Feel absolutely awful today

Damn it, I feel awful today - cannot believe how sh1t I feel but there you go.  Trying to do the logistics of moving but heart isn't in it inasmuch as they've thrown so much cr@p in my office I can hardly move :-) Crazy but there you go!  

Feel sick to my stomach but I know I have to do this :-) Have to - it will be OK once this is over this should be the easy bit as we had the hard bit last August.  Coming to terms with all of this is what I need to do.

Time to seize the day :-) Back online when we get back online :-)

This Time Next Week

I'll be elsewhere - hopefully exploring the surroundings and out of this mad house.  It feels like (but I know it isn't ) that everyone is on my case this weekend.  My office is full of cr@p and odd cardboard boxes etc.  I can hardly move.  I've come downstairs but A and her friends are next door making a noise so went my office where Mrs. F and L are now clearing the boxes out.  No peace at all!  Nightmare so I've come downstairs with my laptop and switched on the TV and will just hide here for the afternoon - or try to and distract myself.

Write my blog, go and moan to my journal and get ready for tomorrow as I am going to pack then when nobody is around and today feels bad.  I can also bring stuff downstairs ready to go on Tuesday.  I can disconnect the main computers and stuff too.  

I have to say that I do feel pretty low and a little sick in my stomach today again.  I'm sure I will feel similar tomorrow and Tuesday as well.  At least tomorrow I will be busy all day.  On Tuesday I foresee that I will be excited and sad at the same time.  I hope that I will find it an enjoyable time and that challenges are there but to be enjoyed.  I'm bound to have forgotten something or need something but there's Sainsburys up the road and it's not as if it will be life threatening.

I can only hope that once I've moved and got over the trauma of that - things will steadily get better.  Hope so.  

Sometimes I Think Maybe I Shouldn't Have But Karma Rescues Me

It is pretty strange that I should have bumped into so many people yesterday and then I think well maybe not, that's the way of it and things happen for a reason.  We may not always know what that reason is or what or why it happens and we may still miss the opportunity, whatever that may be.

It's strange me meeting that young lady, listening to her getting her home then seeing her last weekend and then her contacting me - as apparently I'm a 'very nice' man.  So we will see where that goes.

Today I've felt particularly bad - I suppose as you pack up your stuff you do get to feel a little down and "have I done the right thing?" and then you find out that your office has been completely flooded with boxes and packing stuff that I can't actually move anything or put anything anywhere!  It's a fire hazard if anything :-)  I couldn't even get out of the door at one point such was the packaging materials from the loft.

It's as if to make sure I get on my way but I'm not sure they are actually getting it at the moment - I'm certainly not taking half the house with me - what's the point?  I'll only have to move it again in a few months time and then most probably have to move it again when this place is sold and I buy somewhere with my part of the proceeds.  I suppose it is making it slightly easier for me to leave when behaviour is still pretty much as binary (all or nothing) as it ever used to be here.

So back to my karma.  As I was feeling rubbish and feeling bad about leaving, the behaviour here just reinforced my reasons to go.  I mustn't loose track of the reasons that I'm leaving.  They aren't trivial and they go quite deep too and it's only I think that I am now at this point at the 11th hour that it makes me feel strange. 

Come Tuesday I will be able to move into the house and hopefully start to build a new life from there.  Let's hope so.  

So Off We Jolly Well Go

Yesterday was a crazy as it can be almost farcical.  We paid our deposit and first months rental and then met up for a coffee.  I had news of a local chap that a number of us knew up at the pub and decided to take a copy of the letter up to the pub for the locals. 

I wasn't expecting to see my old next door neighbour there.  But we had a couple of drinks and just as I was about to go and old dear friend of mine who I haven't seen in years and years appeared in the pub.  He comes to the Woodman a lot he told me - I've never seen him there but he knew the landlord and all my lot!  Amazing.

So I ended up drinking with him for the remainder of the afternoon and then in to the evening and then my old next door neighbour who had fallen out with his wife (long story) needed a place to stay so came home here and we put him up for the night!

