Flashbacks, Fantasies, Meaningless Recollections

 I'd be lying if I said that I haven't been "quite right" this past year and possibly since April 2020 if I think about it.

Strange things are happening which I can attribute to my Ego a bit and to a strange feeling about my own morbidity.  I've realised that I am now OLD or so they say.  I see people of my age around me dying and suddenly to the front of my mind comes an acknowledgement that indeed, I've lived longer than I'm going to live and I am then haunted by these flashbacks and fantasies.

They are in general fond recollections of relationships I had and they are vivid memories, things I'd long forgotten but here's the strange thing, in those are regrets and what ifs.  By that I mean that I didn't do specific things then that I perhaps could have.  These take form all at once and then they stay with me for some days, the same scenario played over in various ways with the how I wanted it to be at the beginning then how it is at the end and also all the permutations that could have unfolded. 

Example:  A friend of mine that I have known since I was 15 or so.  She married another friend of mine and then divorced and is now married again.  When we were young she was very special to me and on one occasion we spent an innocent day where we just held hands and strolled in the summer sun and life was lovely and that's it.  Nothing else happened.  We all hung around together and she was involved with my friend and that was it.

The dream sequence goes along the line that we are at an unidentified friend's funeral.  She and I are chatting and quite suddenly she turns towards me and sees my (quite clearly affectionate) expression and asks "how long have you felt like this?" I look rather shyly at her and state "Since that day we held hands when we were teenagers."  What goes on from there varies from finally we get together to her being unable to leave her husband to a series of what if scenarios about maybe I should have just said something at the time.

Example: A daydream will flash before me and it is my girlfriend and I in our white clothes (you have to be a 70s couple) going out to the beach and she and I are great together.  Both of us are fit, thin, healthy, young and we've got great skin and the world at our feet and it all fell apart a few months later - work circumstances and so we went separate ways.  You can't unfix life but things would have been different if we had different circumstances.  She was lovely, very sweet and the odd dreams then play around with timelines and what ifs.  I go back to some of our adventures, the car I had the journeys and the fun times but why is this happening?  What on earth does it achieve?

None of these things can ever be, there's no chance of me getting back together with something that happened more than 40 years ago. So what is my brain trying to achieve with all this stuff.  It isn't just the dream it's the feeling - I can feel the sun on my body, the breeze, the exhilaration and so on.

Each dream moves on to make room for another after a few days or up to a week in some cases.  My recent one about my "Angel" is vivid, romantic, tearful and sad and exhilarating at the same time.  She made a huge impact on me, perhaps of anyone I've ever known.  Such intensity of feelings in such a short time, so madly in love and yet the whole relationship was doomed from the start.  Being human and not a calculating machine makes you overlook the impossibility of the situation but yet it happened and it was amazing.  INTJs are rubbish at that sort of relationship normally.  So I flash back to the music, the wait to meet each other, the melding of our minds and bodies.  The days were fantastic, I was transported to a place where I was completely connected to my surroundings and I spent ages in the golden wheat fields and then the shady woods.

This is happening now, it is as if I am replaying these moments and then regretting that things turned out like they have.  You can't go back, things cannot change from the way they are.  What would I do if they could change?  Would we get back together and what damage would that cause to life today and there is the whirlpool in my head smashing all these relationships, feelings, ideas, fantasies and outcomes together mashing up a thousand outcomes to every possible nuance saying "what if" this or that happened.

So I don't really get what is going on.  I think that I am having some sort of sorting it out moment.  I'm not sure things are good at the moment.  I am certainly not in a great place for sure.  Maybe it's something that is deeper, maybe my brain/body know something and I'm just too stupid to have figured it out (another INTJ issue BTW).  Yes, maybe it's something that the rest of me has worked out and my head just hasn't caught up with.

Embracing Life After Beating Bladder Cancer

I thought I'd us AI to write this for me.  It's pretty good.... 

