Brilliant Evening

I heard some great news from a friend of mine that his wife is getting better and making a great recovery and I feel really lifted. He has been really kind and called me on the odd occasion just to see how I am and to offer me his support and all the time his wife hasn't been at all well. Every now and then your faith in human kind is restored.

I was at a Jazz night this evening and it was one of those magic ones. A few guests turned up and they jammed along brilliantly and there were some great solos, really good musicianship and with Speckled Hen at £2.40 a pint - you just can't go wrong really.

Fantastic night and good company. I feel much better - better than I have for a couple of weeks and it isn't the beer doing that - it is the "high" of hearing that my friend's wife is so much better and on the mend and for enjoying a good night out.

So they'd like me to work with them again

How about that. Possibility of going back to work with the company that are laying me off.

It often happens that there are a round of redundancies followed by some major people leaving followed by some key people leaving and suddenly you are struggling. These guys now don't have people available to deliver! Hey ho, what do I know?

I need to think about this. It could work to my advantage in that I need part time work and they need me.

Decisions, decisions, decisions.

It has been a busy old day again

I am off out again soon to listen to some live music - Trad Jazz. It is a nice evening out, I'm probably the youngest one there :-) The beer is cheap and the company is good and the music is always played well - wit occasional variances in quality but normally it is good fun. I also get a good walk there and sometimes back as well.

Talking of which I ramped up to 30 minutes exercising this morning only to have a phone call at 20 minutes. No I couldn't be bothered after the call to reset the machine for a further 10 minutes - perhaps tomorrow.

So I've had three meetings face - to - face and a couple of phone call meetings and a few e-mail exchanges too.

At least it keeps my mind off next week and the week after.

I am encouraged by

The occasional note I get saying keep on with the blog. I often feel that it is just mundane stuff but was "told off" for that. I suppose it is important to know that life goes on pretty much as normal and that actually your emotions go on a roller coaster ride. You can't get off the Roller Coaster until someones says you can, you have to ride it until the journey is over. The cruel bit is just when you think everything has settled down - off you go on another circuit, bend and loop the loop.

I think that I play down how serious this is. I read my consultant's notes again the other day and she told me in no uncertain terms what this disease is all about.

Anyway, I am rambling off the subject - which was that I am going to keep on doing the blog and hope that it doesn't get too boring. Sometimes all that does happen is I get up, do some work and go to sleep - life as normal - I'm beginning to be more and more thankful for that.

A good evening out was what was needed

It has again been a busy day as I was trying to get my paperwork sorted. Tomorrow I have to go and sort out some financial stuff (I can't get my head around balance sheets) and so I am going to have my work checked to make sure that I am right.

I was out this afternoon and this evening with the person who has bladder cancer but is a few years in advance of me and on the BCG maintenance regime. It does me good to see him looking so well and so I am feeling much better.

Later on I have to meet some guys about web sites, servers, domains and all that.

After that I am out to a Jazz night so that will take my mind off things for a while.

In between times I need to complete some minutes of meetings and to redo a terms of reference and a re-planning document.

Thursday I will again be out and then, with any luck things will settle down for a short while. At least being busy is taking my mind off you know what so that is good.

Disrupting my life

I know I shouldn't complain about it but it really disrupts your life having Cancer. Simple things like going out on a Monday night in 6 weeks time become uncertain events. I cannot commit to anything in case all is good and I go straight back on maintenance therapy. That then takes out the Tuesdays and my life is dictated by the uncertainty of the outcome and the treatment regimen that will put me on. I have had to turn down a number of things "just in case" and people are sympathetic of course but when things suddenly move and I could have been there it takes on another connotation.

I suppose because I have always had a planned and organised life (being a project manager it tends to fit to some sort of plan) that this uncertainty and short notice changes in plans really does knock me sideways. It takes a lot to get myself back on track and I just know that something else is going to happen to mean I've got to re-plan again.

Calmed Down a bit now

I am having a very up and down time at the moment some days I am OK others I am dreading the coming event. It is less than two weeks away now - it is only a week to assessment and by this time next week I hope that that is over. At least I won't have to go through assessment and having the Op a few minutes after they finished that.

Whilst I am in this mood I ought to get on and work my way through my list of "to dos" which still doesn't appear to be getting any less.

After a long battle

What does that mean? We use very aggressive words with cancer, you beat cancer, you defeat it, you win the battle, you battle cancer, you fight it.

I always feel for the obituary that says "after a long battle against cancer" It implies that cancer somehow "won". Pedantic semantics I may have but it is an unusual choice of words but what else could they be?

Cancer is an enemy
Cancer is aggressive
Cancer needs to be tackled aggressively

I don't think I am in a battle. I feel that I am approaching recovery different to say, a cold. You have to change your lifestyle and so you "manage" the disease and try to ensure that it never gets to a point of managing you. Whatever control you do have is focused on beating the disease so you can see how quickly I slipped back into the fighting vernacular.

Anyway, the next time someone had a long battle against cancer you'll perhaps give some thought to how long that battle was and what it meant to that person.

Dream Time revisited

It can be quite a shock waking up these days to find that actually you aren't just coming to in your hospital bed but you are actually at home. The dreams are all about the hospital but not on anything specific at the moment. Mostly this is reliving things and complaining about blunt cannulas and replaying different scenarios of the outcome. The Surgeon comes over and says hello but that is it. They smile at me and it looks good news. However path results take a couple of weeks so it isn't going to be over the day after the Op.

Perhaps the dream will pick up a bit in intensity nearer the time. Despite knowing what awaits me my mind is still occasionally running wild about it.

This time, as I understand it, they will knock me out and will take a series of biopsies around the bladder. Last time they were going to do this but actually re-re sectioned and resected another area and did some retrogrades and then took biopsies as well!

These biopsies will be around the original area of the tumour and also at intervals around the bladder. These are then mounted in a wax substance and thinly sliced and examined under a microscope. They can then determine what affect the BCG has had and what the next steps may be.

Best case is that I get to go on to maintenance therapy and get 6 monthly hits and 3 weeks a time (I believe). At 6 months afterwards a flexible cystoscopy and if all looks OK then another 3 lots of BCG and so on gradually the intervals increase but the dosage I believe stays the same.

The more often you have these BCGs apparently the more severe the reaction can get and some people don't finish the course. I really haven't had such a severe reaction that I'd have wanted to give up the course but I did get a seriously bad reaction to one that shook me and I can imagine if I had had a series of those I might have thought differently.

Another person I know with Lung Cancer

I heard tonight that someone else I know has lung cancer. That is three in as many years and two this year alone.

I wonder whether it is an "age" thing - I remember being told that you know you are getting old when your friends and acquaintances start dying.

It could be that I am getting to that age where my peer group are beginning to get cancer, serious illness and dying. Not trying to put too much of a downer on proceedings you understand. I think there is also a fair amount of being sensitive to people with cancer. There is a"not just me then" attitude. Also and perhaps a it more disturbing is ranking your cancer and severity against them. It is only natural to compare and I keep coming up with an answer that mine isn't as serious as theirs. However, it probably is, it is just (thankfully) I am not on chemotherapy, I haven't lost my hair and (hopefully) things are getting under control.

I'm meeting up with the person I now know has bladder cancer and who is on maintenance therapy - he will have completed his latest course and so I can see how he got on. He did have a very bad turn with the BCG once. Far worse than the turn I had. However, he is three or four years on from his original diagnosis which I remember being quite something. I knew it was cancer but not how bad it was. So that will be tomorrow - or in fact looking at the time later today.

Right - must dash - better get some sleep.

Connecting the dots

All I need now is confirmation that I can disappear from my employer's radar, hand back the equipment which would make it difficult to contact me and to free up a third of my desk and allowing me to draw a line under that.

