Of myself - I have a tendency to overdo things occasionally - today it was a few beers. I went into meltdown and just wanted to have an afternoon full of drinking beer. It was a good day for it, clear and sunny and I had a couple of beers followed by a few more. I texted Mrs. F. that I was in the pub which was a clear sign that I wanted her to actually be there to stop me and so I could go home. I know how strange that seems but I did manage to talk to her and "off load" a few of my pent up issues about my dad mainly.
It's one of the strange traits I have - every now and then I have to go out and "purge the devil" as we used to call it. It is a blatant act of self harm I think :-) I'm actually not drunk or anything I'm just annoyed that I needed to do it - but it isn't binge drinking - just a safety valve in a way.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
A Little Good News
Dad is on Insulin and they are managing to peg down his blood sugars a bit. He is doing OK and is brighter and ate a bit more and didn't sleep as much so an improvement. However, it was stressed that the hospital are only keeping him comfortable at the moment and doing what was necessary to keep him that way.
My news is interesting as one of the old businesses I used to work for suggested that I might like to come and do some work for them again. That would be interesting as I enjoyed working there before. I could do this part time or full time permanent or temporary so - I've asked to start discussions. It may not be exactly what I want but it is something I can do in the short term and see if I feel up to it long term. It was the job I was in when I was diagnosed. As my business partner said "As one door closes another one opens... that applies to old doors not just new ones..."
With the 6 years experience I now have I should be able to bring something else to the party now. I am also meeting someone else tomorrow who has an interesting proposition and so things are slowly taking shape.
My news is interesting as one of the old businesses I used to work for suggested that I might like to come and do some work for them again. That would be interesting as I enjoyed working there before. I could do this part time or full time permanent or temporary so - I've asked to start discussions. It may not be exactly what I want but it is something I can do in the short term and see if I feel up to it long term. It was the job I was in when I was diagnosed. As my business partner said "As one door closes another one opens... that applies to old doors not just new ones..."
With the 6 years experience I now have I should be able to bring something else to the party now. I am also meeting someone else tomorrow who has an interesting proposition and so things are slowly taking shape.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Change of diet for a short while
I found that I was finding it difficult coming off a cheat day back to the diet and just wasn't eating properly the day following the cheat. Last week, I actually maintained my weight despite being at my mums and whilst eating healthily I was eating all the wrong things and of course this weekend with a slap up meal on Sunday I wasn't exactly feeling ready to get back to the diet as I just don't feel like eating at all in the mornings. I've just had a brunch type meal at 11:15 and then decided it was because I ought to. It is very hot this week and so I don't tend to eat much when it is warm, perhaps that is the reason. Whatever it is, I am going to eat sensibly this week and then return to the diet in a week or so.
Deciding what to do next
I've been distracted today so one day out of my planning has disappeared. I have no doubt that I will get interrupted tomorrow as well - it is just one of those things that happen I guess. I really need to put some serious time into doing some of my accounts and also I need to make some appointments etc. The trouble is that I am trying to keep things clear in case something happens to my dad. Of course that rules out just about everything that may happen except 2 key appointments I have to keep. Everything else will be a matter of people having to live with me not being there for once.
Monday, May 28, 2012
How do I feel?
It is funny that I forgot all about myself being ill last week - except when it came up in conversation and over the weekend I met up with a number of people who remember how ill I was all those years back. It is strange because I've only very recently started to feel well in myself again after all this time. I've been looking at my progress and the diet has brought about a smaller and fitter me and I'm not feeling as exhausted or not quite with it. It is so difficult to put your finger on one thing. It was like talking about my dad's illness. He just didn't feel right but the changes were so gradual and any symptoms were not easy to see. Gradually over a long time things changed down to going out, going away on holiday and other imperceptible things.
SO if there is a wellness factor I'd put myself at about 85% at the moment in terms of how I feel about myself and how well I feel inside. I've still got a fair way to go but I'm feeling just fine at the moment.
I think that the situation with dad is a little strange - I have no experience of what it is like to have one of your parents die and so at the moment whilst I'm resigned to the fact that it is going to happen I haven't really been too overly stressed or phased by things. They will be what they will be and I suppose I'll just have to tackle it at the time and as it comes. I think it will be dealing with the living that will be the problem. I tend to have a view that things will come to pass and that life has run its course and realistically we are all heading to the same fate. There's no one can cheat this one, no money or anything else will stop the inevitability of it. It is just what happens to you and the later (sometimes) the better. When your work here is done, it's time to move on. I had some interesting chats with my mum. She has some views that I certainly don't about death and also how people use words. She objected to her brother's son calling his remains "the body". I suggested that a body isn't the person, just the shell and outward manifestation and that the "soul" (if I can call it that) and the body combined are the person. Dad's still dad, his mind is OK but terribly confused at the moment. He looks 100 and yet he is just 82. His body is falling apart and that's the problem. Of course, that is just my view and there are others of course who might argue with that but we deal with it the way we need to.