A Journey of Resilience and Hope

18 years ago, the world turned upside down when the diagnosis of bladder cancer was confirmed. The road ahead seemed daunting, filled with uncertainty and fear. Every day was a battle, a constant struggle to face the challenges that came with the diagnosis. But today, 2 years on from receiving the all-clear, there is a sense of victory, a feeling of freedom and gratitude that fills the heart.

The Rollercoaster of Emotions

The journey through bladder cancer is not just physical but also emotional. The initial shock of the diagnosis, the fear of the unknown, and the grueling treatments can take a toll on even the strongest of souls. It's a rollercoaster of emotions, with moments of despair and hope intertwined, creating a whirlwind of feelings that can be overwhelming.

Finding Strength in Resilience

Despite the challenges and the uncertainties that come with battling cancer, there is a strength that emerges from within. It's the resilience to keep fighting, the courage to face each day with a positive outlook, and the determination to never give up. It's this resilience that propels individuals forward, pushing them to overcome the obstacles that come their way.

Cherishing Every Moment

After facing the darkness that comes with a cancer diagnosis, every moment of normalcy feels like a blessing. The simple joys of everyday life, the laughter shared with loved ones, and the beauty of the world around us seem to shine brighter than ever before. It's a reminder to cherish every moment, to live fully and embrace life with open arms.

The Power of Hope

Hope is a powerful force that can light up even the darkest of days. It's the belief that better days are ahead, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how dim it may seem. Holding onto hope can provide the strength needed to keep moving forward, to keep fighting, and to never lose sight of the possibilities that tomorrow may bring.

Looking to the Future

As the journey continues beyond the all-clear, there is a sense of optimism for the future. Each day is a gift, an opportunity to create new memories, to pursue dreams that may have seemed out of reach before. It's a chance to live life to the fullest, to savor every moment, and to find joy in the little things that often go unnoticed.

In conclusion, the journey of battling bladder cancer is filled with challenges, but it is also a testament to the resilience of the human spirit. It's a journey of hope, of strength, and of embracing life with gratitude and joy. Despite the obstacles that may come our way, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, waiting to guide us towards a future filled with endless possibilities.

Time Wasting

Maybe I've earned a gold medal in procrastination! I have these cycles where I'm a productivity machine, and then...well, let's just say my couch becomes super comfy.

The good news is, I know the antidote: baby elephant bites! You can't conquer a giant task all at once, but you can chip away at it bit by bit. Today, I took that first bite by getting a haircut (long overdue!). It might seem small, but it's a win!

My goal? Tackle a quarter of my to-do list each day. That feels achievable, and progress is motivating! Here's to slaying procrastination, one small step at a time!

Here We Go Again

 After a week of activity I once again find myself sitting here, at my PC doing the square root of sweet Fanny Adams!  I cannot get myself motivated to do things, I'm organised and disorganised all at the same time!  I want to do something but I can't

Went out yesterday to a pub, had a beer or two then promptly on the way home picked up a load of beer and had a few more and now I feel bad about that as I sort of promised myself not to do that.

I've a list of things to do but I am just not getting round to doing them.  I've done the house things I said I'd do but now there's a list as long as my arm to do.  I just feel like doing nothing once again.  It's annoying as this procrastination is just getting me nowhere.  I'd really, really like to get off my arse and do something but cannot be bothered.  Then I reflect late in the afternoon about the things I could have done and beat myself up for not doing them.

So, I'm going to see if I can pop out of this rut, the biggest rut you have to get out of is the one you are in as an old friend once told me.

Well lets' see how it goes - I know there's the problem and I'm just not dealing with it! 

Glimpsing My Angel

 Of all the loves of my life, one shines through.  My life was turned upside down and indeed, I'm where I am today because of the experience.