I have some work to get on with, well three concurrent bits of work and I need to concentrate on those. This would allow me to do that. I can then sort out my plans and get to work free from the encumbrances of the bits and pieces I have been doing.

That would tie in the dots about winding up my employment, setting up the business again and earning some part time money through that. so that would be work.

Then there are the dots in the insurance claim. Gee 5 months that has been dragging on for and I'm still not sure what to make of that. It would be nice to connect that one and not have that to worry about.

I suppose get the 19th out of the way as well. I've got to hope that it is good news and that I'll get stuck into the observation and bcg maintenance regime. That would join those dots up.

If all three could come together then perhaps I can get some control back into my life. I can also plan this holiday that I haven't had since - 2005! That was the last one in Summer 2005!

I am wondering whether to take myself off on my own - I'm pretty good at that and have travelled extensively on business on my own and made the best of it. Sometimes it can be difficult - taking a photo of yourself always looks sad :-)

Anyway, I do hope that these loose ends can just get tidied up quickly and I can get on my way again.

Mainly Successful

I think that was it. I've handed over all of the document sets along with whatever knowledge that isn't in the file systems. Everyone seemed OK with what I gave them and I've given assurances that they can contact me should there be any problems.

I've completed a note back to the boss and hopefully we can arrange to get the PC and equipment handed back so that I can walk away from it at last. Like many of these things - trying to get a clean break point is always difficult and this - which I thought would be easier than most - is still a little difficult to extract myself from.

Last bit of work for employers

I think today could mark the last piece of work I have to do for my old employers. I'm going to walk them through all of the documentation I have left them (my legacy) and make sure they know what it is, what state of readiness it is in and so on.

Hopefully that will be an end to that, I can hand back the laptop and can put the whole thing behind me. It is baggage that I just don't want, after all I was made redundant and that is fine but to carry on working for them during the notice period is downright depressing - both parties need to move on.

I'll see if I can get that to happen in the next few weeks and then I can forget being available for them and get on with my own things.

I think it is fair to say that

I am getting quite wound up now. 2 weeks to go, I know what is going to happen as lets face it - it's the same as before but I won't be in for so long. I find the whole thing totally dehumanising and like being wheeled around in an abattoir.

I think that the worry is whether they'll find anything and what will happen then. It's not something that is cured and it can go one of a couple of ways. The ideal of course is to go onto maintenance - when will that start and finish? If it is bad news then is it something more drastic?

I don't want to wake up with the 4 weeks off work bit again but if that is what it has to be then that is that.

As I've said before the problem is recurrence and that is the worry, they can scrape away, treat and monitor but there is always the possibility that you've got an aggressive little disease and all it wants to do is get you!

That is enough for tonight. I can't imagine I'll be fun to be with for the next couple of weeks, I really notice how scared I feel. I am pretty frightened and I didn't have time to think on the other ones. This time I do and I've known for a long time that I'd have to do this.

No doubt I'll be moaning on about this in the next few weeks so forgive me for that - I keep hearing "Its got to be done" but most people who say it to me don't have to have it done to them.

Stop Talking About it

I wish everyone here would stop talking about the day I am going in. I just get relaxed and forget about it when I get "Do you want me to come in with you?" Sensible enough question but how many times do you have to ask me?

Red Moon

My goodness what a great view we had of the eclipse. It was probably the best one I have ever seen. We have the telescope set up in the back garden, video and ordinary cameras too.

It was well worth waiting up for. Combating the freezing conditions was easy with mugs of hot soup and a nice shot of brandy when I got in.

Full Moon at the Eclipse

tonight and I have the telescope out and ready. Not often you'll get to see a clear look at a reddish moon. I'd like to live somewhere away into the country as the light pollution is pretty bad and also most people would probably wonder what on earth I am up to at night with a telescope in my back garden! This is not a small telescope this has a stand and all that - it needs 30 minutes to acclimatise to the temperature and so on.

At least it something we can all do this evening I suppose.

Letting off some steam

Yes, I feel like going outside and yelling or screaming for a minute but what will the neighbours think? Situation Normal some of you dear readers may think but no!

I need to go and let off some steam somewhere - not sure where or how yet. The alternative is to go and blacken some eyes or beat the stuffing out of someone or something.

I may just have to up my exercise machine to go for an hour workout instead of my 20 minutes normal and see if I can work it out that way.

If the Rugby is on I could just go and shout at the TV - neat - problem solved!

The Dreams are back

Either side of the Operations last time and now this.

Strange stuff. Last night arguing that I wouldn't need to be kept in for four days just for biopsies. It was very strange indeed. Doctor consults his paperwork and nods sagely. I need to take my mind off of it somehow as it tends to surface more times a day than I'd like and always in my dreams.

I can do without the constant reminders about my condition. The term "coming to live with your condition" takes on a different meaning as I feel that I probably haven't still. May be it takes a lot longer to get used to it.

A bit Deja Vu

This going over old ground and worrying about things (when you can't really do anything about it). Concerns over the insurance and the ability to plan, worries over what the results will be and all that.

I'm not 50 yet and my body decided to pack it in at 49! I feel like I've been filled with some of that contaminated petrol that has been ruining people's cars this week!

I think I will turn in early tonight and see if I can achieve a good night's sleep. I haven't managed that for a long time and I could do with getting some shut eye even if only to allow me to stop this incessant yawning. I realise now that on three occasions over the past week I have been awake at 3 in the morning but still up by 8.

End of the "Working" week

What a week of ups and downs and changes of fortune. Lots of things have been sorted out but I need to get to the post office - I have loads of envelopes all loaded up ready to go, cheques to be paid in and all sorts of odds and ends to clear up.

I will be glad to get some sort of rest this weekend. Not too much though as I have to complete some planning documents and finish off some minutes of a meeting too.

That is what is nagging me

It is the inability to plan anything that annoys me. I can plan to go out next week but beyond the Hospital date then I am stuck as I don't know what will happen next. It puts me out but that really isn't the annoyance either. I could live with that but it also makes it very difficult to go and get a job at the moment. How could I start a job until after we know what the BCG has done or what the next steps are.

Typical Project Manager - Normally I can tame the unknown a bit but at the moment I have no control over my future at all. It's all very disconcerting.

What also happens is that you find it difficult to get motivated to do things and then stay motivated. I have a number of things that I need to do and each time I have to psyche myself up, plan and then run with it and I have to finish it. If I don't I know I will just leave it.

If I feel good is it a good sign?

Someone said that if you feel good then that is a good sign. I do feel very good and I still need to lose some weight so based on that he reckons that I should be OK. Is he a Dr? No, but he is someone that I'd trust to be right about this.

It is a strange thing as I suppose you cannot feel your internal organs - well I don't think you can. I can't feel my bladder or what it is doing etc. So if there was something going on in there I'm not sure how I'd tell but I'd subscribe to the fact that if something was wrong you would notice it.

I'm still reeling a bit from the nature of the disease and possible high likelihood of recurrence. None of which I like the idea of much. Some people have had a number of TURBTs and some have gotten away with just the one.

Same for everybody

I suppose the fear of going into Hospital is the same for everyone - not just me. It feels like it is just me. I really can't stand it and find it thoroughly upsetting.

I don't suppose anyone knows someone who actually likes going in then?

Confirmation

Letters for Operation and pre-flight checks (assessment) are through. 13th and 19th so at least that is something I suppose.

It still turns me over just thinking about it...

A bit? No - a LOT better

It is always refreshing to meet someone who has a completely different way of looking at the world to you. I enjoy being sold ideas that are well thought out, constructed and well delivered.

