I have been sat here at the PC fiddling with some accounts, knocking out some e-mails and generally sorting bits out and reminding people about an event tomorrow and most of the afternoon has disappeared - I was shocked to see what the time is already.
Today, for the first time I haven't felt beholden to my old company and in exactly three weeks my time with them is up. 17th April and that is it. Well almost of course, I might be working back there again. Who knows - who cares?
Time to switch on some mood music and try and work out what on earth I have done to the accounts I am working on.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
What a Great Day
Sun is out and shining bright, it is reasonably warm for March, I have done my exercises, I feel great and my blood pressure is down again.
I now need to match and attach my feelings of well being to getting on with some of the work I have outstanding and then perhaps I can press on and get some of these things completed.
I feel better than I have felt for years - and I do mean years, perhaps 5 or more. I certainly hit a malaise after 9/11 especially as the business sector I was in was severely hit by the slow down. Perhaps it was the cancer gradually building in me? Who knows.
I also hadn't really appreciated quite how sideways bladder cancer had knocked me both physically and mentally until I look back on it. I'm not back on track fully by any means but I am a lot better, stronger mentally, fitter physically and more positive in outlook than even a few weeks ago.
I now need to match and attach my feelings of well being to getting on with some of the work I have outstanding and then perhaps I can press on and get some of these things completed.
I feel better than I have felt for years - and I do mean years, perhaps 5 or more. I certainly hit a malaise after 9/11 especially as the business sector I was in was severely hit by the slow down. Perhaps it was the cancer gradually building in me? Who knows.
I also hadn't really appreciated quite how sideways bladder cancer had knocked me both physically and mentally until I look back on it. I'm not back on track fully by any means but I am a lot better, stronger mentally, fitter physically and more positive in outlook than even a few weeks ago.
Monday, March 26, 2007
My Friend's Stress Levels
Must be going through the roof. He is due in for a new valve replacement in his Heart and he was put off a day or two after me. We were both meant to be going in on the 19th March. He still hadn't heard when he was going in and was phoning today to see if there was a bed for him.
It must be terribly frustrating for him and I feel for him knowing what I am like and mine is a simple operation without joining the "Zipper Club" He has a serious operation and long recovery and thinking on it and worrying about it cannot be doing him very much good at all.
This is what I find distressing and I was talking to someone else who had gotten all the way down to theatre just to be told that the Operation was cancelled. If that had happened to me I'd probably freak out completely, all the build up to the Op and (I think I've described it before in this blog) the actual moment of being wheeled down on the meat wagon.
It is stressful enough having to go in to Hospital (go on show me someone who likes it?) and to have the stress of ringing up each day at noon to see if they are ready for you. What can that be like - how can you live your life, make commitments and so on?
These things should be the exception given the billions and billions of pounds poured into the Health Service and yet it is the norm - as long as the targets and paperwork are met then it is OK to treat people like this. I probably over simplify the case. I have absolutely no doubt that it is Government intrusion that affects the patients and that given the right circumstances we would have value for money rather than meeting politically set targets that change every time they need to show a statistical improvement. I must stop watching Ben Elton tapes - all getting a little bit political there wasn't it? :-)
It must be terribly frustrating for him and I feel for him knowing what I am like and mine is a simple operation without joining the "Zipper Club" He has a serious operation and long recovery and thinking on it and worrying about it cannot be doing him very much good at all.
This is what I find distressing and I was talking to someone else who had gotten all the way down to theatre just to be told that the Operation was cancelled. If that had happened to me I'd probably freak out completely, all the build up to the Op and (I think I've described it before in this blog) the actual moment of being wheeled down on the meat wagon.
It is stressful enough having to go in to Hospital (go on show me someone who likes it?) and to have the stress of ringing up each day at noon to see if they are ready for you. What can that be like - how can you live your life, make commitments and so on?