It wasn't to be, it probably never was to be but it happened and it freed my mind and broke down the pretty awful place I was in back then.  It's eleven years ago now, about this time of year and we had an intense yet brief time.  I don't want to say too much about that except how it made me feel.  For once in my life I was able to shake off all the crazy stuff in my head and just enjoy life.  Walking through the golden corn fields near my house a little later on in the year it was as if I was connected to the fields of gold (cue Sting song LOL).  

I walked through the woods and around the country park a lot, through the fields, through the tunnel of trees, past the church, had coffee at the local cafe and a cheeky beer or two at the village pub.  It seemed that the sun was always out and when we met, the magic was amazing.  Just thinking about it now tingles my senses and I get quite emotional remembering those precious moments we had together.  The intensity of those moments was amazing.

But it wasn't to be and within 5 months it was all over and the pain was awful.  It didn't help that I'd decided to leave my wife and start divorce proceedings and yet that wasn't a result of one thing it had been on the cards for years but I just hadn't done anything about it.

I randomly saw a post yesterday with her in it, looking exactly as I remember her.  She had a way of looking directly at the camera as if only looking at me.  My heart raced and I flashed back to our times at the "secret garden" and the lakes, the country park, the country pub we met in and the messages and phone calls and the amazing time we had.

I think she is happy and I content myself that having met this amazing woman, having spent just a short time with her, loved her unconditionally and shared more of myself than anyone else has experienced, that she will continue to do so.  That she will continue her journey free and full of life.  I'd like to think that she thinks about me once in a while.  I think about her quite often when I reflect on how lucky I was to meet her, share a little time with her but it is her humanity and goodness that I love more than anything.  She has the most engaging smile, she has a keen sense of humour but behind those wonderful eyes (you have to see them as to me they twinkle) is someone who you can feel being in the presence of, who cares deeply and who loves life and everyone in it.

I really miss her and I often wonder whether those romantic dreams of country living and carefree wind blown seaside walks would ever have come about?  

Still Coughing Away Here

 I've had this cold for almost two weeks now.  It's just one of those strange ones, possibly a Covid type thing as I keep coughing and its like I had in 2019 it just doesn't go away.

In other news, I am working on changing my lifestyle a bit more as I really need to get out of the rut I'm in at the moment.  I was in a bad way last year and I came out of that but I'm really not firing on all cylinders although I am getting things done around the house.

Diet I know is one of the things I need to change and I've started that now.  I need to change all sorts of habit including drinking.  I was having a beer or "just having a beer" a little too foten - only in the evenings but even so - it was getting a little out of hand and so I've packed that in altogether for now and I'll work on strategies to minimise drinking - the problem is, I do enjoy a beer but they are full of carbs and liquid bread as they say.

Hopefully I will start to see improvements in weight loss and feeling a bit less sluggish.

And, Just Like That, You're Old

Today, I suddenly felt old.  I got Bladder Cancer in my late 40s and it wasn't until I was in my mid 60s that they signed me off.  17 Year it was and it flashed by when looking back on it.  So much happened and here I am, divorced now with a new partner, new house and it just hit me that I no longer have the energy and stamina I once had.  I look old.  A look in the mirror sort of provides a shocking image back to me.  My hands have started to shake, not all the time, but occasionally and  this cold I caught is still here, over a week later.

I now really think things through before I do them.  I've been active this week in between coughs but I need to take more breaks, be more aware of health and safety. Going up and down ladders, picking up heavy objects that sort of thing.  

Then you have friends dying, celebrities dying younger than you and you're more aware of your own mortality.

Strangely enough, I don't feel any older I just notice it more that's all.  I recollect my father's words to me "Don't get old, son"

But here we are, nothing I can do about it except accept it and just get on doing my thing. 

Cold - A Little Unusual

 This is the strangest of colds.  I felt fine late yesterday afternoon and watched some TV and then went to bed.  10 minutes in I started coughing and it was the sort of cough, cough, cough that never clears your throat. Neither was it the sort of thing that could be called tickly although it is today!  I had a bad night's sleep and blow me, after an hour of feeling rough this morning I felt better!