Over a few pints of bitter - and some very welcome seafood (you hardly see seafood vendors these days - he was most welcome) I learnt the finer points of business intelligence. What a delight to hear a 25 year old explain in easy terminology and to speak about the sort of returns and the avoidance of risk the approach had as a benefit.

But then, after three pints it didn't matter anyway and we spoke a load of tentacles! (Look up earlier posting for explanation).

Well I am cheered up and we both managed to get all our frustrations and annoyances about work aired! Job done, happier than I was earlier so the day ends well - and just before midnight too!

A Bit Better

I have finally sorted out some financial figures that have been bugging me for months. That cheered me up no end as I can now see where the problem was. I fixed someones PC and I am going out for a beer with my Nephew so it is a better end to the day than the rest of it.

Tomorrow I have a meeting in the morning and then I can get on and get some more work done.

So I am a little bit happier than I was earlier on in the day. I hope that lasts

Come On, Cheer Up

I'm having quite a miserable day today. I'm getting on quite well with what I have to do and trudging through a treacle of paperwork but dear oh dear, I just don't feel my normal cheery self. That will probably change when the household arrives back from work and school /college I can probably put my stage face on and sort that but I'll probably still be a little sad inside.

I want everything to be sorted out, normal, back the way it was, like it was about this time last year. Of course that isn't going to happen but that is what I feel like right now. I feel about of "why me" coming on again :-) I know well enough why me - stupid sod! It is amazing how occasionally you feel like this. Ah - there's the front door. time to put on the grease paint and put on the show.

TTFN!

Routines

I hope that having to go in for operations isn't a routine thing. I really hope that after this it moves on to something more manageable and planned. I hate the flexible cystoscopy but I hate the Operating theatre even more. Also at least you get it over and done with pretty quickly - it may sting a bit but at least you don;t end up catheterised and feeling like sh*t.

Stomach churning is just kicking in when I think about it too. I know it has got to be done though. If all is clear then it is less operations, more BCGs and scopes every 6 months. As I convince myself each time. This is better than the alternative.

Slipping the date of the op

Now means that if all is OK that there is potential that the treatment will slip into Easter and I have things to do during Easter. On top of that, it is possible that treatment may hit May and I definitely don't want it to do that as I have a once in a lifetime day out in early May and the last thing I want is to have had a BCG treatment the day before. It is possible to go out the day after but you are always conscious of the need to (possibly) dash to the bathroom something that will not be possible.

It sounds strange that you wouldn't want a treatment - I suppose if I have to have it done then I will just have to give up the opportunity knowing full well it won't come again. Decisions, decisions. As I've said before it makes planning anything an utter nightmare.

Exercise Revisited

I am continuing to do my exercises and 20 minutes 3 or 4 times a week. I tend to do my exercises first thing in the morning before breakfast and occasionally I will do exercises in the evening. 20 minutes is quite good and I have now tried out some of the more strenuous exercises which vary the loading a number of times and simulate hill climbs and descents etc. I also tried the one that works on your pulse alone adjusting the load to suit your heartbeat.

OK, OK, I can hear the mutterings - yes I DO have a heart so there!!

Insular

Slowly as we go towards the 19th March it becomes very personal and as you are the only person who can have the operation, it becomes a self centred thing. No matter what support you are getting, the one who is taking the jabs and the stress and anxiety is me.

It is 2 weeks and 4 days away and yet I am feeling quite upset about it. I know that I feel well and appear to be fine but it is nagging at the back of my mind that this can reoccur.

A Good Evening Out

It was a good evening out and we had some laughs (as you do). A really nice, out of the way country pub with some nice beers and a very warm fire!

It is funny how many things get sparked off as you are reminiscing. Anecdote followed anecdote, humorous story led on to another and so on. It was a thoroughly good evening out and took my mind off the fact that next time we will meet I should have had the next operation and should be up and about again.

Out Tonight

In fact I have been out 9 nights in ten so far - phew - no wonder I am beginning to feel it

Tonight with my old school chums and no doubt we will have a goo laugh and a trip down memory lane too. I have been ordered to wear the Not Dead Tee Shirt tonight so I suppose i had better do as I am told!

A report on progress tomorrow I expect. At least it will take my mind off the insurance claim for a while.

Let's See What Happens Now

It is one of those sit and wait things now. I had a glance at the report and it sounded and looked pretty serious to me. I had been told that it was so but I have been blocking out quite how serious it is. Again someone asked me if I "was alright now?" earlier today. The answer is of course not for a long time yet.

I am hoping that I get some sort of answer soon just to settle the uncertainty. Like all of these things there is a nagging doubt at the back of my mind about all of this.

Finally

Finally the fax was routed through me to get to my insurers. Phew it has taken months to do this.

An Interesting Day

My insurance claim has been forwards and backwards a number of times. The NHS fax system cannot handle cheap rate call fax numbers! When trying to get back to the NHS about the partial faxes the Insurance company were receiving the phone led to nowhere so no one knew there was a problem.

where there's a will there are relatives - NO I mean there's a way (of course) and so I think I have managed to free the log jam and all sides can sort it out now.

Coupled with that I have got through so much work it is unbelievable. The trouble is that it doesn't look that much :-)

No Post on Sunday

I was in recovery mode on Sunday - I just had a lazy day and so did my PC as that blue screened overnight!

I have no doubt that work will get started again this morning - it is 1 am and again, I'm having difficulty sleeping properly - in that I am awake not that I have forgotten how to sleep of course :-)

So as usual - late - no sleep, brain in overdrive so I could be here sometime before I can get to bed.

Today was a good day

I was amongst the company of many friends and acquaintances and we heard from two speakers about Prostate Cancer and the new research etc some of which is very interesting indeed.

I was inundated with well wishers and I'm really pleased if not a little embarrassed to be the centre of such attention. I felt very spoilt today - very spoilt indeed but it does make you feel so much better after you've got over the initial embarrassment of it all.

A Friend on Chemo

I met a friend of mine who has been on Chemo for Lung Cancer. He has another two to go, has lost his hair and will afterwards go on to Radiotherapy. I feel a bit of a fraud standing next to him, you can't tell other than I'm a bit of a fat boy at the moment and not quite as fit as I thought I might be.

He is doing well and it was brilliant to see him this evening. He didn't want to say much at all and I guess that I can understand that too.

Waiting isn't nice is it?

I can remember that last year's operation was so quick and so was the follow up that I didn't really have time to think about it. I was told on Friday and by Tuesday I was being operated on. The follow up was a week or so after I was told they wanted me in and again I was so busy and distracted.

This time I've known I have had to come back in for about 4 or 5 months since I was told all about my treatment and follow up. I suppose it is knowing what is going to happen to me and just the thought of it that is upsetting. I don't remember being this worried last time. I suppose I had other things on my mind and they were far worse on both of those occasions than they are now. Maybe I'm concerned what the outcome will be too. I am very conscious though of the dread in my thoughts about this one.

I have to keep telling myself that if it is good news then I'll have to go for flexibles every 6 months (not nice but there you go) and may get away without a Hospital visit. If it is bad news then they'll probably operate there and then and we will move off down some other avenue.

Yuk

Did I Say back on track

The wonders of modern day e-mail. I just got an apologetic e-mail back.

Did I say the 12th March. Nah! Try the 19th March instead. Mmm 3 weeks and a few days to go.

Shudders.........

And Another Thing

Apparently the Hospital have completed the form and it was sent back in January and has been sent back a number of times since.

Strange and curious that one says they haven't got it and the other says they have faxed it through a number of times. Perhaps the sheets were upside down in the fax - I've seen that in the past?

Now Back on Track

Looks likely to be back to the 12th March now. It was going to be 19th or 23rd March.

