Like - some months ago I was complaining that I kept forgetting words and felt very slow - well that has gone but it must have happened gradually and there was no one day that I could have said - Oh look I got my brain back! Perhaps it was getting out and about again?
I also thought of the painfully slow way I used to get in and out of a chair or bed and whilst I am still careful I can motor around now. I can dash up and down the stairs and I can easily do 10 minutes on the cross trainer now. I'm going to keep to 10 minutes for a little while but it is encouraging. Driving the car is easier and I don't need to stop so often. I also don't need to keep rushing to the toilet as well and I have settled back into having a sensible amount to drink during the day.
Working on your fitness takes more time but I am pleased my brain is back to normal - if I could ever have a normal brain that is.
Monday, January 22, 2007
A Strange Morning
The start of a new week; I'm officially redundant and yet I've logged on to my PC this morning. I've agreed an amount of work to complete before I disappear and it is all very strange. The e-mail is eerily quiet, there are no meetings in my calendar yet the ones I usually attend carry on as normal.
I have very mixed feelings. I suppose I should get on and do the little tasks they want me to finish but my enthusiasm isn't that high this morning. I actually feel slightly guilty about not doing anything for them - which is a bit bizarre as what can they do about it? Sack me :-)
Yes a strange morning but I am looking forward to lunch time and meeting up with a very good friend again who had his Prostate removed last year at the same time I was diagnosed. He and I will both be looking for jobs this year. Because he has had similar (although not quite the same) experience it is good to chat through what has happened to us. Not surprisingly our conversations these days are much brighter than they were 5 months ago.
Speaking of which it is 6 months yesterday that I was diagnosed - it feels much much longer because so much has happened. Crikey 6 months...
And so - to work! or NOT - as the case may be :-)
I have very mixed feelings. I suppose I should get on and do the little tasks they want me to finish but my enthusiasm isn't that high this morning. I actually feel slightly guilty about not doing anything for them - which is a bit bizarre as what can they do about it? Sack me :-)
Yes a strange morning but I am looking forward to lunch time and meeting up with a very good friend again who had his Prostate removed last year at the same time I was diagnosed. He and I will both be looking for jobs this year. Because he has had similar (although not quite the same) experience it is good to chat through what has happened to us. Not surprisingly our conversations these days are much brighter than they were 5 months ago.
Speaking of which it is 6 months yesterday that I was diagnosed - it feels much much longer because so much has happened. Crikey 6 months...
And so - to work! or NOT - as the case may be :-)
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Working on Levels with THE Tee Shirt
Well on Saturday I wore the "I'm Not Dead Yet" Tee - Shirt to the genealogy day and it raised many a smile as of course it works nicely when everyone in the room is tracing their dead ancestors and as I hadn't met some of my far flung family for two years - they could at least get to see that I was indeed in rude health.
But two years - I cannot believe that it was January 2005 that we last met - it seems impossible that it could be that long. I suppose I keep in touch on e-mail and by newsletter but - how strange. I missed last year through illness and I wonder now if I was feeling the beginnings of what I had then? In fact I think I said it before, that I haven't felt this well in many many years.
Will I be able to get my Tee-Shirt back for my Tuesday evening meeting with my mates who will appreciate the Monty Python meaning....
But two years - I cannot believe that it was January 2005 that we last met - it seems impossible that it could be that long. I suppose I keep in touch on e-mail and by newsletter but - how strange. I missed last year through illness and I wonder now if I was feeling the beginnings of what I had then? In fact I think I said it before, that I haven't felt this well in many many years.
Will I be able to get my Tee-Shirt back for my Tuesday evening meeting with my mates who will appreciate the Monty Python meaning....
Normality
After a long time I turned up at my committee meeting today. Got a good reception and many were pleased to see me and to know I was alright. Interesting phrase - "Re you alright in yourself?" Perhaps I'll discuss that later on.
