It's all about life

I notice that these days - it's all about life, not bladder cancer at all. That may mean nothing to you at all but it might just suggest that there's life after all the worry, depression, treatment, appointments, pain, grunge, waiting, gobbledegook words from doctors, tests, waiting, diagnosis, ups and downs. After a while these things fade away and you just - well - get on with it.

I'm just living again now and getting used to it. Sure I have a completely different temperament and attitude (some would say it is good!) and a different outlook and demeanour. I'm really focussing in on rebuilding and my new business has at its heart a desire to make changes in people's lives - good changes - that's important now.

I've taken a step away from being a victim. I've been through all of that and suddenly, I'm getting my life back. It isn't all plain sailing of course. I have to rebuild relationships, have to accept that some of them will never be rebuilt. I have to get on with things now and stop being the one all this happened to. That's behind me now and I now try to move on each day.

When you've got your life back - it needs you to do something with it. I've got to reinvent myself, I have to get my strength back (you can't believe how much of that mental and physical strength has been depleted). Additionally, you have to stop looking at yourself and your problems and lift your eyes upwards to some new challenges and to set goals that will allow you to conquer your fears, follow your dreams and go forward once more to get on with your life.

This blog has turned from being about bladder cancer and all that went with it to the fallout I still have but more importantly to begin to realise that there are other things out there that need to be tackled and that I can use my experience to bring to bear to solve problems and to help others. High ideals - that's what you should be left with post Bladder Cancer. Targets to strive to achieve, goals and objectives to meet but, more important than all of that is having purpose and to use my skills and experience to change other people's lives. That's what I now strive to achieve and I hope that the business we want to build might attract sufficient funding to allow me to achieve that vision.

Meet the boyfriend

Not mine - my youngest daughter's new young man - well her first as far as I know. Bless him, he is about 6' 5" or 6" I guess and just fits under our door frames. He seems a nice enough young man and so I'm pretty OK with that. A - apart from her first boyfriend - "who brought the vacuum cleaner" was my first reaction to him has had nice young men and now L appears to have met a nice one too. Let's hope so, he certainly appears to have the same sense of humour and interests so I hope they get on well. Shame they are so far apart geographically. He is here for a couple of days and let's see how that goes.

Had a boozy old day today - met a friend who has finally got a job - after a year - I forgot that he drinks but doesn't eat at the same time so I got home absolutely starving and with quite a few beers on board. Luckily I had a 30 minute nap and was able to pull myself together to go out tonight and ended up having a few more beers there too!

I am also out tomorrow and Wednesday. At least tomorrow I am not drinking - I'll be driving so wont touch any.

Wednesday I'll be having a meal and a few glasses of wine. Hopefully that will be the lot for the weekend.

My friend who had the cancer scare became a father yesterday which is fabulous news. Now there are two things to be delighted about for him and his wife. As I said to him - welcome to the land of the poor. As A used to have on her Tee-Shirt "I can spend money faster than you can earn it!" I have no doubt that this remains true to this day.

Weekend

Well it was a good weekend and so much happened. I cam down early Sunday morning to watch the Grand Prix -opened the living room door and there were at least two people sleeping on the floor! So I had to creep back out and watch the begining of the GP on my laptop! I had already had a distrubed night - I'd gone to bed at just gone one - no one was sleeping in the living room then after having seen that the party stuff was cleared up, the doors were locked etc. at 5:20 all I could hear was an alarm which was one of the other house guests - who had forgotten to turn it off.

A had her fancy dress party and all was well. Tomorrow she is off early to go to Paris - I'm sure she will have a lovely time - one of my favourite cities but I also worked there too and so have fond memories of my times there.

I couldn't tell you where the weekend went to its been a spots fest with the GP, Masters Golf and the Paris Roubaix cycling, plus there was the Grand National on Saturday. I don't "do" horse racing at all - I don't really get it. Two horses had to be put down this time! Sport of Kings? Perhaps. I only remember it because my step grandfather died after watching it one year. He had watched the boat race in the morning and the Grand National in the afternoon and passed away peacefully in his chair with the TV still playing just after the race. I have no idea if his horse won or not.