Anyway- doesn't matter what day does it? I'm still not looking forward to it.

Good Day out Yesterday

Phew,

It was a hectic day yesterday. More to come today as I try and sort out my presentation for tonight and get things ready for tomorrow morning. It can all get quite frenetic at times. I have a load of things to get done and just today to finish them. It just seems to have worked out that way. At least I have some sort of dialogue with the Hospital - not quite what I was expecting but a start I suppose. The trouble is they are pushing it back towards Easter which could screw up any chance of me getting away on holiday then.

Damn it they are pushing my admission back

At least a week maybe two weeks. So it doesn't need to be accurate to the 12 weeks then?

How should I know - it is only what they told me :-(

I think I might call in the morning as it just keeps slipping and therefore the opportunity to get a new job keeps slipping and so on. It is a vicious circle!

No doubt more as we progress on this!

What a Crazy Week

I thought that I had set out my stall a little better than this a few months back. I wasn't going to take on too much and I was going to take it easy and this week has just been absolutely crazy. Last weekend wasn't the best one I've had and I wasn't particularly impressed. The week has just been full of things to do and deadlines coming at me as stunning speed. It is Thursday, I have got to go and get ready to go out in about an hour. I am out for the rest of the day and probably won't get back until the very later evening. Tomorrow I am out again as I am Saturday. In each case I have to do some preparation work and I have yet to write a presentation for tomorrow. The trouble is it is relentless and an interruption here or there is enough to completely throw my timing

Back from the party

Earlier than I expected. Still it has been such a rubbish day. Now the pressure is really on as I have to be out of here tomorrow morning and up to London and I have a conference call on Friday morning and I have to think about, research and prepare a 20 minute presentation for Friday night.

No pressure then :-) ????

Like watching paint dry today

I have sat here at my PCs - I have three of them - and have been hardly able to complete or do anything tangible today. Whatever I have started I've been interrupted on. I've answered e-mails, filed some stuff away and I don't even want to know how many times I've picked up a piece of paper only to put is straight back down again.

It has been so frustrating. I thought I'd get this evening to finish off and I have just remembered we are going out to a Birthday Party - this isn't like me at all - normally I remember things like that and can blast through the work on my desk.

Attrition hits ex-employer

It was bound to happen I suppose. Injection of cash, new plan to take the business forward, bye bye MD and hello new one. Additionally there were about 7 of us went in the redundancies and a further 5 plus the MD have just resigned and so there is a lot of collateral damage. For such a small company this represents about 35% of the workforce displaced since January. It will make them reel for a few more months too.

On the up side at least they can pay me off now.

It doesn't take much

to cheer me up. Back up on a high again today and yet up until last night I'd been quite down.

Easily pleased, that's me.

A Laugh

A week or so ago this happened and I had to laugh. Youngest daughter is 13 and growing up fast but English - well, it could be a second language to her - bless!

So it is lunchtime, I'm looking through a recipe book, No 2 daughter (13) looking over my shoulder. I turn the page to find squid - from behind I hear "Look at that, it's disgusting look at all those testicles!" My wife had to rescue me whilst I was trying to explain the difference between tentacles and testicles. I almost hurt myself laughing. Daughter, for some reason didn't think it was at all funny.

Luckily I suppose they know the difference in the Hospital.

No - don't go there :-)

I Must be Sh1t to live with at the moment (or perhaps all the time)

I can imagine that you can never quite know how I am or how I am feeling or whether I'll smile or bite your head off. I think I'm pretty good at being "normal" still with just the very occasional slip up and growl or snarl.

I've been saying that I have been getting it in the neck I suppose that I could have been giving it out rather than getting it?

It is possible

Strange what picks you up

A good deed, a pleasant conversation, someone who had something similar to you, a funny line. a smiling face, a pleasant bar girl, a sincere word.

What a difference a couple of hours makes. As I get towards the date so my emotions flip flop between the ecstatic and the morose :-)

Anyway - it just shows what a group of people can do for your morale.

Lifted at last

Tonight was a great night. I run a business networking club and tonight was one of the best responses ever. New people and some who we hadn't seen for ages turned up. It was great to see them and it made so much difference to my demeanour.

Guardian Angel was there - always good to see my friend keeping me on the straight and narrow and all in all I feel really lifted as it was such a good evening.

Off out of the house

in a few minutes - going to see someone about some work I am doing for them. At least I might get out of the house for a short while and take my mind off everything else.

Any chance of getting some work done today

Has evaporated - I can't concentrate on anything at the moment. I've got one train of thought running around my head. It is going to be one of the bad days.

This is one of those days where your brain takes over and starts to beat you up - all sorts of things can get dragged up. Stuff from your past that perhaps you regret, stuff that hasn't happened yet and the consequences into the future. Stuff to make you question how you feel about yourself, your family, your friends, your life and so on.

I don't think that this is new but it is just heightened since diagnosis and I get into periods like this where all I do is try and break out of the torture my brain is putting me through. It's a malaise that just stays with you all day long. I think the scale of the issues facing me are such that this is the brain computing all the options and kicking around how to react to each potential outcome. The trouble is of course, you can't predict the future so why try. The other side of that argument is that you do probably need to work out what living with cancer is going to be like for you going forward and you need to manage it.

I'm making my head hurt now so I'll stop :-) You can still keep your sense of humour during these periods of brain over-activity. :-)

The Tension is Building

Again I can feel the slight rise in anxiety whenever I am made to think about going in for these tests. It has to be three weeks or more away and yet the thought of it is beginning to make me feel queasy this morning.

Pragmatism alone doesn't get to settle me down either. The uncertainty over the date, the impact of that date (employment) and that the insurance form hasn't been sorted to add to this. The results, well that has got to start to be a concern no matter how well I feel the results are everything and in being positive I mustn't be too upset if the results are not good.

I hate Hospitals anyway and so it is always difficult for me to go in. I find the Theatre experience absolutely terrifying and just the smell of the place turns me over.

I think you can see I'm not exactly looking forward to this.

A few more on the casualty list

Must be the time of life I reckon. Two phone calls, both guys of about my age - both got problems - not quite as bad but bad enough and they are now starting to go in and out of Hospital and be on treatment.

There must be a point in time where your body just says "enough" and it looks like it is now. If I were a car I'd have been scrapped by now!

Yuck

Phew those last set of posts! Doesn't make good reading does it? I am going to have to do something about it.

How long have things been like that though? Was it a one off? How true are the things I've observed? Is it just me and so on.....

The trouble is I've known about this for quite some while and like many things that have happened in the past, once the novelty is over everything goes back to the old ways. The biggest rut you have to climb out of is the rut you are in.

There is a way out of this, I've known that for years too, I'm just not sure I want to go down that road at the moment.

Heart / Sleeve / Sleeve / Heart

I'm going to leave those last few posts there for a while I think.

Could be me getting all stirred up with the forthcoming hospitalisation. It could be something else. Perhaps it is a new found clarity of thought. I don't know but as I've put those posts up there I ought to leave them for a while and see if I still agree in a few days time.

I have to ask myself what I am doing up at 1 45 in the morning, with a glass of Scotch and writing this instead of being curled up in bed! And it's not the first time either.

Facing up to reality wasn't really in the plot at the moment - all I wanted to do was get to the next step and have a diagnosis that says go on maintenance. I'm not sure I need or want the emotional baggage hanging around at the same time but it looks as if I have got it.

And What is that all about then?

I think that everything has changed now. The party was just a nightmare - no one wanted to be there (except me). I felt like something nasty someone had picked up or trod in and its hardly complementary.