The usual stuff a committee is always difficult to run especially one as big as ours. The trouble is, as I suppose with a lot of these things, you really need to have time on your hands to "Do" things and I do plenty already. Nearly everyone on the committee has lots of demands on their time but how do you get others to "do" rather than us, the same old faces? I'm not going to solve that one for sure.
It is good to get back to this sort of thing as I have missed it and I have actually not been able to attend regularly for many years. Let's hope that I can from now on - it is a good cause.
The usual stuff a committee is always difficult to run especially one as big as ours. The trouble is, as I suppose with a lot of these things, you really need to have time on your hands to "Do" things and I do plenty already. Nearly everyone on the committee has lots of demands on their time but how do you get others to "do" rather than us, the same old faces? I'm not going to solve that one for sure.
It is good to get back to this sort of thing as I have missed it and I have actually not been able to attend regularly for many years. Let's hope that I can from now on - it is a good cause.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Nice Saturday
Yes indeed,
I drove to Barking for the Family History AGM and Fair - it only took about 35 minutes which was great. I used to take the train but it took so long last time to get home. I saw some far flung cousins and I could have spent hundreds of pounds on genealogy stuff.
It was good to get out of the house. I also treated myself to a big greasy breakfast.
Oh, and my confirmation of termination of employment arrived!
Nice day
I drove to Barking for the Family History AGM and Fair - it only took about 35 minutes which was great. I used to take the train but it took so long last time to get home. I saw some far flung cousins and I could have spent hundreds of pounds on genealogy stuff.
It was good to get out of the house. I also treated myself to a big greasy breakfast.
Oh, and my confirmation of termination of employment arrived!
Nice day
Friday, January 19, 2007
Interesting Week Coming up
I am out on Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Now Tuesday on not just once a day either. Tomorrow I'll be off to the East End to meet with some of my remote family - researchers of the family name. Sunday a committee meeting. Monday off out to lunch and out in the evening, Tuesday fixing some computers and arranging a meal and then out in the evening.
Could it be that I am getting my life back? I certainly hope so! I haven't been this active for a few years.
Could it be that I am getting my life back? I certainly hope so! I haven't been this active for a few years.
It doesn't go away does it?
Sometimes you can do really well and forget that there is anything wrong with you but it doesn't last long. I think about my condition every-time:
Anyway, there you have it, a strange observation you may think but one that is always there accompanying you.
- I go to the toilet
- I eat anything
- I drink anything
- I exercise
- I see anything that might remind me (Cancer Research leaflet/advert etc)
- I see this site
- I log on to some other site
- I have nothing better to think or do :-)
Anyway, there you have it, a strange observation you may think but one that is always there accompanying you.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Exercise - a passing fad or here to stay?
I have been using the cross trainer and I have now built up to 10 minutes a day at about 1/2 loading. I have not used any of the preset programmes at the moment.
I almost look professional limbering up and then doing my 5 minutes increasing to 10 a day.
Can I feel anything? Actually I can already. My leg muscles and my stomach muscles are beginning to feel tighter.
As long as it helps me to get a little fitter than I am and to fit back into my clothes I will be delighted. It is early days yet but I can see the few minutes a day growing. I see the reason people have MP3 players strapped to them, it can be boring.
I almost look professional limbering up and then doing my 5 minutes increasing to 10 a day.
Can I feel anything? Actually I can already. My leg muscles and my stomach muscles are beginning to feel tighter.
As long as it helps me to get a little fitter than I am and to fit back into my clothes I will be delighted. It is early days yet but I can see the few minutes a day growing. I see the reason people have MP3 players strapped to them, it can be boring.
Opportunity to do something different
I wonder if I dare try and do something completely different - not get back into the IT world or have to work in the City or do some other soul destroying 9 to 5. It is all about balance and getting enough money in and doing enough to keep mind and body and soul together. I've often fancied just packing it all in and going to do something like run a tea room or perhaps a mill and tea room - something like that. The biggest problem is whether I could actually work with "Joe Public" I reckon I'd be like Basil Fawlty and be yelling at the "guests".
