day.
In reality, he will find, like I did, that it needs to be your decision when you come to terms with these things and what to do about them. I do hope that he will get the nurse in to see him soon for reassurance if nothing else and to set some sort of expectations. For example, he feels dizzy occasionally and weak and tired and these are worrying but part of the journey and I think that the nurse would be able to just set the scene and if asked they won't have to discuss end of life at the first visit.
So what to do....
We had a conference call tonight and it sounded to me as if my colleagues were almost resigned to the fact that we may not get any finance - which is a bit negative considering we've only been at it for about 6 weeks and that includes the Christmas break....
But there is a point there that the market is a bit flat at the moment and that unless you've just come out of University you can't be taken seriously as an Entrepreneur! :-) Of course that may be completely wrong but the money appears to be going into stuff that lots of other people are doing, nothing new or radical and lots of me me projects.
So having said that I was left with an evening of wondering what I might like to do for the rest of my working life! I've had enough travelling and enough sharp end stuff and yet as someone told me today; the experience that I have and knowledge of start ups ought to be put to good use somewhere - I'm not sure I can bring myself to work hard for anyone other than myself.
I really hadn't thought about the possibility until now that we may not get finance. I'm still expecting it to take 6 or more months and hence I've been arguing that it is all a numbers game. You can't win a raffle without buying some tickets and the more tickets you buy the better chance you have of winning. To decide not to explore some avenues of finance because you assume that it won't be useful isn't exploring all the options or buying the tickets. I'd rather explore the avenues and be told no than not to and wonder if.
I suppose that somewhere the line needs to be drawn and we are almost clear on where and what that is now. We just have to agree it because there comes a time when you hit the law of diminishing returns. I hope though that we will give the US a go as they have a much better VC scene than we do in the UK and it appears that people there really understand business a little better than the cautious bunch here.
So - what could I possibly do? I still have the initial set-up for the genealogy business and that wouldn't take too long to set up and get moving. It may be difficult initially to catch up on the 3 or 4 years changes in the market place but I'm sure that is one possibility. Alternative ideas will need to be thought about I suppose. I'm certain that I'll come up with something to do that I will enjoy rather than just work at. Well I've got time to decide and explore.
But there is a point there that the market is a bit flat at the moment and that unless you've just come out of University you can't be taken seriously as an Entrepreneur! :-) Of course that may be completely wrong but the money appears to be going into stuff that lots of other people are doing, nothing new or radical and lots of me me projects.
So having said that I was left with an evening of wondering what I might like to do for the rest of my working life! I've had enough travelling and enough sharp end stuff and yet as someone told me today; the experience that I have and knowledge of start ups ought to be put to good use somewhere - I'm not sure I can bring myself to work hard for anyone other than myself.
I really hadn't thought about the possibility until now that we may not get finance. I'm still expecting it to take 6 or more months and hence I've been arguing that it is all a numbers game. You can't win a raffle without buying some tickets and the more tickets you buy the better chance you have of winning. To decide not to explore some avenues of finance because you assume that it won't be useful isn't exploring all the options or buying the tickets. I'd rather explore the avenues and be told no than not to and wonder if.
I suppose that somewhere the line needs to be drawn and we are almost clear on where and what that is now. We just have to agree it because there comes a time when you hit the law of diminishing returns. I hope though that we will give the US a go as they have a much better VC scene than we do in the UK and it appears that people there really understand business a little better than the cautious bunch here.
So - what could I possibly do? I still have the initial set-up for the genealogy business and that wouldn't take too long to set up and get moving. It may be difficult initially to catch up on the 3 or 4 years changes in the market place but I'm sure that is one possibility. Alternative ideas will need to be thought about I suppose. I'm certain that I'll come up with something to do that I will enjoy rather than just work at. Well I've got time to decide and explore.
Thursday, February 02, 2012
Mmmm
Derek Jarman - there's a director to worry the hell out of you. I remember one film by him. It was called Blue and I remember watching it, for what it was. It could be pretentious nonsense I suppose but I related to it and watched it in glorious stereo.
Here is a link to the information about the film Wiki and IMDB
What I liked were these words:
"In time,
No one will remember our work
Our life will pass like the traces of a cloud
And be scattered like
Mist that is chased by the
Rays of the sun
For our time is the passing of a shadow
And our lives will run like
Sparks through the stubble. I place a delphinium, Blue, upon your grave"
Now it's a bit avant garde perhaps and so you stare at a screen that at first view appears to be solid blue for 80 minutes. The thing is that in isolation and you should just immerse yourself in this film (perhaps understanding the background before you see it) and I felt that the screen was changing but it is the music and dialogue that you should listen to.
There are many people who believe Jarman was just a pornographer. And yet War Requiem is another piece of work to see that should leave you with a long remembered experience around the futility of war and there is the wonderful scoring of Benjamin Britten's "War Requiem" and Wilfred Owen's poetry.
I realise that much of the work I enjoy is not mainstream by any stretch of the imagination and another film that I think everyone should see perhaps just once is The Passion of the Christ directed by Mel Gibson. I've watched it just once and it had a profound and lasting impact on me. I have bought the DVD and it sits next to my chair waiting for the right moment, when I think I can handle the emotional wrenching, the tearing at my humanity and poking my very belief system. For what you see is the last hours of Christ's life. You see the unimaginable torture that his own people put him through. The passion (and I use the real meaning of that word) is probably the most brutal thing you will ever see in your life. It is shocking and it feels as if you are part of the mob at one time and part of the crowd, unable to stop this punishment and yet drawn to it through revulsion. I found it the most upsetting thing I thin I have ever seen in or out of the cinema. I felt every lash and was left completely and utterly drained after watching it. that's why it is sitting near to my seat - I'm working up the guts to see it again for if anything would be a glowing advert for Christianity, it would be this film. I say that from a lapsed Christian point of view.
