Poor old dad (update)

Once again he is bed bound and very poorly, very sore and can barely move after having pulled the "gristle" around his breast bone and ribs.  It even sounds sore writing it.  He can barely move at the moment and so is feeling very miserable indeed.  


You can only imagine what it is like and can only really offer sympathy and just feel for him - what else can you possibly do?  


I'm off to a Lodge meeting this afternoon and the sun is out for the first time in what feels like months :-)  Let's hope it isn't too warm in the meeting or at the meal afterwards.


Today is cheat day and so that does mean I can have a few beers and that I can also have whatever food is stuck in front of me too.  I've been pretty good this morning only consuming a few bags of sweets and some milky, sweetened coffee.  Perhaps some toasted cheese at lunch and then whatever we will have this afternoon will suffice.  I certainly don't want to be feeling quite as bad as I did last Sunday when I didn't want to face breakfast.

Poor old dad

Poor fella is going through the wars, was very sore this morning after his fall and so now is on some strongish pain killers - as if he didn't have enough tablets to take!  


Hopefully this will give him a little short term respite from the pain and also now he is being weaned off the tablets they gave him to help him that actually didn't let's hope he can have a less eventful time.  Of course, he is just going to continue getting weaker and weaker and continue the downward spiral.  All we and the professionals can do is make him comfortable.  


The hell of this is that he is aware (most of the time) of what is going on.  

Piano Tuned

The Technician turned up today and did his best and managed to tune the piano a bit and so I have an in tune piano albeit a note and a half lower than it should be.  We have a plan now to start to play it and to get the Technician back in 4 months and gradually move that out to 6 months.   He reckons we could get it back into pitch in a few years but it needs to be worked on to make that happen.  The old piano is a wee bit too far gone to do much with and I need to chase up the new owners and see when they are coming as it needs to be hydrated.


Anyhow, piano available and in tune so I had a very brief play of it earlier and looking forward to perhaps digging out my books and starting to learn my chords again.  It would be nice to have that sort of skill.  Maybe I could get a tutor but who knows - I suppose I ought to get a paying job first on that one.


I was very concerned I was heading into a depressive state earlier today - before I heard my dad's news - but seem to have dragged myself out of that.  I'm also going to take myself off to bed now and attempt to get to sleep without head going 90 to the dozen. 

The Missed Phone Call

I dread getting a call from my brother and today I missed a call from him but couldn't contact him so left a voice message.  He then texted me saying that Dad had fallen over and was a bit the worse for wear.


I only spoke to my mum earlier today and she was fine and the doctor had been in and he came straight back very quickly when she rang him - which is good - I doubt he'd have wanted to go to hospital.  Doctor and Hospital appear to have "had words" about medication he is on and doctor is annoyed that said meds are making him diabetic and if things go on like this he will need Insulin not just the odd tablet.  


Things have been bad these past few weeks.  The trouble is that he isn't getting the most out of his food and the meds were to help him break that down and gain benefit.  The side effect is that they are making him more ill in another area.


My brother tells me dad is looking quite grey and drawn now - he was when I saw him.  I'll call in the morning and see what's going on.


Interestingly I bumped into a few guys tonight who haven't seen me for around 4 or 5 years.  They said how well I looked and that I'd put on weight and so on.  It was funny as one of them told me how ill I actually looked.  Now, I never ever felt I looked ill - drawn perhaps but not that bad but a look back at some photos and listening to a number of people now perhaps I did look rough.  Always nice to hear that I look that much better.

Definitely a bit down today

Down a notch or two in terms of my usual demeanour but only to be expected with dad not exactly right and given that we are wrapping up the business.  Two years is a long time to have spent on pursuing it and whilst we would like to have gotten somewhere realise that it isn't always possible to bring something quite as radical to market as this.


No matter how you prepare yourself for these eventualities and no matter how you think you will react, there's some sort of switch inside that makes things appear far worse.  So today I'm battling that general feeling of being "down" and not really my cheery and happy self.  


Had a horrendous dream last night, completely apocalyptic, everyone was infected with an incurable virus and were dying all over the place.   Woke up from that one gladly I can tell you.  


Off out again to London later and hope that I'll be a little more cheerful than I am now. 

Funny Day

Not sure how I ended up paying for it though but I did!  Ho hum.  Interesting conversations and discussions with some of the (now) ex team members.  I don't feel too bad although I should,  Given the amount of alcohol consumed!


