You've been here before

I certainly have been here before. I am now plugged into my MP3 player, listening to Supertramp as it happens. Just doing some odds and ends, updating Facebook, updating here, getting myself into the zone as far as I can and just preparing myself for the rest of the day.

I'm pretty much neutral on outcome - by that I mean I haven't prejudged it this time. I wait to hear what they say and I hope for the best but may have to accept second best. I really hope that they can just get on with it and get me out as soon as possible. I just want to be on the other side as soon as possible.

I need to do a trawl around the house and check everything and then wander up to the Hospital. Scar Wars IX here we go.

That's a little better

Crashed into the exercise regime and did a 30 minute burn. Took my mind off what is going on later, brought my blood pressure down and with a bit of luck will allow me to potter about until 11 when I need to head off to the Hospital. In fact I might go 10 minutes later to arrive just after the time they want me there. This will save waiting in that awful waiting room I hope and let me get straight to my curtained off area to get ready and into my zone.

Floods of Dreams

They are strange things dreams, my Dad was in a few last night, chatting away to this chap who is actually seen on TV and we were in some old fashioned shop chatting away about some cycling down to the coast or some such thing. A fitful night, as you'd expect and a nervy feel this morning. I can feel my heart thumping away and my Blood Pressure reading is reassuringly high, so high that I am not going to record it on my chart until after I've done some exercise. I've made a decision to do that this morning - more as a distraction than anything else with the possibility it may just get my breathing and Blood Pressure under some sort of control.

Light breakfast has been had and I am now on water only until 11 and nothing after that until after the operation. My MP3 player is charged up and ready to go but I'm not packed yet - I will do that in a minute or two once Mrs. F. and L go off to work and school. I then have the place to myself and can sort myself out accordingly.

As I often say to myself, it will all be over this time tomorrow. I hope that is the case. More importantly, it is whether there are any recurrences and if there are, what grade and stage they are at and what to do about them. If things are clear, that will be good. I feel pretty good although I have sympathetic pains in and around by bladder and the back of my hand - strange sensations both.

I feel pretty good - albeit I know I'm a bit stressed. I'll see how a bit of exercise and a shower and shave make me feel. Hopefully that will burn away some of the hours.

And so to bed

Well I will do once I've sorted myself out for tomorrow. I need to be up early for a light breakfast and then I can do some checking before taking myself off to the Hospital. I'm charging my MP3 player and have spare batteries for the other one. This time I am taking ordinary music - not particularly soothing classical like normal to see if I react any differently to some rock, progressive, pop and general music.

I didn't do any exercise this afternoon - I really just couldn't be bothered and the golf was on and I spoke to my business partner around about 3 pm and realised that I wasn't concentrating on doing my work and I was going "into the zone". By that I mean going through my rituals and beginning to go into a shell like existence where I'm in myself - I'm sort of safe there and lost in my own little world that protects me from myself and builds up this shield when I have to go to the Hospital. The roller coaster will start tomorrow and I have little or no control over where it stops and how things will work out. Ideally I'd like for it all to be over in 5 minutes and then to be home in an hour after going in but that isn't going to happen.

Experience has told me the best thing to do is to just let it roll and go with the flow, it will happen in its own good time and it is no use getting all het up about it, what will be will be and that's all there is to it.

What they find will be what they find and I can't do anything about that either and so it isn't worth the worry and when I think about the past I begin to realise that this is the way of it from now on. I am being well looked after and monitored closely - I'm young and so they want to make sure. That sounds a bit callous but I think that is what I read between the lines.

I hope that I'll manage to get some sleep tonight just in case I am kept in overnight tomorrow again. I hate that - really hate it and so I will hope to "challenge" my Consultant to get me out on the same day like last time. If I have any wish at all it would be that - there is nothing worse than trying to sleep in a busy Hospital ward!