I'm therefore in an interesting place with how I'm feeling about dad's illness. In some ways, and PLEASE don't think me wicked or heartless, I'd like him to go to sleep and there be an end to it. Of course I don't want him dead but neither do I want to see him suffering and being "kept alive" by professionals sworn to uphold life when it really isn't going to benefit him or when it is going to make whatever suffering he has now go on any longer. In a way that would be better and yet who am I to request it? I think he would request it too if he could. I've already accepted what is about to happen and the stress of last week was that I could not assist directly (I'm sure there was some relief to my mum and dad might have been pleased to see me) but it was watching him just lying there, helpless that was more concerning and telling him that I wasn't allowed to move him in and out of bed in case I hurt him. He didn't get it but if you would have seen him it was obvious that you could easily damage him - he is so frail.
Anyway, the upshot of this is that I'm just waiting to hear how things are and to work on getting back up when called on. I battle with the feelings of wanting to be there and supporting but, as my mum said, they knew that they were moving away from us and that it wouldn't be possible for me to do that. I guess that is true and I know I've argued long and hard about that but if I need to forgive myself anything it is that I cannot be there everyday and that I can only do what I can do, my family are here and that's where MY priorities must be. I often find my brother and sister-in-laws attitude about this laughable in this area as they remind me of all the support they give my parents and yet in this vast country, when they moved, they are 5 minutes walk away! The making me feel guilty trip is used - I'm not sure it is in a vindictive way - but always makes me laugh as my brother once told me of his wage cut. He took a wage cut that was the total of my wages for the whole year and at the moment the "Which bit of I haven't earn't anything in 2 years do you not understand?" always makes me chuckle :-) He was telling me how much he'd spent on equipment for dad (frames, wheelchair, lift and other such stuff). I think it is "guilt" money, he's bought dad a Guitar, Clarinet and Harmonica and loads of other stuff too. Why? It's not as he would have the strength let alone the inclination to play them?
It will be interesting to see how the relationship progresses. He has managed to p*ss my mum off too and perhaps just needs to turn on supportive rather than confrontational mode! I think he is dealing very badly with the whole situation and isn't accepting things for what they are. Another thing to deal with on my list :-)
SO if there is a wellness factor I'd put myself at about 85% at the moment in terms of how I feel about myself and how well I feel inside. I've still got a fair way to go but I'm feeling just fine at the moment.
I think that the situation with dad is a little strange - I have no experience of what it is like to have one of your parents die and so at the moment whilst I'm resigned to the fact that it is going to happen I haven't really been too overly stressed or phased by things. They will be what they will be and I suppose I'll just have to tackle it at the time and as it comes. I think it will be dealing with the living that will be the problem. I tend to have a view that things will come to pass and that life has run its course and realistically we are all heading to the same fate. There's no one can cheat this one, no money or anything else will stop the inevitability of it. It is just what happens to you and the later (sometimes) the better. When your work here is done, it's time to move on. I had some interesting chats with my mum. She has some views that I certainly don't about death and also how people use words. She objected to her brother's son calling his remains "the body". I suggested that a body isn't the person, just the shell and outward manifestation and that the "soul" (if I can call it that) and the body combined are the person. Dad's still dad, his mind is OK but terribly confused at the moment. He looks 100 and yet he is just 82. His body is falling apart and that's the problem. Of course, that is just my view and there are others of course who might argue with that but we deal with it the way we need to.
I'm therefore in an interesting place with how I'm feeling about dad's illness. In some ways, and PLEASE don't think me wicked or heartless, I'd like him to go to sleep and there be an end to it. Of course I don't want him dead but neither do I want to see him suffering and being "kept alive" by professionals sworn to uphold life when it really isn't going to benefit him or when it is going to make whatever suffering he has now go on any longer. In a way that would be better and yet who am I to request it? I think he would request it too if he could. I've already accepted what is about to happen and the stress of last week was that I could not assist directly (I'm sure there was some relief to my mum and dad might have been pleased to see me) but it was watching him just lying there, helpless that was more concerning and telling him that I wasn't allowed to move him in and out of bed in case I hurt him. He didn't get it but if you would have seen him it was obvious that you could easily damage him - he is so frail.