Someone suggested that I go and become a lecturer at the local colleges. That would be nice.
Someone suggested that I go and become a lecturer at the local colleges. That would be nice.
Now What do I do?
Good friend turns up tonight. Fancy being a Director of my business?
Gulp! I'm hardly cold from the last job as of yet :-) A night to sleep on it is required!
Do I want to be a Director - me, Mr. Angry? Not sure if I would but perhaps I might be well suited now after all my problems? Who knows
Gulp! I'm hardly cold from the last job as of yet :-) A night to sleep on it is required!
Do I want to be a Director - me, Mr. Angry? Not sure if I would but perhaps I might be well suited now after all my problems? Who knows
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
See - Not THAT Bad
A couple of sandwiches, a possible job just come through and suddenly things aren't that bad after all. Mate coming over to buy me a drink as well!
Catch you later then
Catch you later then
I didn't expect that to happen
I just got the call, about 11:45 am and the confirmation that I am redundant. I thought I was fully prepared for that and I actually do feel an emotional twang. It's not the money, it surely isn't the journey to and from Yorkshire both of which aren't particularly good. I joined because of the people and the products. They really are the bits I will miss but I will work with them again I am certain.
The company has a lot of soul searching and some serious growing up to do this year. Those who remain will have their work cut out to meet the challenge and it is the sort of environment that I actually thrive in when "backs are against the wall".
So - feeling a little cut up now that it is definitely over. I can now sit down and decide my future and what I want to do. I would have hoped that the Critical Insurance issue would be sorted by now as that is a factor in my future too. I got a letter saying that they had still not received the report from the Hospital and had now rung them. 3 months the Hospital have had the report to complete. Lucky I didn't need the money or was terminally ill - crikey, imagine if it was really bad and amongst all the problems someone had to keep chasing up this to make ends meet. Dreadful.
Anyway, I'm sitting here slightly shocked and a little saddened by the turn of events. I'll go and have some lunch and pick myself up this afternoon.
The company has a lot of soul searching and some serious growing up to do this year. Those who remain will have their work cut out to meet the challenge and it is the sort of environment that I actually thrive in when "backs are against the wall".
So - feeling a little cut up now that it is definitely over. I can now sit down and decide my future and what I want to do. I would have hoped that the Critical Insurance issue would be sorted by now as that is a factor in my future too. I got a letter saying that they had still not received the report from the Hospital and had now rung them. 3 months the Hospital have had the report to complete. Lucky I didn't need the money or was terminally ill - crikey, imagine if it was really bad and amongst all the problems someone had to keep chasing up this to make ends meet. Dreadful.
Anyway, I'm sitting here slightly shocked and a little saddened by the turn of events. I'll go and have some lunch and pick myself up this afternoon.
You Soon Forget
I was reading the story of someone who has just had their TURBT and as I read and recognised their experiences I thought how amazing it was that you just "get over" these things. Some are pretty horrible and uncomfortable and at the time make you feel wretched and yet, how soon afterwards all of that is forgotten. I think the only thing I can still feel is an ache on my hand occasionally where the cannula was. Other than that, the human body and brain soon recover from these traumas.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Terminator II - Judgement Day
Tomorrow that is....
I should be told tomorrow that I am redundant. No "I'll be back" although, I suppose that is always possible; it has been a rather stormy courtship.
Next to get my dark glasses and leather gear on - "Hasta la vista, baby!" - I'd make a great Arnie - maybe not then...
I should be told tomorrow that I am redundant. No "I'll be back" although, I suppose that is always possible; it has been a rather stormy courtship.
Next to get my dark glasses and leather gear on - "Hasta la vista, baby!" - I'd make a great Arnie - maybe not then...
