I'm just getting ready to go to see the consultant. One of the last appointments of the day and so I could end up waiting for ages or be seen in moments - who knows - another outing for the MP3 player (not that my MP3 player is challenged in that way you understand).
I'm ever so slightly on edge even now. I know they aren't going to do anything, just tell me where we are and what is left to do and plan out the follow up treatment. Yet I'm quite nervous about what they will say and how they will say it. Strange - I suppose it is just the uncertainty and realising that I shouldn't second guess what they will do next.
I see this as a moment where I can get a grip on my life again and set off tomorrow with a clear understanding of how I am, what I can and cannot do and what I need to do to keep me well. After that I can get to planning and tackling this backlog of work.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Improved Chances
The BBC are doing a story today about survival and cancer. In fact it is their theme all this week.
The Web article is HERE
There are no league tables here but you can imagine that developing some cancers are better than getting others. You may think bladder cancer is a bit eye watering with what they have to do to get in and out but, the treatments available are well proven and the prognosis is generally pretty good. Certainly the 5 year figures are good. Of course, the other problems that mess up the figures are when was the cancer diagnosed and at what stage was it.
Anyway, it was an interesting article and bit on the TV today.
The Web article is HERE
There are no league tables here but you can imagine that developing some cancers are better than getting others. You may think bladder cancer is a bit eye watering with what they have to do to get in and out but, the treatments available are well proven and the prognosis is generally pretty good. Certainly the 5 year figures are good. Of course, the other problems that mess up the figures are when was the cancer diagnosed and at what stage was it.
Anyway, it was an interesting article and bit on the TV today.
Had a seriously bad moment back there
You get some bad times and sometimes when you don't expect it.
I was just sitting here thinking and suddenly I had a flash back of the three operations the original procedure under local and the dreaded IVU and got quite upset - I feel quite upset now writing this as well. It was all the grizzly bits and the re-living of the stress going into theatre and so on.
Shudder!
It passed pretty soon but perhaps that was my brain drawing a line under that lot and getting ready to move on - I sure hope I don't have to have any more of those.
Strewth, 3 operations, one local procedure and an IVU X-Ray thingy all in the space of 10 months. Now that I put it like that no wonder I'm feeling a bit emotional.
I was just sitting here thinking and suddenly I had a flash back of the three operations the original procedure under local and the dreaded IVU and got quite upset - I feel quite upset now writing this as well. It was all the grizzly bits and the re-living of the stress going into theatre and so on.
Shudder!
It passed pretty soon but perhaps that was my brain drawing a line under that lot and getting ready to move on - I sure hope I don't have to have any more of those.
Strewth, 3 operations, one local procedure and an IVU X-Ray thingy all in the space of 10 months. Now that I put it like that no wonder I'm feeling a bit emotional.
Like waiting for your exam results
It is quite important isn't it? A friend had to wait an extra week to find out that he didn't have something really nasty - imagine that sort of wait. I remember waiting to be seen the first time and hoping that everything would go away so that I didn't need to be seen.
Those were frightening days - 10 months ago now. Of course then I knew that I was seriously ill, thought that it was something like kidney cancer perhaps bladder cancer and we wished it was something a little less. Waiting 2 weeks to get seen whilst showing major symptoms was pretty bad. Some of the other waiting was as bad as that. The appointment after the first operation was a major worry as we needed to see how invasive the cancer was. It was early invasive and they did the second operation to check that out.
Waiting for those results was more worrying but the meeting wasn't what we thought it would be - things were a lot better and it was CIS. So much better that they had to go and re-check their results! The return meeting was a bit worrying as well as casting doubt on the good results worried us but of course the consultant was doing her job "belt and braces". CIS is pretty dangerous but in my mind not as dangerous as the invasive (I have been known to be wrong)
This time, we know that the outlook is good, I was told that and also that the smallest scrapes was done - if they do anything larger you get catheterised. So I'm going today hoping to get some good news. Something this time that is proactive rather than reactive. All will become clear later today.
