When Communication Goes Blank

 Could be me I suppose.  I often get emails with queries about family history, long lost relatives want to know stuff and I spend time finding it out, sending them details, connections, links to websites and then that's it, not a thank you or anything back.  Why is that?  Just a thank you would be nice surely?

Similar to another query about some historical aspect and after finding out about the query.  It's all gone quiet again.  

It's a bit disrespectful I suppose but surely it doesn't hurt (especially as google and other apps fill in the response for you these days) to just say thank you for your time and effort?

Oh well, onward and upwards.  

Where Did That Time Go?

 I suppose we all ask these questions when we are reminded of things in the past and we then calculate when that was.  My mind transported me back to a party that I went to when I was around 19 years old.  I was by then quite fit having worked for 3 years on and off on a building site and a very good friend and I started dancing and for a short while it went quite ermm, well, you know, things took their course I suppose.  It was a great evening and night and that was it, we didn't go any further, I have no idea why and it was something that I recalled only today.

She was indeed a very beautiful lady and I remained in touch until just after our first child was born and we all met up and that's it, the Christmas cards dried up and I haven't seen or spoken to her or her husband for 35 years or so.  That's sad.  Her husband and I shared a house together for about 10 months.  We were great buddies and I have some amazing tales about our adventures and the girls got on great and all was well in the world.  I didn't seem to be bothered that she decided to go out with my friend and then marry him.  It didn't matter at all really, we were all school friends and there really was no point in being bothered by these things we were after all, all meeting, going out with, breaking up with people we knew from school and there were lots of parties and getting to know one another and so on.  I did write these down in my biography but I think perhaps it might be worth ripping those pages out. 

Then I thought to myself that was 48 years ago!  It seems like less than that but of course it isn't, I've lived through so much and now a grandparent so it is what it is.

What I have been meaning to say is that these recent flashbacks and relived experiences seem to be connected.  A lot are past partners and situations that arose, lost opportunities and what might have been.  Funnily enough like this one and perhaps another 10 or more I could think of.  Yet, there's more to  it than that.  I think that I am recalling those times in my life when I was happy or perhaps alive is a better way of saying it.  These instances were, looking back on them, amazing times, there was no "agenda" to this, there was no pre-planning, it was just as they say "in the moment" and that moment is when you just let whatever it is happen.  That night, that dance with a friend and I'd call it love, but a sort of melting together perhaps I might try and call it, was a spontaneous thing, no thought, no malice, just two of us.

I've mentioned before that there have been times in my life where I moulded into the surroundings became lost in the sounds, smell, warmth and being-ness of what I was doing.  Perhaps driven by love (let's say) although I think it may be two way there being in and being loved?  I don't know because on other occasions that wasn't always the case.  It is easier to look back and recall these times than to be aware that you were actually part of it there and then.

What I do recall is the touch and strangely the smell and an awareness of sound but it not being overbearing.  Just melting and heady perfume or the wind, colour of the fields, swaying and the smell of the corn and the warmth of the sun.  Things like freshly cut grass or perhaps the smell of flowers, a Privet hedge is bloom, roses, damp woodland.  

A old friend mentioned a few names of girls we used to know the other night so perhaps that's what triggered this memory.  He also reminded me of someone I was close to when I was in my twenties and that brought back thoughts of late night car journeys and buying cigarettes in petrol stations on the way home from work.  Some amazing things to recall all many years ago now.  Where indeed did all that time go?

All Quiet Still

 Yesterday was the day that my ex-business partner handed over 10% of the business in shares to his young friend who turned 21.  Now he's done that maybe he will sit back and have a long hard think about what he's done.  Having burnt his bridges and left the business, he has some explaining to do to his friend about what he will do next. He will not know when or if the product will launch or if the business will survive and that's still not a given.  His input is gone and his ability to answer questions on progress too.

I am left to either continue or to shut it all down and walk away.  By this time next week I will probably know what that is to be.  It was immediately stressful and annoying as I have been left to deal with the fallout.  

Of course, now, I'm "in charge" so to speak and can do what I want as sole Director of the business.  I'd run it as if he was an integral part of the business but it was always set up that I'd run this side.  It frees me up from having to accede and play the diplomatic game.  I do not need to step on egg shells when discussing the supplier who is late (horrendously late) delivering nor for all the changes etc.  I should be able to get this to market without feeling that we are never quite going to get there.

The supplier has been warned that this is the last throw of the dice too.  So that's good, I've had to re plan and rework what's going to happen and I've positioned it in such a way as to be able to make a decision next week on where we are.

I feel sorry that my ex-business partner can no longer continue the journey but I am surprised that he decided to burn his bridges and cut off all opportunity of even discussing his decision.  He cited his wishes hadn't been carried out and the letter confirming that his wishes had been carried out but he was not answering the phone to me to clarify the missing information from his instructions.  Obviously he felt that I was ignoring him which he now knows was not the case at all and he decided to send abusive and threatening correspondence, resigning at the same time.  A bit silly but there you go.

An old saying was that he "Snatched defeat from the jaws of victory" is about right here and I've written about this before where it is almost a self fulfilling prophecy and people talk themselves into defeat.  After 10 or even more years of struggling to get here, with the test version actually with us and just a few iterations before delivery, he concocted a walk away event that must be very hard to get to a point to recover.  His problem not mine.

Sure, I'm left with some issues around his leaving but his actions just remove him from the scene entirely and we can soldier on without him.  I just have to hope that he doesn't go around telling people that I stole the business and his idea from him.  As long as it is all run above board and properly that is not the case and his last set of letters can bear witness to this sudden turn in events.

Onward and upwards (maybe).  

