I find that there are a number of times that I go the extra mile and let people have their head and let them get away with more than they should.
My reward - in many cases - is to get screwed for letting them take the extra inch and make it into a mile.
I've always let everyone have the benefit of the doubt because - once in a while they pay you back and reward you. It makes up for the 99 who shit on you. I got dumped on today and I find that unacceptable as I went way beyond the extra mile to accommodate their stupidity.
Sometimes, I wish that I'd just tell people in the first instance to shove off and not take the second insult from them.
People are very disappointing to me these days.
Maybe I expect them all to have the same standards that I adhere to?
Maybe I am too old fashioned myself?
Sunday, November 09, 2008
Saturday, November 08, 2008
A different way of looking at things
A guy I knew once told me that he needed to "mess with his brain" - well actually he put it a bit more crudely than that. What he meant was he needed the challenge all the time to make him tick. he didn't do social niceties and he didn't do friends (the people not the show) that much etc.
I'm just doing my first assignment for my Foundation Course but also finishing off the section on Paul Cezanne. Now, before I'd spent much time on this, I'd have told you that the guy surely couldn't command the sort of respect when (and I have actually seen some in the flesh) he couldn't paint and that there was little that made me want to get involved in the picture. Interesting because anyone who knows me does know that I try and give everything a fair chance and if it doesn't float my boat I'll just move on.
So Cezanne; what can I say but a new way of looking at it. It isn't a 2D flat, did you run out of paint half way through? Type of view now. I'd never ever thought of art as emotion on a canvas. A Dutch Master like Vermeer - now that was always my view of the world and suddenly it is quite liberating to "get it" after all these years. Cezanne's work now looks very different indeed after going back and looking at it again with fresh eyes. Bring it on!! :-)
I find this whole learning process messing with MY brain - and do you know what? It's really great. I feel quite cheated that my old school and the system never gave me this opportunity when I was younger. In a way some of that is my fault too but you don't get it when you are a kid and certainly not when you were turfed out of school at 16 into the real world to go get a job.
Better late than never and I hope it opens my mind to some more of this that tears down my long held views and makes me look at things differently. Who knows what will happen next?
I'm just doing my first assignment for my Foundation Course but also finishing off the section on Paul Cezanne. Now, before I'd spent much time on this, I'd have told you that the guy surely couldn't command the sort of respect when (and I have actually seen some in the flesh) he couldn't paint and that there was little that made me want to get involved in the picture. Interesting because anyone who knows me does know that I try and give everything a fair chance and if it doesn't float my boat I'll just move on.
So Cezanne; what can I say but a new way of looking at it. It isn't a 2D flat, did you run out of paint half way through? Type of view now. I'd never ever thought of art as emotion on a canvas. A Dutch Master like Vermeer - now that was always my view of the world and suddenly it is quite liberating to "get it" after all these years. Cezanne's work now looks very different indeed after going back and looking at it again with fresh eyes. Bring it on!! :-)
I find this whole learning process messing with MY brain - and do you know what? It's really great. I feel quite cheated that my old school and the system never gave me this opportunity when I was younger. In a way some of that is my fault too but you don't get it when you are a kid and certainly not when you were turfed out of school at 16 into the real world to go get a job.
Better late than never and I hope it opens my mind to some more of this that tears down my long held views and makes me look at things differently. Who knows what will happen next?
Amelie and assorted French Films
Well you never thought I was going to be someone who thought Top Gun was a good film now did you?
I have just watched one of my favourite films - Amelie - it always cheers me up and ties me in knots at the end. It is a lovely little film but best watched in French without the sub titles if you can manage it.
Delicatessen would probably be up there with City of Lost Children, Belleville Rendezvous and A Very Long Engagement.
Of course there are others that I like watching but these tend to pull me back more often than not as I enjoy the unusual plot and the wonderful photography involved.
Anyway, it was a nice change to sit uninterrupted for a few hours, on my own watching a film that I could concentrate on. It makes a change.
I have just watched one of my favourite films - Amelie - it always cheers me up and ties me in knots at the end. It is a lovely little film but best watched in French without the sub titles if you can manage it.
Delicatessen would probably be up there with City of Lost Children, Belleville Rendezvous and A Very Long Engagement.
Of course there are others that I like watching but these tend to pull me back more often than not as I enjoy the unusual plot and the wonderful photography involved.
Anyway, it was a nice change to sit uninterrupted for a few hours, on my own watching a film that I could concentrate on. It makes a change.
Friday, November 07, 2008
Friday Reflections
It has been a busy old week one way and another. Luckily I have had time off in between and recovered from the late nights. It is one of the surprising things to me that even now my ability to do more than a couple of late nights gives me so many stamina problems but then I am getting old and I've had a good reason why I'm not as fit as I used to be.