Then it struck me that there isn't a lot left that I have in common anymore. My taste in music, film, outside interests and reading are diametrically opposed to the remainder of the household. Whatever experiences I have been through are also alien and externally I don't look ill.

I could be wrong - I hope so - but I found that no one knew me at all this weekend. Asked whether they could name my favourite music, books and interests I doubt they could get more then 2 out of 10 right. It's not that they fill their heads with soap operas and lifestyle programmes either its just that there seems to be a total disconnect now. I can easily be sat at home on a Saturday expecting to see the family and all of them are out - all day.

anyhow, I'm whinging and griping on and for this one I have no answer or anyway forward to resolve it. It goes back to the whinge last week about not getting away. It's only me that sees that Easter is probably shot now dependant on what happens in a few weeks time. I'm valuing the support of my friends but goodness only knows what is motivating the remainder of the family. Perhaps it is me being some sort of arse and causing it.

So now you've an idea what Saturday nights blogs were all about - they were FAR worse than this - believe me :-)

OK - A bit Strange I'll admit

But I like music like this. From Antony & the Johnsons

Hope There's Someone - I had this playing when I went in for the first operation just as the trolley came to get me this was the last song I heard... Spooky indeed :-)


Hope there's someone
Who'll take care of me
When I die, will I go

Hope there's someone
Who'll set my heart free
Nice to hold when I'm tired

There's a ghost on the horizon
When I go to bed
How can I fall asleep at night
How will I rest my head

Oh I'm scared of the middle place
Between light and nowhere
I don't want to be the one
Left in there, left in there

There's a man on the horizon
Wish that I'd go to bed
If I fall to his feet tonight
Will allow rest my head

So here's hoping I will not drown
Or paralyze in light
And godsend
I don't want to go
To the seal's watershed

Hope there's someone
Who'll take care of me
When I die, Will I go

Hope there's someone
Who'll set my heart free
Nice to hold when I'm tired


So how would you like to have heard that as they were just about to take you down to Theatre? Yep, that's what I thought but I really like the song it is imprinted on my brain now.

Then one I listened to when I got home

Alan Parsons Project featuring Colin Bluntstone (who I saw last year with Argent - great).

As far as my eyes can see.


As far as my eyes can see
There are shadows approaching me
And to those I left behind
I wanted you to know
You've always shared my deepest thoughts
You follow where I go

And oh when I'm old and wise
Bitter words mean little to me
Autumn winds will blow right through me
And someday in the mist of time
When they asked me if I knew you
Id smile and say you were a friend of mine
And the sadness would be lifted from my eyes
Oh when I'm old and wise

As far as my eyes can see
There are shadows surrounding me
And to those I leave behind
I want you all to know
You've always shared my darkest hours
Ill miss you when I go

And oh, when I'm old and wise
Heavy words that tossed and blew me
Like autumn winds that will blow right through me
And someday in the mist of time
When they ask you if you knew me
Remember that you were a friend of mine
As the final curtain falls before my eyes
Oh when I'm old and wise

As far as my eyes can see


I've always like this one - if it wasn't for some other tracks I like I'd have this at the end of my funeral - no really I would but there's too much good classical stuff isn't there :-)

So now you've got two of the tracks and the third one coming up. So what's that about?

Saturday Night Revisted

I heard some songs on Saturday night and I thought that the words were quite appropriate.

So the first one was this by Robbie Williams. Called Feel.

Come on hold my hand,
I wanna contact the living.
Not sure I understand,
This role Ive been given.
I sit and talk to god
And he just laughs at my plans,
My head speaks a language,
I don't understand.

(chorus)I just wanna feel real love,
Feel the home that I live in.
cause I got too much life,
Running through my veins,
going to waste.

I don't wanna die,
But I ain't keen on living either.
Before I fall in love,
I'm preparing to leave her.
I scare myself to death,
That's why I keep on running.
Before Ive arrived,
I can see myself coming.

(chorus)I just wanna feel real love,
Feel the home that I live in.
cause I got too much life,
Running through my veins,
going to waste.
And I need to feel, real love
And a life ever after.
I cannot get enough.

(instrumental)

(chorus)I just wanna feel real love,
Feel the home that I live in,
I got too much love,
Running through my veins,
going to waste.

I just wanna feel real love,
In a life ever after
There's a hole in my soul,
You can see it in my face,
its a real big place.


(instrumental)

Come and hold my hand,
I wanna contact the living,
Not sure I understand,
This role Ive been given

Not sure I understand.
Not sure I understand.
Not sure I understand.
Not sure I understand.


Lyrics END

It all depends what bit you listen to and how you read it I suppose. Anyway, one of the things that grabbed my attention on Saturday night as I sat listening to the lyrics sat on my own... There's a clue!

Keeping Well & Feeling Well

There is something about these words isn't there? Like "take care" - a funny thing to say to someone as you part - "take care" - what do you think I'm going to do, leap under a train?

Keeping Well and Feeling Well are somehow wrapped up in the language of cancer. A lot of people say that having a positive outlook is a good thing and that I am going to agree with as I am definitely trying to have that positive outlook and yet, the nearer the operation comes the more frightened and concerned I am becoming - only natural you may say but it may be three weeks away but already I am beginning to get quite nervous and touchy about it.

Keeping well and feeling well are intertwined in a way. I've said often enough that I've changed the way I eat and I've started to exercise regularly - albeit last week was just wiped out with half term and doing other stuff. I want to get better and I want to be fit again and I want to be rid of this and so changing my diet, changing my habits and living differently are all part of "My side of the bargain" I believe. The Doctors do their bit and the surgeons and the specialists can repair the damage, set a course of treatment and put in place the best possible plan for your recovery - that's what they do. It would be churlish of me to go off and do something stupid like eating the wrong things, getting on contact with potential carcinogens and to have a lifestyle that would do everything to defeat the treatment I was under.

So - I'm doing everything I can on that front.

What disturbed me the other day was those who diagnosed with cancer that CAN be treated continued to smoke, eat rubbish food, drink too much and just continue as if it didn't matter. I can't believe that you could not think - given the prognosis - to change to give yourself the best possible chance. It's a bit like that footballer who given the opportunity of a new life with a Liver transplant carried on drinking and died anyway. I really hope that I never get to feel that way about things and betray all the work and hundreds of hours of NHS time that has spared me so far.

Not that impressed

Just reflecting on 4 months taken to fill in a form or not as in this case. I don't think I'd say anything against my specialist. I happen to be here writing this because of them.

Is the form that daunting or too long that it takes this length of time to complete? Is the poor person that overloaded that they cannot do it? Surely it must be standard practice to specialists especially those who have businesses and key man policies?

The frustration is that I haven't bothered to chase it up because it isn't that important in the overall scheme of things. However with redundancy looming large and the unknown of the next few months outcomes it would be good to have something to fall back on if it all goes pear shaped.

Insurance Called

We cannot do anything as we cannot get the Specialist to complete the form and send it back to us.

That is 4 months taken to not fill in the form. I'd prefer this benefit rather than the death benefit because it is more :-)

No really though - that is taking the p*ss a bit isn't it. What if you were really ill or terminally ill, the family might need the money?

The Long Goodbye

From Work not shuffling off this mortal coil! I've sort of completed all the things they wanted me to do now and it's time to go. I'm just getting myself ready for how I am going to do that. Tomorrow they have their Board Meeting so it is worth waiting until just after that as there are some formalities they have to go through then. I can then drop the suggestion on Wednesday and if everyone is happy I can perhaps get rid of the PC and other stuff and get a clean break at the end of February.

I'm remote enough from it now for it no longer to be upsetting to leave. The hard bit will be cutting all the ties and leaving them to their own devices once the kit is handed back.