Having seen the film and its depiction of the passion it should strengthen your belief I think and like many films which attract the loony fringe - they really ought to see how close it is to the original scripture before flying off the handle. I reckon it;s the best advertising the church could have if only they were to take their heads out of their arses and view it for what it was. Kudos to Mel Gibson for having the brass balls to go and make this film.
Here is a link to the information about the film Wiki and IMDB
What I liked were these words:
"In time,
No one will remember our work
Our life will pass like the traces of a cloud
And be scattered like
Mist that is chased by the
Rays of the sun
For our time is the passing of a shadow
And our lives will run like
Sparks through the stubble. I place a delphinium, Blue, upon your grave"
Now it's a bit avant garde perhaps and so you stare at a screen that at first view appears to be solid blue for 80 minutes. The thing is that in isolation and you should just immerse yourself in this film (perhaps understanding the background before you see it) and I felt that the screen was changing but it is the music and dialogue that you should listen to.
There are many people who believe Jarman was just a pornographer. And yet War Requiem is another piece of work to see that should leave you with a long remembered experience around the futility of war and there is the wonderful scoring of Benjamin Britten's "War Requiem" and Wilfred Owen's poetry.
I realise that much of the work I enjoy is not mainstream by any stretch of the imagination and another film that I think everyone should see perhaps just once is The Passion of the Christ directed by Mel Gibson. I've watched it just once and it had a profound and lasting impact on me. I have bought the DVD and it sits next to my chair waiting for the right moment, when I think I can handle the emotional wrenching, the tearing at my humanity and poking my very belief system. For what you see is the last hours of Christ's life. You see the unimaginable torture that his own people put him through. The passion (and I use the real meaning of that word) is probably the most brutal thing you will ever see in your life. It is shocking and it feels as if you are part of the mob at one time and part of the crowd, unable to stop this punishment and yet drawn to it through revulsion. I found it the most upsetting thing I thin I have ever seen in or out of the cinema. I felt every lash and was left completely and utterly drained after watching it. that's why it is sitting near to my seat - I'm working up the guts to see it again for if anything would be a glowing advert for Christianity, it would be this film. I say that from a lapsed Christian point of view.
Having seen the film and its depiction of the passion it should strengthen your belief I think and like many films which attract the loony fringe - they really ought to see how close it is to the original scripture before flying off the handle. I reckon it;s the best advertising the church could have if only they were to take their heads out of their arses and view it for what it was. Kudos to Mel Gibson for having the brass balls to go and make this film.
Wednesday, February 01, 2012
Discovering Philip Glass
There was a programme on last night and I happened into it. It was a documentary following Philip Glass and whilst I knew who he was I hadn't really listened to his work (knowingly). Of course that started to change after the documentary that had me captivated by this man whose work is just amazing. He reminds me of one of my favourite artists Michael Nyman and I've lots of his work and enjoy many of his films scores especially the Piano, the Draughtsman's Contract, The Thief, His Wife, The Cook and Her Lover, ZOO A Zed and Two Noughts and so on.
However, I have just invested in a DVD that was partially shown called intriguingly Powaqqatsi and of course the I found out that some of his music was in a film that I also enjoy, the Truman Show.
The documentary showed Glass' spiritual side and I was intrigued by his complex music and his relationship with conductor, orchestra and chorus. It was one of those evenings when suddenly a whole new avenue of music and culture opened up to me. There was work with world culture musicians including Ravi Shankar.
So I'm looking forward to the film and to surround myself in the music and the cinematography. I imagine A will like it as she is of an "artistic bent". I very much doubt that Mrs. F. or L will see it for anything other than a load of noise and a film with no dialogue :-)
I felt quite embarrassed that I had only achieved what I have now where this man was just the most amazing dynamo of a man - sure he has frailties and has suffered some serious knocks but he had just gone out there and "done it". I feel in some ways that this is the "American Dream" that you can make something of yourself because it is OK to fail in the US. Here, if you fail you get kicked into the gutter. If you make it, you still get kicked in the teeth. We don't understand the "dream" we don't get that working hard gets you there one way or the other. When people succeed in this country you are just as likely to get attacked by the envious hordes who feel that they somehow should share in success even though they've been no part of the building or achievement of it. Rather than acknowledge those who have built such enterprises or climbed the heights and achieved something, they find every reason to tear it down and trash it.
The quick buck and the destruction of self built people and there on screen was this genius who got ripped to shreds by the critics in his earlier career proving them all wrong. I'm captivated by his music and am really looking forward to getting the film and sitting alone listening to it!
However, I have just invested in a DVD that was partially shown called intriguingly Powaqqatsi and of course the I found out that some of his music was in a film that I also enjoy, the Truman Show.
The documentary showed Glass' spiritual side and I was intrigued by his complex music and his relationship with conductor, orchestra and chorus. It was one of those evenings when suddenly a whole new avenue of music and culture opened up to me. There was work with world culture musicians including Ravi Shankar.
So I'm looking forward to the film and to surround myself in the music and the cinematography. I imagine A will like it as she is of an "artistic bent". I very much doubt that Mrs. F. or L will see it for anything other than a load of noise and a film with no dialogue :-)
I felt quite embarrassed that I had only achieved what I have now where this man was just the most amazing dynamo of a man - sure he has frailties and has suffered some serious knocks but he had just gone out there and "done it". I feel in some ways that this is the "American Dream" that you can make something of yourself because it is OK to fail in the US. Here, if you fail you get kicked into the gutter. If you make it, you still get kicked in the teeth. We don't understand the "dream" we don't get that working hard gets you there one way or the other. When people succeed in this country you are just as likely to get attacked by the envious hordes who feel that they somehow should share in success even though they've been no part of the building or achievement of it. Rather than acknowledge those who have built such enterprises or climbed the heights and achieved something, they find every reason to tear it down and trash it.
The quick buck and the destruction of self built people and there on screen was this genius who got ripped to shreds by the critics in his earlier career proving them all wrong. I'm captivated by his music and am really looking forward to getting the film and sitting alone listening to it!