Now, this afternoon I've started coughing again and have a nagging little headache thing going on too.  For someone who rarely (these days) suffers from such things it is a bit annoying.  

I'm going to give it another try tonight and do some Lemsip before bed and see if I can shift it.  It will be a week today that I've caught it and it just hasn't gone away but fades and gets worse in random ways.

Cold From Hell? Thank Your Grandchildren

Something "going around" they say. Indeed.... well I have it and it is most unpleasant as it has those traditional Flu type symptoms mixed in with a cold, sore throat, sneezing, coughing - in fact just about every symptom you can imagine including the headache, muzziness and brain fog.   

"A Ha!, Covid!!" they exclaim but it isn't like that at all as far as I can tell anyway and I'm not buying a lump of plastic to tell me I've got a cold either - when did you ever need a test for that FFS.

So I'm not impressed as I've had this for about 5 days now.  It's bad in the mornings and then late afternoon I feel fine, I go to bed but then I'm coughing, breathing through my mouth as my nose is blocked and every now and then a bout of sneezes to top it all off.

I'm going hot all over as I write this so will take off my fleece because I felt cold this morning.  June is surprisingly cold for summer so far.

Anyway, whoever had a winter cold in summer?  It could remotely be Hay Fever but not with so many symptoms and whilst my eyes feel a bit tired they aren't sore like I sometimes get.

It is also debilitating - trying to do anything physical is exhausting and I'll need a break after writing this.  My hands ache and staring at the screen is also tiring.

Anyway, I know who to thank for this cold although he has no real signs of it apart from the cough.  Also, he's far too sweet to blame him LOL! 

D-Day 80 years ago

 I have just written an article about someone I knew who never mentioned he was involved in D-Day.  It was not until we attended his funeral that it was mentioned in his eulogy.  As a young man aged just 19, he piloted a landing craft running men and equipment into the beaches on the momentous day.

He never spoke about it.  Just imagine what bravery you'd need to do that and how being so young, what horrors and images you saw.  

Amazing, brave men all of them and our they fought for our future.  It's a pity that today's 19 year olds would give it all away without thought. 

Election Incoming

 The late Labour MP, Tony Benn, had a very good observation about politics:

"In the course of my life I have developed five little democratic questions. If one meets a powerful person--Adolf Hitler, Joe Stalin or Bill Gates--ask them five questions: “What power have you got? Where did you get it from? In whose interests do you exercise it? To whom are you accountable? And how can we get rid of you?” If you cannot get rid of the people who govern you, you do not live in a democratic system."

So here we are, a snap election and the main parties are lying through their teeth, putting up smoke and mirror type arguments, coming up with totally unworkable policies and talking about POWER.  They don't want to do what they are meant to do they want, and they openly state it, POWER!

We, the public do not seem to realise what Tony Benn's words actually mean.  The answer to every question he sets is US or ME.  It only works because we let them and these people are meant to be our servants.  It's only that I don't want to sell my soul to become a politician that I vote for someone else to do it.  They think they have a right to govern over me but hold on, that's not how it is meant to work at all.  But here we are, again and again.

Why we put up with this two party system, these useless managers who would never be able to hold down a real job is beyond me.  To quote Edmond Blackadder, "I wouldn't trust any of them to sit the right way up on a toilet!".

The great British public perhaps do not understand that these "Politicians" govern BY CONSENT that's the deal and if you take away your consent, en masse, then what will they do?  We need to become ungovernable and we need to beak the system so it does what we want it to do.

I like that most of my friends think that I am a Conservative and yet whilst I lean towards those principles I find that we live in a world where the tail wags the dog so to speak.  The minority have a major say in how the majority live and that, is not the way it works although it does at the moment.  There will be a reckoning as I recollect the bullies at School all got their comeuppance in one way or another.  There's always a bigger fighter and revenge by victims make take many years but it often times occurs.  I'll leave that there but eventually karma has a way of resolving these things.