Meltdown Continues

 Not mine, contacts on Facebook and other Social Media.  In the UK I am privileged to follow people who appear to know everything.  That's right, there isn't something that happens in the world that they don't know.  Me?  Yes I do know a lot but in general, I tend to be more of a sceptic than someone who espouses opinion, I'd generally come from some sort of proof point, a scientific angle or a position that can be argued or at least debated.

It's amazing how many UK based people don't like Donald Trump and ask "America, what have you done?"  These are the same people who didn't like the Brexit vote and want it overturned.  Democracy sort of states that if the majority voted that way then your minority opinion whilst it was listened to did not convince those who voted against you.  There's a sort of "we lost, it's not fair we want another vote until you think the same way we do." and it doesn't work that way.  If your arguments were valid, then people would have voted for it.  I didn't expect the vote to go that way and speaking with French and Dutch friends I was probably as shocked as most even though I voted to leave.  

I actually worked in Europe for quite a while and more so in Brussels and Paris.  I stayed in the same Hotels as our MEPs and NATO people and they all looked to be having a good time.  Meals, at our expense, were not a snack and a beer let's say.  But, you know, apparently many people think that we no longer trade with the EU, ECC or whatever you want to call it.  A little closer look might fact check.  I know I still get things from Denmark and Holland for sure quite regularly and Poland too.

Anyway, as usual, I digress.  I was struck with the Facebook comments from a specific set of my contacts whom I know have this sort of Remainer, Democrat, Labour type leaning and I can only applaud that after the disappointment of these socialist, let's be kind (they never are) very opinionated commentators, they buy every word the MSM gives them.  Here's a way to find out.  Ask them about something and listen carefully to the answer.  It's normally a headline and perhaps sub headline that you will get on a subject.  They cannot normally go deeper on a subject.  I always rattle on about Climate Change (as it is now called).  Listen to the key points people have about it.  It will be the Arctic is melting, Polar Bears are declining, Methane is being released, Forest Fires and Hurricanes are increasing blah blah.  

Scratch the surface and remove the veneer and it starts to fall apart but not for the headline writers and people who espouse these quite clever information bites.  Ask what an Inter-glacial is, ask why in fact the Polar Bear population is increasing, ask where are the global data (temperature) sensors located across the land and the sea.  At that point, either they are going to start yelling at you that you are a Climate Denier or they are just going to keep quoting you headlines.  There is nothing below that, no in depth knowledge and no research.  Do you research as I reminded the lady who told me about Climate Justice.  What was the outcome of the trial and what exactly does that mean?

So back to our American Cousins.  We in the UK have no idea whatsoever about America other than Hollywood, Westerns, Presidents, Disneyland and a few geography facts.  I hit Seattle once for half an hour and so I've never really been there.  I've been to Canada but of course, they aren't anything like Americans either.  We don't live in a massive country, we don't have the political system or the opportunities that they have.  We laugh at their comedy programmes but that isn't real life either.  The land of Cheers and Frazier, Friends and so on does not exist.  I worked for an American company and the workers that came over were VERY different to us.  Our culture is quaint and also not well understood.  

Working in the City of London was quite an eye opener to my American colleagues, bless them.  I always remember that the lunchtime drinking culture was particular frowned upon.  

We will probably never understand our cousins.  They appear to love their country and are patriotic, God faring and they like to win (we like to take part and participate).  They don't have our propensity for having left leaning socialist type Governments.  Europe is possibly the diametric opposite to the USA.  That's probably why we'd never understand the politics and the unique nature of that country.  We are terrible at sitting in our glass house and throwing stones.  We compare everything to our own lived experience and let he who is without sin cast the first stone.  These luvvies have done a good job in tearing down our country to the mess it is in now.  We have a government that cares not a jot about the people it governs.  Net Zero has doubled the cost of our fuel and so we go cold, industry closes down and moves to China and we are all happy as we have saved a few grams of a molecule who's contribution to Earth's atmosphere is 0.04% yes look how clever we are.  These people dance around words as you mustn't be PHOBIC whatever the f**k that is.  You can't say this, you can't say that, don't give offence (which is actually taken not given BTW) and so on.

These useless Oxygen wasters, having made everyone poorer, less well off, miserable and now angry then turn their attention to the USA and have the temerity to state that the people of America didn't know what they were voting for! That they should have done what they, the keyboard warriors of Facebook and TikTok, wanted.  Honestly?!!  Not one of them can tell you why this happened and what the USA means to its people.  Just look and listen and you can find plenty of sources that are not MSM and you will learn a lot.  

Here is a great commentator writing from experience who puts it in layman's terms it makes great reading and may perhaps explain why "we" in the UK don't  "get it".  https://open.substack.com/pub/konstantinkisin/p/10-reasons-you-didnt-see-this-coming?r=4s3fs&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=email  

You Can't But If You Could, What Would You Do?

 I thought about this during all these flashbacks and whilst I know you cannot actually do these things and what is done is done, I wondered, what if you could go back and change something in your life what would it be and what outcome do you think might be different?

It's all hypothetical anyway of course.  I realise limitations include my personality which is pretty unusual and specific (INTJ look it up).  So I'd have to be something I'm not to have made decisions but here are a few:

Pick Up On Subtly:  I now realise that there were a couple of relationship opportunities not taken. A couple of young ladies in particular were great friends but now I can see that there was far more than that (you tend to replay things and then stuff becomes clear).  The platonic relationship probably wasn't. 

Not Be So Angry:  I was never an aggressive angry person but I hated ineptitude, stupidity and other such traits.  I perhaps should have learned to deal with these better

Don't Smoke:  My word I used to enjoy a smoke and a beer and a smoke and a beer.... I got cancer, apparently it was highly probable to have been all those smokes!! 