I even squeezed in a few hours work - I was up for doing some yesterday - but in reality I must give over the weekend to myself - I work non stop during the week. This week, however, I intend to take a little easier as I want to consolidate the work of the last month rather than generate new stuff.

Things move on - it's getting exciting now and I hope that we will be getting close to finalising the proposition and moving towards the next phase.

It's Friday Night

Apart from a few hellos and how's your day been - no one has deemed to talk to me tonight so I'm in a house where everyone has gone to bed and not said goodnight and they've left the lights on and everything so I've gone around and sorted that out but - WTF?

I struggle sometimes that everyone's disappeared off to remote areas of the house and they've all locked themselves away in their rooms and that's Friday night done with. It's pretty bad anyway with teenagers and students living in the house - you're lucky to get any noise out of them. Oh well, I shall engage pissed off me mode in the morning and see how they like that?

Perhaps I shouldn't be so sensitive - I imagine a lot of people get it in the neck all the time and here's me saying no one talks to me - maybe I should be pleased about it. However, it's a lonely furrow working day in day out on the business plans and I've no major outlets during the day except my business partner's and my daily conference call.

Ho hum!

Another Cancer Buddy Succumbs

I spoke to him in January / February - he had Colon Cancer but was having all sorts of trouble with platelets and had some transfusions etc. They then diagnosed Leukaemia and unfortunately he died yesterday in a Hospice.

That's pretty tragic as he hadn't long been retired and moved away about 2 years ago. It is very sad and he was a nice guy - I enjoyed his company on many occasions - he was certainly a funny guy and we had a good chat about our experiences with cancer and how tired it made you etc.

Oh dear. I find that my week draws to a close and I have a few minutes left to work and so I decided to just go and grab a beer from the fridge (well as I work at home I can do that!). It has been a hard but very satisfying week and a lot has happened and the business has leapt forward and made real progress which is great. So a beer is a nice reward for a week hard at it.

Of missing emails and merged accounts

So that's what my ISP did!! Merged my account with Mrs. Fs account!!! So they merged our data so that our birthdays and logon details changed!!! You cannot believe it sometimes. Once we'd sorted that the emails for days came flooding in and then locked out for a few hours and are now back working!

Anyway - thanks to my ISP for losing me another 4 or 5 hours of my life! Gits.

Great news on my friend - the lump was benign and he is having antibiotics to sort that out. It all floods back when you think you have a recurrence. I can't even tell you what it is like. If you've never had cancer the initial diagnosis is utterly devastating but you don't know what you are letting yourself in for. Once you've been through all of the treatment and recovery you come out the other side and if you are like me - you forget or conveniently put in to the back of your mind all those experiences.

Now, don't get me wrong, its part of the journey, sometime the treatment feels worse than having the cancer. However, when you get a recurrence the whole lot flashes back into your field of vision again. It makes me feel ill just thinking about it as I did when i got my friend's email earlier.

That's why you should always go for your check ups as they can find stuff and do something straight away with it.

Which reminds me - my check up is due this month sometime!

Phew what a day

It didn't seem that busy but goodness how far we've come in a short time with the business. We finalised the main financial plan today which allows all the plans to be derived from a master set of data.

My plans need some more work as mine feed in to a later overall picture. We have to really step up the pressure once again as it is a funny old month what with Easter being late and the Royal Wedding and days off here there and everywhere in the coming weeks!

At least I have a plan to get on with for the next couple of weeks but my mind is spinning after doing figure work all day.