Anyway, the upshot of this is that I'm just waiting to hear how things are and to work on getting back up when called on. I battle with the feelings of wanting to be there and supporting but, as my mum said, they knew that they were moving away from us and that it wouldn't be possible for me to do that. I guess that is true and I know I've argued long and hard about that but if I need to forgive myself anything it is that I cannot be there everyday and that I can only do what I can do, my family are here and that's where MY priorities must be. I often find my brother and sister-in-laws attitude about this laughable in this area as they remind me of all the support they give my parents and yet in this vast country, when they moved, they are 5 minutes walk away! The making me feel guilty trip is used - I'm not sure it is in a vindictive way - but always makes me laugh as my brother once told me of his wage cut. He took a wage cut that was the total of my wages for the whole year and at the moment the "Which bit of I haven't earn't anything in 2 years do you not understand?" always makes me chuckle :-) He was telling me how much he'd spent on equipment for dad (frames, wheelchair, lift and other such stuff). I think it is "guilt" money, he's bought dad a Guitar, Clarinet and Harmonica and loads of other stuff too. Why? It's not as he would have the strength let alone the inclination to play them?
It will be interesting to see how the relationship progresses. He has managed to p*ss my mum off too and perhaps just needs to turn on supportive rather than confrontational mode! I think he is dealing very badly with the whole situation and isn't accepting things for what they are. Another thing to deal with on my list :-)
Situation Unchanged
Dad was stable and unchanged yesterday - perhaps a bit brighter now that blood sugars are brought down a bit more. However, the next few days will determine the next steps from here.
He's been remarkable under the circumstances and despite having an operation to better his quality of life, I don't see that it actually has other than keeping the infections away and he has not been able to do much at all in these 6 months or more. Thank goodness for TV!
I guess that I will hear more this week on what is going to happen. We have the 4 day weekend coming up for the Queen's 60th Diamond Jubilee which now shows how old I am because I remember the 25th when we had a great time :-) Amazing!
The trouble with that is that I am committed to a meeting on Friday and working at an event on Saturday and we have a street party here on the Monday. Phew! Lots going on and the week after doesn't get any better.
He's been remarkable under the circumstances and despite having an operation to better his quality of life, I don't see that it actually has other than keeping the infections away and he has not been able to do much at all in these 6 months or more. Thank goodness for TV!
I guess that I will hear more this week on what is going to happen. We have the 4 day weekend coming up for the Queen's 60th Diamond Jubilee which now shows how old I am because I remember the 25th when we had a great time :-) Amazing!
The trouble with that is that I am committed to a meeting on Friday and working at an event on Saturday and we have a street party here on the Monday. Phew! Lots going on and the week after doesn't get any better.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Not bright today
Feel a little wiped out with the journey and the bed side vigil stuff. Can't say that it was great to go all the way up there and not to meet my brother and sister-in-law at all in the 4 days I was there. That should, I think, explain volumes about the situation.
So - at home, No.2 daughter has arrived back from University and the house is buzzing once again. She is the lively one compared to the eldest but the eldest has the more subtle sense of humour. Anyway, all home and nice to see her and the utter mayhem the house is in :-)
Off to bed now as I have a big day tomorrow for our family lunch and suppose I ought to work out what I am going to say for the presentation.
So - at home, No.2 daughter has arrived back from University and the house is buzzing once again. She is the lively one compared to the eldest but the eldest has the more subtle sense of humour. Anyway, all home and nice to see her and the utter mayhem the house is in :-)
Off to bed now as I have a big day tomorrow for our family lunch and suppose I ought to work out what I am going to say for the presentation.
Good Journey Back and Headache
I know that the headache is stress related - it has been a full on 4 days. Dad's condition is pretty concerning and he drifts in and out of conciousness and displays all the signs of uncontrolled diabetes. I'm not sure if that is the way of it in terms of Pancreatic Cancer but I guess it probably is. We were looking at the problems of getting him home and the key one is strength - he just doesn't have any although yesterday was the best I've seen him for the whole of the four days and he was able to move with assistance and instruction.
I feel very sorry for him because his mind is still there but very mushy and he is in some pain although they are controlling it. It hurts him to move and that needs a bit more control. In a way I'm glad I'm home as the monotony of the days and dad's irritability (we all would be in that much distress) hurts those close to him without I suppose him realising it. No one likes to see their family in pain, wasting away, not eating properly etc. At least he had a good go at his food and drank a lot more yesterday. Long may that continue.
I have no idea whether things are good or bad but I do fear that it will not take much to tip the balance to bad given where he is and the knife edge of diabetic control.
Well - I've the headache from hell and I'm looking to do little today except watch the qualifying for the Monaco Grand Prix, listen to the Cricket and have a beer or three.