The terms and conditions have come through so I am trawling through those today and we sign on Tuesday and move in on the same day.  

My old next door neighbour has gone this morning and Mrs. F. is on a course.  I am feeling particularly low and a little bit down even a tiny bit dewy eyed because this is my last weekend at the house.  It's suddenly hit home that is where I am at!

Not to worry though.  I have a day or so now to sort myself out and to work out what and what not to take with me.  I don't need much to start with but a bed a chair and a few basics will do nicely.

It's all a big adventure, it's a new start but also it's a good feeling to finally be at this point.  I have no doubt that Mrs. F. and I will feel very differently about things in the next few days.

I'm certainly going to be feeling very up and down - I know it.

Frightened - Moi?

Been a very strange surreal day on so many fronts.  Where do I start?

1. Flocky and I are now able to proceed with renting the house - YAY
2. Wobbly sensations as my life is about to change
3. Relationships I thought were dead have come back to life
4. Oh bugger! Another relationship has arisen to complicate 3 above :-)
5. Friend came and took me out for a beer - which was SO welcome

Geez, what a day so many things happening - if you put it in a film no one would believe you.

The house can now go ahead and I do feel more wobbly about it than I thought I would.  I spoke to Mrs. F. and we were being really matter of fact when both of us were obviously brazening it out and we were both close to tears by the end of the conversation.  Thank goodness my mate came and out of the blue took me for some beers.  Was a good thing I have to say.

Some dead relationships have sparked back again in the last few days.  By which I mean that things that I thought were no longer around and I had dismissed have resurfaced to confuse me - because I don't always understand these things.  To add to those woes, I'm now in "close contact" with the lady that I assisted a week or so back.  We plan to meet up and get to know each other better.  I'm cr@p at all this - I thought I'd just been a gentleman and done the right thing.  I guess us old fashioned chaps have some sort of appeal after all?

Life is getting a little scary.  Things are coming home to roost and suddenly my life has changed beyond all recognition.  What is going to happen?  I don't know but I just have to take each and every blessing as it arises.  

Down To Business

It's been a hectic afternoon as I prepared and sent off my details so that I can be credit checked so we can go take on the rental of the house.  It is funny because I do have enough money to live there for quite some time but of course they need to know.  

Of course, it wasn't going to be that easy as the large amount of money I had in there had in fact been transferred around about lunchtime so I had to do an accompanying letter to explain the switch in funds but of course, it all makes sense and in many ways - it was good as I was able to show distributed funds and I'd already taken the precaution of taking a few snapshots of my account in the days leading up to today.

I've read the terms and conditions - they seem fair and reasonable and apparently we need to get over to the Agent and sign those off at some time and take some ID in as well.

Well, I must say that I had a strange start and felt a bit excited and sad all at the same time.  I knew that would happen and I still feel the same in many ways.  I spoke to Mrs. F. and told her that things would be moving fast from now on.  I think this will enable us to quickly sort stuff out and I also hope once I'm out of her way she will be able to think it through and we wont keep bumping into each other and having awkward moments.

I need to sort out basic for all sorts of things now - it's crazy but things like towels and the like - have we got enough if not I'll buy myself some for the interim. That expense is one I hadn't really counted on - things like vacuum cleaner, bed, quilt, sheets, pillows and so will soon deplete my savings but I know not to panic - just get things sorted and then work away from there.  It isn't Rocket Science....

Have been feeling great so far this year.  I feel fit and healthy and above all I feel ready to go take this new life, new chapter, new page on full bore.  It's really exciting and it's really going to make me think and work out my life.  I'm looking forward to it and it's more in excitement than fear.  I like that I can probably just cut loose and do my own thing.  I can at last get down to running the business and also organising my office and myself the way I want to.

I Knew I'd Feel Like This

It is very strange indeed as I feel quite breathless this morning.  It's just a phase and it's to do with the unknown the excitement and the trepidation of it all, the enormity of what I'm about to do.  There's the slightest panic about getting things sorted out and making it all happen but I need to realise it won't happen overnight it's going to take some time to occur and I'll no doubt have some frustrations waiting for it all to happen.