Certainly this week has been easier because I planned to take time off, like today, to compensate for being out, having big meals and having a few glasses of wine with them.
In a few weeks time I'll hopefully be getting towards the end of the major part of my journey. If all is clear the BCGs will stop, the operations will stop to be replaced by scope inspections (not nice but at least you get checked out). 2009 may well start with a new vision and perspective on life. I still think that I'm not really settled on what I want to do maybe I need to wait to hear the news and find out what it is before committing or deciding on anything.
Certainly this week has been easier because I planned to take time off, like today, to compensate for being out, having big meals and having a few glasses of wine with them.
In a few weeks time I'll hopefully be getting towards the end of the major part of my journey. If all is clear the BCGs will stop, the operations will stop to be replaced by scope inspections (not nice but at least you get checked out). 2009 may well start with a new vision and perspective on life. I still think that I'm not really settled on what I want to do maybe I need to wait to hear the news and find out what it is before committing or deciding on anything.
Thursday, November 06, 2008
Today - Interesting and curiously uplifting
I had a half day off and went to a lunch time gathering and met a lot of really nice people and bumped into someone I know.
It was nice to meet a group of people from a number of shared interests and had a nice meal and a chat. I got invited to go and give a talk to them in March and that will be good.
I feel a lot better and I have tomorrow off but have plenty to keep me occupied. I find that towards the end of the week I do get tired but these odd days I have had off have made a clear difference. I managed to get a few hours sleep in the chair when I got in but I had a few glasses of wine at lunchtime and that is pretty fatal that way!
All in all a bit better in terms of getting my head around things and a lot got sorted out today which was great. A number of projects are coming together nicely and I am going to be busy in the next few weeks.
My friend and colleague isn't very well though and is back in Hospital - probably in the same ward I was in. He is not at all well and came out only to return a day later. I hope they fix him up. I am picking up his stuff but I am due in soon - maybe 3 weeks time :-(
I don't mind picking up his work but if he gets caught up on long term illness and I disappear for a week or two it will give the charity a few headaches.
It was nice to meet a group of people from a number of shared interests and had a nice meal and a chat. I got invited to go and give a talk to them in March and that will be good.
I feel a lot better and I have tomorrow off but have plenty to keep me occupied. I find that towards the end of the week I do get tired but these odd days I have had off have made a clear difference. I managed to get a few hours sleep in the chair when I got in but I had a few glasses of wine at lunchtime and that is pretty fatal that way!
All in all a bit better in terms of getting my head around things and a lot got sorted out today which was great. A number of projects are coming together nicely and I am going to be busy in the next few weeks.
My friend and colleague isn't very well though and is back in Hospital - probably in the same ward I was in. He is not at all well and came out only to return a day later. I hope they fix him up. I am picking up his stuff but I am due in soon - maybe 3 weeks time :-(
I don't mind picking up his work but if he gets caught up on long term illness and I disappear for a week or two it will give the charity a few headaches.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
See it another way
The previous post is a bit strange unless you actually know me.
Consider that for 2 1/2 years all you have to focus on is battling something you can't see, that is treated in perhaps the way that you can't really believe it "ought" to be treated and it is all rather horrible. Now imagine that you protect yourself by screening it all out and then that you don't have any plans left other than getting better.
When you start getting better things have actually changed a LOT. You are a different person in many respects, you have changed mentally and physically and now you think about it, you really want everything to be better now. All sorts of things should be better too but the disappointment is that they aren't and aren't likely to get better.
So there is the dilemma. Through the past 2 1/2 years there is every possibility that you've destroyed existing relationships and friendships and of course you have made new ones but nothing will ever be the same again and you really don't know what you want anymore.
It isn't a single thing either that will help. Being fitter and healthier may not help my mental state and vice versa. It is all about getting the balance right. I haven't got the balance right and at the moment I am struggling to find out where the correct place is. I'm sure it is all part of the process. Most of these things are.
Consider that for 2 1/2 years all you have to focus on is battling something you can't see, that is treated in perhaps the way that you can't really believe it "ought" to be treated and it is all rather horrible. Now imagine that you protect yourself by screening it all out and then that you don't have any plans left other than getting better.
When you start getting better things have actually changed a LOT. You are a different person in many respects, you have changed mentally and physically and now you think about it, you really want everything to be better now. All sorts of things should be better too but the disappointment is that they aren't and aren't likely to get better.
So there is the dilemma. Through the past 2 1/2 years there is every possibility that you've destroyed existing relationships and friendships and of course you have made new ones but nothing will ever be the same again and you really don't know what you want anymore.