Well

My friend didn't turn up tonight but I heard he had an operation to remove a growth in his sinus and so is awaiting the outcome of the tests on that. He went through some pretty shitty treatment last time resulting in having his face opened up and the cancer removed. He's a lovely lad and just about to become a father. You know where I'm going with this I'm sure. Why is it that those who do good, work hard, about to bring up a family and all the responsibility that entails have these problems. It's just unfair.

Unfair - that's the word. If there were any justice in the world it wouldn't be him. If you were to sit in judgement and look around the evil things people do you'd sort of want them to suffer and be chosen but somehow it just doesn't seem to happen to them. Sometimes this life is cruel and nonsensical, illogical and just downright upsetting. I'm probably too close to it and not being balanced about it but it does seem to be an unfair distribution and you see tragic cases and it just doesn't make sense.

I said some time ago that I was struggling with why I was "spared" and in some way, I've had a real change in my life these past 5 years. I've spent 2 years working for a charity and now I'm doing something that - if it is successful - may well open up opportunity to all through equal access to the internet. That would be something worthwhile to come out of it. Chosen? Not sure, empathetic to those who lose out - you bet. I'm enjoying the journey a lot although it is getting near to crunch time and we will see if we are barking mad or actually have a good idea.

So What Do You Make of This Song?

I've been listening to Clare Maguire for a few weeks now - she has a superb voice very reminiscent of Alison Moyet and sometimes Kate Bush like too.

She sings a version of Antony and the Johnsons "Hope There's Someone" which is a particularly poignant song as it was playing as I went to have my first operation and the words resonate with me now. I've just listened to "This is Not the End" - here are the lyrics:

"This Is Not The End"

If it be your will to speak
Of memories we often shared
Talk to me of days gone by
Think of love and not despair

And when I’m gone
We’ll meet again
As often do the closest friends
So dry your eyes
And lay me down
I tell you this is not the end

And if someone else
Must take my place
For I’ll be gone the longest time
I’ll wait and I will understand
A heart of thorns must
Leave the mind

But when in time I see your face
The scars will fade
The heart will mend
So dry your eyes
And lay me down
I tell you this is not the end

And from today I wish you joy
From this day I wish you peace
I hope that life will pass you by
As softly as the falling leaves

And when your heart is full again
Raise a glass for me my friend
And dry your eyes
And lay me down
I tell you this is not the end
Oh dry your eyes
And lay me down
I tell you this is not the end

It's fantastic - great lyrics but it always makes me feel very melancholic and sad.

Great Party

Not sure about waking up at 1:30 in the morning asleep in my chair though :-) So A is 21 today and it is Mother's Day too. We had a great party on Saturday and the food went down well and we had enough booze - I'm always worried in case we run out. We don't drink as much as most people although I do like a beer - I don''t actually tend to drink much at home and so we have limited supplies.

Anyway - apparently there is another party next week and that means we are having a marquee erected in the back garden. As friends aren't so bad, Ls friends are younger, a little more brash and a little less 'nice' - but we aren't having her party here so I'm not too worried and the place where we are going has bouncers so they'd better behave themselves - or else :-)

Hopefully we get the new PC tomorrow and I can retire the old PC/Server. I'm just cleaning it up and it can go to a good home for the Samaritans who can refurb and reuse it for their work. With a new PC I am hoping that it wont need the constant attention needed to keep it going especially as it really is too old to handle new programmes and software.

Made it

To As 21st Birthday - well if I last until Sunday that is! Tomorrow is preparation day and Saturday we are having a party with friends and family. I am really looking forward to that and I hope she has a great day. Twenty-one years - it hardly seems possible that it has been that long but it has.

I am now pleased that I'm here to see it - at one time that felt like it may not happen and I was cut up about "not being there" for the kids. They are no longer kids and I guess that they'd be able to function quite well without me given their ages of 21 and 18.

In a way, I feel very happy and I'm looking forward to a party and having people around. I miss the old days. Somehow, we don't have people around anymore and we don't go many places. Either I'm not up for it or Mrs. F. isn't. I have made it a policy to try and do more this year and I'm not working too much tomorrow as I want to do the cooking for Saturday and preparation work. I want As party to go off with a bang.