The sooner we get started the sooner it can all fit into place.  In some ways I'm feeling anxious about things - like the business but the reality is it will take time.  It's taken 3 months longer to get to where I am now, I shouldn't be surprised really.  But there you go it does get to you, it's bound to.  There's a lot of hidden stress to deal with.  I can feel it.  You think about trivial things too which again aren't going to matter in the long run.

There's a big shop not far from the house and there's food and everything else you need to live so I'm not going to starve :-) If I'm missing anything I can just go and buy it! :-) 

I can also live out of boxes for a while too.  Not sure if I can live without the internet for too long but again, not an insurmountable problem as I can come back to the house here everyday and pick stuff up, use the internet and transact any online stuff and go back afterwards.  It is simple enough.

I'm looking forward to it and at the same time, I'm a little anxious too.  How will it work out?  Of course the bottom line is that it will be what it will be - there can be no reward in worrying about it, it hasn't happened yet.  I need to heed my own advice and just work in the moment.  The past is gone, the future hasn't happened you can only do anything about the present moment.

It's really an adventure but of course there's this cutting off my own past - not that it hasn't happened but that it's a sort of baggage that I don't need to carry with me.  Cutting away that baggage is very difficult to do.  You're not cutting away all that has happened you just aren't bearing it as some form of Cross.  

Anyway it all feels pretty strange at the moment and I'm going to take the opportunity to write on the the blank page I'll have after next week.

The Brink Of Moving Out

It's here - the offer on the house has been accepted and now, subject to terms and conditions and references, we are likely to have a place to move into this time next week.  It's nice and is the one the Flocky and I really liked in the first place.  Warm, comfortable and just cosy.  A proper Goldilocks place.

There's so much to do and I'm in a bit of shock about that but - perhaps it is better to have it thump in like a Tsunami.  I spoke to my friends tonight - they are all massively supportive of course and in a month I'll probably be living nearer them than here.  It feels very very strange indeed.

I find the whole thing somewhat surreal I have to say.  It is just bizarre how it has all worked out but in my mind, I've done all the right things and now is the time to go test the water and see how Mrs. F. and I feel after 3 months or so.  It will be interesting indeed to see what her reaction will be especially as I will be burning so much of our capital for my flat and to set up the business.  Of course, I hope that I'll have a good return on the business over time but not 6 months :-)

I am excited and slightly concerned of course.  One thing that will happen is that I will be free of the incumbrences here and can go and live my life without the restraints (real or imagined) I've had here.  The main thing is to get the Internet installed in the house so I can start to operate the business :-)  The rest of it can follow :-)  

Interesting times ahead - very very mixed emotions at the moment.   

Heart Surgeon's Blog

I found THIS very interesting:

"Heart surgeon declares on what really causes heart illness"

When I set out on my dice with Bladder Cancer I had an inkling that food and modern lifestyle was at the root of my problems that along with being an ex-smoker too of course.  The problem is that you still see dietary advice that is way past its sell by date being promoted.  The food industry will tell you that carbohydrates are good for you after all they make up the base of the pyramid of foods that are "good" for us.  But, of course, nothing could be further from the truth as this article sets out.  

I think this article just adds a little bit more to the argument that somewhere along the line we've been fed a load of old tosh about what is and isn't good for us.  I've been lucky in some ways as when I followed the advice and started loading myself with lots of fruit and vegetables it almost gave me diabetes and as luck would have it I was turned from the abyss by my doctor.  It certainly made me go and do some more research.  I'm a little overweight at the moment - Christmas and seemingly a lot of beers have not made losing weight easy but then again I wasn't actually looking to lose weight over this period.  I've started losing it again now and once I've gotten past today I will be back off the booze for a while :-)

I have to say that I'm not sure that fruit is as good as this chap says - modern fruit is so bred to be high in Fructose and this would spike an insulin response.  I think small berries and the like in small quantities are OK but whilst I love fruit, I've cut it out of my diet altogether now - such a shame but then again I feel great these days.  Just a by the by -   I haven't had a cold since February last year when I started on the regime....  In fact I don't think I've had a cold for a couple of years now.  That's not evidence of course just something that I've noticed of late. 