These things should be the exception given the billions and billions of pounds poured into the Health Service and yet it is the norm - as long as the targets and paperwork are met then it is OK to treat people like this. I probably over simplify the case. I have absolutely no doubt that it is Government intrusion that affects the patients and that given the right circumstances we would have value for money rather than meeting politically set targets that change every time they need to show a statistical improvement. I must stop watching Ben Elton tapes - all getting a little bit political there wasn't it? :-)
A late night thought
I'm again sitting at the PC and sorting out some trivial stuff but nevertheless stuff that has to get done and sorted and I'm involved in all sorts of things. Today - I was chatting about finding someone in Bulgaria for a friend of mine to open up some trading links with, transport for someone else for tomorrow, my daughter's issues with her previous employer, working out some finances and end of year accounts that just wont balance and yet every penny is accounted for in and out :-) I've been sorting some stuff out for the old company and tonight went out to a club where I am also treasurer. I've also managed to review some one's document, edit it, agree the edits and print 50 copies off of that, stuck it in an envelope ready for posting in the morning and I'm still at it!
All these little jobs need to get done and I need to sort them out. Easter is coming and we have the Easter Egg Hunt run by some chums and there was me worrying about tedium last week and not getting away on holiday - I haven't got time to do either really :-)
I perhaps ought to drop some more commitments.
All these little jobs need to get done and I need to sort them out. Easter is coming and we have the Easter Egg Hunt run by some chums and there was me worrying about tedium last week and not getting away on holiday - I haven't got time to do either really :-)
I perhaps ought to drop some more commitments.
Little things please little minds
I am so pleased with myself this afternoon. The fact that my BP is down and that I've lost a few pounds in weight - well you might as well have told me I'd won the lottery or something.
I've had a quick sit down in the garden - the sun is shining - and I am feeling great. It is good to feel good about yourself n'est pas? I'll see if I can carry this forward this week and be really positive.
I've had a quick sit down in the garden - the sun is shining - and I am feeling great. It is good to feel good about yourself n'est pas? I'll see if I can carry this forward this week and be really positive.
I suppose that isn't bad in a week
I have lost about 2 Kgs last week. That's what? About 4Lbs so I am really pleased with that, I was expecting less really.
My taste without salt is gradually coming around as well and that has been a couple of weeks I suppose. I can now tell if something has salt in it - the bread today was especially salty and I've noticed things like gravy which was almost too salty for me.
I've probably more than halved my daily intake of salt and I've got over the hunger pangs from last week's serious drop in calories :-)
I've stopped having any sort of spread on my bread, I've had a very small amount of cheese and I've increased my fruit intake massively.
This week doesn't feel half as bad as last week and I'm not feeling quite as gloomy - I suppose I was a bit depressed because I was dieting and had no comfort foods - I hadn't thought of that.
So, there you go, where there is a will and once you can get over the initial shock to the system - things become bearable. Now I'm quite used to checking the packages on just about everything before I eat it and I've been particularly careful to make sure that I'm getting enough fruit and fibre plus a balance of everything else too. I reckon you can go too far with this sort of thing and miss out something that is good for you.
I am even more pleased that my blood pressure has come down to prehypertension levels. I think that is a combination of things. I am certainly far less stressed about things than I was when they first cancelled my Operation. The disappointment and anger would have raised my pressure but, I'm almost certain that eating the right things and cutting down on salt have really helped. I am hoping that a few more weeks of this sort of lifestyle will get everything down to manageable levels - I may need to speak to the Doc about some stress relief before going into hospital - I have some Valium left from when I had to go and have the cystoscopy under a local - perhaps I just need that or perhaps I can get my buddy to hypnotise me or something.
My taste without salt is gradually coming around as well and that has been a couple of weeks I suppose. I can now tell if something has salt in it - the bread today was especially salty and I've noticed things like gravy which was almost too salty for me.
I've probably more than halved my daily intake of salt and I've got over the hunger pangs from last week's serious drop in calories :-)
I've stopped having any sort of spread on my bread, I've had a very small amount of cheese and I've increased my fruit intake massively.
This week doesn't feel half as bad as last week and I'm not feeling quite as gloomy - I suppose I was a bit depressed because I was dieting and had no comfort foods - I hadn't thought of that.
