Alone in the House

And back to my normal quiet self. Bashing on with this week's paperwork and planning out what I am going to be doing next week. Next week looks manic as I'm out every day by the looks of things. Yes 6 days non stop out and about.

So, today I am getting ready for that. I have a speech to do for next Friday - I suppose I ought to start that as well!

Don't lose your sense of humour

Guardian Angel was "on to me" earlier :-)

I need to state publicly that I have not lost my sense of humour nor have I succumbed to the "Dark Side".

It has been one of those weeks - half term, no holiday when I was expecting one, people wanting me to work when all I want is a holiday and so on. The anger of the situation is actually directed nicely at the pages of this blog. It works a treat for me to get it out of my head and onto this electronic paper.

However I have not lost my sense of humour - black as that may be!

Pent up anger and agression

It surprises me and I have no doubt a lot of people that I get really angry with things these days. I no longer care what people (that are not known to me) think about me and I can quickly launch into a broadside if I thing they are wasting my time or just downright rude or some other such excuse.

I think that I am actually a lot more relaxed especially with friends and family but know that I am also full on expressing myself and being "me with cancer" - it is a totally different "me" to this time last year for example.

But this anger thing is strange. I'm feeling quite calm here, sitting in front of my PC and banging out a few lines and yet I'm angry at the same time. I can't tell you what about - I think it is because I've got cancer and I've got to go back in and they are going to stick things in me again and I'm going to have to go through some other unpleasantness. Maybe it is that no one changed except me (I said this a day or so ago). Maybe it is that I've want to do things and "escape" a bit but the moral dilemma is that I still have to go on providing and "being there" and I'd be quite happy to pack my bag, jump in the car and go and walk around the Lakes or go to the West Coast of Scotland or something. Maybe that IS why I'm angry.

It is still strange though, pent up rage, anger, aggression and yet I don't feel like yelling or breaking anything just seething seems to work for me :-) Right this moment, I don't feel any anger at all. It's out now. On the blog and for all to see.

I can easily believe that a lot of people with cancer are angry though. You finally find some sort of truth about yourself and you are so far entrenched that you can't get out and live the life you think that perhaps you now ought to be living.

Thanks to an old friend for this saying "The biggest rut you have to get out of is the rut you're in".

I think if there is going to be a change it will be monumental though.

Impressive - Most Impressive

The London Eye that is. I wasn't certain I'd enjoy it but it really is good and the views on a day like to day are great. We cheated - we knew it was going to be glorious sunshine today and so booked late last night to go. You just turn up, stick your credit card in a machine which prints out your tickets. A spot of lunch and on the the Photography Gallery and then to China Town and the National Portrait Gallery.

It has been a great day out, I could have stayed on for more but everyone else was tired. Bless!

Poxy Uncertainty

I have just realised how much the forthcoming operation is going to mean to me - it is, as I expected, bang in the wrong place for me to start a new job. Redundancy complete 17th April. Hospital 12th March (expected) and then if OK, 2 weeks later 26th March results and (please let it be this) BCG immunotherapy would start following Monday for three weeks. Taking me through to the 16th April! What does that do? It means that until I have seen the results on the 26th I would have no certainty on what days I could start. I really couldn't start until after 17th April contractually and otherwise as the treatment would mean starting a new job and being off on the sick for two days in the first three weeks.

It also means that any idea I had of a holiday in April can also go by the way as well.

Strewth.

It isn't a rehearsal

Someone told me that a few years ago. "Life isn't a rehearsal; you don't get a second go at this!"

Yet try and get someone to change and do something even a little outrageous and tell them "life's too short" or repeat the warning above and it zooms over their heads.

I'm wondering whether to just go and do stuff myself - on my own or with someone else. Trouble is someone is going to get hurt if I do. So do I take my own advice or do I just stay doing the safe stuff from now on?

Anger Management

I could still easily rip that idiot's head off. Damn Snake Oil salesman. I hope he meets someone with cancer soon who explains the facts of life to him.

It's good to have a little rage every now and then.

Snake Oil, Pills and Anti Cancer Drug Salespeople

On a networking platform I've just read this utter b*ll**Ks from some MLM pill salesman about Cancer. Twat - he hasn't got any idea what it is about and what it is like. I want to go online and flame the b**t**d but I'd only threaten the git with physical violence.

These stupid kids who pick up some US idea that Cancer can be cured by taking some extract or other need to be strapped to a table whilst I borrow some of the more interesting surgical equipment I've had used on me and let me experiment putting these in to places where they should be but by an amateur. The bloke is a disgrace.

I will have fun if I meet him at a networking event as I will destroy the little git and reduce him to tears if he has any sort of brain. I'll carry on with my medication and he can carry on shoving pills, berries and snake oil up his arse.