It's interesting that a recent advert on TV is advocating that grains are good for your heart?  100% natural fibre blah blah blah.  We are being told this and it's all supported by "science".  Terrifying - truly it is knowing what we know about carbohydrates - it is outrageous that the can blatantly just state that.    

I'm certainly back on track with my food regime and the excesses of Christmas are behind me.  I'm eating my usual eggs, bacon, mushrooms, livers, mince and basic vegetables, fish etc.  Plenty of butter and cheese too.  My kid brother is doing well - he's now lost around 7 stone since August and another friend of mine has lost 3 kilos in 2 weeks so he's delighted although he could do a little better and he knows it but at least he has the incentive to see it falling off him.

After Many False Starts - Here We Go

Flocky's exchange of contract has happened at last - poor fella it has been dragging on for months!  The first house we were interested in only want a 1 year contract and so we can't do that.  The second one, the one that really is nice inside we have put forward an offer on as it almost ticks all of the boxes.  It certainly is a spectacular interior. It's a lovely road - Mrs. F. and I looked there when we bought the current place.

Yesterday felt like a bit of a wake for me as I visited the two pubs in the village and had a little too much to drink if I'm honest.  But there was an Elvis impersonator on at the pub which was fun and then I wandered back to the Woodman and had another beer before wandering home.  I went straight to bed - I've learnt not to touch this PC after a few beers.  I feel OK this morning but I really shouldn't!  It was funny as I again bumped into the girl I'd helped get home on Tuesday night.  We just acknowledged our presence as she was with a group of locals at the bar.  Seeing her there triggered that eureka moment - of course I'd met her before - I thought I had.  She is often sat at the bar on the corner.  

I thought to myself that this would likely be the last time that I'd be drinking in the village at my local and in many ways it was a sad but also a poignant day.   I'd realised that it is getting nearer and I'm really hoping that we can agree either this place or the place which is local and get it underway as soon as possible.  In that way, I can get out of here and start to move things forward in my own life.

The eBay nonsense has been sorted out and the buyer got a full refund - I'm surprised but eBay must have some sort of policy that looks to close silly little cases like this and I haven't been penalised so I guess that's fine.  My monies have been released in my account - so that's OK too.

I won't be doing any eBaying for a long time I think.  I have a business to build.  I am SO looking forward to getting that to happen.  It will be a great distraction for me to just spend time doing that.  I actually did some work on that yesterday - trying to get my head around pricing and discounting - it is particularly difficult to work out how to do this so I was working on a model to see if I can get it straight in my head.  Again, it will be so much easier doing that somewhere with little or no distractions.  

Reflecting on another day not telling someone

I have no idea what Mrs. F. is thinking about - today our hairdresser came around and possibly for the last time cut out hair.  The general banter was pretty difficult because what plans have we got for this year - well none actually :-) It's ridiculous.  I wonder how she will explain away that I'm not there, that my car isn't there etc?

I had a lovely long day thinking and snoozing catching up on the very late night I had.  It is late tonight and Mrs. F. has been out to her friends and isn't back yet - unusually for her.  At least she is talking which I am pleased about.

It could be as early as this time next week that I might be in the house if things get signed off on Monday!  It would certainly be useful to get out of here - I'd probably have to come back daily to sort out the internet and goodness knows what but that is doable.  I can take stuff a little at a time too and that may help transition away.  I realise that I'm not going to be in a position to start the business straight away either.  Whilst I'd like to - I have to be realistic in setting my expectations.  The first thing of course is to relish in my new found freedom - it sounds naughty and nasty but I think that it is one of those things you just need to do is to realise the enormity of what has happened - I bet I'll be sad and happy all at the same time.  