I had to laugh a minute ago though when I saw Steve K's Blog - he and I are having a friendly weight loss competition - what made me laugh was the thought that maybe I was only going in for biopsies to lose more weight. It only hurts when I laugh - or will do for two or three days anyway. Well at least that brought a smile to my otherwise serious face this evening - thanks Steve :-)

Well I had better be off and get my bag packed ready for tomorrow.

Here it comes

It is difficult to describe the feeling to you. it is a heavy feeling, clawing and at the same time it also has a distinct taste to it and it is stress and a bit of fear all rolled into one. It has just gripped me and the reason is that in about 24 hours I'll be wheeled down to theatre for another set of biopsies and whilst I'm uncertain of the outcome - I do know what to expect throughout the day.

It is strange this feeling, breathing is a little more laboured and suddenly no real interest in or ability to do much in the way of work. It is just as if a switch has been thrown and I just feel down although in reality I keep my upbeat thoughts - my body refuses to be as cheerful as I think it should be.

Oh well - here we go again, much as before I just have to get myself into the zone and go with the flow. It is going to happen at their speed not mine and I just need to remember that I'm not in control tomorrow, much as I'd like to be. It is however Friday so maybe they'll push things through a bit quicker so they can get home.

Exercise - the upside

I guess you have to grasp on to anything if you have to do exercise. So here's my upside. My blood pressure is way down and still going down which is just great - so there's the upside. I also do feel much better and a lot fitter plus my weight is coming down gradually which is great too.

Breaking the habit of regular exercise in the next week because of my operation will be hard I think but perhaps I can do some light walking so as not to disturb the scabs that will be in my bladder. We will see I guess.

Run in to Friday

Well - here we go - it's half way through the week and just a few days away from my operation. I'm struggling to keep focussed on my day job at the moment as there is just so much to do. The need for a schedule is pretty key and that is down to me to refine and complete. I hope to spend time after the operation doing that as I won't be mobile and can sit down and just crack on with that.

So much research and work to do it is mind mending stuff. I hope that I can spend my recuperation time in getting some more of that cracked too.

I've some DVDs arriving in the next few days to keep me occupied as well - I'm looking forward to getting my hands on those as it can be pretty boring hanging around doing nothing for hours at a time and whilst I'd like to think I can do some work - I won't be able to sit at my desk for long periods of time for a few days at least.

Run Down to Friday

I am on the run in to Friday and I was out with my friends tonight. It suddenly dawned on me that my friend's father died around this time 4 year ago and I was unable to attend the funeral mainly because of my need to visit the toilet around every 20 or 30 minutes.

I wrote a letter to him and his mother and I remember the guilty feeling I had that I got cancer just as his father - who was such a lovely guy and massive friend to me - was losing his battle with Colon Cancer. It was about this time 4 years ago. I have to admit to being quite upset that I caused even more upset to my friend at that time. He lost his father and I remember calling up to see how things were going and to explain my situation and then realising that my situation could only add to my friend's problems. Suddenly I felt guilty for having contracted my cancer at the same time such a close friend's dad had died of his.

Compliment

My business partner turned up today and took a step back and said "Blimey, you look really well" which is a nice thing to hear. I haven't seen him for 2 weeks and I suppose Ii must be looking a bit tanned after the weekend away and I must be 4 or 5 lbs lighter. It is funny how, all of a sudden, you look slimmer - my stomach is just a belly now not a near full term pregnancy!!!

I went back to exercising tonight and my blood pressure is now way down on even a few weeks ago at 120 over 75 for goodness sake. I used to have 125 as a lower reading (well almost - only kidding). However, it is staggering to see how much it has dropped down in just about 5 weeks or so. I am hoping to continue to slowly drop weight and to get back down to a reasonable weight and I hope that I can achieve really good results by September or October.

Work continues apace and we were bashing out more plans and bits today. It is hard grind and can be quite boring too so it is good when we get together and share out some of the work and see how far we each have got.

