Leave it alone

That is it - I shall leave my desk now and wander downstairs and try and find some other distraction for a short while.

I need to do a final pack of stuff to take with me and then I can just have a few things to put in the case tomorrow morning.

7:45 is an early start considering that I am not allowed any drink past 6:30 I need to be up in sufficient time to have my tablets and I cannot eat past midnight. That's what happened in that film Gremlins! I'd better watch out then - I don't want to turn into one of them!

Wish me luck :-)

How low can you go

No not limbo dancing! Doh!..

I thought (as you do) it would be fun to do my BP readings 117 / 75 with a pulse of 65.

Any lower they'd have had to check for breathing signs!

Not bad considering my usual condition this near going in.

Going into my shell now

I can tell - very short answers to questions and not offering more than that at all. I'm nowhere near as bad as I have been but now I'm getting into the introspective part. I do go very quiet and start to switch myself off from now on.

However, I'm not as nervous as I have been at this point in time. I suppose I will have to wait and see how I mange the next 14 hours?

Not Me

Something interesting I was just talking to a friend of mine about. "Not Me" - another strategy to use once you are in Hospital. It can be a way to get through whatever you are having done by imagining it is happening to someone else. It is a strange thing but after a while you tend to look quite distractedly at what is happening to you. What can you do about it after all?

You are on the roller coaster and you just need to shut your eyes and get to the end of it. So just divorcing yourself from the reality of the situation can be another tool. It was like being disconnected from reality and seeing things happen and not worrying that they were happening to you at all.

Anyway, that is another way around some of this stuff. It will be interesting to see what tomorrow might bring. It kicks in once you realise that you are not going anywhere and you just have to roll with it.

Calm Things

I've decided to start listening to some music now and have my MP3 player pumping out some sounds. For the record (no pun intended)

I have:

• Jean Philipe Rameau - Une Symphonie Imaginaire
• Sting - Dream of the Blue Turtles and Brand New Day
• Mike Oldfield - The Complete Mike Oldfield Vols I & II
• Ludovico Einaudi - Le Onde and Una Mattina
• Antony & the Johnsons - I am a Bird Now
• Coldplay - Parachutes
• David Gray - A New Day at Midnight and White Ladder
• Hootie and the Blowfish - Cracked Rear View
• Jean Michelle Jarre - Oxygene, Equinoxe and Rendez-Vouz
• Yann Tiersen - The Amelie Soundtrack
• Jools Holland - Small World - Big Band
• Mel C - Northern Star and Reason
• Mozart - Requiem (yes I wondered about that too)
• Travis - The Invisible Band
• Pink Floyd - The Dark Side of the Moon
• Odds and Ends include Band of Brothers theme, Byrds, Argent and Colin Bluntstone's Old and Wise.

Things that got missed out this time:

• Michael Nyman
• Classic FM - Do Not Disturb Classics
• Crosby Stills Nash and Young
• James Taylor
• Carole King
• Alan Parsons Project and Colin Bluntstone
• Seal
• Bruce Hornsby and the Range
• Ex Cathedra - South American Baroque music
• Karl Jenkins - Requiem and the Armed Man

No Dreams or Nightmares

It is funny that I haven't had the dreams and the nightmares leading up to this admission. I had them some weeks ago. Perhaps the medicine and the hypno have taken away some of that?

I am pleased that I am still OK and not lying down in a darkened room like I normally am. It really is quite strange not to be all wound up and upset. I've been slowly building up to packing my bag and all the odds and ends to take in. I have a list of things here.

Keeping busy is all very well, it is running out of things to do that I'm more worried about.

I'm thinking that by this time tomorrow - I should be out and back on the ward and just relaxing - let's hope so.

MP3 Player - brilliant

Impressive - over 265 songs on my MP3 player - that should be enough for a week let alone a couple of days...

The last time I went in with a CD player, spare batteries and about 16 CDs. This time just a few spare batteries and the player which fits in my pocket - it is amazing.

Positive Thoughts and Suggestions

These are the thoughts that I have to put in to reinforce the hypnotherapy work. Those of us, of a certain age, will snigger a bit at the first and last ones as they were what Frank Spencer used to say in "Some Mothers Do 'Ave Them". However, I'm not going to knock this as it works for me.