I'm quite pleased about one thing though. Since getting the new router installed I've actually been able to get the computers all networked - or it seems to have. Of course now I've got a new PC arriving on Monday to replace the big household server but that should be fine - I hope that it will improve things all round. I've been backing up that machine - as I am now back in my real office next door to it. Hopefully that will be easy enough to sort out on Monday when it arrives. Of course - these things always take a lot longer than they should with all the messing about.

Somehow I have to move all my old emails from that machine to another one. Not easy but I guess I'll manage it. I have just realised that I haven't really looked at many of these since Christmas time so I had better catch up with them and get them moved ASAP.

Feeling OK and in a happy place at the moment but getting worried about my friend as I haven't heard anything yet.

Time to ramp down

And take my equipment out of my temporary office downstairs in the dining room and transport it back to me real office upstairs. It is As 21st Birthday party on Saturday and we are going to spend the day (Friday) cleaning the house and getting ready. It looks as if I will be doing some cooking tomorrow which will be nice.

I've moved most things excepting the PC up now and it looks a bit bare down here :-)

The business stuff is getting gutty and hard as we try and find examples of what businesses have allowed for various parts of their infrastructure and staffing, insurance, utility bills etc. So far it has been pretty difficult to find enough evidence to put in our business plans but gradually we are finding things. Sometimes, even with the internet, you just cannot find stuff.

I'm hoping that we should soon be able to nail down the business plans - I've just done two pieces of work that have frightened the daylights out of me and the financial investments look incredible but they returns look to be worthwhile. Now to complete the maths and go find an investor or two :-)

Feeling a little tired but will be having a celebratory weekend with A for her 21st Birthday and lots of people coming over so that will be nice. Looking forward to it.

Late and time for bed

I found today one of those head buzzing days when I appeared not to have done a lot but on reflection found I'd covered lots of ground. It started out with half a morning lost to setting up a new internet connection which is now happily effected and working rather nicely and seems to be working at some speed too. Which is good. All PCs are migrated over and a new PC is on its way to relieve Mrs. F. of using the old Evesham that now requires winding up like an old fashioned gramophone to get it working and then only in slow motion replay mode!

I will spend some time clearing that down and installing the new one early next week and I hope that it will prove to be a good move and that not only will she be able to use a fast computer but also it will network with this PC and I can print from anywhere in the house once again and share files across the back up systems.

It is a bit annoying to say the least that it no longer works seamlessly - hopefully next week.

It sounds as if a friend may have had a relapse - I'm waiting to hear officially what has happened. It terrifies me to think he may have cancer again. He's a lot younger and it just isn't fair is it? Then again, looking around the world today, not a lot is fair. I've just realised that my blog is backed up to the old PC so I'd better back it up to here too just in case I lose it in the transfer. I'd hate to lose this lot.

The trouble with customer service is that

It isn't service is it? Yesterday - or was it Monday - I was told that I needed a new router as we had an old fashioned set top box and that the latest would save us money - so a new router, faster speed and less money - a no brainer!

At 9 am this morning - no internet service - huh? So I go check it all out and yep - no internet service at all, tried everything, did all the testing etc. As luck would have it before I got really angry a man turned up with a box and inside was a new router, cables and everything I needed. I had already pulled out the TV exposing the cabling point etc. I got to work and within 5 minutes all was connected, splitter installed, modem/router connected all lights flashing etc. Good. The instructions said ring up this number and get connected. After listening to the welcome message and going through a series of steps it then said have your account number ready? So I had to stop the call and go find that. Then when I get through they will only speak with the account holder. Finally we get past that then they want a password. So I say - can you see my phone number? Yes well is it from the account? So we eventually do some more stuff and I say that why would I want to power up the modem/router they sent me as if I was someone else. So we go through all of that and finally, it kicks into life and I'm happy, at last, as it works pretty much out of the box and appears to be faster.