You Cannot Fix Regrets:  This blog - it comes from deep inside, lost love, disappointments, the way things turned out, loss of "friends", lost contacts, how you could have done things better.  I used to have the worst head issues you can imagine because I analysed everything and as an INTJ, that's what you do, you never stop scenario building, theories are built in your head, ideas constructed and then torn down by logic and analysis.  Intuition also takes a big place alongside judgemental views and then execution of the idea is normally incisive. That's why we make good Project Managers and so on.  It's all a bit Matrix Film - which strikes well with me.  There can be no other outcome and so on.

Let It Go:  Hardest thing is to let it go after a decision that may have had an affect on my life and as above there may be regrets but letting those go is very difficult but that's because the last years have been chaotic and dramatic for me.  Breaking up, finding your dream love and losing it, cancer, new love, shattered dreams and all those things and fighting those demons.  You never stop fighting them but you can learn to let them go and now I sleep well at night and generally take things as stress free as I can.  Recent business chaos did affect me as it was serious and I was badly let down I felt but it's a week or two on now and all is well.  I can let it go.

The only real thing I think I would have actually changed is meeting my Angel and having been able to build the life we discussed.  It wasn't to be and every now and again my mind sends me a picture of some happy moment or other and for a short while I'm filled with the what did I do wrong, why me blah blah stuff knowing full well that I know the reasons and I think and hope that she is happy.  For a short time I feel that emptiness of soul that comes with a love lost.  In a parallel universe that is not so and we are together I'd like to think.

Let The Meltdown Commence

 Watching the Labour Party win with a reduced vote in July was very disappointing and like many things in this world, those in the know realised that sh1t was coming and it would be bad for these are not people who should be in control of a country and they aren't really the adults in the room.  And so it came to pass that within 4 months they had near enough affected everyone that thought to vote for them and the rest of us too.

They've never been good at big government and they used to be good at local government but they now have career politicians in the ranks who just don't understand that you can't alter the course of the planet's orbit by taxing us all more.  Hard lesson but it will come and bite them and sooner than they realise.

We didn't have the meltdown expected here because, mainly most of us are adults and most of us know what's coming and that they'll make a pigs ear of it and if everyone is like me, they'll get no cooperation.  I like that they are afraid to meet the public now and are getting jeered and heckled everywhere they go.  If you kick your electorate in the teeth then you should expect it.

Looking across the pond and our MSM have started to go into full meltdown about the US election results.  It isn't the first time that they have backed the wrong horse and suddenly their eyes widen and they start screaming for their mummy!  When the Brexit vote was announced the stunned silence and startled looks were hilarious.  These (they like to think they are elite) liberal wet highly paid non neutral opinionated wastes of Oxygen flood the MSM and I just don't watch them anymore.  They come on the TV I turn it off and go and do something useful.

So watching the meltdown here about the US Elections is glorious.  Watching people on Facebook losing their minds is priceless -  what do Brits honestly know about US Politics?  We really do not know that much and what we get is filtered and presented to us homogenized and filtered for us by the above liberal elites.

So, the best thing to do is watch and enjoy the self-flagellation of these people, the hysterical screeching and shouting and wonder what ever happened to logic, reasoned debate and the assimilation of evidence and data and a rational, sensible review of what happened.  There's way to much emotional hysterics.  We never used to act like this and it is because I guess no one has ever had to argue their case properly so we can see your point of view.  These days people just yell at you as they don't have the wit to do anything else.   

And Still These Reflections Come

 I don't know if there is a reason for reflective thoughts maybe it is a sign of something. Just now I was sitting here and my grandson has just been for Fireworks and some Supper.  It's nice to see him and we miss him because we used to look after him two days a week and now he's at school so we only get to have time at weekends and when school is on holiday.

It reminded me of seeing my grandfather, my father's father.  He was a really nice man, quite dapper and charming.  A really interesting man but also blessed with "our" sense of  humour and so you were never quite sure when he said things if it was real or not.

When I was an apprentice I worked up in London and I'd occasionally drop in to see them if I was around.  He developed cancer of the throat and had to have a tracheotomy.  He could speak by covering the hole in his throat and I used to try and get to visit him in Hospital mainly taking lunchtime off to go and see him or seeing him at the end of the day.  I was lucky that somehow I could "make time" between site visits.

One particular day he was having a lot of trouble and we were just about managing to communicate as he also had a notepad and pencil but I could see that he was really frustrated and Flash - that's one of my recurring dreams - it's just flashed before my eyes.  It's me leaving the hospital via the other entrance/exit and I see this in my dreams and I've just clocked why!

Back to the story so I said my goodbyes and waved to granddad and he gave me a weak smile and a wave and we were both a little miffed that we hadn't been able to chat like we had before.  Well that was the last time I saw him because he spoke to my parents that weekend and he had arrived at a decision that he didn't want us (my brother and I) to visit anymore and whilst I was disappointed I think I knew that he didn't want us to see the last stages of his life.  My mum and dad pretty much told me that he wanted us to remember him as our grandfather and writing that just shook me a little.  I miss him even now and there were a number of things, as children, that you recall.  The reward for a visit was always a shiny coin of some sort perhaps half a crown which we would thank him for and hold tight or give to mum for safe keeping.  He would occasionally give us a little glass of Ginger Wine which stung and then warmed your throat!  

I like that he made a decision like he did and so I never got to go and say goodbye but I think maybe that's the right decision to remember someone in the best light and not being the last thing you remember about them.

Is The Grass Greener?

 Regrets fuel a fantasy of nostalgia and I found myself daydreaming about the past and of course, I can't change it and the mind is very "clever" as it depicts a world as you'd like it to be and not as it was in reality.  The illusion is that if things had been different, there would have been a different outcome but that's not guaranteed at all.