New Week - Time to get organised

Yep, I'm doing something every day this week and it looks as if it is going to be a busy one with work stuff and clearing up and archiving loads of stuff in my office. I did a shed load of clearing yesterday and I am left with just a few files to sort out. Now I need to start on the three shelves of software CDs and DVDs I have. They might just be better suited being put into a CD file system rather than being left in their Jewel cases.

I'm also archiving and backing up the computers again and hopefully I'll get rid of my old company laptop this week or the next as I have almost finished the work I was doing for them

Saturday night was bad

I went to a party and felt as if I was the only person who wanted to be there. All they wanted to do was to get home, all I wanted to do was to enjoy myself. It hardly seemed worth going the fuss everyone made so I'm wondering why. Also hence there were many strange blogs yesterday and in the early hours of this morning. Nothing sinister just a bit more whinging than I normally am!

Missing Posts

If you wondered what happened to the last 6 posts I did last night - well I pulled them as they went over the line. If you read them, then you probably saw more of what I've been thinking about these past months than you should have. If you didn't read them, they were far too open when I re-read them in the cold light of day.

Lucky Really

Those few layers of cells stopped it being a very sad story. But then yesterday I got a note from one of my far flung cousins who has had their bladder removed a long time ago and that's fine but now there are lots of complications and all sorts of things happening, most wholly unrelated - part of getting old. The thing here is that I don't have lots of things wrong with me, I've been well for 30 years and so I suppose I am lucky and shouldn't moan too much.

It's a big deal if you got something like this and yet, looking around there really are people far, far worse off than yourself.

Back to this changing thing again

I've changed. My outlook is different, my temperament is different, my worries are different and my ability to or the way I compute things is different too.

Outlook: I really didn't think I'd be here once I knew what I was diagnosed with. I know differently now but to think that I was only a few microscopic cells between one life and another is scary. Because I am alive and I am fit and I am pretty healthy I'm going to look at things differently. I used to be indestructible but now I know I am not, that I'm mortal and that my body didn't hold up to the onslaught that was my lifestyle.

What else? Not sure at the moment. I'm not sure if I want to share what is crystallizing in my mind with everyone reading this blog. At the back of my mind is the real possibility that where I am and what I do and how I live ought to be changed. I can't tell if that is a radical change or just a few things. I am no longer going in the same direction as everyone else and I'm not sure if I want to force myself to conform to what I did before I was diagnosed. Sorry that was a bit oblique but read between the lines and I think you'll get there especially those who know me.

Temperament: That is different these days. I still haven't equalised this out. Anger one moment, tears the next, huge highs and massive lows. OK the lows aren't that bad and they aren't that dark (they were early on) I'm happy to be alive, a little too extrovert for my liking and a little too loud and too me, me, me as well. One minute I ridicule my condition the next it is a serious thing. I don't know what balance to have and no doubt it will settle down with time.

It is difficult to hold a balanced view. I'm terrified of the stuff to come shortly yet I'll get through it. It's necessary, I'm not brave either. I have a serious condition and yet I can be dismissive of that too. I think that the settling down will come once the situation has settled down. Things are still unknown and still to be finalised and to be set out. At each stage things have gotten better. This next step could be good news and suddenly (if it is) everything will become clear and a plan can be put in place and efforts can be channelled and geared towards it and perhaps I can get down to "normality" whatever that will be then.

My Worries are different: What I mean by that is that I'm at a stage where I can sort out important things in my life like paying the house off and that sort of thing. I now have the flexibility to change the way I am living to suit whatever is thrown at me. I'm past caring about climbing the greasy pole at a corporate level, life became too short for working your tail off with my diagnosis. I may still need to work but I need to work smarter not harder and I don't need all the rubbish that goes with it.

The way I compute things: Interesting thing to say perhaps? What I mean by that is that I no longer think in the same way I did before. I'm no longer as cautious as I was before and I don't think too long and hard about doing something that I'll enjoy. I almost got agoraphobic at one point and I don't want that to happen again. I'm also finding somethings difficult to think about and to come to decisions about. I've already alluded to the fact (above) that I'm veering off on a different path and I can't quite understand that. Perhaps I've now got the chance of having more time to think and consider my actions and reactions and whereas in the past I'd let things go or tow the line, perhaps now I'm asking more questions and using the word "Why?" more often.

I don't like the idea of anyone getting hurt along the way but I foresee that as a by product. I don't think it is just the patient who suffers with cancer. I have a feeling that there is going to be more upset and disruption to come and that there is a price to pay. I can imagine in terminal cases that it brings people closer together or tears them apart. I have a feeling that something like that is going to happen eventually.

So, that stuff above reflects my thoughts on Friday night. I still need to re-assure everyone that this blog is the safety valve and my sounding board too. The process of coming to terms with my new found life necessitates me going through these questions and emotions - to share them on here doesn't always mean that I agree with them or that they will happen. Roll the caveats (no animal was hurt during the writing of this blog - the events and characters are fictitious etc :-) )

Of course, I may find out that all this "deep and meaningful" stuff really doesn't matter at all - just my way of coming to terms with everything.

Now I've Thought it through

it all makes some sense and I don't feel quite so bad about things. I can now quite happily move everything back to mid March and work from there. It is a nuisance of course but it will allow me to get rid of the old job and shake off the "baggage" that has with it. Additionally it will allow me to get myself in some sort of order back here.

I feel a spring clean of my office coming on and I have made quite a good start. What exactly can you do with a few thousand 3 1/2" floppy disks, I must have close to 500 CDs and a few hundred DVDs all containing computer software and files which need to be put somewhere or just thrown away. So I've plenty to keep me occupied and who knows I might just get myself organised.

Saying No

Despite all the things I have said about being more assertive and doing my own thing. I still don't say "NO" half enough. It really leads you into half the difficulties you find yourself in. If I'd have said no a few weeks ago I wouldn't have been worrying about getting a job.

Nothing to Worry About

Doh! As my old mate Homer J Simpson says.

There is me worrying about starting a new job and all that and there really isn't any reason to worry at all:

1. I'm on PAID garden leave until the 17th April so what is the rush?
2. By that time, whatever would have happened to me I'd be recuperated or would have had 3 treatments
3. The way work is at the moment, I should be OK to find another job
4. My health is far more important than starting a job straight away

There - it was; easy once I'd sat down and thought about it without any distractions.

Alone in the House

And back to my normal quiet self. Bashing on with this week's paperwork and planning out what I am going to be doing next week. Next week looks manic as I'm out every day by the looks of things. Yes 6 days non stop out and about.

So, today I am getting ready for that. I have a speech to do for next Friday - I suppose I ought to start that as well!

Don't lose your sense of humour

Guardian Angel was "on to me" earlier :-)

I need to state publicly that I have not lost my sense of humour nor have I succumbed to the "Dark Side".

It has been one of those weeks - half term, no holiday when I was expecting one, people wanting me to work when all I want is a holiday and so on. The anger of the situation is actually directed nicely at the pages of this blog. It works a treat for me to get it out of my head and onto this electronic paper.

However I have not lost my sense of humour - black as that may be!

Pent up anger and agression

It surprises me and I have no doubt a lot of people that I get really angry with things these days. I no longer care what people (that are not known to me) think about me and I can quickly launch into a broadside if I thing they are wasting my time or just downright rude or some other such excuse.

I think that I am actually a lot more relaxed especially with friends and family but know that I am also full on expressing myself and being "me with cancer" - it is a totally different "me" to this time last year for example.