I feel very sorry for him because his mind is still there but very mushy and he is in some pain although they are controlling it. It hurts him to move and that needs a bit more control. In a way I'm glad I'm home as the monotony of the days and dad's irritability (we all would be in that much distress) hurts those close to him without I suppose him realising it. No one likes to see their family in pain, wasting away, not eating properly etc. At least he had a good go at his food and drank a lot more yesterday. Long may that continue.
I have no idea whether things are good or bad but I do fear that it will not take much to tip the balance to bad given where he is and the knife edge of diabetic control.
Well - I've the headache from hell and I'm looking to do little today except watch the qualifying for the Monaco Grand Prix, listen to the Cricket and have a beer or three.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Preparation for the day
Sat here on the PC just whiling away a while before we prepare to go off to see my dad. For me this is the last time I'll see him for a while or may be the last time I see him? That's a concern. I just don't know how he is getting on and whether this is a short term glitch or not.
It will be a long day and hopefully he will be a little bit better than yesterday and perhaps they may have gotten his blood sugars under some control. I'm not the optimist that my mum and brother are about his recovery but we will see, stranger things have happened but he is very very weak.
I am going home later today and I do worry that it may be a call next time that brings me here not a planned trip. Whatever it is, I do hope that he stops suffering as soon as possible he looks so poorly and so helpless and I've never seen him looking so thin and weak, it just isn't the big powerful man I knew - it's still him but not anything like he has always been. Doesn't sound right does it - can't explain it in writing at the moment.
It will be a long day and hopefully he will be a little bit better than yesterday and perhaps they may have gotten his blood sugars under some control. I'm not the optimist that my mum and brother are about his recovery but we will see, stranger things have happened but he is very very weak.
I am going home later today and I do worry that it may be a call next time that brings me here not a planned trip. Whatever it is, I do hope that he stops suffering as soon as possible he looks so poorly and so helpless and I've never seen him looking so thin and weak, it just isn't the big powerful man I knew - it's still him but not anything like he has always been. Doesn't sound right does it - can't explain it in writing at the moment.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Another LONG day
Poor mum she is exhausted but not as exhausted as having dad home - and there's no way he could possibly come home he really cannot move well and needs assistance in and out of bed, he cannot stand and is SO weak it is not nice to see him like this.
He was a bit better today and there was a little bit better colour in his cheeks and face generally and he was a little livelier although not for long. He certainly has been through the mill and he just can't do anything for himself and after 30 or 40 minutes with us, he has to close his eyes and sleep. He's just had one thing after another and he's tired and bless him, just fed up with this ongoing stuff.
Trying to rationalise it with him is difficult because you can't talk logic and sense slowly and deliberately when half way through his attention is taken by something else or he just falls asleep. That's the problem, he wants to know about something but half way through the explanation he is distracted.
My brother needs to "man up" and stop being an arse to my mum or he will get the rough end of my tongue - he's in complete denial and over reacts massively. Anyway, he may get a "bit of a slap" if he continues to lay down the law to my mum as he does at the moment - he's full of medical knowledge but - of course - he's no doctor! Just because he works at a Hospital doesn't make him an expert on Pancreatic Cancer or Diabetes. He will be getting the benefit of my wisdom soon if he continues to upset my mum!
He was a bit better today and there was a little bit better colour in his cheeks and face generally and he was a little livelier although not for long. He certainly has been through the mill and he just can't do anything for himself and after 30 or 40 minutes with us, he has to close his eyes and sleep. He's just had one thing after another and he's tired and bless him, just fed up with this ongoing stuff.
Trying to rationalise it with him is difficult because you can't talk logic and sense slowly and deliberately when half way through his attention is taken by something else or he just falls asleep. That's the problem, he wants to know about something but half way through the explanation he is distracted.
My brother needs to "man up" and stop being an arse to my mum or he will get the rough end of my tongue - he's in complete denial and over reacts massively. Anyway, he may get a "bit of a slap" if he continues to lay down the law to my mum as he does at the moment - he's full of medical knowledge but - of course - he's no doctor! Just because he works at a Hospital doesn't make him an expert on Pancreatic Cancer or Diabetes. He will be getting the benefit of my wisdom soon if he continues to upset my mum!
Long, long days
It sure is a long day. We leave here at 1, park around 1:30 and then wander via the coffee shop up to the ward. That is open in this ward from 2:30 and in the previous one at 2:00 !! We then stay until around 5, go out for 2 hours and have something to eat and generally sit around and go back between 7:00 and 8:00. It is easier to stay there than to do the 1 hour round trip here and back.