Hovering between
Good and bad at the moment - having some serious doubts about the way things are going work wise and having to argue a point over and over again when it needs 20 minutes work to sort something out and get it worked out and sorted.
So on a balance of being up and down which is never good for me, I'm as likely to tell you to sod off as I am to agree with you when I am in this mood - some say that's what makes me pretty much someone you want on your team but many people roundly dislike being told in that sort of fashion what their choices are and in such binary ways. I get fed up dancing to a political tune and I get even more pissed off when for the sake of being a little bit flexible and going with a touch of intuition this can all be sorted and squared. I find that it is inconsistency that annoys me and the slight move of emphasis which changes the game although you are being told that nothing has changed and that policy is being evenly and fairly employed.
So - up and down and not the ideal way for me to have to discuss things when subtle rule changes have occurred.
So on a balance of being up and down which is never good for me, I'm as likely to tell you to sod off as I am to agree with you when I am in this mood - some say that's what makes me pretty much someone you want on your team but many people roundly dislike being told in that sort of fashion what their choices are and in such binary ways. I get fed up dancing to a political tune and I get even more pissed off when for the sake of being a little bit flexible and going with a touch of intuition this can all be sorted and squared. I find that it is inconsistency that annoys me and the slight move of emphasis which changes the game although you are being told that nothing has changed and that policy is being evenly and fairly employed.
So - up and down and not the ideal way for me to have to discuss things when subtle rule changes have occurred.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
The Late Mr. Fox
As we suspected, Mr. Fox (or Mrs. - I'm not sure) passed away overnight and I called the council this morning, bagged him or her up and it is now awaiting collection from outside the house. At least I don't have to bury it or take it to the woods for nature to dispose of. I feel a little sad that the RSPCA didn't want to intervene - they would probably have had to put the poor little creature down but at least it wouldn't have suffered. I dislike foxes (as one of my earlier blogs states) with avengance but it would have been humane for them to come out - they could easily have netted the poor thing.
Anyway, it's over now and I've got that sorted which will please Mrs. F and A - I always have to clear up anything that is dead including the Hamsters, Birds and whatever else may have come to grief in our garden.
Oh well, that done, I can get on with the rest of my day.
Anyway, it's over now and I've got that sorted which will please Mrs. F and A - I always have to clear up anything that is dead including the Hamsters, Birds and whatever else may have come to grief in our garden.
Oh well, that done, I can get on with the rest of my day.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Poor Mr. Fox
We found a Fox in a pretty poorly state outside the kitchen door. We rang the RSPCA who told us to approach it with a broom and it sort of half struggled away to half way down the garden before collapsing in a heap its back legs not working too well at all and it did look pretty mangy :-( Apparently they could do nothing to ease the poor creature's pain unless it was still and easy to catch. Well it only has two legs working as far as I can see and hasn't moved much during the day. It's bitterly cold tonight and so I'll have to see what it is like in the morning. If I had (or was allowed) a gun I'd put the thing out of its misery. It's quite distressing as no one wants to know - and I thought that an association that was against cruelty to animals might be able to assist!
Oh well - I'll see tomorrow what is to be done about it, if the poor creature is still alive that is.
So - my back - still twinging and giving me jip. I will have to download that software that makes you take a break every 40 minutes. I've been stuck here thrashing away at the PC for hours and really should be taking time off and away.
I did manage to get juicing a lot today and found that raw beetroots are pretty potent. I did two in my first juice - mixed with carrot and a drop of ginger and lemon. It looked like Dracula ought to drink it :-) It was actually quite a difficult drink too as the power of the beets is something else so I know that I only need to use one of them - it's a bit like when I used too much ginger to start with last week! I am now hardly eating anything for lunch and didn't really want much for tea either. I think that I am training myself to eat smaller portions and I am filling up with juice and water during the day which is working. I was looking at some photos of myself a month ago and I've lost a fair amount of weight. Not only around my stomach but around my neck too. There's more to go of course but it is a pretty good start considering I've probably only been doing this for a few weeks.
I intend to continue this as long as possible so that I can get to a position to restart my exercise and try and get into some sort of routine (something my job never lets me do - I'm working now at gone 11 at night!).
Right I'd better crack on.
Oh well - I'll see tomorrow what is to be done about it, if the poor creature is still alive that is.
So - my back - still twinging and giving me jip. I will have to download that software that makes you take a break every 40 minutes. I've been stuck here thrashing away at the PC for hours and really should be taking time off and away.
I did manage to get juicing a lot today and found that raw beetroots are pretty potent. I did two in my first juice - mixed with carrot and a drop of ginger and lemon. It looked like Dracula ought to drink it :-) It was actually quite a difficult drink too as the power of the beets is something else so I know that I only need to use one of them - it's a bit like when I used too much ginger to start with last week! I am now hardly eating anything for lunch and didn't really want much for tea either. I think that I am training myself to eat smaller portions and I am filling up with juice and water during the day which is working. I was looking at some photos of myself a month ago and I've lost a fair amount of weight. Not only around my stomach but around my neck too. There's more to go of course but it is a pretty good start considering I've probably only been doing this for a few weeks.
I intend to continue this as long as possible so that I can get to a position to restart my exercise and try and get into some sort of routine (something my job never lets me do - I'm working now at gone 11 at night!).
Right I'd better crack on.
A visit to see my Dad
I hate to say it but it wasn't a great success overall in going to see my dad. By that I mean that there isn't a lot to say at the moment and there isn't anything revealing or earth shattering about his terminal disease and my visit. Strong words? Not really, just the fact that apart from dad looking older not much else changes, we do the pleasantries and we pass the time of day but things are mush as they ever were and we chat like families do, see how we are all getting along together and that's about it really. It's not what I thought it would be - not that I've really thought about what I thought it would be, I just thought it would be different.