Anyway - have got a little further forward and also a little further back all at the same time.  Sudden'y, now, everyone has bright ideas.....  Where were they 6 months ago?


Not quite so morbid and down in the dumps now but perhaps overnight that will change!? :-)

Strange Place

Well I'm a bit better this morning and a good sleep has helped.  The problem I often have is that I think too long and too hard and overload my head with lots of things to sort out all at once.  I am however in a better mood this morning and not quite so sombre.  I guess that yesterday was the final nail in the coffin and so it is a reality now.


Off to London shortly to go meet some of the team and see what their take on things is.  They, unlike me, have other jobs and have been getting paid these past 2 years.  It won't be quite as much of a shock to them as it is to my co-founder and I.  Ho hum, these things are sent to try us and I'm OK about things today whereas I had to admit to being pretty sad (or probably deeply reflective) yesterday.  I'm also sure that the news about dad didn't really help either.


Hopefully a day out will sort my head out.

Sad

It's late - I should be in bed but I'm sad and I'm reflective.  I'm listening to the album "Nude" by Camel - it's one of my all time favourites but I'm not feeling great at the moment and this reflects my mood in a way.


The album is a concept one about a Japanese soldier who was marooned on an island after the second world war.  Based on a true story it has some wonderful passages and great guitar solos.  


It isn't really helping me much and draws me into a sort of sombre mood.  I love the music but it makes me reflective and tearful.   However, it is "just right" at the moment as it captures my feelings extremely well.


I'm in a very strange place right now.  Yesterday the last piece fell into place and suddenly I'm back in the market and I just don't know where I actually want to be be.  I have many ideas and lots of experience but I haven't resolved in my self what I want to do going forward.  Life is now screwing with my head.   I don't really know what I want to do for the 2nd or 3rd time since Bladder Cancer came knocking at my door, I'm trying to work out what it all means.


Faith comes into play once again as do many of the lessons I've learnt these past 3 or 4 years.  What do I do next?  What will "float my boat" and where does my future lie?


Here's the problem(s):

• What does my survival mean and how can I live but benefit others through it?
• I've committed lots of my time to a number of things that haven't actually happened - how do I feel about the wasted (or is it) effort?
• I've loads and loads of experience and ideas - will anyone actually "buy" these from me?
• Does anyone (apart from me) actually give a sh1t about what I want?
• Is it all about me or is it about my family? 

And on and on it goes  - I'm really back where I started 5 years ago in one respect - in terms of money income to the family.  In other terms I'm so much richer in my head and in my attitude etc.  Unfortunately this great feeling stuff isn't materialising into hard cash and that is what I need to look after my family etc.  There's this balance between doing the right thing and doing the Right thing and I'm wrestling with that problem right now.


I'm very bad at talking this stuff through - I'm an INTJ - let's face it - what chance have I got???  


Oh well - things will work themselves out in the next month or so - as my friend told me tonight "it was such a brilliant idea and so way ahead of its time no wonder no one got it!"  It's still annoying as hell though.  

Life, The Universe and all that

I am free.  That's the end of my journey and things weren't mean't to be.  It is a damn shame and of course someone else will be the first to market and will come up with our idea eventually and we will be the Icarus of the idea.  Hell - what a shame, what a nuisance and what a waste (or is it)?


I've now got to do a lot of soul searching and a lot of working out what I want to do.  Tomorrow starts that process with some trusted colleagues and (no doubt) large quantities of Red Wine!


Let's see what the future holds for me now.  We've been here before and I've had adversity and crap thrown at me in spades, this is no different but this time, have I learnt from what I've lived through and can I turn it to my advantage?


WATCH THIS SPACE :-)

That's it - the game's up

Got the final confirmation that we aren't going to get investment just a few minutes ago.  That's disturbing and annoying, expected and settles the matter.  What a shame.


Many people have commented that they have never seen a more compelling proposition or such a well structured series of plans and financial projections and yet, despite all of that, the risks are too great and the market so depressed that you just can't get the money unless, of course, you fit a very narrow, well publicised, photofit of what is needed.  Unfortunately we aren't likely to ever fit that profile.  I'm not as fed up as I thought I'd be but then we prepared for this as well as the opposite by making ourselves examine the prospect some time ago.  


