Blogging Pays Dividends

In just over 2 years the blog, which carries a small set of advertising banners has paid dividends and $100 was popped into my bank this morning. That's about a $1 a week :-) That's about 60 GBP.

I am going to give that to charity and felt that the charity that I work for which, unfortunately looks as if we are going to be helping 100s more children in these uncertain times, will get this first tranche. There is another $30 building up (they pay in $100 tranches) which will also go to charity.

Thanks to everyone who has read the blog and clicked out to raise the revenue.

Phew

Long day and a wet walk home - I dropped a note over asking if it was raining - no was the answer. Half way home down it came so looking somewhat similar to a drowned rat at the moment!

Anyway, I had a lovely day out with some old and some new friends. A really old lodge formed in 1757 and a lovely time was had by all. I even won the raffle - again. That is every meeting in the last week I have won something or other!

I try not to read too much into that. I have tomorrow off, thank goodness - I might even get to see the rest of the family as they have been scattered to the four winds.

All life's problems

Are really quite trivial in a way. I mean I was listening to someone putting the worlds to right and telling me how important he was and yet, why was he telling me? I live, alongside 6 to 8 million other people in and around the metropolis and there are another 50 Million of us dotted around the country and so what!?

There are lots of things in this world that you have absolutely no control of whatsoever. No one owes you anything and frankly no one really cares that much when all is said and done. Friends and family are different. I just mean the bloke in the street. The chap that opens his news paper and turns the pages with such velocity that he breaks the sound barrier each time, the arse with a phone that you obviously have to SHOUT into to make it work, the people who push in front or stand in front of you when you've been waiting, the people who haven't worked out what a handkerchief does and sniff and make gurgling noises on the way up to work each day. The guy with 5 elbows or the gawky kid who uses the wrong words to describe every day feelings. These people all live on my planet and I have to interact with them and yet, they don't matter either do they?

Suddenly life isn't about trivial stuff. I'm not saying I know what it is about but I was thinking back to this time last year and the way we were going to bring this fantastic idea to market and it was going to affect 20% of the world's market and then I realised that these people didn't have the intellect to comprehend the scale of what they were saying. Like the Bank of England estimating that the world was £1.5 Trillion Pounds down the drain basically. How many noughts is that? Does it mater a jot? Can YOU do anything about it?

So where is all of this going? I'm not sure - I certainly don't have the answer but I have really struggled with people these past few years. I've had to keep going - it hasn't always been possible to have "service as normal" but I'm relatively happy that I've tried to work normally in between and yet some people whinge about almost anything.

I knew I'd come out of this changed but tolerance (which is actually quite good considering) is not top of the skill set and you may wonder why I never took Diplomacy as a higher education subject! It would be nice, would it not, to find that there was more tolerance, more courtesy and more thinking about other people. I've been brought up like that, I try and be courteous all the time but this new generation of Londoners are certainly trying my patience. I had three people who were determined to keep chatting and occupying all the pavement which would have forced me into the road. Stopping dead in the middle of the pavement and then having to body check one of them was the only option. How difficult would it be for them to work out that other people were also there? I've said enough for today. Tomorrow is going to be a busy old day with all the meetings I have. I hope that at least I will be able to travel home without meeting the obligatory idiot on the train this time.

Snow in London

In October - first time for 70 years. I must have just missed it but after the theatres shut it was blizzard like and this morning there were quite a few snow covered cars. I was trying to work out what was going on as we just had a sharp frost where I live.

A good day today as I cleared so much of the work I was doing and now have a tidy but not clean desk. That needs to come about by the end of this week.

I'm getting quite excited as I am out tomorrow night to a very old Lodge in London which was formed in 1757 which is pretty old in Masonic terms. I'm looking forward to it as I know some of the people but they don't know I am turning up.

It is also a big day at FMH as they are having the London Ranks investiture. I have 2 people I know getting theirs so I am not sure quite how I am going to fit everything in as I may have to leave that half way through to get to the next meeting!

Friday I have off. I feel very tired today but I have been in overdrive for 5 or 6 days now and so I intend to take Friday off and chill down a bit if possible.

Saturday is the 1st Anniversary of my all clear!!! I am off to see a Genesis Tribute band and looking forward to that as a way of celebrating.