So, there you go, where there is a will and once you can get over the initial shock to the system - things become bearable. Now I'm quite used to checking the packages on just about everything before I eat it and I've been particularly careful to make sure that I'm getting enough fruit and fibre plus a balance of everything else too. I reckon you can go too far with this sort of thing and miss out something that is good for you.
I am even more pleased that my blood pressure has come down to prehypertension levels. I think that is a combination of things. I am certainly far less stressed about things than I was when they first cancelled my Operation. The disappointment and anger would have raised my pressure but, I'm almost certain that eating the right things and cutting down on salt have really helped. I am hoping that a few more weeks of this sort of lifestyle will get everything down to manageable levels - I may need to speak to the Doc about some stress relief before going into hospital - I have some Valium left from when I had to go and have the cystoscopy under a local - perhaps I just need that or perhaps I can get my buddy to hypnotise me or something.
Exercising Again
Got back to 30 minutes exercising this morning and no sign of the back twinge thank goodness. I can feel my muscles tightening up and I have noticed my waist is getting smaller. I can fit inside a few of my suits now and some of my casual trousers. I still prefer to wear jogging bottoms as they are more comfortable around the house and don't bite in. No dizzy spells or anything similar either.
Additionally I can also tell that my stamina is up I can exercise for 30 minutes without taking a break or gasping for air and I am getting greater distances and bigger calorie burns every few days.
Additionally I can also tell that my stamina is up I can exercise for 30 minutes without taking a break or gasping for air and I am getting greater distances and bigger calorie burns every few days.
The only clock I forgot to put forward
Was the one in my office which is why at almost 1 in the morning I am wondering why I feel this tired when it isn't even midnight.
I can't blame that on my bladder - or can I?
I wonder what else I could possibly get away with by blaming my condition? You could try almost anything I suppose. "Sorry Officer, my bladder made me do it!"
Maybe not then. Talking of Officers -I had the most surreal dream the other day featuring Ricky Gervais who was drinking in the pub I was in and on being mistaken for a policemen lets some long haired yob off of not having his tax disk (the lad mentions it himself). the youth who is possibly the leader of the village idiots then asks what the policeman's secret signs are. Gervais passes him two walnuts and says if he ever gets stopped he is to hold these in his hand bounce them up and down and wink to the officer saying that two nuts are better than one.
That was it, the dream ended there but perhaps it should and you and I can think what would happen to the lad when he next got tugged by the law?
You see with that sort of sense of humour I'm sure they could have got me upside down on the operating table and given my brain a TURBT? This is pretty strange - even for me but it WAS a dream.
I can't blame that on my bladder - or can I?
I wonder what else I could possibly get away with by blaming my condition? You could try almost anything I suppose. "Sorry Officer, my bladder made me do it!"
Maybe not then. Talking of Officers -I had the most surreal dream the other day featuring Ricky Gervais who was drinking in the pub I was in and on being mistaken for a policemen lets some long haired yob off of not having his tax disk (the lad mentions it himself). the youth who is possibly the leader of the village idiots then asks what the policeman's secret signs are. Gervais passes him two walnuts and says if he ever gets stopped he is to hold these in his hand bounce them up and down and wink to the officer saying that two nuts are better than one.
That was it, the dream ended there but perhaps it should and you and I can think what would happen to the lad when he next got tugged by the law?
You see with that sort of sense of humour I'm sure they could have got me upside down on the operating table and given my brain a TURBT? This is pretty strange - even for me but it WAS a dream.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Too Late
I just found an e-mail that I had skipped over - I could have gone to a gig on Saturday night - I had an invite - and there was me sitting here bored stupid.
Note to self - must read your e-mails properly - Doh!
Note to self - must read your e-mails properly - Doh!
Well I'm alright
It would be a turn up for the books if I was now suffering from low blood pressure :-) so says one of my books about dizziness.
Apparently it is possible that as I woke up and got up I managed to give myself a dizzy spell - anyway - I've been fine for the rest of the day.
I'll see what tomorrow brings when I get up. At least the rest has meant my back feels a lot better as well.