I just hope that it is more reliable than the last router. It should be faster and with a bit of luck, next week, when I get the new computer, it will also be networked around the house once more!

Fun - it isn't :-)

Reflections

Tonight I chatted with the chap I had quite an altercation with last year and it's interesting that now his wife has died that he comes along on Monday nights and joins in with us. Bless him he is a bit dotty and a little bit slow on the pick up of the "in jokes" but I never have been an in your face comedian operating as I do on the borders of the pythonesque and have a barbed, surreal and pretty nasty sense of humour.

What's nice is that we have buried the hatchet and there is no animosity about the wee altercation we had. He was at his most engaging this evening and that pleased me as I don't like to have some sort of ongoing feud with the man.

He hadn't realised that I'd had cancer and so we chatted about that and he spoke at length about his wife and the pent up problems he had and so I suggested that he might like to consider writing a journal to get it out of his system. I explained about this blog and how useful it had been to me. Now I feel a little guilty as perhaps I should have been writing it, as an author would do, for their audience but the truth be told, it is for my own use and my own purposes. It's pretty much as I see things day to day. I certainly hope everyone who reads this are better balanced than I am, in better health and have slightly more sanity than I do :-) No really I do. I've been on one hell of a ride this past 5 years - I've had stuff happen to me that just defies logic and has taken me to the highest and lowest ebbs of my life. I'm glad you may be reading this but I do find it terribly self indulgent and perhaps that's why it works for me but may never work as a true cancer blog. I'm off loading on you not actually giving you anything in return.

I found that the most amazing thing these days is the swing between good and bad days, mediocre days and those when you are flying. I'm in a "good place" at the moment. Spring is here, new life and flowers and buds and blossoms everywhere - it's really nice. In July we - or I - or my business partner and I are going to celebrate our 5 year survival - we aren't sure what we are going to do but it will be something....

When I was 50 I survived that by living 1 year beyond diagnosis. I've had an amazing 4 years since. Time to celebrate.

Business is getting closer and closer. We either will or will not progress further with it by July. I feel as close as we have ever been to delivering the plans and so I/We continue to push forward. It's getting really hard now as we do tha last mile but it certainly feels like the right thing to do still and after the best part of 3 hours conference calling today - I sure hope that it is worth it. It's feeling more corporate too. Planned conference calls between us and Europe, meetings and individual calls, trips to hotels and meeting rooms. Perhaps we can just make this happen - I do hope so.

Well it's time for bed and I need to be up and running first thing tomorrow - lots to do and lots of things to discuss and agree, document and improve on.

Blogging Less

I guess that having little to say means that I'm not rushing to the blog and scribbling down once or more a day these days. I suppose we can take from that the lesson that things return to a normal state after a while and I don't suppose I've thought too much about BC in the past few days or thought to blog at all. It was the return of the F1 Grand Prix and I was out most of Saturday. That was nice except for one moment when I got too hot and wanted to flee from the meeting. I've noticed that a lot it's a bit of the claustrophobia and these sorts of "hot flush" events that I get. Generally I feel warmer than I ever did following the treatment (I think) and I don't tend to feel the cold as much but I do feel hot offices and buildings and it was almost unbearable on Saturday. I had it happen in a couple of meetings this year and so I need to be especially careful about it. It even happened a week or so ago at one of our practice meetings. the trouble is that I feel feint and very uncomfortable. I get a little panicky but generally I am able to control it through breathing etc.

I've been having some wild dreams these past weeks. As we begin to pull together the shape and scale of the business we can now see how big it is and how challenging, this triggers off all sorts of new thoughts and ideas and they manifest in dreams and nightmares. These are amazingly clear and the people and their voices are accurate and very real. Of course the situations and landscapes may not be. However, if I remember them, I can tell that they are to do with aspects of the business, areas of concern and they deal with success and failure as well as working on complex ideas and aspects of the business.

