It's difficult to determine where I am right at the moment. It's a strange place and I'm stuck in some doldrums (perhaps of my own making). The bathroom and going to Monza have been a distraction and in a way a pleasant distraction. At least I've decided not to head back into my earlier life in Electrical / Plumbing for a living, it's just such hard work and I no longer have the appetite for it. It was nice to go back and do a bit of it I suppose but in reality, it would have been better to have had someone in to do more of it than we did.
I have been trying to work out quite what to do with myself from now onwards and I can't get to an answer. Much of this is to do with levels of commitment and in addition not wanting to get involved in corporate life again knowing full well that I would probably end up giving someone a slap. I'm disenchanted with lots of things these days and these include my hobbies, my own life and just about everything. Monza cheered me up no end, it was after all a holiday and it was amazing and interesting and crazy so that's fine but it's not real life.
I've started to look at whether the genealogy business could bear fruit. I suppose it could, I'm good at it, I've been doing it for years and perhaps it would interest me as I enjoy research. And yet again, something is nagging at me not to do this. I'd like to work abroad again but doing what? I just can't get to a conclusion and whilst I think I know why that might be I'm a little worried about picking at the scab and exposing what could be lurking underneath all of this. I'm a little frightened about what I'm going to find and what answers I may have to arrive at.
That said, I suppose there is a need to confront these thoughts and inner demons somehow. I'm out a couple of days this week and I might get some think time in. At the moment, I really could do with getting past this barrier and moving on and making some decisions. If not for me then for everyone around me.
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