I've managed to more than halve the level of salt in my diet and I've knocked out many of the fatty things (you've got to have some of course) and I will see how the diet has gone tomorrow. I feel like I've lost a little around my waist already but I have a long way to go to get back to where I was this time last year I'm afraid. As with all these things you can't just drop and shed pounds in a crash diet it needs to be burnt off gradually and slowly which is what I intend to do.
Apparently it is possible that as I woke up and got up I managed to give myself a dizzy spell - anyway - I've been fine for the rest of the day.
I'll see what tomorrow brings when I get up. At least the rest has meant my back feels a lot better as well.
I've managed to more than halve the level of salt in my diet and I've knocked out many of the fatty things (you've got to have some of course) and I will see how the diet has gone tomorrow. I feel like I've lost a little around my waist already but I have a long way to go to get back to where I was this time last year I'm afraid. As with all these things you can't just drop and shed pounds in a crash diet it needs to be burnt off gradually and slowly which is what I intend to do.
A might have been bored last night
But this morning I couldn't get up as I was really dizzy. The room was going round and around and it wasn't booze.
I spent the rest of the morning lying down and I seem to be fine now. I haven't had one of those for years and years. The whole room was on the spin.
I'm OK now - I skipped exercise as my back is still twinging and I was concerned in case I got dizzy again and fell off the cross trainer.
I am going to take the rest of the day off and just do nothing and see how I am after that
I spent the rest of the morning lying down and I seem to be fine now. I haven't had one of those for years and years. The whole room was on the spin.
I'm OK now - I skipped exercise as my back is still twinging and I was concerned in case I got dizzy again and fell off the cross trainer.
I am going to take the rest of the day off and just do nothing and see how I am after that
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Bored
Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored.
Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored.
Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored.
Too bored to type it out - Ctrl C & Ctrl V for ever!
Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored.
Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored,bored, bored.
Too bored to type it out - Ctrl C & Ctrl V for ever!
Minor Injury
To my back - I obviously didn't warm up sufficiently this morning and I've got a slight pull to my back. I think it will be OK as soon as I felt it start to complain I stopped - I only did 20 minutes this morning.
Everyone out of the house and I'm stuck here trying to get a balance sheet to balance. One of those strange ones everything looks fine but I am a few pounds out. I can't see it for looking - Perhaps I'll take a short break and then review it again.
It is normally something very straight forward.
Everyone out of the house and I'm stuck here trying to get a balance sheet to balance. One of those strange ones everything looks fine but I am a few pounds out. I can't see it for looking - Perhaps I'll take a short break and then review it again.
It is normally something very straight forward.
Friday, March 23, 2007
Collateral Damage
I feel there has got to be some out of all of this. Whether it be those nearest and dearest or perhaps acquaintances. I notice some people have got closer, some more remote and others are neutral so perhaps that's just me.
The problem is of course that I have changed - I think - quite a lot although maybe some wouldn't say that. I do have different values and ideals now.
It is a strange thing to say but perhaps cancer fragments lives - I hope it doesn't destroy them but perhaps you pay for the cure with something else. I have a strong feeling that coming out of this will change my life far more than I could have dreamt.
I'll have to wait and see on that I suppose - it is intuition talking not fact.
The problem is of course that I have changed - I think - quite a lot although maybe some wouldn't say that. I do have different values and ideals now.
It is a strange thing to say but perhaps cancer fragments lives - I hope it doesn't destroy them but perhaps you pay for the cure with something else. I have a strong feeling that coming out of this will change my life far more than I could have dreamt.
I'll have to wait and see on that I suppose - it is intuition talking not fact.
Spitting Feathers
Oh poo,
Now "if only" - actually before I start this - I was talking to someone years ago and (this is relevant bear with me), He reckoned that if his wife hadn't have taken the 3 or 4 minutes longer on this specific night that they would have got into the bingo hall in the queue a little earlier where the person who won the thousands of pound jackpot was because he had worked out where he thought he should be in the queue? I did try telling him that there may have been other reasons along the way why he may have been further back in the queue but there was no consoling him.
So bearing in mind my slight diversion. I got a call today offering me the mother of all contracts. If I could start in a week or so and give it a good crack for 3 months then it would probably grow into something really nice and was such a good fit, if it were a glove - oh hell you know the rest.