It isn't a single thing either that will help. Being fitter and healthier may not help my mental state and vice versa. It is all about getting the balance right. I haven't got the balance right and at the moment I am struggling to find out where the correct place is. I'm sure it is all part of the process. Most of these things are.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
See I'm not mad
I enjoy talking to my fellow survivors. I went out tonight with a good friend and we got around to talking about this problem with the dreams, the fatigue, the not really satisfied with life bit, the lack of sleep, the way people treat you and the caution we both have. Then there is the reticence to get closely involved with anyone - all sounds strange unless you have been through the mental and physical fun of cancer.
I'm no nearer an answer for you but it goes something like this....
I'm not satisfied with what I have now, I feel it is all going to fall down and disintegrate around me and if that happens I'll tear down the walls and re-build. I have absolutely no idea what it is that I want now. I haven't thought through what would make me happy, how I want to live, what I want to do and where I want to go, to live, to work or anything.
I know that any ideas I do have are scrutinised and examined from every angle and I don't do off the cuff things, it isn't in my nature. To do anything different involves dragging a mile of baggage with me.
I'm not "screwed up" but having something like BC kind of makes you question everything and you are presented with questions like "Well, if you feel you haven't really lived and you have survived for a purpose. What is that purpose?" Now imagine all the variants of that question to surround your working, social and home life, multiply that by 100 and you can get an idea of the questions buzzing around in my head most of my waking hours.
It is pretty obvious that I don't have an answer to this at the moment but it is worth understanding how screwed up you get. Another common thing we both discovered was that we don't "get" people anymore. In other words, we don't react to signals from people in the same way we used to so cannot recognise a come on, a go away or any other sort of subtle inflection.
Interesting about the darkness and intensity of the dreams and nightmares and whether they are real or imagined. Some can merge with reality as if something actually happened and yet you know instinctively that it couldn't. It is very strange.
Anyway, what will be will be and it is just interesting that we are both having similar struggles.
I'm no nearer an answer for you but it goes something like this....
I'm not satisfied with what I have now, I feel it is all going to fall down and disintegrate around me and if that happens I'll tear down the walls and re-build. I have absolutely no idea what it is that I want now. I haven't thought through what would make me happy, how I want to live, what I want to do and where I want to go, to live, to work or anything.
I know that any ideas I do have are scrutinised and examined from every angle and I don't do off the cuff things, it isn't in my nature. To do anything different involves dragging a mile of baggage with me.
I'm not "screwed up" but having something like BC kind of makes you question everything and you are presented with questions like "Well, if you feel you haven't really lived and you have survived for a purpose. What is that purpose?" Now imagine all the variants of that question to surround your working, social and home life, multiply that by 100 and you can get an idea of the questions buzzing around in my head most of my waking hours.
It is pretty obvious that I don't have an answer to this at the moment but it is worth understanding how screwed up you get. Another common thing we both discovered was that we don't "get" people anymore. In other words, we don't react to signals from people in the same way we used to so cannot recognise a come on, a go away or any other sort of subtle inflection.
Interesting about the darkness and intensity of the dreams and nightmares and whether they are real or imagined. Some can merge with reality as if something actually happened and yet you know instinctively that it couldn't. It is very strange.
Anyway, what will be will be and it is just interesting that we are both having similar struggles.
What next then?
I've cleared out one of my tasks. The last time I have to arrange the dining and seating plan for one of my Lodges as I finish off as Assistant Secretary and move on to be Chaplain tomorrow. In a way I am looking forward to giving this up. With all the treatments and other things going on I haven't always made the meetings but I have always been able to do the table plan and sorted that out.
the Chaplain is a less active role but I have picked up another role in another Lodge which I will be appointed to in a few weeks time which involves a bit more travelling and doing but it shouldn't be bad - just three meetings to go to over the year.
I could easily be out every night of the week the way things are going. There are invites all over the place and I'm out again next week and another two times this week - make that three as I am now out tonight as well.
Phew....
I'd rather not be a professional Mason though :-) It seems a bit crazy - all those nice meals and glasses of beer and wine - I imagine that I'd be in Hospital for a few more problems to do with my health if I did that!
the Chaplain is a less active role but I have picked up another role in another Lodge which I will be appointed to in a few weeks time which involves a bit more travelling and doing but it shouldn't be bad - just three meetings to go to over the year.
I could easily be out every night of the week the way things are going. There are invites all over the place and I'm out again next week and another two times this week - make that three as I am now out tonight as well.
Phew....
I'd rather not be a professional Mason though :-) It seems a bit crazy - all those nice meals and glasses of beer and wine - I imagine that I'd be in Hospital for a few more problems to do with my health if I did that!
A Day Off - Reflections
It was a late one last night and I'm glad I took the day off today. Now what I must do is to make the most of it.
I tend to sit here at my PC and rattle through the work I have. I've a bit to do that is urgent and that I can clear up. The remainder can be left and I need to catch up on my course work which has suffered a bit this past week.