Those were frightening days - 10 months ago now. Of course then I knew that I was seriously ill, thought that it was something like kidney cancer perhaps bladder cancer and we wished it was something a little less. Waiting 2 weeks to get seen whilst showing major symptoms was pretty bad. Some of the other waiting was as bad as that. The appointment after the first operation was a major worry as we needed to see how invasive the cancer was. It was early invasive and they did the second operation to check that out.
Waiting for those results was more worrying but the meeting wasn't what we thought it would be - things were a lot better and it was CIS. So much better that they had to go and re-check their results! The return meeting was a bit worrying as well as casting doubt on the good results worried us but of course the consultant was doing her job "belt and braces". CIS is pretty dangerous but in my mind not as dangerous as the invasive (I have been known to be wrong)
This time, we know that the outlook is good, I was told that and also that the smallest scrapes was done - if they do anything larger you get catheterised. So I'm going today hoping to get some good news. Something this time that is proactive rather than reactive. All will become clear later today.
Monday, May 14, 2007
One Year Ago Tomorrow
Was another defining day.
It was the day I went up to London and was interviewed for the job I had last year. How strange are these coincidences or perhaps we just see patterns in such things (or I do - sad old g*t) :-)
Anyway, a whole year ago and I remember being so excited about the possibilities and the challenge of the job. It would be the 23rd of May that I actually started and I remember going up to Yorkshire and spending a week there coming home through the Friday night bank holiday traffic wasn't the greatest of fun but, even so, they were exciting days!
I haven't given it a thought about whether or not things would have turned out different if I hadn't have been ill. I actually think that there may have been some interesting personality clashes at some point in time but hey ho - let it go.
It was the day I went up to London and was interviewed for the job I had last year. How strange are these coincidences or perhaps we just see patterns in such things (or I do - sad old g*t) :-)
Anyway, a whole year ago and I remember being so excited about the possibilities and the challenge of the job. It would be the 23rd of May that I actually started and I remember going up to Yorkshire and spending a week there coming home through the Friday night bank holiday traffic wasn't the greatest of fun but, even so, they were exciting days!
I haven't given it a thought about whether or not things would have turned out different if I hadn't have been ill. I actually think that there may have been some interesting personality clashes at some point in time but hey ho - let it go.
Tomorrow - a Defining Day
In all ways really. The main event will be getting to see the consultant and getting the news about what the next steps are going to be. The next is this job offer (of sorts) on the table. I've got all the paperwork and it all looks too good.
I can only fault a few pieces of what I have received so far. I'm relatively cautious on this sort of thing and so I am giving it a lot of thought. There appears to be a lot of data and details to take in and so far, I'm pretty taken with the ideas and the potential. Can't say more - sorry.
So by this time tomorrow I should have an answer about my future health and well-being. A bit later I imagine I'll be testing the ideas for the job with some colleagues as we are out for the evening.
Perhaps by the end of this week I can have lined myself up with something useful to occupy my time? I'll know when I'm due in and out of hosiptal and I'll have a fair idea how much time I can devote to work and also and almost more importantly I can get some holiday planned.
I can only fault a few pieces of what I have received so far. I'm relatively cautious on this sort of thing and so I am giving it a lot of thought. There appears to be a lot of data and details to take in and so far, I'm pretty taken with the ideas and the potential. Can't say more - sorry.
So by this time tomorrow I should have an answer about my future health and well-being. A bit later I imagine I'll be testing the ideas for the job with some colleagues as we are out for the evening.
Perhaps by the end of this week I can have lined myself up with something useful to occupy my time? I'll know when I'm due in and out of hosiptal and I'll have a fair idea how much time I can devote to work and also and almost more importantly I can get some holiday planned.
Blimey look at the size of that!
Sword that is.....
As promised a week or so ago. That chap in the middle holding the sword is me. This is the inside of Freemasons' Hall in London at our annual meeting. I was desperate to be fit and well to do this. I was meant to do this twice in my year in office but was in Hospital last September and had to miss it but, luckily it meant my deputy was able to fill in for me. We met on the day and he was pleased that he had the opportunity but not happy it was at my expense but, what it meant was that we both got a turn to do this during our year which was fair.