Dad is generally up and down, they don't know whether he will be fit to return home or not and his blood sugar levels are all over the place. This means he can be good and bad all within the space of a half hour. He sleeps a lot which is good (in a way) but the hospital is so noisy and he is often woken up for a test or to check temperature etc.
Dad is generally up and down, they don't know whether he will be fit to return home or not and his blood sugar levels are all over the place. This means he can be good and bad all within the space of a half hour. He sleeps a lot which is good (in a way) but the hospital is so noisy and he is often woken up for a test or to check temperature etc.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Another Day in Paradise
I'm absolutely knackered - doing nothing just sitting around all day is tiring as hell. Dad was good when we arrived - a bit confused but otherwise OK and taking a bit more interest. A little later when we went back to see him he was very irritable and tired. His blood sugars were all over the place which wasn't good. So they gave him some Insulin and he just slept for the last hour.
They are going to move him, when a bed becomes available, to a local convalescent (and palliative) care hospital, so we just have to wait for that bed. Local will be good as the journey and the time we are at the Hospital is quite long.
They are going to move him, when a bed becomes available, to a local convalescent (and palliative) care hospital, so we just have to wait for that bed. Local will be good as the journey and the time we are at the Hospital is quite long.
Not what I expected
It's one of those very strange moments where everyone has warned you how someone looks and you fear the worst but in effect, it isn't as bad in some-ways as you thought but in others it is. My dad looked like my dad, he was thin and he is looking very old now but it was still my dad. He is though getting quite annoyed. Annoyed at no one knowing what is wrong with him and just being helpless. He's not really been helpless and at the moment it is distressing to see how much nursing assistance he needs. He has some moments of fun but you're never quite sure if he is being sarcastic, ironic or annoyed and showing it.
He has been moved to a ward that should be able to deal with him a bit better than the previous one. The problem is that we can't actually find out what is going on as the professionals come around in the morning and speak to dad and by the time we have arrived he has forgotten what was said or has confused it with what they were saying to the chap in the bed next door to him.
Back again in a few hours - these are long days as dad goes in and out of sleep and he talks quietly in a noisy place and so gets angry when you don't understand what he is saying.
He has been moved to a ward that should be able to deal with him a bit better than the previous one. The problem is that we can't actually find out what is going on as the professionals come around in the morning and speak to dad and by the time we have arrived he has forgotten what was said or has confused it with what they were saying to the chap in the bed next door to him.
Back again in a few hours - these are long days as dad goes in and out of sleep and he talks quietly in a noisy place and so gets angry when you don't understand what he is saying.
Monday, May 21, 2012
What on earth am I going to find?
Well I will see tomorrow as I'm off to visit my dad. Will get away nice and early to miss the rush hour traffic and get breakfast with mum and give her someone to talk to for a while. I doubt she has had the opportunity to get it off her chest.
Sister-in-law called to give me a heads-up on how dad looks which is pretty grim from what I can understand. He's pretty grumpy and pretty fed up which also doesn't surprise me so I hope that he is a little more with it tomorrow and I have to remember to hear him out as apparently he does take a while to say what he means and goes off on tangents.
They are still trying to sort him out in terms of blood sugar levels as well as clearing up slight infections. We don't know what the Hospital wants to suggest about coming home although, from what I hear, that is unlikely as he can barely stand up at the moment and can only do one or two steps and refused physio earlier today.
I have volunteered to go up for three days but have packed for 5 which I can just about achieve as I need to be back for Sunday as we have a Sunday Lunch booked at a rather nice Hotel and I have to do a presentation. Next year it will be my family Sunday lunch as President. Mind you if I have to cancel so be it. Some things may be more important of course.
Difficult to know much more until I get there really.
Sister-in-law called to give me a heads-up on how dad looks which is pretty grim from what I can understand. He's pretty grumpy and pretty fed up which also doesn't surprise me so I hope that he is a little more with it tomorrow and I have to remember to hear him out as apparently he does take a while to say what he means and goes off on tangents.
They are still trying to sort him out in terms of blood sugar levels as well as clearing up slight infections. We don't know what the Hospital wants to suggest about coming home although, from what I hear, that is unlikely as he can barely stand up at the moment and can only do one or two steps and refused physio earlier today.
I have volunteered to go up for three days but have packed for 5 which I can just about achieve as I need to be back for Sunday as we have a Sunday Lunch booked at a rather nice Hotel and I have to do a presentation. Next year it will be my family Sunday lunch as President. Mind you if I have to cancel so be it. Some things may be more important of course.
Difficult to know much more until I get there really.