I'm feeling a lot more my normal self and yet there is something not quite right. Mind you that has been there for a long while and it is a combination of mental and physical side effects and in addition there is the coming out of the other side of this trauma to deal with. As you emerge from a couple of years of the upset, worry, fear, uncertainty and doubt you realise that whilst you have aspirations, what you didn't have were any long terms plans and in a way things just aren't the same on all levels. I went in to this journey as a high flyer who had made a significant change in his business and moved from a business owner to an employee and I've come out doing something a lot different. Bladder Cancer has changed my life, my health and my long term plan lies ripped to shreds somewhere back along the road I've come along.
I'm going to have to be brutally honest with myself in the very near future and take some steps to decide what I'm going to do next. As much as I love the job I'm in, I am so under utilised. I'm not sure that I'm emotionally stable enough to go back into the hard world of IT Programme Management or Business Management for a while. Here again is one of the things robbed from me by Bladder Cancer. That hard edged, get it done, can do attitude that made engaging me economic sense, was knocked out of me not only by the BC but also the "business" that I worked for last year. So many people disappoint me these days with their trivial unhelpful and divisive ways.
Do I actually want a full-time job? Actually no I don't - I've come to value running my own business and the opportunities to take periods of time off as and when I wanted.
Lots of things to sort out and this year is running out fast. I need to spend some time thinking about this and doing something positive. I think I make a big difference doing what I do at work, it feels right and yet?
All my "get up and go" has "got up and went" :-)
I tend to sit here at my PC and rattle through the work I have. I've a bit to do that is urgent and that I can clear up. The remainder can be left and I need to catch up on my course work which has suffered a bit this past week.
I'm feeling a lot more my normal self and yet there is something not quite right. Mind you that has been there for a long while and it is a combination of mental and physical side effects and in addition there is the coming out of the other side of this trauma to deal with. As you emerge from a couple of years of the upset, worry, fear, uncertainty and doubt you realise that whilst you have aspirations, what you didn't have were any long terms plans and in a way things just aren't the same on all levels. I went in to this journey as a high flyer who had made a significant change in his business and moved from a business owner to an employee and I've come out doing something a lot different. Bladder Cancer has changed my life, my health and my long term plan lies ripped to shreds somewhere back along the road I've come along.
I'm going to have to be brutally honest with myself in the very near future and take some steps to decide what I'm going to do next. As much as I love the job I'm in, I am so under utilised. I'm not sure that I'm emotionally stable enough to go back into the hard world of IT Programme Management or Business Management for a while. Here again is one of the things robbed from me by Bladder Cancer. That hard edged, get it done, can do attitude that made engaging me economic sense, was knocked out of me not only by the BC but also the "business" that I worked for last year. So many people disappoint me these days with their trivial unhelpful and divisive ways.
Do I actually want a full-time job? Actually no I don't - I've come to value running my own business and the opportunities to take periods of time off as and when I wanted.
Lots of things to sort out and this year is running out fast. I need to spend some time thinking about this and doing something positive. I think I make a big difference doing what I do at work, it feels right and yet?
All my "get up and go" has "got up and went" :-)
Oyster
In the UK it is a travel card. A didn't have credit on hers so borrowed mine. Tonight, when I actually need it, I get off miles away from home to find that my card doesn't work. When I open the holder there is no card at all. A BIG queue behind me and I have to find £2 in a hurry.
Thanks a lot! Just what I needed after a long day and close to midnight was to be the only one in a suit, and finding no card in the wallet where I left it.
Just dandy. Not happy at all. Ruined a good evening I'm afraid.
Thanks a lot! Just what I needed after a long day and close to midnight was to be the only one in a suit, and finding no card in the wallet where I left it.
Just dandy. Not happy at all. Ruined a good evening I'm afraid.
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Flat
I feel absolutely flat today. I enjoyed watching the F1 and had a reasonable day but I just don't feel great.
I've got a nice week coming up but cannot get up for it and feel quite strange. I wrote on a piece of paper. Future? Beside that I added the job I am in, the jobs I used to have and whether or not I would be happy having a permanent job next year. I actually don't think I would, despite the stability that would come with it. I'm not certain at this point in time what I want to do - and there's me fretting about why my daughter cannot decide :-)
I'm feeling quite down and cannot quite fathom why that should be really. It doesn't make sense but I ought to realise that things don't make a lot of sense these days.
Could it have been going out with a different crowd last night, perhaps reliving my misspent youth! I haven't felt quite this depressed for a long time and it isn't "black dog" stuff, it is more a wearisome tiredness and a lack of enthusiasm for anything at the moment.
I'm going through mid life crisis and all those questions and ideas - you know - pack it all in and go and live in the country and all that stuff. Life, Job, the Universe and all those things.