I am out tonight with my old school chums. At least I wont be getting any rubbish off of them like I got last week. We shall be enjoying a few beers and I'll be wishing my friend well as he goes off on his Baltic Cruise and follows - roughly - what we did last year.

That was nice

I haven't been to G's Lodge since the day he was initiated and that's a combination of things including my own Lodge of Instruction meets on Monday and I'm relatively senior and have to be there. My treatments, when I had them, happened on a Monday and I was generally in no fit state to go and a million and one other reasons. However, I made it at last. A little early but that was good. Very good as I had to travel by tube in this hot and muggy weather.

As regular readers know I happen to suffer from a couple of worrying character traits and phobias. The phobia that is the worst is claustrophobia and so as you can imagine - a trip on an Underground train is right up there on my list along with drilling a hole in my own head, plunging my body into boiling water and a few other things I could think of. But as I got away from work early I was able to catch the train early and so spend a nice quiet few minutes in a pub in Tufnel Park drinking a rather cheeky Red Beer from Cornwall - Mmmm. It was boiling at the meeting and I managed to get a job to do which I did enjoy. A vegetarian meal was provided and so that also made for an interesting evening. One of G's mates drove me most of the way home which was great he dropped me at a railway station and after 2 minutes wait I caught a train to my local station and a further 2 or 3 minutes later the bus turned up so I was home by 10:30!! which is great. A good result all around.

Pleased that I didn't have any travel issues on the Underground at all - not even shortness of breath so pretty impressed. i did though notice my behaviour about where I sat and how I get on and off these trains, how near I sit to doors and windows etc.

That's strange

My ears are getting longer, my nose has started to twitch a lot and I've taken a rather strange like to carrots. Time to move into the Hutch....

Out all day tomorrow - time to face the wrath of my co-workers for not turning up on Friday after the crazy afternoon of credit card cancelling and all that jazz! What a day Friday was. This Friday coming will also be one of those days too. Scar Wars IX breaks the horizon and I'm trying not to get all emotional about it. In a way, it frightens me that I got a recurrence last time and perhaps there will be something worse there this time. That's why they've brought it forward 3 months so they can check that out. I hope for the best but this time I need to be a little less optimistic about the results so that if it is worse than the results I want, it doesn't come to me as big a shock as it did last time.

Diet will be blown off the rails tomorrow as I am back in the office and they are providing lunch for our meeting and then I am off to a meeting in London, which will be great as I haven't been there for a long time. I just hope they finish at a decent time so I can get home OK. Last time some nice chap gave me a lift back as I was in danger of missing my last train. As I recall - I got a really late bus home - almost the last one!! I have been assured that this time it will not be a late one. Fingers Crossed.

Weight

16 Stones and 3 lbs - which in real money is 227 lbs.  I suppose I shouldn't be surprised about that as the Hospital measured me lower than that on Wednesday and this week I have actually noticed things like my trousers being really loose, my jackets are no longer tight especially around my stomach.  Even my thighs look thinner - if that can possibly be :-)

I'm very pleased - I reckon the weather must also have a lot to do with it - I've been eating (except last night's barbecue) rabbit food all week and just a little fish or meat.  Generally, I eat salads with some sort of fish or have baked potatoes with baked beans and Tuna and some low fat cheese.  I'm still thwacking back cottage cheese and taking my pro-biotic yoghurt drink every morning.  I'm eating lots of fruit and also have dried fruits too.  I have no sugar or sweet things, no crisps, no cakes or anything like that - if I want a snack I go and get a piece of fruit or a stick of celery or some such.  It is slightly more than my target 2lbs a week but I'm sure there are anomalies with the measuring equipment and some sort of plus / minus thing that goes on.