There is far more to the session than this of course - these positive suggestions just need to be repeated every now and then. That makes them more powerful each time. Don't forget that these thoughts are already in my subconscious.

• Every day in every way I am getting better and better
• I am in control, I create my own reality
• Negative thoughts have no power over me, I am in control
• I create my own reality through the power of my mind and this is so
• I persistently think and act in the direction of my good and my goal; to be a happy, healthy, relaxed person
• I am love. I am loving, loved and beloved
• I am healed by the Creative Force within me
• My body knows just how to keep me well and I pay close attention to its signals. I obey those signals, I relax, I let go and stay well
• My body systems are co-operating with the surgical procedure, we are all working together to create healing
• My blood pressure is normal and will stay that way
• My lungs breathe easily and effortlessly
• Every day in every way I am getting better and better

This time tomorrow

I'll have been "in" for an hour. I'm a lot better this morning and my back is just lightly twinging.

Today is as much about preparation as about sorting out the odds and ends of bits and pieces that have accumulated on my desk these past few days. So much paperwork and notes and post-its. I'll work my way through these to keep myself busy today.

That is a big part of today's strategy. Keep myself tied up with a list of small things and use up today's hours distracting myself from tomorrow's goings on. There are a number of things to do including packing, setting up my MP3 player, sorting out a book to take in with me and just doing some reinforcing stuff that my hypnotherapist left me.

The rest of the day is going to be spent trying to sort out the non balancing balance sheet :-) some letters and cheques I need to pay in and to catch up with invitations and acceptances and other stuff too.

Coming to terms with the outcome

It hasn't happened yet of course. I'm hoping that things have gone well and that I'll be put on maintenance. Like last time, of course, there is the possibility that they will find something and operate straight away. I won't know until I come around on that one.

The very worst that can happen is things have got seriously worse and that they'll need to do some serious work on me. I would imagine they would have to tell me after they had done biopsies etc.

If the treatment hasn't worked but things haven't got seriously worse then they can do another set of instillations and potentially they can do another batch with some heavier chemical cocktails in them.

I realised only recently that I really hadn't come to terms with either the seriousness of my condition nor indeed quite what it was going to mean to me. I think that I deal with it in a way that it isn't that serious (to me), it is treatable and that it isn't going to get me. I'm not sure of my level of conviction when I say it though. I think I have more doubts now (some brought about by the delay) that I did 3 or 4 months ago. I've been told by a number of professionals that I have had some nasty stuff happen to me and it was no wonder I was stressed out. All in all I have realised - perhaps in the past three or four weeks - just how serious and how nasty bladder cancer is especially in its CIS form.

This new "calmness" has been a relief to me as I feel very much at ease with things and perhaps able to cope with the next steps in treatment. I'm so pleased with the hypnotherapy - I really am finding it difficult to think in any truly dark and negative ways, those thoughts are turned and held at bay.

But there are loose ends in all of this too. It isn't just the treatment, it is things like insurances, job, career, family, friendships. money, lifestyle, overall health and a combination of things that all add to the mix. It isn't just a yes or no after Wednesday as each element (and I'm sure there are more than the few above) are going to interact with the other to dictate the next route to follow.

I need to get away from the guilt of having the luxury to think like this - some folks never get the chance do they?

The work / life / balance thing has never been more apparent to me than at the moment. Clearly I've made some quite important changes to my diet, my lifestyle and my outlook. The next set of decisions - post Wednesday - will probably also change the way I live my life from that point onwards. To date I am holding back and I'm still being very cautious. I wonder if I will throw caution to the wind or take the brakes off a bit, whether I'll look to work back in the fast and furious world or take a back seat. I wonder too if I'll be looking long or short term on such things?

Someone said life begins at 40. I'm 50 later this year - perhaps life truly begins then for me?

Speculation is fine I suppose - I need to wait until Wednesday and then perhaps a few weeks later to really know.

A bit better tonight

I did no exercises this morning and my back has been rather tender all day but now, late at night it appears to be a lot better. I really didn't do much today and so almost complete rest. I'll see what tomorrow brings as I'd have liked to have done some more exercise before going into hospital. I will probably have to stop for a week afterwards remembering what they told me last time I was in.