I find recently that these flash back daydreams are showing me a different path had I not made certain decisions but to balance this, some of these decisions were not mine to be made, it's all a set of different paths that coincide, conflict, align and so on.  I doubt I have any control over these things for they happen in real time at the time.  You can I suppose reflect on these and do a "what if" analysis but the only benefit I can see is to help you learn from your mistakes if they are, in fact, mistakes.  Who knows what would or could have happened.

The mind is a strange thing and these little voices and thoughts are not helpful.  You just have to realise that they are just a distraction and not really anything useful for getting on with your life.

Is the grass greener?  I very much doubt it.  Would things have been any different? Yes of course they would but whether for good or ill, no one can tall and it doesn't matter either way. 

The Ancient Art Of Self-Destruction

 It seems that I have witnessed a number of times people being self-destructive.  The "voice in the head" often talked about by Eckhart Tolle is perhaps something to do with it but so many times either knowingly or unknowingly people have made irrational decisions, have lied or avoided situations and then had destruction wreaked upon them or have just talked themselves into it.

My business partner has just done such a thing and what is worse, burnt all his bridges in doing so.  In 5 days he went from slightly eccentric to full on madness and wrecked his side of the business he had worked hard alongside me to build.

Another person I worked with decided to (as he was the chief shareholder) demote me as we were about to go to a shareholder's meeting, to the scribe for the meeting.  I had worked outhow to save his business as he had bought software that wasn't actually his (the copyright notice for where it had been obtained from was clear for all to see).  He hadn't undertaken a key piece of security to have the data encrypted and he was running out of money.  As a Director I had produced his "get out of jail free" card and had a presentation to achieve this.  The meeting was great as a few knew what I knew, they also knew that I was going to table the answer to the problems.  

The idiot started to lie through his teeth and when the meeting got angry and I do mean angry, he finally turned to me and I reminded him that I was no longer the Ops Director and he had made me scribe.  As he had done that and was now floundering I left him to it.  On the way out he suggested the meeting had gone well.  I called him an Oaf and questioned whether a village somewhere was missing their idiot!  I resigned that night citing a number of reasons.  

Others have talked themselves out of a winning position and ended up in the very place they said they'd been in before - the self fulfilling prophecy. 

It helps to break business & personal stuff apart and it helps to analyse what you've got and I feel sorry for my ex-colleague.  He never wanted me to "get angry" with out supplier and reined me back as he didn't like confrontation (funny that as he's threatened me in writing).  SO now he's gone I read the riot act to our supplier and all of a sudden I have full cooperation and suddenly all of the deliverables are appearing.  Coincidence?  I think not.

I could probably write a book (I'm sure someone would have got there before me) where defeat is snatched from the jaws of victory.  It happens a lot more than you think and I'm a realist rather than the pessimist most people take me for.  I am a lot more optimistic than people know, I have to be as I'm a project manager at heart.

Strange how people destroy themselves especially in business.  It's almost as if they predict their future and then everything aligns in them to make sure that failure is the end goal both planned and actual.

Another Flashback

 It's been a strange year for flashbacks.  My mother is awaiting her results from a scan a few weeks ago now and waiting is horrible, your mind takes over and you then have to go and hear the results.  Later procedures were immediate but waiting really does allow the little voice in your head to pronounce your impending doom.

Then a friend is in Hospital waiting to go home and suddenly I was back in the ward and the discharge lounge just wanting to get home and see my family and fighting back tears because they just delayed and bed blocked and took so long to get anything done and I just remember this feeling of why wont you let me go home.  Then once they did I wasn't allowed to walk home - I mean I could walk home in 10 or 15 minutes so then had to wait for my wife (my ex now) to come and pick me up, bless her.  She did look after me so well and it was no reward that I left (or maybe it was).

Anyway, so that flashed into my head and I just recall the feeling of hating the waiting and hanging around when I could just go home and relax in my chair and let the tension of the days before go away.  

It's All In Your Head

I liked that saying "Just because you are Paranoid, it doesn't mean they're all out to get you!" 

The problem a few weeks ago now must have been brewing inside this chaps head for a long time and it was as if he'd made up his mind that I was diddling him out of money and then that I made him look a fool when I explained that in fairness to the business that wouldn't happen especially as I was just in the process of engaging Accountants to the business.  But it wasn't just that it was obvious that he thought I was not going to do something he expressly asked me to  do.

I was actually going to check with him if it was what he wanted and at the same time explain the implications of the decision to him.  For it actually made me the major shareholder for the business.  He must have stewed and thought I wasn't going to do it and wasn't taking my phone calls which delayed things further as he hadn't provided the correct level of detail I needed to complete his wishes.

It was in writing and quite explicit and so I was seeking clarification but apparently that was enough to imagine that I was going to do something!  Now, here's the thing really.  He then convinced himself that I was going to go against his wishes even though I'd not spoken to him and deep inside I think he knew that I would ask him to think long and hard about his decision.  If he had done this it would reduce his share of the business and so any reward would be less and any control would also be lessened too.

By the time I had researched the information he had omitted he's thrown his toys out of the pram, walked away from the business and disowned me!  I've known him 8 years or maybe 8 now.  I am not to talk to him or anything further - it's a total break.  It's shocking but there you go if you tell me you don't want to know and you want everything to stop so be it.

I can see that he may have a case that I made a fool of him but explaining something that was a misunderstanding was actually what it was.  He had picked up a phrase that I had used (in its correct context) and thought that I was making off with the money - pretty difficult to do as we don't actually have a business that is trading.  I explained the whole process of what the business would do in terms of revenue and expense but he seemed to take that as me taking him for a fool?  Was some worm-tongue giving him this - it wouldn't be the first time that his "Friends" had wound him up about the business after all.