I complained about my dad some 18 months ago as he was distracted by the TV during one of my visits and today the TV was on non stop from the moment we arrived until the moment we left. I'm guessing that 4 of us (not the normal 2) is difficult to deal with but in many ways it was pretty much an unusual situation for the whole of us to be together. I'm sure that the visit was appreciated and it is maybe just me not feeling great about it.
We've never been a family to do much more that have a chat, we aren't particularly cuddly or kissy - I've noticed that it's something we've never really done. So it's all a bit stilted and like some Jane Austen novel :-) No really it is quite an effort, we chit chat and do the formalities but essentially, that's where it stays, we discuss health and so on but invariably its the same old thing and I feel sometimes as if I am "doing my duty" rather than anything else.
In many ways, the problem I suppose is one surrounding how would you meet your end? I don't see my dad having a bucket list or anything like it, no ambitions, no regrets (I hope he doesn't have any - I hope not - but we wouldn't discuss that anyway). I think that he will continue to sit and watch TV, potter around the house and stay within the confines of the house and garden until time comes and takes its course. It isn't my life and it isn't my call. It is his life and his call and that's the be all and end all of it. My brother doesn't always get that and he probably never will, his own situation will not allow it.
Somehow, I've got to come to terms with it myself - you see I still feel a bit heartless and a bit uncaring and find that it isn't because I'm like that, it's just that it is the way it has always been. I've seen my parents more often in the last 6 months than I've seen them in the last 6 years. I find that I'm building up a bit of guilt, getting arranged to go and see them and then finding that it was a bit of a let down in a way. I hope they don't feel that but in a way what am I actually achieving? A bit of moral support for the folks which is fine. A bit of light relief for my mum, she needs it as he is very demanding (always was but is more so now).
Then I get home and I feel like sh1t too, there's nothing changing here no revelation no insight-fullness no completion no conclusion, no closure. That's the absurdity of the situation, I see someone who is heading for the conclusion of their life and that's it really - the outlook was for him to die around about now and yet he is far from that I think, he is doing OK, weak of course but steady at the moment with the palliative operation being successful, the diabetes under control and diet and everything else is now in balance and control. Freedom from the house has been removed by surrendering the car - and rightly so - there was no way that he could drive it and where would they go in it? He doesn't want to go anywhere - although we got him to the supermarket and back, that's it.
I pile the guilt on to myself and yet things are out of my control entirely. I thought today as we made our way up in the fog and mist towards my parents, a more out of the way place in the middle of nowhere at all you couldn't wish to find - if you were helplessly lost you'd never get as far away as this place. What on earth made them up sticks and be so far away and in such a miserable place (I suppose us city folk find the remote wilderness they call countryside in the damp, cold and fog could be called miserable!).
If there was an upside to this it was that we went to our favourite farm shop and we stocked a boot full of vegetables for just £13. I got a 15Kg bag of Carrots which should keep me in juice for a little while plus some raw beets (yes I know to watch out for those...) and loads of other stuff too. Looking forward to having a juicing fest this week.
I complained about my dad some 18 months ago as he was distracted by the TV during one of my visits and today the TV was on non stop from the moment we arrived until the moment we left. I'm guessing that 4 of us (not the normal 2) is difficult to deal with but in many ways it was pretty much an unusual situation for the whole of us to be together. I'm sure that the visit was appreciated and it is maybe just me not feeling great about it.
We've never been a family to do much more that have a chat, we aren't particularly cuddly or kissy - I've noticed that it's something we've never really done. So it's all a bit stilted and like some Jane Austen novel :-) No really it is quite an effort, we chit chat and do the formalities but essentially, that's where it stays, we discuss health and so on but invariably its the same old thing and I feel sometimes as if I am "doing my duty" rather than anything else.
In many ways, the problem I suppose is one surrounding how would you meet your end? I don't see my dad having a bucket list or anything like it, no ambitions, no regrets (I hope he doesn't have any - I hope not - but we wouldn't discuss that anyway). I think that he will continue to sit and watch TV, potter around the house and stay within the confines of the house and garden until time comes and takes its course. It isn't my life and it isn't my call. It is his life and his call and that's the be all and end all of it. My brother doesn't always get that and he probably never will, his own situation will not allow it.
Somehow, I've got to come to terms with it myself - you see I still feel a bit heartless and a bit uncaring and find that it isn't because I'm like that, it's just that it is the way it has always been. I've seen my parents more often in the last 6 months than I've seen them in the last 6 years. I find that I'm building up a bit of guilt, getting arranged to go and see them and then finding that it was a bit of a let down in a way. I hope they don't feel that but in a way what am I actually achieving? A bit of moral support for the folks which is fine. A bit of light relief for my mum, she needs it as he is very demanding (always was but is more so now).
Then I get home and I feel like sh1t too, there's nothing changing here no revelation no insight-fullness no completion no conclusion, no closure. That's the absurdity of the situation, I see someone who is heading for the conclusion of their life and that's it really - the outlook was for him to die around about now and yet he is far from that I think, he is doing OK, weak of course but steady at the moment with the palliative operation being successful, the diabetes under control and diet and everything else is now in balance and control. Freedom from the house has been removed by surrendering the car - and rightly so - there was no way that he could drive it and where would they go in it? He doesn't want to go anywhere - although we got him to the supermarket and back, that's it.
I pile the guilt on to myself and yet things are out of my control entirely. I thought today as we made our way up in the fog and mist towards my parents, a more out of the way place in the middle of nowhere at all you couldn't wish to find - if you were helplessly lost you'd never get as far away as this place. What on earth made them up sticks and be so far away and in such a miserable place (I suppose us city folk find the remote wilderness they call countryside in the damp, cold and fog could be called miserable!).