I'm hoping a good night's sleep and meeting some friends tomorrow might cheer me up and I have got Tuesday off so that may help? I can hardly believe it though as right now I am quite close to tears and all choked up and I have absolutely no idea why that should be? I know it says it on the Post Cancer Fatigue fact sheet I now have but I do find these occasional lapses unnerving and a little distressing. I certainly wouldn't like to be feeling like this at work or out somewhere.
I've got a nice week coming up but cannot get up for it and feel quite strange. I wrote on a piece of paper. Future? Beside that I added the job I am in, the jobs I used to have and whether or not I would be happy having a permanent job next year. I actually don't think I would, despite the stability that would come with it. I'm not certain at this point in time what I want to do - and there's me fretting about why my daughter cannot decide :-)
I'm feeling quite down and cannot quite fathom why that should be really. It doesn't make sense but I ought to realise that things don't make a lot of sense these days.
Could it have been going out with a different crowd last night, perhaps reliving my misspent youth! I haven't felt quite this depressed for a long time and it isn't "black dog" stuff, it is more a wearisome tiredness and a lack of enthusiasm for anything at the moment.
I'm going through mid life crisis and all those questions and ideas - you know - pack it all in and go and live in the country and all that stuff. Life, Job, the Universe and all those things.
I'm hoping a good night's sleep and meeting some friends tomorrow might cheer me up and I have got Tuesday off so that may help? I can hardly believe it though as right now I am quite close to tears and all choked up and I have absolutely no idea why that should be? I know it says it on the Post Cancer Fatigue fact sheet I now have but I do find these occasional lapses unnerving and a little distressing. I certainly wouldn't like to be feeling like this at work or out somewhere.
Blinding Set
What a great evening at the Charterhouse School. G2 played a fantastic set. A shame we had a few wallies who felt that they could sing better but they were silenced for the second set thank goodness. A great evening.
Mind you, driving all that way was a bit traumatic as I have to say my bladder doesn't hold itself together like it used to following all these treatments. So it was a bit touch and go and we had to make an emergency call for me on the way. I decided not to have a drink at the bar at half time and that seems to have worked out for me :-)
So I am home and wide awake at 1 in the morning and had just a few beers before we went. Sober - amazing.
It sure is good to get out occasionally...
Mind you, driving all that way was a bit traumatic as I have to say my bladder doesn't hold itself together like it used to following all these treatments. So it was a bit touch and go and we had to make an emergency call for me on the way. I decided not to have a drink at the bar at half time and that seems to have worked out for me :-)
So I am home and wide awake at 1 in the morning and had just a few beers before we went. Sober - amazing.
It sure is good to get out occasionally...
Saturday, November 01, 2008
Well here I am 1 year to the day
It is 1 year since I got the first all clear. To write it is to choke on the words slightly. It probably means as much today as it did then.
What a difference in the day it is too. Last Year I was sitting outside as it was so sunny. I was also drinking rather heavily too as I remember and I had lots of friends to come along and meet me.
I was a bit slow the next day to say the least!
A lot of things have happened and if you'd have told me that within a few weeks of getting the all clear that the business that I had been investing in for most of the year was to come crashing down around my ears and that I'd end up working for a charity I'd have probably laughed at you.
However, that is what happened and I can't say that it isn't for the best really. I was getting pretty wound up about the idiots I had to deal with and sooner or later it would have exploded somewhere else.
In the last year I have been coming to realise what it is like to be cancer free and yet, I probably feel more vulnerable now than I did when I had cancer. I'm about to have another Operation and if that is clear then we really are getting somewhere. Bladder Cancer is one of those annoying cancers that can recur and so you tend to have to come to terms with the fact that it might be back. However, on the flip side, if it stays away long enough you really do have a good chance of not getting a recurrence.
So coming to terms with uncertainty is one thing. Coming to terms with the fact that you suffer a type of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder affect because of what you went through is also something I didn't think I'd have to come to terms with. Foreshortening my career, such as it was, is probably a good thing but the power, money and thrill of what I used to do are all things I no longer have and so I miss those elements and yet, not having them should be good for me.
I'm gradually getting used to the job I am in but I hate the regularity of it and the commuting and the 9 to 5 element. They don't do fully flexible working and it halts my ability to be as dynamic as I'd like. If anything, that will be the make or break on the job when I come to make a decision in early 2009 whether I want to continue. It is a great job but I can do more. They are lovely people and I enjoy their company and their enthusiasm for the work but - it just doesn't buzz as a commercial concern does.
These results are important and a second clear will be all the encouragement I need to prepare myself for the next stage which has got to be getting myself away from niggling doubts and moving away from the PTSD or Post Cancer Fatigue towards becoming fitter and healthier. I'm hoping that my studies will be of some help but this week they have gone by the way as so much has happened and I am left with next week to get that done and my assignment. I think I can get back on track with that though as long as I spend sufficient time doing that and not being distracted.