In business too, the incompetent and useless managers get found out albeit some wiggle their way up and out many will eventually (not fast enough for me) be rewarded for their bad deeds.  It takes just one of their charges to expose things but it can't be done in the way I'd like but by stealth works well generally and the satisfaction to see the mighty fallen is emblematic of "revenge is a dish best served cold." 

Where am I going with this?  The "people" whinge and moan and yet they perpetuate the state of politics and do not have the courage (or the wit perhaps) to do something different.  I have in the past few elections.  If everyone withdrew their consent it would be interesting - I cannot for a million years imagine it would happen as people are terrified of a labour Government and would hold their noses and vote for Conservatives.  The Greens and Lib Dems have shown themselves to be two sandwiches short of a picnic with bonkers plans made to make us all poorer.  Socialism the way they operate it would soon bankrupt us all.

You can spoil your ballot paper - it gets counted as a spoiled vote and so when they state the results these are also noted.  I see one other person and I did this in a recent council election!  It's not enough of us.  There maybe a protest vote available to Reform party but we wait to see whether this will happen.  Unfortunately there are no charismatic leaders and nothing inspiring at all in these corrupt, worthless, morally bankrupt people.

Perhaps the great British public will awaken from their slumbers and actually do something. I doubt it though.  

The Hokey Cokey. What if that really IS what it is all about?

SO, what's it all about?  Funny isn't it?  Life that is.  I wondered about this as we had a Dog attack on the Sheep in our field at the back of us on Monday night and a Sheep died, leaving a couple of Orphan Lambs and my neighbour went up to confirm what had happened, I rang the Shepherd to tell him the bad news.

The dog owner disappeared.  She let her dog loose and it killed a sheep - I'm sure it is the same dog as the day before that scattered the Sheep all over the place.

People sometimes p1ss me right off.  It's the dog's nature but people, who own and look after dogs, are complete arseholes to let their dog off a lead when livestock are about.  Their dog can get shot for bothering livestock too.  I think the owner should be shot (I know we aren't allowed to) but it is hardly the dog's fault now is it? But they'd be the one destroyed if found.

So this person has run away almost certainly knowing that they have caused a fatality and the Shepherd has lost a Sheep, has two orphaned Lambs to do something with and has the expense and trauma involved.  My neighbours and I also have some trauma to deal with too.  They didn't stop to talk to the Shepherd as they knew that their dog could be destroyed, no compensation for him and all the trouble he's had to breed and look after his flock.  UTTER GITS these people. 

If I see the person again I will take a photo and challenge them.  It's not the first time this dog has run through the field.

These are probably the same people who, by law must pick up their dog's faeces and place in a bag but instead of taking it home or putting it in a provided dog bin decided to flick the bag into the Hedgerow where perhaps some animal might ingest it and die painfully (horses are particularly prone to do this I understand) and what posses these people to come into the countryside and do such things?  Have they no idea what they are doing.  I'm getting fed up of picking up plastic water bottles and cans, crisp packets, MacDonald's packaging, removing dog poo bags and so on.  

I want to yell "WHAT THE F**K IS WRONG WITH YOU?!!!" at these pitiful excuses of human beings.  You just know these are the one preaching "Environmentalism, Electric Cars, Solar Panels, Save the Whales" and all that sh1t.  Proselytising virtue signalling WANK*RS the bloody lot of them.  

Anyway, why are these people allowed to exist in this world?  Why do they do so much damage to the environment around them whilst virtue signalling everyone else that they are the planet's custodians. Hypocritical Bastards!  

World Leading Health Service

 Yes, I kind of owe my life to the NHS (National Health Service) BUT, since COVID it's all turned to sh1t.  I was speaking to a number of older gentlemen last week and one went to the Doctor who sent him directly to A&E.  He spent 18 hours and then overnight in a chair there.  He's had tests and scans and has been back three times each time lasting more than 8 hours.