If there was an upside to this it was that we went to our favourite farm shop and we stocked a boot full of vegetables for just £13. I got a 15Kg bag of Carrots which should keep me in juice for a little while plus some raw beets (yes I know to watch out for those...) and loads of other stuff too. Looking forward to having a juicing fest this week.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Hell of a week
I was in a furious mood on Tuesday, no particular reason as far as I can tell - I would have quite easily ripped your arm off and beat you with the wet end, quite easily in fact :-) It's been a full on heavy schedule and I've been the bottleneck in the process. That's been obvious and I have been struggling to keep up. To be honest there has been a lot of ground to cover and a lot of distractions - well meaning I'm sure - but distractions nonetheless.
I'm feeling well, I'm beginning to feel slimmer and fitter and a lot better than I have for ages and ages as the diet and the change in the way I consume food kicks in. Juicing is a bit of an "acquired taste" as sometimes it looks like I'm drinking a pint of mud :-) Generally it is the greens getting all mixed up with the base juice (I tend to favour carrot) and that's just the colour but it is also a strange taste - we are used to having our vegetables cooked and whole. When you juice them you separate the juice from the fibre and so you are getting a super hit of nutrients. You are also getting a massive amount into your body, far more than you would be able to actually eat. I was looking at the way I get through vegetables these days and it is surprising what juice you can get out of some items but I do tend to work my way through a lot of vegetables every day.
L is home from University and so we have decided to descend on my dad on Sunday and take the girls as we can drop L back at Cambridge on the way home. That will allow us to spend some time with dad and for the girls to see him as the last time he really wasn't with it and it was just after his operation and he wasn't in great shape. He is a lot better now so it will be a good time. Of course, it's one of those things as to whether this will be the last time they see him and so I'm concious of that too.
It's late - I've been watching a set of DVDs from my childhood - Robinson Crusoe - I haven't seen it since the late 1960s I would guess and it is quite moving in places, beautiful music and for its day a good piece of drama. It brought back old memories of sitting at home and waiting until the next episode to see what had happened. Good stuff but once started I couldn't stop watching it hence it is now gone 2 in the morning! Doh :-)
I'm feeling well, I'm beginning to feel slimmer and fitter and a lot better than I have for ages and ages as the diet and the change in the way I consume food kicks in. Juicing is a bit of an "acquired taste" as sometimes it looks like I'm drinking a pint of mud :-) Generally it is the greens getting all mixed up with the base juice (I tend to favour carrot) and that's just the colour but it is also a strange taste - we are used to having our vegetables cooked and whole. When you juice them you separate the juice from the fibre and so you are getting a super hit of nutrients. You are also getting a massive amount into your body, far more than you would be able to actually eat. I was looking at the way I get through vegetables these days and it is surprising what juice you can get out of some items but I do tend to work my way through a lot of vegetables every day.
L is home from University and so we have decided to descend on my dad on Sunday and take the girls as we can drop L back at Cambridge on the way home. That will allow us to spend some time with dad and for the girls to see him as the last time he really wasn't with it and it was just after his operation and he wasn't in great shape. He is a lot better now so it will be a good time. Of course, it's one of those things as to whether this will be the last time they see him and so I'm concious of that too.
It's late - I've been watching a set of DVDs from my childhood - Robinson Crusoe - I haven't seen it since the late 1960s I would guess and it is quite moving in places, beautiful music and for its day a good piece of drama. It brought back old memories of sitting at home and waiting until the next episode to see what had happened. Good stuff but once started I couldn't stop watching it hence it is now gone 2 in the morning! Doh :-)
Friday, January 27, 2012
So it is Diabetes
One of those things I suppose - my dad does have Diabetes and finally they have diagnosed and given him medication for it. Luckily he doesn't have to inject himself and is controlled by tablet. This is a move forward and one that I have to say is long overdue.
In a way, the Doctor was faced with asking dad the difficult question "How long have they given you?" which of course is answered with 6 months which is now! In reality he is a lot better than I thought he would be having seen a number of my friends die of Pancreatic Cancer Dad has remarkably had major surgery too and is still with us - good for him. My friends died in 2 weeks and 1 month (I think). It wasn't great.
As for me, well I'm getting on fine at the moment - a bit of a twinging back again - I'm not sure why that should be but there you go hopefully I can get rid of that overnight. Weight wise well - it is still dropping off me and feels better each day - it is a most unusual sensation but a welcome one in reality. I can feel my waist just being slimmer and my trousers being less tight and all of this is down to juicing and I haven't started exercising yet. The great thing is that I'm eating large quantities of vegetables so for example I had some low fat mushroom soup tonight but I added to it, bean sprouts, mushrooms and spinach. That made a big bowl full but of course there's hardly anything in it - it cheers up my soup and it fills me up too but keeps the calorie intake low. Juice comprises of a quart of vegetable (mainly) juice a day with about 2 quarts of water. I have my FOCC in the morning if before 8 am - if I am up later I miss it out and go straight for juice at 10:30. I have a meal of a cup-a-soup at lunch time with either tinned pilchards, sardines or mackerel or perhaps fish sticks, tuna, egg or low fat pate.
Onwards and upwards.
In a way, the Doctor was faced with asking dad the difficult question "How long have they given you?" which of course is answered with 6 months which is now! In reality he is a lot better than I thought he would be having seen a number of my friends die of Pancreatic Cancer Dad has remarkably had major surgery too and is still with us - good for him. My friends died in 2 weeks and 1 month (I think). It wasn't great.
As for me, well I'm getting on fine at the moment - a bit of a twinging back again - I'm not sure why that should be but there you go hopefully I can get rid of that overnight. Weight wise well - it is still dropping off me and feels better each day - it is a most unusual sensation but a welcome one in reality. I can feel my waist just being slimmer and my trousers being less tight and all of this is down to juicing and I haven't started exercising yet. The great thing is that I'm eating large quantities of vegetables so for example I had some low fat mushroom soup tonight but I added to it, bean sprouts, mushrooms and spinach. That made a big bowl full but of course there's hardly anything in it - it cheers up my soup and it fills me up too but keeps the calorie intake low. Juice comprises of a quart of vegetable (mainly) juice a day with about 2 quarts of water. I have my FOCC in the morning if before 8 am - if I am up later I miss it out and go straight for juice at 10:30. I have a meal of a cup-a-soup at lunch time with either tinned pilchards, sardines or mackerel or perhaps fish sticks, tuna, egg or low fat pate.