Tonight it was Tim

Nice but Dim. Went through a tunnel and his mobile cut off then he phoned his service provider and started to give them a bollocking. Then we went through a bridge and another tunnel - guess what happened? Off the phone went again so he called again and got even more irate, threatening some regulation or the other. The place was in uproar at the end of the journey - a load of people gave him an ear bending as they got off the train. He, pissed as he was, didn't really get it - stupid sod. I wish "Mr Awesome" was on the train I'd have put them together as they deserved each other. What a pompous arrogant twat! You may perceive that I really wasn't that impressed with him :-)

On a much better note, we had a brilliant business meeting tonight. It has taken an age to get it to fruition but the value was fantastic and we can all move on now. This is something else we are doing and is very interesting as a concept but also as something else to work on. Did I say I had enough on already? I have more now...

This frenetic stage

I know I complain about fatigue and I know that I still do too much but it was interesting today to see how fast I actually work. no wonder they are surprised at me up at work. I can take a piece of work, get the comments and have it out again in a few minutes.

This surprises me too as I am rattling through my work and getting huge amounts done. It is difficult when I get into that sort of groove to stop and slow down such is the frenzy in which I can churn out work without loss of quality. Tonight, I am wide awake and my mind is spinning as it tackles the new stuff for this week - Paul Cezanne and puts into place Doctor Faustus and Cleopatra all of which are also making my brain do loop the loop.

It was 1 year ago that I was getting ready to hold a 2 day workshop and this Saturday marks that fantastic day I got the clear from my Consultant. And typing that I've come over all unnecessary (stupid). What a day that was in the early Winter sunshine. How pleased I was - how unbelievable it all seemed too. All my mates came out and we celebrated and I drank too much but hey - it isn't every day you get the right sort of news.

I'm out this Saturday and it will be a celebration and a half as I will be going to see G2 a Genesis tribute band at Charterhouse School in Godalming, Surrey. I missed it last year and went to my Aunt's 80th - this year I can go - looking forward to it very much they were absolutely brilliant the last time I saw them.

Wow, a year already - that has gone fast. I thought all my dreams had come true on that one day - luckily the most important thing - my health - remains OK. The other stuff is, as they say, history.

If he said Awesome once

He said it 50 times. There is nothing "Awesome" about meeting your mate off the train, or meeting at Starbucks or in fact going off for a few days to see your mates at Uni. 15 sodding minutes this kid was on his mobile for. "Yea Awesome" "Right Awesome" I was getting quite a twitch by the time he hung up. What a pratt!

So having now got that off my chest - the rest of the day has been one of blitzing through my work and now I am getting ready to go out again tonight and again tomorrow night - it isn't any wonder I get tired...

Everything seems to be like that at the moment though non stop. I suppose better that than doing nothing.

The Fear of Recurrence

How many people do you hear of who get cured / remission and then get a recurrence? It is worrying that the second time always appears to be far worse than the first. Often you hear that the second one turns out to be the one that gets them.

Apparently it is quite normal to be worried but it seems to be something that really should be picked up early if they continue to monitor you and test you. So that is a niggle - I'll be asking my Consultant about that in December I hope.

If you consider that cancer patients are probably likely to get it again you'd be expecting it. Maybe it is something, like side effects, fatigue, black dog and all the other stuff they don't tell you about.

"The Truth? You can't handle the Truth" well medical establishment -maybe we can.

BBC showing American Football

And it is live from Wembley - where did that come from? I've always fancied going to see it and so where were the adverts, I could have gone today - it would have been something to experience.

Oh well, I suppose I can watch it on TV in the warmth of the house.

Happy Birthday to

Well the blog actually....

2 years old already - perhaps the "Terrible Twos" will set in now and the blog will become unmanageable?

What a lot has happened since 2006 as well. At that time I had just started the BCG treatment for CIS having had two operations (I wasn't expecting the second one to be a TURBT) and was coming to terms with the unknown and the uncertainty of the diagnosis. Sure, I knew by then that if the treatment worked I'd have a good chance but the Treatment needed to work.

So much has happened in my life since that time as well. There is no way I could have envisaged I would end up working for a charity. I worked for that other bunch of low lifes who screwed up more than one person on their rapid, tragic and amazing climb to the heights of insignificance and lost the respect of everyone who dealt with them. Should they ever happen to find their consciences - I hope that it gives them a migraine for years.

There have been some amazing highs and lows and the emotional and physical roller coaster associated with getting cancer and recovering have been surprising to me. No one really ever talks about what cancer does to you. You see it on the news maybe and someone does something amazing with their remaining days or someone famous dies of it but you don't get under the skin of it, you don't pick the scab and let it bleed and really get under the hood and see how it works (am I mixing my metaphors?).