I will have to be careful after I come out of Hospital as I tend to "boredom eat" if Ii am just sat or lying around all day recovering.  If you've not had a Rigid Cystoscopy the main thing is that they insert a large tube up your urethra  which leaves you pretty sore for 24 to 36 hours and uncomfortable for about a week I suppose.  Because they normally take out 6 biopsies from your bladder to examine, and these are cauterised wounds, they scab up and you must be careful to let them heal and they tend to take a few weeks to clear up completely.  Unfortunately you do tend to pee a bit of blood and the odd clot for a few days afterwards and then perhaps up to 2 weeks later can pass some bits.  It isn't painful just unnatural and therefore disturbing.  So as you can imagine, leaping around, doing exercises or any other over exuberent activity is seriously frowned on.  I did some and set myself back - this was probably in early 2007 and I was told just to take it easy.  Things like driving especially a heavy old clutched manual car like mine are also not advisable for the first week or so.

Well, I am pleased with my progress to date and I am pleased that I've changed my eating habits enough to continue to lose weight with the help of my exercises.  I am not expecting too much in the way of loss in the next 3 weeks though.  

Thing are a little cooler

The weather has broken down a bit and with a bit of luck we can spend a day in warm but not humid conditions. Yesterday was almost getting to unbearable and doing anything was difficult. Exercise was right out and so that meant 2 days without doing any. I am out all day tomorrow and so it may not be until Tuesday that I can get back to doing any and then only up until Friday and my operation. I might even consider doing some exercise before going in to hospital - at least my Blood Pressure will be low :-)

I need to go and check out my weight etc in a short while and publish that. I'm hot expecting great things this week especially with a few days missed through the heat.

Too hot to exercise

Saturday was so warm today that it was difficult to do anything but hang around indoors with fans blowing air around. It is too hot to do anything and there was no way Ii was going to tackle any exercise today in case I overdid things.

Feeling OK, a little p1ssed off with yesterday's nonsense with the on-line fraud stuff. An me after all my years in the business too.

Other than that - an easy day just everyone is boiling hot.

So that blew my Exercise and going to London

I spent half the afternoon sorting this out and doing the usual changing passwords and all that good stuff. What a nightmare.

It is boiling tonight and the fans will be working overtime in our rooms to keep us cool. The humidity is through the roof - we just aren't used to it. Hopefully we will get some sleep but it will be difficult.

Come to think of it - doing exercise in this would have been pretty meaningless I cannot imagine it would have been comfortable or constructive.

Roll on the weekend. I need to just enjoy it after the annoyance of today and the brain work I've done and - of course - getting ready for Scar Wars IX next Friday. At least by this time next week it will all be over. I hope it isn't as hot as it is today....

Bugger

Identity theft - what a dumb ass. A long day, it's very warm and I fell for it. At least I knew as soon as I hit the button what it was and blow me - at least we were able to call it in and stop the credit cards straight away. Clever - really clever and I even did some looking around first to see what it was all about. They've been very clever by using a system that points people to their site.

Dear Lord please give me one minute on my own with one of these low life good for nothing waste of oxygen wasters - oh yes - I need a baseball bat - and I can so something about it. Ripping them a new rectum seems somewhat appropriate. So I didn't get to go up to town and have a few drinks with my work colleagues I have gone through all my email accounts and everything else on-line and changed the passwords.

So, let us hope that something very nasty happens to them and they get caught and locked up with the big boys in prison.

One Week Away

This time next week I will be going into shut down mode ready to wander off to the Hospital to have the next procedure. Nine times in 4 years I'll have to set out a chart one day to see the pattern of these visits. I hope my Consultant is there and can get me out on the same day again like last time. It made a big difference to my general well-being. If I can get home on the day I feel 100 times better and can sleep in my own bed rather than in a noisy Hospital Ward.

I hope that this time they bring my bag to me quicker so I can listen to my music if I have to hand around. There is nothing worse than having no book to read or nothing to take your mind off the clicking of the clock on the ward.

Suddenly I feel a bit melancholic about things and I just let out a huge sigh. The thing I have to keep saying is that there was only a pin-prick of a tumour in the bladder which they took out - it was low grade and everywhere else was clear, no cancer, nothing else, just clear. So a minor setback is all it is, being called back in 3 months is a precautionary thing. If they find nothing this time then we move on, if suddenly we have more of a recurrence then another course of action will be needed. Quite what that is has yet to be determined and until something is found isn't necessary.