So why didn't the Doctor's surgery deal with it?  I don't know.  Then another chap was stating how long he waited and it's a recurring thing.   Only the Press think we have a world class service.  If you criticise them you get pilloried and then you hear the Politicians stating that they are "investing" more.  It takes £1/2 Billion a day to run now!  1 in every 22 people in the UK works in the health service!  Throwing money at it doesn't work and no one wants to tackle what's at the bottom of it all.  

They don't actually concentrate on patients at all.  They say don't privatise it but perhaps if it were it would run properly.  Whenever I've been to a private hospital the difference is amazing.  Unbelievably you get seen on time, greeted with a coffee or tea and looked after, kept informed and it's almost like being in a hotel!  Totally different.  It's been decentralised and because previous administrations played a little blinder by selling off the premises and renting them back to the NHS it costs a fortune to run.  Little stock control and appallingly bad management have meant that they concentrate on navel gazing and spreadsheet management and are not "customer focused" that is where the problem lies.  Too busy making sure the planet isn't boiling over - 138 climate change senior director/managers, inclusion officers, HR types and all that malarkey.  There's jobs for the boys everywhere.  

Add to that the waste and incompetence displayed and the useless systems that don't appear to work properly (remember they sent me to the wrong Hospital and then had the temerity to strike me off the list for non attendance at an appointment - knowing full well as I spoke to them - they had sent me to the wrong place).  When you get there, there's no where to park, you have to pay to park and it's a bit rich if you don't know how long you will be, if you get delayed you get a fine for overstaying your allotted parking time.

Having worked there and been a patient, I have seen first hand the level of service and it needs to change but no one has the balls or the inclination to change it.  All the time they spend out money making the mistakes and out money trying to put those right whilst programming in even greater failures to come.  

I really hope that I will not need these people.  It is ludicrous that we have to settle for such poor service and it is getting worse and not better. 

Stranger Times

I'm thinking that I am going through some strange things at the moment.  I am steering clear of TV and limiting Social Media exposure as much as possible.  I have caught myself having too much to drink and so I've stopped that altogether.  I love the taste of beer, always have done but I think having 2 or 3 pints a night isn't perhaps really that good for me.

The Sheep have arrived in the field behind us.  Nice to see new life bouncing around and joyful.  I need to remind myself to be more like that if possible.  I'm actually in this sort of waiting for God stage.  Friends dying, mortality staring me in the face and I suddenly realise that if I pop my clogs now, there'll be a bit of a mess to clear up with all these accounts and things so I need to go a bit morbid and make some sort of arrangements to make things easier.  I don't think that will be soon but you never know.  There are people younger than me dying all around me and it sort of gets you thinking.

Then there's stuff.  All the stuff lying around that I have no idea what it is doing here.  Will I ever use it?  Is it ever going to be useful?  Can I do without it?  That sort of thing.  It's a strange old thing having a reflective period, looking back on my life, for no especial reason but listening to certain songs takes me right back to various times in my life and things I did etc.  

In all of this the one thing that seems missing now is the wonder, the excitement, the life I had back then.  Getting a house, doing it up, my first car, going to gigs, girls, playing in the band, going out, having fun, College, the jobs I did and all that seemed so much more alive and exciting back in the 70s.  Ho Hum.  I need to recapture this for my retirement and do things that I always wanted to do if I had the time. Now I have the time, it is filled with banality and hum drum maintenance tasks.  The couple of granddad trips I did recently were perhaps the right things.  Days at the Zoo, Steam Trains, Diggerland and so on.  

I wonder if I actually need to work on these.  I don't feel much like doing them until I do them and then it is alright.  

Strange Thing That - I Cannot Remember

 This is strange - 2021 and 2022 weren't great and 2023 was pretty bad for me - I think it was all the Covid Sh1t frankly.  I was on and off not well although I only had Covid the twice (I think).