Ironically the agency tasked with solving the digital divide in the UK were away at a brainstorming session today.  It's a bit of a shame that they didn't even want to talk to us about what we have considering they are trying to find an answer and we've got it :-)  It's amazing how Ironic Irony can be sometimes......  Maybe they'll reconsider and come talk to us, they happily talk to people with makeshift short-term solutions.  But there you go, it sounds like sour grapes and is a bit but then there's been a lot to learn on this journey.


Prime learning - most people we've met are programmed to tackle problems in a certain way and  do not think outside of the box at all.  We have such a radical answer that many people don't get it at all.  It is probably not their fault but it is surprising that so many people were completely off beam and kept relating us back to their comfort levels.  The trouble is that even after having been thinking outside of the box ourselves, it is all so easy to go back into thinking like the rest of the world in a linear way and using a narrow set of facts to base ideas and actions on.


I think that we might indeed advance shutting things down from Friday week to later this week given that we now have our final result. 


A bit sad considering all the millions of people who cannot get on-line and despite what Governments and their departments say, they don't actually appear to give a toss about them.  

Oh Dear Sleep - Again

I haven't been having sleeping problems for a long time now and thought all was back to normal with vivid dreams and feeling relaxed and rested but the last few days have seen the insomnia type conditions re-appear and finding myself laying in or going back to sleep rather than getting up.  I'm pretty certain that a lot of this is down to working into the evenings thinking about what I want to do and yesterday I was on the PC all day doing research and writing things down.  My mind was overly active and it took ages to get to sleep.


I think I will try and address that this week if I can but I'm out late for the next three nights :-(  


My Dad is showing signs for some concern and is having far more bad days than good now.  He is beginning to feel a bit sorry for himself but still wont have the specialist nurses into see him.  I think he just isn't accepting the situation which is concerning to us but of course it is his decision and his mind is still fine so only he will know when to do this.  


I've pulled off my calendar / diary for the next few months so I can see when I can get up to see him.  May is a very bad month as I have lots of things on throughout the month and something every weekend.  This week I'm out three nights and two afternoons plus Saturday.  This is when I have little to do :-)


Next week is the crunch date for my business as if we haven't heard by Thursday week we will shut things down and so I guess one thing will go out of my life and we will scale right back and just do some odds and ends to tidy up and then work on what we want to do next.  


At least that is out of the way and I'll have time to myself without going through the motions as we are at the moment.  Professional to the end :-)  I think we will draw the line at going down with the ship - what's the point in that?


Still happy with the diet and now just want to bust down through the 15 stone weight and see if I can get below 15.  I'm managing to keep to the diet extremely well and over the next few days I've got a few more "testers" but I should be OK as I can choose what to eat tomorrow and just be circumspect about what I eat on Thursday - a 5 course banquet though so there are bound to be some dangers hidden in that :-)  Saturday is cheat day so I can enjoy myself and not worry.

A Very Quiet Day

It was a very strange day indeed as both girls are away.  It was very quiet and as it threw it down with rain intermittently we spent the day in the house.  Strange how the day went, I spent the day working on the computer and picking my way through ideas on things to do to turn a buck.  Have to say I also secured some twitter and blog accounts just in case I go down one of the routes.


The next thing to do is to start to formulate my ideas and see what I really want to do in the future.  There are a lot of things I'd like to do but of course, some are great ideas but hardly practicable and a few I think would take me 6 to 9 months to bring to fruition.  


So what I have now are a series of small business plans to do some high level tests on whether they might be worth doing.  It takes a little while to do each but at least this gives me a quick idea of whether or not it makes sense.

Damn photos

They don't lie do they?  Well maybe.  But just saw a few photos of myself and whilst you can see I've lost a fair bit I still look like a blimp and so that's spurred me on to the next phase.  2 Stone down and I wonder if I can get down a further 2 Stone?  


I'm back on the diet and still feel good.  Probably the best news is the dramatic drop off in blood pressure which is great.  I was already on a downwards trend but this diet seems to have to nailed it to around the 130 over 90 mark and below which should keep my doctor happy.  Once again, the loss of weight also appears to have settled that down and here's another interesting thing.  I noticed down the week that I'm not so breathless and wasn't so affected by being in a crowded place although I doubt that I am completely clear of that.  What it must be is that I'm not carting around all that weight and so breathing is easier and I just feel that much better.  