I expect my mood to get slightly worse over the next week as it draws nearer. Let's hope that it all goes well.

Happier things before then of course, the F1 Grand Prix is at Silverstone this weekend, the World Cup plays its last two games, the Tour de France is under way - only another 2 weeks to go on that. The Open can't be far away either. L has her provisional License ready to tackle driving once her 17th (yes 17th) comes around in August. A is getting ready to go on her 3rd holiday of the summer (poor students) and she is planning on taking us somewhere, not that anyone has actually told me when they are available.

Being a control freak really does have its problems. Talking of which I found this trawling around the Internet which I thought summed it up pretty well:

Makes your blood boil

I can't believe the utter mess this guys has made of a document I spent at least 20 hours making nice after the last time he tackled it. Now he's split it into three documents - 3 - what is he playing at?

I've just delivered the bad news like - if you want my time you really ought to book it and let's face it, he cancelled a whole day of my time last week (or was it the week before). So I didn't get paid for a day that was booked and now I'm doing MY work he wants me to drop that and help him out.

So I've fired off a late email with the news but honestly, we have people needing to review and comment on it by Monday and it may not even be published until late tomorrow night if I can squeeze in trying to repair all the damage done to my original.

Hopefully he will realise that I can't just dangle around waiting for his every whim?

Thrashed on with exercise tonight and got rid of much of the anger that this incident had caused. I hope that I can report a loss of weight on Sunday but A is angling for a barbecue as it is going to be a hot weekend and she bought me 4 beers which are chilling in the fridge. That would utterly kill my diet which again has been mainly rabbit food. I do like though mixing up the salad with fruit and nuts and dried fruit too. Today we had peas in their pods to shell. So lunch was a can of vegetable soup (yes even in this hot weather) a small bowl of peas followed off a little later with a really nice ripe Green Fig. I even had a few cups of tea today - which is very rare for me. I'm a bit of a coffee nut but today it just made a change. With salad this evening with some Mackerel and a few shredded crab sticks, I reckon that I've probably only eaten 1,000 calories at the most maybe less that that. I'm certainly much better with intake of food now and a salad takes me 15 minutes to prepare and I can take at least that long to slowly eat it. It's all about not snacking and filling you face too quickly and eating the right things etc.

I'm still seeing improvements in my Blood Pressure readings and I did jump on the scales tonight to be disappointed that they don't appear to have moved much since Sunday but they didn't read what the Hospital ones did. Maybe I ought to invest in a more accurate weighing device :-) Anyway, I try to only look at my weight on Sunday when I record that, along with my measurements - waist, chest and hips which I enter into a BMI calculation. It shows a gradual decrease in weight but not much discernible in the other measurements excepting that my waist must be getting smaller as my trousers are noticeably looser and my belt is one notch tighter.

I'm feeling a lot better in myself and that's also a good sign I reckon. If you feel good about yourself then your self esteem is up and you start to feel that much better.

I have to sort out tomorrow morning whether to go and sort out this set of documents or not. If I do I set a precedent (which I also do if I don't do them I suppose). He will just have to learn that I am not a resource which you can throw a switch and I'm there.

So let me get this straight

I send you the document I've worked up into great shape 3 weeks ago and you've destroyed it and cut it in half. Then you've damaged all the functionality and the sections and the headers and footers, destroyed all the page numbers, the indexing and we now have two documents because you "think" that is the right thing to do?

We have a meeting on Monday and you really expected me to put it all back together by this evening so it can be issued to the team? Oh and you want to send me the 2nd half of the document to tidy that up too. Of the 120 odd pages that need to be reviewed by the team prior to Monday (and It's Thursday late afternoon now) you felt it was then fair and reasonable that they'd get the document tomorrow some time? Yea right your having a Giraffe (that's laugh in your language).