Then I need to get stuff that I don't own now - I've a list of stuff - like vacuum cleaner, bed and so on.  :-)  It will be fun and it will be exciting.  I imagine I will be watching my capital being eroded with some alarm at the beginning but hopefully the business will come to the rescue along the way.  

Once I am away from here I will be able to let more people know and of course, I have no idea how to tell people that I know that know Mrs. F's family what is going on.  WIll cross that bridge when I come to it I suppose.

Not Sure What That Was All About

Or maybe I do - was up till 4 am listening to my tracks that remind me of last year's good time summer.  I played the list that reminded me of all that happened and drank a few tumblers of Scotch too (not too many).  It was a very strange night.  I was wide awake and reliving the past which I know isn't always healthy but this was a series of very happy memories and I know what sparked it as I'd been online and my friend came online and we just had a short conversation and a chat like we used to.  Suddenly I was transported back to those heady days of June, July, August and September.  

I can't even tell you what it was like considering that at the same time I had made up my mind to leave Mrs. F. I was at the same time freeing all the shackles and chains that had held me back and made my life - well - hell really.  Suddenly music flowed and the sun shone, the warmth of those halcyon days still makes me smile, the buzz of insects and birdsong, the invisible wind blowing across the corn fields, all of it made last summer special.  

So in many ways it wasn't unexpected that I'd travel back in time and just remember how good I actually felt and what all that music meant to me and how it ran around me head - a soundtrack to 2013.  Somewhere, in all of this of course is a catalyst that would make all this happen and so it was great to just chat and we are so alike that as we write or talk we come up with the same things, the same phrases, the same ideas and we truly are kindred spirits which is how we described ourselves - at the same time.  It is very spooky how this happens all the time.  We bounce off each other and our music, literature, art and humour are so similar in so many ways.

I think you probably get the picture here.  Which of course is why it is so galling that it can never be anything other than it is, a lovely friendship and that's that.  I'm lifted every time I talk or correspond and I know it works the other way too.  

The trick is to see past it all and to have that relationship as just good friends :-) I feel she was my Psychiatrist because if I hadn't had all those long conversations, I doubt that I would have come out of my malaise and be where I am now.  I suppose you aren't allowed to have a crush on your Shrink :-) 

Hello New Life

Just over the horizon, I can see the light just beginning to glow, the promise of a new life, a new start perhaps.  I feel mainly excited about it and I feel charged.  Of course I'm a little scared too because it is that step off into the unknown.  I've taken those sorts of steps before of course.  Setting up my own business for the first time, that first contract, those first invoices and would anyone buy my services?  

I'm no longer afraid though because I've finally known what it was like to be afraid and Bladder Cancer frightened the daylights out of me.  Each operation and wheeling down to theatre - would I wake up?  Would they find something that would point me towards an uncertain future?  It's all very scary.  I suppose there's one thing about you getting really bad news - at least you know you are going to die and can do something about it?  That's sounds very churlish just writing it but I wonder what my dad thought when they said - sorry - it's terminal and gave him 6 months to a year.  I was surprised as some of the people I knew who had it didn't last a month.

So - not afraid, a little apprehensive I suppose, a few doubts but as I bumped into Mrs. F tonight and she asked if I was OK I said "kind of" and was she and no she isn't.  But here's the thing, it is hard being under the same roof, things will change when I move out - they will have to because this status quo will be broken.  I will no longer be here and I will at last be able to throw off the invisible shackles that bind me to this house and to the family the way it is.

I see a fractured family at the moment and that too is understandable.  Mrs. F. is in a sad place so the house is also quite miserable too.  I try my best but of course, having someone making light of the situation of trying to be my usual cheerful self isn't what's called for I suppose? 