Tonight I am off with some friends to see a tribute band G2 and I am looking forward to it immensely.
What a difference in the day it is too. Last Year I was sitting outside as it was so sunny. I was also drinking rather heavily too as I remember and I had lots of friends to come along and meet me.
I was a bit slow the next day to say the least!
A lot of things have happened and if you'd have told me that within a few weeks of getting the all clear that the business that I had been investing in for most of the year was to come crashing down around my ears and that I'd end up working for a charity I'd have probably laughed at you.
However, that is what happened and I can't say that it isn't for the best really. I was getting pretty wound up about the idiots I had to deal with and sooner or later it would have exploded somewhere else.
In the last year I have been coming to realise what it is like to be cancer free and yet, I probably feel more vulnerable now than I did when I had cancer. I'm about to have another Operation and if that is clear then we really are getting somewhere. Bladder Cancer is one of those annoying cancers that can recur and so you tend to have to come to terms with the fact that it might be back. However, on the flip side, if it stays away long enough you really do have a good chance of not getting a recurrence.
So coming to terms with uncertainty is one thing. Coming to terms with the fact that you suffer a type of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder affect because of what you went through is also something I didn't think I'd have to come to terms with. Foreshortening my career, such as it was, is probably a good thing but the power, money and thrill of what I used to do are all things I no longer have and so I miss those elements and yet, not having them should be good for me.
I'm gradually getting used to the job I am in but I hate the regularity of it and the commuting and the 9 to 5 element. They don't do fully flexible working and it halts my ability to be as dynamic as I'd like. If anything, that will be the make or break on the job when I come to make a decision in early 2009 whether I want to continue. It is a great job but I can do more. They are lovely people and I enjoy their company and their enthusiasm for the work but - it just doesn't buzz as a commercial concern does.
These results are important and a second clear will be all the encouragement I need to prepare myself for the next stage which has got to be getting myself away from niggling doubts and moving away from the PTSD or Post Cancer Fatigue towards becoming fitter and healthier. I'm hoping that my studies will be of some help but this week they have gone by the way as so much has happened and I am left with next week to get that done and my assignment. I think I can get back on track with that though as long as I spend sufficient time doing that and not being distracted.
Tonight I am off with some friends to see a tribute band G2 and I am looking forward to it immensely.
Friday, October 31, 2008
You are not taking this seriously
That is and at the same time isn't true.
Only recently have I taken the disease I had seriously and I have a defence mechanism built up around me that takes away a lot of the things you may (if you have never had this) THINK about cancer. Thinking is not the same as KNOWING and here then lies the perception that perhaps I am not taking it seriously.
I have of necessity had to look early on at the worst side and taken a fully pessimistic view based on the facts and also taking the view that I was always going to get the bad news. In early days that was a realistic way to deal with it. then came the reassuring other people because it isn't just you who gets this. Much as I like to think I am my own person, many other peoples lives are lined to mine and they suffer to so you build a crust around this and they need (and so do you) a certain "attitude" to what you have.
Now I think back to this and it only slowly sinks in just how near this has all been. I take it seriously but life shouldn't be all serious now should it. If you can't have a laugh or do a good turn then you really don't deserve it!
Only recently have I taken the disease I had seriously and I have a defence mechanism built up around me that takes away a lot of the things you may (if you have never had this) THINK about cancer. Thinking is not the same as KNOWING and here then lies the perception that perhaps I am not taking it seriously.
I have of necessity had to look early on at the worst side and taken a fully pessimistic view based on the facts and also taking the view that I was always going to get the bad news. In early days that was a realistic way to deal with it. then came the reassuring other people because it isn't just you who gets this. Much as I like to think I am my own person, many other peoples lives are lined to mine and they suffer to so you build a crust around this and they need (and so do you) a certain "attitude" to what you have.
Now I think back to this and it only slowly sinks in just how near this has all been. I take it seriously but life shouldn't be all serious now should it. If you can't have a laugh or do a good turn then you really don't deserve it!
You kind of hope
That both the European and US guidance on Bladder Cancer Management and BCG treatments are equally as good as each other despite the fact they are so different.
There are some key differences in TURBT and Re-TURBT and in BCG regime. Mind you, it worked for me so I'm not arguing about it just noted that it was quite a difference.
I know Steve had his BCG yesterday and can imagine the side effects he is going through. It is good to have it on a Thursday though as you get the weekend to catch up a bit. I used to have mine on a Monday and it could mean that on Wednesday I wasn't really up to it.