Anyway, a very happy day for me and at one time, one I thought I'd never manage especially when they started moving my March operation back in time!
As promised a week or so ago. That chap in the middle holding the sword is me. This is the inside of Freemasons' Hall in London at our annual meeting. I was desperate to be fit and well to do this. I was meant to do this twice in my year in office but was in Hospital last September and had to miss it but, luckily it meant my deputy was able to fill in for me. We met on the day and he was pleased that he had the opportunity but not happy it was at my expense but, what it meant was that we both got a turn to do this during our year which was fair.
Anyway, a very happy day for me and at one time, one I thought I'd never manage especially when they started moving my March operation back in time!
That's encouraging
I lost another kilo (2.2 Lbs) last week!!! I am pleased as punch about that. I thought I felt a little better and lighter.
The week before it sort of stood still - well the scales were flashing up and down half a kilo so I took the middle and reckoned I'd stayed the same.
Weighing myself this morning I was expecting a similar story or perhaps to have added a bit more but obviously the exercise and remainder of the week's diet has seen me OK. It is amazing considering the two 3/4 course meals I had during the week.
So I have lost so far 9 kilos - that is almost 20 Lbs. The strangest things is that only those people who haven't seen me for 6 or 8 weeks or more would notice! But, anyway, really pleased with that and although it is a bit more than the Doc wants me to lose at least I am not feeling hungry or unwell through doing this.
I do notice the loss on things like fitting into my clothes, exercising - I can really push on with that now and I am on the more advanced programmes and do 30 minutes at a stretch not 3 x 10 minute sessions. I also go further on the machine now - close to 5 miles and burn off more calories of course.
Good - that is the way to start off a week - positive thinking.
The week before it sort of stood still - well the scales were flashing up and down half a kilo so I took the middle and reckoned I'd stayed the same.
Weighing myself this morning I was expecting a similar story or perhaps to have added a bit more but obviously the exercise and remainder of the week's diet has seen me OK. It is amazing considering the two 3/4 course meals I had during the week.
So I have lost so far 9 kilos - that is almost 20 Lbs. The strangest things is that only those people who haven't seen me for 6 or 8 weeks or more would notice! But, anyway, really pleased with that and although it is a bit more than the Doc wants me to lose at least I am not feeling hungry or unwell through doing this.
I do notice the loss on things like fitting into my clothes, exercising - I can really push on with that now and I am on the more advanced programmes and do 30 minutes at a stretch not 3 x 10 minute sessions. I also go further on the machine now - close to 5 miles and burn off more calories of course.
Good - that is the way to start off a week - positive thinking.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Returning to the subject of this blog
I guess that the pressure is off somewhat and that I'm taking a breather from medical problems for a while.
With the issuing of my 50th Birthday invitations this weekend I am looking forward to the birthday I thought that at one time I wouldn't have.
I'm looking forward to seeing the consultant on Tuesday and getting the definitive answer on what will happen next. Whether it is 6 or 3 BCGs and whether it is 3 or 6 months follow up regime.
It is going to be a case of - at least I'll know. Curiously enough that is one of the things that makes things worse - not knowing. If you know you can deal with it. You may not like it, it certainly hasn't been the words you'd want to hear but at least you know and at least you can plan your next moves.
So much hinges on this - like getting that holiday, like a job or getting something approaching a job, knowing when I can realistically start working at that job and stuff like that.
I know I'm doing bits now, have irons in the fire etc but you can tell when you talk to me that there is uncertainty in my voice and I hesitate to commit. My concern would be that I'll let the person down. After Tuesday, I hope to be able to get rid of that problem.
What else? I suppose I then need to get back to working on my fitness and losing weight more effectively. I'll probably lose a bit through the treatment this time. I need to be careful about the timings and any exercises I do. I'll cross those bridges when I come to them.
With the issuing of my 50th Birthday invitations this weekend I am looking forward to the birthday I thought that at one time I wouldn't have.
I'm looking forward to seeing the consultant on Tuesday and getting the definitive answer on what will happen next. Whether it is 6 or 3 BCGs and whether it is 3 or 6 months follow up regime.