I've made some minor plans for later this year - a black tie do in June which I am looking forward to.  I've a few gigs I fancy going to and other than that I am wondering whether to get myself away for a few days somewhere warm.  Just for a break and to recharge my batteries.  There are opportunities to go for a few weekend breaks like Ladies Nights.  The trouble with those are of course, they are for couples :-)

It will be interesting to look back on this year and see what has happened.  I thought last year that I may be in this position but also felt that I would have had a big corporate job and that would have allowed me to sort things out financially - of course it didn't quite happen like that.  Of course mid year all hell broke loose and then in August I explained to Mrs. F. that it was all over and in many ways the last 6 months have been really difficult as I remained in the house and changed the original plans of her moving out to me moving out.  I need to balance the fact that whilst I thought that I would have my business up and running by now - the bottom line is it doesn't matter when I start it as long as it is planned and executed correctly.  You could look at it that I'm "losing money" but that isn't the right way to look at it at all.  It will all drop into place in good time.

So just out of touching distance is this new life.  The opportunity to make something happen, to free my spirit, to enjoy my life, to do what I need to live and to work at building a small business and to make enough from that to live and that's now all I want to do, live, be healthy, be happy, bring happiness to others and enjoy life.

To Follow Your Wallet Or Your Heart?

So Flocky asked whether I'd be upset moving out?  So I gave it some more thought as I'd glibly said that I thought I'd be 'a little bit' upset.  

In many ways I see it as turning the corner, opening a new page, a new start.  This is my 'new life' and so in that way it is exciting and of course a little scary too.  It's bound to be a bit scary because for the first time in 32+ years there'll be no Mrs. F.  No children (hardly children anymore) and thats 24 years so that will be a big difference.

I think that I've made the right decision but I could see that there is a wallet versus your heart situation here.  I suppose I could have blagged it out for the rest of my life - I was comfortable enough, I guess I only needed to make the barest of a living and I had the house and a good enough life but as I write this, I know that deep down inside now, it may have lasted a year or two but I'd be back at this decision point again.  Yes writing it down has answered the question.  this happens a lot of course when you are trying to resolve these things in your head.  I have a document that I write to all the time - more than this blog - and it's where I ask and answer these questions.  Am I doing the right things etc?

Of course, the question I posed at the start is important too.  I've halved my wealth and that of Mrs. F. too of course.  It doesn't mean that you are poor of course.  What it does mean is that suddenly, you changed from a large house in a nice area to a smaller place in maybe not such a nice area.  You aren't living where you wanted to live - and I do like this area, always have.  Unlike my parents I've lived in this house 26 years and before then lived in a place we knew we would move from for about 7 years.  I daren't even think how many times my folks have moved in that time :-)  So moving about (and I'm going to do a bit of that I reckon) will be new to me.  I have no idea where I will end up at all.  In my heart I feel it may be further out than here but what will be will be.

I'm following my heart, at last.  Following my previous course was OK but the only person who seemed to be unhappy about that was me!  

I will be disappointed to be going.  Disappointed that it ended up this way but I shouldn't be surprised as I had been paddling upstream for years trying desperately to get everyone to change.  Everyone but me that is :-) I maintained that I believe I did everything right for everyone except myself.  Now is the time to change that and I can imagine for a short while I will be upset - it will be saying goodbye to a life and a lifestyle that I became accustomed to but I wasn't, or don't think I was, ever going to be able to maintain.

Life goes on and change is perhaps the only constant we have.  The thing to do now if to seize the opportunities that lie ahead and not to fall into anymore ruts along the way!  Easier said than done I tarry.  

More On Diet

If we needed anymore on diet and the low fat regimen that has poisoned a generation or two then here is yet another blog that throws light on what is going on out there. 

In one place this heart surgeon states:

 "Let me repeat that: The injury and inflammation in our blood vessels is caused by the low fat diet recommended for years by mainstream medicine."