First Day
That I have not been working on the business for 2 years - strange feeling and of course a little sad but would you believe as one door closes another opens - or three in fact so far. People that I know want to chat to about new ventures they are involved in and another is a possible insight into funding through the EU although given their problems at the moment that could be fraught with difficulty. Mind you there does appear to be some interesting projects being dealt out from there.
I'm just preparing the way for going to my parents place tomorrow and getting packed and stuff ready - computer and phone chargers and stuff like that are all needed!
I'm just preparing the way for going to my parents place tomorrow and getting packed and stuff ready - computer and phone chargers and stuff like that are all needed!
No appetite
Strange - I forced some scrambled egg down this morning and some mackerel and spinach at lunchtime. I really don't feel too much like eating and I have to say I'm getting that dread feeling and slightly tight chest I get when I'm likely to have to do something stressful and let's face it, going to see your dad when he is about 5 stone lighter than you remember him, wired up in a hospital bed plus the associated sadness that the family will be feeling is going to be, at the very least, a little stressful.
I'm getting ready to go tomorrow and probably spend 2 or 3 days and prepare for 4 or 5 if needed. It will give some respite for my brother and hopefully some support for my mum and dad. We will see what will await me as I've done this trip a few times now. I've got loads of change sorted out so that we can feed the parking meters at the Hospital and let the fat cats grow rick on the parking fees of the sick. I never really got that but understand that one of the reasons that they had to put fees on were that locals were parking their cars there for free and using public transport from there.... This is the society we probably deserve when this is acceptable behaviour and also for the use of what appear to be fines for everything to check it. It's unfortunately blindingly obvious that it is all about the money. The politicians and fat cats are too remote to get it and wonder why they are despised by the majority....
Anyway - my little rant as it costs a fortune to park there to see dad and who can afford the sorts of sums they ask is beyond me and long term illness must cost people a fortune - so much for a "free" NHS.
I'm getting ready to go tomorrow and probably spend 2 or 3 days and prepare for 4 or 5 if needed. It will give some respite for my brother and hopefully some support for my mum and dad. We will see what will await me as I've done this trip a few times now. I've got loads of change sorted out so that we can feed the parking meters at the Hospital and let the fat cats grow rick on the parking fees of the sick. I never really got that but understand that one of the reasons that they had to put fees on were that locals were parking their cars there for free and using public transport from there.... This is the society we probably deserve when this is acceptable behaviour and also for the use of what appear to be fines for everything to check it. It's unfortunately blindingly obvious that it is all about the money. The politicians and fat cats are too remote to get it and wonder why they are despised by the majority....
Anyway - my little rant as it costs a fortune to park there to see dad and who can afford the sorts of sums they ask is beyond me and long term illness must cost people a fortune - so much for a "free" NHS.
Eating
Strange that I wasn't really feeling like eating and even at lunch time I forced down some tuna and Spinach. I think that the diet will be a bit shot this week as I go up and see my dad. I'll probably stay with my mum which will save me some hard cash.
Mum seems to have started to realise that Dad will probably not come home now and I think that she is able to say these things to me but not to my brother who would be a little upset by that sort of talk. Dad's not great, still eating and drinking and getting good care but has a number of small ailments that aren't helping him be comfortable but each is being checked and acted on. Tomorrow he has a big assessment day, it appears that they have stabilised how rough he was feeling with pain killers and they have managed to get him to walk a few steps but, in all honesty, the three or four steps completely exhausted him. I think he is a bit more lucid and I believe that he is at least able to have proper 24x7 care that mum just cannot achieve.
I'm going to go see him this week after I've spoken to mum after this assessment I will go up for two or three days and see what I can do. At least I can do some of the driving around in place of my brother and sister-in-law. I guess that I might also be able to allow him to "tick the box" if he is waiting to see me. My daughters are in their examination week and final project weeks at University and I'm very much hoping that nothing disturbs their week so that they can get their work done.
I am preparing myself for the worst and whilst I know my brother wanted me up last week, at least this week I can managed more than a cursory visit. We will just have to see how it goes.
Mum seems to have started to realise that Dad will probably not come home now and I think that she is able to say these things to me but not to my brother who would be a little upset by that sort of talk. Dad's not great, still eating and drinking and getting good care but has a number of small ailments that aren't helping him be comfortable but each is being checked and acted on. Tomorrow he has a big assessment day, it appears that they have stabilised how rough he was feeling with pain killers and they have managed to get him to walk a few steps but, in all honesty, the three or four steps completely exhausted him. I think he is a bit more lucid and I believe that he is at least able to have proper 24x7 care that mum just cannot achieve.