I have my own business to run and so I may deem to answer this at about 10 tonight and ask why? I was meant to issue the document not spend all my time repairing it tonight. I won't budge either, I've got my stubborn head on as I have been working all day on researching where we can get funds from. It is hard work mapping out all the people you know and where you can get introduced to go and get some finance. The trouble is that we need a lot of money invested in a controlled manner. We have specific requirements and reading some of the hoops you need to go through it makes you wonder how anything actually gets off the ground. The personal costs involved in agreeing terms seem to amount to the actual cost of doing 6 months work - again, they're having a Giraffe too in my estimation.

Right - I've done enough work for now - off to do some exercising and get ready for a relaxing evening.

Friends the good, the bad and the ugly

I like to consider the one great thing about Freemasonry, beyond the moral and charitable foundations is that it is about brotherhood or brotherly love. these 21st Century days those 17th century words probably don't mean what they actually meant when they were first coined and can be twisted somehow and maybe those words need to change a bit. I't isn't love in the way you'd expect it to be described since the 1960s for example.

What it means, of course, is comradeship if you like. What - perhaps it feels like to be on the same side, team spirit, brothers in arms maybe. So tonight's great vibes were when they read out that I was in next week for a small "set back" in my progress and the 9th operation in 4 years. My Almoner, C, has been great and kept his eye on me ever since I've been ill. He reads this blog so knows some of the ups and downs. He is great and I know that he does lots of other visiting things that he never tells anyone about. Such is the mark of the man. So C reported to the Lodge what was going on and the well wishes were and still are quite over whelming. I have to bat these back saying it will be OK, it is only a minor thing, it is no "big Deal" it is the sort of reality that is bladder cancer. I always, and maybe I shouldn't, enjoy explaining how they actually get into my bladder to do this work. "Is it key hole?" they ask. "well - they go in through your penis" kind of kills off the conversation. If you haven't go the wincing by then - well you're just no good at it :-)

The other one is "how did you find out?" - so you say "I went to the toilet and pissed blood all the time" also has about the same squirming effect. I don't actually do the "beat around the bush" stuff for long as people really need to know. They need to be aware and also in some ways to understand the facts that it isn't a death sentence.

So where is this blog going? It is rambling a bit and the reason is that one of my friends, who I have known for a long time, and I've whined about before on this blog, is still driving me bloody nuts. I've known him all my Masonic life and it is because of him I am so involved and yet, when he is in the sh1t and needs our help he doesn't see that we are trying to help. But the reaction is so bad and bitter and everything is wrong about the guy that I can't get near, help or anything. the reason? It appears that it is something to do with I've got things sorted out and I'm OK and somehow it is wrong.

That still doesn't translate well! Let me try this then - You can tell I find it difficult to tackle this because it is a long term friendship but he's just p1ssed everyone off and try as you might, he isn't going to accept your help as he is now in full denial that there is anything wrong. I can't get past the protective shell he has put up and that shell is nasty, aggressive and spiteful and hurtful to his friends. I have to keep trying even though it hurts me I suppose.

So tonight I suggest that I had to take a course of action as I wasn't sure whether he was going to turn up and he rounds on me as if I have done it to hurt him. I have to do these things to get them done and meet targets. He is Mr. Unreliable incarnate and suddenly, because I have had to be pragmatic (and I don't really need to involve him) it is my fault. I'm easing him out. I'm doing something to him. I didn't even need to mention it.

How long do you keep trying for? He is a friend after all but for the last 18 months he has done everything in his power to destroy that and make me the villain and I'm (hopefully) not. He has made so many enemies recently. The girls in my office don't like him and he's upset most of the people I've introduced him to. He just can't help himself. He's even p1ssed off Mrs. F. and that, I can tell you, takes some doing.