Onwards and upwards.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Dad's seems brighter
They suggested that it would take a while to get over his surgery and he is now a lot brighter and getting about a bit more although he needs to find out tomorrow if he is Diabetic which it looks as if he probably is.
Hopefully I'll go up and see him next week to see how he is and to get to see him before we go off to Italy on holiday. Hope that this time he is feeling a little better and that my car behaves itself. Last time it cost me a Hotel and a new set of bulbs for the car! Doh :-)
I'll take up my spare juicer so that mum can have that to use later on should dad need it.
Hopefully I'll go up and see him next week to see how he is and to get to see him before we go off to Italy on holiday. Hope that this time he is feeling a little better and that my car behaves itself. Last time it cost me a Hotel and a new set of bulbs for the car! Doh :-)
I'll take up my spare juicer so that mum can have that to use later on should dad need it.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Weight and Fitness
This is a strange thing, I am losing weight and beginning to feel a lot better in myself. I'm sure that the clear on Friday was a bigger barrier than I gave it credit for but also this regime of eating mainly vegetables in my diet seems to be paying off in a marked loosening of pressure on my waist which is great. I've lost the love handle bits on the sides and whilst I still have a "bit of a tummy" it isn't anywhere as bad as it was a month ago when I really noticed it. I think the juicing and drinking more water are having a good effect as is eating fish and also tending to have vegetable based soups and to bulk it up adding whatever vegetables I can find lying around that I haven't juiced!!! I can't believe how many vegetables I get through each day but I drink 2 pints of vegetable juice a day now and am beginning to get some tolerance with the green element in the juice mainly through getting the balance right and ensuring I get a good neutral juice in there first.
I'm pleased but need to ensure that I get some protein in too - hence the fish - I must get some eggs in there too if I can. The trouble I have is that I will run out of Veg tomorrow morning - perhaps I'll take the opportunity to wander down to the greengrocers and buy some of my own choosing? I'll see if I have time.
I'm pleased but need to ensure that I get some protein in too - hence the fish - I must get some eggs in there too if I can. The trouble I have is that I will run out of Veg tomorrow morning - perhaps I'll take the opportunity to wander down to the greengrocers and buy some of my own choosing? I'll see if I have time.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Better Outlook
There's some serious stuff coming along this year. Dad being uppermost on my mind and I suppose seeing if we are going to get investment in these difficult times is also a problem. I love the sideways look I get when the penny drops and people realise that I've put in close to 2 years unpaid into the business and of course still had to cover the household bills etc.
That's the eye opener and that's why I get annoyed with the smart arse one liners from people who don't know what it really takes to build a business. Somehow they don't think it through and realise the sheer volume of work you need to do to not only design the thing but make sure it will be bought (I mean does anyone actually want it). This time last year I was pulling together the survey we conducted and pulling some 150 questions answered by over 180 people into some sort of logical order. Then there's modelling the finances, working out the cost of all the services, the marketing, branding etc and suddenly there's 2 years of you life gone :-)
So in a way that will determine what will be or not be this year. Only a very small number of businesses get funding and so we are being, as we normally are, balanced and steady in our views and expectations.
However, knowing that these things are coming down the line is one thing and I've other news to share later on in February too which is again good news but it is all hush hush at the moment.
I am really looking forward to going to Italy now - it sounds just brilliant and we will get to see the wonders of three great cities (at least). It will also give us an idea about travelling by train in Europe which is something we have always fancied doing. It seems a little more civilised than the high pressure cigar tubes whistling around at 30,000 feet :-) I have to say that when I last flew internally I couldn't believe the amount of security that was imposed and you needed your passport - for goodness sake. Plus there was all the hanging around at the airport and waiting to get your baggage, then transferring into the city. Let's see if this city centre to city centre arrangement is any better?
So I started this with the words "better outlook" and things are better. I'm actually visibly losing weight on this juicing protocol I am on at the moment. I haven't quite gone to a full vegetarian diet but I have cut down on most things. My day looks like this now:
Breakfast: Flax Seed Oil and Cottage Cheese diluted with a Drinking yoghurt (one of these "healthy" ones) added to a bowl of cut up dates, apricots, walnuts, raisins, figs, sunflower seeds and pumpkin seeds and possibly, hazel nuts cut up and flax seeds freshly ground. I'll probably have a coffee and a pint of water.
Midday: A pint of vegetable juice - generally based on carrot (occasionally a bit of apple), celery, cucumber, spinach, a twist of lemon, perhaps some cabbage, a tiny bit of root ginger, bean sprouts, turnip, asparagus, brussels sprout tops. Occasionally I'll have melon as the base of the drink. I will have this with another pint of water as it can be a bit difficult to drink without watering it down a bit.
Lunch: Tends to be soup, sardines, mackerel or pilchards, or fish sticks, low fat pate, cottage cheese or tuna. I may have some pickled onions or gherkins if things are a bit bland. After that I will probably have a low fat fruit yoghurt.
Mid afternoon is a repeat of the juicing regime a mixture of vegetables but trying to keep the green content to about a quarter (no more) as it really is quite strong.
Tea: Soup with some Ryvita or Rice Cakes, Tuna or fish, low fat cheese, fish sticks etc.
Occasionally I will cook myself some mushrooms and bean sprouts and left over vegetables and add these to my soup to make it a big meal but short on calories. If I do have anything afterwards it will be an Orange or perhaps as a treat a sorbet from frozen fruit run through the homogeniser feature on my juicer.
I've cut out bread - although I am a sucker at the weekend for a crusty bread roll. I may have a little cheese at the weekend and get some Stilton out of the Freezer - just enough for a couple of crackers worth.