In total I had 24 BCGs, all full strength ones which, as I am young (I think I am young), were bearable and manageable. I cant imagine that you'd be able to take them if you were in a high degree of pain from them. Mind you, I did keep in mind that other people undergo far worse treatments and that I was lucky to be able to lie down at home and go through all of this.
There are some key differences in TURBT and Re-TURBT and in BCG regime. Mind you, it worked for me so I'm not arguing about it just noted that it was quite a difference.
I know Steve had his BCG yesterday and can imagine the side effects he is going through. It is good to have it on a Thursday though as you get the weekend to catch up a bit. I used to have mine on a Monday and it could mean that on Wednesday I wasn't really up to it.
In total I had 24 BCGs, all full strength ones which, as I am young (I think I am young), were bearable and manageable. I cant imagine that you'd be able to take them if you were in a high degree of pain from them. Mind you, I did keep in mind that other people undergo far worse treatments and that I was lucky to be able to lie down at home and go through all of this.
Blogging Pays Dividends
In just over 2 years the blog, which carries a small set of advertising banners has paid dividends and $100 was popped into my bank this morning. That's about a $1 a week :-) That's about 60 GBP.
I am going to give that to charity and felt that the charity that I work for which, unfortunately looks as if we are going to be helping 100s more children in these uncertain times, will get this first tranche. There is another $30 building up (they pay in $100 tranches) which will also go to charity.
Thanks to everyone who has read the blog and clicked out to raise the revenue.
I am going to give that to charity and felt that the charity that I work for which, unfortunately looks as if we are going to be helping 100s more children in these uncertain times, will get this first tranche. There is another $30 building up (they pay in $100 tranches) which will also go to charity.
Thanks to everyone who has read the blog and clicked out to raise the revenue.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Phew
Long day and a wet walk home - I dropped a note over asking if it was raining - no was the answer. Half way home down it came so looking somewhat similar to a drowned rat at the moment!
Anyway, I had a lovely day out with some old and some new friends. A really old lodge formed in 1757 and a lovely time was had by all. I even won the raffle - again. That is every meeting in the last week I have won something or other!
I try not to read too much into that. I have tomorrow off, thank goodness - I might even get to see the rest of the family as they have been scattered to the four winds.
Anyway, I had a lovely day out with some old and some new friends. A really old lodge formed in 1757 and a lovely time was had by all. I even won the raffle - again. That is every meeting in the last week I have won something or other!
I try not to read too much into that. I have tomorrow off, thank goodness - I might even get to see the rest of the family as they have been scattered to the four winds.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
All life's problems
Are really quite trivial in a way. I mean I was listening to someone putting the worlds to right and telling me how important he was and yet, why was he telling me? I live, alongside 6 to 8 million other people in and around the metropolis and there are another 50 Million of us dotted around the country and so what!?
There are lots of things in this world that you have absolutely no control of whatsoever. No one owes you anything and frankly no one really cares that much when all is said and done. Friends and family are different. I just mean the bloke in the street. The chap that opens his news paper and turns the pages with such velocity that he breaks the sound barrier each time, the arse with a phone that you obviously have to SHOUT into to make it work, the people who push in front or stand in front of you when you've been waiting, the people who haven't worked out what a handkerchief does and sniff and make gurgling noises on the way up to work each day. The guy with 5 elbows or the gawky kid who uses the wrong words to describe every day feelings. These people all live on my planet and I have to interact with them and yet, they don't matter either do they?
Suddenly life isn't about trivial stuff. I'm not saying I know what it is about but I was thinking back to this time last year and the way we were going to bring this fantastic idea to market and it was going to affect 20% of the world's market and then I realised that these people didn't have the intellect to comprehend the scale of what they were saying. Like the Bank of England estimating that the world was £1.5 Trillion Pounds down the drain basically. How many noughts is that? Does it mater a jot? Can YOU do anything about it?
So where is all of this going? I'm not sure - I certainly don't have the answer but I have really struggled with people these past few years. I've had to keep going - it hasn't always been possible to have "service as normal" but I'm relatively happy that I've tried to work normally in between and yet some people whinge about almost anything.
I knew I'd come out of this changed but tolerance (which is actually quite good considering) is not top of the skill set and you may wonder why I never took Diplomacy as a higher education subject! It would be nice, would it not, to find that there was more tolerance, more courtesy and more thinking about other people. I've been brought up like that, I try and be courteous all the time but this new generation of Londoners are certainly trying my patience. I had three people who were determined to keep chatting and occupying all the pavement which would have forced me into the road. Stopping dead in the middle of the pavement and then having to body check one of them was the only option. How difficult would it be for them to work out that other people were also there? I've said enough for today. Tomorrow is going to be a busy old day with all the meetings I have. I hope that at least I will be able to travel home without meeting the obligatory idiot on the train this time.