Strange is that I am doing some accounts for two separate entities and there are payments I have made into those accounts that I can find no records for at all.  I see I have made payment from my personal account into the club accounts but not why.  In all other cases I can see my usual notes and records showing what payments are made, who they are for and so on but in three cases now in 2022 are payments with no tag on them, no data at all!

I know they were bad years as I let go the reins on a few things but my mind is a total blank on what these payments were for.

It's got me worried as I have a very good memory and I'm also relatively good at keeping tabsl on things.  I'd better watch what I'm doing I think.  .  

A-Ha!  Well a good night's sleep and a quick look at my calendar revealed that I banked the payments for an event we attended (charity raffle) and for me having a guest at a meeting but unusually I had not entered it on to the control sheet but onto the dining plan!  DOH!!!  So all is well, I just didn't put the information where I usually do! 

To Social Media or not?

 I actually think it has been good for me not to be on Twitter (X) or Facebook for a while.  I am feeling a lot better than I was - Twitter can be a very dark place and can lead you into some pretty unpleasant things although it's not all like that of course.  Facebook is a bit of a cesspit likewise and so I only go on there to see how my close friends and family are doing and wish happy birthday, anniversary and so on.

I was asked to go back on mainly because of my jokes and the like but I think I will do that intermittently.  I'm keeping clear if I can of TV too and the news is - I am sure - designed to make you feel down too.

But here's the thing.  I posted this yesterday and suggested people take a break from Facebook etc.

This short film by Steve Cutts excellently demonstrates why to give your tech a rest.  Also it has Yann Tierson's excellent Amelie soundtrack running throughout.

It's worth considering just giving yourself a break or limiting your time on Social Media if you start to find, like I did last year, quite desperate and down about things.  Dark times last year and I'm gradually getting out of it but I'm still not really feeling great about going  out and doing things.  Forced myself to go to some things that I'd rather not do.  

I have found that doing three or four projects around the house has helped me to feel better about myself and also added to a sense of being useful and productive.  

Active Therapy

 Had some ups and downs this last week but I have found that getting on and doing something has helped quite a bit.

I re-did the electric gates with new improved arms and control panel albeit it's never straightforward is it?  The Post has got a little slanted due to all the wind bashing against  the gates.  So I had to wedge that and I'll need to keep my eye on it.  I've strimmed the whole back lawn - just the front and side to do to complete.  The new LED Lighting is ready to be installed in the snug.  The mirror film for privacy has also been installed and the Bow Window repaired and added support brackets (Who puts in windows and doesn't put in the support brackets FFS?).

I've made an illuminated back box frame for the Stained Glass Window we had spare and used levelling feet but horizontally to fix it into the Chimney Alcove.  It looks great.

So I have been busy as you like which has stopped me doing the inward thinking that's been going on.  I am running through bits of my life that may have turned out differently.  My Angel from 2013 was on my mind then someone from the 1990s who I knew very well and just lost touch with.  There's I suppose the everything happens for a reason or that sort of thing but I don't know about that.  The mind likes playing "what if" and some of it is I suppose to do with the ego trying to get back in control.

I dreamt that I met with a girl I knew when I was 16.  She went on to marry a friend of mine, then they got divorced and she married again.  I don't see her often and perhaps exchange a message once a year or so.  In the dream we meet at some event Wedding/Funeral that sort of thing and she looks me directly in my eyes and her face changes and she says "Oh no, how long have you loved me?"  I say "Since that first day I met you and you held my hand on that late summer walk."  

That my friends is the ego trying to get control of me.  Recognising it as such will stop the pain but the underlying element of truth in that dream is real.  

Getting Out and About

 I is a difficult thing to explain if you've not experienced it but being an INTJ type doesn't help in the first place, getting ill when I did, pushed me further towards not enjoying things (like driving my car, going on a train, going inside crowded places) and last year's out of nowhere Black Dog episodes didn't do me any good at all really.