Once a week we have a main meal with roast vegetables and potatoes - I have cut out potatoes except of the very occasional baked one with Tuna and Baked Beans or some low fat cheese. The meat tends to be Chicken, Beef or Gammon.
So there you go and I reckon I have to have lost 1/2 stone in the week and a half I've been doing this. The weight has fallen off of my stomach and the good old "love handles" seemed to go within days. This is great news, now all I need to do is continue to prepare and juice my vegetables the only thing is the vegetable consumption has trebled in the past few weeks!
My experiment to make Sauerkraut ended in failure today. I think I should have used white cabbage (with more moisture in it) than the Savoy I used. I went to taste it after 4 days and it tasted just like - well minced raw cabbage. I will certainly try again and see if I can get it to brew a bit. the nice thing about the recipe I have is that there is no salt required.
Anyway - my health is good (not yet great) my weight is beginning to change and the health benefits of juicing appear to be kicking in nicely, it will be good to get into shape first and then see about tackling other ailments using targeted juices and diet.
That's the eye opener and that's why I get annoyed with the smart arse one liners from people who don't know what it really takes to build a business. Somehow they don't think it through and realise the sheer volume of work you need to do to not only design the thing but make sure it will be bought (I mean does anyone actually want it). This time last year I was pulling together the survey we conducted and pulling some 150 questions answered by over 180 people into some sort of logical order. Then there's modelling the finances, working out the cost of all the services, the marketing, branding etc and suddenly there's 2 years of you life gone :-)
So in a way that will determine what will be or not be this year. Only a very small number of businesses get funding and so we are being, as we normally are, balanced and steady in our views and expectations.
However, knowing that these things are coming down the line is one thing and I've other news to share later on in February too which is again good news but it is all hush hush at the moment.
I am really looking forward to going to Italy now - it sounds just brilliant and we will get to see the wonders of three great cities (at least). It will also give us an idea about travelling by train in Europe which is something we have always fancied doing. It seems a little more civilised than the high pressure cigar tubes whistling around at 30,000 feet :-) I have to say that when I last flew internally I couldn't believe the amount of security that was imposed and you needed your passport - for goodness sake. Plus there was all the hanging around at the airport and waiting to get your baggage, then transferring into the city. Let's see if this city centre to city centre arrangement is any better?
So I started this with the words "better outlook" and things are better. I'm actually visibly losing weight on this juicing protocol I am on at the moment. I haven't quite gone to a full vegetarian diet but I have cut down on most things. My day looks like this now:
Breakfast: Flax Seed Oil and Cottage Cheese diluted with a Drinking yoghurt (one of these "healthy" ones) added to a bowl of cut up dates, apricots, walnuts, raisins, figs, sunflower seeds and pumpkin seeds and possibly, hazel nuts cut up and flax seeds freshly ground. I'll probably have a coffee and a pint of water.
Midday: A pint of vegetable juice - generally based on carrot (occasionally a bit of apple), celery, cucumber, spinach, a twist of lemon, perhaps some cabbage, a tiny bit of root ginger, bean sprouts, turnip, asparagus, brussels sprout tops. Occasionally I'll have melon as the base of the drink. I will have this with another pint of water as it can be a bit difficult to drink without watering it down a bit.
Lunch: Tends to be soup, sardines, mackerel or pilchards, or fish sticks, low fat pate, cottage cheese or tuna. I may have some pickled onions or gherkins if things are a bit bland. After that I will probably have a low fat fruit yoghurt.
Mid afternoon is a repeat of the juicing regime a mixture of vegetables but trying to keep the green content to about a quarter (no more) as it really is quite strong.
Tea: Soup with some Ryvita or Rice Cakes, Tuna or fish, low fat cheese, fish sticks etc.
Occasionally I will cook myself some mushrooms and bean sprouts and left over vegetables and add these to my soup to make it a big meal but short on calories. If I do have anything afterwards it will be an Orange or perhaps as a treat a sorbet from frozen fruit run through the homogeniser feature on my juicer.
I've cut out bread - although I am a sucker at the weekend for a crusty bread roll. I may have a little cheese at the weekend and get some Stilton out of the Freezer - just enough for a couple of crackers worth.
Once a week we have a main meal with roast vegetables and potatoes - I have cut out potatoes except of the very occasional baked one with Tuna and Baked Beans or some low fat cheese. The meat tends to be Chicken, Beef or Gammon.
So there you go and I reckon I have to have lost 1/2 stone in the week and a half I've been doing this. The weight has fallen off of my stomach and the good old "love handles" seemed to go within days. This is great news, now all I need to do is continue to prepare and juice my vegetables the only thing is the vegetable consumption has trebled in the past few weeks!
My experiment to make Sauerkraut ended in failure today. I think I should have used white cabbage (with more moisture in it) than the Savoy I used. I went to taste it after 4 days and it tasted just like - well minced raw cabbage. I will certainly try again and see if I can get it to brew a bit. the nice thing about the recipe I have is that there is no salt required.
Anyway - my health is good (not yet great) my weight is beginning to change and the health benefits of juicing appear to be kicking in nicely, it will be good to get into shape first and then see about tackling other ailments using targeted juices and diet.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
5 Years
I suppose that 5 years is some sort of landmark and it is as if a cork has popped out of the bottle with the way I feel. By that I mean that I am of a much lighter disposition, I feel so much better, my body feels good and I am beginning to come out of a place I had hardly realised I was in. I thought I was OK but I'm lifted to another slightly higher level by this news and I am additionally feeling well both physically and mentally.
I know that I am now getting things together a bit better in terms of diet and looking after myself. I am beginning to believe that I may at last be seeing the back of this nightmare and so that in itself also bolsters my own self esteem and whilst it is too early to say goodbye to cancer, I can at least start to make it a lesser part of my daily life.