I'm going to go see him this week after I've spoken to mum after this assessment I will go up for two or three days and see what I can do. At least I can do some of the driving around in place of my brother and sister-in-law. I guess that I might also be able to allow him to "tick the box" if he is waiting to see me. My daughters are in their examination week and final project weeks at University and I'm very much hoping that nothing disturbs their week so that they can get their work done.
I am preparing myself for the worst and whilst I know my brother wanted me up last week, at least this week I can managed more than a cursory visit. We will just have to see how it goes.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Eating
Have to say that after a cheat day or any day off diet I find it particularly difficult to eat the next morning. Today I just don't feel like it at all. In fact I feel a little sick. I will go and eat a little at lunchtime but definitely cannot stomach food at all and yet tomorrow all will be fine again. I really should eat within 1 hour of rising but I'm not going to force myself to do that.
Dad remains stable in Hospital and they will assess him tomorrow. I will talk to my mum then and then decide on going up to see her/him.
Dad remains stable in Hospital and they will assess him tomorrow. I will talk to my mum then and then decide on going up to see her/him.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Strange Result
The diet is totally messed up this week and I thought I'd weigh myself this morning and to my great surprise found that I'm still the same as last week so hopefully not too much damage done with 4 days of eating out. Well it will be 4 by the end of today.
I have very little appetite in the mornings - not too sure what that is about but seem to be OK when on plan? Anyway, there should be little stopping me getting back on plan next week. I am working out what to do based on what my Mum tells me later today and tomorrow in terms of going up to see my Dad.
I have very little appetite in the mornings - not too sure what that is about but seem to be OK when on plan? Anyway, there should be little stopping me getting back on plan next week. I am working out what to do based on what my Mum tells me later today and tomorrow in terms of going up to see my Dad.
Purveyor of DOOM and Bad News
Why is it that I feel that the optimism of my Mother and Brother and Sister In Law is misplaced?
Well, it's like this. Dad cannot stand unaided, he can't get up and go to the toilet or look after himself because his brain signals and his ability to physically respond to them are in different time zones. He's not able to maintain normal functions and everyone thinks he is going to come home after a "bit of physio" and - sorry to say - no he isn't. I hate being the arsehole in this time but someone surely has to be the hard nosed git that sees it as it is? Dad's not going to get better he is unable to maintain basic functions and sad - and believe me IT IS sad - he's on a path that no one can halt and no one can help other than those who are specialists in Palliative Care.
I fear going up there as I will be the catalyst that kicks off the process of end of life. Sounds worrying sounds a bit far fetched - or is it? Oldest Son, perhaps no one can let what is about to happen without my attendance and say so? Perhaps it needs me to be there to start the process? I don't know really and I guess it is my job - my destiny? Do I need to be there to - grant permission for my father to die? I really hope not. I hope that no one waits for me or that I have anything to do to delay this. My brother wanted me to go up earlier this week and I've held back for this and for other reasons. No one has actually stated what is wrong with my dad or any other thing about it either. There's the problem, no one knows, if I HAD gone up earlier this week I'd still be in the situation I'm in now.
I really hope that dad isn't waiting for me to "give permission" to go ahead with this next stage in his "life". Hell that would be a bad thing on my conscience.
At least I'm free of work and can just spend whatever time is needed doing whatever is needed in the next days or weeks. This is the problem with remote family. If they had been local - like they used to be - it would be no problem to cover all the rota and to assist and even the girls who both drive could have helped but since everyone buggered off over 120 miles away - we find it difficult to get there even by train (which is an hour or more longer than by car).
I beat myself up constantly but I've not moved house since 1988! I think that my parents have moved 4 or 5 times in that time and 2 of those have been in a far distant place. I don't mind, it is their choice entirely and it isn't my decision but I feel so guilty (yes I know I shouldn't). The trouble is that I wouldn't have chosen to live where they did or where my brother lives - 5 minutes from my parents.
I have no idea why I feel so bad now - it wasn't my decision and it wasn't part of my plan and it was their decision and theirs alone - yet somehow - peer pressure gives me the responsibility. I will step up to the mark on Sunday because, everything that I need to do here is cleared and I can go do what I need to do without affecting my own circumstances. Damn it sounds callous writing this but I suppose as "Responsible Adult" or "Head of House" it is my responsibility on my watch to sort this out. I will do so and I'm ready to do that and to broker what ever is needed in the coming days, weeks and I suppose months.