At the moment, I'm a bit worried about my health - it was the Census at the weekend and it was amusing that my wife put me down as being in 'Fair' health not 'Good'. I wasn't too sure if I agreed with that but I suppose, given the last 5 years of problems - that would be about as accurate as we can manage. I wonder if I will be around for the next Census in 2021? I need to get back into eating properly and doing some exercise again as I've easily put back on 1/2 stone and need to lose that. I'm blaming the winter. I hope that as it is now getting brighter and warmer that I will start to come out of this quite depressing winter period and get motivated again. I can also start to migrate away from all the heavy winter foods towards some salads again now it is warm enough to have them.

Later this week it will be A's 21st birthday - I can't believe it has been that long - it seems to have flashed by. We will be having a family party this weekend and then A is off to Paris with her boyfriend - that will be nice - I love Paris and at this time of year it is truly magnificent. After Vancouver and Brussels - I wouldn't mind working there again, I enjoyed my times there and whilst sometimes the people can be a bit off (like they can in London) it isn't bad and the centre is full of wonderful historic buildings. She should enjoy that.

Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz

That's my head that is :-) Wow - so many figures and spreadsheets - my eyes are blurry after a day hard at the figures and getting the business plans sorted out.

Hard work but enjoyable as finally we start to see the figures materialising and the whole thing taking some sort of form and gradually taking shape.

It's been a long time and we aren't there yet. It's a bit pareto like and the last 20% is going to take 80% of the effort - but hopefully not the duration. We are getting so close you can taste the cream cakes and coffee :-)

But that's enough for today - my eyes really are glazing over with the concentration of it all. So off to sit and watch the TV I think.

Hard Work

Never hurt anyone. Yesterday was one of those good days when the business turned a massive corner as we populated the business plan and things started to make sense (at last) and things like staff levels became clearer and we started to get a handle on costs and revenues.

Which made the series of dreams last night completely explainable as these were all in the future, building the business, attending meetings, things falling in to place and actually getting somewhere.

Feeling good and just about to get flying into the next sections of my work. It's all starting to come together and not before time :-)

Another

A friend - not a close one - but I've known him for some time and he told me about 18 months ago that he had Lung Cancer but had suffered a series of illnesses along the way died Saturday night. We got an email saying so today and telling us that the funeral details will be out soon.

I think email has helped inform us about such things and to circulate details of the funeral arrangements etc is good. It is a little non-personnel but often we have missed such events in the past as someone forgot to ring etc. It was perhaps though a little unforgivable to copy in the dead person's email address! Then for someone to explain about the deceased's wife's mental state copied to all in a response no matter how well thought it is hardly excusable as the family may well pick up that email.

It's not going to be the last this year unfortunately and there are a few more with equally bad diagnosis. I do hope that the words used and the way that email is handled might be a little more thoughtful from those who act before the think. This is one of those times where a little thought and a check of the email addresses before sending of "their opinion" would have paid dividends.

A good day for me earlier. Met up with an old friend and it looks as if we might be able to do some business together. Fingers Crossed.

Monday

A quiet morning - thank goodness - I've got to drive over to West of London a little later to meet a friend. I haven't seen him for about 4 1/2 years I suppose. He came to see me after my second operation as he was in the country and I couldn't get over to see him.

He is in the UK for a few days and we arranged to meet. It will be nice to see him as he is a really nice guy and it will be interesting to see what he makes of our new business which is actually why I contacted him in the first place.

Having to re-build the team means I can go and talk to people I know well and check out their availability. There is a lot of work to be done in a short space of time and having the right people involved and ones that I know their capabilities will be great.

The measure of this guy is obviously that he came out of his way on a business trip to see how I was and meet up with me. Not many people would have done that. I'm looking forward to meeting up with him again and catching up. Let's hope that our Orbital Motorway (M25) isn't being the outer London Car Park today!