It is a shame that I cannot go talk to him or anything else as it's all so final.   You work hard for years and years and snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.  It's difficult because what if I go around or try and call and he gets annoyed at me for it, he could easily do something that we'd both regret further.  

Does he regret it now?  I'll never know unless he tells me.  Imagine getting so upset at what you thought might happen to you that you walk away entirely.  Of course, it leaves me in a situation too.  I could walk away too although I'd rather try and make a go of it if possible.

Intentions - Goals I Set Myself

 I have to say that the pathetic politicians we have had in the past 20 or so years aren't worth anything at all.  We are now (or everyone should be) aware that they lie all the time, that they are on the take, that they have no idea when it comes to governing for the very people who give them the power to do so.  They are like the worst managers I have worked for and I've worked for a few but I strongly hope that they've received the due karma that they so richly deserve and are either now reaping a miserable old age or have done the decent thing and departed this life.

There is no real incentive to work hard anymore because these scheming bastards just cream your money off of you.  Ronald Reagan said the most frightening words you can hear are "I'm from the Government and I am here to help you!" 

So my goals are to do everything in my power and within the law to not pay anything more in Taxes and that sort of stuff to this greedy self serving self interest money grabbing corrupt back stabbing venereal snot gobbling whore bags.  I really hope that they are in a car crash and the economy will tank and the people finally work out that it doesn't need to be like this.  It's communism and like all similar systems it will come crashing down and they will be blinking in the sunlight wondering what went wrong.

So I've take steps to not give them any of my money,  Even in death these blood sucking gits want the money you've saved after they've taxed it so they can give it to their mates, hand it out to some geezer half a continent away so he can kill his neighbour.  When do WE say enough is enough?  

The leviathan that comprises the State is not fit for purpose, the answer to every problem isn't to get people to do their jobs properly it is to throw more of my money at it and it never ever gets better.  Having worked as a Consultant during the transition from a Nationalised business to one with shareholders etc I can tell you it was like pulling teeth - the staff couldn't work out that they actually had to start working for a living and showing productivity and accountability for their actions.  It was hilarious watching the facts dawn on them that after all these years, they finally had to justify their jobs and their positions.  The inefficiencies were massive and it was around this time of year that I was there going through their operational procedures.  They thought I was just "A Suit" from the management but I was there because I actually had a background in operational management.  The fortnightly reporting was 22 volumes of reports which I got down to one volume and a two page summary.  I'd save them loads of time and anguish - they hated it.

There are 1.6 Million people in the NHS - the 4th largest employer of people in the world!  Around 60% are not medical staff.  Sure you need admin and so on but do we need Climate Change Officers, Equality Officers and so on for each area that they operate in?  These are just high paid jobs for the boys. It swallows around half a billion a day probably more than that now.  You still can't get an appointment to see your GP and they prefer people to go to A&E who are now overloaded.  Fifty or 60 years ago the GP came to you.

It's not the only thing that's wrong but all of this state stuff isn't actually growing GDP now is it?  It's an overhead to running the country and whilst some of it is necessity most of it is waste.  They try and fix things that aren't broken to justify their existence.  They p1ss off people like me all the time because when I was in that area of planning and programme management (which is quite different to project management) none of this stuff would have seen the light of day as their were NO BENEFITS!!  

So my goals now are to let them get on with it, protect my own interests and hope other people also don't let them have their money either and watch the bastards sink below the waves in the storm of their own creation.  Not one of these people have been in positions of power in a real business and they have hardly worked a day in their life.  They cannot answer a well worded and researched question because they are too thick to understand what they are being asked or indeed why they made a certain policy decision.  It was telling that the Chancellor didn't go on any popular programmes on TV yesterday and those that she did go on I felt tore her to shreds and rightly so.

They have inflicted pain on our older people, have only told half truths about pensioner's increases next year, have abandoned the working class and penalised those of us who decided to save for our retirement.   F*** the lot of them, a Pox on their houses and may they feel the wrath of the populace quickly.  

Conflict - I Hate It (Now)

Finally got to talk sense to the supplier but it was fraught but I got my point across and we compromised - that's what was needed but it is still a big problem that hasn't really gone away entirely.

In the old days, I liked a battle and playing commercial chess.  These days?  I just want a quiet life, not that anyone else seems to!  Anyway, it's done and over for two weeks and let's see what happens then.  I hate the way these days it knots up my stomach and causes stress and headaches when it really shouldn't.  

So trying to avoid conflict these days is difficult as everyone acts like a knob I reckon.  It's a definite "Don't talk to me about politicians and public sector workers" that really winds me up and pushes my buttons.  "Computer says no!" sums them up and there doesn't seem to be anyone with any common sense.  So many cock ups happening and the trouble is it is our money they use to make mistake after mistake!   There's no punishment for screwing up these days either.  They should be sacked or demoted but no.... They always seem to promote failure and demote hard work and innovation!

They put up car parking charges and extend the hours for parking and blink incredulously when local businesses pack up and leave the high streets.  A well known seaside two made parking eye wateringly expensive and lo and behold no one came and parked there = they went further down the coast where parking was cheap and reasonable.  They then spent their money in those local businesses.  Voila!  

I went to one place where they only restricted parking for about an hour in the morning, the rest of the time was free (you might have needed to move car park on a 24 hour stop which we did).  That meant that people visiting the City could park for free and walk to the attractions, spend their money with the local shops and so on.  It stopped the Train users commuting in the morning making them park in the train car park and it meant that they could welcome more people.  I mentioned this to a few councillors I know for them to look into it.  My local town IS a tourist area albeit a small one but it has enough attractions I'd say for a good half a day to a day to come and visit.  I'd probably baulk at the charges though they seem excessive to me.  