It is going to be a case of - at least I'll know. Curiously enough that is one of the things that makes things worse - not knowing. If you know you can deal with it. You may not like it, it certainly hasn't been the words you'd want to hear but at least you know and at least you can plan your next moves.
So much hinges on this - like getting that holiday, like a job or getting something approaching a job, knowing when I can realistically start working at that job and stuff like that.
I know I'm doing bits now, have irons in the fire etc but you can tell when you talk to me that there is uncertainty in my voice and I hesitate to commit. My concern would be that I'll let the person down. After Tuesday, I hope to be able to get rid of that problem.
What else? I suppose I then need to get back to working on my fitness and losing weight more effectively. I'll probably lose a bit through the treatment this time. I need to be careful about the timings and any exercises I do. I'll cross those bridges when I come to them.
Seems Like Therapy or perhaps hard labour
Doing the envelopes, folding and stapling address books, treasurer's slips, letters etc and making sure the right ones went in the right envelopes.
Anyway - it is mostly complete and the remainder are coming from the printers tomorrow so I will have my hands full with that.
Anyway - it is mostly complete and the remainder are coming from the printers tomorrow so I will have my hands full with that.
Getting going
This morning - I have been printing off hundreds of labels, letters and getting ready to assemble the notices for my Lodge that all need to be posted tomorrow. It is quite a logistical feat as I have to get stuff back from the printers and to make it all come together and all the right slips of paper (all personalised) need to go in the right envelopes.
So it looks like a day full of folding, stapling, checking and envelope stuffing for me. At least the Spanish GP is on later and I can watch that. It has been 4 weeks since the last one and I kind of miss it not being around. Monaco in a few weeks time. I was going to go this year but I need to be around on the Friday evening so it would be a bit difficult. I must try harder for next year.
So it looks like a day full of folding, stapling, checking and envelope stuffing for me. At least the Spanish GP is on later and I can watch that. It has been 4 weeks since the last one and I kind of miss it not being around. Monaco in a few weeks time. I was going to go this year but I need to be around on the Friday evening so it would be a bit difficult. I must try harder for next year.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Much merriment going on in one of the girl's rooms
They are watching the Eurovision song contest - so bad it is good if you follow me.
I really don't have the time or the patience for it these days and once you've seen how it has nothing to do with talent and all about political voting you really can't watch it again - or maybe YOU can?
So, I've actually been working today reading and researching this potential new job. It sounds too good to be true and that is ringing the alarm bells with me. So far I have found nothing untoward and all looks to be OK.
Being a sceptic I do tend to go for the hard facts and not quite but as near possible cast iron assurances.
So far it looks good and the next steps are in place to take it on further. It would mean 3 months working without any salary to start with but after that then things get interesting.
The fly in the ointment is that I really do need a break - a holiday that is and if I were to take this job I wouldn't get one I don't think.
I really don't have the time or the patience for it these days and once you've seen how it has nothing to do with talent and all about political voting you really can't watch it again - or maybe YOU can?
So, I've actually been working today reading and researching this potential new job. It sounds too good to be true and that is ringing the alarm bells with me. So far I have found nothing untoward and all looks to be OK.
Being a sceptic I do tend to go for the hard facts and not quite but as near possible cast iron assurances.
So far it looks good and the next steps are in place to take it on further. It would mean 3 months working without any salary to start with but after that then things get interesting.
The fly in the ointment is that I really do need a break - a holiday that is and if I were to take this job I wouldn't get one I don't think.
Bang
2 am - huge crack of thunder and a cloud burst and that was sleep gone for a good hour or so, the road outside was like a river and the noise of the rain was tremendous. Two of us woke up and the rest of the house slept through it.
It is a beautiful morning out there and I was about to start exercises when my nephew turned up and so I haven't done that this morning so perhaps I will do that this evening as the damn Eurovision Song Contest is on.
With a bit of luck I can get on and get this backlog of small jobs off of my desk today.
Wish me luck as I'll need it
It is a beautiful morning out there and I was about to start exercises when my nephew turned up and so I haven't done that this morning so perhaps I will do that this evening as the damn Eurovision Song Contest is on.