I bet you can't tell that this guy sort of made me see red can you? So if you see any snake oil or pill salesmen (oh and the other ones sell shakes and drinks) just don't wait; smack them straight in the mouth and say that it came from me. What a useless waste of oxygen, time and space these people are. The trouble is the false hope they must give to all the people who buy this stuff. Can you imagine that these people live on the misery and despair of those who are going through the most horrible times of their lives. I feel I've wasted to much Internet ink on them. They should be put down at birth. Failing that they should be made to take their pills and snake oil and become the subject of the clinical trials they spout prove the efficacy of their potions.

Oh yeah - if you peddle this filth don't even think about commenting on my blog it will just get blanked out.

Aha that will be it

I think I figured out this a bit now but only a bit.

I've changed massively, it all happened to me and my brain is computing all the variables and my body is telling me how much it hurts, doesn't hurt, is uncomfortable and so on. I do tell the family some of this. my wife knows more of the times when I've been curled up in a ball but other than that, my condition hasn't changed them particularly. We know that whilst it is nasty and life threatening that now I'm under observation and treatment then things are manageable.

So, what am I driving at? I've only realised that it is only me that sees thing this clearly and sees an urgency to wanting to do things. Everyone else has of course, been supportive and sympathetic but their life HASN'T changed. That is it. They have to carry on as they need to, going to college and school and work. Its me that is struggling with all the permutations and mulling decisions and turning over why I couldn't see why it didn't matter to anyone but me that we didn't go on holiday this week.

I know a hell of a lot about my disease, my diagnosis, the percentages, the possible outcomes and the long term prognosis. I'm not laying down in an oxygen tent or in intensive care or a hospice so I'm alright and if you didn't know that I had Cancer you'd probably think that you'd met someone who was a little more livelier than you'd have expected.

So, I'm on the journey, the family haven't been affected half as much as I think they have. I've convinced those (including myself) that I'm not going to peg out tomorrow and so generally as you can't see the change then it must be that I'm OK.

Note to self - only you are thinking like that not everyone else is tuned in to your wavelength and they have no idea why it is a great idea to get away to a place you've never been to. So life goes on as normal - its just you that is no longer normal :-) Goes back to an earlier post about being selfish in a way. I feel I have changed beyond recognition in the last 6 months but obviously not to the folks around me.

The LAST thing I want

Is these Spam messages talking about Penis enlargement - Frankly I have enough worries about what the Hospital are going to stick up there next. Any larger and the catheter would have to be longer and any longer and well, it just wouldn't be fair :-)

So, can you stop the Penis enlargement e-mails and also the breast enlargement ones to as whatever tablets I have had already seem to have worked :-)

A nice evening out

With the wife and the girls and we went and saw Mary Poppins the stage show version. It was very good. I'd suggest you try and put behind any memories of the film and you are OK, the bloke that plays Dick didn't take lessons from Dick Van Dyke! Where did he get that accent from? One of life's great mysteries.

Anyway, it was really nice to get out. I was almost becoming agoraphobic I think. It takes a bit to get me moving these days but once I am out of the house I generally get into the swing of things and enjoy myself.

That's worrying

Sat down and listened to a James Taylor CD. Now I know something is wrong :-)

At least it isn't that lethal cocktail of Leonard Cohen, a Bottle of Scotch and a loaded revolver!

If anyone hears me humming "You've got a friend" give me a slap - nuff said....

It stops you making plans

I wanted more than anything this week to get away with my family as we had no time away last year (apart from a visit to my parents). I had it all planned, flying off on Sunday and back this Friday to Italy, France, Malta, Canaries, Spain etc. I even offered Brussels and Paris by Eurostar. Of course Valentine's day falling in the middle hoicked the prices up but it is no object when the idea is to go away as a family.

No one could make up their minds and there is college work and course work to be done and so, I'm not going anywhere apart from a London show that we organised yesterday! Not even Spamalot!

There's always a reason not to do something and I'm getting worried now that come Easter, I'll actually be doing one of two things. I'll either be part way through a BCG set of Maintenance Therapy or I'll be on Radio or Chemo prior to some more serious work being done on me.

I'm upset about that but I really can't go and be upset if everyone else thinks and acts as if everything is back to normal. Dilemma isn't it?

Of course, some people now want me to do a shed load of work this week and I don't feel up to that, I want to have some time away - I'm just not going to get it.

Come April I probably wont either and then I may be lucky and get away during the Summer. I should have just gone myself or have found someone to go with.

What is also annoying is that I'm trapped by a garden leave redundancy contract so I can't get on and do something else and I'm also a bit worried if I do start something before the time is up as in 4 weeks I'm going back in to Hospital and I really don't know what is going to happen then. It's all the uncertainty surrounding this. It gives you no easy way to plan out your life, actions, jobs and so on. I'm sure once March is out of the way I can probably get a handle on it again once I know what is to happen to me.

Maybe I ought to just take myself off for a week somewhere and relax. Difficult to know what to do really!

