The Ongoing Struggle

 I'm tired of a lot of things and the day-to-day idiocy is wearing me down as is just about everything at the moment.  I am so very tired mentally although physically I feel better than I have for a while.  I find everything tiresome and annoying and I am powerless in a way to do anything about it and perhaps that is the bottom line of it?  I care about things that I cannot influence or do anything about.  

I actually got out of the house yesterday and met a friend for breakfast and almost lunch the way we were going.  It's always good to catch up with an very good friend and we are similar and different in many ways.  I enjoy his company and we sort of hit similar wave lengths on most things.

I do need to get out more and I did promise myself I'd do that but it's easier to just wallow here and stew in my depression and curse the world, the people, relationships and do noting about them!  It's not easy to get out of this protective shell built to (I suppose) protect me but being insular is one thing but I am not sure it's the answer.

I'm reasonably happy being on my own and being within myself but I do not think that is the long term answer to this.  But what worries have I really got?  Well, in some ways, none.  There's friends and relationships not all of which are good and not all of which I am interacting with at the moment.  There's the business and that's just slow, ugly and complicated. It needn't be but it is and once again. not of my making. Then there's my relationship with myself and that's not entirely a confident one at the moment.  Imagine knowing in your mind full well what you should be doing and having ideas for how you could do that and then just ignoring or not acting on it?

That's the problem, it's inaction designed to hurt who though?  Is it myself or is it a wider punishment beating? It's as if life has come to a dead stop.  I don't want to do things because I am always doing things and not really getting any recognition for them.  I see problems that need addressing but why should I always be left to sort them out?  That problem isn't going away any time soon though and I feel imposed upon and put upon and relied upon but it's not shared, it's not "our" problem when it absolutely should be our problem and not mine.

This is going to continue for some time I feel and it will come to a head at some point in time.  I am hoping that the business will kick into being shortly and that I will be able to disappear into that and keep myself occupied that way.