But this anger thing is strange. I'm feeling quite calm here, sitting in front of my PC and banging out a few lines and yet I'm angry at the same time. I can't tell you what about - I think it is because I've got cancer and I've got to go back in and they are going to stick things in me again and I'm going to have to go through some other unpleasantness. Maybe it is that no one changed except me (I said this a day or so ago). Maybe it is that I've want to do things and "escape" a bit but the moral dilemma is that I still have to go on providing and "being there" and I'd be quite happy to pack my bag, jump in the car and go and walk around the Lakes or go to the West Coast of Scotland or something. Maybe that IS why I'm angry.

It is still strange though, pent up rage, anger, aggression and yet I don't feel like yelling or breaking anything just seething seems to work for me :-) Right this moment, I don't feel any anger at all. It's out now. On the blog and for all to see.

I can easily believe that a lot of people with cancer are angry though. You finally find some sort of truth about yourself and you are so far entrenched that you can't get out and live the life you think that perhaps you now ought to be living.

Thanks to an old friend for this saying "The biggest rut you have to get out of is the rut you're in".

I think if there is going to be a change it will be monumental though.

Impressive - Most Impressive

The London Eye that is. I wasn't certain I'd enjoy it but it really is good and the views on a day like to day are great. We cheated - we knew it was going to be glorious sunshine today and so booked late last night to go. You just turn up, stick your credit card in a machine which prints out your tickets. A spot of lunch and on the the Photography Gallery and then to China Town and the National Portrait Gallery.

It has been a great day out, I could have stayed on for more but everyone else was tired. Bless!

Poxy Uncertainty

I have just realised how much the forthcoming operation is going to mean to me - it is, as I expected, bang in the wrong place for me to start a new job. Redundancy complete 17th April. Hospital 12th March (expected) and then if OK, 2 weeks later 26th March results and (please let it be this) BCG immunotherapy would start following Monday for three weeks. Taking me through to the 16th April! What does that do? It means that until I have seen the results on the 26th I would have no certainty on what days I could start. I really couldn't start until after 17th April contractually and otherwise as the treatment would mean starting a new job and being off on the sick for two days in the first three weeks.

It also means that any idea I had of a holiday in April can also go by the way as well.

Strewth.

It isn't a rehearsal

Someone told me that a few years ago. "Life isn't a rehearsal; you don't get a second go at this!"

Yet try and get someone to change and do something even a little outrageous and tell them "life's too short" or repeat the warning above and it zooms over their heads.

I'm wondering whether to just go and do stuff myself - on my own or with someone else. Trouble is someone is going to get hurt if I do. So do I take my own advice or do I just stay doing the safe stuff from now on?

Anger Management

I could still easily rip that idiot's head off. Damn Snake Oil salesman. I hope he meets someone with cancer soon who explains the facts of life to him.

It's good to have a little rage every now and then.

Snake Oil, Pills and Anti Cancer Drug Salespeople

On a networking platform I've just read this utter b*ll**Ks from some MLM pill salesman about Cancer. Twat - he hasn't got any idea what it is about and what it is like. I want to go online and flame the b**t**d but I'd only threaten the git with physical violence.

These stupid kids who pick up some US idea that Cancer can be cured by taking some extract or other need to be strapped to a table whilst I borrow some of the more interesting surgical equipment I've had used on me and let me experiment putting these in to places where they should be but by an amateur. The bloke is a disgrace.

I will have fun if I meet him at a networking event as I will destroy the little git and reduce him to tears if he has any sort of brain. I'll carry on with my medication and he can carry on shoving pills, berries and snake oil up his arse.

I bet you can't tell that this guy sort of made me see red can you? So if you see any snake oil or pill salesmen (oh and the other ones sell shakes and drinks) just don't wait; smack them straight in the mouth and say that it came from me. What a useless waste of oxygen, time and space these people are. The trouble is the false hope they must give to all the people who buy this stuff. Can you imagine that these people live on the misery and despair of those who are going through the most horrible times of their lives. I feel I've wasted to much Internet ink on them. They should be put down at birth. Failing that they should be made to take their pills and snake oil and become the subject of the clinical trials they spout prove the efficacy of their potions.

Oh yeah - if you peddle this filth don't even think about commenting on my blog it will just get blanked out.

Aha that will be it

I think I figured out this a bit now but only a bit.

I've changed massively, it all happened to me and my brain is computing all the variables and my body is telling me how much it hurts, doesn't hurt, is uncomfortable and so on. I do tell the family some of this. my wife knows more of the times when I've been curled up in a ball but other than that, my condition hasn't changed them particularly. We know that whilst it is nasty and life threatening that now I'm under observation and treatment then things are manageable.

So, what am I driving at? I've only realised that it is only me that sees thing this clearly and sees an urgency to wanting to do things. Everyone else has of course, been supportive and sympathetic but their life HASN'T changed. That is it. They have to carry on as they need to, going to college and school and work. Its me that is struggling with all the permutations and mulling decisions and turning over why I couldn't see why it didn't matter to anyone but me that we didn't go on holiday this week.

I know a hell of a lot about my disease, my diagnosis, the percentages, the possible outcomes and the long term prognosis. I'm not laying down in an oxygen tent or in intensive care or a hospice so I'm alright and if you didn't know that I had Cancer you'd probably think that you'd met someone who was a little more livelier than you'd have expected.

So, I'm on the journey, the family haven't been affected half as much as I think they have. I've convinced those (including myself) that I'm not going to peg out tomorrow and so generally as you can't see the change then it must be that I'm OK.

Note to self - only you are thinking like that not everyone else is tuned in to your wavelength and they have no idea why it is a great idea to get away to a place you've never been to. So life goes on as normal - its just you that is no longer normal :-) Goes back to an earlier post about being selfish in a way. I feel I have changed beyond recognition in the last 6 months but obviously not to the folks around me.

The LAST thing I want

Is these Spam messages talking about Penis enlargement - Frankly I have enough worries about what the Hospital are going to stick up there next. Any larger and the catheter would have to be longer and any longer and well, it just wouldn't be fair :-)

So, can you stop the Penis enlargement e-mails and also the breast enlargement ones to as whatever tablets I have had already seem to have worked :-)

A nice evening out

With the wife and the girls and we went and saw Mary Poppins the stage show version. It was very good. I'd suggest you try and put behind any memories of the film and you are OK, the bloke that plays Dick didn't take lessons from Dick Van Dyke! Where did he get that accent from? One of life's great mysteries.

Anyway, it was really nice to get out. I was almost becoming agoraphobic I think. It takes a bit to get me moving these days but once I am out of the house I generally get into the swing of things and enjoy myself.

That's worrying

Sat down and listened to a James Taylor CD. Now I know something is wrong :-)

At least it isn't that lethal cocktail of Leonard Cohen, a Bottle of Scotch and a loaded revolver!

If anyone hears me humming "You've got a friend" give me a slap - nuff said....

It stops you making plans

I wanted more than anything this week to get away with my family as we had no time away last year (apart from a visit to my parents). I had it all planned, flying off on Sunday and back this Friday to Italy, France, Malta, Canaries, Spain etc. I even offered Brussels and Paris by Eurostar. Of course Valentine's day falling in the middle hoicked the prices up but it is no object when the idea is to go away as a family.

No one could make up their minds and there is college work and course work to be done and so, I'm not going anywhere apart from a London show that we organised yesterday! Not even Spamalot!

There's always a reason not to do something and I'm getting worried now that come Easter, I'll actually be doing one of two things. I'll either be part way through a BCG set of Maintenance Therapy or I'll be on Radio or Chemo prior to some more serious work being done on me.

I'm upset about that but I really can't go and be upset if everyone else thinks and acts as if everything is back to normal. Dilemma isn't it?

Of course, some people now want me to do a shed load of work this week and I don't feel up to that, I want to have some time away - I'm just not going to get it.