With a bit of luck I can get on and get this backlog of small jobs off of my desk today.
Wish me luck as I'll need it
Friday, May 11, 2007
An Early Night
I haven't had one of those this week so I am just going to take my blood pressure and then turn in - I have a stack of things to do but they can now wait until the morning when I can get some sense and order into my life - I hope.
I am going to wish myself well for that as I doubt that it will actually go to plan :-)
I am going to wish myself well for that as I doubt that it will actually go to plan :-)
The phone hasn't stopped ringing
Well it has or I wouldn't be able to write this. It has been chaos this morning. However, all good chaos if you know what I mean? All positives and some very interesting stuff coming up.
The main thing is that I may well have this job I was after. That will be great. It will mean a lot of work of course and a fair amount of travelling about too but it could be just the ticket as it means I can work and be based from home too. More I am sure later.
All sorts of other things are rearing their head and I am trying (still) to find enough time to cover off everything.
Not long to wait now before I get the outcome from the consultant and know with some clarity what the future holds. Today for the first time in a long time I actually feel like I can look forward to something and pick up and run with it. Perhaps, de corporate speaking it. I now have something that can pick up and hold my interest a challenge that I can use to move out of where I am now and something I think I will enjoy.
The main thing is that I may well have this job I was after. That will be great. It will mean a lot of work of course and a fair amount of travelling about too but it could be just the ticket as it means I can work and be based from home too. More I am sure later.
All sorts of other things are rearing their head and I am trying (still) to find enough time to cover off everything.
Not long to wait now before I get the outcome from the consultant and know with some clarity what the future holds. Today for the first time in a long time I actually feel like I can look forward to something and pick up and run with it. Perhaps, de corporate speaking it. I now have something that can pick up and hold my interest a challenge that I can use to move out of where I am now and something I think I will enjoy.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
A great evening
Again, a fantastic evening. I think that I now really appreciate a good night out whereas perhaps last year it would have been something I just did. Now it is something to savour. Like yesterday, a superb meeting and a lovely meal afterwards. I was a bit disappointed as the letter of invitation promised Orange Mouse and when I got there it was Orange Mousse - I was so so upset :-)
Anyway, so good to get out and about but it plays absolute havoc with my diet.
Anyway, so good to get out and about but it plays absolute havoc with my diet.
OK Today or it seems to be
Thank goodness all appears to be OK today. No blood bits.
I again left off exercising this morning so as not to antagonise things any further.
I hope that the remainder of the day goes as well and I can not have the minor anxiety every time I go to the loo.
I again left off exercising this morning so as not to antagonise things any further.
I hope that the remainder of the day goes as well and I can not have the minor anxiety every time I go to the loo.
Thursday
Well last night was special and I am out again today. It involves a further meal and the requisite amount of alcohol for toasts etc :-)
I had a bit of a shock today as I measured my waist - I normally go by my trouser size but the tape measure must have lied as it was 4" more than my trouser size. I've got a new chart to plot body measurements and weights and it is a more accurate measurement of progress and you can the calculate BMI (Body Mass Index) and also overall fat in the body. I'm not intending to frighten myself stupid but perhaps this will enable me to focus in on key areas to work on.
It is surprising how quickly you can lose weight but to keep it off you must do it gradually. Combining weight loss with exercise and a different lifestyle are also contributing. With the new chart I'll be able to monitor more accurately what I am doing to myself and how effective it has been.
I'm fully expecting that this week will be more or less static and next week I should be able to get back onto gradually losing more weight. Also, I have just eased off with the few little blood clots/scabs appearing and it is better to take things easy than do any damage.
I had a bit of a shock today as I measured my waist - I normally go by my trouser size but the tape measure must have lied as it was 4" more than my trouser size. I've got a new chart to plot body measurements and weights and it is a more accurate measurement of progress and you can the calculate BMI (Body Mass Index) and also overall fat in the body. I'm not intending to frighten myself stupid but perhaps this will enable me to focus in on key areas to work on.
It is surprising how quickly you can lose weight but to keep it off you must do it gradually. Combining weight loss with exercise and a different lifestyle are also contributing. With the new chart I'll be able to monitor more accurately what I am doing to myself and how effective it has been.