So as I know this guy really well and I wouldn't mess up his opportunity, all I could do was point him to a couple of potential candidates and made my excuses as it just wouldn't be possible to commit to it with all this nonsense going on. And if I had of had the operation on Monday I might at least have been given an outline of what was in store and I could have.
I'm a lot more philosophical about it than I thought I'd be - I'm not lividly angry just miffed but resigned that this sort of thing is going to happen. This is why it can be damn difficult having cancer and trying to find a job at the same time. The very last ting you want to do is let down a prospective customer.
Oh well, there will be other opportunities I suppose.
Now "if only" - actually before I start this - I was talking to someone years ago and (this is relevant bear with me), He reckoned that if his wife hadn't have taken the 3 or 4 minutes longer on this specific night that they would have got into the bingo hall in the queue a little earlier where the person who won the thousands of pound jackpot was because he had worked out where he thought he should be in the queue? I did try telling him that there may have been other reasons along the way why he may have been further back in the queue but there was no consoling him.
So bearing in mind my slight diversion. I got a call today offering me the mother of all contracts. If I could start in a week or so and give it a good crack for 3 months then it would probably grow into something really nice and was such a good fit, if it were a glove - oh hell you know the rest.
So as I know this guy really well and I wouldn't mess up his opportunity, all I could do was point him to a couple of potential candidates and made my excuses as it just wouldn't be possible to commit to it with all this nonsense going on. And if I had of had the operation on Monday I might at least have been given an outline of what was in store and I could have.
I'm a lot more philosophical about it than I thought I'd be - I'm not lividly angry just miffed but resigned that this sort of thing is going to happen. This is why it can be damn difficult having cancer and trying to find a job at the same time. The very last ting you want to do is let down a prospective customer.
Oh well, there will be other opportunities I suppose.
Penultimate Payslip
Yes - the penultimate payslip arrived today and that made me think. I'm guessing that I'll be able to squeeze one more of my mobile and telephone bills in with them and that will be that and I'll have to take those on.
All will change again if I end up working for them - I need to let them know, as soon as I do, what is going on with the Hospital. Unfortunately whatever had happened I'd be in some sort of quandary over what is going on. The Hospital would have taken two weeks to do the path tests and then I'd have got the news what to do next. One of those would be straightforward and I'd be able to plan out my life a bit.
Waiting to get the Blood Pressure sorted out is a real pain as it just delays everything and makes the chances of me working in May difficult to plan unless I dictate the timetable and make the Hospital revolve around me rather than vice versa. I'm not confident enough to do that yet as I'm concerned that the short delay I am on now is going to prove detrimental. Someone did say that the cancer is slow and the Doc says not to worry but even so I'd rather be being treated and monitored than have some sort of opportunity for the cancer to come back or to spread.
The e-mails from those leaving and the leaving parties are coming thick and fast now. I don't intend to have any such thing as a leaving party as there is every opportunity that I'll end back up there again looking at the way staff are hemorrhaging from the business without being pushed then they won't have sufficient people left to do the work which is of course what makes the business profitable.
Watch this space. I'm a bit sad that I'll be history three weeks on Tuesday :-(
All will change again if I end up working for them - I need to let them know, as soon as I do, what is going on with the Hospital. Unfortunately whatever had happened I'd be in some sort of quandary over what is going on. The Hospital would have taken two weeks to do the path tests and then I'd have got the news what to do next. One of those would be straightforward and I'd be able to plan out my life a bit.
Waiting to get the Blood Pressure sorted out is a real pain as it just delays everything and makes the chances of me working in May difficult to plan unless I dictate the timetable and make the Hospital revolve around me rather than vice versa. I'm not confident enough to do that yet as I'm concerned that the short delay I am on now is going to prove detrimental. Someone did say that the cancer is slow and the Doc says not to worry but even so I'd rather be being treated and monitored than have some sort of opportunity for the cancer to come back or to spread.
The e-mails from those leaving and the leaving parties are coming thick and fast now. I don't intend to have any such thing as a leaving party as there is every opportunity that I'll end back up there again looking at the way staff are hemorrhaging from the business without being pushed then they won't have sufficient people left to do the work which is of course what makes the business profitable.