I really don't want my dad to die but that's what is going to happen. I hate seeing him the way he is now because it isn't my dad I see, it is this frightened man who has meant a lot to me being eaten away by this pernicious disease. Of course, it hurts like hell as I survived and he isn't going to and the problems are compounded by that knowledge and that experience. It really is difficult as I will need to "be strong" for the family and thereby be the "hard man" the face to those who will turn up to the funeral and so on. I'm preparing myself for this role and whilst I hate it I know that I'll get good support from my family and from my friends. I said some time ago that all my close friends had lost their fathers and how lucky I was to have my father around. They will be a great support to me in what lies ahead.
I do have enough faith left to believe that there is a soul and that the spirit leaves the body and all we see after death is a shell and NOT the real person. As my friend told me when his father died, he saw him and said "that's not my father, it looks like him, but it wasn't the body that was him, it was everything about him."
Well, in a way that's the way it is, my dad is the entirety of the experience and not the shell in which it is captured. No doubt I'll be expanding on this in the next weeks. I just hope that I can live up to his standards and that he will think well of me and we will part on good terms. There is no reason that we cannot do that at all but let's hope that we spend the right sort of time together at the end and that we part on the level.
Well, it's like this. Dad cannot stand unaided, he can't get up and go to the toilet or look after himself because his brain signals and his ability to physically respond to them are in different time zones. He's not able to maintain normal functions and everyone thinks he is going to come home after a "bit of physio" and - sorry to say - no he isn't. I hate being the arsehole in this time but someone surely has to be the hard nosed git that sees it as it is? Dad's not going to get better he is unable to maintain basic functions and sad - and believe me IT IS sad - he's on a path that no one can halt and no one can help other than those who are specialists in Palliative Care.
I fear going up there as I will be the catalyst that kicks off the process of end of life. Sounds worrying sounds a bit far fetched - or is it? Oldest Son, perhaps no one can let what is about to happen without my attendance and say so? Perhaps it needs me to be there to start the process? I don't know really and I guess it is my job - my destiny? Do I need to be there to - grant permission for my father to die? I really hope not. I hope that no one waits for me or that I have anything to do to delay this. My brother wanted me to go up earlier this week and I've held back for this and for other reasons. No one has actually stated what is wrong with my dad or any other thing about it either. There's the problem, no one knows, if I HAD gone up earlier this week I'd still be in the situation I'm in now.
I really hope that dad isn't waiting for me to "give permission" to go ahead with this next stage in his "life". Hell that would be a bad thing on my conscience.
At least I'm free of work and can just spend whatever time is needed doing whatever is needed in the next days or weeks. This is the problem with remote family. If they had been local - like they used to be - it would be no problem to cover all the rota and to assist and even the girls who both drive could have helped but since everyone buggered off over 120 miles away - we find it difficult to get there even by train (which is an hour or more longer than by car).
I beat myself up constantly but I've not moved house since 1988! I think that my parents have moved 4 or 5 times in that time and 2 of those have been in a far distant place. I don't mind, it is their choice entirely and it isn't my decision but I feel so guilty (yes I know I shouldn't). The trouble is that I wouldn't have chosen to live where they did or where my brother lives - 5 minutes from my parents.
I have no idea why I feel so bad now - it wasn't my decision and it wasn't part of my plan and it was their decision and theirs alone - yet somehow - peer pressure gives me the responsibility. I will step up to the mark on Sunday because, everything that I need to do here is cleared and I can go do what I need to do without affecting my own circumstances. Damn it sounds callous writing this but I suppose as "Responsible Adult" or "Head of House" it is my responsibility on my watch to sort this out. I will do so and I'm ready to do that and to broker what ever is needed in the coming days, weeks and I suppose months.
I really don't want my dad to die but that's what is going to happen. I hate seeing him the way he is now because it isn't my dad I see, it is this frightened man who has meant a lot to me being eaten away by this pernicious disease. Of course, it hurts like hell as I survived and he isn't going to and the problems are compounded by that knowledge and that experience. It really is difficult as I will need to "be strong" for the family and thereby be the "hard man" the face to those who will turn up to the funeral and so on. I'm preparing myself for this role and whilst I hate it I know that I'll get good support from my family and from my friends. I said some time ago that all my close friends had lost their fathers and how lucky I was to have my father around. They will be a great support to me in what lies ahead.
I do have enough faith left to believe that there is a soul and that the spirit leaves the body and all we see after death is a shell and NOT the real person. As my friend told me when his father died, he saw him and said "that's not my father, it looks like him, but it wasn't the body that was him, it was everything about him."
Well, in a way that's the way it is, my dad is the entirety of the experience and not the shell in which it is captured. No doubt I'll be expanding on this in the next weeks. I just hope that I can live up to his standards and that he will think well of me and we will part on good terms. There is no reason that we cannot do that at all but let's hope that we spend the right sort of time together at the end and that we part on the level.
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