I now use the bus or park far enough out to not pay and walk in - it's simple really and I'm protecting in my own way LOL!  

Anyway, I've segwayed off enough for this post now.  

Through A Child's Eyes

 The weekend party with the grandchildren was great.  I am not known for my empathy or emotional responses but you know, what was good was to see how they all got on together and how they worked things out, got frustrated, upset and quickly it was forgotten.  Working things out was interesting as they had to free a load of plastic bugs from a block of ice.   Progressively things were experimented with until dropping it on the patio was tried.  Then dad had to get his club hammer out and assist them with smashing the ice up.

It took me back to other moments where I did actually get to feel my emotions - being an INTJ that is pretty difficult as it's all logic and so on with me.  We went to Disneyland (we actually went three times eventually) but the first time was the one for me.  The children were young and of course they were smallish too.  I remember stopping and realising that everything that they saw and experienced was new and most probably magical to them.  It felt magical to me as their reactions and obvious joy was what it was all about and I was just there to enable it to happen along with the Disney people of course.

A similar thing happened when I "rewarded" the children with a trip to Lapland, it was all planned with a letter dropping down the chimney and tickets and all sorts of things.  It was a wonderful experience with all sorts going on, Reindeer, Husky Rides, snow, magical candlelit trails into the woods and so on.  It was moving when they met the big man and it was great that they had a few lovely presents to bring home with them.

We have our grandson with us at the moment and finally I realise how precious these times are.  He is quite young but my goodness can he read and write.  He's not bad at maths either and when we went to a restaurant the other day, apart from a couple of words he read it all.  The thing is of course to encourage and just rejoice in his achievements.  I said he'd counted up to 100 this morning whereupon he corrected me - 110 he said.  Someone said don't you mind getting up early to look after him?  Well of course not because soon he won't be here and he won't want to come that often, he'll be with his friends and so its best to enjoy it all and see it through his eyes.

Everything is new and bright and interesting, that's good to ground us adults and remind us, despite all the rubbish things that exists in our world, there are amazing things to be seen and to do.  A new bird feeder today being a prime example and suddenly lots of birds were flcoking to the garden and we could try to identify them.

I have to stop myself being Mr. Pedant and Mr. INTJ and having these little people around certainly does that for me.  

If You're So Clever, Why Ain't You Rich?

 A perfectly reasonable question I'd say.  I was just looking back at some of my conversations with Entrepreneurs and especially Life Coaches.  

You'd be discussing the issues in trying to find funding and yo'd get some idiot saying something along the lines of "Business Angels" or "Venture Capitalists" and of course, when you asked them if they'd ever done that, invariably they'd say no.  My colleagues and I had and that's where we differed and that's how you gain experience.  

Life Coaches telling you how to become a millionaire and I'd often ask them were they, in fact, millionaires?  Once again, they'd say no so I wondered how they knew that they could help someone achieve that whilst not achieving it themselves.

A trained Dale Carnegie practitioner also had the most disorganized business and approach and so it doesn't always follow that knowing the theory actually produces results.  

It also brought to mind these horrendous networking events I went to (I didn't go to many) that were just awful.  Lots of people saying they were entrepreneurs who came up and did their 60 second Elevator Pitch and dismissed yours or rudely walked away when you were speaking to them, interrupted you or pulled the person you were speaking to away, introduced to someone wholly inappropriate for your particular business.   As an INTJ it was the worst possible torture and I often left after 30 minutes and went to the bar or another bar away from these mad people.

One meeting I went to a chap waltzed up bouncing about from one foot to the other, dressed in part of a clown's outfit (I kid you not) and gave me his business card which was a roughly printed, badly ripped off centre bit of paper with name and address and his USP!  He'd help you launch a product or promote your business dressed as a character of your choice and that was what he did!  Before I could tell him what we did, he bounded off to interrupt and p1ss off the next person.  His bit of paper went in the bin.

You could go to some meetings where they'd have a speaker and quite often they would be OK but also, quite often, they'd be teaching me how to suck eggs.  It was always nice to speak to these people and let them slowly realise you knew far more than they did on the subject.

I am so glad to be out of that situation.  I did enjoy standing in for someone at his business meeting and doing his Elevator Pitch (everyone can give a 60 second presentation).  They said well you can do your elevator pitch and I said that I wasn't certain that they'd all be bothered.  I worked for an Indian Global Software House and I was heir UK guy.  So I explained that we did multi site, global software projects with financial analytics and the like and as I suspected, there were a lot of opened jawed participants looking at me in disbelief as I explained the size of the business I represented.  

Oh well, happy and sad days - looking back it was probably a bit more fun now than it was then!

Dreams

It is strange but I don't always remember my dreams, night dreams that is but there are some that I do and also I have recurring dreams that come back and must have some sort of significance.

The claustrophobia one is common although it doesn't occur as often these days.  It's always been a problem in real life and sometimes I look back on the horrors of being in places that I find overwhelming - not everyone understands it but it is pretty awful and I hate it.  Cinemas, Theatres, trains etc.  Definitely not my thing.

There's a transport dream and that is all about being on various trains and knowing the layout of the underground so well as to use all the hidden passages to navigate my way around.  A lucid dream is traversing London through subterranean passages, walkways, narrow bridges, through offices and so on.  This can also manifest itself as if travelling through a very large office block - a big triangular one over many floors that is based on one I actually used to work in which had trading floors, offices, deserted floors and so on so I never know exactly where I am.  

The one's losing your clothes or being in a stated of undress are also occasionally thrown into the mix.  

Recently the dreams have quieted and I find myself reliving specific scenes of my life and imagining that these had a different ending.  The love of my life in a relationship that could never be.  I can see, and almost smell and touch her.  It is most strange.  I don't recall many of these waking fantasies I'll call them. I can travel back to a scene at work, in my car, on a journey, in a meeting I'm sure you get the idea and replay a certain moment that's obviously etched on my mind.