Watch this space. I'm a bit sad that I'll be history three weeks on Tuesday :-(
After a Long Battle
I'm not sure what to make of phrases like:
"After a long battle"
"Faced bravely"
"Short and bravely fought battle"
And so on. Sure, these are on epitaphs but it made me wonder if you'd ever get anything other than that. I can't imagine anyone with cancer has any option other than to fight it. It isn't like a cold or flu where you can lie around and just recover. Generally Cancer requires radical things to happen, radical surgery, toxic chemicals shoved into you and things that you really don't want to know about I'm sure.
So I think everyone fights a battle. There are the physical battles - dealing with the pain, the surgery, the chemo or immunotherapy and all that is associated with the actual treatment including the tests and the diagnosis. In these cases people do things to you and you suffer. You battle with the results.
Battling may also mean you taking a stance and doing something for yourself. Otherwise you feel pretty helpless. There's got to be something you can do to improve your chances (yes I know not in all cases) but there are physical ways you can help yourself. Looking after yourself better, proper food - a balanced diet, physical exercise, these sorts of things give you the best opportunity of overcoming the physical problems and to some extent the mental problems too.
The brain I find is the most difficult area to work on as it can help or hinder progress. You do a lot of battling with your brain. It would be great if you could just focus on getting well again and positive thinking and to a point it is generally like that but it also has a negative side too. The dark thoughts and the working out of odds and so on. I think that I've been reasonably lucky in having a positive attitude. I look at what happened as the biggest wake up call possible. I'm also certain that I am probably the only person who doesn't think it is as serious as it is.
Cancer is with you all the time when youve got it - barely a day will go past when I don't think about it, get worried about something or the other. Again the brain plays tricks along the lines of if you recover from this then they'll get you with something else. Hardly rational thought but the sort of stuff you have to deal with. Every ache and pain is some other cancer coming to get you as well - less so now but early on it felt like my number was up and I was going to be "got" one way or another.
So is it a battle? Is it a fight? Of course it is - cancer works on a lot of levels and you can't let it get to you physically or mentally. I'm a firm believer in doing everything I can to support the work of my specialist and the larger team that have spent so much time getting me back to where I am today. Keeping fit, thinking fit and giving yourself the best chance are your part of the deal. No one else can do it for you. Cancer isn't something you get rid of in a few days - the fallout can last years and you are always being tested and checked so you could almost say it lasts long enough to be a war.
I'm not certain I'd like the words used at anytime to do with me. Bravery, battles, fights. When you see the words printed it reminds me of defeat. I mean does nobody win out of this? Doesn't it mean you lost if words are used like this (I don't think it does just being provocative).
I'm not sure whether I've come to a conclusion on this or not. I'd not like to be remembered as battling, fighting, brave or any similar thing. I'd far rather be remembered for something else - although to be honest I haven't got a clue what exactly that would be :-)
Anyway, have a think about those words, perhaps they are printed for the living and not for the person who died?
"After a long battle"
"Faced bravely"
"Short and bravely fought battle"
And so on. Sure, these are on epitaphs but it made me wonder if you'd ever get anything other than that. I can't imagine anyone with cancer has any option other than to fight it. It isn't like a cold or flu where you can lie around and just recover. Generally Cancer requires radical things to happen, radical surgery, toxic chemicals shoved into you and things that you really don't want to know about I'm sure.
So I think everyone fights a battle. There are the physical battles - dealing with the pain, the surgery, the chemo or immunotherapy and all that is associated with the actual treatment including the tests and the diagnosis. In these cases people do things to you and you suffer. You battle with the results.
Battling may also mean you taking a stance and doing something for yourself. Otherwise you feel pretty helpless. There's got to be something you can do to improve your chances (yes I know not in all cases) but there are physical ways you can help yourself. Looking after yourself better, proper food - a balanced diet, physical exercise, these sorts of things give you the best opportunity of overcoming the physical problems and to some extent the mental problems too.