So - there you go - love/hate relationship and it's all looking bad and the chap is becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy - he's going down and despite all his friends rallying around, he's turned his back on them too and going to the depths all by himself. I was thinking of a phrase that summed this up and this one does that:

"I’m trying to see things from your point of view, but I can’t get my head that far up your ass!!!"

So back to the blog - the ugly and bad is done. The good are all those who wished me well, looked worried, didn't quite understand that it isn't that serious but they thought it was. The ones who thought I was being brave and yet it's "just the way the cookie crumbles guys" and all that stuff. I sort of spent the time rationalising it the way I rationalise it:

1. It was a tiny, minute tumour
2. the remaining 99.9% of my bladder was clear of cancer and has been for 3+ years
3. You can't treat a tiny, weeny little tumour like that - it was cut-out and is NO LONGER THERE
4. It was low grade, low threat, less than CIS or any other tumour I've had before
5. Decreasing the time between biopsies is best in class behaviour and the right thing to do
6. If they find anything now - they can scrape it out. If they don't we revert back to the original 6 month reviews
7. In 3 months not a lot can happen to a bladder that was left cancer free
8. BC grows slowly and can be controlled

Now I know this - and Steve K in the USA knows this as do many pragmatic sufferers. We live with odds and facts and binary decisions. We also live with "other stuff" that may or may not assist but we rationalise and we decide and we move on from there. We know that this is what happens, that BC is no death sentence to us as we were "caught early". We are constantly monitored and subject to the best western Medicine available.

Of course, our friends don't know this. They think we are "brave", that we are "warriors" and yet we are no different to them. When you get this you decide to live or to die. It is your choice. If you wish to live then you have to undergo many things. Believe me, some of the things I want to live for are very important for me - perhaps see my daughters down the aisle - see them graduate or maybe - though I'm not sure of this - to become a grandparent. I don't know but to me, life is worth all the fighting, the Hospitals, the treatments and all that. What does it mean if you just roll over and "take it up the ........." you fill in whatever blank feels appropriate.

I'm not brave - I do however believe I am an Advocate or Ambassador and show people that Cancer is survivable, something that you tackle with dignity and good humour. That surviving matters, that doing the right thing is the way forward, that you need to have a respect for these things but that you don't fall over cheaply and that you play your part in defeating this scourge to society. Cancer ruins so many lives. It never fails to make me feel humble that I've survived, that I can still fight it, that - compared to many others - I am so lucky to have something that is treatable. My family are older, imagine a younger child or family dealing with this and I do get upset by it.

Now I'm arguing the point I made above about these wonderful people, who aren't directly affected by cancer being worried about me and there is me, worrying about them when, in reality I find seeing anyone else in distress especially young people and young families equally upsetting. The balance is that I've had quite a bit of life and they haven't. It would leave a dent here but my children are older and I hope more resilient.

I like my friends, the good the bad and the ugly I just wish the one person I had so much time for - for over 25 years - can just switch back to being the person I admired and loved so much. Today, I find it so very hard to enjoy his company or to try and have any sort of discussion with. I feel that my energy just drains away and that all attempts to get close are met with a virtual stab in the heart with an ice hardened dagger. It is so sad but what I'm getting to eventually is this nagging in the back of my head and it says:

Look after yourself. Only your survival is important, be selfish for once in your life, do the right thing for yourself and your family. Enjoy your own life and do your own thing. I've not lived by those rules ever. I was brought up to help people and yet the nag nag nag in the back of my head says these things. Look after yourself and your own, sod everyone else. Survival is all.

I fight against this selfish view, rightly I think. But maybe, just maybe there is something here that means - just concentrate on getting yourself right first. You can't help other people if you aren't well enough to do that. You can't keep getting emotionally involved, whipped, beaten up without their being further toll on your health. Be Utterly Selfish and get yourself well. Sod the rest.

That is what my head says and is wrestling with. Sometimes I really hate the way my brain works - it has these arguments and moral battles and no one actually wins out.

Time for bed said Zebedee