A Friend's Father Dies of Bladder Cancer

I hadn't realised that my Friend's Father/Father-In-Law had died as a result of Bladder Cancer. I knew it was Cancer and I knew it was over 20 years ago it was diagnosed. It had got out and about too so there were issues with that. That is probably the first person that I actually knew/know who has had it and has subsequently had a cause of death from the same.

Mine's contained at the moment - it's called superficial but it is anything but superficial - they are going to change that wording as it is very confusing. A scratch is superficial. Mind you an infected scratch can kill you too I suppose.

Procrastination

I've been dithering about today. I think I shouldn't go and read these forums for bladder cancer first thing in the morning nor last thing at night or every day from now on. Bless them, the people on there are so much worse off than me and although there have been a couple of great stories of cancer free results, most have far more serious conditions, side effects and so on.

I think that perhaps leaving that alone for a while and seeing if that is affecting me may be a useful ploy.

Must be the 4th Night

on the trot that I have been up at this time - what is it? 1 in the morning. I have no idea what is going on - it seems to be a recurrent thing. I'll try and change back to getting to bed earlier. Somehow I just don't feel tired. I stick my MP3 player on and I'll probably be awake still in an hour. Yet at 5 pm I was falling asleep.

I'm going to treat this coming week, as far as I can, as a break - we should have been on holiday - we are going out by the looks of it and off to London for a show. I'd like to have seen Spamalot (of course) however Mary Poppins looks like the one we got. I'd have preferred my idea - by now we would have been nicely settled in to a Hotel somewhere on the Med! No such chance - everyone else has things to do. I might just go and please myself. I threatened going with someone else - no one seemed worried.

I'd better go get some sleep if possible

Go Away Cold

The nose and head type. I sound like a frog at the moment and I'm bunged up and whilst I know I am over the worst of this cold it is really sapping - I tried to do some exercise but because I can't breath properly I had to stop that. I've been trying to sort out some paperwork and just cannot concentrate either. Having too much time on my hands means that I am thinking too much and generating blog entries like the previous two and that is unlike me to be quite so down so far off from an event.

So - I am going to go and drug myself up for the rest of the day and see if I can shake this.

Other than that - I'm still feeling well and appear to be keeping fit and healthy and no recurrences or anything worrying going on.

Heavy Stuff

That last post was a bit heavy wasn't it? It's all about how you see it though - if you think how many people have General Anaesthetic in any one day - I suppose it could be statistically shown to be like flying or some such % per operation taken. However, it still isn't going to make you feel any better being wheeled down to theatre and going through the procedures prior to being put under.

The whole thing is not nice - necessary - but not any one's favourite pastime I suppose. The point is that as these things get closer the mind starts bringing it to the head of the list and the nearer you get to the date the higher the stress and the foreboding becomes. All the pragmatic stuff - you have to have this done - it is for your own good - at least we will know if the treatment has worked - doesn't argue the emotions - you just have to get on and deal with it the best you can. A good result will probably change my view. If it is good I think that it means no more operations under general but two exams per year under local. Slowly I come to realise what this means for the rest of my life...

Will I Wake Up?

I thought just after the last post that the thing that I have always felt, just as they put you under and the thing that probably frightens me the most is that the last thing I may ever see is the theatre staff leaning over me as the general anaesthetic kicks in and I close my eyes.

A morbid thought but I assure you that is generally the thing I am thinking about at that moment. That and all the things that I may have left undone, haven't documented and haven't told people where stuff is and so on.

No matter what anyone may say about things being better these days - this still worries the daylights out of me. Just one more thing to add to my stress levels when I go into Hospital.

Always makes me laugh that they are concerned about my blood pressure being high. Having to be knocked out and having a rigid tube shoved you know where and lumps cut out and something else shoved up there afterwards and goodness knows what else and you expect me to walk in and be calm and not worried or stressed? Perhaps some people are OK with this or it comes with repeated visits (please not too many for me).

4 weeks I guess

It should be 4 weeks from now that I need to go back in and have these biopsies. I'm pretty certain that I won't have the surprise I had last time of having a second operation or even more done than the first.

The little frightening bits have started creeping in already and the dread of Hospitals, needles, being put out and catheterisation are all looming up in the distance. I haven't felt this for a while and it is actually quite disturbing and it starts to play gradually on your mind and will reach a crescendo a day or perhaps a few hours before the event. I haven't had the letter yet but 3 months is around about the 12th March.

The trouble is it affects your ability to concentrate or to be assertive and commit to things. I can feel my conversations tending towards this and so every thing is preceded by after my operation or I'm not sure if I can do that - and the reasons are, I really don't know how I'll feel this time. Last time they assured me I'd be out in a day and need the week off but to take it easy as I'd be back to bleeding and would need to take it easy etc. Doesn't help does it? Last time of course I ended up back on the 3 weeks not doing anything trip.

So there you are, I am obviously beginning to psyche myself up for the Op and 4 weeks isn't a long time. I remember straight after the treatment thinking that 3 months or a quarter of a year was a long time to wait until they found out how successful the treatment had been and here I am staring down the barrel.