Panic Over I Think
That was a worrying 48 hours. I really hadn't expected the level of fear I felt that somehow the tumour was back or some such thing. I reckon it is a bit irrational anyway as these things don't grow that fast and I doubt they would have survived much given the treatment before Christmas.
I'll still keep checking and I can calm down a bit now. It really was quite alarming.
I'll still keep checking and I can calm down a bit now. It really was quite alarming.
Monday, January 15, 2007
So far so good
No sign of blood at all today thank goodness. I will still be keeping an eye on things though - you can't be too careful with this.
Fright Night
Last thing at night. Was that blood in my urine? I wasn't sure, I had flushed the toilet.
There is nothing quite as terrifying as then having to wait until the next time you go to check. It may well have been but thank goodness this morning there is nothing.
The brain just runs wild - "what if I have to start treatment all over again?" "another operation?" "treatment has failed" etc. It is far more frightening than I would ever have thought.
I'll obviously be keeping an anxious eye open for any signs in case I wasn't mistaken. Anyway, all seems to be settled this morning and I am back to a normal yet slightly heightened state this morning too :-)
There is nothing quite as terrifying as then having to wait until the next time you go to check. It may well have been but thank goodness this morning there is nothing.
The brain just runs wild - "what if I have to start treatment all over again?" "another operation?" "treatment has failed" etc. It is far more frightening than I would ever have thought.
I'll obviously be keeping an anxious eye open for any signs in case I wasn't mistaken. Anyway, all seems to be settled this morning and I am back to a normal yet slightly heightened state this morning too :-)
Disappointed
With myself sometimes. I need to snap out of my current lethargy and move a number of things on. The trouble is that there are so many things to do and I am an easy touch when it comes to helping people out that I leave my own tasks behind and work on someone elses to my detriment.
I thought that I had changed a bit more than this and had become a little bit more self centred and selfish. I must try harder to do the things that are important here and to say no more..
I thought that I had changed a bit more than this and had become a little bit more self centred and selfish. I must try harder to do the things that are important here and to say no more..
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Kylie & Me
Kylie has pulled out of her UK dates because she has Flu and I wouldn't be surprised if she wasn't trying to do TOO MUCH. You see, I want to prove, like Kylie, that I'm alright and that I am as fit as I ever was and that "I'm back to normal" and so on. The truth really is that you may feel great but your body will soon catch up and kick you back down if you are not.
It is actually a long road to recovery and we shouldn't forget that. We try to take on too much in an effort to believe that we are back to where we were before it all started. My drive to Yorkshire and back took two days but I estimated that it would. I felt that, no matter how good I felt, I'd probably over estimate how good I really was. I could conceivably have got there and back in a day but 8 or more hours in a car would really be pushing my luck. So taking it easy was a necessity.
The exercises I am doing I am limiting to 5 or 10 minutes a day not a full hour workout. The reasons? You cannot go straight in at full effort - the reason you need the exercise is to build you back up towards your previous weight and fitness levels or even to improve on those. In the short time I have been doing this I can feel the muscle groups beginning to respond and the slight twinge as muscles that haven't done much for months start to get used properly again.
So Kylie and Me - we both need to be a little realistic and to try not to run before we can walk.
It is actually a long road to recovery and we shouldn't forget that. We try to take on too much in an effort to believe that we are back to where we were before it all started. My drive to Yorkshire and back took two days but I estimated that it would. I felt that, no matter how good I felt, I'd probably over estimate how good I really was. I could conceivably have got there and back in a day but 8 or more hours in a car would really be pushing my luck. So taking it easy was a necessity.
The exercises I am doing I am limiting to 5 or 10 minutes a day not a full hour workout. The reasons? You cannot go straight in at full effort - the reason you need the exercise is to build you back up towards your previous weight and fitness levels or even to improve on those. In the short time I have been doing this I can feel the muscle groups beginning to respond and the slight twinge as muscles that haven't done much for months start to get used properly again.
So Kylie and Me - we both need to be a little realistic and to try not to run before we can walk.
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