Old girlfriends and what "might have been" seem to be more to the front of my mind and I don't think it is regret.  It's not that.  I hear the phrase along the lines of being asked "Oh my God, did you.....?"  and me replying "All my life!"  What might have been and perhaps in that parallel universe it may well have happened.  I suppose I've always wanted to know "what if?"  what if that had happened, what if we'd stayed together, what if something else had happened and so on.  I wonder if other people think and feel the same way too?

Destiny and circumstance are very strange things.  How you navigate life and what turns out and how it turns out.  Is there a plan?  Is it all "meant to be" or is there a serendipity here?  It is what it is and can not be any different.  Here I am, all these things have happened.  Was I just lucky, did I make my own luck? Right place at the right time or something else pre-planned preordained?  

I am unsure why I know I dream and yet I have only the vaguest of memories about what is was I dreamt about.  

Cancer - Dealing With It - Reflections (some 18 years I think later)

 I somehow got to thinking about the good things as my little grandson and granddaughter had a party yesterday and my other grandson (he knows me as that) went along and they all had a wonderful time as children do.  It's not always the toys and the like that are important it is how they enjoyed playing with each other, making up games and the rules as they go along and interact with each other, the laughs and the tears, the bumps and falling over, overcoming their shyness until after a while they lose all of that and just enjoy being children.  

I forget that it is sometimes these simple things that are the most fun.  Maybe not for us but for them and it is their fun that's important, making memories and all that good stuff.  I bought some blow up hats that sit on their heads to make them look like different animals.  It wasn't expensive but it was good fun and they all enjoyed taking a hat away which is great.  It made me happy that they were happy.

So what's this to do with Cancer?  Well it made me think that at one time I never thought I'd see my own children grow up.  There yo go that's sobered things up.  When you hear the word cancer you immediately think it is a death sentence and it isn't really.  I like that people with a terminal diagnosis are able to face up to their future I'm not sure if I would have liked to face it all those years ago.  Of course I actually did think that I had a big possibility of having a terminal disease.  I am glad that it was found and acted on early, that it was treatable afterwards and after a while (if you read this blog from the beginning (it certainly is a cure for insomnia) that you can see how it slowly dawned that things were a lot better than seen at first sight.

You don't know that or anything at the beginning at all.  Gradually you understand what you have, what you may have to go through and that there's a balance.  I mean within 6 months I was cancer free and I was almost entirely free if I think about it after the first operation that removed it.  However they operated again to prevent reseeding and then I had the Immunotherapy which prevented any recurrence - I had another series of operations after that to check that things were OK and of course, here I am.

I'm cured.  I no longer need drugs or treatment and recurrence is unlikely (but it can come back - it's one of the worst for it).  Generally if you are clear 10 years you are pretty unlikely to recur.

So what am I saying about dealing with it?  Well it's not something that happens immediately.  You kind of grow into dealing with it.  It grows on you (sorry about that).  As you begin to understand it, understand yourself and then alter your life around it and your family acceptance grows but in my case so did the gap between myself and my Ex.  I do feel sad about that, she looked after me throughout the whole episode really well and I feel guilty that it ended up like it did.  No nastiness just huge sadness.  

So What Would You Do?

 I've realised that I have (unlike me) bowed to other people's wishes for too ling now.  It's not a fault really as the other person was very nice and didn't want confrontation etc.  All very well but now he's no longer involved in the business it struck me quite hard how un-business like I've become.  I ran my own business at the same time as this one and didn't let sentiment get in the way but perhaps because this chap was so involved I deferred to his wishes even though my head said no - I was convinced otherwise.

We had agreed that after delivery of the product we needed from the supplier I would have a quiet word with the supplier and explain what major contractual faults he had made and how to avoid them and also warn him that anyone else would have made commercial and contractual mincemeat of him.

Six years or more later and we still aren't there, still not delivered and I've now had to read the riot act to them.  We've paid for the product and we haven't got it, we've paid extra (and more than they wanted) so we could get it to get trading and still it is not ready.  This is not an insignificant amount of money, more than I get in pension per year and more than that still!

If you;d have paid for something in full and still not got it and then paid extra to get it, you'd believe that you were swindled at best.  The conversation I had was one of those casual conversations where you wont get part one in the full specified version and they might do a few tweaks to get it right and the other part I'd have to wait a further 9 months for!  It's not a baby BTW.  So after 6 years, full payment I haven't got the first part anywhere near the finished article and it seems that the second part hasn't even been started.

SO, I've explained what this amounts to in legal terms for them, I am giving them a chance to make amends and to sort it out.  At this point in time I don't care about their personal circumstances, what other work they've got on or anything other than what I've paid for.  I hope that I have got the message through.  I hate litigation and all the work I'd have to go through to recover the money but that's the bottom line (that they don't seem to comprehend).  They "Think" because they've got half a product that there's value in there.  If I don't have it and I'm not selling it, it's worthless absolutely worthless and they don't understand basic economics of business.

If I had paid for a car (it's about that value) and you told me after 6 years I could have half of it and the other half when they got around to it, I think you might get a feeling for the absurdity of it all.  

Freedom To Do What I Should Have Done

This is a strange one.  It's been a very strange week indeed.  The "resignation" of my business partner was the kick off along with 9 after 9 years) a threatening letter the relationship was terminated and with it came the threat to the business which is still there now he's gone.

After the shock and a response acknowledging the defection I was left with a business to try and run.  I had been (fighting is not the right word) trying to get things moving but despite the business partner not being part of the business, it was his baby and I just managed it and what he wanted.  The trouble was he didn't want any conflict with the supplier and he would keep changing his mind and wanting to do non-business things.  I could only advise and caution but there we go, we are where we are.