It should come as no surprise that we are all trying to eat what we are told is healthy food and yet piling on the pounds.  I disagree with the fruit comment especially if you are trying not to spike your insulin.  Today's fruit is particularly bad for you as it isn't naturally occurring - once again you may worry about genetic modification but breeders have been hard at it for a long time making fruit sweeter and therefore high in Fructose.  Think that glass of Orange juice is good for you?  You may as well have three or four tablespoons of sugar!  Man never had year round fruit, he didn't evolve on carbohydrates and a few thousands years of "progress" is not enough to evolve to eat the food that we conveniently pick up in a store.  Not sure how ancient man got his Pizza and Cola?  I like the fact that a Good English Breakfast is pretty good for you  apart that is from the bread and the milk in your tea or coffee :-)  All the worries about fat and frying (as long as it is in fat or a good oil) can go away.  If you use Sunflower or similar oils then you are introducing the problems there not in the fried food itself :-) 

It seems crazy but 100 years ago there were no cardiologists, no dietitians and nutrition experts, very few allergies etc.  Look elsewhere in the animal kingdom and you don't see many obese animals (except pets).  Yet since these new "healthy eating guidelines" were introduced in the 1970s obesity has rocketed as has Diabetes.  It wouldn't surprise me if other problems related to blood pressure and heart disease, allergies, intolerances and many many ailments are caused through diet.

The World Of High Finance

Well not so high really :-) I've been swapping stuff around and moving funds from one place to the next.  It's good fun but sometimes it can be a bit bizarre as you'd have thought that electronic transfer was a little faster than it sometimes is.  I've had to withdraw funds from one place today and it took a couple of hours.  I moved some money over in case we need to put a deposit down on the house tomorrow and it went across instantly :-)  

I'm quite enjoying all this moving money around but I'm going to enjoy it even more to set up my business and to start getting some cash rolling in.  It's a nightmare at the moment as I really want to get cracking but circumstances preclude me from doing that - it's only really that I can't concentrate on sorting the business out and give it full attention and that's because of the atmosphere here but I am pleased to say that whilst it isn't great, it isn't nasty.  It is business like I think it is fair to say.

I was in two minds whether to go out again tonight but once again, I need to put the brakes on that.  Going out is fine but it defeats two objectives - one is losing weight as beer just piles on the weight - liquid bread.  Additionally of course it also costs money and I'm already going out next Tuesday and I might be out on Saturday.  I just need to be careful that I don't spend half my leisure time down the pub.  I tend to spend most of my days and my evenings here at the computer - I leave the downstairs to Mrs. F and L to watch whatever they watch.  Occasionally I will  watch the idiot box.  

I don't need to rush starting the business either - it will take as long as it takes of course.  What I do need to do is to get in, settled and then to get the plan together and execute it.  I am actually planning and pulling stuff together now albeit in short bursts so that I can document it and be ready.

I think it is also just dawning on me the seriousness of the decision I've taken and I do feel slightly daunted but also quite excited too.  In many ways the adventure can get started and I can begin to rebuild my life and it's a strange feeling in many ways but not one that upsets me.  I think I will be upset in reality when I leave and don't need to keep coming back to this house.  But then again, I think that the break, the physical move away will also be the impetus to change and to live life the way I want to live it and under my rules.  I think perhaps Mrs. F. will also then free up a bit - it must be awful for her too with me in the house even though I try and keep out of the way she has a constant reminder of me in the house.  Once I've gone then we will see what her thoughts might be.

I surely hope that the girls will rally around her.  I feel that things aren't good all around but this has been dragging on for quite a while and now we have got past Christmas and the New Year - perhaps things are beginning to change a fair bit.

Alright - That Was Good

Yes - finally we saw a series of houses that were around the right ball-park and big enough, decorated enough and of the right sort of price for us.

We settled on two out of four we have looked at.  I think the one in the middle is a compromise between the three - it's a bit like Goldilocks :-)  Just hope that we hear that things are signed off for Flocky and we can get started and moving!  It really can't come too soon for me really.  I guess the biggest issue is going to be the Internet and utilities getting those sorted out.

I actually felt quite bullish once we'd seen them all - each was sufficiently different from the other to actually make it difficult to compare like for like.  But we aren't going to be there for a long time and we don't want to have a hugely luxurious place if we aren't going to call it a home. 

One of the nice things I like about the place in the middle is it is in the country and it is also only about 10 minutes away by car from my place.  It has access to country walks too so that looks good.  Two others are close to each other, near a station and in a quieter road but a bit further out maybe 20 minutes drive but not that bad.  