I am still trying to tell it as it is for it isn't a case of having it, getting over it and getting back to work. Someone recently published a paper saying that cancer was now so well understood for certain types that it can be treated as a serious life threatening disease. HELLO!!!! No it isn't like that at all, not one of my Doctors or Consultants have ever talked about the emotional side of the disease nor have they ever spoken about the side effects and imbalances in your body, the "other" side effects just don't get a look in. Realistically given the pressure on them they can't but somewhere along the line there ought to be the "handbook of cancer" or "Cancer for Dummies". Perhaps this blog and Steve's in the US will be a start to telling everyone - how it really is.

The stigma attached to cancer is going away although I still notice that some aren't particularly comfortable with it. The fact that you are more likely to survive is, I am pleased to say, gratifying. The not treating the whole problem must be addressed soon, it must be adding to people's stress levels and costing the health of the nation more if it remains ignored.

Today, after 2 years, I am very grateful for all the work the National Health Service has done. They got me in fast, did what was necessary and treated me OK. Sure there were a few things I didn't enjoy but, let's face it they are trivial and I am here to complain about them :-)

These days I am coming to terms with how ill I have been and I've put up this massive defence (defense in US) mechanism that acts as a force field to be able to take the treatment and operations. The personality force field isn't particularly one I like although I am controlling that to some extent now. Both are there to take away the horrors, make you feel positive and to protect yourself from people and from treatment itself, there can't be many times in life you actually let someone stick a pipe into your penis, without an anaesthetic so somehow you need to block it. Again, no one will tell you that the cancer patient will have done this and that the way they talk and react to you is different because of these sorts of things.

Anyway, after 2 years, happy birthday blog. Sometimes I don't know what I would have done without you. Other times, I've published and be damned and occasionally I've been too open and pulled my posts. I do however feel that the in general the stuff I have left up here is what it is like. you get 90 or 95% the remaining bit has to be mine and is too dark or too incorrect or full of bile to let you see. It really is the swearing, cussing, PC Incorrect stuff we all have hanging around as baggage and I'd rather not share that on this forum.

Has it been therapeutic? Yes it has it lets me let off steam and be informative. I don't speak for all of the sufferers of bladder cancer but this is what happened to me so somewhere, if someone gets one good bit out of it, feels they aren't alone or wants to know warts and all what it is like then this blog will have done its job.

28 months since I got the first signs and now - much to my relief and surprise - it will soon be time to close the book and open the next one.

OK no cold beer then

Despite a request that a couple of cans be ready when I got home as I wouldn't be drinking and I'd like to settle back with a beer after a long day.

Oh well if "I didn't have time" or "I decided to do something else" weren't exactly United Nations ways of answering the question I didn't get a beer.

I did manage to crash out and sleep well following all of that work.

I now need to spend today sorting out all of the paperwork and also work out what I need to do to complete my coursework this week - I'll probably do that this afternoon.

What a day

Am I ever going to pay for this tomorrow. I have done so much work that I wonder how I managed to execute it. Today I had two meetings one after the other and managed to:

1. Not fall asleep - I had been at the Masonic centre for close to 11 hours when I left to come home!
2. remember I had the car and that Tomato Juice and Worcestershire Sauce were the order of the day.
3. Manage to make just a few mistakes during the day

I am going to go downstairs in a minute and crack open a can of beer and put my feet up! I deserve it. It was also nice to see my boss out of work and in another situation.

Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Wow what a buzz I am getting from this Degree course. I had this two hour tutorial and it feels like someone has stuck a 9Volt battery across my tongue or unlocked my head. Brilliant!

I cannot believe the stuff I was coming out with in class - it is so stimulating and I wished I had studied the Humanities a bit more when I was a kid. We had to do Technology and Engineering in those days (no bad thing) but how I would have loved to have this insight into art, history and books many years ago.

Broadening the mind is great - I hope my head doesn't explode though :-)

Rejoice

And be thankful. Not my words but when I got the all clear I felt very matter of fact - I was excited and I was taking it all in and winding down from being pent up and reading Steve's blog today where suddenly he feels wiped out you can understand why just think of the months of tension waiting to hear whether things had worked or you might have to go down a different road.

I remember telling someone that I was clear and saying it very mater of fact when he just said "Rejoice and be thankful what wonderful news!" It takes a little while although I think I was really crazy for the first 18 hours and then was taking it in after that.

I can't tell you what the relief is like. Imagine holding your breath for 3 months and then breathing properly again. Something like that I guess.