Come April I probably wont either and then I may be lucky and get away during the Summer. I should have just gone myself or have found someone to go with.

What is also annoying is that I'm trapped by a garden leave redundancy contract so I can't get on and do something else and I'm also a bit worried if I do start something before the time is up as in 4 weeks I'm going back in to Hospital and I really don't know what is going to happen then. It's all the uncertainty surrounding this. It gives you no easy way to plan out your life, actions, jobs and so on. I'm sure once March is out of the way I can probably get a handle on it again once I know what is to happen to me.

Maybe I ought to just take myself off for a week somewhere and relax. Difficult to know what to do really!

A Friend's Father Dies of Bladder Cancer

I hadn't realised that my Friend's Father/Father-In-Law had died as a result of Bladder Cancer. I knew it was Cancer and I knew it was over 20 years ago it was diagnosed. It had got out and about too so there were issues with that. That is probably the first person that I actually knew/know who has had it and has subsequently had a cause of death from the same.

Mine's contained at the moment - it's called superficial but it is anything but superficial - they are going to change that wording as it is very confusing. A scratch is superficial. Mind you an infected scratch can kill you too I suppose.

Procrastination

I've been dithering about today. I think I shouldn't go and read these forums for bladder cancer first thing in the morning nor last thing at night or every day from now on. Bless them, the people on there are so much worse off than me and although there have been a couple of great stories of cancer free results, most have far more serious conditions, side effects and so on.

I think that perhaps leaving that alone for a while and seeing if that is affecting me may be a useful ploy.

Must be the 4th Night

on the trot that I have been up at this time - what is it? 1 in the morning. I have no idea what is going on - it seems to be a recurrent thing. I'll try and change back to getting to bed earlier. Somehow I just don't feel tired. I stick my MP3 player on and I'll probably be awake still in an hour. Yet at 5 pm I was falling asleep.

I'm going to treat this coming week, as far as I can, as a break - we should have been on holiday - we are going out by the looks of it and off to London for a show. I'd like to have seen Spamalot (of course) however Mary Poppins looks like the one we got. I'd have preferred my idea - by now we would have been nicely settled in to a Hotel somewhere on the Med! No such chance - everyone else has things to do. I might just go and please myself. I threatened going with someone else - no one seemed worried.

I'd better go get some sleep if possible

Go Away Cold

The nose and head type. I sound like a frog at the moment and I'm bunged up and whilst I know I am over the worst of this cold it is really sapping - I tried to do some exercise but because I can't breath properly I had to stop that. I've been trying to sort out some paperwork and just cannot concentrate either. Having too much time on my hands means that I am thinking too much and generating blog entries like the previous two and that is unlike me to be quite so down so far off from an event.

So - I am going to go and drug myself up for the rest of the day and see if I can shake this.

Other than that - I'm still feeling well and appear to be keeping fit and healthy and no recurrences or anything worrying going on.

Heavy Stuff

That last post was a bit heavy wasn't it? It's all about how you see it though - if you think how many people have General Anaesthetic in any one day - I suppose it could be statistically shown to be like flying or some such % per operation taken. However, it still isn't going to make you feel any better being wheeled down to theatre and going through the procedures prior to being put under.

The whole thing is not nice - necessary - but not any one's favourite pastime I suppose. The point is that as these things get closer the mind starts bringing it to the head of the list and the nearer you get to the date the higher the stress and the foreboding becomes. All the pragmatic stuff - you have to have this done - it is for your own good - at least we will know if the treatment has worked - doesn't argue the emotions - you just have to get on and deal with it the best you can. A good result will probably change my view. If it is good I think that it means no more operations under general but two exams per year under local. Slowly I come to realise what this means for the rest of my life...

Will I Wake Up?

I thought just after the last post that the thing that I have always felt, just as they put you under and the thing that probably frightens me the most is that the last thing I may ever see is the theatre staff leaning over me as the general anaesthetic kicks in and I close my eyes.

A morbid thought but I assure you that is generally the thing I am thinking about at that moment. That and all the things that I may have left undone, haven't documented and haven't told people where stuff is and so on.

No matter what anyone may say about things being better these days - this still worries the daylights out of me. Just one more thing to add to my stress levels when I go into Hospital.

Always makes me laugh that they are concerned about my blood pressure being high. Having to be knocked out and having a rigid tube shoved you know where and lumps cut out and something else shoved up there afterwards and goodness knows what else and you expect me to walk in and be calm and not worried or stressed? Perhaps some people are OK with this or it comes with repeated visits (please not too many for me).

4 weeks I guess

It should be 4 weeks from now that I need to go back in and have these biopsies. I'm pretty certain that I won't have the surprise I had last time of having a second operation or even more done than the first.

The little frightening bits have started creeping in already and the dread of Hospitals, needles, being put out and catheterisation are all looming up in the distance. I haven't felt this for a while and it is actually quite disturbing and it starts to play gradually on your mind and will reach a crescendo a day or perhaps a few hours before the event. I haven't had the letter yet but 3 months is around about the 12th March.

The trouble is it affects your ability to concentrate or to be assertive and commit to things. I can feel my conversations tending towards this and so every thing is preceded by after my operation or I'm not sure if I can do that - and the reasons are, I really don't know how I'll feel this time. Last time they assured me I'd be out in a day and need the week off but to take it easy as I'd be back to bleeding and would need to take it easy etc. Doesn't help does it? Last time of course I ended up back on the 3 weeks not doing anything trip.

So there you are, I am obviously beginning to psyche myself up for the Op and 4 weeks isn't a long time. I remember straight after the treatment thinking that 3 months or a quarter of a year was a long time to wait until they found out how successful the treatment had been and here I am staring down the barrel.

Being hit by a truck

One of my more used sayings but today I feel just like that. I can barely talk (a good thing some may say) and feel pretty rough. Not sure if I picked this up going to London on Tuesday - it is the sort of thing that happens unfortunately especially if you aren't used to squeezing onto packed commuter trains that are either too hot or too cold and you are pressed against people with the cold from hell.

Yuck - now I remember why I didn't like commuting to and from London every day!

The Moral Dilema

So I get an opportunity to go for a contract or a permanent job.

A contract job I can get away with taking time off as I don't charge my customer and so it is down to me to pay myself sick pay and all that. Do I tell prospective customer that I have BC? I suppose it isn't relevant at the moment. Only March's tests will tell me what the long term will hold. I mean if it is good news then I'll probably be off for two days a week for three weeks every six months.

Now with a permanent employer what do I do? Lets say that I get to the last round and they want to take me on - I've mentioned nothing about current health and then the HR questionnaire comes through or the request for a medical.

If you know me you know that normally I'd volunteer this information to allow the prospect the opportunity to use that in their evaluation. I have no idea if I'd be discriminated against for having Bladder Cancer but you never know do you? What would an employer think if taking someone on who potentially is going to be off having treatment at least 12 days per year and also with Cystos and consultations you could add 4 more days I suppose.

It is looking more and more likely that the best way to go is contracting. I think I'd be comfortable knowing that it wouldn't affect the customer's bottom line where the employed route would.

An interesting dilemma.

Glad I am indoors

Snow everywhere and the usual travel chaos. I came down overnight with a stinker of a cold, a real sneeze, cough, sore throat and bunged up nose jobby. Lemsips are on the way. I was going to go up to the Chemist Shop but (and how quaint is this) it is half day closing where we live. Help is at hand though - Sainsbury is open up the road. In the meantime I have eucalyptus oil burner in my room - I can't smell a damn thing though :-)

I still haven't caught up on all my work yet but I am getting there. A few more days of this and I reckon I may have it licked. I've got a stack of filing to do but once that is done everything will start to look in order at last.