There are lots of things in this world that you have absolutely no control of whatsoever. No one owes you anything and frankly no one really cares that much when all is said and done. Friends and family are different. I just mean the bloke in the street. The chap that opens his news paper and turns the pages with such velocity that he breaks the sound barrier each time, the arse with a phone that you obviously have to SHOUT into to make it work, the people who push in front or stand in front of you when you've been waiting, the people who haven't worked out what a handkerchief does and sniff and make gurgling noises on the way up to work each day. The guy with 5 elbows or the gawky kid who uses the wrong words to describe every day feelings. These people all live on my planet and I have to interact with them and yet, they don't matter either do they?
Suddenly life isn't about trivial stuff. I'm not saying I know what it is about but I was thinking back to this time last year and the way we were going to bring this fantastic idea to market and it was going to affect 20% of the world's market and then I realised that these people didn't have the intellect to comprehend the scale of what they were saying. Like the Bank of England estimating that the world was £1.5 Trillion Pounds down the drain basically. How many noughts is that? Does it mater a jot? Can YOU do anything about it?
So where is all of this going? I'm not sure - I certainly don't have the answer but I have really struggled with people these past few years. I've had to keep going - it hasn't always been possible to have "service as normal" but I'm relatively happy that I've tried to work normally in between and yet some people whinge about almost anything.
I knew I'd come out of this changed but tolerance (which is actually quite good considering) is not top of the skill set and you may wonder why I never took Diplomacy as a higher education subject! It would be nice, would it not, to find that there was more tolerance, more courtesy and more thinking about other people. I've been brought up like that, I try and be courteous all the time but this new generation of Londoners are certainly trying my patience. I had three people who were determined to keep chatting and occupying all the pavement which would have forced me into the road. Stopping dead in the middle of the pavement and then having to body check one of them was the only option. How difficult would it be for them to work out that other people were also there? I've said enough for today. Tomorrow is going to be a busy old day with all the meetings I have. I hope that at least I will be able to travel home without meeting the obligatory idiot on the train this time.
Snow in London
In October - first time for 70 years. I must have just missed it but after the theatres shut it was blizzard like and this morning there were quite a few snow covered cars. I was trying to work out what was going on as we just had a sharp frost where I live.
A good day today as I cleared so much of the work I was doing and now have a tidy but not clean desk. That needs to come about by the end of this week.
I'm getting quite excited as I am out tomorrow night to a very old Lodge in London which was formed in 1757 which is pretty old in Masonic terms. I'm looking forward to it as I know some of the people but they don't know I am turning up.
It is also a big day at FMH as they are having the London Ranks investiture. I have 2 people I know getting theirs so I am not sure quite how I am going to fit everything in as I may have to leave that half way through to get to the next meeting!
Friday I have off. I feel very tired today but I have been in overdrive for 5 or 6 days now and so I intend to take Friday off and chill down a bit if possible.
Saturday is the 1st Anniversary of my all clear!!! I am off to see a Genesis Tribute band and looking forward to that as a way of celebrating.
A good day today as I cleared so much of the work I was doing and now have a tidy but not clean desk. That needs to come about by the end of this week.
I'm getting quite excited as I am out tomorrow night to a very old Lodge in London which was formed in 1757 which is pretty old in Masonic terms. I'm looking forward to it as I know some of the people but they don't know I am turning up.
It is also a big day at FMH as they are having the London Ranks investiture. I have 2 people I know getting theirs so I am not sure quite how I am going to fit everything in as I may have to leave that half way through to get to the next meeting!
Friday I have off. I feel very tired today but I have been in overdrive for 5 or 6 days now and so I intend to take Friday off and chill down a bit if possible.
Saturday is the 1st Anniversary of my all clear!!! I am off to see a Genesis Tribute band and looking forward to that as a way of celebrating.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Tonight it was Tim
Nice but Dim. Went through a tunnel and his mobile cut off then he phoned his service provider and started to give them a bollocking. Then we went through a bridge and another tunnel - guess what happened? Off the phone went again so he called again and got even more irate, threatening some regulation or the other. The place was in uproar at the end of the journey - a load of people gave him an ear bending as they got off the train. He, pissed as he was, didn't really get it - stupid sod. I wish "Mr Awesome" was on the train I'd have put them together as they deserved each other. What a pompous arrogant twat! You may perceive that I really wasn't that impressed with him :-)
On a much better note, we had a brilliant business meeting tonight. It has taken an age to get it to fruition but the value was fantastic and we can all move on now. This is something else we are doing and is very interesting as a concept but also as something else to work on. Did I say I had enough on already? I have more now...
On a much better note, we had a brilliant business meeting tonight. It has taken an age to get it to fruition but the value was fantastic and we can all move on now. This is something else we are doing and is very interesting as a concept but also as something else to work on. Did I say I had enough on already? I have more now...
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