I need to remind myself to be thankful sometimes and when I get upset or depressed or fed up it is good to bring yourself back with what a brilliant thing it is to be alive and to be healthy (I'll say healthy I still need to get to healthy but you know what I mean). Is getting back to normal a good sign or should I use my experiences more positively and not forget them?

Rejoice is a great word - it really means celebrate when I hear it.

3 hours I could have done without

As the Internet and cable connections died. Great!

I had to connect up some old modems to find out what on earth was going wrong - is it just me that finds the phone help system ironic that when you go to report a fault it suggests that you look at their online help page?? But my Internet isn't working - well ring the premium line number then. You have to ask yourself what spreadsheet jockey and pencil up his arse manager thought that particular slant at customer management up. If it is their fault they refund you your high rate call charges?

Now call me old fashioned but I pay the bill anyway so why make me pay to talk to people whose salary I pay through me paying my bill. Some jerk has really got it all wrong don't you think.

Now I need to go and work out why only one of my computers is working - well actually I know why - it is just going to be ball breaking stuff trying to change all the settings - nice of Microsoft to help out and be so intuitive - but sometimes it really doesn't help guys.

Perhaps they ought to get together with my ISP and work out how to look after their customers?

A Day Off

Well maybe. I have a desk full of stuff here to get through - knowing where to start would be a good thing :-)

I'm still pleased to hear about Steve's diagnosis and it reminds me of my first and second trips. the first was pre-cancerous cells which took me a while to realise meant they weren't cancerous. They were a bit like teenagers - all screwed up! When I got the clear and on maintenance on the 2nd visit it was a bit like trying to take in winning a medal. It doesn't sink in for a while. Anyway - what great news.

I have a busy day tomorrow - two Lodge meetings - one which I am Secretary for and have had to do the Assistant's job as well as he is away which has been a nightmare. Straight after that I am an Escort for a meeting and I have decided that I will not dine that evening as I would have been up from about 6 in the morning arriving at the meeting at about 8 in the morning and having been there all day would probably just end up in a heap on the floor :-)

So I had better get on - I also see that a load more work has arrived in my e-mail so I'd better get onto that as well.

I am really pleased tonight

to hear that Steve - Bio Hazard Man - is to once again become a Bio Hazard as things checked out today. What great news and even I am breathing a huge sigh of relief too. What wonderful news I am so pleased.

Maintenance therapy now and I remember my Urology Nurse saying that if I saw her again that was a good thing. It meant that I was getting better and that treatment was working. There is still some way to go but isn't it great what they can do these days? Fantastic.

On another note I mad my tutorial tonight and I am so pleased and charged up about it. It is a fantastic course for making me charged up but - the trouble is, I am wide awake at 00:30 - I'll pay for it in the morning but I have a day off.

Good - Sorted

I hadn't realised that I was the only one who noticed that I was losing momentum and not delivering - in fact the boss was a little concerned about it and was worried that I might be getting wound up about work which really isn't the case - some can be a pain but that sort of anger isn't like the Post-Cancer Fatigue stuff.

I laid out what I thought was wrong with me as I thought they should understand it and also that I had plenty of days in hand to have days off and control things. I'm pleased that they hadn't picked it up, I was controlling it and making myself worse outside of work.

I suppose working 16 hours a week on studies isn't really helping either :-)

Anyway, I feel very pleased about it now and a few days off starting this Friday will do me good.

Here's to Bio Hazard Man

Steve or Bio Hazard Man is about 18 months behind me in his diagnosis and treatment and is about to get the inspection that will determine the next stage of treatment based on what has already been done and what is left to do.


Don't underestimate how stressful it is to wait to hear whether or not things have worked out. It is like waiting for your number in a lottery but the stakes are a lot higher of course.


Here is Steve's wonderful blog about Bladder Cancer and I'm spending Thursday afternoon and evening thinking good thoughts and praying for the right movement in treatments for him and his family. If you have anything to cross then please do so.


I know there is a lot going on in the US right now but actually all our votes are with you at the moment Bio Hazard Man. Good luck.

Somehow we missed again

What a day - hectic is an understatement. Didn't even get to see the boss for more than 5 minutes and so will need to see him tomorrow. I think it is best I just write it down and stick it under his nose rather than do a chapter and verse.

Next week is half term here but I have meetings across the week. Somehow I need to wangle a few days off in between although I have no idea how I'll do that with so much stuff landing on my plate.

I've plenty to do and lots of little projects and somehow I have to get my study squeezed in this week too and a tutorial. Arghh!

Oh well better busy than sitting around doing nothing - but then again maybe once in a while to be lazy is no bad thing?