It is surprising how much better I feel and so continuing with the diet is a no brainer.  

Back on Track

Not too much damage done by the looks of it but I do struggle the day after cheat day to start back onto the diet.  Not, as you may suspect, through not wanting to at all but more so from the jolt that the cheat day gives the system I really don't fancy eating anything at all, I need to force myself to eat.  You really must eat within 1 hour of waking and it is pretty important to do that too as the weight loss works best when you do.  The very last thing I wanted to do was eat but I did force myself to do that.


Once that was done the rest of the day fell into place and I was able to sort that out.  It is a strange thing indeed but the cheat day really does mess my system up and the excesses of that day really do shock the system - I could feel it especially the hit from sugary things - it really make my body wonder what on earth has happened to it.


This week too is a challenge but I think I can stay on track pretty much but once again there are three meal out - one mercifully is on Saturday so I will enjoy that to its full.

Home Thoughts, from Abroad

Came and sprang into my mind:


Robert Browning

Home Thoughts, from Abroad

O, TO be in England
Now that April 's there,
And whoever wakes in England
Sees, some morning, unaware,
That the lowest boughs and the brushwood sheaf
Round the elm-tree bole are in tiny leaf,
While the chaffinch sings on the orchard bough
In England—now!

And after April, when May follows,
And the whitethroat builds, and all the swallows!
Hark, where my blossom'd pear-tree in the hedge
Leans to the field and scatters on the clover
Blossoms and dewdrops—at the bent spray's edge—
That 's the wise thrush; he sings each song twice over,
Lest you should think he never could recapture
The first fine careless rapture!
And though the fields look rough with hoary dew,
All will be gay when noontide wakes anew
The buttercups, the little children's dower
—Far brighter than this gaudy melon-flower!

And then this also remembered.  Happy days way back to school days and my teenage years:

I have no idea why that should be but there you go.  Both are rather nice I hope you'll agree.  

Nice Day Out

I think I did pretty well today not having a beer, sticking to my Red Wine but the meal itself was pre-loaded on the plate and so I succumbed to a few roast potatoes and as I was having cheese anyway I just took the hit.  I have a meal tomorrow and a party on Saturday and so I've decided to try to keep as much as possible to the diet tomorrow until the evening and just go for a cheat Friday to Saturday night.  Sunday I will start again on the diet although I still have challenges now for Wednesday and Thursday of next week I should be able to "manage" those better than this week.


My dad's getting a little worse each day at the moment and to add to his woes his eyes are getting bad and so he probably needs to get an electric razor as he finds concentrating wet shaving difficult.  I do feel for him because his mind is fine, it is just his body letting go that is hard to take and he gets very down because he cannot undertake even simple tasks without needing help.  He had a little collapse - more like a slumping to the ground - and he had to be helped up by mum.  It's not fair is it?  


Had a talk about Dementia today at our meeting very interesting stuff and interesting views on what the future holds.  Sometimes I wonder if it were better that the mind be turned off before having to contemplate your own mortality and your inevitable destiny.  I know that I had to do that early on but learnt quite soon that maybe, just maybe, I'd be able to survive given my age and whilst it was very serious, things could be done.  In my dad's case, there's not a lot more they can do and I still don't think he acknowledges that it might be useful to get some professionals involved so that they can prepare the way for him to come to terms with it.


As you know dear reader, I'm not that close to him to have the conversation myself, indeed I don't recall any conversation regarding feelings or emotions ever having entered out circle of interaction.  That may appear sad to you but that's the way it has always been and I know no different so in a way what's happening now could only happen this way.  I do talk to close friends far more about these things and to fellow sufferers perhaps even more so as it helps to explore some of the stuff that happens and to recount how we felt, how we reacted, how we get over things etc.

Day 4 of 6

Today, off to London again and another formal meal.  I've had a high protein breakfast and I'm contemplating going out in the rain to the station and up to London.  I've got almost an identical meal to last night except I've Smoked Salmon to Start but the main course and Cheese were choices from some time ago.


I don't aim to be there for too long before the meal itself and will come home straight afterwards.


At least I'm not out until Friday night thereafter!  What a week. 