I much prefer my own company and doing introvert things.  I lack certain empathetic traits.  Someone asked me how my other half was and I said OK but totally forgot to ask how their other half was.  I'm like that all the time.  I'm not being rude but it isn't in my programming to ask such things.  It isn't really relevant to me. 

This week I have actually been out twice and tonight makes it three times!  That's more than I would do in a month.  In fact we are also going out on Sunday too so four times in a week. It's almost unheard of.  Driving into South London was interesting not having done that journey for at least 20 years I'd say.  It's changed beyond belief and is fraught with strange road layouts and crazy London Drivers.  As I was one years ago it was easier for me to drive and my passengers didn't want to drive themselves.  I don't blame them it's sh1t for cure.  Anyways, a good day out and one I enjoyed seeing some superb Victorian engineering at Crossness Engines Trust . It was of great interest to me as I worked at Kempton and Chelsea Pumping Stations when I was a junior project engineer installing electric pumps to supplement the diesel ones they were using.  The Victorian architecture and engineering are staggering in their beauty and functionality.

It's cost me extra money as the Mayor charged me for the privilege of driving in the Sh1t hole that London has become under him.  IN fact twice this week I've had to stump up £12.50 to take my car over some imaginary fairy land border where as you cross it the air quality somehow changes!   It's utter bollocks but there you go.  It's annoying that I can't vote in the mayoral elections.  Taxation without representation indeed.

Anyway, onward, I'm out again tonight and Sunday and what's good about that is I'm not sitting at home in front of my PC and I'm meeting people again.  That helps when you are trying to get away from having your head invaded by the Black Dog(s) and it helps to bring some normality back to me life.  I am accepting invites but don't really want to but I realise that it will do me good just to get out and about so I'm forcing myself to do things.

I've a lot of projects to complete too which will keep me busy around the house and stop me slipping back into my inwardly reflecting natural mode of operating.

If you are feeling down, do try and get out.  It actually helps once you get past the "con't be bothered" stage. 

Anger - Where it gets you?

 Nowhere.  You knew that didn't you?  I've just been explaining to someone that I've got a problem with a supplier and they have had delay after delay.  I could get angry or accept that it is what it is and deal with it.  What would me getting angry actually do?  A momentary release of pent up annoyance I suppose but would it help the situation?  Probably not.  The supplier might just refuse to sort things out or walk away.  That's not what I want, I want my goods.

So get rid of your anger, think it through and approach it in a way that they will feel that they will be able to finally deliver for you.  They aren't being obviously obstructive, they are sorry that things haven't worked out as expected and so I can work with them or we go and have a fight.

It;s easier to make your point and then solicit cooperation to actually get to where you want to be.  Both parties "win" so to speak, a Win/Win situation.  Whilst it isn't ideal, it promotes good will and what do you ever get by being angry or having some sort of altercation?  You just get entrenchment and disillusionment, resentment and the like.

Getting Stuff Done

 I don't know if you have trouble getting stuff done?  I never used to but for perhaps 10 to 15 years now I have let procrastination into my life and as a Project Manager / Programme Director type it is pretty awful.

I often wonder what I am doing sitting at my PC when I could be out or doing something and breaking the social media cycle seems to have helped a bit.  Today I managed to get a number of web articles finished that I started two months ago.  All I needed was 30 minutes and the job was done.

Getting stuff done around the house is the main problem I have.  I just don't seem to get myself charged up enough to begin with but slowly it is turning around. I got stuck into repairing and stabilising my Bow Window - put in without proper Gallows Brackets that I have now installed and I've repaired most of the wood and treated it.  

There are lots of things to do and the key thing is to get started on them and then I can work through it. I'm retired no FFS so should have the time to do these things.

Anyway, as the cycle of procrastination breaks down stuff begins to get achieved and success breeds success as they say so let's see how it goes.