The brain I find is the most difficult area to work on as it can help or hinder progress. You do a lot of battling with your brain. It would be great if you could just focus on getting well again and positive thinking and to a point it is generally like that but it also has a negative side too. The dark thoughts and the working out of odds and so on. I think that I've been reasonably lucky in having a positive attitude. I look at what happened as the biggest wake up call possible. I'm also certain that I am probably the only person who doesn't think it is as serious as it is.
Cancer is with you all the time when youve got it - barely a day will go past when I don't think about it, get worried about something or the other. Again the brain plays tricks along the lines of if you recover from this then they'll get you with something else. Hardly rational thought but the sort of stuff you have to deal with. Every ache and pain is some other cancer coming to get you as well - less so now but early on it felt like my number was up and I was going to be "got" one way or another.
So is it a battle? Is it a fight? Of course it is - cancer works on a lot of levels and you can't let it get to you physically or mentally. I'm a firm believer in doing everything I can to support the work of my specialist and the larger team that have spent so much time getting me back to where I am today. Keeping fit, thinking fit and giving yourself the best chance are your part of the deal. No one else can do it for you. Cancer isn't something you get rid of in a few days - the fallout can last years and you are always being tested and checked so you could almost say it lasts long enough to be a war.
I'm not certain I'd like the words used at anytime to do with me. Bravery, battles, fights. When you see the words printed it reminds me of defeat. I mean does nobody win out of this? Doesn't it mean you lost if words are used like this (I don't think it does just being provocative).
I'm not sure whether I've come to a conclusion on this or not. I'd not like to be remembered as battling, fighting, brave or any similar thing. I'd far rather be remembered for something else - although to be honest I haven't got a clue what exactly that would be :-)
Anyway, have a think about those words, perhaps they are printed for the living and not for the person who died?
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Managed to get through the drudgery
It was a long old day doing mundane things, filling in a large spreadsheet and totalling figures, finishing off a reorganisation of my office and generally tidying up those odds and ends that get left. The odd signature, the renewal of a subscription and all those sorts of things. I might just clear all of that in the next few days if I can just keep my discipline and work through it. I am too easily distracted these days.
Confirmed Date for 24 hour blood pressure monitoring
I don't know if I said this earlier but now the date is the 30th March - tomorrow week to get wired up for 24 hours and get constant monitoring of my blood pressure. At least that is better than the 19th April some 4 weeks away!
I hope that somewhere along the line they can get this sorted out and make a decision one way or the other about it. I really don't fancy taking these pills to reduce my blood pressure and certainly anything to do with kidneys and that really (I imagine) should be avoided considering what your kidneys are connected to.
It will be interesting to see what the results are.
I hope that somewhere along the line they can get this sorted out and make a decision one way or the other about it. I really don't fancy taking these pills to reduce my blood pressure and certainly anything to do with kidneys and that really (I imagine) should be avoided considering what your kidneys are connected to.
It will be interesting to see what the results are.
Rabbit Food
Yes - salad for lunch - I am being very good - I've not touched a bit of cheese or processed meat this week and the bread has been the stuff made with 1/2 the quantity of salt and using lo-salt as well. The biggest difficulty is getting from 5 fruit and veg a day to 9 although the salad itself meant that I was able to do 5 of the 9 already. You can't have double portions of one and call it two portions of your 9 each has to be different.
I've started not to notice the lack of salt and the food tastes OK without it now. I was expecting it to take many weeks but it appears to be - what - 5 or 6 days? I am hoping that I will get some good results from all this exercise and eating properly. Whilst I can't see a huge change in waistline yet (and really it should be gradual not sudden) I am feeling a lot fitter and I do feel remarkably well. I could get into my suit yesterday which was a big bonus so I must have lost a fair bit already but I haven't been measuring until this week.
I've started not to notice the lack of salt and the food tastes OK without it now. I was expecting it to take many weeks but it appears to be - what - 5 or 6 days? I am hoping that I will get some good results from all this exercise and eating properly. Whilst I can't see a huge change in waistline yet (and really it should be gradual not sudden) I am feeling a lot fitter and I do feel remarkably well. I could get into my suit yesterday which was a big bonus so I must have lost a fair bit already but I haven't been measuring until this week.
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