If there is anything to gain from this experience it is that you can stand up to cancer and with modern medicine, lifestyle change and a positive attitude you can get to a point where you can get some control back in your life.
I'll see how long it takes me to fall back to being glum - hopefully never!
I know that I am now getting things together a bit better in terms of diet and looking after myself. I am beginning to believe that I may at last be seeing the back of this nightmare and so that in itself also bolsters my own self esteem and whilst it is too early to say goodbye to cancer, I can at least start to make it a lesser part of my daily life.
If there is anything to gain from this experience it is that you can stand up to cancer and with modern medicine, lifestyle change and a positive attitude you can get to a point where you can get some control back in your life.
I'll see how long it takes me to fall back to being glum - hopefully never!
Saturday, January 21, 2012
That's not great
A distant relative's partner died suddenly a few months back - what awful news. Just as things were getting good, as they were planning to set up home and one day he went out for a bike ride and had a brain haemorrhage and died shortly afterwards.
It's a reminder that life is like that sometimes. There's me feeling great and there's someone else who has had a tragedy - it's life of course but should just bring me back to earth a bit.
Life goes on though and planning our trip to Italy is in full swing and Mrs. F. and I are busy looking at maps, guidebooks, train timetables and so on. We are really looking forward to seeing the great Tourist traps of Italy :-)
It's a reminder that life is like that sometimes. There's me feeling great and there's someone else who has had a tragedy - it's life of course but should just bring me back to earth a bit.
Life goes on though and planning our trip to Italy is in full swing and Mrs. F. and I are busy looking at maps, guidebooks, train timetables and so on. We are really looking forward to seeing the great Tourist traps of Italy :-)
Fun starts now
There is something quite invigorating about getting this all clear - suddenly and surprisingly I find myself lifted out of a rut and I'm positive and happy. Mrs. F. and I are planning our journey across Europe by rail and it is looking quite an adventure with some wonderful things to see along the way. The journey through the Alps into Italy from Switzerland looks to be beautiful and the opportunity to actually go between one city centre and the other without the need to get to an airport, hang around, do the big security thang and all that is quite compelling. I fancied trying the Orient Express but it costs as much for a one way ticket each as the whole holiday is costing for 10 days!
Anyway, back to planning and getting excited about it all, amongst other things.
Anyway, back to planning and getting excited about it all, amongst other things.
Surprising Reaction
Normally I'm pretty pleased that I get a clear but I also have a low reactor reaction and find the results somewhat of an anti climax. This time I am really pleased and excited about finding I was clear. Maybe I'd tuned my mind into it being like last time (what could be worse than finding it had recurred - only to find after being knocked out for the operation there was nothing there - a false positive)? Maybe it was because it is over 5 years now? Whatever it is, it is a great feeling, I'm really elated and excited.
That said, I should now turn this to my advantage and make even greater strides to improve my health and get my body protecting itself.
Here's to a different outlook and a positive look forward this morning - great - I'm in an amazing frame of mind which can only be a good thing, it really does feel this time as if a weight has been lifted.
That said, I should now turn this to my advantage and make even greater strides to improve my health and get my body protecting itself.
Here's to a different outlook and a positive look forward this morning - great - I'm in an amazing frame of mind which can only be a good thing, it really does feel this time as if a weight has been lifted.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Clear - Relief
Relieved to be clear - not impressed that Planned Procedures and Surgical Admissions are one and the same now - what a nightmare and packed out. Didn't wait too long was 15 minutes late and I saw my Consultant - amused the nurses with stress balls - which always makes for an amusing phrase as the cystoscope goes in, wiggle your toes (getting past the Prostate) and breathe properly - I'm a bugger for not breathing properly and of course "squeeze your balls" and that's when the fun starts.
Anyway - clear, clear yay clear - did I say clear? What a relief. So pleased and they are going to do a CT Scan - the first one I've ever had to make sure that things are OK elsewhere too. I've got to have some dye shoved into my veins but hey - sure I can cope with that these days - hated the X-Ray version they gave me, with a vengance but hope this CT scan thing isn't as involved as that.
So that's good - 6 months to next appointment and this makes it clear (even with the blip) for about 4 years I guess. I did have a very minor recurrence way back during BCG but post BCG have been clear all the way..... LONG may that continue.
Pretty "made up" at the moment I have to say - it's a great result but this time was a bit more of a sting - don't know why - so spending a little more time in a darkened room relaxing.
Anyway - clear, clear yay clear - did I say clear? What a relief. So pleased and they are going to do a CT Scan - the first one I've ever had to make sure that things are OK elsewhere too. I've got to have some dye shoved into my veins but hey - sure I can cope with that these days - hated the X-Ray version they gave me, with a vengance but hope this CT scan thing isn't as involved as that.
So that's good - 6 months to next appointment and this makes it clear (even with the blip) for about 4 years I guess. I did have a very minor recurrence way back during BCG but post BCG have been clear all the way..... LONG may that continue.
Pretty "made up" at the moment I have to say - it's a great result but this time was a bit more of a sting - don't know why - so spending a little more time in a darkened room relaxing.
30 minutes until I leave for the Hospital
I am just sitting at my desk, playing some quiet classical music before getting ready to wander up to the Hospital and get checked out. Like all these things it is attitude and almost "habit" now. I know where I am going, what is needed and as long as they are on time and I'm relaxed then it will be OK no matter what the outcome may be.
It will be what it will be and I hope that this time, they won't need to get me in for an aborted operation but if that is what is needed (and it was last time) then I suppose I will need to just bear with it and go through with that.
I'm in a neutral place, a little nervous I'll admit but this has to happen and I'll reward myself with the rest of the day off whatever the outcome.
It will be what it will be and I hope that this time, they won't need to get me in for an aborted operation but if that is what is needed (and it was last time) then I suppose I will need to just bear with it and go through with that.
I'm in a neutral place, a little nervous I'll admit but this has to happen and I'll reward myself with the rest of the day off whatever the outcome.
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