I'll spend some time getting ready tomorrow and sorting myself out ready for Wednesday. I'm still feeling remarkably calm (for me) and whilst I'm not looking forward to the event, I am not like I usually am and getting more and more stressed out.

I really am quite impressed with both the medication and also the hypnotherapy which seems to have helped quite a bit.

Not a lot better this morning

My back is still giving me twinges to remind me it is there. I can only imagine it was a combination of loading, unloading and dragging the bouncy castle around too :-) Plus being on my feet the rest of the day here probably didn't help.

I hope I've gotten rid of this by tomorrow or Wednesday latest otherwise going into Hospital is going to be added fun.

Talking of which, I still appear to be a lot calmer about that than I have been before and I am not getting that "dread" feeling too. I am really hoping that I can carry this through over the next few days.

I paid for it on Sunday

Bad back - I wonder if that was the Easter Egg Hunt or pulling the BBQ out of the shed or just as I was on my feet for most of the day?

Whatever I have a sore back and whilst I can move about I can only do that slowly.

Long, Long Day

It was a long day today, we started early and went to set up the Easter Egg Hunt and together with some really superb friends we had a wonderful morning and I really hope made some young people's day. I felt really good about our efforts today and I am sure that those who attended enjoyed the entertainment we put on.

Later on we had friends over for a barbecue. That took a bit more organising and work than I had expected. I unleashed my secret weapon recipe. Hot plums on Toasted Hot Cross Buns. You must try this. Slice up some plums (they say grill them). I put them on a searing pan and then cooked them down adding some honey and then after toasting some Hot Cross Buns, empty the plums and honey onto them. Wonderful.

A good day...

Crikey

I do 6.5kMs on my cross trainer or more every day - that is 4 miles roughly. That's not bad at all.

In on a day like today

I remember my Mum saying that to me - it is a wonderful day outside and I am - stuck in here! I think I will try and wrap everything up in the next hour and sit outside.

My BP is even lower and all is ship shape today. I suppose I had better look out for getting a BP reading of 0/0/0 !

Morning Report

Well - I got back up to 30 minutes exercise - a few minutes afterwards my BPM is 90 and I have a BP of 125/75 - stunning.

I still feel really good and not at all worried about going in on Wednesday. The ache at the back of my hand has gone too. I'm not getting any of those jitters and rising stress that I normally get either.

I have the house to myself as the family have gone off to London for the day and I need to concentrate on some accounts that are giving me a headache, some correspondence that I should have looked at a few weeks ago and getting ready for tomorrow's Easter Egg Hunt at the Old People's Home.

The weather looks set fair for today and tomorrow and so we are going to have some friends over on Saturday afternoon and who knows, I might even wheel out the Barbecue for its first outing of the year.

Quite relaxed about this

I am surprisingly relaxed about things at the moment. The rising panic and stress seem to have gone and I'm going to have to put that down to the tablets and to the hypnotherapy.

I was really sceptical about this before but having had three or four sessions now it really is interesting. The one amazing thing was that you lose your sense of time. I thought I was "under" for about 15 minutes and yet this time I was out for 55 minutes. The experience was totally relaxing and a little psychedelic too.

I'll see how I am tomorrow. Spooky!

Don't try and do double entry bookkeeping

with a fuzzy head. Cor - this is doing my head in and I have a small anomaly in hundreds of entries and blow me - it is taking ages to find it. The good thing with a balance sheet is that when you do find it everything just falls into place. I'm really puzzled on this one, it is such an "obvious" amount.

I keep having to take my blood pressure and pulse - it is SO strange having so low a set of readings. Also my hypnotist has also left me chilled out too (well chilled out but sort of up and lively as well if that is possible?).

It is too early to say whether he has managed to cure me of my fear of Hospitals and all that so watch this space. All the positive messages are great though and its the like many of these things, a positive mental attitude, optimism and taking control yourself (if you can) all seem to help. I'm hopeful that I can now look upon the experience of going into hospital as one of taking the next step to health rather than anything else. Anyway. let's see how we progress with that.

Second Day on the pills

And my Blood Pressure is tumbling. I think 115 over 65 is pretty low and 75 BPM heart rate is pretty low for me.

I suppose I ought to come around to everyone else's way of thinking now then that this probably was a good move.