When I spoke to the supplier he told me stuff that was not what I wanted to hear and the reason was he suggested a cut down version and a delay not of a short period but a further 9 months to the delivery.  This after we have just voluntarily funded him to a further 50% of his original contract value and this latest late delivery was just another in a long line of failures.  SO I thanked him for the information and said I'd get back to him.

Dear reader, we are already six and a half years late!  The new information would make it 7 years late.  I was fuming and rightly so because this was a six to eight month project in 2018!  So now, free from my ex-partner who would have been (well not happy) accepting of the delay I set to with a Risk Analysis and of course, if I'm not selling the App that this guy is developing, I'm not making money for that is what the business was set up to do in 2016. 

So I now have the freedom to make my feelings quite clear to the supplier and to set out his options for him.  Like some mystic I've read him his future!  We have paid for the Apps in full.  I don't think he gets this.  He is almost 7 years late on small contract and I mean you can pick up more expensive second hand cars for this money we are talking about.  I've had to explain that if you have paid for something and then paid around 50% more for delivery, the last thing you need to be told a month before delivery is there is a further 9 month delay.

So I did my RAID Analysis and then explained in very simple terms and very nicely what his problems are.  If you've bought something and the contract is fulfilled and you don't deliver then it's a matter of law and your rights as a buyer etc.  Anyway, you get the drift I imagine if you'd paid for an item and paid in full and then were delayed by years I'm sure you wouldn't have let it go.

So he's now received both barrels and should be in no doubt what is required of him.  He understands that it is unacceptable to receive money and not to actually deliver.  He has remedy but I am not going to do his job for him and I've reminded him how shaky the ground is on which he treads.

Suddenly after a very stressful week the pressure is off and over to him.  My business cannot survive if he doesn't deliver and if he doesn't deliver his business goes down to the depths with mine.  I would love to get the business running and try this App out in the market but at the end of the day, if he doesn't deliver I cannot and so I hope he now understands the gravity of the situation.  Whether he understands that he is stopping me making money and costing me money remains to be seen.

I was worried about closing the business down which I will have to if this chap doesn't deliver but at least now I am free to kick some ass and get it across the line something I am afraid I should have done a long time ago.

It is however serious but at the same time a huge relief and weight off my shoulders that I am free to run the business in the way it should have been run all along. 

Gaslighting

 When I was around 18 years old I recall discussing with my parents and uncles and aunts that I felt that the national newspapers were only giving me the news they wanted me to see.  I also opined that the TV was also only giving a narrow view of the world.  Of course, there was no internet but there were some alternatives although given my distrust even those were looked on cautiously.

Many years later and you can probably see that social media and online sources added to newspapers and TV still have a massive influence although I am pleased that not so many people watch the TV as they used to and many, like me, just don't listen or watch the "in your face" biased reporting you get these days.  

The MSM seems to permanently be in a state of mild shock that many people hold different views to them.  There are very few people who talk on TV now who I think "oh yes, they're telling  the truth" it no longer happens.  It's like I'm looking at a bunch of lying scoundrels and I know what they are saying is a lie whether they believe it or not.  You just have to scratch the surface and the rancid scent of bullsh1t arises.  Does what you've just heard pass the "So What?" test.  I doubt it.  They spout stuff that is incorrect, not abased on fact or data or science and what worries me is that people actually believe this stuff and happily argue with you about subjects they only know the buzz words about there's no depth of knowledge here, just tropes and propaganda.

I'm getting fed up of being accused of being a "Climate Denier!" or a "Covid Denier!" I mean break down what those words actually mean and it's like the school bully who's vocabulary is limited to the number of grey cells between his ears calling you a nasty name!  I like the argument where someone was rushed off their feet because they were at 110% capacity in the "Covid Ward" at the Hospital.  They were, honesty, going so red in the face and their necks were swelling up I thought their blood vessels would burst, it was not a nice thing to see or hear as they were almost screeching at me.  The reason behind this reaction?  Well, I know the Hospital in question and I knew that the ward housed around 40 people at most.  It's a big Hospital but how can professionals with all their training and the resources at their disposal (don't forget all other procedures were more or less cancelled) not be able to cope.  Run off their feet indeed.

Climate change - ye another yelling rancid soap dodging git telling me I'm wrong and I don't know anything and yet I can certainly point out that the diagrams and predictions don't seem to align with data.  A computer model and real world data ought to correlate.  They actually don't work.  Like my staff who used to prepare spreadsheets and plans for projects that you could drive a London bus through the cells!  A best guess to two decimal places if you were extremely lucky - these things never ever have a bearing in reality. They can make you think and speculate and do risk assessments and base a judgement but no matter how hard you try, it's someone's best guess what is happening.  If you are paid to predict disasters you'll never guess what answer will appear?

Yep, it's all gaslighting and it's all guess work.  WAKE UP PEOPLE.  It's about time, the majority who are asleep actually woke up to what is going on around them and started just applying some basic logic questions to these things.  A bit of the good old Rudyard Kipling:

I keep six honest serving-men

   (They taught me all I knew);

Their names are What and Why and When 

   And How and Where and Who.

I send them over land and sea,

   I send them east and west;

But after they have worked for me,

   I give them all a rest. 

I let them rest from nine till five,

    For I am busy then,

As well as breakfast, lunch, and tea,

   For they are hungry men.

But different folk have different views; 

  I know a person small—

She keeps ten million serving-men,

  Who get no rest at all! 

She sends 'em abroad on her own affairs,

   From the second she opens her eyes—

One million Hows, two million Wheres,

  And seven million Whys!