The other one is local to here but surprisingly we think it is further from the shops and train station than the others :-)

Anyway - I'm really charged up about them and there's good space and a good location - ideal.

A Little Thing To Make You Think

“Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.” 
― Rumi

My music tastes have altered as I disengage myself from past friendships and disconnect associating certain music with certain events - it sounds strange but I can recollect what each tune means and how I felt is contained in the melody and/or the words.  Some still unsettle me and so I've shifted towards some of my progressive rock albums and I'm really getting back into stuff that I'd left behind years ago.  Also some new stuff  - this is Airbag and All Rights Removed.

It's quite an interesting 50 minutes of Progressive Rock - well more Neo-Progressive really.  I'm listening to this, Dream Theater, Porcupine Tree and Steve Wilson at the moment and I'm retuning myself entirely.  I've had to as I was finding sadness in the other tracks.  It is sad to move on.  I was talking to my friend about how I missed reading to the Children - all the books they had, all the fun of bedtime stories and how I miss that but you gradually grow away and the kids grow up and move on - that's the way of life.  We look back nostalgically to those key moments and we feel sad but in reality we shouldn't because that's the way of the world.  We all age and grow up and it's part of this circle of life.  

I felt I was getting somewhere today at last and it may well be just meeting that one person that I may never meet again but you suddenly see something about people.  Generally we are good and kind people.  I spoke to lots of people at the pub and this young lady too.  Everyone was kind and pleasant.  Life's not half as bad as the papers and the media make it, they play on our ability to beat ourselves up.  I think I just had my "faith in humanity" repaid last night.

I haven't heard back from this chap who wants me to pay him loads of money back on eBay and he hasn't responded to my last response which was for him to take his case to Customer Services.  Mind you it could take weeks to sort the damn thing out.   Not that I worry about that apart from it just means there are loose ends floating around as I move.  I'm sure it will all come out in the wash.

So off in the morning to go look at some houses and see where we stand with that.   It is half way through January now and I think that we thought we would have been sorted and in a place by now :-)  Maybe once we know tomorrow or Friday we can actually sort out and get the place and get cracking.  I was playing with some figures earlier and the hit this is going to make on my savings is eye watering - there the flat, bills and all that but of course, setting up a business all costs money and whilst I can slowly bring in some of the stuff - the key equipment is needed from day one!  Well week one perhaps.  

It's all a big adventure, a new start and a new life.  Whatever happens I just need to enjoy it and not forget that.  Quite how you measure your "enjoyment" I'm not sure but I do intend to make sure that I enjoy my freedom and actually do something with it.

Must Have Been A Good Day

There's nothing quite like getting a little boost and I must have because I spent today motoring on with my Operations and Sales and Marketing mind maps.  I have really not been able to tackle them because my heart isn't in it and the creative atmosphere I need just wasn't available.  Today, I guess my ego has been brushed up the right way, and I'm in a good place, really creative and firing on most if not all cylinders.

It is stuff I really needed to get out of my head but I still don't think I will be properly "in the zone" until I move out of here.  There's some maths I was trying to do last night and I really need to be clear of atmosphere to do that.  It's not so much complex as it just needs logic and thought applied and then to test what I've done.  I fear making a mistake at the moment through distraction.

So I was really elevated by that little encounter, made my day and who knows may be the catalyst to get me moving a bit more than I've been able to.

Off in the morning house hunting.  One of the ones we liked has gone we are seeing three which should help us to make up our minds in the next day or two.

Confidence Boost

I have been in a good place all day today.  Just that one meeting and chat this morning means that I can strike up a conversation and it was OK - I dread it but if I've learnt one thing this year it is that I'm not found abhorrent or disliked.   I am different to a lot of blokes so I suppose it may be that that is interesting about me?

Anyway, I certainly feel OK and suddenly the worries that nagged at me about meeting people aren't quite so stuck in my mind.  I should know this anyway!