Diet shot to pieces

Intentionally I realise that I cannot stick exactly to what I want to do as there is always some sort of compromise.  Today was one of them and I specifically worked on that basis.  I did have a high protein slow carb brunch but didn't eat until tonight and that at around 8:15 - the soup was lovely but must have contained some cream or milk and the roast beef was great as were the vegetables but a Yorkshire Pudding and Potatoes were there too and I had pre-ordered Cheese and Biscuits months ago.  


I have however stuck to red wine as my main drink throughout.  I will probably go for beer on Friday night and extend my cheat day through to Saturday.  In fact more like cheat week if I'm honest.  Next week I have two more events to go to but hopefully that is where it stops.

Exhausted

Was pretty exhausted this morning after getting in late and then just not feeling like I wanted to get up at all.  Finally pulled myself out of bed for Lunch (brunch) and had a high protein one but will wait until I eat again tonight at around 8 pm.


It was an interesting day yesterday and I was on my feet for quite a while.  The day went very well and I just gave up any idea of avoiding carbs although it was only very small and the sweet course was apple tart and I had that too.  Mind you having spent a lot on the dinner thought I'd better eat my due.  Was only drinking red wine but ended up catching the second to last train home that ran late and on a loop line through engineering works.  Got home about 1:30 in the morning but hey ho - it wasn't raining and we had a good evening with some Canadian ladies who were on holiday here.  What we forgot was that late license in London so it was around midnight we grabbed a taxi back to the station :-)


I was sat here a moment ago and took my Blood Pressure and was pleased to see that was low and I'm hoping that the odd of piste parts of my diet this week don't overly affect me too much.  The problem is that I have wall to wall meals from now until Saturday night and can only influence a few breakfasts myself - everything else is provided by someone else.  As long as I'm not stupid and go way off beam and make sure that things are done in moderation - I'm sure it will be OK although I may not lose any weight as such. 

I forgot to add

That is is also our Anniversary on Wednesday and I'm out.  I tend to have this problem every year as these meetings are all planned for the first week in May and sometimes it just falls like that.


At least I have bought a card which is already here!  


I've had to buy a new tie for tomorrow, my other one was captured as a trophy by some Scottish Masons during an "interesting" meeting some time ago.  As I'm "on parade" and working tomorrow I had better have one.  So another £15 spent.


Had some interesting conversation today about "the future" and what I want to do going forward.  It is interesting that people are still full of advice but a bit short on delivering the goods and that will be interesting when I meet them next week.  We will have a long and interesting discussion and maybe, just maybe I'll start to get some clarity on what I want to do.  It always seems to me that lots of people have good advice and ideas but I will be interested to see if I can do the Jerry Maguire - "Show me the money!" :-)  


I am beginning to form some key thoughts now around what I need to do in terms or what the outcomes probably need to be but there are some key questions which need answering and they aren't straight forward.  By that I mean that there may be some tough questions and there may be some divergence of ideologies :-)  The Bladder Cancer did some major shifting in my outlook and the last 6 years have all brought ideas and concepts, theories and practice, experimentation and results together to produce a different me.  I like that the lack of interest in what we are doing isn't a disappointment that requires a lot of mourning or navel gazing - the work we did, the attitude we have - the pragmatic approach means that it is what it is and it couldn't turn out much different given the time, circumstances and place (I sound a bit like Morpheus from the Matrix writing that!).  Damn I wish I'd taken the Blue Pill now!  :-)


But really what it comes down to is that I now have "an attitude" that reflects what I've learnt and what I've experienced, what I've read and how I've reacted to the disease.  My head is saying two things to me and the battle is between lifestyle and going back to how I was pre cancer - maybe a few years before then when I was at the peak of my powers and top of my game.  I'm probably strong enough physically and mentally to go back to that high powered, rather well paid but very demanding life.  Yet the other side of me is rebelling against it all, lifestyle, life, learning, low stress, doing what I want to do and enjoying that are the counterpoint.  Life just got interesting in another way and suddenly I have a relatively clean sheet of paper to work out what I want to do.


Or do I?


Lifestyle may actually mean giving up everything that went before and changing how things are and how they will be.  It may mean changing location and family and friends too will be impacted to greater and lesser extents.  Should you just go and do it for yourself and sod the consequences?  Many people do.  Do you stretch and strain friendships or do you rely on the strength of them to support the change.


It is going to be an interesting journey whatever happens.