I'm fully expecting that this week will be more or less static and next week I should be able to get back onto gradually losing more weight. Also, I have just eased off with the few little blood clots/scabs appearing and it is better to take things easy than do any damage.
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Hypnotism - Mumbo Jumbo?
We were discussing earlier on this evening about the "healthy Scepticism" that we had about hypnotherapy.
Now I think that the stage shows have misled people along with the swinging pendulum nonsense as well. It isn't acting like a fool nor is it something where you are in some one's power - in fact you are in control. The participants on the stage shows "want" to be controlled and are eager participants.
I am a BIG sceptic as anyone would tell you and as this blog probably testifies. However, I do now hold with the fact that hypnotherapy has actually been really useful in making me face up to the challenges I have to face and to keep a positive attitude to them.
Quite how this works is difficult to say but I have always been terrified of even going for an appointment let alone being ill and having to have something done to me. So to take me from close to terrified to close to accepting that I have to be seen can only be a good thing. It isn't "all the way" and I doubt you could convince me to walk in and get my arm chopped off or something but, to get me in and relatively calm has got to be a good step.
So it worked for me - a real sceptic and I wouldn't recommend it unless I felt that it would actually give you an opportunity to breathe easily, rest a bit and to accept your lot and move forward.
Now I think that the stage shows have misled people along with the swinging pendulum nonsense as well. It isn't acting like a fool nor is it something where you are in some one's power - in fact you are in control. The participants on the stage shows "want" to be controlled and are eager participants.
I am a BIG sceptic as anyone would tell you and as this blog probably testifies. However, I do now hold with the fact that hypnotherapy has actually been really useful in making me face up to the challenges I have to face and to keep a positive attitude to them.
Quite how this works is difficult to say but I have always been terrified of even going for an appointment let alone being ill and having to have something done to me. So to take me from close to terrified to close to accepting that I have to be seen can only be a good thing. It isn't "all the way" and I doubt you could convince me to walk in and get my arm chopped off or something but, to get me in and relatively calm has got to be a good step.
So it worked for me - a real sceptic and I wouldn't recommend it unless I felt that it would actually give you an opportunity to breathe easily, rest a bit and to accept your lot and move forward.
What A Great Day Out
I have just been treated to the most fabulous afternoon and evening out and I'm still buzzing from the experience.
To go into one of London's Livery Halls is something special on its own. To go into Plaisterers' Hall is something else. It is the most amazing building see www.plaisterershall.com and we dined in the hall with the three large Chandeliers. It was pretty special I have to say and I am so pleased that my friend invited me.
Getting a Taxi in London when it is threatening to spit with rain was another matter but we eventually succeeded and got a cab and then a train home. Luckily my local was open on the way back so I slipped in for a crafty beer on the way home.
So a great day and I'm afraid that the only thing to marr it was that I was again passing a small amount of blood when I got home. OK, it is very small but even so, it sort of worries you even if you do know what it is.
I am still so surprised at how injured I am when I don't really feel it.
Anyway, CD, you know who you are! Thanks for a wonderful day out - I cannot even begin to tell you how much it means to be even able to go out like this and thanks for inviting me.
WOW!
To go into one of London's Livery Halls is something special on its own. To go into Plaisterers' Hall is something else. It is the most amazing building see www.plaisterershall.com and we dined in the hall with the three large Chandeliers. It was pretty special I have to say and I am so pleased that my friend invited me.
Getting a Taxi in London when it is threatening to spit with rain was another matter but we eventually succeeded and got a cab and then a train home. Luckily my local was open on the way back so I slipped in for a crafty beer on the way home.
So a great day and I'm afraid that the only thing to marr it was that I was again passing a small amount of blood when I got home. OK, it is very small but even so, it sort of worries you even if you do know what it is.
I am still so surprised at how injured I am when I don't really feel it.
Anyway, CD, you know who you are! Thanks for a wonderful day out - I cannot even begin to tell you how much it means to be even able to go out like this and thanks for inviting me.
WOW!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)